Reno 911! (2003) s03e09 Episode Script

We're out here in the parking lot, Myself and deputy travis junior, To demonstrate the latest in lower body protection wear.
Of course, we're covered up here with our kevlar vest.
And instead of the traditional plastic cup, This year, the department has issued A brand-new state-of-the-art alloy-framed cup With a kevlar coating.
You're wearin' this thing.
And it could stop a bullet, It could stop a train, human bite, a dog bite.
I mean, it is--watch this.
- Aah! Aah! I'm not wearin' it, jackass! - I thought you - It's in my hand! - But didn't you have [junior coughs.]
by mtv networks Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- - Go, go, go! [electric current hums.]
- Ha ha ha ha! Hey, where's the guy? [siren.]
- Finally, last order of business today, The answer is jalapeno poppers, mescal shots, And the no frijoles barred taco bar At tacos, tacos, tacos tonight.
What's the question? - What? - Happy birthday, garcia! - It's your birthday! - Thank you, thank you.
- Big 7-5, huh? - Gettin' old.
No, no, no.
- Save a dance for me, now.
- I would save a dance for you, And that sounds like fun, But I have, uh, some plans of my own for my birthday.
[laughter.]
- No, you don't! - Ok, so we'll get there-- get there a little bit early, 'cause they gotta get the jalapeno poppers up.
- Uh, you know, I appreciate it, But, uh, just seriously, this year, I gotHey, rain check.
- We not gonna beg you.
- Oh, no, no.
We'll, uh, we'll do it, uh, my next one.
Only thank you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- I'm gonna.
Ok.
- He's got plans? What? - Uh, yeah, he's got a date with brittany murphy.
What? No, no.
He doesn't have plans.
He's gonna jack off, and he's gonna watch Old "hill street blues" episodes.
- And then he's gonna cry.
- That's what he does, and he's gonna sob.
- He wrote something on this paper.
- He wrote "happy birthday to me" With kind of a picture of a little octoroon.
- That's supposed to be me - I drew a picture of a hamburger With a sad face, and no one saw it as me crying for help.
[dogs bark.]
- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! Frisbee! - Chandler, ross, joey, oliver, greg, get in the house! Get in the house! - How are we doin' today? - We're doing.
- We got a call down there at the department.
Some, aircraft takin' off from reno airport's been receivin' Some fire, some bullet rounds.
- What airline was it? - Uh - Doesn't really matter, frisbee, honestly - I don't shoot at airlines.
Alien aircraft.
- You only shoot at alien aircraft? - What I think is alien aircraft, e.
T.
Stuff.
- Uh-huh, and how would you distinguish that From regular aircraft? - It's got aliens in it.
- What if you start some shit with alien spirits--aircraft? What if they were just, you know, doin', A little drive-by And you start takin' shots at 'em, And suddenly, holy shit, we just took a first shot At an alien spacecraft.
- That's a good question.
What's your name? - Travis, travis junior.
- Travis, that's a good question.
- Thank you.
- I like your look.
- I like your lifestyle.
- Thanks a lot.
Got a nice house, got a good wife/second cousin.
- How you doin', ma'am? - Hi.
I'm good, thanks.
- If we were to look, say, for example, In that bunker that you covered with tarp Right before we came over - I ain't been over there in so long.
I have not been over-- - You never make it to this corner of the yard.
- That's not even ours.
- This is not yours? - Uh--honey, is that ours? - Shut up! - I'm sorry.
- Oh, ho ho ho ho! - Oh, my lord.
- Holy - Wow! Damn! - Frisbee! - Yeah, I got this at a yard sale.
- What? Shit.
I never find shit at yard sales.
- You got a bargain, too.
- So you're just shootin' at these cans right there? - That and the oranges.
- All right, so just cock her up and let her go.
- Just hug up to it.
All right, put the hand underneath.
Here we go.
- Feed and bleed! Let it feed and bleed! - Shit! Shit! - That was pretty fucking cool.
- Can I do it next? - Sure.
Go ahead.
[siren.]
- So I'm 90% sure My house is haunted.
- Hey, there, kimball! - Hey, how ya doin'? - Turns out a guy killed himself In the back of my garage.
And his name was timmy.
- Hey, papi! - Good to see you.
- Oh, my gosh! Look at you! - Get out here.
Let me look at you.
Let me just turn you around.
- Oh, lookit! - Whoo! - You like them?! I just got them.
- Ohh! Put out the fire! Uh-oh! Put out the fire.
- He has a secret girlfriend.
- Oh, you like that.
- I like when you like that.
You look beautiful.
- I made arroz con pollo.
- Chicken and rice? - I did, I did.
- Oh, good! - Who is that lady, and why is he hiding her? - He blew us off.
- Why does he have a secret lady? Who's the secret lady? - There's something wrong with her.
Obviously.
- Obviously.
- That's a dude.
- Think it's a dude? - Let's find out what can.
- I'm dumbfounded.
[tires screech.]
- I haven't met garcia's girlfriend.
I don't think anybody has, But my feeling is anyone That keeps him busy And keeps him from jerking off in the evidence locker Is a good thing.
- That little f-er.
- Mexican.
- That little mexican jumping bean.
To be hiding, like, this seemingly normal-looking woman, That is weird.
That is weird, 'cause remember that fat chick he was dating? He strutted her around like his prize piglet.
- 222 virginia.
Right here.
There they are.
Let's go.
- Stealth mode Stealth mode.
- What's that mean, Like ducking? - Yes.
Duck.
Stealth mode means duck.
Ok.
Ok, gang.
- My god.
Look, look, look, look.
Look what they doin'.
- Aw, come on! - Look at that! - That's a wedding cake? - Wedding cake.
That's a wedding cake.
motherfucker.
- He's marryin' that woman? - She marryin' him? That's the question.
We've been runnin' stats on this skank all morning.
Nothin'.
Not escaped from a mental institution, No prior arrests, clean credit.
- Good morning, people! Wow! What a surprise to see you all here where I am! How did that happen, dangle?! Huh? "let's go see what garcia's doin' today on his day off "because we don't have work to do! No! We gotta follow garcia around!" - Oh, my goodness! - This is maria.
- Is this a surprise?! - Surprise.
- Oh, ho ho! Oh, my god! - Yes, honey.
- Hello! Oh, my goodness! Welcome to the family! - Thank you.
- This is maria.
A fun surprise.
- Please, please tell me you all are coming to the wedding.
Please tell me yes.
I won't take no - Wedding, huh? - We didn't get an invitation.
- We don't have a date yet.
We don't have a date.
So - Yeah.
There's no date, pero - No need to send out invitations Or let anybody know yet.
- I picked out the cake.
I already picked it out.
- You did? You did it without me.
Good for you.
- We're gonna go get the invitations And all you guys, please be there, ok? I love you guys! I love you.
I'll go get the car, ok? - Hey, she's wonderful.
Why are you embarrassed of her? - I'm not embarrassed of her.
I'm embarrassed of you.
I work with 7 trolls! Snow white and the 7 idiots! Look at y'all! - Well, you would think that-- - Well, you would think that you would just shut up right now! I'm sick of it! Have a good day spyin'! - Come on, papi! Bye! - Bye.
- Nice finally meetin' ya.
- I feel like shit.
- Yeah.
- We should still follow him, right? - I got one of her hairs.
I got one of hairs when she hugged me.
- Wait, wait, you guys.
Go in there, Find out where they're deliverin' the cake.
- Find that out! - Buy some hats if you got to! - Come on, let's go Go, go, go, go, move! - I'll page every 3 minutes! [siren.]
[siren.]
- We take you now live for a statement From a representative for the reno sheriff's department.
- I'm nervous.
I never Done one of these before.
I mean, they tell you when, Like, they say action or something, right? - What? - Do they say action when you're on? - Yeah, you're supposed to hear somethin'.
Do I have a booger? - A little bit of one.
- Hey.
Can you do me a favor? Can you see--can you see my pad? - I can totally see your pad.
You can see it? It's like way--it's like way up here.
You're supposed to put it in the front.
- Hey! You're on the air! - It looks like - You're on the air! - Wait.
I can't tell if that's your pad Or the seam of your pants.
- Hello.
- Got a call that somebody's been givin', Tongue jobs Here in the restroom Of tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos.
- Sheriff's department! - Sheriff's department! - What? Hello? - Is that you, terry? - Terry? - Yes, it's me! I have diarrhea! It's bad! - Get out of the bathroom, terry! Get on out of here! - I have bad diarrhea.
- You alone in there, terry? - All right.
It's stuck.
Shh! - Who were you shooshing? - What? - Who were you shooshing? - Nobody.
- I didn't shoosh.
- Have you been giving tongue jobs in the bathroom? - No! Why would I do that?! I would never do something like that.
First of all, I have a girlfriend who I love very much.
- Her name is - Michelle.
- Michelle? - What's she look like? - She's, us, super-tall, and she's got - How tall? - Sweet boobs.
- Uh-huh.
I always knew you were a sweet booby man, terry.
- I put my weiner on 'em.
- Yeah? - Yep.
- You did? - That's true.
- Terry, the good people here at tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos Have agreed to - Shut.
- Ok, sir - Don't--who's that?! Who is that?! - Come on, come here.
- Who are you? - Stay where you are.
- Oh, my god! - - Stay where you are - Oh, my god.
He's a killer.
Who is that guy? - Keep talking to him.
Come on.
In you go.
- Who is that guy? - You never seen him before? - I've never seen him before.
- What the fuck, terry.
- What? - These are good people at tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos! - I know! - They did not have to take a felon! - That's what I said.
- I'm not--stop yelling at me.
- Oh, the drama, the fucking drama.
[terry sobbing softly.]
- We're not goin' with the waterworks.
- Stay where you are.
- Stay where you are.
- I'm gonna go talk to this son of a bitch.
- Talk to that little son of a bitch.
- TerryTerry, you had a chance to start over.
Not a lot of people get a chance to start over, but you got - What? - What? - $2.
00 a tongue job.
- Jesus, terry, $2.
00?! - $2.
00.
Terry, I'd like to direct your attention.
The burger special, the tacos, tacos, tacos burger special: $4.
09! - First of all, a tongue job doesn't come With fries or a soda.
[laughter and yelling.]
- Open up, ladies! - I ordered a male.
- You got me, huh? Back up, blondie.
Ladies, you bein' way too loud, all right? All this hollerin' and screami'' and carryin' on.
You the bride, 'cause you gettin' married.
That's nothin' to celebrate.
Let me tell you somethin', honey, I been where you at.
I been where you at: All wantin' to get married, All tryin' to have a man.
Skinny! Girl, I used to could hula hoop with a cheerio! One husband and 4 babies later, what? Bam! Look at it! This is your destiny! I sit on your destiny every day.
Y'all don't even want me to unbutton my shirt And show you my stomach, Where them stretch marks all ran across there So they look like railroad tracks! Congratulations, girl! Whoo whoo whoo.
Come on, joe.
Have a good time, ladies! Don't drink too much! Somebody had to do it.
[bride sobs.]
I walk in the truth.
- I love roller skating.
We gotta do it again.
- Let's do it again.
- Ok! - I love you.
- I love you.
Be careful, ok? Have a good night's sleep, ok? - I will.
- Tomorrow, breakfast? - You be good, now.
Tomorrow, breakfast.
[motorcycle.]
- Damn, girl! You lookin' fine! I brought you something.
- Oh, my god.
They're so beautiful.
Ohh, I missed you.
- Yeah, that's what I thought.
- My gosh, I've been thinking about you all night.
- Where do you want to go tonight? - Wherever you want to take me, papi.
- "wherever you want to take me, papi"? You hear that? - Shit.
Let's follow them.
- Tail them, tail them.
[siren.]
- Fancy running into you, ron.
You must be out shopping, Getting ready to celebrate new year's eve, I'll bet.
- I've been running around like crazy Buying champagne, caviar, and lots And lots of ammunition to shoot my guns in the air When that clock hits midnight.
- Sounds like fun.
But why don't you do like me and wayne And switch to police tek 2000 blanks instead of bullets? - Blanks, huh? Well, last year, one ofThe guys at my party did get killed.
Maybe you're right.
I think I will switch to police tek 2000.
New year's eve blanks.
- Happy new year, ron! [siren.]
- Easy, easy.
Stay back, stay back.
Stay back.
She's getting off.
- I'm so sore! Ohh! You wear me out.
- I'll bet you he does.
- Yeah, well - I love to ride with you, do you know that? - Look at them.
- Man, this will kill garcia.
- Let's just shoot him right now.
- No, no, no, no.
We can't shoot him right now.
We can't shoot him right here.
- What did she just get? - She's movin'.
- Move, son of a bitch.
- Let's go.
- You ready? - Hit it.
[siren.]
- There we go.
- All right.
- Yep.
- Pull into the alley.
Yeah, you on the bike.
I need you to make that turn into this alley, Then I need you to pull over.
How you doin' tonight, sir? - Ok.
- Where's the fire, casanova? - I don't do nothing-- I driving.
- Who's the girl?! The girl! - Maria! That's my girlfriend.
- Oh! - Your girlfriend?! - Yes! - Wrong! Maria's already got a man, bucko! - No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she do! And he is one of our very best friends! - Are you sure? - You got a driver's license? - Of course.
- Double time.
- I have license.
- Double time, julio iglesias! - Who said you could put your hands down? - Hands up! - Sorry.
- Huh.
- Legal, see? - Maybe you didn't hear me, but I asked, uh For your driver's license.
- Where's your driver's license? - Yeah, you have it.
- Oh! 2 points! Oh, my--why you hit my bike, man?! - Missin' your tail light back there.
- You stay away from maria! I don't want to see you in reno! I don't even want to see you in nevada, you hear me?! - Ok! - Huh?! - Yeah, yeah! I hear you - You hear now, don't ya?! - California's that way! - Get goin'! - Amigo! Go! - Get goin'! - Get goin'! - Á¡andele! Á¡andele! - Get goin'! Get goin'! [gunshot.]
- We're gonna fill your pendejo ass with lead! [laughter.]
- That was really good! Really good, guys.
Really good.
Some scary sons of bitches! - Good work, good work.
- Like, my adrenaline was all going and everything.
- That was good.
- It was great.
- Oh, wow.
Oh, man.
I feel good that we did that for garcia.
- I still missed.
- We'll never tell him.
Never tell garcia, ok? - No, no, it's better if he just doesn't know.
- Better if he doesn't know.
- Yeah, it'll break his heart.
- I feel wonderful.
- Good work.
Good work.
- We did a good thing for a change.
- That was so good.
- She is the best thing that ever happened to him, And she's still happenin'.
- Nice work, fellas.
I feel like, uh, I feel like mary poppins or somethin'.
- Oh, craig, These conjugal visits Are so wonderful.
- This hurt? - Yeah, a little bit.
Ow.
- You seem--you seem a little uptight today.
Are you nervous about something? - I just feel a little bit awkward with him here.
- Oh, no, don't worry about--no--this is carwash.
Everyone calls him carwash.
I'm not sure what his real name is, But, uh, he's totally cool with this.
- I understand.
- I mean, this - No, it's fine.
I mean, it's - Let me talk to him.
- O.
K.
- Listen, the old ball and chain here is-- She's a little uncomfortable with this.
Maybe if you just sort of, you know, Just look in that direction a little bit.
Just don't make it too obvious.
- Hey, I can hear you.
Well, just so you know, just to warn you in advance, I have a rash, so it's gonna look weird, But it's not anything to be alarmed about.
- All right? - I'm cool.
- Could you point that at us? - No, I'm not gonna do that.
That's, uh - Ok, just, ya know, checking to see if that was something.
- That's not professional.
- That's all.
Add a little spice to it.
- We can't hit you with this, right, 'cause that would be - Absolutely not.
- Ok, that's cool.
That's understandable.
[siren.]
[siren.]
- So try to print a little neater on the evidence bags, ok? It was 3 hours, 3 hours I spent trying to figure out What "public dander" would be.
"pubic dander" is what it was.
Write legibly on the envelopes.
- Pubic hair has dander? - It saves me a lot of time, ok? - No wonder my allergies are so bad.
- Hey, good morning.
You're late.
- What's the matter? - Oh, it's just been a long night.
Uh, the reason why I'm late, uhIs I have been up all night.
My sister maria, whom you all met yesterday, Is no longer going to be getting married.
Her fiance suddenly decided to leave town Without notice or a phone call.
He's gone.
She is completely devastated, as am I, And, listen, if it's ok, I would like to request a little time to go and spend with her.
I'm a little worried, 'cause she's--yeah.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- I'll call in.
- Don't worry about it.
- I kind of feel like this is a little bit our fault.
- No.
- Actually, I don't blame myself.
I blame you.
- You blame me? - Yeah.
mtv networks Stop jerking off in The back men's room.
They can hear you in The detective division upstairs.
Only if you do it loud.
- Loud.
- And angry.
- I'm sorry.
The people who heard and have a guess As to who it is Is the detective division.
Do they have hard evidence? I don't think so.
- No.
I think it's soft evidence.
- I think it's only about an inch Of evidence.
- Yeah.
It's uncircum-- Fuck it--stantial.
Never mind.
Stop jacking off in the men's room.
- It ain't me.