Scrubs s03e09 Episode Script

Mornings in a hospital are filled with possibilities.
You could encounter a disease you've never seen before, make a life-saving diagnosis, or try out the best new nickname ever.
Good morning, Black Whale.
No.
- No to black, or no to whale? - Just no.
Hey, idiot.
I said idiot and you looked.
You did the "hey, idiot" thing to me, like, six months ago.
- Did you look then? - Yeah.
You know what? I think you're out of ways to bother me.
- No, you're wrong.
- Think of a way to annoy me right now.
That's what I thought.
Thanks for the SeaWorld tickets, Sean.
So you have family in town or something? - Hell, no, I'm going to sell these.
- OK.
Come here, Aquaman.
One more patient and then we're getting out of here.
Elliot and her marine biologist boyfriend at it again.
But you know what? It honestly doesn't bother me.
Sean's gonna let me swim with the dolphins.
That's great.
I hope they don't maul you.
Relax, Elliot.
Dolphins love people.
How'd you get that giant scar on your leg? Parachute pants.
It got caught in the zipper.
Right.
You're lying already? I love that.
- It wasn't a dolphin that bit me.
- What was it? - Black whale.
- You rang? I knew you'd end up liking it.
Mrs Cantwell, just a quick pelvic exam.
So throw your feet up in these stirrups here and scoot your tushie down.
Come on, Sean.
Let's go.
Shouldn't you at least buy her breakfast? You're not the first person to give a patient an orgasm during a pelvic exam.
No one cares.
I'm sure the two of you haven't stopped obsessing about it.
Woman, we're professionals.
Isn't that right, Dr Dorian? you don't look a day over 25.
Why, thank you, young lady.
- Dude.
- I'm sorry.
What's up? - What's happening with the other thing? - That's great.
I've never heard a woman make sounds like that.
I'm sure you haven't.
It's funny.
You've never really satisfied a woman.
You might wanna double-check with your mum.
Around here we all make fun of each other.
Except for Carla.
No one makes fun of Carla.
Got a gross of bedpans here.
And where should I pick up my medal? For what? For reading your chicken-scratch handwriting.
Who is with me? I run back and forth for 18 hours a day between patients who might die and who will die.
If I find time to write an order for bedpans, I write it fast.
So I don't feel like being judged by some guy in his 30s who still wears shorts to work.
Say the only three words I wanna hear coming out of your mouth.
Sign here, please.
- Thanks again for holding the door.
- I didn't know you were behind me.
I didn't hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.
- How are the new happy parents? - I'm living my dream.
Have a great day today.
Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me.
Come, Dixie.
So, you and Jordan, huh? You wanna talk about it? I do, but not here because I'll probably just cry, I'm crying, it's too late.
I swore I wouldn't do this.
Come on, Perry.
Get it together.
You stop it.
Come on, you idiot.
Hey, fellas.
What's the good word? Mr Randolph, your PSA number's gone up since your last blood test.
This could be from the prostatitis.
We won't know for sure until your biopsy results come back.
But I feel pretty certain that we're gonna find something.
For God's sake, Catherine, stop making a scene.
I'm sorry, Doctors, but she gets a little emotional.
- Are you two WASPs? - Episcopalian.
Why? You would veto the French Riviera for our honeymoon because of the nude beaches? The point of marriage is that I'm the only one who gets to see your candies.
I gotta go.
But meet me in the on-call room in an hour.
I have a very sexy surprise for you.
Hell, yeah.
- This guy's sick.
- Thanks.
- You're stupid.
- You're just embarrassing yourself.
- Pick someone else to annoy.
- I don't pick 'em.
They pick me.
Loose debris can get sucked up into the air-conditioning vents.
When that happens, I have to spend the day crawling around inside the wall.
And I don't like that.
There's not enough air.
I've hallucinated.
I spent a day inside that wall thinking I was a mermaid.
So you don't throw around loose trash and I won't have to waste a day granting the wishes of imaginary fishermen.
Dude, I'm not scared of you.
Life's too good.
I'm untouchable.
That's what I hoped you'd say.
Dr Murphy, how about you start us off by describing the medical condition of your patient Mr Aronson here? He's got hypertropic cardiomyopathy with severe secondary pulmonary hypertension.
Wrong.
He's dead.
Another one bites the dust, huh, sport? Next contestant.
Dr Reid.
Admitted with a COPD exacerbation.
He responded well to antibiotics but he did develop a rash on his private area.
- Sorry, on his what? - His peepers.
- Excuse me? - His schwing-schwong.
It's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam, but you are a doctor and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis" or "vagina" or "anal.
" - "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
- Tell that to my wife.
The biopsy's back and I'm afraid it's positive for prostate cancer.
Rats.
Excuse my language, dear.
I can see this conversation being riddled with that kind of talk.
Perhaps you should wait out in the hallway.
Sir, I know that it's cancer, but I'm not really worried.
Am I confusing cancer with some other disease? No, you're not.
Captain Bedside here is trying to say it hasn't spread to the lymph nodes, so it's still easily operable.
There's an opening in surgery.
I managed to jam you in.
This is happening fast.
You must have a lot of emotions swirling around.
But if you have any questions at all, I'm here.
What channel is that Queer Guy show on? - Tell him.
- Bravo, Tuesdays at ten, nine Central, eight Mountain.
- Message from Jordan.
- How's it going? - Just great.
- Hey, watch it.
We've known each other for over two years.
Let me in, OK? Help me help you.
Stop it.
Fine, Newbie.
Let me tell you a little story.
It starts every day at five, about the time you're setting your hair for work.
I am awakened by a sound.
Is that a cat being gutted by a fishing knife? No.
That's my son.
He's hungry and he's got a load in his pants so big that I'm considering hiring a stable boy.
I go ahead and dig in because I do love the lad and, gosh, you know me, I'm a giver.
And I'm off to the hospital where my cup runneth over with both quality colleagues, such as yourself, and a proverbial clown car full of sick people.
But my pay is about the same as guys who breaks rocks with other rocks and I only have to work so, so far, I'm a pretty happy camper.
Then I head back home, where I'm greeted by the faint musk of baby vomit in a house that used to smell like, well, nothing.
It used to smell like nothing at all.
All I wanna do before I restart this whole glorious cycle is lay on the couch and have a beer, watch some Sports Center, and if I'm not too sweaty, stick my hand right down my pants, but apparently that's not in Jordan's definition of "pulling your weight".
So, there you are, superstar.
Fix that.
That's easy.
Just tell her about it.
Tell her everything you feel.
Should I give her every reason to accept that I'm for real? No one understands relationships like Billy Joel.
Uptown Girl got me through high school.
You don't wanna end up like the Randolphs back there, not saying a word to each other, do you? You wish we were more like the Randolphs, don't you? God save me, I do.
I really do.
Come here.
So, here's your surprise.
We'll be getting married in six months and I just thought it would be so hot if we didn't have sex again until our wedding night.
Can you imagine how great that night will be? So great.
How about this, though? How about you stop having sex but I keep having sex? - You mean like an affair? - No.
I'll have sex with you when you're sleeping.
Turk, how can you not think this idea is so romantic? Maybe you got me confused with that little Amish boy you used to date.
Damn.
Untouchable, eh? Dr Kelso, none of my patients have died today.
Really? Mr Ferguson's corpse begs to differ.
Darn it.
And, Dr Reid, your patient, Mrs Burke, has developed a urinary infection.
Apparently it hurts when she makes whizzy winkles through her sea biscuit.
It's not my fault dirty stuff makes me uncomfortable.
Whose fault is it? But more important than never letting yourself get fat is never let a man put his dirty how-do-you-do into your bajingo.
Jorge, I need to see you in the potting shed.
She was always yelling at Jorge in that potting shed.
But she never fired him, even after he kidnapped her and took her to Acapulco.
How am I supposed to reverse 26 years of uptight repression? This is a job for Miss Busybody Smarty-pants.
I know what you have to do.
I'm gonna help you through this.
- Dude, I'm dying here.
- It's 18 hours since you had sex.
- I'm saying, this is torture.
- Why don't you take care of yourself? - Man, you know I don't do that.
- You don't? - I only did that like twice in my life.
- Same here.
If by "in my life" you mean "since I got home".
I gotta go to sleep.
I'm tired.
My little newbie dooby-doo.
That whole "telling Jordan how I feel" thing just went terrific.
Thank you.
I need a place to crash.
Where's Naomi's bedroom? Goodnight, roomies.
We gotta get that lock fixed.
The only lock I gotta get fixed is the one to Carla's panties.
I need to get a key.
I need to call a locksmith.
I thought I was the locksmith.
Then she cut me off, man.
Just like that.
Prison lock-down.
No one gets in or out.
Man, that's tough.
If you're not using my bed, can I use it? You may not, on account of this whole situation being your fault.
You told her that spending the day with a baby isn't really a job.
You told me to tell her how I feel.
I did just that.
You'll remain on the floor until you come up with a new plan for me.
You know Dr Cox, I know this is tough on you, what with you being psychotic and all.
But I'm out, OK? It's 3am, and there's nothing in the world that's gonna keep me from going to sleep right now.
You changed your mind about surgery? Catherine downloaded some information on diet, exercise, seed implants.
Those are, at best, a stall.
I know there's trepidation when you talk about surgery near the penis.
Quick pause on the gutter talk.
Catherine, hallway.
Look, I Go.
There are possible side effects, but the incontinence goes away.
Sexual dysfunction can be treated with anything from Viagra to a penis pump.
Penis pump? That sounds awkward.
It doesn't have to be.
It's a giraffe.
End of discussion.
I'm not having the surgery.
I don't mind that they've shaved me already.
Proportionately everything seems much grander.
You just have to ease into it.
Let's forget about patients for now and start with this.
Oh, my God.
She's got a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo.
- Is it sad? - Her vagina.
She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.
This just isn't fair.
Not fair at all.
It's ridiculous.
- This is stupid.
- I'm just trying to help.
You know what? I don't remember asking for your help.
It does look a little sad.
They always do.
We don't have to take our clothes off To have a good time This is a hospital.
Why are you playing that song? We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off, the classic anthem to platonic love? No reason.
Whatever you're doing, it's not working.
Of course not.
Not with you.
You're, what'd you say? Untouchable.
Well, anyway, back to work.
New friend.
Mr Greenburg needs Why, does he have a spinkle in his gherkin? You're right.
That stuff makes me uncomfortable.
That would have sent me into a shame spiral, but now I'm just gonna get over it at my own pace.
What does bother me is that no one is ever allowed to make fun of you.
- People can make fun of me.
- What about that delivery guy? You practically tore him a new bingle-bore.
But he's not my friend.
My friends can make fun of me.
Really? You're a know-it-all smarty-pants and if you're not telling someone what to do, you're not talking.
I guess I can be a little bossy.
A little? Girl, please.
If you met Jesus, you'd be trying to tell him where to park his donkey.
Are we allowed to do this? What about that whole hands on the hips, Carla from the block thing she does when she's mad? "Bambi, you do not wanna mess with me right now.
" - You do sound like that.
- Careful.
We are not that close.
Careful.
You better be careful, cos I'm Carla.
Mr Randolph.
What's he doing here? I don't like these people.
Surgeons, not African-Americans.
- We're actually saying "black" now.
- I was right, Catherine.
I brought Dr Turk to help you get over your fear of surgery.
I'm not scared.
- Then what is it? - I don't know if you've noticed.
Catherine and I don't always communicate well.
- No.
- Come on.
You're joshing.
It's true.
But when I lay that beautiful woman down onto our bed to make love Oh, God.
the walls come tumbling down.
It's the one place that I can tell her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how I would be lost without her.
I know I will probably have to have this surgery eventually, but until then I am not going to risk losing the one thing that keeps me close to her.
Not until I absolutely have to.
Yes, dear, you can come in.
Maybe the dirty little secret about sex is that it isn't so dirty after all.
Could you try to be a tiny bit mature? This is me mature.
- Excuse me.
- What? OK, so there's that.
I realised I let you down before.
I was thinking I could make it up to you by maybe babysitting sometime.
The weird thing is, even though it's natural, sex can make us uncomfortable.
You have a penis and I have a vagina.
That is so hot.
But if we work at it, we can get beyond that discomfort and realise that sex can actually be a comfort.
Hey, baby.
A patient made me understand what romance really means.
So as far as this no-sex thing goes, I'm with you 100%.
Everyone I know just spent the last two hours listing my faults.
I wanna have sex, now.
I'll get the condoms.
Sorry.
Sex can even be a cure.
Wait a minute.
Why were you so angry at me? I don't even remember.
How do I know all this? Because no one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having it.
Hello, Cinemax.