Strangers with Candy (1999) s03e09 Episode Script

1
Pol Pot
Benevolent leader of
the Cambodian people
Or was he?
There's some who say that
"Pol Pot was nothing
but a bully-
a mindless killing machine."
But that begs the question:
Is the bully at fault,
or the people who allow
themselves to be bullied?
Now, case in point:
Charles Manson.
Eccentric folk singer
from the '60s
Or was he?
My take on Manson's
a little darker.
Who are you,
and why are you
interrupting my class?
I'm Edie Harley.
I'm a transfer student.
Why don't you have a seat,
preferably somewhere
in the back.
Now, for some reason
Manson has always gotten a
free ride from the press
[KNOCK, KNOCK]
But this my seat.
Not anymore.
Ho-de-do, there, missy.
You're new here,
so lemme lay it down for ya'.
I run a pretty tight
ship around here,
that's why the students
call me "The Hammer".
Ha, ha. We don't
call you that.
Shut up.
Now, I have a very
strict seating policy.
This is Orlando's seat.
So why don't you move
your ample frame
to an open seat?
I'll take this one.
That's mine.
You said, "find an open seat,"
so I did.
I found this one.
Okie-doke!
Hello!
I'm Jerri Blank.
32 years ago I dropped
out of high school
and ran away from home.
Oh, I made a lot of friends
Did a lot of time.
I was a boozer
A user
And a loser.
I stole the T.V
Did some more time.
But now I'm back in school!
And though the faces
may have changed
the hassles are just the same.
oh, I'm sorry, I thought
this was unoccupied.
[LAUGHS UNEASILY]
Just for your
F.Y.I information,
there's a latch
Well, I'll let you alone now.
Maybe you wanna pull those up.
Are you trying to embarrass me?
No!
I think you are-
and that agitates me
And then I react in violence.
[BANG]
Can't we talk this over?
Sure, why don't you have a
conversation with my fist?
Number one
Get your chubby chimp claws
off of the copper top.
You just made a big mistake.
Oh, did I.
Hmm.
It's go time, fattie.
Huh?
Go on
Make your move.
What?
No screws around
to hear your screams.
Huh, punk?
Huh? Huh?
Come on.
Come on, come on.
[WRESTLING COMMOTION]
Mr. Jellineck!
Ladies.
You're lucky "Johnny Law's" here
to stop the fight.
Fight?
There's a fight?
Listen, girls
Violence never solves anything
except conflict.
I know-I'm a pacifist.
I pass
A fist, get it?
[CACKLES]
Okay, get to class, now.
We'll settle this after school.
Yeah, you bet.
[BANG]
I guess she got the message.
Okay, if you'll excuse
me now, I have to, uh
Mail a package.
Thanks for stickin' up
for me, Jerri.
Sure thing, Nuttage,
I gotta mind my bitches.
Now if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go, uh
Splash some water on my fear.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Look, Jerri, I don't think you
should fight after school.
Listen to your friend, Jerri-
that's sound wisdom.
It's too late.
I've been called out.
I gotta follow the code
of the street.
[CRACK]
Ahhh!
Listen up!
The Concrete Donkey is back
from the cleaners
where they managed to
scrub the latest fecal
defiling off the beloved mule.
If a student, so much as
touches the Honorable Jackass,
I will give them a
massive dose of suspension.
Also, Mr. Noblet is
on sudden sick leave,
although he seemed pretty
healthy running out of the school.
In any event,
he previously foresaw
this unforeseen eventuality
by preparing a tape,
which you will listen to
until your substitute arrives.
NOBLET [ON TAPE]: All right
people, let's get started.
Today's lesson will be on the
Minoan civilization of Crete.
Turn your textbooks to page
Psst! Tammi.
Jerri, what's that?
Nothing.
Bring it up here.
C'mon, let's have it!
Just because I'm not here
doesn't mean there
are no rules to
[FAST FORWARDING]
Nice try, Jerri.
Now put the note on the desk
and go back to your seat.
Fat ass.
All right, now if there are
no more interruptions,
I'd like you all
to turn to page 42.
There we will see a
scantily-clad Cretian boy
Hi, I'm Mr. Tidbits.
I'll be filling in for Mr
Noblay.
Today we were supposed to be
learning about ancient Greece.
Now, does the fact
that the Athenians
in the 5th century B.C.
condoned man-on-boy love
diminish the Olympian heights
that this civilization achieved?
Yes. So, there is no reason
to study the Greeks.
Okay, now, the Turks.
You'd think you'd
be on safe ground
with these mad Muslim bastards,
but go in any bathhouse,
and I'll tell you something,
you better kick the soap
towards the wall
Jerri.
You have to call off this fight.
Oh Tammala, you're so naive.
You mess with the skunk,
you get the stink.
Besides, she's got it coming,
for pickin' on such a gentle
harmless creature, oh.
Hey, after this, you wanna
head over to the zoo
and throw rocks at the pandas?
It really tortures 'em.
They just had babies.
Shh, yourself.
And since the Etruscans
were a bunch of fairies
we won't bother with them.
Fairies.
Okay that covers everything
in the lesson plan,
so, let's head out early.
I just wanna remind you,
after school, we fight.
Oh yeah, I'm shakin'.
[CRASHING]
Oh yeah, right!
There's a lot more
where that came from.
Don't touch!
Don't touch!
[PIANO PLAYING]
Well, Tidbits, I just wanted
to informally give you
a formal welcome to my school.
Thank you, I'm happy to be here.
Hey you fellow, academiacs.
Guess what day it is
[CACKLES GLEEFULLY]
Better run
Jellineck's on the prowl.
Uh oh!
New guy!
[CACKLES]
I'm Geoffrey Jellineck.
Don't let the boy's looks
fool you,
I am a teacher.
Tomorrow's Pot Luck Friday.
Here's how it works:
Each of us sign up today
for the food
we'll be bringing tomorrow.
Still need a creamy vegetable,
or a leafy dessert.
What should I jot you down for?
Are you a faggot?
[PIANO AND PEOPLE HALT]
I'm sorry.
What's happening?
You seem womanly to me,
which leads me to believe
you're a faggot.
Well?
[ALL TEACHERS GIGGLING]
Good natured,
ribbing by the new guy,
I love it!
Hilarious!
This is no joke.
I hate queers.
[WHEEZING AND CACKLING]
He's topped himself.
Good one!
I love it when my teachers spar.
High jinks!
Funny stuff, Tidbits.
[PATTING BACK]
Hey! Listen
I think we got off to a
pretty bad start in there.
It's probably my fault.
Tell you what, why don't
we head over to my class
I have a blow torch, we'll
fire up some crème brûlées,
have a little rap session,
work out this
whole misunderstanding.
[UNEASY GIGGLE]
Listen, skirt, I'm not
into that scene.
I find your lifestyle offensive.
It has no place
in a house of learning.
So, I'll tell you what,
you have two choices.
One, do the right thing,
and resign, today,
or prove to me you're a man
by fighting me.
I appreciate your opinion
but I won't be doing either.
I love my job here,
and I'm a practicing pacifist.
I'll be waiting for you
after school
to hear your decision.
[DOOR OPENING]
Today, as you can see,
we're having class in the gym.
It's important to keep a
trim figure through exercise,
starving yourself,
and later, plastic surgery.
Okay!
Why don't you all, uh,
wander around
without any supervision
and uh, acquaint yourself
with some of this
dangerous equipment.
Hey Blank
I can't wait to hear
the sound of your skull
bangin' against my knuckles.
[BANG]
[THUMP, THUMP, THUMP]
Look Jerri, I know
you've got this code,
but Edie's gonna
kill you. [BANG]
If you can't back out, at least
talk to Principal Blackman.
He'll stop the fight,
and you won't hurt your rep.
Squeal to the fuzz!
Look, my pimp slap
might be a little rusty,
but it's nothin' a few hours
in the weight room won't fix.
Ah! I feel
a muscle throbbing.
I think that's
a blood clot, Jerri.
Ah, the ol' bench press.
My old compadre
from the prison yard.
Mmm! Longee time
no seeum.
Hey nuttage, throw me a spot.
All right!
Toss a few more plates
on this bad boy.
You sure that's not
too much, Jerri?
Too much?
Back in the pen, I used
to be in this little thing
called "The Heavy Metal Club".
We had competitions for
jungle juice and cigarettes.
White supremacists vs. the racists.
I lifted for both teams.
Now, what you wanna do when
you're pumpin' iron
is get your trachea right up
underneath the metal bar.
[STRAINING]
And let er' fly.
[CLUNK]
[CHOKING AND GASPING]
[STRANGLING]
Little help.
L-Little help.
Ah, aa! Ahh! Ah, oh.
Well nurse, I guess
you'll be sendin' me home.
Oh Jerri, if I sent home
every student
that had a shattered trachea
and a few fractured vertebrae,
then the classrooms
would be filled
with nothing but healthy kids.
No, but I'm sick!
I wanna go home!
Jerri, when injured students
leave school,
those injuries
turn into lawsuits,
and a lawsuit
can't benefit anybody
except the people
who've been injured.
Do you understand that?
Okay.
[SMACK]
Should she take any
special precautions?
I would try to avoid any
type of vicious hammer blows
oww!
To the skull.
Okay, so I will send
your bill in the mail.
Oh no, I'm feverish.
Take my temperature!
No way out.
No way out.
What am I gonna do, Tammala?
You have to back down, Jerri,
you have no choice.
Listen, I'll catch up
with ya' later.
I just need to think.
[UNZIP]
The principal will be with you
in a moment.
[CACKLING]
So, Socrates was a homo?
I didn't know.
That's funny!
[CACKLES AGAIN]
I think we just might be able
to find a permanent spot
for you, Tidbits.
I have a feeling you're
gonna be around here
for a long, long time.
Jellineck, what do you want?
Maybe he's here
to say, "goodbye."
Well actually, I was hoping
that we could, uh,
have a little talk in private.
Anything you can say in private,
you can say in public.
All right, good.
Well I'm having
a bit of a
Misunderstanding with, uh,
one of the teachers here,
and before it escalates,
I'd like you to mediate
a little jam session
so we can work out
this conflict.
I can't stop conflict
between teachers
anymore than I can
between my students.
This must be settled
the way nature intended,
with a vicious, bloody fight!
I'll see you after school, homo.
Ah ha ha, he said it again.
What clownery!
TIDBITS:
Oh! Sweet Jesus!
My mule!
Not again!
Blank, you defiled my mule.
You desecrated
the Honorable Jackass.
Jerri, how could you?!
Whatever Principal Blackman
has in mind for punishment,
I support him 100%
and I don't care if that
means locking you up
and beating you senseless.
What do you have in mind,
Principal?
Suspension.
She can spend the rest of
the year at home with you.
What ever happened to mercy
Don't listen to her,
kick me out of school.
Blank, what is this all about?
All right, look,
I did try to get suspended,
but that's because
the new girl's gonna
beat the crap out of me
after school.
Take a look at my mule-
clearly there's nothing
left in you to beat out.
I'll tell you this much, Blank,
since your scheme
was to get suspended,
your punishment
is to stay in school.
What!
I agree, Principal,
the best punishment
is to make her stay
at not my home.
And what about the new girl?
You deserve every
skull thumping blow
that Neanderthette can deliver.
Get out!
Uggghhh! Ugh!
Well, Mrs. Blank, I can see
we're both pretty wound up.
Perhaps you and I should head
over to the boys' locker room
and have ourselves a shower.
I consider that
highly inappropriate.
Me too.
That's the simple beauty of it.
So what do ya' say?
I don't think so.
Perhaps next time.
Absolutely not.
Maybe you'll change your mind.
I can assure you, I won't.
That's as good as a yes.
[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK]
[SQUIRREL SQUEALING]
[CHOMP]
[SQUIRT]
Ah, ha ha, squirrel.
[BELL RINGING AND
CLOCK GONGING]
See you out there, Jerri.
Don't be afraid to draw blood,
early and often.
Hey, Jerri!
So I heard about your
little trouble after school.
I heard about yours.
So what are you gonna do?
I've been called out.
I'm gonna have to
show up and fight.
Yeah, I guess you're
gonna have to show up,
but you don't have to fight.
What do you mean?
It's called "pacifism", Jerri,
and I fight my battles
By not fighting.
Well, isn't that kind of, uh,
you know, cowardly.
Sure, some have
called me a "coward",
but others have
called me a "pussy".
Understand?
Not really.
Talk to your bully, Jerri.
Understand her.
Show her your weakness until
she becomes weak herself.
So, if Edie and I
have an understanding,
she'll become weak.
Yes.
Hey! I got somethin'
for you.
[EXCITINGLY SQUIRMING]
[OPENS DRAWER]
Peace:
Ohhh.
It's your greatest weapon.
Now let's go kick some peace!
It's Jerri!
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
Jerri! Edie, Edie,
Edie Come on, Jerri.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Well Princess, I guess
it's time to rumble.
Before we get started,
I've got something to say.
Nothing you do or say
will cause me to react,
or protect myself in any way.
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
Come on! Woo!
[POW]
[BIFF]
[BAM]
[POW]
[SPLAT]
[BAM]
[SPURT]
My God.
Defend yourself.
[POW]
[BAM]
[STUDENTS ROARING]
Woo!
Yeah! Come on!
Ah!
[BIFF]
[SCREAMING]
Hold it!
[POW, PUNCH, ZOWIE]
Hold it!
I got somethin' to say!
Edie, I won't fight you
because
I know you.
I understand what it's
like to be unloved.
But you know somethin', Edie,
maybe my life would
have been different
if I had someone to love me.
So go ahead, go ahead,
blast away with your fists-s-s,
I just want you to know that
I love you.
What?!
I love you.
[SQUIRMING IN FEAR]
You love me.
Ah! Aah!
STUDENTS:
Oh my God! Aww!
[POW]
[SPLAT]
Look, I'm tired.
Why don't we just call
this a vicious beating
and leave it at that?
Only if you're willing to admit
the face is mightier
than the fist.
Okay, you
Win?
[IN AGONY]
Ohhhh!
Hey Mary, my hands
are kinda swollen.
I don't think I can drive.
Think you could
give me a lift home?
Sure! Why don't
I go get the car
And
[MUTTERING]
[STUDENTS CLAMORING]
Come on, Jerri.
Take her down.
[STUDENTS BOOING]
[CROWD HUSHES]
Aww! Finish this shit off!
Yeah ahhh!!
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
[BANG, BANG, BANG]
Yaaahhhh!
[BAM]
[BIFF]
[POLICE SIRENS]
Jerri, it's the cops!
What? Ah!
Oh, I hate cops.
Mr. Jellineck, can I
get a ride with you?
I sorta gotta get out
of town for a while.
Sure Jerri, hop in.
Boy, you sure took a beating.
Yeah.
You know, maybe I was wrong
about this pacifism thing.
Are you insane?
Pacifism works like a charm,
as long as ya' button it.
[CACKLES]
Peace.
[CAR PEELING OUT]
[CLUNK, CLUNK]
Oh!
[CACKLES]
Man down.
Iris, you should see this.
Damn, those two are funny.
All right, Iris,
show me what you got.
[BOOM]
Oh!
Oh, oh!
Oh, ow!
I guess what I learned
this week is that violence
really isn't the only way
to resolve a conflict
But it's the only way to win it!
Right, Mr. J?
That's absolutely right, Jerri.
Hey-i think my brain
is starting to hemorrhage.
That's hilarious.
[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]
I'm okay.
I'm okay, I'm not sick.
I feel better now.