Paradise PD (2018) s03e09 Episode Script

1
Karen, the only person I hate
more than your mother
is that asshole Hopson.
Why are you forcing me to do this?
Because they're rich,
and I need a hefty donation
to my Rebuild Paradise Initiative
before Hopson blows through
all Mom's money!
He already talked her into buying
his dream home.
[chamber music playing]
Wow, surprisingly classy.
Actually, it's that one.
[disco music playing]
So, your new house is interesting.
Isn't it great?
It came with all this artwork.
Yeah, this was Lindsey Graham's
summer home.
That old boy loves dicks!
Oh, I used to dream about this,
back when I was living in a storage unit
and pissing in a pickle jar
this morning.
Now, thanks to What's your name again?
Agatha.
Right!
Thanks to big-tit lady,
I can buy whatever I want.
Cars, TVs,
the entire
Portuguese men's water polo team.
I bought 'em!
I'm so cold. Can we get dressed?
No speak-y Chinese-y.
Mom, are you okay with Stanley
just spending all your money like this?
Oh, you know me. I'm an old-fashioned gal.
I believe men should handle the finances,
otherwise us lady folk
would squander it on frivolous nonsense.
Check it out! I bought a portal gun.
[electronic buzzing]
[screams]
Please, help us.
So, Karen, if you're here to grub up money
for your awful town,
your husband
will have to talk to my husband.
[clearing throat]
Oh, goddamn. Fine.
You know, Hopson, I gotta say,
I always thought you were an okay guy.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I always thought you were
a fat, bald asshole,
and I wanted to fart
straight up your nose.
- Fuck you, you old piece of
- Just let him do it, Randall!
Oh, joy!
Oh no, Karen. I am not gonna
Randall, if you don't help me
get this money, God help me,
I will belly flop this baby
into another Kevin.
You monster! You wouldn't.
Hello, YMCA?
Can you please raise your diving board
about ten feet
and drain the pool, please? Thanks.
Okay. Okay, okay.
Karen, I'm scared.
[farts]
I think the boss is a little weird.
This is nothing.
I used to work for Lindsey Graham.
- [theme music playing]
- [Crawford grunts]
[criminal shouts]
[Fitz grunts]
[Gina shouts]
- [shouts, groans]
- [growls]
Fie upon you, foul half-orc!
I cast you into the fiery pits
of the archdevil!
[vocalizes buzzing]
Blocked it.
No, you didn't!
Alas, Merkin,
I rule that your spell has failed,
much like my attempts to get a peek
at my sister's burgeoning breast buds.
- You can't block it!
- I totally blocked it!
I have given my ruling, and it's final.
Breast buds.
[Gina] Hey, pedophile!
You leave those kids alone!
Kevin? I got a call that some red-haired
creepo kiddie-fiddler
was trying to grab some little dork dick.
It's you?
No! We're just LARP-ing. [grunts]
Little ass rectal-poking?
You sick son of a bitch!
It's just a game, Gina.
It's called live-action role-playing.
You should play with us!
We'll have fun, get married,
and I can pee where you poop
and make a baby!
[laughs nervously] I'm kidding.
And that's why he's the ladies' man.
I'll never play your stupid, virgin,
pussy-parching fantasy game
as long as I live.
Now scram before I'm forced to cast
a level one wedgie spell.
Technically, a level one wedgie spell
wouldn't be very powerful because
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow, ow! [screams]
Hey, keep an eye on those kids.
There's a ginger pedophile
around here somewhere.
Oh my goodness! Children, hurry!
You'll be safe here in my windowless van!
Hmm.
[owl hoots]
Seakul, where's your mom?
She was supposed to get us,
like, an hour ago.
There's her car.
Oh no! What if she's hurt?
We need to go into the forest
and find her.
But that's the Forbidden Forest.
[thunder crashes]
Haven't you heard what the grown-ups say?
Monsters live in there, scary monsters!
Monsters? No way.
[man] It's true, baby.
Camaro Bob!
Hey, friendlies.
You brahs got a death wish?
There's monsters in that mist, baby.
Let Camaro Bob find your mom.
I got a white belt in Kenpo Karate.
But you just said it was a death wish.
Yeah, well, death spelled backwards
is my middle name
Htaed.
That's right, I'm Armenian, baby.
[Camaro Bob] Ah! A monster got me, baby!
Write this on my tombstone,
"Ten inches limp, baby!"
- [thunder crashes]
- [all scream]
Whoo! Doughnut Thursday!
Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut ♪
A-doughnut, doughnut, doughnut! ♪
I gotta doughnut, doughnut! I ♪
[screams]
No! Who the zippy-dippy frosted fuck
ate my doughnuts?
[chuckles] Oh, my bad, Dusty.
Yeah, that nuclear fallout
created a new strain of weed.
It gave me the super munchies.
Super munchie nuke weed?
Well, no doughnut will be safe!
Tell me where you bought
that heinous drug,
or I'll bust your little ass.
Dusty, I love you, but let's be honest.
The only thing you bust are zippers
and truck scales. [laughs]
You forgot the Batmobile ride
at the Piggly Wiggly!
I busted that one too, you dumb dipshit!
Your 9 a.m. is here, Mr. Hopson.
Hopson,
when we get done with this presentation,
you'll see why you must donate
to my Rebuild Paradise
[motorboating]
Oh, excuse me,
I was just finishing up breakfast.
[electronic buzzing]
Now, tell me all about
your Rebuild bullshit horseshit.
Uh! The Rebuild Paradise Initiative
is divided into three phases.
The first phase is a cleanup phase
Balls!
[gagging]
[growling]
[whistling]
Phase two begins with the demolition
of all the structures
that are beyond repair.
[screaming]
Get me out of this infinite loop!
Okay, I've considered your proposal,
and I'm thinking of a number.
- [space whir]
- [Randall screams]
Sixty-nine!
- [motorboats]
- [Randall grunts]
No!
Fuck this, I'm leaving.
Wait! I just need a few more meetings
with you to be convinced.
See, I don't donate to any cause
without a careful consideration.
Hopson, I need to bust
a doughnut-devouring dope-head dog!
So I want $5 million in cash
to become a top-secret super-spy.
- Here's ten.
- Thank you, Hopson.
Also, did you redecorate?
I remember when Lindsey Graham lived here,
it had way more dicks.
[shudders] Way more.
I love you two so much.
Look at us,
the perfect all-American family.
[dramatic music plays]
Look at that ding-dong
happy-fappy little family.
[screaming]
I'm gonna rip them apart
and take Fitz's wife
romantically.
You're going to make his wife
fall in love with you?
No. I'm going to make his wife
fall in love with the most desirable,
irresistible man in the world.
Hello, dolphin.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I am Loquacious Pussyjuice.
I know what you're thinking.
"Who is this delicious chunk of chocolate,
and why is he wearing roller skates?"
[disco music playing]
The answer is simple.
I have never not worn roller skates.
"Tell me more tantalizing tidbits,
Loquacious." Okay, I will.
I was conceived mid-skydive.
Goddamn right.
I eat all my meals off a Chinese gong.
Oh yeah.
I travel with my own backup singers.
Loquacious Pussyjuice! ♪
I once bought five things from Ikea,
tore up the instructions,
threw it on the floor,
and made a goddamn robot
that looks just like me.
I call him Ikea Pussyjuice.
Ikea Pussyjuice! ♪
And my best friend is a falcon.
Oh, he must be busy.
Now, sit back while I perform
Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up"
on the most seductive instrument of all
the didgeridoo.
[vibrating rumble]
[falcon squawks]
Where the fuck you been?
You made me look like a goddamn idiot.
Thanks for helping us
find Seakul's mom, Gina.
This better not be a trick
to get me to play your nerd game.
And why are you wearing a smelly tuna can
around your neck?
It's my Amulet of Arcane Focus,
the source of my power
[Kevin screaming, groaning]
And now, let's find your mom.
[eerie music playing]
[grunts] I can't see anything
through this enchanted mist!
[Kevin] Something's happening
to our bodies!
[Seakul] Holy crap!
[Seakul] The mist was enchanted.
I'm a real paladin,
just like my character!
[Farquinal] And I'm a wood elf!
Quohand, you're a real half-orc!
[growls]
[coughs]
[inhales]
Sweet.
[Gina] What the fuck am I?
['80s rock music playing]
- You're a tiefling eldritch knight.
- What does that mean?
It means I came in my battle armor.
Wow, this magical mist
transformed us into our D&D characters!
What the hell? I don't want to be a part
of this Funyun-fart-smelling nerd game.
Change me back! Change me back!
Okay I could get used to this.
Uh, where's Kevin?
[sighs] Down here.
How the fuck did I get worse?
[cool detective music playing]
That fucking little dog
had no idea he was being tailed
by a super-sized super-spy.
Cue intro.
[Dusty sings] Boo-doo spy boo ♪
Karate shit ♪
Cool shit ♪
[cracking]
Oh! My back! Ooh, my back! Oh!
Oh God, I think I broke my spine.
The fuck you doing, Dusty?
Spying on your little ass
like a mother-farter
so I can bust you
scoring radioactive weed.
Care to check out my top-secret spy gear?
Regular old ski pole, right?
Uh-uh, shithead!
It shoots corn dogs.
Oh, and what's this?
A regular old $20,000 Rolex?
You'd be wrong, shithead!
It shoots Cheez Whiz!
And look at this
Knife-shoe!
And what's a knife shoe
without a fork-shoe?
[gulps]
Wow, Dusty. I didn't even know
they made tuxedos in your size.
Jesus Christ,
that thing looks like a piano cover.
Joke's on you. It is a piano cover!
[tires screech]
Hey, Jay! There's that piano
that fell off the truck last week.
Hurry up.
We gotta get it to the Billy Joel concert.
Who wants to hear me play the "Piano Man"?
[crowd applauds and cheers]
[grunts] Hey!
Your fingers smell like baloney.
Oh God, I gotta stop drinking.
So, why do you guys look cool,
and I look like Danny DeVito
fucked Danny DeVito?
You insisted on playing as a gnome mage
for the plus-two intelligence, remember?
Well, at least I have special abilities.
Yeah, like the
Gnome Rainbow Twinkle spell?
[all laugh]
Nerd!
You're all pants-shitting D&D dorks.
Now shut up and look at this.
[growls]
A monstrous troglodyte!
And he's seated atop a legendary chest!
Troglodytes are cave-dwellers,
therefore sensitive to light.
I could cast Color Spray!
I could reason with him. My charisma
has an underlying power of persuasion.
I could Guys, I could cast Color Spray!
Reason with him? You have, like,
negative-six wisdom, duh.
Persuasion has the lowest success rate
on Troglodytes
[all scream]
Or we could just do that.
[unintelligible mumbling]
Teamwork!
Enchanted weapons!
Just what we need to save your mom!
Oh my Seven Gods,
the legendary Berserker Axe!
The Dwarven Hammer of Storms!
Frost Brand and Flame Tongue! Aha!
Cool! Captain Kirk's lightsaber!
Uh, hello? Don't you know that
Take that, Skeletor Vader!
You know what?
I'm just gonna stare at her boobs.
Guys, my turn!
[screams]
Short Rod of Shame.
Seriously? Oh well.
It's not the size of the rod.
It's how you wield it!
[slide whistle]
Well, well, this never happens.
Come on!
I command you to grow!
Whoa! [grunts]
Flip me over! Flip me over!
Aw, look at him
kick his little legs in the air.
Let me help you up, Kevin.
[Kevin screams]
[all laugh]
Nerd!
[grunting]
[neighing]
Yippee!
Look at my ugly horse!
Karen! Karen!
How fat and ugly is my horse, Karen?
The fattest and the ugliest.
Sweetheart, I love you, but [grunts]
You are going to man up
and get me that fucking money.
I don't care if it takes
until the day Hopson dies!
Till the day Hopson dies, eh?
[laughs evilly]
Oh no! Horsey see snake, go crazy!
[neighing]
- [Randall grunts]
- [Hopson screams]
Karen, there's been a terrible accident.
I intentionally killed your stepfather.
Huh.
[Randall] Ow!
Again! Again!
Oh, fuck you, Valve.
First, no Half-Life 3, and now this.
[sinister music playing]
I don't get it. How could that dolphin
turn down a night of lovemaking
with Loquacious Pussyjuice?
Loquacious Pussyjuice! ♪
I don't need that shit now!
I mean, that dolphin must have
the highest standards
of any dolphin on earth.
I don't think so.
She had sex with a German shepherd.
How could you possibly know that?
Duh! Because their son is half-dog.
Wait a minute.
That dirty dolphin let a dingy doggy
deep-dick her ding-ding
with his diggy doggy dong-dong-
dong-dong-dong!
You mutant motherfuckers
broke Ikea Pussyjuice!
But I heard what you said.
I just need that boy's DNA
to prove he's not Fitzgerald's son.
And I know just how to do it.
This is a teachable moment, Son.
This is what happens
when you eat at Wendy's.
I've got you now, motherfucker.
This is my turd turf, hoss.
That there shit belongs to me.
You'll take my dog dookie
over my ding-dang dead body.
How dare you, sir.
I challenge you
to a shit pick-off.
[all chanting] Shit pick-off!
[narrator] The shit pick-off
was cut for time.
Uh! Wh-what's that?
Oh, grow up, you seven-foot pussy.
Gina's right. We need to be brave!
We need to
[screams]
They're after my Amulet of Arcane Focus!
It can't fall into their hands!
Don't worry, Merkin! I'll save you!
[splatter]
Hey! You cut my arm off!
Oh, aim for the goblins, you idiot!
Like this.
[screams] Stop helping!
[Seakul grunts]
This is getting ridic
Die, leg!
[screams, grunts]
You cut off my leg on purpose!
I'm sorry,
I thought that's what we were doing.
Well, thanks so much for the help.
At least your amulet is safe.
Yoink!
Motherfucker!
Fucker!
Aww!
He's even cuter without limbs!
What are we supposed to do now?
Carry you like a baby?
Fear not!
Merkin still has a trick up his sleeve.
I cast Regenerate!
Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go!
[scats a tune]
Where are we going, tubby?
Let's just say
it's a big fucking surprise.
[laughs evilly]
Oh, hot diggity!
I love surprises!
Like in 1978,
I was at a bathhouse with Bob Barker.
He said, "I've got a surprise for you."
Then he spent three hours
trying to ring my butthole with a dime.
And that's how he invented Plinko.
Keep walking!
Later, Double Dough Seven!
Ha! 'Cause dough rhymes with O and
and you eat seven of, uh,
dough Ah, go fuck yourself!
God, he knows my one weakness,
movement.
If I'm gonna bust that dirty sumbitch,
I need to transform myself
into the greatest super-spy of all time.
Smash cut!
Look at me! I'm Inspector Fatshit!
Those are paternity results
showing that your son's dirty daddy
is actually a German shepherd,
not Gerald Fitzgerald.
[squeaking]
What do I want? It's simple.
Leave town and never come back.
If not, I will share this information
with your husband,
and you know it will crush him.
I took the liberty of writing
a Dear John letter from you to Fitzgerald.
All you need to do is sign it.
[sad music playing]
[Clappers reading] Dear Fitzgerald,
this is your dolphin wife.
I don't love you.
In fact, I have left you for a better man.
His name is Loquacious Pussyjuice.
What's that? You want some
tantalizing tidbits about Loquacious?
Okay, strap in, cocksucker.
His middle name is just a chainsaw sound.
All of his toes are big toes.
He wrote his college thesis
using only the space bar,
and he still got a C-minus.
He never eats any food item
without first making love to it.
Goodbye, you little bitch,
and suck my dick titties.
Sincerely, your dolphin wife.
Farewell, my dolphin queen.
I can't compete with that.
Goddamn it!
Only my big toes are big toes.
Fitz, you tiny-toed motherfucker!
[woman screams]
That's her. That's my mommy!
[growling]
There's a lot of them.
Shh. Don't make a single sound,
or we're dead.
[farts]
Huh?
Shitballs.
Let me check Yup.
[all screaming]
[all growling]
[heroic speed metal playing]
Ow!
- [monster growls]
- [Gina screams]
[growls]
- [music suddenly stops]
- Ew!
[speed metal starts again]
There's too many of them!
- [monster growls]
- [grunts] They're too powerful!
[growls]
Not even my fireballs are effective!
We're dead! No!
And I still have never smelled
a human vagina!
So you've smelled non-human vaginas?
Let's just Can we move on?
Can't you do something, Kevin?
I thought this was the one thing
you were good at.
[all growling]
I cast Gnome Rainbow Twinkle!
[dramatic music playing]
[screams]
[chuckles] That was badass, Kevin!
I haven't seen a pasty leprechaun
with a mouthful of rainbows since
[narrator] The Irish gay slur
was cut for time.
[monster growls]
What the fuck is that?
It's Yog-Sothoth, and it's got my mom!
[growls]
Let's get him!
[all screaming]
Whoa! Damn it!
[magical swoosh]
Damn it!
This looked a lot easier on the cartoon.
[magical swoosh]
What the hell just happened?
You friendlies must've been tripping balls
from inhaling Camaro Bob's
radioactive ganj, baby!
So, everything was fake?
But our weapons
Ew!
Looks like you ran across
Camaro Bob's ice chest full of dildos.
What about the goblins we battled?
[Kevin screams]
[Kevin sobs]
But that still doesn't explain
the giant monster that has my mom.
Mom!
Oh God!
[growling]
See, we made up the monsters years ago
to keep you kids out of "fuck forest."
That way us grown-ups can have
drug-fueled, thigh-slappin', ass-tappin'
all-American orgies, baby!
Can we just go home, Mom?
In a minute, honey! Almost done here.
Where's Kevin?
Oof, I think he's still hallucinating.
Ooh! I'm gonna get you, monster!
I'm gonna get you good!
I'll yank off your tentacles one by one!
[Kevin grunting]
[squirt]
[Kevin] They're squirting poison now!
It's getting in my mouth!
Hey, Camaro Bob, I need to buy
some more of that Chernobyl weed.
Not so fast!
Dusty, what the hell are you doing here?
And what are you supposed to be?
What is this, Inspector Fatshit?
Yes, that's what I landed on.
And I'm here to stop you
from getting more of this munchie weed.
[spy music playing]
Hold it right there!
Go Go Fatshit Arm!
[whirring]
[screams] It hurts! Oh God, that hurts!
What's that smell?
Mmm. It's making me feel funny. I kinda
Dusty,
why are you looking at me like that?
[sings]
Oh, Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut! ♪
Doughnut, doughnut, doughnut! ♪
Get me doughnut! Go! ♪
Go Go Fatshit Rocket Shoes!
[screams] It hurts! Oh God, that hurts!
Almost there.
You're about to get
your big fucking surprise.
Wait. What the hell is this?
It's a thigh-slappin', ass-tappin',
all-American orgy, baby!
This is a big fucking surprise! I love it!
I'm giving the Rebuild Paradise Initiative
every penny I've got!
Thank you, Hopson! Thank you!
I'm gonna call Karen right
Two pennies.
It's all the money I got left.
Tell big-tit lady she's broke
and I want a divorce!
This is a Hopson orgy now, people!
Get me a tub of mineral oil,
a rawhide lasso,
two dozen hairless Japanese
[narrator] The Hopson orgy
was cut for time.
Thanks for getting my mom back, guys.
You're welcome.
I wish Camaro Bob would raw dog my mom.
Oh, I've pumped the pipe
in all your moms, baby.
Some of your dads too.
It ain't gay if it slips in
while you're wrestling, baby.
He's awesome.
That's great.
Well, let's do this.
Conjure Magic Missile.
[blows raspberry]
What's wrong, Kevin?
Alas, the warrior is in love with a maiden
who does not share his affection.
Forgive me. [sighs]
You see,
it reminds me of my own sweet sister's
breast buds.
[Gina] What's up, ye pickle dicks?
[fanfare plays]
Gina! What are you doing here?
I'm here to join you guys.
You were right.
This dorky loser LARP shit is a blast.
And I gotta say,
you were pretty badass yesterday.
Maybe I need to give more things a chance.
Now, c'mon, let's play. I even bought
a real broadsword off the internet.
[gasps] Real broadsword?
And check this out.
[laughs evilly]
Uh-oh.
What are we waiting for?
Let's fucking LARP!
[Gina screams]
[heroic speed metal plays]
Let's hide in this "Free Candy" store!
[chuckles] I really should
be banned from this park.
[heroic speed metal playing]