Sabrina The Teenage Witch s03e09 Episode Script

I just love that new Other Realm Grocery.
Yeah, if there are more than three people in line, they just clone the cashier.
What'd you bring us? Honey Frosted Fruity Cocoa Sugar Clumps, made with real candy.
But I asked for something sweet.
- And for you.
- Bubble gum? So this is all part of a nutritious breakfast.
SALEM: I don't believe it.
Send in just 500 box tops and get a genuine replica of the Epsilon III free.
Will anyone join me in saying, "Who cares?" The Epsilon III was the first spaceship ever used in an Other Realm Earth landing.
I must have that spaceship.
Well, it'll take 500 boxes, and you're a cat without a job.
Then I'd better start crunching.
I've never had Other Realm gum.
This grape is pretty good.
But it can be pretty loud.
- It also comes in berry.
- What? - It also comes in berry.
- What? - Teenagers today just don't listen.
- What? Let me get that spot.
Have you come up with suggestions on how to spend the money the alumni board donated? How about a candy machine in the cafeteria? - We already have one.
- Well, I'm good then.
I suggested a poetry bash.
We could have an after-school coffee shop where kids can read their poetry, and we could have famous poets come read their work.
Cool.
So they're not all dead? SALEM: If they can build a replica of the Epsilon III, you'd think they could make scissors a cat could use.
Salem, I need your help with a bow.
- Where did all this cereal come from? - The good things in nature? Okay, I kind of told the manufacturers I found a rat in one of their boxes, and they sent me ten free ones.
- What? Salem, no more lies.
- Yes'm.
Salem, these just came for you.
"Hope this fulfils your dying friend's last wish for cereal.
" Wasn't one of you coughing up blood and craving--? Oh, forget it.
Didn't we agree not to exchange gifts for Pearl Harbor Day? It's for Willard.
It's a leather detention-slip holder.
It's almost our two-month anniversary.
Wow, it's so great that you two have stayed together for two whole months.
I know.
You know, there's a sweet, kind, intellectual side to Willard that he almost never shows.
Yeah, usually he's just a big jackass.
You know, Sabrina, I've been working on a poem.
How sweet.
Can I hear it? Sure.
Ahem.
Two showers dripped in a yellow locker room, and sorry I could not bathe in style.
I looked at one as far as I could to where it disappeared in the mouldy tile.
So it's not a love poem? Okay.
Attention, everybody.
Ahem.
Your suggestions on how to spend the alumni money were surpassed in their dullness only by their lack of grammatical accuracy.
In fact, the only one that had any merit was the suggestion that we buy a new throne for the homecoming queen, submitted by the homecoming queen.
- Milady.
- Milord.
M'lunch.
KRAFT: Unfortunately, the other member of the committee liked "poetry bash," submitted by Sabrina Spellman, so there will be a brief campaign, and you students will vote.
- Great.
- How will you lose? Oh, let me count the ways.
SALEM: Hilda? - Yeah.
We're out of cereal.
I'm gonna need you to pose for the botulism picture.
- What you doing? - I'm trying to find a potion that will make Zelda realise how awful Willard really is.
Then she'll break up with him, and he can get back to the painful but necessary task of getting over me.
I know a little Other Realm candy shop that sells the best annoyance-amplifying sweets around.
That's perfect.
Zelda eats a chocolate, and all of Willard's already annoying qualities will be amplified.
- Where's the phone number? - It's yours.
I know a cat who needs cereal.
Yes.
I'd like to order a one-pound box of your annoyance-amplifier chocolates.
Yeah.
I'll take, uh, some, "His voice makes my skin crawl," and give me four of, "He dresses like a polka bandleader.
" Throw in a couple, "He smells like feet.
" You got that? Okay, and you do deliver, right? That long, huh? That was awkward.
We used to date.
"Throne.
" "Throne.
" "Throne.
" "Mr.
Kraft is a golf ball.
" That's "goof ball.
" KRAFT: "Throne.
" - "Throne.
" - So I guess your coalition of freaks and nerds never materialised.
QUICK: Well, don't you worry.
They will.
HARVEY: This is all my fault.
My poetry stunk.
- No, no, no.
- No, no, no.
No, this is all your fault.
You bought all those votes.
I bought them fair and square.
You know, why don't you surprise us all by changing, and doing something good and kind for once? Why mess with success? I think Zelda is meeting Willard this afternoon.
I have to get her to eat a couple of these before she sees him.
Yeah, yeah.
When it gets here, can I store my Epsilon III in the garage? Salem, something arrived for you from the Other Realm.
Once again, you owe me the tip money.
Finally, my ship has come in.
ZELDA: Well, I'm off to join Willard at the homecoming pep rally.
That reminds me.
He came by earlier to drop off your anniversary gift.
Oh, Willie.
Oh, he knows I love chocolates.
Oh, I can't wait to thank him.
No, don't.
I wasn't supposed to give it to you until the actual day of your anniversary.
I guess I should wait till our actual anniversary to eat them then.
No, don't.
Why deny yourself? Have some.
Take a few for the road.
Well, what's the harm? And I did miss lunch.
And nougat is an excellent source of potassium.
SALEM: This can't be it.
I can't pick up women in this.
- Who does Libby think she is? - Maybe it inflates.
Sabrina, flip that switch.
She only cares about one person: Libby.
- Flip it.
- I know Aunt Zelda says you shouldn't change a person, but I would pay money to change Libby.
In the name of all that is dear in this world, flip the switch.
Fine.
We're inside the ship.
We're inside the ship.
Get us out of the ship.
Get us out of the ship.
Where's the stupid hatch on this thing? We're shrinking.
We're shrinking.
[ENGINES WHIRRING.]
Liftoff.
We have liftoff.
[SCREAMS.]
Yee-haw! Rev it up.
Let's see what this baby can do.
Oh, I hate driving stick.
- Libby.
- Hi.
Sorry to just drop in like this, but Sabrina left school before they announced the winner of the campaign.
Oh, she won and you wanted to congratulate her? No, sadly.
She lost and I thought I should be the one to tell her.
How thoughtful.
I'll see if she's here.
Sabrina, your friend Leona Helmsley is here.
SABRINA: Oh! That was close.
If we survive this, someone's gotta tell her that she's got mustard on her cheek.
Excuse me.
I'm kind of in a rush here.
Mayday.
Mayday.
Nostril at 12:00.
It's flared! [SHRIEKS.]
HILDA: Libby, can I get you a Kleenex? Or a fire extinguisher? Can we go again, huh? Huh? - Can we, huh? - What happened? Well, we flew up Libby's nose, and apparently crashed in her brain.
Oh.
And I was afraid something unusual happened.
Let's go out and play.
Last one to the cerebellum eats grey matter.
Perfect.
Hm.
No Sabrina, and a bug flies up my nose.
As always, it's been a lovely afternoon at the Spellman house.
Next time call first.
Give us a chance to move.
Will you take a gander at these synapses? Hey, look.
There's Libby's eye.
It's the window to whatever she has instead of a soul.
Oh, no.
She's leaving.
We gotta get out of here.
- Hey.
- I just remembered.
Magic can't be transmitted by a witch - from inside a mortal brain.
- How do you know that? I saw a special about this on the Witches' Discovery Channel.
So witches get stuck in mortal brains a lot? Not as much as the witch media hypes it, but it does happen.
Oh, Mrs.
Quick.
Have you seen Willard? Oh, no, but just follow the sound of unwarranted hostility, and you're sure to find him.
Oh.
Zelda.
[SCREECHING.]
How wonderful to see you.
Are you ready for the rally? SALEM: I'm glad we arrived in Libby's brain early.
We got really good seats.
Look at this.
I found a radio in the spaceship.
Maybe we could call someone for help.
Do you think Mighty Mouse is free? Oh, what am I saying? It'll only do us some good if someone has the receiver.
The receiver's probably still in the box of cereal.
Help.
Somebody.
[OVER RADIO.]
Anybody.
Help.
Help.
- Hello? Hello? - Aunt Hilda? It's Sabrina.
Salem and I are in Libby's brain.
- I would have picked Aruba, but okay.
- No, we're trapped.
We were in Salem's toy spaceship and we flew up her nose.
If there had been boogers, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I can't use magic to penetrate a mortal's brain.
I just saw something about this on the Witches' Discovery Channel.
Wasn't that a good show? Now, aren't you glad we got cable? Yeah, but the Sci-fi Channel's a rip-off.
Hey, I'm in a brain here.
Aunt Hilda, what are we gonna do? - I suggest we send out for dim sum.
- Don't worry, Sabrina.
I'll get one of Zelda's books on the mortal brain.
Good thing we ordered that Time-Life series.
Don't go anywhere.
Where are we gonna go? A day trip through the gallbladder? Hi, honey.
I'd love to stay here with you, but I've gotta give my speech.
- Wish me luck.
ZELDA: Try not to throw up.
Try not to throw up.
Harvey.
If thee worships at mine feet, thine will buy thee a hoagie.
Have you seen Sabrina? [LIBBY SIGHS.]
I stopped by her house to console her after that horrible defeat.
She was wearing a housecoat and eating Cheez Doodles.
I had to look away.
- I don't even own a housecoat.
- We have Cheez Doodles? LIBBY: Is that new cologne? SABRINA: Hey, I am the only one allowed to smell Harvey.
My fault.
My after-shave gives my mom a headache too.
I got it free when I bought tires.
"trapped in belly button, bile duct" Here we go.
"Brain.
" Uh, breaker, breaker.
This is Kitchen Mama calling.
What do you want your handle to be? - Aunt Hilda.
- Okay.
Aunt Hilda, I found a way for you to get out, - and it's so easy.
- How? You just go out the same way you came in.
- You have to make Libby sneeze.
- How? I have no idea, but it's gotta be easier than the other option: kicking a hole through her temples.
Thanks.
Even though we're doomed, you've been a big help.
Well, I'll keep looking.
And speaking of looking, have you seen, uh, Zelda and Willard anywhere? Hello? Okay.
How can we make Libby sneeze? Pepper? I bet dim sum has pepper in it.
Let's think.
Okay, we're in her brain, and the brain controls everything a person does, so maybe if we just stimulate the right part of the brain tissue, we can make her sneeze.
Gross, gross, gross.
- Or kill her.
- Did we do anything to her? Everything seems A-okay.
[GROANING.]
[STUDENTS APPLAUDING.]
KRAFT: So as you can see, the alumni money was well spent.
And now, the girl who puts the cheer in leader, the pep in rally ZELDA: Lordy, love a duck, what's he wearing? your queen and mine, Libby Chessler.
[STUDENTS APPLAUDING.]
Why is he allowed to live? Oh, I'm not touching anything until I hear from Aunt Hilda.
Then you'll want to avoid [SABRINA GRUNTS.]
that veiny thing.
Help.
I'm blind.
What's the matter, Libby? You don't like your new throne? ZELDA: Dear Willard, I'm breaking up with you, because you dress like an imbecile.
No, too harsh.
Dear Willard, you repulse me.
Stick it back.
I'm trying.
Gross, gross, gross.
Thank you.
I'll never bear false witness against Fluffy again.
Oh, no.
Libby's dimming.
Miss Chessler, are you mocking the noble institution of homecoming? Sabrina, you might wanna try again with the slimy thing.
If we get out of this alive, you're never having cereal again.
Hey.
Miss Chessler.
Hey.
ZELDA: You go, girl.
Left.
Try left.
SALEM: Too far.
- Mayday.
Mayday, Kitchen Mama! - Okay.
I think I found something.
Hurry.
Libby won't stop slapping Mr.
Kraft.
- Really? - You moved it too far.
Now she's kissing him again.
Okay.
Here's what you have to do.
Find the main synapse.
It should be the large, dangling, dripping thing right over your head.
It's large, it's dangling.
- Yeah.
That's it.
HILDA: Okay.
Now run it through your own brain.
Then you will be able to control Libby's thoughts and actions.
- How's it working? - Salem? It looks like we might never leave here.
Libby is twitching like a Central Park squirrel.
You have to do it.
Ugh.
I'll wash, but I'll never be clean.
Did it work? - Did it work? - Did what work? My attempt to show how the world would be if there were no homecoming queens.
What, the whole world would start hitting me? Libby, they're waiting for your speech.
I think you've got to walk for the girl.
Reunited with my love.
How about a little kissy-poo? Get away from me.
Ugh! Okay.
Speech time.
Make it a good one.
I just realised something.
realised something.
I hope you've got somewhere to go from there.
I just realised that I can make Libby say anything I want.
I can make her admit that she bought the election and that we should be having a poetry bash instead of a new homecoming throne.
I can change her.
HILDA: Sabrina, did you make Libby sneeze yet? Sneeze, schmeeze.
I got more important things to do.
I wanna thank everyone who voted for me.
It's really an honour.
But the alumni money really should have gone to Do it.
Say it and let's go home.
What are you waiting for? I can't.
The change has to come from inside Libby.
- We are inside Libby.
- We won't be forever.
I'd just be manipulating her.
We can't change her for good unless she wants to change.
I know it's hard to do the right thing, Libby, but we're with you.
Libby, you were about to make a grand and generous gesture.
I don't think so.
Okay.
I know you're sad that you can't change Libby, but I have worse news.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Let's make the girl sneeze.
I have an idea.
I'm betting that this leads to the sinuses.
And I hope that leads to a point.
Well, if we can just put an irritant into the sinuses, maybe we can make Libby sneeze.
And since many people are allergic to No! As your queen, I promise to bebeautiful.
SALEM: No.
Gross, gross, gross.
- She's gonna blow.
- To the ship.
[SNEEZES.]
We're out.
We're in the gym.
[BOTH SCREAM.]
SALEM: There goes my knee.
If that's anything like a hairball, he should eat some grass.
- Bring it right up.
- Shh.
I think I swallowed my gum.
Was I chewing gum? Sabrina, where have you been? I heard you were boycotting.
No, I just had to bring my cat to Libby's brain.
I mean the vet.
Gotta go.
ZELDA: Go away, Willard.
KRAFT: But, Zelda.
Oh, this is sweet.
You are the most annoying man I have ever met in my entire life.
I never want to hear you, see you, or in any way sense you ever again.
KRAFT: Okay.
I am getting the feeling - that you are upset.
- Ugh! Look.
At least let me give you our anniversary present.
But you already gave me one, remember? The chocolates? You gave them to Hilda, and Hilda ga-- - Hilda gave them to me.
- Gotta go.
Be careful with that.
It was on sale.
Can't return it.
Why is everyone looking at me like I'm a weirdo? I'm telling you, the throne made me do those things.
It's evil.
And it's poorly upholstered.
Take it away.
Well, I guess this means you can have your poetry bash after all.
Libby's the same mean person, but things still worked out.
Well, this is great, because I wrote a new poem.
Oh, and I'd love to hear it.
[HARVEY CLEARS THROAT.]
Popcorn dance-- [ALARM RINGING.]
Single file.
Grab a buddy.
We've never had a fire drill after school.
where the women come and go, talking of early-bird specials at Coco's.
O Westbridge, you tempt me with your soft spring mornings, your grease-saturated clam cakes, your bread-crumb coatings.
Through love's torturous path I have wandered, only to find the happiness I have longed for.
I have laid bare my heart.
Hey.
I saw that.
Good arm, Miss Angelou.