Speechless (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Ah, family meeting, is it? Something about a chore wheel? I assume Ray has provided some visual aids, so I prepared some comedy to undercut him.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
- [PAPER RUSTLES.]
"Chore wheel? More like snore wheel.
" [LAUGHS.]
Wait.
Why is no one piling on Ray? And what's Kenneth doing here? He's here to block the door.
You said you valued my input.
This isn't a family meeting.
This is an intervention.
Maya, you are not going to college with JJ.
Wha Wh [CHUCKLES.]
Bollocks! USC Film School called.
What? They want their hairstyle back? This is no time for that joke construction.
They called to set an interview with applicant JJ DiMeo, and then they called back to set an interview with applicant Maya DiMeo.
I pressed them for details.
They said your submission film was "weird.
" It's called "avant garde.
" And, anyway, you don't know that JJ doesn't want me to follow him You just don't want me challenging you as a filmmaker.
Okay, fine! I'm gonna have a lot more time on my hands.
I need to find something that will fulfill me or something that has the flexibility so I can be here for my family.
You will find something.
It just won't be following JJ to college.
Okay, then.
Good.
Now that that's been taken care of, I would like to discuss this chore wheel I've made.
So, Dad, you're on dishes! You haven't been preparing for your next chapter? Think of what you do with JJ.
You're a machine.
So what you're saying is, I've been getting experience.
Yes.
Now find that thing that's worth doing all the way.
So, what you're saying is combine my expertise with my passion.
Problem solved.
So what you're saying is We're saying your turn is over! I'm sorry.
What is this? Have I been dominating the conversation? - Kind of.
- For how long? - About six months.
- Oh.
Does anyone else have anything to share in the, uh, last, uh, 20 seconds? Uh, I'll go.
Um, first of all, thank you so much for welcoming me to the group.
My husband just left me.
So I'll see you next time.
- Oh, my - Why didn't you say something? Oh, well, I didn't want to interrupt your thing about JJ going to college.
[QUIETLY.]
Yeah, a year from now.
Oh, I have been selfish, haven't I? Yeah, um It's time for me to give back, okay? I'm gonna be with you, Melanie, through this.
Okay, thank you.
You can all go.
At least she had snacks this time.
Yeah.
Thanks, Nathalie.
[INDISTINCT TALKING.]
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Well, I must say, you're holding it together very well.
I saw my doctor about that.
She said my body just needs time to generate more tears, so - Okay.
- [GULPS.]
[CRYING.]
Oh, God! John! Oh, good.
There they are.
Oh, John, I love you! [SOBBING.]
[THUMP, WHIRRING.]
Ah! Flat tire.
That'll teach me to go over potholes just for fun.
This is good.
I remember when my old man taught me how to change a tire.
[CHUCKLES.]
Your grandpa used to call a lug wrench a "Jimmy wrench.
" I-It came from a place of love.
He also used to call dumbbells "Jimmy bells.
" Yeah, I think I might hate him.
Eh.
But he was so happy to teach me a skill that I would use for the rest of my life.
[SIGHS.]
Now it's my turn to pass on to you a skill that you clearly already have.
How about you give me a water, Pop? Somehow, this is my dad's fault.
Oh, I hate John and that girl he ran off with.
I mean, she's a child.
He's got wine older than her.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
Oh, God.
He's got such good wine.
- I love him.
- Quite a roller coaster.
You know, should we Let's not focus on the pain.
L-Let's talk about how to move forward.
Oh, I know what I want to do.
[MUTTERS IN GERMAN.]
[WHIMPERS.]
[SIGHS.]
You know I'm gonna ask you again.
Please no German.
It scares the dog.
Excuse me one second.
Oh, thank God.
So bleak in there.
Am I failing as a father? What? No! Well, which child? I keep missing these classic father/son milestones.
It got me thinking What if we spent so much time focusing on JJ that we left Ray behind? I mean, he's gonna be out the door pretty soon, too.
I just hope my window hasn't closed.
Oh, I'm sure the window's still open.
DiMeo windows usually are.
That's why we have bats in the summer.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Hold on.
Hola.
Oh, hi, Joyce.
I'll get JJ.
I'll be right back.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I'm on with John! I told him that I'll get new boobs! What do I say now? - Hi.
- Hey, Joyce.
Can I ask you a question about your dad? Did he come here?! What did he say?! He is a liar! You know what? We're good.
- Oh.
All right.
- Yeah.
Great.
JJ, can Is something going on between you two? Coach suspended me from track, so JJ's giving me a "staring-to.
" It's like a normal talking-to, except I have to guess what he's saying so I can't zone out and play "Fortnite" in my head.
"She yelled at all her teammates.
" Dylan! That is such poor sportsmanship.
You can't d Is she playing "Fortnite"? Darling, you're not ready for P.
T.
, and it takes 10 minutes to get you out of those jeans.
"The price of looking fly.
" - [GROANS.]
- [DRAWER OPENS.]
Okay, here's what you do.
Step one, build up an immunity to laxatives.
Most men are suspicious.
They're gonna make you eat the cake, too.
Oh, no, no! Separate! You're a bad influence.
Come on.
You made us cupcakes once.
I don't think so.
Now, Melanie, listen.
You don't need to exact revenge.
Everything you're feeling is valid, so my advice to you is just feel.
Just feel? Actually, that helps.
Oh, good! I helped! Was I ever really selfish? Or did they just make me think that I was? Someone called you selfish, huh? Here's what you do.
Build up an immunity to laxatives ALL: Kumbaya, my Lord Kumbaya Good.
What is this? You said there was a dog playing basketball in here.
Hey! There's my new prospect.
"Kenneth is going to teach you about teamwork.
" What?! "You're joining his team while you're suspended from track.
" This was a trap? How dare you lie to me about a real-life "Air Bud" situation! What's the matter? Afraid of a game that involves more than just running? [SCOFFS.]
[SIGHS.]
Does that answer your question? You realize that didn't go in.
Really? Then why didn't any of you mock me? Because you tried your best.
This chick serious? That's how we do things here.
I'm coaching this team like I coach JJ.
It's about trying and growing, not all about winning.
Winning's everything.
And with me here, you're gonna win.
Dylan, we've got a tournament tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yeah, I can be good by then.
Come here, son.
I want to show you something.
Are we flushing nails again? That can't be good for the environment.
Nope.
Your old man is gonna teach you how to put up a shelf.
Sticking out there? Won't you hit your head on it all the time? Ray, when you install a shelf yourself, you always know where it is.
Uh Mm.
You're going in at kind of an angle.
Uh, here.
Let me show you a trick.
So, if you place a CD where you want to drill, you can use the reflection of the drill to ensure it's level.
Let me see that.
Hey.
Nice job, champ.
Who taught you this? Well, when I was becoming a man, there were certain things I wanted to learn, so I turned to the wisdom of instructional videos on YouTube.
Remember, with great power tools comes great responsi-drill-ity.
Oh, that's very funny.
- I'm your dad.
- [VIDEO TURNS OFF.]
I should be teaching you stuff like this.
And I'm gonna.
[SIGHS.]
Can you throw a spiral? Thanks to YouTube, I can.
- Can you bait a hook? - Live bait or fly? I don't know, man! Fishing! - [GROANS.]
- [DRILL CLATTERS.]
Hey, do I know how to do anything? If I don't teach Ray something soon, he's gonna change his last name to "Tube.
" - [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
Oh, it's Melanie calling.
You're being silly, Jimmy.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
- Maya Tube.
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Can you hear me, John? It's your wife.
Your wife Melanie! You called Maya.
Where are you? I'm at a strip club, John.
Are you jealous? Good! I hate you! Wait, why are you there? And what am I in your phone as? [CRYING.]
I love you, John! Remember Sonoma? I'm coming to get you.
[GROANS.]
Ah, but the good news is, - you got into Emerson.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
All right, we've got our work cut out for us today, girls.
Number 24 is the best in the league.
I'm on 24.
Dylan, she's 6 feet tall.
Save the analytics, Poindexter.
I've got a plan.
Now, let me get out there.
This cup is killing me.
- Break! Do it! - Whoo-hoo! - [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Let's go, guys! ANNOUNCER: Please welcome to the stage Bruce! Yeah, Bruce! Whoo! Melanie! Hey.
Hey! What are you doing here? I left you in a good place, and this is a bad place.
I don't care.
We're having fun.
Who's "we"? Oh, hey, Mrs.
D.
God.
What are you doing here?! She called me.
Okay, fine.
I was already here.
What are you, the stripper police? [SCOFFS.]
Hey, look whose ACL is better! - [BUZZER.]
- KENNETH: Girls, you look great, and, Dylan, I don't know what you're doing on D, but it It is working.
She's scaring them with trash talk.
I don't think there's trash talk that good, Sasha.
No, the team narc is right.
I got dirt on them and used it against them.
You want some on the coach? She just put her mom in a cheap nursing home.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- All right, girls, uh get back out there, huh? [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY.]
You bench.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Dylan, let me tell you a little something about sportsmanship.
You can't just go out there - and talk about - [BACKBOARD THUMPS, BUZZER.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- We won.
You're welcome.
- [BAND PLAYS.]
- Wait.
Really? What?! We won?! Oh, I can't believe it! This team hasn't won in years! I gave up looking at scoreboards! We won! [LAUGHS.]
Yes! Ray, YouTube cannot have taken all of my father/son milestones.
Put down the books.
It's time to learn.
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon Can I show you something? When you comin' home, Dad? I don't know when But we'll get together then You know we'll have a good time then My son turned 10 just the other day He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on, let's play "Can you teach me to throw?" I said That's just the closest shave I've ever had.
Damn it! - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- Ow! [MOANS.]
What kind of fool puts a shelf there?! [CHEERING.]
I just want to hurt him.
Oh, I'm a physical therapist.
What do you have in mind? Do you like a stabbing pain or a constant, dull ache? Oh, what about a weird tingle? The tingle thing.
Would you stop encouraging her? I'm trying to defuse the situation.
And I got my own life to get back to.
Oh, right the whole "Maya's Next Chapter" thing.
Look, I promised I'd take care of her, but I got to figure my own life out, and that's not gonna happen here.
Ladies, please welcome to the stage - [SIGHS.]
- Hot-Hot-Javier! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Oh, I love him.
Whoo! [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS.]
First off, the gloves off Coin toss is next, mama [ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS.]
Oh my God.
- [DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES.]
- Whoo! So easily removable and so stylish.
Accessibility without compromise.
I want to mess John up.
Are physical therapists able to prescribe drugs? Well, the laws are very unclear on that.
I think I found my calling An adaptive clothing line.
Hey, can you take me to the VIP room and bring more clothes? - More clothes? - JJ? I think I know what I want to do with my life.
Meet Mommy at the strip club by the airport.
[MARCHING BAND PLAYS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
- [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
- Hey, you know what they say Third stepdad's the charm.
[CHEERING.]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! [LAUGHING.]
Yeah! Your boyfriend just went on Haunted Mansion with a girl from Virginia he just met.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
KENNETH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Kinda weird your mom only dedicated her cookbook to your brother.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[KENNETH LAUGHS, CHEERS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Whoo! Oh! Yeah! [CHEERING, DANCE MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE.]
What do you think? "I think you should have said male strip club.
" Well, you agree to meet your mum at a strip club, you take your chances.
These hidden magnets They're amazing.
Game changer.
There is no limit to how fly you can look, darling.
So, it's a business where you make clothing - for people with disabilities? - Yeah.
Will you sell online? Open a store? And what makes it proprietary? What is this, "Shark Tank"? [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- [SIGHS.]
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
Melanie, I'll be right out.
We left! I'm at my husband's place.
I snuck in, he came home, and I'm hiding in the bathroom with Joyce.
You have to save me.
Are you taking a shower? JOYCE: My apartment only has a tub.
Oh, wait! I don't have to lay down! Whoo! Okay, don't move.
I'll be right there.
Okay, we got to go.
Uh, real quick, before you do Could you help me put on this full tuxedo? [MAGNETS CLICKING.]
Okay, how? Why didn't I think of grilling before? Thanks so much, Dad.
I never would have learned this without you.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nope.
Ah.
See? That's why you only flip it once.
See those grill marks? [SIGHS.]
A steak for my son.
Mmm! Wow! Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
Who knew we had such awesome tools? "Grill Master Ray"? That's weird.
So, I'm guessing I got this all wrong? [SIGHS.]
Always season at least 40 minutes before cooking, and on a grill, you flip every 30 seconds so you don't lose the juices.
You already murdered the cow.
Don't murder the flavor.
Well, I guess that's it.
You win, Internet.
Sorry, Dad.
I'm a very curious boy.
That's fine really.
I'm sorry I tried to force [VOICE BREAKING.]
all these father/son moments.
I'm just glad you You found a way to get what you need.
[PATS.]
Dad, wait.
Why don't we look up a video on how to clean the grill? "How to be a better dad"? Okay, girls, we want to force them to pass the ball to Audrey.
Her dad was involved in a mysterious boating accident with a rich uncle.
Dylan, get in there and tell her you know all about it and get that ball! - Whoo! - Let's go, guys! Okay, JJ, I don't know what you think you heard "Make Audrey Cry" on "3"! 1, 2, 3.
ALL: Make Audrey cry! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
It got away from me.
Hey, Dad.
I was, uh, hoping after SAT prep maybe you could show me how to tie a McBjornson Knot.
Ask your father.
- No.
Teach me.
- [REMOTE CLICKING.]
Unless you don't know how.
Wh No.
I know how.
- I'm I'm a - [TELEVISION TURNS OFF.]
[SCOFFS.]
huge knot guy.
All right.
I'll see you when you get back.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Only one video? Popular knot.
Not! [SIGHS.]
- Ray? - Hi, Dad.
Surprise! It's not an instructional video.
It's It's a video from me to my dad.
A guy who cared enough to look up a video for this clearly made-up thing.
McBjornson Knot? That's real.
[SCOFFS.]
Not! [VOICE BREAKING.]
My boy.
I'm a lucky kid to call you my dad.
I know that even if you don't.
You've taught me what matters.
I hope to be the type of man you are one day.
You might have missed some of the little things.
You get the big ones right.
Always.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
Now, if you're watching this and you aren't Jimmy DiMeo and you happen to be a very hot girl hi, there.
I'm Ray.
I do impressions.
You're right You took me to Kenneth to learn a lesson about sportsmanship, but instead of learning, I brought the whole team down with me.
[SNICKERS.]
You got all that from a look? I should have known better.
She's a child.
I should have raised her to my level instead of sinking to hers.
Wait.
If you can do all this, then why are we bothering with the damn board? I did let myself down.
I let down the whole town.
Team! Team.
So specific.
Yeah, we should go out there and play the right way.
But I still want to win.
Yes.
He's right.
If we change the definition of "winning" to mean "working as a team," it will still be winning.
Okay.
Let's do it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wha Lose the suit? [CHUCKLES.]
I look great.
You're right.
I do look like Grimace.
Okay, when the coast is clear, make a run for it out the back.
- Okay.
Ready.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hello, darling.
I'm here for our affair Oh, I see you're busy.
- Who are you? - I'm John's lover, May May Mayo.
Like mayonnaise? Oh, like I've never heard that before.
I-I have never met this woman.
Do you believe him, or does he have a reputation - for stretching the truth? - [QUIETLY.]
Okay, go.
Todra, I swear, I-I've never cheated in my life.
Yes, you have! - I'm sleeping with him, too.
- Uh Mm.
What is your ex-wife doing here with the woman that rear-ended me? Oh, that's where I know you from! So, uh saw your video.
The "You're a good dad" one, right? Because I have a whole other series where I do celebrity impressions.
I saw those, too.
Your James Gandolfini gave me chills! [AS TONY SOPRANO.]
Hey, it's Mafia time over here! Yeah.
But, yeah, the "dad" one.
Thank you, Ray.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Dad, you just missed our turn.
Mm.
We're not going home.
No, I figured out a father/son milestone that the Internet has not beaten me to.
A '92 Merlot or an '03 Cabernet? Oh, Merlot me.
Oh, your husband has very good taste in wine, doesn't he? [CLANG.]
I'm gonna be all alone.
My son's about to go off to college, and my daughter's not far behind.
Well, I'm in the same place.
I mean, minus the cheating husband.
Jimmy knows I'd kill him slowly.
That's why I'm starting an adaptive clothing line.
- I love that.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I don't know what's "proprietary" about it.
Thanks, Hot-Hot-Javier.
Well, I actually studied business.
Did you? Where? 'Cause I'm getting into a lot of colleges.
Okay, well, not to go all B-school on you, but ideas aren't really proprietary.
I mean, there might be other companies for making adaptive clothing lines, but I bet very few of them are run by an actual special-needs mom.
That sets your brand apart.
I mean, what makes it proprietary is you.
- Or us.
- What? We both need something for our future, and I hatched the idea, but I know nothing about business.
- You're serious? - Yeah.
Special-needs moms help each other out.
Why not make a buck while we're doing it? Okay.
I'm in.
Okay.
Great.
This calls for champagne.
Yes.
[BOTTLES CLINK.]
[CLANG.]
You know what? I'm in, too.
Wow! Just Just deduct that from my share.
Thank you.
So, it turns out that in Wyoming, if you are accompanied by a parent, it is legal for you to have a beer.
You're not the only one who can learn stuff from the Internet.
So you used travel vouchers from your work just to fly here and give me my first beer? And elk nachos.
Yuck.
[SIGHS.]
I was so focused on the father/son moments I missed here's to the ones to come, son.
[GLASSES CLINK.]
Ooh.
Ooh, that's good stuff.
Chocolate milk for my boy.
I love you, Daddy.
I am wasted.
No, you're not.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey! That's okay! That was the wrong basket anyway! [GRUNTS.]
Way to pop it, Sasha! Ow! - [BUZZER.]
- We lost! Yeah! [CHEERING.]
Yes! You did it! [CHEERING.]
Do you know what's going on? I was drinking with Ray in Wyoming.
I was in a strip club by the airport with JJ.