Preacher (2016) s03e09 Episode Script
Schwanzkopf
1 ANGEL OF DEATH: Tulip O'Hare.
Brown hair.
Dressed as a Grail Officer.
I know where you can find her.
JODY: She wasn't taking Featherstone to no "station.
" Where is she taking her?! ECCARIUS: Why would I send another vampire out into the world? Is that where you get your secret powers, is it? If you want your soul, it's up his ass.
ALLFATHER: We're taking Genesis.
JESSE: You're gonna run out of Humperdoos.
DR.
SLOTNICK: I don't think so.
Bring in the Messiah.
ALLFATHER: Here He comes - [CHUCKLES.]
- The Light Upon the World Huh.
Ooh! Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Oh, yeah.
He is somethin' else.
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Any last words, Mr.
Custer? Yeah.
I have a gun in my pocket.
Wit, till the very end.
I do.
I have a gun in my inside pocket.
[GUN COCKS.]
See? Starr wanted me to kill you.
Then he shall know my buttocks as few men ever have.
Now untie me.
[CHUCKLES.]
You jest.
Well, you're gonna kill me as soon as this works, right? Of course.
Then let me die on my knees before God.
You have your guards.
You have the gun.
You have your Messiah.
Let me die a Christian.
- [HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Not very trusting, are you? On your knees, man of God.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
Forgive me.
Amen.
Nothing more? [BUTTON CLICKS.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [GUNSHOTS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
- Oh! - Aah! [GRUNTS.]
[THUDDING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GUN CLATTERS.]
No use struggling, Christian.
I will have Genesis.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
No! [BUTTON CLICKS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
Ahh! Ohh blessed almighty! Oh.
[EXPLOSION.]
[GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
FEATHERSTONE: Onward Christian soldiers Marching as to war With the cross of Jesus Going on before Christ, the royal Master Leads against the foe - [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COUGHS.]
[CHOKING.]
No more singing.
[COUS.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
[COUGHS, CHOKES.]
Hey.
Where you goin' with my briefcase? Hmm? Give it back right now and maybe I don't beat the snot out of you.
[EXHALES SHAKILY.]
Small woman, do you know who I am? Yeah, you're the creepy skank that stole our briefcase.
I have other names.
Abaddon.
Azrael.
The Angel of Death.
What about Satan's bitch? He's your boss, right? Told you to go on up there and grab "Tulip O'Hare"? - Well, you done that part right.
- [CHOKES.]
- [COUGHS.]
- But the part you did really wrong was walk off with somethin' meant for his old lady friend.
Madame L'Angelle? Your boss made a deal, and I'm guess'n he's gonna rip your pretty little head off when he hears you screwed up.
[CHOKES, COUGHS.]
[SNIFFING.]
I don't like you.
You don't have to.
You just gotta brush your teeth every once in a while and gimme back the goddamn briefcase.
[BUS HORN HONKS.]
[CHOKING, COUGHS.]
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
I'll be seeing you.
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COUGHING.]
It's not It's her, not me.
Wait, I can't go to Hell! I am a servant of God!!! - [COUGHING.]
- Look.
Listen I don't know who this O'Hare chick is, okay? But I know it ain't her.
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
[WHIP CRACKS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
So long, Tulip.
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Fuck.
They were dead long before they met me.
You have to understand, everyone that comes here is lost.
They've given up on mortality.
They're seeking something more.
So, I show them the promise of the vampire life, before they learn about the reality.
The torment of our existence.
Yer a bloody mental case.
I think you actually believe yer own bollocks, don't ya? - Listen to me.
- I've been listenin'.
- Cassidy - "I kill people to set them free.
" That's mental.
You sound like yer in a Kevin Spacey movie.
Only on top of that, it's a bloody lie.
You've been killin' all these people fer all these years because you like it.
It gives you power and it feels good.
So just admit it.
Alright.
[SIGHS.]
Cassidy, you have to try it.
The rush.
I mean, you would love it.
We'll do it together, my fondest wish.
Ever since the first time we met, I knew I wanted to do this with you.
They're not drugs, you arsehole.
They're people! All them hundreds you killed were people.
Lisa Jesus Christ, do you remember Lisa? - She trusted me - They're losers! Desperate posers just like you said.
And if they want to be like us and play with death? Fine.
Let's play.
- I'm going out there.
- No.
I'm going out there, and I'm gonna tell them exactly who you are.
I can't let you do that.
I won't let you.
[GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This is what you've been looking for all along.
Someone to accept you and your flaws.
Just accept me and mine.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Please, Cassidy.
We're this close to happiness.
I'd rather be sad.
Go on, just get it over and done with.
No.
[SIGHS.]
It's going to be worse than that.
Very impressive, Messiah.
[GROANS.]
[HANDCUFFS CLATTER.]
Mission accomplished.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[AIR SQUEAKING.]
[SQUISHING.]
[CLATTERS.]
Joy to the world The Lord is come Let Earth receive her King Let every heart Prepare Him room And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven and nature sing - [GRUNTS.]
- [GROANS.]
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord is come - Let Earth - [GRUNTS.]
Receive Joy to the world The Lord is come [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Bravo, Messiah.
- [VIAL CLATTERS.]
- We did it.
[ECHOING.]
On your knees.
HUMPERDOO: Ohh.
You sonofabitch.
I should make you eat everything in this goddamn room.
Your head looks like a dick.
So, I've been told.
Suits you.
Well, Starr.
I think we're done.
[HUMPERDOO CHUCKLES.]
So if there's nothin' else - Just the apocalypse.
- HUMPERDOO: Ooh! Pbht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pbht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pbht.
- [MOANS.]
- Left on our own, we'll have to stop the end of the world his way.
[MOANS.]
STARR: Allfather and the Grail have infiltrated all the nuclear weapon states.
Their agents wait poised, ready to loose their nuclear arsenals upon the world once they receive ["THE OLD SOFT SHOE" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.]
the signal.
Give me that old soft shoe, I said that old soft shoe - A one, a two - STARR: 2,000 years after the Romans nailed His only begotten son to a cross The Grail, protectors of the bloodline, will roll out Jesus' direct descendant.
- Enable missiles.
- Number one enabled.
- Two enabled.
- Three enabled.
- Go! Go! Go! - Play me that old soft shoe And nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
STARR: And the world will have their chance to accept him as their savior [ALL CHEERING.]
Or reject him and face eternal damnation in the coming apocalypse.
The Grail has already infiltrated all the nuclear weapon states Missiles will fly.
And when the music stops the unbelievers will burn.
HUMPERDOO: [MOANS.]
STARR: But the believers will survive and follow him to a new paradise on Earth.
HUMPERDOO: Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
That is the worst apocalypse plan I have ever heard.
[SIGHS.]
I agree Allfather was a lunatic.
You can't kill everyone.
Just the undesirables.
Hipsters.
Presbyterians.
Trade unionists.
The Danes.
A few dozen delicately placed, low-yield fissile devices ought to do the trick.
With you as Messiah, we'll have this dung-hole of a planet buffed back into shape in no time.
[GROANS, CHOKES.]
You are obviously as batshit crazy as Allfather was, so I'm gonna make this as clear as I can.
For the last time: I am never gonna be your Messiah.
[STRAINED.]
Okay.
Fine.
[GROANS.]
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- [HUMPERDOO MOANING.]
I'll just go to the backup.
[MOANING CONTINUES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't let that happen.
Don't see there's anything you can do about it, other than to agree to take his place.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll get rid of him.
[CHUCKLES.]
You won't.
I read your file.
You're not a murderer.
[SHOES SQUEAK.]
[SPLATTERING.]
Not that kind of murderer anyway.
Be reasonable.
He may be a moron but he's the 17th generation progeny of Christ himself.
[GUN COCKS.]
The Grail needs a Messiah.
It's our entire business model! [ECHOING.]
Stop.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm sorry, Starr.
You're gonna need a new business.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Crazy.
- - [GRUNTS.]
Not if I can help it.
[GRUNTS.]
This is a mistake.
I am not supposed to be going to Hell.
The only place I'm supposed to be going is off this damn bus! [SIGHS.]
Ja.
Not surprised.
I drove this hoelle express for many years No one ever got off.
Not without help anyway.
I wasn't offering it.
I was merely making conversation.
[WHISPERS.]
It's a free country.
Quiet, woman! You'll! Now look vat you've done! [SPURS JINGLE.]
I was telling her! "Behave yourself"! How's your back? My advice to you is just sit tight.
I don't sit tight.
Sittin' tight is not an option.
She saved your ass back there.
Please.
I was talkin' my way out of there just fine.
And she was on her way to Hell sooner or later anyway.
Man, you're a bitch.
What're you? A Boy Scout? So, she's gonna eat these? Then what? - [ANIMAL SQUEALS.]
- [THUD.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
FEATHERSTONE: Is that a paw or a hoof or a? Pain in the ass is what it is.
Gonna take a while to clean out all the whatnot.
You got the souls.
I'm out.
Herr Starr doesn't do well for long stretches without me.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPART.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE.]
[CASSIDY BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[POOL BALLS CLACK IN DISTANCE.]
Guys! Guys! W-We all We all gotta get out of here right now before he gets back.
He's a He's a bleedin' maniac! D'ye know what he's done to your mates What he's gonna do to Alla yous? Nobody's "flying" anywhere.
Do you know what? I am gonna bolt.
I'm gonna bolt right now.
Come on, let's go.
Who's coming with me? Come on.
We should all go right now! Come on! - What? - You killed Mr.
Hoover.
Listen to me.
I didn't kill Mr.
bloody Hoover.
I stopped him killing Hoover.
He killed Lisa.
He killed Deng.
He's killed all the others and he's gonna kill you, too, just so he can flit about in the bloody sky.
I mean, God knows what else he can do.
Listen.
Listen.
Eccarius is What? Ay, he's standin' right behind me? Well, my children Cassidy paints quite a vivid portrait Who we gonna believe? This, uh, bitter, destructive lost soul who we welcomed with open arms? In return, he brought the Catholics right to our very doorstep.
Hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Or your Lord who loves you? Who has always and will always love you? He loves you? You're his fix.
Says the junkie who hates you almost as much as he hates himself.
Alright, I did.
I said some harsh words when I first got here.
- That doesn't I don't - Yes, what exactly did Cassidy call us when he arrived? Eejits.
[ALL MURMURING.]
Stupid posers.
[CHUCKLES.]
An example must be made.
- None of yous touch me! - There you are, my children.
The true maniac amongst us.
[GROWLS.]
An example must be made.
I don't know about that, but Hey, either of you guys got a dime or, like, a-a dime-like thing? Good, Eugene.
Yeah.
I don't like zis.
I think we should just be waiting for Rick to rescue us.
Who the hell's "Rick"? My Reichsmarschall Rick.
From Circuit Works.
He and his SS shock troops should be [SIGHS.]
He said he was coming.
Not exactly.
Gimme one of your buttons.
But I earned these.
What about the girl? Was she with a preacher? Or did she die alone? She didn't die at all.
Satan told me to grab her off the street.
What about the rules? Don't be a Pollyanna.
Your deformity boy isn't dead either.
It's the Wild West, cowboy.
God's gone.
There are no rules.
Not that the old ones did your wife and kid any good.
[CROWS CAWING.]
I'm gonna drop these in the drive shaft The cuffs'll anchor the chain so it can catch on the flange yoke where the U-joint meets the differential.
Once the U-joint jams, then the crown gear will seize and either one or both of the axles are gonna lock.
You're gonna hear this big, loud screech, and the whole back of the bus, it's gonna start fishtailing We might even flip, but once we're stopped, we're gonna have long enough to make a run for it.
That's it.
Foster care.
Brace yourself.
Ready? One two - [WHIMPERS.]
- three.
[CHAIN CLANGING, CLATTERING.]
[SIGHS.]
[ECHOING.]
Freeze.
Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Whoa.
[MOANING.]
Humperdee? [MOANING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[MOANING.]
Whoa.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
No! Don't do it! I need a messiah, Messiah.
[MOANING.]
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[MUFFLED VOICES IN DISTANCE.]
[MUFFLED VOICE.]
Humperdoo.
[MOANS.]
Oh.
Ohh? Ohh? W-W-Wha [MUFFLED VOICES IN DISTANCE.]
Oh! [MOANS.]
[HUMPERDOO CLONES.]
Humperdoo.
Humperdoo.
[CLONES MOANING.]
[MOANS, CHUCKLES.]
[CLONES MOANING IN DISTANCE.]
No! [CLONES MOANING IN DISTANCE.]
Custer, you maniac! Personas, avenidas, museos, galerÃas en la noche Te conozco muy bien Dibujos secretos en un caleidoscopio Voces, voces dentro De mà Hablamos De nosotros Hablamos De nosotros Rumores sobre rumores Son sólo palabras [HUMPERDOO CLONES MOANING.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- [BODY THUDS.]
[ECHOING.]
Relax.
[SIGHS.]
You don't know what you've done [NORMAL VOICE.]
Stopped an apocalypse.
Two by the sounds of it.
Not a bad day.
Here's the last of your "Tom/Brady" cocktail.
[CLATTERS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
Genesis is mine.
So we find ourselves adversaries once again, Custer.
I've got a date with a mean old lady.
Give her my love.
One more thing [ECHOING.]
No more hats.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
- [ECHOING.]
Stop! - [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[POOL BALLS CLATTERING.]
[GROANS.]
- It pains us to do this - [GROANS.]
but there's no worse offense than to betray your own kind.
[GRUNTS.]
It's time.
Kevin, the drapes.
[GRUNTING.]
Ooh, that's embarrassing.
Should we move him into the light? No.
We'll let the sun come to him.
[GRUNTS.]
[SIZZLING.]
Give me time to collect something.
- And give Cassidy - [GRUNTS.]
more time to reflect.
I'll make a lasagna.
[GROANS.]
HITLER: Rick should be here by now.
I gave him directions.
Where the hell is he? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Build a bomb.
[SPEAKS GERMAN.]
Fetching, sir.
Especially like the mutton chops.
I feel duty bound to inform you of a significant lifestyle change I am a vampire.
But I assure you, it will have no impact whatsoever on my job performance or professionalism.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I-I think it's on backwards.
No.
I was wrong.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Son of a whoring bitch! So, here's the thing I have to go to the bathroom.
Be my guest.
Seriously though.
Go ahead.
You wouldn't be the first person pissed herself on this ride.
Would I be the first to call you a dumbass leather skank? You'd be the first and the last.
What? Huh? Yeah, you better look away.
Oh, I ain't scared of him.
Not anymore.
Not since a preacher I know pretty much beat his sorry ass.
No wonder they made you errand boy after that mess.
I'm no one's errand boy.
Bus ride babysittin'? [SCOFFS.]
Sounds like errand boy shit to me.
I'm surprised they didn't just make him Satan's ass-wiper.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's right.
I I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have called you an errand boy.
I shoulda called you an errand bitch.
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Did it work? [CLATTERING.]
They want to be vampires and change the world, but try gettin' them to pick up after themselves [GROANS.]
Could Could I trouble you for a beverage? I got I got an awful throat on me here.
- Energy drink? - Ooh, yeah.
Go on.
I could do with a caffeine bump.
I've been nappin' through me own crucifixion.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr.
Cassidy.
Handsome and funny and they all look up to you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Too bad you turned out to be such a rotten piece of shit.
Christ, you can never be too sure about people, huh? And now here you nailed to a pool table with tent stakes.
It's just so disheartening, Mr.
Cassidy.
I feel the same.
Well, hopefully you'll burn quick.
Although I doubt it with all these soda spills.
Mrs.
Rosen? You've been very kind to me, you know? Like me dear old Granny B used to be God rest her soul.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I be greedy and ask for one small act of kindness? I won't let you go, Mr.
Cassidy.
No, no, no, no, of course not.
Just one last request for a vampire condemned.
You know the flown children? You have all their numbers, right? Right? Lisa she's in Poland.
You just call her up.
Tell her I'm sorry.
Alright? Okay so, we're going about 40 miles per hour But there's a grass shoulder so when we break the window, we're gonna go out feet first.
You gotta jump as far away from the side of the bus as possible so you don't get run over.
Stabbed in ze back again.
Just like 1918.
When you're in the air, you're gonna tuck your body like you're doin' a cannonball into a swimming pool Do not break your fall with your arms, okay? Once you feel the ground, you're gonna roll, roll Get out of my way!!! Auf Wiedersehen, suckers! [EXPLOSION.]
["DU SCHAUST MIR VIEL ZU TIEF" PLAYS.]
[WOMAN SINGING IN GERMAN.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING ENDS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SPOON CLINKS.]
I was I was having the most wonderful dream.
That's nice.
Jody's not back yet and and there's no word from Lil' Jesse.
Jesse'll be here he'll come back.
He gave me his word.
A-A-And you believe him, Miss Marie? Well, of course I do.
He's coming to kill me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, fellas.
[ECHOING.]
Back to work.
Brown hair.
Dressed as a Grail Officer.
I know where you can find her.
JODY: She wasn't taking Featherstone to no "station.
" Where is she taking her?! ECCARIUS: Why would I send another vampire out into the world? Is that where you get your secret powers, is it? If you want your soul, it's up his ass.
ALLFATHER: We're taking Genesis.
JESSE: You're gonna run out of Humperdoos.
DR.
SLOTNICK: I don't think so.
Bring in the Messiah.
ALLFATHER: Here He comes - [CHUCKLES.]
- The Light Upon the World Huh.
Ooh! Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Oh! Oh, yeah.
He is somethin' else.
[GROANS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Any last words, Mr.
Custer? Yeah.
I have a gun in my pocket.
Wit, till the very end.
I do.
I have a gun in my inside pocket.
[GUN COCKS.]
See? Starr wanted me to kill you.
Then he shall know my buttocks as few men ever have.
Now untie me.
[CHUCKLES.]
You jest.
Well, you're gonna kill me as soon as this works, right? Of course.
Then let me die on my knees before God.
You have your guards.
You have the gun.
You have your Messiah.
Let me die a Christian.
- [HANDCUFFS CLICK.]
- [GRUNTS.]
Not very trusting, are you? On your knees, man of God.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Oh.
Forgive me.
Amen.
Nothing more? [BUTTON CLICKS.]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- [GUNSHOTS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
- Oh! - Aah! [GRUNTS.]
[THUDDING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GUN CLATTERS.]
No use struggling, Christian.
I will have Genesis.
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[BOTH GRUNTING.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTS.]
No! [BUTTON CLICKS, ELECTRICITY CRACKLES.]
[SCREAMING.]
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS.]
[GASPS.]
Ahh! Ohh blessed almighty! Oh.
[EXPLOSION.]
[GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
FEATHERSTONE: Onward Christian soldiers Marching as to war With the cross of Jesus Going on before Christ, the royal Master Leads against the foe - [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COUGHS.]
[CHOKING.]
No more singing.
[COUS.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
[SPURS JINGLE.]
[COUGHS, CHOKES.]
Hey.
Where you goin' with my briefcase? Hmm? Give it back right now and maybe I don't beat the snot out of you.
[EXHALES SHAKILY.]
Small woman, do you know who I am? Yeah, you're the creepy skank that stole our briefcase.
I have other names.
Abaddon.
Azrael.
The Angel of Death.
What about Satan's bitch? He's your boss, right? Told you to go on up there and grab "Tulip O'Hare"? - Well, you done that part right.
- [CHOKES.]
- [COUGHS.]
- But the part you did really wrong was walk off with somethin' meant for his old lady friend.
Madame L'Angelle? Your boss made a deal, and I'm guess'n he's gonna rip your pretty little head off when he hears you screwed up.
[CHOKES, COUGHS.]
[SNIFFING.]
I don't like you.
You don't have to.
You just gotta brush your teeth every once in a while and gimme back the goddamn briefcase.
[BUS HORN HONKS.]
[CHOKING, COUGHS.]
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
I'll be seeing you.
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [COUGHING.]
It's not It's her, not me.
Wait, I can't go to Hell! I am a servant of God!!! - [COUGHING.]
- Look.
Listen I don't know who this O'Hare chick is, okay? But I know it ain't her.
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
[WHIP CRACKS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[GRUNTING.]
So long, Tulip.
- [WHIP CRACKS.]
- [GRUNTS.]
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Fuck.
They were dead long before they met me.
You have to understand, everyone that comes here is lost.
They've given up on mortality.
They're seeking something more.
So, I show them the promise of the vampire life, before they learn about the reality.
The torment of our existence.
Yer a bloody mental case.
I think you actually believe yer own bollocks, don't ya? - Listen to me.
- I've been listenin'.
- Cassidy - "I kill people to set them free.
" That's mental.
You sound like yer in a Kevin Spacey movie.
Only on top of that, it's a bloody lie.
You've been killin' all these people fer all these years because you like it.
It gives you power and it feels good.
So just admit it.
Alright.
[SIGHS.]
Cassidy, you have to try it.
The rush.
I mean, you would love it.
We'll do it together, my fondest wish.
Ever since the first time we met, I knew I wanted to do this with you.
They're not drugs, you arsehole.
They're people! All them hundreds you killed were people.
Lisa Jesus Christ, do you remember Lisa? - She trusted me - They're losers! Desperate posers just like you said.
And if they want to be like us and play with death? Fine.
Let's play.
- I'm going out there.
- No.
I'm going out there, and I'm gonna tell them exactly who you are.
I can't let you do that.
I won't let you.
[GRUNTS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
This is what you've been looking for all along.
Someone to accept you and your flaws.
Just accept me and mine.
- [GRUNTS.]
- Please, Cassidy.
We're this close to happiness.
I'd rather be sad.
Go on, just get it over and done with.
No.
[SIGHS.]
It's going to be worse than that.
Very impressive, Messiah.
[GROANS.]
[HANDCUFFS CLATTER.]
Mission accomplished.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
[AIR SQUEAKING.]
[SQUISHING.]
[CLATTERS.]
Joy to the world The Lord is come Let Earth receive her King Let every heart Prepare Him room And Heaven and nature sing And Heaven and nature sing - [GRUNTS.]
- [GROANS.]
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing Joy to the world The Lord is come - Let Earth - [GRUNTS.]
Receive Joy to the world The Lord is come [BOTH GRUNTING.]
Bravo, Messiah.
- [VIAL CLATTERS.]
- We did it.
[ECHOING.]
On your knees.
HUMPERDOO: Ohh.
You sonofabitch.
I should make you eat everything in this goddamn room.
Your head looks like a dick.
So, I've been told.
Suits you.
Well, Starr.
I think we're done.
[HUMPERDOO CHUCKLES.]
So if there's nothin' else - Just the apocalypse.
- HUMPERDOO: Ooh! Pbht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pbht.
[CHUCKLES.]
Pbht.
- [MOANS.]
- Left on our own, we'll have to stop the end of the world his way.
[MOANS.]
STARR: Allfather and the Grail have infiltrated all the nuclear weapon states.
Their agents wait poised, ready to loose their nuclear arsenals upon the world once they receive ["THE OLD SOFT SHOE" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND.]
the signal.
Give me that old soft shoe, I said that old soft shoe - A one, a two - STARR: 2,000 years after the Romans nailed His only begotten son to a cross The Grail, protectors of the bloodline, will roll out Jesus' direct descendant.
- Enable missiles.
- Number one enabled.
- Two enabled.
- Three enabled.
- Go! Go! Go! - Play me that old soft shoe And nothing else will do That's the dance my darling used to do [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
STARR: And the world will have their chance to accept him as their savior [ALL CHEERING.]
Or reject him and face eternal damnation in the coming apocalypse.
The Grail has already infiltrated all the nuclear weapon states Missiles will fly.
And when the music stops the unbelievers will burn.
HUMPERDOO: [MOANS.]
STARR: But the believers will survive and follow him to a new paradise on Earth.
HUMPERDOO: Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
That is the worst apocalypse plan I have ever heard.
[SIGHS.]
I agree Allfather was a lunatic.
You can't kill everyone.
Just the undesirables.
Hipsters.
Presbyterians.
Trade unionists.
The Danes.
A few dozen delicately placed, low-yield fissile devices ought to do the trick.
With you as Messiah, we'll have this dung-hole of a planet buffed back into shape in no time.
[GROANS, CHOKES.]
You are obviously as batshit crazy as Allfather was, so I'm gonna make this as clear as I can.
For the last time: I am never gonna be your Messiah.
[STRAINED.]
Okay.
Fine.
[GROANS.]
- [INHALES DEEPLY.]
- [HUMPERDOO MOANING.]
I'll just go to the backup.
[MOANING CONTINUES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I can't let that happen.
Don't see there's anything you can do about it, other than to agree to take his place.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'll get rid of him.
[CHUCKLES.]
You won't.
I read your file.
You're not a murderer.
[SHOES SQUEAK.]
[SPLATTERING.]
Not that kind of murderer anyway.
Be reasonable.
He may be a moron but he's the 17th generation progeny of Christ himself.
[GUN COCKS.]
The Grail needs a Messiah.
It's our entire business model! [ECHOING.]
Stop.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm sorry, Starr.
You're gonna need a new business.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah.
Crazy.
- - [GRUNTS.]
Not if I can help it.
[GRUNTS.]
This is a mistake.
I am not supposed to be going to Hell.
The only place I'm supposed to be going is off this damn bus! [SIGHS.]
Ja.
Not surprised.
I drove this hoelle express for many years No one ever got off.
Not without help anyway.
I wasn't offering it.
I was merely making conversation.
[WHISPERS.]
It's a free country.
Quiet, woman! You'll! Now look vat you've done! [SPURS JINGLE.]
I was telling her! "Behave yourself"! How's your back? My advice to you is just sit tight.
I don't sit tight.
Sittin' tight is not an option.
She saved your ass back there.
Please.
I was talkin' my way out of there just fine.
And she was on her way to Hell sooner or later anyway.
Man, you're a bitch.
What're you? A Boy Scout? So, she's gonna eat these? Then what? - [ANIMAL SQUEALS.]
- [THUD.]
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
FEATHERSTONE: Is that a paw or a hoof or a? Pain in the ass is what it is.
Gonna take a while to clean out all the whatnot.
You got the souls.
I'm out.
Herr Starr doesn't do well for long stretches without me.
[FOOTSTEPS DEPART.]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE.]
[CASSIDY BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[POOL BALLS CLACK IN DISTANCE.]
Guys! Guys! W-We all We all gotta get out of here right now before he gets back.
He's a He's a bleedin' maniac! D'ye know what he's done to your mates What he's gonna do to Alla yous? Nobody's "flying" anywhere.
Do you know what? I am gonna bolt.
I'm gonna bolt right now.
Come on, let's go.
Who's coming with me? Come on.
We should all go right now! Come on! - What? - You killed Mr.
Hoover.
Listen to me.
I didn't kill Mr.
bloody Hoover.
I stopped him killing Hoover.
He killed Lisa.
He killed Deng.
He's killed all the others and he's gonna kill you, too, just so he can flit about in the bloody sky.
I mean, God knows what else he can do.
Listen.
Listen.
Eccarius is What? Ay, he's standin' right behind me? Well, my children Cassidy paints quite a vivid portrait Who we gonna believe? This, uh, bitter, destructive lost soul who we welcomed with open arms? In return, he brought the Catholics right to our very doorstep.
Hang on.
Hang on a minute.
Or your Lord who loves you? Who has always and will always love you? He loves you? You're his fix.
Says the junkie who hates you almost as much as he hates himself.
Alright, I did.
I said some harsh words when I first got here.
- That doesn't I don't - Yes, what exactly did Cassidy call us when he arrived? Eejits.
[ALL MURMURING.]
Stupid posers.
[CHUCKLES.]
An example must be made.
- None of yous touch me! - There you are, my children.
The true maniac amongst us.
[GROWLS.]
An example must be made.
I don't know about that, but Hey, either of you guys got a dime or, like, a-a dime-like thing? Good, Eugene.
Yeah.
I don't like zis.
I think we should just be waiting for Rick to rescue us.
Who the hell's "Rick"? My Reichsmarschall Rick.
From Circuit Works.
He and his SS shock troops should be [SIGHS.]
He said he was coming.
Not exactly.
Gimme one of your buttons.
But I earned these.
What about the girl? Was she with a preacher? Or did she die alone? She didn't die at all.
Satan told me to grab her off the street.
What about the rules? Don't be a Pollyanna.
Your deformity boy isn't dead either.
It's the Wild West, cowboy.
God's gone.
There are no rules.
Not that the old ones did your wife and kid any good.
[CROWS CAWING.]
I'm gonna drop these in the drive shaft The cuffs'll anchor the chain so it can catch on the flange yoke where the U-joint meets the differential.
Once the U-joint jams, then the crown gear will seize and either one or both of the axles are gonna lock.
You're gonna hear this big, loud screech, and the whole back of the bus, it's gonna start fishtailing We might even flip, but once we're stopped, we're gonna have long enough to make a run for it.
That's it.
Foster care.
Brace yourself.
Ready? One two - [WHIMPERS.]
- three.
[CHAIN CLANGING, CLATTERING.]
[SIGHS.]
[ECHOING.]
Freeze.
Ooh! [CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Whoa.
[MOANING.]
Humperdee? [MOANING.]
[LAUGHS.]
[MOANING.]
Whoa.
Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
Whoa.
[CHUCKLES.]
No! Don't do it! I need a messiah, Messiah.
[MOANING.]
Ooh.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[MUFFLED VOICES IN DISTANCE.]
[MUFFLED VOICE.]
Humperdoo.
[MOANS.]
Oh.
Ohh? Ohh? W-W-Wha [MUFFLED VOICES IN DISTANCE.]
Oh! [MOANS.]
[HUMPERDOO CLONES.]
Humperdoo.
Humperdoo.
[CLONES MOANING.]
[MOANS, CHUCKLES.]
[CLONES MOANING IN DISTANCE.]
No! [CLONES MOANING IN DISTANCE.]
Custer, you maniac! Personas, avenidas, museos, galerÃas en la noche Te conozco muy bien Dibujos secretos en un caleidoscopio Voces, voces dentro De mà Hablamos De nosotros Hablamos De nosotros Rumores sobre rumores Son sólo palabras [HUMPERDOO CLONES MOANING.]
- [HORN HONKS.]
- [BODY THUDS.]
[ECHOING.]
Relax.
[SIGHS.]
You don't know what you've done [NORMAL VOICE.]
Stopped an apocalypse.
Two by the sounds of it.
Not a bad day.
Here's the last of your "Tom/Brady" cocktail.
[CLATTERS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
Genesis is mine.
So we find ourselves adversaries once again, Custer.
I've got a date with a mean old lady.
Give her my love.
One more thing [ECHOING.]
No more hats.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
- [ECHOING.]
Stop! - [TIRES SQUEAL.]
[SCREAMING.]
[SCREAMING.]
[POOL BALLS CLATTERING.]
[GROANS.]
- It pains us to do this - [GROANS.]
but there's no worse offense than to betray your own kind.
[GRUNTS.]
It's time.
Kevin, the drapes.
[GRUNTING.]
Ooh, that's embarrassing.
Should we move him into the light? No.
We'll let the sun come to him.
[GRUNTS.]
[SIZZLING.]
Give me time to collect something.
- And give Cassidy - [GRUNTS.]
more time to reflect.
I'll make a lasagna.
[GROANS.]
HITLER: Rick should be here by now.
I gave him directions.
Where the hell is he? [CLEARS THROAT.]
[IMITATES EXPLOSION.]
Build a bomb.
[SPEAKS GERMAN.]
Fetching, sir.
Especially like the mutton chops.
I feel duty bound to inform you of a significant lifestyle change I am a vampire.
But I assure you, it will have no impact whatsoever on my job performance or professionalism.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I-I think it's on backwards.
No.
I was wrong.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Son of a whoring bitch! So, here's the thing I have to go to the bathroom.
Be my guest.
Seriously though.
Go ahead.
You wouldn't be the first person pissed herself on this ride.
Would I be the first to call you a dumbass leather skank? You'd be the first and the last.
What? Huh? Yeah, you better look away.
Oh, I ain't scared of him.
Not anymore.
Not since a preacher I know pretty much beat his sorry ass.
No wonder they made you errand boy after that mess.
I'm no one's errand boy.
Bus ride babysittin'? [SCOFFS.]
Sounds like errand boy shit to me.
I'm surprised they didn't just make him Satan's ass-wiper.
[CHUCKLES.]
He's right.
I I'm sorry.
I-I shouldn't have called you an errand boy.
I shoulda called you an errand bitch.
[GRUNTS, GROANS.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Did it work? [CLATTERING.]
They want to be vampires and change the world, but try gettin' them to pick up after themselves [GROANS.]
Could Could I trouble you for a beverage? I got I got an awful throat on me here.
- Energy drink? - Ooh, yeah.
Go on.
I could do with a caffeine bump.
I've been nappin' through me own crucifixion.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr.
Cassidy.
Handsome and funny and they all look up to you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Too bad you turned out to be such a rotten piece of shit.
Christ, you can never be too sure about people, huh? And now here you nailed to a pool table with tent stakes.
It's just so disheartening, Mr.
Cassidy.
I feel the same.
Well, hopefully you'll burn quick.
Although I doubt it with all these soda spills.
Mrs.
Rosen? You've been very kind to me, you know? Like me dear old Granny B used to be God rest her soul.
[CHUCKLES.]
Can I be greedy and ask for one small act of kindness? I won't let you go, Mr.
Cassidy.
No, no, no, no, of course not.
Just one last request for a vampire condemned.
You know the flown children? You have all their numbers, right? Right? Lisa she's in Poland.
You just call her up.
Tell her I'm sorry.
Alright? Okay so, we're going about 40 miles per hour But there's a grass shoulder so when we break the window, we're gonna go out feet first.
You gotta jump as far away from the side of the bus as possible so you don't get run over.
Stabbed in ze back again.
Just like 1918.
When you're in the air, you're gonna tuck your body like you're doin' a cannonball into a swimming pool Do not break your fall with your arms, okay? Once you feel the ground, you're gonna roll, roll Get out of my way!!! Auf Wiedersehen, suckers! [EXPLOSION.]
["DU SCHAUST MIR VIEL ZU TIEF" PLAYS.]
[WOMAN SINGING IN GERMAN.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING CONTINUES.]
[SINGING ENDS.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SIGHS.]
[SPOON CLINKS.]
I was I was having the most wonderful dream.
That's nice.
Jody's not back yet and and there's no word from Lil' Jesse.
Jesse'll be here he'll come back.
He gave me his word.
A-A-And you believe him, Miss Marie? Well, of course I do.
He's coming to kill me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thanks, fellas.
[ECHOING.]
Back to work.