Parks and Recreation s03e09 Episode Script

So, while they re-paint the lines in the parking lot, we're asking everyone to do street parking.
I'm not street parking my Mercedes.
Well, everyone is.
I'm doing it.
'Cause nobody wants to steal a Saturn.
All right, moving on to recycling.
You okay, Ron? Just a little tooth pain.
I'm fine.
Continue.
Okay, each department will be getting blue bins Do you need to go to the dentist, Ron? I don't like dentists.
Just a second.
Hey.
No, no.
No! No, no, no, no! Oh! What the? Oh, my God! I'm sorry, everybody.
What were we talking about? Recycling? Dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday.
But it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your co-workers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint.
Attention, everybody! Everybody, listen up.
You are all officially invited to a dinner party, which is officially my friend Burly's home, because I don't have a home.
That's it.
There's no more left.
Give it to him.
We've been dating for almost a month, so we just decided that we wanted to do something special.
And dinner parties do combine two of our favorite things, dinner and parties.
Parties.
Yeah.
It's like if you could have a Xbox pancake.
Your invitations include requests for each of you to bring stuff, 'cause we don't have a whole lot.
Don't be late.
Watch out.
"Dearest Tom, please bring silverware.
" "Please bring cooked steak.
" This is ridiculous.
They're young.
They're in love.
They're ready to show it to the world.
It's very sweet.
And we're all going.
- What? There's a boy's sale at Dillard's today.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
You going tonight? Yeah.
Apparently they want me to bring Avatar, and 50 pairs of 3-D glasses, and a 3-D-capable television.
Mmm.
Yeah.
Well, I will see you there, with all of those things.
I was actually coming to see you.
I wanted your advice on something.
Oh, yeah? My boss in Indianapolis, he wants me back on the road in a week.
But then this morning, Chris offered me a job to stay here in Pawnee and work for him.
Do you wanna do that? Well, I don't know.
I've been moving around so much the past few years.
It might be nice to stay in one place for a while.
What do you think? Well, this is a great city.
You know, it's definitely the best city in Indiana, probably America, possibly the world.
Sure.
But on the other hand, you've put in 12 years with the state government.
So you think I should say no to Chris and head back to Indianapolis or It's a tough call.
You know what I would do? You should make a pros and cons list.
That always works for me.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, maybe I'll do that.
Excellent.
Nice talking to you.
Good stuff.
Okay.
Yeah.
So how does this work? All right, you just fill out your name tag, and you're all set.
Okay.
But I mean, do I just go up and talk to anyone, or do I wait for them to talk to me, or Are you asking me how to flirt with men? Okay.
All right.
It's a whole new Ann Perkins.
I'm putting myself out there, meeting some new people, having some casual fun, and it is awkward.
Gayle went out and got me this new party shirt.
So be honest, what do you guys think? You know what, Jerry? I make fun of you a lot, but credit where credit is due.
You know, I like how the Damn it.
I was so close.
It's a terrible shirt.
Hey, guys.
Okay, everybody listen up.
April's friend Orin is here.
He's very intense and very weird.
So if you end up talking to him, just make sure you don't reveal anything personal about yourself.
- Hey, gang.
- Hey.
What'd you bring? I was in charge of the cake.
To be fair, it's not a cake so much as it is a vegetable loaf.
You got your mushrooms, your alfalfa sprouts, your spinach, and I had it sweetened with fruit reduction.
But did they ask you to bring a vegetable loaf or a cake? No, a cake, but this is so much healthier.
So not only does this thing exist, but now you have deprived everyone of cake.
Take a walk, Ron.
Yep.
Donna.
Oh, my God.
I am so excited to see you here.
These things are horrible when you're by yourself.
What? Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle.
There are no friends here.
It's every woman for herself.
You're joking, right? Do I look like I'm joking? Dating is a zero-sum game.
If you get a man, I don't get that man.
I'm here because of advice that you gave me to be more adventurous in my life.
Here's some more advice.
Beat it.
Hey.
Ben, heard you might be leaving Pawnee.
I don't know.
I'm thinking about it.
Well, you are a huge nerd.
But I'd be sorry to see you go, man.
Thanks, Tom.
Okay, this party needs a little help.
I'll be right back.
So are you going on, like, a year-Iong walking tour of the set of The Lord of the Rings in New Zealand? To be honest with you, I wasn't a fan of Peter Jackson's interpretation.
So you can put that one away.
Andy, I think you maybe should put some more food out.
Totally agree.
Just firing up the Bagel Bites now.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
What do you think? April, you're not supposed to let me see you.
No, come on.
You have to look.
This is important.
You have to tell me if I look good.
Hey, guys, what's going on? Uh It's supposed to be a big surprise.
But tonight, me and April are getting married.
To each other.
Is April pregnant? Are you pregnant? Yes.
Yes? No.
Are you sick? Are you terminal? Is it like that movie A Walk to Remember? Yes.
What? No.
God.
Oh, God.
Why are you doing this? Why is this great thing happening? Well, I mean, it's actually a really funny story.
We were hanging out.
And suddenly, I was like, "What if we got married tomorrow?" And she was like "Fine.
" She's like, "Fine.
" That is a great story.
But you guys haven't been together very long, and you have no place to live.
We've been together long enough, and we'll find a place to live.
Yeah.
Like, a house or, like, a condo or something.
Probably a condo.
You can't just get a condo.
No, you're right.
House.
I love Andy and April as a couple.
I want them to stay together forever.
But relationships need planning.
You just can't jump into something without thinking.
It took me four years to find the right hairdresser, and we still fight all the time! Andy and April are gonna surprise people with a secret ceremony.
Whoa.
Secret wedding.
Julia Roberts pulled the same move.
Is that that toothy girl from Mystic Pizza? Ron, please, I need you to help me knock some sense into them.
It's not really my place.
Or yours.
Hi.
I'm Ann.
Brian.
What's your occupation? I'm a manager at a sporting-goods store.
No way.
Me, too.
Seriously? Which one? No, I'm not.
I was just ribbing you.
What are you drinking? Yeah.
What? Oh, I don't know.
I couldn't hear you.
So you just laughed and said, "Yeah"? Yeah.
Excuse us.
That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell? I told you I'm rusty.
All right, come with me.
Hey, Andy.
Yeah.
I know what's going down, and I'm so happy for you guys.
Thank you, Tom.
Hey, something just occurred to me.
Can I be your best man? Yeah, dude, totally.
Thank you.
My best man.
Best man! One of my life goals is to be a best man.
It's a baller position.
You get drunk.
You make speeches.
And you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing, from behind.
Look, I know that I cannot tell you what to do.
I know it doesn't work, from all the times I've tried to tell you what to do before.
But you know what would be fun? Maybe we should make a pros and cons list.
Let me take you home, and then we'll go do that together.
It'll be a blast.
Leslie, relax.
You relax.
You relax all the way home and get into bed.
You need to go to bed.
April.
Girl talk.
Hey, what's your middle name? The justice of the peace lady needs to know.
You don't know each other's middle names? I don't wanna say it out loud.
- Ew.
- Shut up.
Roberta! Such a loser.
Can't believe I'm marrying him.
You don't have to.
I'm going to.
And then I'm gonna divorce him.
Then I'm gonna marry him again.
One time, I fell madly in love with a Civil War reenactor that I had only known for six hours.
And then I found out he wore those clothes all the time.
And he was married.
But the clothes thing really bothered me.
You always wanna scribble the name.
Make 'em read.
Draw them in.
Make 'em work for it.
Right.
Two shots of Jameson.
Don't make too much eye contact.
You wanna seem available, but not too available.
Oh, thanks.
I think I'm good for now.
I'm not gonna Yeah.
All right.
Let's do this.
Ron, you are so amazing with me and April, stuff.
I love you, man.
Would you be one of my best men? I'd be honored to, son.
Chris, you helped me get April back.
Would you be my best man? Nothing else in my entire life would make me happier as long as I live.
Jerry.
I'm so glad you made it.
This shirt is hilarious.
Derek and Ben, will you be my best men? Got a little competition for the best man, huh? Well, you know what the best best man does.
Excuse me! Are there any strippers here? Former strippers? Non-dancers but you're feeling a little bit drunk? What are you doing? I'm throwing Andy an impromptu bachelor party.
It's my duty as best man.
The wedding's in four minutes.
It's that kind of negative thinking that makes you a less good best man.
Hello? Hi, Ann, it's Leslie, Leslie Knope from the Parks Department.
Yeah, I know.
Where are you? April and Andy are getting married tonight.
What? Yeah, I know.
I need you to get down here, Ann.
I need you to kiss him again or kiss her or kiss somebody.
I don't know, Ann! Help me, please! Relationships are like scuba diving.
If you come up too fast, you get the bends.
And the reason why I know this is because I was dating a guy once, and we were scuba diving, and I told him that I loved him underwater, and he shot up really fast, and he got the bends.
No, Orin, I don't know how I'm going to die.
Wait.
Are you asking me or telling me? Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Yes, please.
April and Andy are about to get married.
Wow.
My Brita filter's older than their relationship.
Wait a second.
Should I change my Brita filter? I don't know.
It depends on how frequently you use it.
True.
Stay focused, okay? Please.
The point is two boneheads, whom I love dearly, are about to sacrifice their future 'cause they haven't thought this thing through.
And nobody seems concerned about this.
Attention, everybody.
Mesdames and Missoirs.
If you would do me the obligation of having your honor, heretofore, in the room doth right over there, hence.
What? Big event in that room, Oh, my God.
This is really happening.
I love April and Andy.
I want them to stay together.
And that is why I have to stop their wedding.
Hi, guys, remember how I told you there was going to be a surprise later? Well, the surprise is you are not actually at a dinner party.
You're at our wedding.
All right.
Let's do this.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to marry Andrew Maxwell Dwyer and April Roberta Ludgate.
I guess I kind of hate most things.
But I never really seem to hate you.
So, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Is that cool? Yes.
Is it my turn? Yes.
"April, you're the most awesome person "I have ever known in my entire life.
"I vow to protect you from danger.
"I don't care if I have to fight "an ultimate fighter, or a bear, or him, "your mom I would take 'em down.
" Andy.
I'm getting mad right now even thinking about it.
I'm telling you.
It's okay.
I wanna spend the rest of my life, every minute, with you.
And I'm the luckiest man in the galaxy.
And now the rings.
By the power vested in me by the State of Indiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Go fly away.
Fly! Fly! Wings of love.
Okay.
All right.
So that one is dead.
We know that.
You wouldn't have been able to stop it, you know.
I could've yelled something or tackled someone.
But you didn't, because deep down, you knew it wouldn't have mattered.
Those kids are gonna do what they wanna do.
They may have just ruined their lives on an impulse decision.
Leslie, I got married twice.
Both times, I was a lot older than those two.
And both marriages ended in divorce And a burning effigy.
Who's to say what works? You find somebody you like, and you roll the dice.
That's all anybody can do.
Wait.
Weren't you married three times? Oh, my God, you're right.
I get to burn another effigy.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance.
Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
My sister is lame, but Andy's sort of cool.
I guess I kind of see why he'd marry her.
Also, if anyone finds my gray hoodie, I lost it.
Thanks.
That was beautiful.
You two remind me of me and my husband, George.
I gotta nail the speech.
So I brought in an expert.
Jean-Ralphio.
Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good? Sure.
Okay, this is what I would do.
I would start with a joke.
Joke, Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.
Swingers or Crashers? Fred Claus.
Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends.
Quote from Love Actually.
Hold back your tears.
Pause.
Drop the microphone.
Get out of that bitch.
I wish you the best of luck, to both of you.
Thank you, Grandma.
How could anyone ever possibly top that? Am I right? So, thank you all for all the talking.
Let's just get back to dancing, huh? Cool.
See you around, maybe.
That went better, right? Yes, it did.
However, he proudly told me that he "beat herpes.
" I'm sorry, Donna.
I'm gonna go home.
I just found out Andy's getting married.
So? So that's my ex-boyfriend.
We were together for a really long time.
All right.
What? What? Listen, you are a hot, young doctor.
I'm a nurse, actually.
Okay, I don't know you.
But I do know that you can fix your attitude.
Do you wanna go home and feel sorry for yourself about a man you didn't wanna marry? Or do you wanna go talk to that cute boy, who has been looking at you, and give him your number before I throw him in my Benz for myself? All right.
I just wanna thank my family, my friends, most importantly, my best best man, Mr.
Tom Haverford.
Oh! Coolest guy I know.
And, ladies, he's single, I think.
You're not still married, are you? No.
But you You're straight? Yes.
Jean-Ralphio's just a friend? Yeah.
Yeah! Anyways, oh, my God, I'm married! This is crazy.
What happened? But, seriously, life is short, right? Uh, just I really think you should just do whatever makes you happy.
That's what April and I did.
We are in love.
So we didn't overthink it.
I mean, seriously, I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.
Am I right? All right, well, this is a song I wrote for you, April Roberta Ludgate.
I love you.
I love you.
Yeah, yeah Oh, Grandma April, there's so little time The things I really want to do Let's fly to the sky It's so awesome Exactly.
Mortality.
See, I like to take each day at a time.
There's nothing in the world we can't accomplish if we try.
I have to go.
It's been great talking to you.
Hey.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna say another word.
This is your day.
I just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're here.
I think you're awesome, and I love you.
What's the deal with that hot girl, April? What's the deal with her? Yeah.
Like, is she good to go? Like, is she down to clown? She's married.
She got married, like, 20 minutes ago.
Oh, my God.
That's the same girl from the thing.
From the wedding ceremony, yeah.
All the good ones are taken, huh, bro? Yeah.
Hey.
You should stay.
Don't go back to Indianapolis.
You should stay here.
You think? Yeah.
Yes.
It's a great city here, you know? And there are great people.
And you've made a lot of friends.
And what are you gonna do? You gonna go back to your old job and hack up people's budgets? Stay here.
Help us build something.
I already accepted the job.
I'm staying here.
That's good.
Yeah, I think so.
Orin's behind me, isn't he? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
So just keep your eyes on me.
Okay.
Don't panic, 'cause he can smell fear.
What do I Just keep talking to me.
Hi.
Hi.
How are you? Good.
How are you? How was the wedding? Run! "Hey, Ann, it was great talking to you last night.
"Hope we can get together soon.
" Okay, now you write, "Who is this?" Hey, you guys, we got a video from April and Andy.
Oh.
Okay.
How you guys doing? Hey, we're on our honeymoon.
It is awesome.
We're at Burly's family vacation house on Lake Michigan.
We're having so much fun.
Except for Roberta, here, turns out, sucks at water skiing.
Oh, my God.
So bad.
I'm gonna divorce you.
Andy sucks at driving a boat.
And I'm gonna divorce him, probably right now.
Well, they're still together.
You owe me 20 bucks.