Portlandia (2011) s03e09 Episode Script

- Hello? - Hey.
Uh, it's me.
Hey, how are you? Listen, I'm gonna go get coffee.
You wanna come with me? Yeah.
I'm just gonna finish up here, and then I'll stop at my mom's, and then I'll meet you.
- I'll see you there.
- Bye.
I like the use of color a lot.
Uh, is that your piece? This is my piece.
Sorry.
What is? - I call it Onlooker.
- Hmm.
You know, I mean, what is art if it's not being observed? So are you here, like, 24/7, or--? Yeah.
Hey, what do you want me to do? Can I go? Is that a yes? I don't understand.
- This is actually an art project.
- What? I'm showing the juxtaposition of motion and stillness in a shared public space.
Isn't this dangerous, being in the middle of the street? That's what I'm trying to say with the art piece.
Good luck with it, all right? Hey, that's my purse! Give it back! Well, it's part of the art project now.
What art project? What is personal property? You know, how do we see "theft"? - Good luck.
- Thank you.
It's certainly going well so far.
Yeah, great.
Jeez.
What the hell? Oh, this is an art project.
Jeez.
Ow! What are you doing! Sorry! I didn't see you.
I'm trying to hold this for ten days.
You ruined it.
Get him! What? So he just grabbed my bag.
He just stole my purse.
What about your cards and your keys? The weirdest thing was that he said, "oh, this is just an art project.
" An art project? Well, I can understand that.
You know, your dad and I collaborated on an art project.
What-- what do you mean? It was you.
See? _ And I sold you for a good price to these men.
Oh, my God! What the heck? Fred! Fred! Carrie! Carrie! Oh, my God.
You have no idea what I've been through.
- You're so wet.
- It's been insane.
- Aw.
- First of all, I gotta tell you something.
This is Don't-- don't-- Please--! an incredible, huge part of my life.
This, what we have-- I'm so relieved to hear you say that.
I thought you were gonna say something totally different.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's everything to me.
You know what? I'd really like to go to Stumptown.
After that, we go to Jackpot Records? Yeah, and then I thought we could go to Screen Door.
I just want, like, a little snack or something.
Oh, yeah, that's on Burnside, right? Yeah, or we can go to Moving on, so this piece of art is very special.
It's called the city of Portland.
Please, no photos.
_ Okay.
Is Alexandra here yet? - No.
- Okay.
Before she gets here, I just want to say, I love that she's our roommate, but this weird thing happened in the kitchen the other day.
- Oh, cute outfit.
- Thanks.
Is it like Breathless? Like what? Like the Godard film Breathless.
No, I just read that sailor tops are really popular in Lucky magazine, so Like, you know French New Wave, right? - Yeah, the film movement? - No.
That's okay.
You should check it out.
- Yeah, let's watch some.
- Truffaut and Godard Are these available on Redbox, or--? How can you dress exactly like this movie and have no idea what it is? Definitely odd, and I like her.
A lot.
I li-- I like her a lot too.
She's a cultural tease.
Oh, that's funny.
Yeah, I was depressed in college a lot.
I just watched a lot of movies.
Oh, you should have joined a sorority.
I was in one.
It's a cultural tease.
Yeah, like, if you go in to get a haircut and you want some asymmetrical haircut, you should be like, "yeah, I know Oingo Boingo, or I at least know what New Wave was.
" I was explaining Prince to her.
What do you mean explaining Prince? I was explaining who he was.
Remember her music.
Okay, well, this is just rough, but - Okay.
- Ready? Yeah.
Ooh! Is that actually it? Yeah, it's playing now.
Are the lyrics made up, or you just-- did you write them beforehand? - No, I wrote 'em before.
Yeah.
- Good for you.
I have, like, this little notebook diary kinda thing where I scribble the ideas and then I'm just gonna turn it down a little bit.
Really? Can you still hear? Yep.
When someone looks a certain way, I just ascribe all this knowledge to them.
Like, "oh, you must be referencing it on purpose.
" Like, I bet you recycle.
If you dress, like-- if you're all in, like, natural fibers, and-- Not the case.
That stuff goes in the recycling.
- The glass.
- Really? Some of the things she says, I'm just like, "wait, what?" Well, the Chinese are just gonna come by and steal it anyways.
What Chinese people? Just they always walk around and collect-- or the homeless people.
They take the glass out of the recycling.
Yeah.
I mean, they make money that way.
If she dressed like a soccer mom, then I'd just be like, "great.
Okay.
" Yes.
It would make sense.
Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh.
Alexandra.
How long have you been standing there? - I just got here.
- Okay.
I like your look.
- "Sucksie Sucks.
" - Yeah.
Oh.
Siouxsie Sioux.
You know? The girl in the band? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
You go shopping or something? I did.
I got you guys little presents.
- What? - These are for us? - Cupcakes.
- Sit down.
You're very sweet.
We're talking about Afghanistan.
Thank you for coming to Cinetopia.
- Hi, how are you? - Hi.
Good.
Thank you.
Are you tired of all the bland-tasting-- Are you tired of all the bland-tasting movie food you've been getting over the years? Well, for the first time, we're actually offering a new menu.
It's an artisan menu, and you can have something that actually tastes great, without tasting bland.
Are you tired of the same old movie food? Now in theaters-- artisan, rustic food.
It's like being in Europe a little bit, but here.
And our vegetables are fresh.
Are any of those vegetables even real? Those are plastic.
Okay, great.
Um, I was actually just gonna get, like, popcorn Would you like to try our artisan popcorn? Sure.
The newspaper really infuses the food with the grittiness of the paper.
I see you exhaling, sir.
We're gonna be with you in just a moment.
You've gotta be patient, okay? We're very, very sorry.
Our apologies.
We apologize to you.
You will not have to wait that much longer at all.
If I could just maybe get a Diet Sprite and I'll go, 'cause the-- the movie's starting.
Luke will make you an Italian soda.
Diet Sprite.
I think Sprite's supposed to be clear.
This is, like, the original Sprite, like back in the day when they would have coloring in it for the flavor.
Okay.
Um, okay that yeah.
So you went ahead and purchased the combo box.
Tuscan popcorn Your arugula salad with fresh cheese.
Mm.
It stinks.
And that's good.
Your sausage panini.
Sun-dried grapes.
Salted ice cream.
Okay.
Would you like to start a tab? Uh, yeah, I think I'm done.
What's your name? Jaime.
How do you spell that? - It's J-A-I-- - Slow down.
J-A I M-E.
All right.
Thank you very much, "Jame.
" Jay.
Jame? Customer Jame? - It's Jaime.
- Hey.
I'm here.
Okay, I forgot to drizzle the, uh, caramel on there.
Uh Okay.
Could I get maybe a paper towel? Yeah, I'm gonna go get one.
That guy's her dad.
Hey, there! I'm Royce.
Royce started dating a woman from the Department of Fish and Wildlife, so we're promoting octopus milk.
And I said, "honey, I gotta make this relationship work, so we're gonna do it.
" - Are you guys gonna get married? - Who knows? So we're not doing away with cookie milk we're actually just adding another alternative.
But that's not what this is about.
This is about you.
It's also about your relationship with Tonya.
Yeah, but her legs go from here to next Tuesday, and for a guy like me, I gotta take it.
- Hi.
How are you? Are you Ted? - Yes.
- How are you? Phil.
- Phil.
- I'm Gigi.
- Gigi, nice to meet you.
Yeah, we're from Japanese Toys.
Cool Offices.
- Great.
- What seems to be the problem? Well, uh, this is the space.
I just feel like my desk is a little bit blah.
We are really gonna transform not only this office, but your life, Ted.
- Uh, we got these Japanese toys-- - Okay.
And we're gonna place them around the desk-- so people pass by and go, "hey, what-- explain this to me.
" - Fantastic.
- Make up whatever you want.
The important part is we're talking.
And you're using your imagination.
And people will think, "he's a really creative guy.
" - Sounds perfect.
- Ted, are you a creative guy? I like to think I am.
I do the newsletter.
All right That looks great.
This is, like, a chicken fox.
Let me see your hand for a minute.
- What's your name again? - Ted.
You drive a lot.
I do.
Yeah.
What are you on, a stick shift? Yeah, but I use this hand.
- I'm gonna do a quick pass-by.
- Okay.
- I'm meeting her.
- Okay.
Hey, how've you been? Yeah, that's-- this is-- the height on this is good.
- Okay.
- These are not well-made.
Is that from a show or a comic book, or--? I mean, it's from Japan.
Ted, you know what? You're kind of in the way.
Can you just go to lunch? We're gonna finish our work here.
Sure, I-- cool.
Phil, I need you to bring out the big guns.
Come on.
- Got that? - Got it.
- These two guys together? - Yeah.
He's got one eye.
- Let's get some more stuff.
Come on.
- Okay.
Look down at me.
Can you see me? I can't see you, 'cause I'm so blinded by those beautiful Japanese toys.
He's at the computer.
Let's see if he's Yeah, that's really good.
I think let's leave everyone on the side here, 'cause I think - Are you talking into your elbow, Phil? - Yeah.
- I can't hear ya.
- Oh.
- I'm thinking something like a female body.
- Right.
Bare legs.
Maybe something on top that's like-- - Like a speedboat maybe? - But with teeth? Exactly.
- Well, that's pretty creative.
- Thanks.
Tinpos.
Unipos.
Right.
I don't know this guy's name, but And Tinpo's pets right here.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, yeah.
And, uh, this one is pretty good.
Oh, cool.
Do you wanna hang out sometime? Yeah.
That-- that'd be great, so Wow.
- So this'll be fun.
- Oh, cool.
Ooh! Carrie.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know.
I was just checking out her band.
- Are you wearing perfume? - Yeah.
Are you on a date? Nope.
Are you? - No.
- Okay.
Whoo! Thank you.
Thanks so much for coming out.
For this next track, I wanna give a shout-out to, um, a special someone that's in the audience.
Uh, I think you know who you are.
I think she's referring to me.
We're, like, hanging out a little bit.
Like hanging out, hanging out.
Yes.
Okay, well, I just was gonna tell you that Alexandra and I were hanging out.
Intimately.
Like sex.
Are you joking? Why can't I get just one smile maybe I'll hang around a while and one day-- I can't believe we're dating the same person.
Wow.
You're putting it into words.
She is not the kind of person I thought either of us would date.
She's just whimsical.
That's what whimsical people do.
Yeah, whimsical people date best friends.
- I just feel adventurous for once.
- Me too.
Like having fun and just being frivolous.
And being a dummy.
I wanna be a dummy.
One day One fine day - Are you jealous? - No.
I'm not either.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Nothing comes between us.
- She looks cute, though.
- Yeah.
Maybe it's got something to do with luck I'm so lucky That was a cover by The Violent Ferns.
Femmes.
Femmes.
Aw.
That's all right.
Think about 2.
2 miles, I think.
Yeah, I wanna do four before we're done.
Okay Hey.
- Huh.
- Wow.
Look at all these flyers.
So many missing cats.
This is the coyotes.
That is definitely coyote.
You know, we should let people know.
They come down from the hills, and they just prey on little animals.
Yeah.
These are not missing cats.
These are dead cats.
All right, wanna continue? - Let's do it.
- All right.
- Kath? - What? - Are you awake? - Yes, I'm awake.
I know what you're gonna say.
- Those coyotes.
- Ugh.
It sounds so evil.
A life is ending, and an innocent animal is being slain.
They're bragging about their kill.
We have to fight back at this point.
Shut it! We need to sleep! My wife needs her sleep.
Coyotes! Hunt during the day.
Shut up! I-- we hear it too.
Well, hopefully that did it.
It's quiet for now.
I'm gonna power down.
Kath is powering down.
Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
I speak for the coyotes.
But you were a coyote, and now-- This is our land.
We were here first.
Whoa.
Let me write that down.
Dave, do you hear what I say? Is any of this getting through to you? Aah! And why do you have to kill cats and dogs? 'Cause we're hungry.
You can go to restaurants.
We can't go to restaurants.
That's great.
Okay.
Maybe we can get together and walk down the same trail together.
That's us.
Yeah, I am so sorry.
I just had the most enlightening dream.
Dave, I think I had the same dream.
I-- you know what? I don't think we're gonna get to sleep tonight until we get out there and do something.
It's pretty good, actually.
- Yeah.
- I don't mind it.
Got some of the tail in there I think.
Are there more cats? Here, kitty.
Hi, are you guys here for the tour? I'm Kathleen.
Come up, we'll get started.
So this here is the Lucky Seven House, which was a punk house from 1984 to 2012, when it was officially placed on the register of Portland Historic Homes.
You will notice a smattering of couches on the porch.
For punks, couches were considered a status symbol.
All right, come on in.
Follow me into the living room.
- Lars, you're gonna be here for this? - Mm-hmm.
So Lars will be joining us for this.
Often many people would be staying at the house at once, often more than should be legally allowed.
That's because punks were not interested in making it your way.
So you'll find outdated cameras and outdated cassette tapes, recording over other recorded music.
So, uh, the next part-- Music.
I suppose-- yes.
The pop DJs stood at attention, and the people just fed off of it.
Yummy.
Can I have some more slop? Uh, the descendants stayed right here.
Great.
Vic Venom was here, and he farted like this.
He lifted up his legs.
Okay.
Come in.
You'll be passing through the two refrigerators to accommodate all the leftovers they were unwilling to throw out.
Uh, you can see here the vats of food-- Hunger is the father of necessity.
And ingenuity.
Great.
Are there any questions? - I have one.
- Okay.
When you have a house full of 20 or 30 people and one bathroom, how do you decide who goes to the bathroom first? This is no different than any other American house.
There was exchange of information, exchange of ideas That doesn't answer who goes to the bathroom first.
There was learning.
There was reading.
Do you remember what reading was? - Of course.
- Do you remember when-- - Pardon me? - Of course.
People often crashed in the various vehicles.
The old airstream.
The tent on the couch, people would stay for sometimes weeks.
Well, well, well, look what the government dragged in.
What's the matter, congress got your tongue? Thank you, Lars.
So feel free to take pictures and then just, uh, head out.
See you in Disneyland.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you? - I'm good.
What do you think? - I feel like you really got it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, and thank you for those punk rock tapes.
That really helps with the character.
That's-- Like, there's just this little bit of danger that you're capturing, and I think it makes people feel like they're really with a punk.
I did Mephistopheles, you know, in Cats, and part of being the villain there - is just being still.
- Oh, that's great.
So some of us might go to Olive Garden later if you want to join us.
Yeah.
Wake up! Wake up! Fred, wake up.
Wake up! Wake up! How are you dressed already? - Try these on.
- Alex.
Come on.
Try these on.
We're gonna take photos.
- Come on.
Ready? - All right.
- Champs-Elysees.
Think France.
- All right.
What are you doing with these pictures, before you do this? What are you gonna do with these? They're just for us.
All right.
_ - Wake up.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- You ready to get up? Wait, why are you-- why are you all dressed? It's Bastille Day.
- Oh, 1789.
- Yes.
Uh-huh.
Louis the 16th.
No, it's just an excuse to go out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Come on.
Do you wanna wake up? - I do.
Yeah.
- Let's have fun.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
_ _ _ Come on! Let's go! _ - Aah.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- What's up? Uh, Bastille Day? Are you going? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Well, it'll be fun.
We'll both be there, we're both dating the same girl.
That's life.
It happens.
Yeah, just, you know, running around and smiling and lots of kissing and Probably roll down a hill on my own for no reason.
Yeah, no, I'll be in a really heightened state of arousal.
I'm gonna be saying stuff like, "oh, come on.
Come on.
Give me that.
Gimme.
I want it.
I want that now.
" Yeah, and I'm just gonna be like, "uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
" - Quite like that.
- Yeah, me too.
- You ready? - Let's do it.
Sorry.
I got lipstick all over you.
It's okay.
So do you.
What? _ _ _ - I think she's asleep.
- Yeah.
She had too much wine.
Yeah.
She's really pretty when she sleeps.
Her face was so close to me all day.
Really? I couldn't see her face, 'cause it was on my face.
Did you see when she was, like, chasing me? I was like, "you're chasing me?" Yeah, I was there with you.
Were you? I saw you.
I did see you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you for helping.
I love you guys.
- I love you too.
- I love you too.
You made this the best Bastille Day ever.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.