Schitt's Creek (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

1 John, do you have the car keys? Do I have the car keys? No.
No.
But according to the sign-out sheet, I was the last person to use the car.
Well, that's not very helpful, John.
You're the only one using the sign-out sheet.
Well, that's not true.
Stevie's got her name on the sheet.
Wait a minute, why is Stevies name on the sheet? She's got her own car.
David! Do you know where the car keys are? Yeah, I have them.
Oh, well, then why isn't your name on the sign-out sheet.
Because you're the only one using that sign-out sheet.
David, I need the car keys, your father is driving me to Thornbridge.
I'm driving you to Thornbridge? To that municipalities conference.
Yes.
I thought Roland offered to drive you.
Oh, he did.
But no thanks.
I can't take four hours in the truck with Roland and Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Okay, Alexis and I need the car, we're running some errands for the store today.
Um, since when? Uh, since I need help for a pick-up.
And mom clearly already has a lift, and I'm pretty sure parents are supposed to put their children before themselves.
Oh really? No.
If airplane safety videos have taught me anything, David, it's that a mother puts her on own mask on first.
Ah, see, and that's precisely why we have the sign-out sheet.
For this kind of dispute.
Okay.
Fine.
Now my name is on the list.
And there's a sheep farm that's expecting us in 20 minutes for a pick-up of wool throws.
No, no, no.
No, no.
Your mother already expressed a verbal intention to use the car.
Okay, we're gonna have the car back in a few hours.
Okay.
Well, I might need it for a few hours after that though.
Fine, we'll just keep it for the day.
John! You people are abusing the system.
It's not a difficult system.
Moira, look at this.
Under purpose of trip he writes "driving.
" (Low hum of chatter) (Phone rings) Whoa, hold it right there.
I want to see the look on your face when you walk into your first regional association of municipalities conference.
And there it is.
Ah, name tags.
Let's get suited up.
Thank you but no, Roland.
I won't wear anything with an adhesive backing.
Ah-ha.
Oh, hey, Moira, look over there.
You see that guy over there? The well dressed one? That's Gavin Mccrae.
Mayor of Thornbridge.
Hm.
You mean the one serving drinks to the other people? Okay.
Maybe he's the other guy over there.
Also very well dressed.
Well, now you've identified the catering staff.
(Chuckles) Moira please, this is RAMC.
These are the people with their fingers on the button of everything from road salting to quarry inspection to - water tower repair.
- Hmm.
I mean, it's really kinda scary that we're all in here under one roof.
Oh, it's frightening.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna need you in there, by my side when we make this budget pitch.
You don't have to worry about me, Roland.
If there is anyone at this fabulous little confab who know how to work a room of fragile egos, it's me.
I once hosted the non-televised portion of the People Choice Awards.
This is a actually a great idea, David.
Consolidating all of your products under one label instills brand recognition and create synergy.
Um, I'm sure you're very excited about all the new words you're learning in your high school intro to business course, but I think a more effective use of your time right now, would be to go and get the hand cream that I asked you to get ten minutes ago.
I got the hand cream.
Yeah.
The box of hand cream.
I asked you to get the box of hand cream, not sample the hand cream.
That's like 53 pounds.
Why are you here? You know what I think would be really cute is if I had my own little label, like, under your label.
- Yeah - And I can sell festival wear, and I can sell like hair feathers and body jewelry David.
(Door opens) Wow, things are really coming together in here.
Oh, um, we're actually not open yet.
But that's so sweet.
Thank you.
We've been working very hard.
Well, I'm actually not here to shop.
I'm-I'm Patrick.
I'm just dropping off David's business license.
Oh, isn't that just the cutest thing.
Um, David's in the back.
But I am Alexis, And I'm currently studding business And I'm David's sister and life coach so.
Well, it's great to meet you, Alexis.
Uh, I'm sorry if my hands are too soft.
I've just been sampling a lot of product.
So really soft.
They are.
Reporter: Excuse me, Mrs.
Rose, if I may, just a couple of questions.
Were you surprised to secure such a big funding boost for the municipalities? That was quite the speech.
Oh Thank you.
Thank you.
(Laughs) What did I do? Well, I was simply channeled someone who cares, but if you insist on referring to me as the linchpin.
I'll take that.
That's right.
We're We're just a couple linchpins here.
I'm Roland Schitt, Moira's boss Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue here.
A total babe in the political woods.
That's true.
You know, this is her first RAMC.
But I think under my wing, she's-she's learning to fly.
- I've been mayor for ten years - Thank you.
And I did Okay, we'll talk when you have more time do There she is! The woman of the hour! Oh my God, now they're crowning me with titles.
Join us for drinks in the diamond club.
In the diamond club? Hm.
That sounds grand.
It's the hotel bar.
They have a special RAMC cocktail.
It's a sparkling white Russian.
The trick is to get it down before it curdles.
As appealing as you make that sounds, Roland, I think I'll just go to my room.
Oh, come on! Look, I never get this kind of I mean, our town doesn't get recognized like this very often and this time it's for something really positive.
Okay.
One drink.
This means a lot to you, doesn't it? Yes, and to you.
(Buzz of chatter getting louder) (Chanting) Moira! Moira! Moira! - Isn't it so soft? - It is.
Whoa, might be tying it a little too tight there.
Uh, that is actually cat hair.
There's a Himalayan breeder up the street that knits them for us.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm just dropping off your business license.
And activating my allergies.
Oh, In that case you should probably take that off.
- Yeah.
Like now! - Oh.
Oh! Isn't that the sweet thing, that he framed it.
Um.
It is very sweet.
Thank you, Patrick.
Actually, they they all come framed.
Okay, thank God.
Because I was just thinking that this frame is a little too corporate for my brand.
David, I was just about to sample the unisex Mennonite cologne on Patrick.
Um, that's not a sample.
And you've sampled half the store at this point.
So we need to sell all this stuff.
Okay, well I flattened out the lip balm.
So no one's gonna notice.
There's a lot of stuff in here, David.
You don't wanna spend too much money up front.
Yeah, that's not good, David.
You have to be prepared to survive a year without making any profit.
Actually, the textbooks now say eighteen months.
Well, what are the textbooks saying about curating a selection of products from local vendors and selling them on consignment in a one-stop-shop retail environment, that benefits the vendor and the customer? Well, I don't have my textbook on me.
I stand corrected.
Listen, if you need help, I-I'm happy to help.
Why? Alexis is here helping.
Well, no.
If Patrick has offered to move all the boxes, then I think we should let him.
Is that what I offered? Okay, well, thank you, Patrick.
You're welcome.
Um, Okay.
So you can start by moving all of those big things of hand cream.
(Footsteps creak lightly) (Mouths) What? (Crickets chirp) Moira: (Drunkenly) It's all so unbelievable, John! I had forgotten what it was like to be feted.
Moira? What?! I can, I can hardly hear you, John! The cheering and accolades are drowning out your gentle voice.
Oh, I take it things went well? I'm a game-changer, Jo Hey oh! Uh Oh, Gavin's brought out the hard stuff.
So darling, I must sign off.
All right, well, have fun, sweetheart, and don't get too carried away.
I'm networking, John! Do you know that I'm actually good at this! Who are you talking to? It's my husband! (All start booing) Was that for me? Why am I-why am I getting booed? - That's Wait! - That's my man, Johnny! Hey Johnny, it's Roland! Hey, we're all here at RAMC! You should be here, Mary-something is here Gavin is here The road salt guy Yeah.
Okay, Roland.
Good.
I'm having a bit of a night myself here.
Come on! Stop, I have to talk to my husband.
John.
John.
Moira, you know, it might be time for a coffee.
And I'm gonna let you go now.
And have fun, sweetheart.
We'll see you in the morning.
Goodbye, phone call! Goodbye, my darling.
All right.
Goodnight, sweetheart.
Oh, Moira, by the way, I just picked up the new (Phone hangs up) (Loud music and party chatter and laughter) (Dial tone) Okay.
(Hangs up) John, shut the blinds.
Johnny, please.
(Waking groans) - Moira? - Hm? - (Moira screams) Oh - Oh Roland! What are you doing in my room? What are you talking about? This is my room.
Well, what the (Bleep) are you doing in your room? Well, I was trying to sleep.
Until you started pounding on the door, telling me to whip up a salmon plate.
I finally let you in, you flaked out on the bed.
Oh my God.
Are you naked under there? Honey, what I do in the privacy of my sheets is my own business.
Oh, no.
No God, no.
Oh, God, no.
- No, dear God.
- Welcome to RAMC.
(Roland laughs) (Moira whimpers) Oh, my God No! (Bell jungles over door) (Music plays quietly, dishes clank) Jocelyn! Almost didn't recognize you over there.
Hey Johnny.
It's been a morning, but I don't have to tell you that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've had a tough morning? You're handling this way better than I am.
Handling what better? Roland and Moira, sleeping together.
(Laughs) What?! At the conference last night.
Yeah.
No, no! Let's just go back to that previous sentence.
Ah, when you say they slept together Well, Roland says that they just slept - in the same bed together.
- Ah-ha.
And he says that nothing happened, so I'm just trying to, you know, process all of this.
Oh yes.
Well Aren't we all.
I mean, I'm-I'm hearing about this for the first time.
Moira didn't tell you? You know, we chatted this morning about how successful the night was, but sleeping with your husband didn't really come up as one of the reasons the night was so successful.
And we probably shouldn't read anything into the fact that for some reason, Moira decided to hide this from you.
Oh, no, no.
I wouldn't say "hide.
" No, no.
Because Moira was so exhausted when she got in this morning.
Maybe she was exhausted because she was up all night - with her mitts all over - No! No.
No! No.
I know Moira and she would never in a million years ever sleep with Anyone.
Else.
It's just that I know what it's like to be in bed with a naked Roland Schitt, and I am powerless against that.
He was naked? He sleeps naked every night.
Do you wanna order some thing to put chocolate sauce on? No.
(Marker rasps) Um, David, I can swing by the store and help out after school, if you want.
I also may need more of that lip balm that I liked.
Okay.
Um, I think we've had enough of your help.
And unless you planning on purchasing that lip balm you're won't be getting the lip balm.
Okay.
It's called sweat equity, David.
I learned about this week.
And that's when you help someone out and then they give you lip balm or whatever else you might need in exchange for your time and energy.
I think you might actually need to break a sweat, in order to earn sweat equity.
Okay, what if I got Patrick to break a sweat for me.
That's called outsourcing, outsourcing Are you passing this economics course? Yes.
Yeah.
Yes, I'm pretty sure.
Okay.
Um, if you really want the lip balm that bad there are a few things around the store that I could use your help with.
Just an FYI, Patrick won't be there.
So there won't be anybody for you to flirtatiously boss around.
Okay, I hate to break this to you, David, but there will always be somebody for me to flirtatiously boss around.
So what was going on there? Oh, nothing.
He hasn't even asked for my phone number, which in my experience, means he's either newly married or he's gay.
Okay So like if you're sensing a vibe or something, maybe that means that his eye for somebody else He's a business major who wears straight leg, mid-range denim.
He's not into me.
Okay, well it's either that or he's really into your store, which no offense seems a lot less likely to me.
Okay.
I think you missed a spot on that page with the highlighter.
Where? (Beer pouring) (Door opens) Hello, Moira.
Hello there, love of my life! Funny thing.
I just ran into Jocelyn.
Oh.
How is Jocelyn? Oh, she was a little upset.
Apparently her husband, Roland, spent the night with you.
I know, wasn't that funny? Moira! When were you gonna tell me about this? Ah, we talked about it this morning, John! We laughed about it.
We didn't laugh about it.
Because we didn't talk about it.
I would have remembered if you had said something that funny.
It's inconsequential, John Just let it go.
I have.
May I ask what you are doing? Oh, I've decided to cut down on my drinking.
Unrelated, I assume? To what? To you sleeping with Roland last night.
Okay.
This joke has played itself out.
It was humorous this morning.
We didn't talk about it this morning! Obviously.
I didn't tell you anything because I was embarrassed.
I was riding high, John, apparently really high, After winning what some people called a landmark victory for this and many other towns.
Then I woke up in the last place I'd ever wanted to be.
Well, can't say I'm not glad to hear you say that.
Oh John, I owe an apology to you.
And to sober people everywhere.
Well, I knew it was nothing happened, Moira, it's Just I was getting a feeling you weren't taking this very seriously.
If I weren't, John, would I be pouring this out.
(Beer pouring) Moira, that's my beer! You don't even drink beer! It's symbolic, John.
(Door opens) (Traffic whirs) Oh-oh.
I take it you're here to tell me that my business license has been revoked.
No, no.
You're all good.
Okay.
Um My sister isn't, isn't here so I'm not here for your sister.
Okay.
You know I've been thinking about all this and these products that Alexis was showing me yesterday were actually really impressive, I mean the whole model is actually very sustainable Thank you.
But I think you're gonna need more start-up money.
Oh.
More start-up money.
- Hm.
- Um And where do you think I'll get that money? Well, when you're supporting local business, there are grants that you can apply for.
And I would be happy to assist you with those applications.
Well, that is very um very generous.
Well, I wouldn't be doing it for free.
See, if these grants came through, you'd have the money to start paying me.
Okay.
Um I really think you have something here, David.
You just, you just need some help.
You need a lot of help Okay.
Um Well, uh, then yes I am open to entertaining your investment offer.
Great.
And in the interest of us potentially working together I did want to come clean about something.
Okay.
I um I actually picked out that frame.
I see.
So thank you for making it very clear that I will be making the creative decisions for the store.
Um, and I guess you can handle all the business stuff.
I'm very comfortable with that.
Okay.
Um, and you do know that if the grant money doesn't come through, then I won't Oh, I'm gonna get the money.
Okay.
(Crickets chirp) (Knocking) - Hello, Johnny.
- Roland.
Johnny, me and six of my closest friends were hoping we could have a little chat.
Well, it's awfully late.
Johnny, I'm talking about the beer.
No, I know, I know, you're talking about the beer.
It's just that Moira's in the shower.
She's been showering most of the day, actually.
Good, because I think it's best that we talk man-to-man.
(Beer pops open) Ahh (Slurping) Jocelyn and I spoke, and she told me you're still pretty upset, huh? Look, if anyone was upset it was Jocelyn.
I was just upset because Jocelyn was upset.
All right, pal.
Well, I'm here to put your mind at ease, okay? I am 99.
999% sure that nothing happened between me and your wife.
I'm 100% sure and I wasn't even there! Well, I sure was.
(Laughing) All of me.
You know, I spent 35 minutes this morning inspecting every inch of my body for bite marks, back scratches, lipstick prints.
And I couldn't find anything.
Well, there was this one thing on the bottom of my foot, but I think that may have been there before.
I really don't know.
You know what, Roland, I think I'm gonna ask you to leave.
Because Moira's coming out soon and I really don't want to tempt fate twice.
I got it.
No, no.
I don't think you do got it.
And not to put too fine a point on it, Roland, but my wife would never go out for a burger when she has a strong penchant for steak.
- Good night, Roland.
- Breakfast tomorrow, right? - Good night, Roland.
- Okay.
Don't worry it's only me.
Ha ha, very droll, Mr.
Rose.
Thought I'd announce myself just in case you were expecting somebody else.
Is living with that blackout not punishment enough? (Chuckles) You know I meant to ask, Moira, what were the amenities like in that hotel room? High-pressured water, down pillows? I'll never know.
I had my one chance at a proletarian oasis and I squandered it, passed out Roland a bed.
You slept with Roland? No, she-she didn't.
She found herself in his bed.
- Mom slept with Roland? - Yes.
Apparently.
I will not be tried and condemned by the likes of you two.
- So what's gonna happen now? - Yeah.
Is there gonna be like a custody battle over us? David, stop.
We gonna have to like spend weekends over at Roland's now, or? Goodnight, Alexis.
Do we call him uncle Roland? All right, that is enough, David.
No.
I mean, I get it, Roland is the mayor, and it's very difficult to work with someone who you're attracted to.
Yeah.
Like you and Ted? No! I'm making fun of mom and dad right now, David.
And we're done.
Back to your room.
Um, I just want you to know that no matter what anyone says, you will always be our first dad.
- Good night.
- Okay.
I want to see how