Run the Burbs (2022) s03e09 Episode Script

1
(CLEARING THROAT)
Camille? Kids?
(WHIMPERING)
(WHIMPERING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Me! Ba! How are you?
No! I'm fine! Just relax.
- ANDREW: Yeah!
- (DOOR CLOSING)
Hey, Mom. Sorry about that.
Wasn't expecting you over
today. But I'm glad you're here
because I wanted to show you this.
Wow.
They wrote an article
about me and my early-hours
nightclub initiative at work.
Con! I'm so proud of you.
- Look at my handsome boy.
- That's me.
No, Danh. Andrew is in magazine.
Wow, rock and roll.
I want to put this in my scrapbook.
You have a scrapbook?
Yes, for my children's success.
Now, you can finally be in it.
Ha! I can't wait to see
Carol's dumb doctor face
when she sees this.
Uh, what is all this?
We get grocery from "Fret Froot".
- Where?
- BOTH: "Fret Froot"!
Oh, Fresh Foods.
- Why?
- For Tết.
I thought we were going to
Carol's for Lunar New Year.
Change of plans. We do here now.
- Why not at your place?
- Your father tried to redo
the kitchen tiles himself.
YouTube make it look so easy.
Kitchen is a mess.
Okay, go get the rest. We
went to "Bacaparum", too.
"Bacaparum" "Baca"
Bulk Emporium. Got it.
I'll help Dad.
Maybe, maybe, baby ♪
I'm as real as can be ♪
Okay, so, the pool neighbours
are getting a divorce.
There's no kids involved,
but there is a bitter custody
battle over their rabbit
named, get this, Christine.
- Oh. Oh.
- Okay, what's wrong?
You love Hot Goss and
animals with human names.
Yeah, sorry. Um, something
just happened at work
and I can't really shake it.
Oh, what happened?
I held a baby.
You held a baby?
Yeah. And it was so small and warm,
and it smelled so good, like cookies.
Aww, you had the baby feeling.
What is happening? I don't want a baby.
I have a life. I don't
want to ruin that.
Okay, wow. "Ruin" seems
like a strong word.
But you know what?
I know someone that can
help you work through this.
So, Sebastian is scary
good at reading tarot cards.
He predicted new beginnings for me
when I started Cam Pham Eats,
and then again with good morning Gloria.
But those could all be coincidences.
I assure you I'm trained
in this art of insight.
Now, please, I need silence.
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
The cards are ready, but beware,
once revealed, there is no going back.
You understand?
Touch it.
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
Queen of cups.
Mother. Protector of family.
Whoa.
These cards can mean literally anything.
Ace of cups.
New beginnings and new
life into the world.
(GASPING)
- Stop.
- New life.
The empress.
This is the ultimate mothering card.
It represents fertility
in the most literal way.
Oh, my God, Sam.
My work here is done.
Remember, I am merely a
messenger of the future.
Now (SIGHING)
I must rest.
Am I gonna have a baby?
- Huh.
- No, of course not.
My life is already perfect as is.
I don't need a tiny snack
monster telling me what to do.
I don't know, Sam. Those cards
tell a very different story.
Those cards don't decide my future.
Camille, I need you to dissuade me.
Convince me, my mind, my body,
that I shouldn't have a baby.
- Okay, but I love babies.
- Damn it, Camille!
Give me all the bad
stuff about parenting;
help me squash these baby feelings.
Fine, but you asked for it.
(GASPING)
Okay, now, you have
to go home and change
and be late for work or
wear that to the office.
The realities of a working mother.
Mother something.
Looks like everything
healed up really nicely.
- You just have to make sure
- Dr. Pham!
You're needed for
emergency butt surgery!
Oh, my bad, sir. I'll leave.
That's my brother. It's fine.
We were just finishing up.
Make sure that you keep
up with physio, huh?
Thank you, Dr. Pham, and good
luck with the butt surgery.
(ANDREW SNICKERING)
What the hell is wrong with you?
Sorry, but check it out.
How amazing am I?
(SCOFFING) Bro, I literally
saved four lives this week.
Yeah, but, like, are you in a magazine?
Okay, why are you here?
Thought you'd be prepping for Tết.
Mom said you begged her to do it.
That did not happen.
I thought you were doing it this year.
Now, Mom's cooking at my house.
I was going to. Wait.
Why is she cooking?
BOTH: The Vietnamese wraparound.
Andrew, stop it. Come on.
ANDREW: You can read it later.
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- (ANDREW SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
(BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
Just just why? Why would I
Why would I start?
- CAROL: You are the golden child.
-
ANDREW: Yeah, Carol, say it already.
(SIGHING)
Why did you lie about Tết?
Lie about what?
You told Carol I wanted to host,
and now you're just doing it.
You're talking behind my back now.
No. Well, yes. Kind of.
What?
Why don't you want me to host?
Tết should be hosted by a family.
You have no kids.
Who says you have to
have kids to be a family?
- It's tradition.
- So what?
If I never have kids,
I'm never gonna host?
Okay, good. You understand.
(SIGHING)
Andrew? Andrew, help me out here.
Look at your brother.
He has a family and a good job, too.
Did you see his magazine?
(SCOFFING) You know what?
You can have Tết. I'm not coming.
Carol, don't go.
- Mẹ, seriously?
- Let her go.
Good for her to know now.
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- Dad, help me out here.
You're okay with this?
Con. Let people handle
their own problems.
That's what Vietnamese families do.
Yeah, and it's not good. I'm
losing track of which aunts,
uncles, and cousins
don't talk to each other.
We can't let that
happen to Mom and Carol.
It will be fine. Probably.
(SIGHING)
♪
Danh, it's your turn.
Go.
- Go.
- Bam!
We win again! You suck at this!
Rematch tomorrow at Tết.
- You sure?
- You're going to end up poor.
- Yeah, yeah.
- We're gonna get you back.
Oh, yeah!
What the hell?
How long have you been letting them win?
The whole time.
22 games I've lost because of you.
It's good to see them happy.
Their happiness is my wallet's sadness.
Do you know the three
keys to winning big two?
Build a big hand, twos are
wild, and assert your dominance.
Now, let's see your slap.
Half this game is confidence
or swagger, as the kids say.
All right, we've got
some work ahead of us,
but mark my words,
tomorrow night, we will win.
Don't stop, don't stop ♪
ANDREW: Mẹ?
- WOMAN: Oh, wow.
- (LINH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
You remember my old friends,
Bac Lang and Bac Huong.
Oh, yeah. Chao Bac Lang. Chao Bac Huong.
LINH: They stopped by for a visit,
and so I could show them this.
- Oh.
- BAC HUONG: Your mom's so proud.
Uh, Mom, can I talk to you
about Carol for a second?
Linh's so lucky. Two successful kids
A doctor, nightclub owner.
Oh, I'm not a nightclub owner.
That was more of a community project.
He's the boss. The whole idea was his.
My little golden child.
Golden child? Me?
Look at his family.
BAC HUONG: Wow.
Thank you. Only the perfect family
for the golden child, right?
BAC HUONG: Yeah.
(ALL LAUGHING)
This one, too. This one, too.
♪
- ANDREW: Morning.
- Morning.
Help me untangle these?
- (YAWNING)
- How'd you sleep?
You were tossing and turning all night.
I knew the bowling ball on a
mattress commercial was a lie.
What am I supposed to do?
I'm on Carol's side,
but I don't want to get
in the way of my mom,
and my dad's telling
me to stay out of it.
Well, if you're on Carol's
side, you should support her.
I'm the golden child now, Camille.
I've waited 39 years for this.
I can't go back to getting
Carol's hand-me-downs.
If I confront my mom, I risk everything.
But if I don't, they
may never talk again.
Ain't no beef like an Asian beef.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Okay, that's the third load done.
Sam, you're here early.
Yeah, Camille set my
alarm, put me to work.
Did you know that there's
a five in the A.M.?
With a newborn, you'd be
lucky to make it to five.
And the watermelon is?
It's a baby.
I gotta wear it 24/7,
so we can properly, um
Bond.
While still doing all
your regular life stuff,
plus more laundry than
you ever thought possible.
Going up and down those stairs,
that's like nature's stairmaster,
and I do not care that
much about my glutes.
They're already amazing.
Oh, ah, ah, ah. Wah! Wah! Wah!
Oh, no, you forgot baby's binky.
Gotta go downstairs and get it.
- I can't do it.
- Wah! Wah! Wah! Wah!
Um
Oh, Sam's got the urge to have babies,
so it's my job to dissuade her.
Oh. I'm surprised.
Sam has said she never wants kids.
Yeah, sometimes people
change their minds.
Yeah. Sometimes, they
do change their minds.
Yep.
Oh.
This is more tangled than before.
How did you manage to do that?
Hey, Carol, we really
need to talk about
- No.
- (CAROL GROWLING)
Sorry.
Deep breath in.
Sorry again.
CAROL: Get in here.
What do you want?
What? I can't come chill with my sister
and watch her do the medicine?
I am not talking about Mom.
Who's talking about Mom?
And since you brought
her up, I'm on your side.
You can do whatever you want.
Yes, I know, but thank you, Andrew.
Hey, remember when you wanted
to go to fashion school,
but then realized how good
you look in a lab coat?
Sure. That's super random.
Or how you didn't want to get
married, but then got married.
Okay, I see what's going on here.
Nothing's going on here. (CHUCKLING)
Hey, remember how Nicholas
cage used to give you
the heebie-jeebies,
but now, you love him?
Andrew, just stop! I'm not going
to change my mind about kids.
It's pretty gross of
you to try and make me.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry. I'm on your side.
But please, come to Tết.
It's your first one married to Nikhil.
We should all be together.
Okay. I'll think about it.
Thank you.
Hey, what was that guy's diagnosis, huh?
Is it some kind of fungus?
Do you know what kind of doctor I am?
- I have no idea.
- (SNAPPING)
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
Hey, does he have a rash
that looks like Taylor Swift?
- Out!
- Okay.
(PUMPING MACHINE WHIRRING)
Mm-hmm, yep.
Hey, can we do this in your room?
Nope. You are a working mom now.
Get used to pumping in
janitor's closets, stairways,
the Korean convenience
store across the street.
- (PUMPING MACHINE WHIRRING)
- What's that noise?
Whoa!
- Should I leave?
- Yes!
Ah! Wait! No!
This is totally natural.
People will walk in on
you. You can't stop pumping.
Deal with it.
Hey, Mom, have you seen
my Whoa. Are you okay?
- No!
- Yes. Like I said, no privacy.
KHIA: Yeah, what's going on?
Auntie Sam wants to know what
being a mother is really like.
Are you gonna have a baby?
Can I name it? How about
Leo? Cleo? Leon. Leona.
- Leonite.
- No way. How about Jenica?
It's Jennifer and Jessica together.
Welcome to motherhood,
where everyone has an
opinion about your business.
Oh, okay, and you're done.
You just have to pump
six more times here,
and then on the bus ride home.
I have to take the bus?
♪
(CHATTERING)
SAM: But when do they leave the house?
I mean, my kids are
still here, so um
Hey, what's wrong?
I don't think Carol
and Nikhil are coming.
Sucks. It's Tết. We
should all be together.
Andrew?
- (DOOR CLOSING)
- (ANDREW GASPING)
You're here!
It's a Tết miracle!
- Okay, take it easy.
- Good, you finally came.
(SIGHING) Patience, Carol, patience.
I'm going to try my best.
Things will be great.
I got you.
Dinner is almost ready.
Matchy-matchy? Are you serious?
It was a coincidence.
LINH: Well, I have something for you.
Whoa.
Look at my little golden child.
I'm so proud of you. So successful.
Damn, I look good.
Hey, and thank you to you
for working all day
on this amazing dinner.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
Just a simple dinner.
Hopefully, you like it.
ANDREW: Of course, we will.
No one will ever do Tết as good as you.
No. Wait, Carol.
Con, come help Mom
finish. I'm getting tired.
Carol, I'm sorry. I wasn't
saying anything about you.
I was just complimenting Mom.
I got your back.
And look, I feel you. This
golden child stuff is hard.
I've been golden child 24 hours
and it's exhausting, so I get it.
- You get it?
- Yeah.
You feel the pressure of being a woman
held to an impossible standard,
and if you're not everything,
you're suddenly just nothing?
(SOFTLY) No.
That's what I thought.
Mom puts pressure on me too.
Yeah, and I always defended you, Andrew,
but you're just as bad as Mom,
questioning if I made the right
choice when it comes to kids.
That's my decision.
Nikhil and I are on the
same page, and frankly,
it's none of your damn business.
You keep saying you have my back.
Doesn't feel that way.
Come on.
What are you doing?
What I should have done
from the beginning
Have your back.
Eww.
Dude, you need some lotion.
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
♪
Your turn, Ramesh.
(CLEARING THROAT)
- LEO: Done!
- KHIA: Me too!
We win!
(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY)
Happy Tết to me!
You let them win.
You were right.
Feels good to see them happy.
- Nice one, Nanaji.
- Thank you, Ong Noi. (CHUCKLING)
Hey guys, what are you playing?
- DANH: Big two?
- Sit.
- Sit.
- Come on.
It's a very fun and easy card game.
It'll only cost you $20 to start.
Well, I warn you, I
have a way with cards.
Is that poop?
Oh, yeah, it comes with parenting.
We left Leo near a Roomba.
He was so cute, all
naked and covered in poop.
Oh, my God, you have a folder of these.
How many times did this happen?
Oh, a lot. Yeah.
(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY)
ANDREW: Okay, don't
worry, I got your back.
No, I promise. You can do this. Mẹ
Good, we can eat now.
Everyone come, dinner is ready.
Mom, I should have
said something earlier,
but who cares if Carol
doesn't want to have kids?
It's her decision.
I support her on this
one, and you should too.
That's stupid. Just have babies.
You got married, now you have children.
That's how it works. Dinner is ready.
Why do you want me
to have kids so badly?
Who's going to take care
of you when you get older?
Who will pass on our culture?
I don't want you to miss out.
I'm not missing out.
I get to live the life that I want
because you gave me that opportunity,
and I still get to pass on our culture.
That's why I want to host Tết.
Mom
I'm never having kids,
and you don't have to like it,
but you do have to accept it.
(EXHALING SHARPLY)
Dinner is ready!
Ugh!
ANDREW: Uh-oh.
(POT CLANGING)
Dinner is ready, so get in there!
- Now!
- RAMESH: Okay
NIKHIL: Go, go, go, go, go.
CAROL: Quickly!
- No one likes cold rice.
- NIKHIL: Nope. Hi, honey.
(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
(CHATTERING)
GUESTS: Wow!
- DANH: Oh!
- SAM: So pretty!
- CAMILLE: Wow!
I owe your dad $400.
Mom love you. You know that, right?
CAROL: I do.
I love you, too, Mom.
Your golden child is
very proud of you, Mom.
Golden child is Carol
again. She's a doctor.
Seriously?
(ALL LAUGHING)
The cabbage slaw looks amazing.
LINH: Carol did a good job.
Next year, she will
cook everything else too.
Yeah, I bought that.
But next year,
we will host Tết at our house,
except one new tradition
Everyone's gonna help cook.
One person shouldn't do it all. Deal?
ALL: Deal.
Okay. Carol, get in here.
I'm so thankful to have
everyone here tonight
to celebrate Tết. We've
had a wonderful year.
To another prosperous one.
ALL: Chuc mung nam moi!
Hey!
What a beautiful family moment.
I-I-I think I might
wanna have a baby someday.
- CAMILLE: Oh, really?
- Yeah, I know it's hard,
like really hard, and
filled with bodily fluids,
but also, like, really somehow great.
And after everything
you did for me today,
I know you'd have my back.
- GUESTS: Aww.
- ANDREW: Aww, Sam
LINH: That's good, Sam.
Congratulations.
But not everyone should have babies.
- Okay, let's eat.
- Okay, let's eat!
- (UNCLEAR).
- Yep.
No, it's fine.
(CHATTERING)
ANDREW: Here we go, buddy. Here we go.
Go. Big money, baby!
Big money! Big money!
(CHATTERING)
(GROANING)
Two only. Two only.
(LAUGHING)
And now, we have the devil.
ANDREW: Sam, Sam, let me do it.
Okay. This is Lunar New Year.
All right.
Like this, but with a
Hi, Andrew!
It's me. It's me.
- Money!
- (CHEERING)
Okay, Khia
(LAUGHING, CHATTERING)
Got it. I got it.
- Happy Tết.
- DANH: Rock 'n' roll!
(LAUGHING, CHATTERING)
(WOMAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)