Teachers (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Morning, sunshine.
I got us muffins.
- I can't do breakfast.
- Oh, don't worry.
I mashed one up and put it in a coffee cup for you so no one'll know you're eating carbs.
It's not that.
Mavis just told me that I have a parent/teacher conference this morning.
Apparently, it's a mom who wants to meet just'cause? I can do the conference for you.
I can be you.
[SNOOTY.]
Hi, I'm Ms.
Snap.
The only food I eat is Diet Pepsi.
Yeah I'm good.
And I assure you, I can handle any mom in that room.
I'm just gonna politely explain to her that whatever the problem is, it's because her kid's an idiot.
Mom?! Hi! [ROCK MUSIC.]
What are you doing here? I haven't seen or heard from you in, like, six years.
Huh.
It only felt like two.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, do we have to send out a missing persons report - for your sense of humor? - I guess I lost it when you stopped calling on my birthday.
Ugh.
You know I don't celebrate the aging process.
Anyway, I'm here because I got married! Yeah! Now, before you go getting your thong in a wad about not being invited, it was a really small ceremony.
About 175 people.
Whatever.
Once you've been to four of your weddings, you've been to them all.
Well, Bob, my husband, has a daughter named Stephanie, and she's in your class.
Can you believe it? I'm a mom! You've been a mom for 32 years.
I know, but now I really feel like one.
And I wanna get involved with Stephie's education as much as possible room parent, field trips, chaperone all of it.
You never did any of this for me growing up.
You never stirred my maternal instincts.
No offense.
- Offense taken! - No, you can't do that.
- I said no offense.
- Damn.
Come to dinner tonight.
Meet Bob and spend some more time with Stephanie.
Wait is this a trap? No.
I really want you to come.
By the way, you look terrific, honey.
I actually like you with thicker calves.
Yeah! [DRAMATIC STING.]
Hey, Deb! Two more acts signed up for the talent show.
This is gonna be a hoot.
We'll be the best MCs Fillmore's ever seen.
Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
I haven't been in a talent show since my band, Orifice and the Sphincters, got kicked out for sexually explicit lyrics.
I'm excited.
I'm gonna create an act for students who do not have what our society narrowly defines as "artistic aptitude.
" So their talent for the talent show is not having any talent? - Mm-hmm! - Ugh! I'm out of foundation, and I still have Kevin James calves.
- Is everything okay, Chelsea? - No.
My mom is back.
Oh, wow! Meeting your mom this is a huge step for us.
Our relationship is progressing.
Do you think she'll like me? You're not gonna meet her.
She's too busy with her new stepdaughter who, bee-tee-dubs, is my student, Stephanie Harris.
Stephanie is your stepsister? She just signed up for the talent show.
- What is she doing? - A mother/daughter act.
Are you serious? This is the woman who left me floating on an inflatable pizza in Lake Michigan so she could go tan.
I washed ashore in Gary.
Gary! [TAPPING SOUNDS.]
Caroline and Toby reporting for talent show sign-ups.
Can you guess what we're doing? An act where you saw each other in half but it's not magic, and you both die? No, silly.
We're the BOTH: Traveling Time Steps! We've been taking couples' tap lessons.
And we're so excited about performing in the show.
[SQUEALS.]
We're in, we're in! And slide! - BOTH: Slide! - I don't care what anyone says.
Those two are related.
Welcome, everyone.
You're here because you think you don't have a talent.
But talent is just a passion expressed.
So what are you passionate about? Snakes.
Pretzels.
Okay! Um those are both valid.
But what are some important issues of the day that you care about? For instance our Earth is dying a brutal death.
The Earth is dying? Yes, Sandy, I agree! Let's use this opportunity to raise awareness for global warming.
What's global warming? Exactly, Marty! That's the question we need to answer! I can see it now a bare stage except for a giant three-dimensional Earth behind us as we all sing about our imminent death.
Wait hold! Sugar! Did I drop my smile again? No! But your time step needs a time stop until our moves are in sync.
Well, maybe if we did the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo" like I suggested, I'd keep up better.
"Shuffle Off to Buffalo"? What is this, amateur hour? Why do you get to make all the decisions? This is just like when we tried to redecorate the bathroom.
We don't need 12 guest towels.
- I like to entertain.
- We live in a studio! You have to let me take charge sometimes! Okay.
Good.
I'll start now.
Take five.
"Take five"? What? That's how they take a break in show biz.
[ROCK MUSIC.]
[GIGGLES.]
Remind me how is it you know Tanya again? I'm her daughter.
That's right.
That's what it was.
Okay, party people, Tanya's famous meatloaf is ready for take-off.
Wait you made dinner? - Yeah.
- Mom's a great cook.
- Ohh - How nice.
I grew up thinking all food came out of a can.
- Well - Okay, well Oh! Seriously? You can't diet slap me anymore.
In this family, we wait until we say grace.
Pass.
You know, this reminds me of that time we all went camping to Lake - ALL: Shelbyville! - [LAUGHTER.]
Yes! And then we went to that bizarre diner - and had the meatloaf special.
- Oh, that's right.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- That was fun.
[LAUGHING.]
[LAUGH FADES.]
It sounds funny.
Mom, look, I made a smiley face with my meatloaf! Look at that! My gal is so creative! [STRAINED LAUGH.]
Look! I made one too.
Hi! Stop it, Chelsea.
You're 32.
You'd never say Stephanie's age with such disgust.
I would if she was playing with her food when she was almost middle-aged.
Okay.
I don't have to sit here and take this.
I gave up "RuPaul's Drag Race" to be here, and this is the last day of my free trial on Hulu, and now I have to buy a subscription! [EXHALES.]
Sashay away! [ROCK MUSIC.]
So the criminal justice system provides for the detection, detainment, and punishment of criminals.
And, if your cheeks look like God personally chiseled them, after your release, you get to be a model and date the heiress of "Topshop.
" Any questions? No, thanks.
Ugh.
If Mom was here, she'd make you call on me.
Well, Mom's not here, is she? [SCOFFS.]
Take out your workbooks.
Hey, you can't just take my stuff! You have to ask to borrow it.
- Can I borrow it? - No.
[GASPS.]
Uh-uh.
It's mine! No! You have to share! - Stop! - You stop! Give it to me! Now you broke it! I'm telling Mom! What a tattletale, am I right? Ms.
Cannon, I have to drop out of the show 'cause of soccer practice.
So you're choosing an inconsequential sport over the survival of our planet? I don't know.
I just go every Thursday.
Fine.
Go.
Listen up, people.
The work we're doing here matters, but we're not going to achieve our goals unless we're 100% committed.
So I need you to take a moment right now to look inside yourself and decide, "Am I all in?" 'Cause if you're not, - there's the door! - [EPIC MUSIC.]
[MUSIC STOPS.]
Okay.
Well, Sandy, Marty, let's finish papier-macheing the Earth.
There you are, Care Bear.
[TAPPING.]
Guess what.
Since we've had such a hard time getting the act in shape, I've taken the bull by the horns and booked us a practice show for today.
Did you check on the space? Did you send them a rider? We don't even have our new character shoes! Caroline, I've taken care of everything.
Okay.
You're in charge.
No more questions.
My lips are sealed.
Hey, you can't just barge into my room! Have you ever heard of knocking? Oh, why, are you making a Ken doll go down on you again? You swore we'd never speak of that.
Well, too bad! Stephanie said that you were mean to her.
What can I say? She's weak.
Like it or not, you are a part of this family, and we are going to work it out.
How are we supposed to work it out? I want you to come over for a sleepover tonight.
Really? A girls' night? That sounds cool.
I might be there.
I will be there.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, honey.
I like your pants.
We probably should have measured the door before we started.
You know what? Nothing's gonna stop us.
[SLASHING AND GRUNTING.]
That's actually a great metaphor.
[CRUNCHING.]
- [KNOCKING.]
Hi! Ho! - Hey, ho.
Why didn't you tell me we were dressing up? I could have worn my mermaid hair.
- Ready, babe? - Yeah.
[GIGGLES.]
Are you guys leaving? Yeah.
We're going to see a Def Leppard cover band.
They're very accurate.
Their drummer only has - one arm too.
- Yeah.
But what about girls' night? Well, girls' night - is for you and Steph, silly! - Adios! This is my room.
Do you seriously have every Adora Doll? Cottontail, Hearts Aflutter.
Shut up! Sweet Cheeks? This is everything I wanted before I discovered guys.
Our mom got 'em for me.
Did you have to be a certain weight? - No.
- Ugh! It's not fair! She was never there for me the way she's there for you.
I don't get it! [CRYING.]
I know how you feel.
My real mom wasn't around much either.
But now that Tanya's here, it's like I know how a real mom's supposed to act.
I wish I did.
If it makes you feel any better, my dad's a serial cheater and will probably break our mom's heart.
That does help.
Thank you.
[CRYING.]
Ohh I'm sorry I was so mean to you in class.
You did not deserve that.
You're actually pretty cool for a little sister.
Thanks.
I think you're really cool.
I am.
So, two cool chicks with the house to themselves.
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Let's get lit! Up top, body shots Sand in some weird spots Can't come film them 'Cause we're living the dream No, I'm not asleep, I'm good And living the dream This is why I never let you take charge.
It was a mistake, Caroline.
Try catastrophe! Your shoes have a matte finish, and mine are patent leather! Our feet are storytellers, and now they're telling two different stories! I really don't think it's that big of a deal.
You're right.
It pales in comparison to the fact that we'll be tapping on carpet! And-a one, and-a two, and-a you know what to do.
Click, clack, click, clack, clickety-clack, boom-boom! Stop making noises.
Click, click, click, click.
- Click, click, click.
- Don't you dare - make noises for my solo! - And click and clack.
Click, click, click, click, clickety-clack.
Click, click, - clickety-clack.
- Okay, stop! - Stop it! - Click, click, click.
- Uh-oh.
- You just humiliated me at the biggest venue we've ever performed at.
That's it! I'm done! Click, click, click, click, click, click Stop it! Did you freeze my good water bra? [LAUGHING.]
- No.
- Well, it burst in the freezer.
Now what am I supposed to wear to church? Relax.
It was a prank.
Sorry, Mom.
No.
This is all you, Chelsea.
You are a horrible influence.
Stephanie never would have done this without you.
Oh, you're such a disappointment.
[INSISTENT BEEPING.]
Ugh.
I hate Amber Alerts.
What do they want me to do, put on a cape and go find the kid? Maybe we shouldn't have pranked Mom.
Yeah.
She was really mad.
I've never seen her forehead move before.
[SIRENS WHOOPING.]
Crap.
Haven't paid parking tickets in ten years.
How much do I owe? I'll Venmo you.
- Hands up! - Aah! Aah! Your vehicle's the subject of an Amber Alert.
We're placing you under arrest for kidnapping.
What? She's my stepsister! I'm gonna read you your Miranda rights.
Well, I'm Chelsea, not Miranda, so why would you read me her rights? Thank you so much for finding them.
I'm sorry about the false alarm.
[GIGGLES.]
I can't believe you did that.
You got what you deserved.
- You are unbelievable! - Yeah.
My whole life, all I've ever done is try to make you happy.
But it's never enough.
I celebrated my tenth birthday five years in a row so you wouldn't feel old.
Not enough.
I slept in the yard when you brought guys home because you said having a kid in the house made them uncomfortable.
Not enough! I broke up with my college boyfriend because you guys had chemistry! Not enough! Then I even bond with Stephanie who you're doing all this stuff for that you never did for me.
Why am I not enough? I don't know what to say.
You don't have to say anything.
I never wanna see you again.
W-wh Wait, no! Chelsea! Wait.
I know I was a terrible mom.
So when Stephanie came along, I just figured this maybe my chance to get it right? But you should know that I'm very proud of you.
I mean, look at you.
You're a smart, successful, skinny teacher, and you did it all on your own.
Oh, my God.
Did you just call me skinny? Like Nicole Richie.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, Chels.
[TEARFUL LAUGHING.]
Oh! - [VIOLIN END NOTES.]
- [APPLAUSE.]
I hate playing violin.
Oh! [LAUGHING.]
Well, that was a quick act, folks.
I thought he might string us along.
I'm glad he didn't.
People might have gotten violin t.
Hold for laughs.
[LOW MURMURING.]
Okay! Without further ado, please welcome to the stage The Traveling Time Steps! - There's only one now.
- What? There's - The Traveling Time - BOTH: Step! [LIGHT PIANO.]
[TAPPING.]
[DISTANT TAPPING.]
[PIANO STARTS AGAIN.]
[MOUTHING.]
Sorry.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
CROWD: Oh! That was top notch.
I'll bet I know what those guys drank.
What's that? Tap water.
[UNDER BREATH.]
Make eye contact with the audience Next up, Ms.
Cannon and two students.
[APPLAUSE.]
[LIGHT PIANO.]
Earth is our mother She gave us life Listen to our song And save her from strife - [HARD ROCK CHORDS.]
- Mankind is murdering The Earth! Methane, water vapor, carbon dioxide It warms our planet ALL: Kills her from the inside What is true, through all this clatter Does anyone care about Black Lives Matter? We're all gonna die! - [SCATTERED CLAPPING.]
- Wow.
Global warming? Someone call Nelly, 'cause it' getting hot in hurrr.
Okay, for our final act, please welcome Tanya Harris and her two daughters.
Walk, na-na na-na na-na Na-na na-na na-na The runway walk Na-na na-na na-na na-na Na-na na-na na-na na-na, the runway walk Let me see your runway walk Make your heels click, make the runway talk Come on, pretty women taking pictures They never come outside until they look vicious Oh! Oh Chelsea, look out! Oh! Oh AUDIENCE: Oh! [CHELSEA MOANS.]
Thanks for doing the show with me.
Of course.
I'm sorry for quitting The Traveling Time Steps.
And you were right about the "Shuffle Off to Buffalo.
" It is not an amateur move.
What's wrong? Listen, Care Bear, you mean the world to me, but I think we both know this isn't working.
Toblerone, are you breaking up with me? [SOMBER MUSIC.]
I know we've been fighting a lot, but I'm not myself.
I'm worried about my financial situation It's not just you.
It's me too.
I think we're both having a hard time accommodating each other.
I'll stop watching "The Property Brothers.
" I don't even find them that attractive.
I'm a man, Caroline, but I have eyes.
Those two are Greek gods, and you and I both know it.
Yeah.
So is this really it? I think it is.
[SOMBER MUSIC.]
Uh we carpooled this morning.
Can I still get a ride? Uh I think it's probably best if you get a Lyft.
Okay.