The Big C (2010) s03e09 Episode Script
Vaya Con Dios
Previously, on The Big C That's my girl Alexis.
Shame about her husband, huh? - What happened there? - He died a few months back.
Heart attack.
You haven't kept me in the loop about your church, your new girlfriend? They're the only people who make me feel like it's okay to be myself these days.
Oh! I'm dating a couple.
Which makes us a "thruple.
" I think it's best we stop.
You're breaking up with me? This is your key fob.
My lovely assistant Ababuo will now determine whether my heart needs to be jolted.
[Beeps.]
[Applause.]
You ready to love your life? Flip that switch! What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico that sounds like a gas.
Whatever you think is gonna happen with Paul in Puerto Rico won't, because my entire family's gonna be there.
All of that negative energy, you keep it up, your cancer's gonna pop right back, missy.
You are a bitch! [Bus honks.]
[Thumps, tires screech.]
The Big C - 3x09 - Vaya Con Dios Original air date, June 10th, 2012.
[Leftover Cuties - Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life [Sighs.]
De nada.
De nada.
What? It means "You're welcome.
" It's practically the only Spanish I know, so just pretend I said, "Hallelujah, sunshine.
" If this is America, then we are idiots for living in Minnesota.
No, if this is America, why don't they speak English? Puerto Rico is actually a territory of America.
It was colonized by Spain, and given to us as a glorified door prize in 1898.
So, we got the keys to the joint, and in return, they got McDonald's.
I'm dying to go scuba diving.
I want to see tropical fish somewhere other than my dentist's office.
My God, my presentation bag.
Where the hell's my presentation bag? I've lost it.
- Got it, Mr.
J.
- Oh, Jesus De nada.
Paul, you need to relax.
Yeah, you need to not tell me how to feel.
Show me some appreciation for bringing everyone down here.
Hola,welcome to El Conquistador.
Paul Jamison, I'm the featured speaker.
Oh, I know who you are.
This is my wife, and this is my assistant Ababuo.
Hi.
So sorry for your loss.
Yeah, well, it's been a it's been a rough week.
This is delightful.
What is this? It's rum and passion fruit.
Puerto Rico's the rum capital of the world.
Well, when in rum.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
"Appearing live.
" Well, not so much.
[Chuckles.]
Nice.
These people don't want to see me.
I'm like their very sloppy seconds.
Oh, come on, dad, you'll be great.
Buddy, women aren't even my audience.
- You want my advice? - Not really.
Great.
Forget the women.
I'm treating this vacation as a well-deserved break from the fairer sex.
Since my little thruple break-up, I'm on hiatus from even looking at women.
Passing on the pussy.
Cocktail,senor? Oh, hey, there's an app on my phone that translates English into Spanish, so I'll tweet all of Joy's Spanish-speaking fans.
Oh, remember I'm Pablo! Pablo down here, remember? Pablo.
Pablo? Seriously? Oh, yeah, come on, it'll be fun.
Haven't you ever wanted to go by another name? You know, be somebody else for a while? Why are you up? Can't sleep.
I keep on having these nightmares about Joy's last moments.
Do you think she was in pain? She was hit by a bus.
So, guessing? Yup.
You don't have to be glib about it.
I know, it was It's an awful way to go, Paul.
Trust me, I know.
I was there.
I saw the whole thing.
Just so you know, she was a horror.
Wow.
Way to speak ill of the dead.
What, so like she deserved it? Jesus Christ, that woman helped thousands of people.
She helped me.
You didn't really know her.
No I feel like I knew Joy a lot better than I know you these days.
What does that mean? Well, where do you go all the time? You're never home.
And when you are, I-I feel like it's the last place you want to be.
Paul Let's just have a great time this week.
We have rum.
And a and that moon.
[Knocking on door.]
Is everyone up but me? Ababuo, what're you doing? Ask him.
I thought maybe a new pillow would help me sleep.
He's friggin' Pablo and the pea.
- You had her get you a pillow at 2:00 in the morning? Paul.
She's my assistant.
I pay her.
Not "a" pillow, three.
They have a pillow bar.
Oh, and by the way, the pillow bar does not serve drinks.
Only pillows.
I asked.
Think I like this one.
It's firm, yet pliable.
El matador.
I will slay the bull that is sleep.
I'll return these before I smother him with them.
- Hola.
Group: Hola.
- Ready to scuba dive? - Yes.
Bueno.
Who has taken a resort scuba dive before? Si, si, si, si Novice, but very excited.
Well, we've got quite a treat for you guys.
After a few hours of training here - Stop.
- We're gonna get all of you out into the open water.
Si? So, let's get our masks on our heads.
What's with the plastic jewelry? They're my fish cards, so we can identify what we see.
[Chuckling.]
What? I am dying to see a parrot fish.
They're like little rainbows.
Oh, the chemicals in this shit will kill you.
No, that'll kill you.
Hey, look, a white grunt.
That's what you are.
Now, we may only be going about 20 feet down, but there's still risks.
You can get disoriented, get lost.
Most important, you've got to remember to keep breathing.
Otherwise, we take too much nitrogen into our system, and it can make you feel like you're drunk.
Oh! Like the sound of that.
Which is why we always dive with a buddy.
The buddy system is what keeps us safe.
So, everyone, buddy up.
- White grunt - [Laughs.]
Will you be my buddy? Will you, white grunt? Hi.
Shoot, am I too late? Eh, no.
Have a seat.
We were just picking buddies.
Anyone still free? Oh, I-I am.
I am.
I am.
Sean, you just asked me.
Well, you took too long to answer.
I thought you were off pussy.
Well, I can look but not touch.
You are ridiculous.
I'm not the one wearing the menu-sized fish bracelet.
Stop, you'll break it.
Stop it.
Hey, hey.
That's enough.
- Sorry.
- No more splashing.
Hey, welcome.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, Pablo Jamison, what makes you the next Joy Kleinman? Oh, I-I-I honestly don't think there ever could be another her.
Is that what you guys think, is that I can do what she can do? Because she was she was magic.
I mean, she was totally magic.
You know.
And I'm just me.
[Laughing.]
I mean, I'm ju you know, starting out, and I'm doing pretty good, but you know, I'm I'm not her.
And, uh, I, um But, uh Uh, okay, stepping stepping in! One second.
Momento.
- [Sighs.]
- Look, you're going into your shame spiral.
No one needs to see that.
And you have got to stop sweating.
Where the fuck is my coconut water? I don't have it yet.
Is he ready? Both: No.
- Okay.
I mean, I did ask for that a long fuckin' time ago.
I know, but I've been too busy finding your spf 70, which, P.
S.
, you have successfully sweated off.
Just breathe, just breathe Fuckin' breathe.
Yeah, keep breathing.
[Breathes deeply.]
Okay, he's ready.
God.
Hey.
I'm going into town.
Do you wanna come? Yes, but I can't.
Just now, when I went to the bathroom, your father yelled at me for taking personal time.
Dude, your dad has become a huge grano en el culo.
"Grain of" what? "Pain in the ass.
" Thank you, translation app.
So, why don't you just quit? Because that grano en el culo pays well.
I'm saving up for design school.
Andrea! Andrea! Yes, yes, coming, Mr.
J! Run while you can! Go! Hi.
"Sweat-amente" a lot.
Mira.
This is your regulator.
It keeps air flowing into the lungs.
Now, the tendency when we go under is to stop breathing.
Bad idea.
So, let's try just putting our heads under the water.
Deep, slow breaths.
[Regulators hiss.]
[Heart beating.]
[Heart beat accelerates.]
You okay? - I can't.
- What? What what happened? - I can't do this.
- Well Cath You want me to come with you? Jesus, what happened? - Did you sound check the stage? - Yes.
You'll be in the wings with my fob, right? Of course.
And you got my hemorrhoid cream in case my eyes get puffy? Putting that on your face instead of your backside is just plain nasty.
- Is that a yes? - Yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop! Oh, my God.
Will you look at this? You people have no respect! You're not taking that thing.
You're damn right I am.
Who would do a thing like this? Go, let's go.
Uh,de nada.
Got any more of that rum? I just had an anxiety attack in three feet of water.
I am officially chicken of the sea.
Why is there a broken Joy in our room? That's how I feel.
Like my joy is broken.
I know I know you liked her, Paul, but come on.
You knew her for two months.
I think this mourning is excessive.
I've let you have every irrational reaction you've needed to have over the past year.
Tattoos, affairs, you name it.
God forbid I shed a tear for a woman I cared deeply for.
Did you sleep with her? No.
No, I didn't.
Thought about it.
Maybe I would've.
Wow.
Joy understood me, Cathy.
She celebrated me, you know.
She made me feel like I mattered.
Ah.
And that's enough for you to have an affair again? What do you care? I'm dead to you anyway.
Right, Alexis? I know all about your other life.
I even checked out your bar.
It was cute, if you like ye oldie, fakey taverns.
How's the pilot's license coming, anyway? It wasn't another life.
No, I just I went in there because it was down the street from the hospital that you were in for weeks.
Everyone was nice, I was stressed.
It was it was just a place where I could blow off some steam.
It was a place where I was dead.
Dead, Cathy.
You killed me.
This is your fantasy? That I should never wake up from that heart attack? Why didn't you tell me you went there? Why didn't you tell me? I gave you every chance.
I kept waiting, hinting.
And you just kept lying to me.
I'm your husband.
Nothing happened, Paul.
I had a few drinks.
Maybe a cigarette.
With all the crap that's been going on in my life, I-I needed a place where I-I could be free.
Crap? What crap? I mean, you're healthier than you've been all year.
Your your son is getting his act together, I'm finally a success.
I mean, or is that it? Is that the problem? Are you jealous? I mean, it's like, I finally get a bigger life, and so you need to kill me off? Okay, it's not about you, Paul.
It's never about me, honey.
[Beeps.]
Uh, not dead yet.
Sorry.
Don't be an asshole.
How can I trust you again? Ever? I gotta be honest, I don't know if I can do this for another 40 years.
I'm getting my own room.
[Acoustic guitar and piano music.]
[Sings in Spanish.]
Hey.
What're you doing here? Did you follow me? No, I was out walking, I saw you come in.
You don't have to talk to me.
It's okay.
It's pretty in here, isn't it? Except all the bleeding "Jesi" are a bit of a downer.
Yeah, well, it's easter week.
It's all about the crucifixion.
What do you think he was thinking about up there in all that pain? That it'd be over soon, and he'd get to see God.
So, the whole heaven thing.
You're down with that.
Yeah.
Yeah, for the three minutes dad died, he saw it.
The white light, the love, his friend who died.
I'd like to see my mom again.
It's a shame you never met her.
She was a riot.
Sh she used to put this crazy wig on sometimes to wake me up; It scared the crap outta me.
Well, you will see her.
And I'll see you again.
It's what makes you being sick okay.
Because even if you do go, it's not the end.
I'll meet up with you there.
I'll probably be at the all-night pie-eating place.
Check there first.
[Chuckles.]
When I got my diagnosis, the first thing I thought of was you.
How you were gonna handle all this.
But you're gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Adam, your dad and I I think we might need to take some time apart.
Again? I know.
I wish things were different.
Do you think it'll make you happy? I doubt it.
It's too bad, mom, 'cause you're miserable.
If you guys split up, I'm living with dad.
Mr.
Jamison, the conquistador wanted you to have the presidential suite.
Jesus.
I do feel a little despotic.
Sorry.
Someone should be up soon to remove the flowers.
They were for miss Joy.
This was going to be her room.
Ccould you just leave 'em? All right.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thanks.
Have a nice day, sir.
You too.
[Cell phone rings.]
Adam.
Adam, listen.
I'm sor Oh.
[Laughs.]
Oh, Dr.
Sherman, I'm sorry.
I thought you were my son.
Who would apparently rather spend time with me in heaven than in Minnesota.
Okay.
Oh.
Sure.
Okay.
No, I will I will come in next week.
No, of course.
No.
No, it's okay.
You too.
[Sighs.]
I just got some grave news in a graveyard.
Ernesto, if I see you up there, I will return the favor.
[Knocks.]
I want to do that dive tomorrow.
Okay.
Hi.
I'll still be your buddy.
[Scoffs.]
Now, ask yourself, would you rather be alive and half dead, or dead, knowing you really lived? That even make sense? [Door opens.]
Stop looking at me! - Morning, Mr.
J.
- You're late.
You're welcome.
I've got five of these in the lobby, but don't look too closely.
You have some big-ass pores.
And that's the good news.
Jesus, what's the bad news? Well, I may have made a small mistake on the Spanish version of the programs.
What? What happened? Well, my app forgot the little squiggly line above the "n," and so instead of saying that you're 45 years young, it may have said that you have 45 anuses.
Are you fuckin' kidding me? I go onstage in an hour! Well, what do you want me to do? Make an announcement? "Hey, everybody, listen up! "This guy only has one butt, "but don't be confused, 'cause he also uses butt cream on his face!" You think this is funny? This is one of the most important days of my life.
I got 1,000 Joy fans coming to see me.
Now they're definitely gonna think I'm a clown! How hard is it to do a goddamn program? Listen, I know that you're having some troubles with Mrs.
J.
Right now, and that you're nervous, but please don't take it out on me.
This has got nothing to do with Mrs.
J or you, Andrea.
Ababuo.
This has got to do with me.
And a very simple job I asked you to do.
Okay? Do I have to do everything myself? You're useless! Oh, no, you did not just call me "useless!" Oh, yes, I did! You are impossible! I have given you your spf, your stupid pillows, your ass cream, and your stupid coconut water! But I will not give you my soul.
I quit.
Fine.
[Door slams.]
And remember, this is up, down, help, and okay.
And remember to keep one eye on your buddy at all times.
Okay? Let's get our tanks on.
So, you, uh you don't want to see hubby's big speech this morning? We had a fight.
A big fight.
Total deja vu.
I had a huge blowup with my husband last night too.
Really? Sean, can I see you on the starboard side, please? Learn what "deja vu" means.
She's married? Yeah, to a geriatric who plays mah-jongg.
She's still married, Sean.
I mean, Jesus, what happened to the guy who judged me for having an affair? I have loosened up my morals and my swim trunks.
It might be the rum or the thruple experience, but feel free to fuck around.
I don't want to fuck around.
I want to be better than that.
Oh, yea, holier-than-thou Cathy on the high seas.
Yo ho ho, and a bottle of fun.
Fuck you, Sean.
Okay, let's get in the water.
Good morning, everybody.
My name is Paul Jamison.
I'm sorry I'm not Joy.
Lo siento.
I'm just a schlub that she met back in Minnesota.
I know she's the reason you're here today, for her, not for me.
Well She's the reason I'm here today too.
You know, I mean Usually usually I tell my story now about how I died of a heart attack and came back to life.
But I was thinking this morning, doctors did not bring me back to life.
Joy did.
She showed me everything that I could have and be, and I went for it, and that's why I'm standing here today in front of you, and I want you to ask yourselves the same question.
Why are you really here? [Resistors hiss.]
[Heart beating.]
Something made you want to try something different today.
Maybe you're stuck or afraid, and you're sick of it.
Got a hunch that maybe your life could be different.
You can be different.
We're all alone out here, people.
Put yourself first.
Joy showed me this big, bright, amazingly beautiful, muy bonita new world, full of possibility.
And she demanded that I pursue my dreams, and I do it without fear.
I recently parted ways with my assistant.
And she was in charge, among many other things, of this.
This it keeps my heart ticking.
It actually keeps me from going six feet under.
Now, I was thinking to myself, "Why would I put my life in somebody else's hands?" What kind of idiot does that? Joy Kleinman would not have approved.
Right? She wanted us to take control of our own destinies.
So, I'm standing here before you today with a renewed sense of my own future.
You know, and it's time that we own our own destinies.
Anybody that's gonna get in the way of our joy, we tell 'em to go fuck themselves.
[Laughter.]
I guess that's the same in any language.
[Audience agrees.]
We only have a limited amount of breaths, right? How are we gonna use 'em? Crying over that terrific woman, or living the life that she wanted us to lead? You ladies I know that you ladies you have your special Joy lipsticks in your purses.
Okay, I want you to pull 'em out right now.
Put it on.
You're gonna stand out.
Take chances.
We're gonna kiss life on the fuckin' mouth, that's what we're gonna [audience cheers.]
[Applause.]
Joy is not gone! She's right here with us, she's standing in that light that I experienced when I died, and we're gonna step into that light, and we're gonna say, "Hello, Joy.
" Audience: Hello, Joy.
- Hello, Joy.
Audience: Hello, Joy.
- Hello, Joy! Audience: Hello, Joy! - Hola, Joy! Audience: Hola, Joy! All: [Chanting.]
Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy!
Shame about her husband, huh? - What happened there? - He died a few months back.
Heart attack.
You haven't kept me in the loop about your church, your new girlfriend? They're the only people who make me feel like it's okay to be myself these days.
Oh! I'm dating a couple.
Which makes us a "thruple.
" I think it's best we stop.
You're breaking up with me? This is your key fob.
My lovely assistant Ababuo will now determine whether my heart needs to be jolted.
[Beeps.]
[Applause.]
You ready to love your life? Flip that switch! What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico that sounds like a gas.
Whatever you think is gonna happen with Paul in Puerto Rico won't, because my entire family's gonna be there.
All of that negative energy, you keep it up, your cancer's gonna pop right back, missy.
You are a bitch! [Bus honks.]
[Thumps, tires screech.]
The Big C - 3x09 - Vaya Con Dios Original air date, June 10th, 2012.
[Leftover Cuties - Game Called Life.]
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life [Sighs.]
De nada.
De nada.
What? It means "You're welcome.
" It's practically the only Spanish I know, so just pretend I said, "Hallelujah, sunshine.
" If this is America, then we are idiots for living in Minnesota.
No, if this is America, why don't they speak English? Puerto Rico is actually a territory of America.
It was colonized by Spain, and given to us as a glorified door prize in 1898.
So, we got the keys to the joint, and in return, they got McDonald's.
I'm dying to go scuba diving.
I want to see tropical fish somewhere other than my dentist's office.
My God, my presentation bag.
Where the hell's my presentation bag? I've lost it.
- Got it, Mr.
J.
- Oh, Jesus De nada.
Paul, you need to relax.
Yeah, you need to not tell me how to feel.
Show me some appreciation for bringing everyone down here.
Hola,welcome to El Conquistador.
Paul Jamison, I'm the featured speaker.
Oh, I know who you are.
This is my wife, and this is my assistant Ababuo.
Hi.
So sorry for your loss.
Yeah, well, it's been a it's been a rough week.
This is delightful.
What is this? It's rum and passion fruit.
Puerto Rico's the rum capital of the world.
Well, when in rum.
[Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
"Appearing live.
" Well, not so much.
[Chuckles.]
Nice.
These people don't want to see me.
I'm like their very sloppy seconds.
Oh, come on, dad, you'll be great.
Buddy, women aren't even my audience.
- You want my advice? - Not really.
Great.
Forget the women.
I'm treating this vacation as a well-deserved break from the fairer sex.
Since my little thruple break-up, I'm on hiatus from even looking at women.
Passing on the pussy.
Cocktail,senor? Oh, hey, there's an app on my phone that translates English into Spanish, so I'll tweet all of Joy's Spanish-speaking fans.
Oh, remember I'm Pablo! Pablo down here, remember? Pablo.
Pablo? Seriously? Oh, yeah, come on, it'll be fun.
Haven't you ever wanted to go by another name? You know, be somebody else for a while? Why are you up? Can't sleep.
I keep on having these nightmares about Joy's last moments.
Do you think she was in pain? She was hit by a bus.
So, guessing? Yup.
You don't have to be glib about it.
I know, it was It's an awful way to go, Paul.
Trust me, I know.
I was there.
I saw the whole thing.
Just so you know, she was a horror.
Wow.
Way to speak ill of the dead.
What, so like she deserved it? Jesus Christ, that woman helped thousands of people.
She helped me.
You didn't really know her.
No I feel like I knew Joy a lot better than I know you these days.
What does that mean? Well, where do you go all the time? You're never home.
And when you are, I-I feel like it's the last place you want to be.
Paul Let's just have a great time this week.
We have rum.
And a and that moon.
[Knocking on door.]
Is everyone up but me? Ababuo, what're you doing? Ask him.
I thought maybe a new pillow would help me sleep.
He's friggin' Pablo and the pea.
- You had her get you a pillow at 2:00 in the morning? Paul.
She's my assistant.
I pay her.
Not "a" pillow, three.
They have a pillow bar.
Oh, and by the way, the pillow bar does not serve drinks.
Only pillows.
I asked.
Think I like this one.
It's firm, yet pliable.
El matador.
I will slay the bull that is sleep.
I'll return these before I smother him with them.
- Hola.
Group: Hola.
- Ready to scuba dive? - Yes.
Bueno.
Who has taken a resort scuba dive before? Si, si, si, si Novice, but very excited.
Well, we've got quite a treat for you guys.
After a few hours of training here - Stop.
- We're gonna get all of you out into the open water.
Si? So, let's get our masks on our heads.
What's with the plastic jewelry? They're my fish cards, so we can identify what we see.
[Chuckling.]
What? I am dying to see a parrot fish.
They're like little rainbows.
Oh, the chemicals in this shit will kill you.
No, that'll kill you.
Hey, look, a white grunt.
That's what you are.
Now, we may only be going about 20 feet down, but there's still risks.
You can get disoriented, get lost.
Most important, you've got to remember to keep breathing.
Otherwise, we take too much nitrogen into our system, and it can make you feel like you're drunk.
Oh! Like the sound of that.
Which is why we always dive with a buddy.
The buddy system is what keeps us safe.
So, everyone, buddy up.
- White grunt - [Laughs.]
Will you be my buddy? Will you, white grunt? Hi.
Shoot, am I too late? Eh, no.
Have a seat.
We were just picking buddies.
Anyone still free? Oh, I-I am.
I am.
I am.
Sean, you just asked me.
Well, you took too long to answer.
I thought you were off pussy.
Well, I can look but not touch.
You are ridiculous.
I'm not the one wearing the menu-sized fish bracelet.
Stop, you'll break it.
Stop it.
Hey, hey.
That's enough.
- Sorry.
- No more splashing.
Hey, welcome.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, Pablo Jamison, what makes you the next Joy Kleinman? Oh, I-I-I honestly don't think there ever could be another her.
Is that what you guys think, is that I can do what she can do? Because she was she was magic.
I mean, she was totally magic.
You know.
And I'm just me.
[Laughing.]
I mean, I'm ju you know, starting out, and I'm doing pretty good, but you know, I'm I'm not her.
And, uh, I, um But, uh Uh, okay, stepping stepping in! One second.
Momento.
- [Sighs.]
- Look, you're going into your shame spiral.
No one needs to see that.
And you have got to stop sweating.
Where the fuck is my coconut water? I don't have it yet.
Is he ready? Both: No.
- Okay.
I mean, I did ask for that a long fuckin' time ago.
I know, but I've been too busy finding your spf 70, which, P.
S.
, you have successfully sweated off.
Just breathe, just breathe Fuckin' breathe.
Yeah, keep breathing.
[Breathes deeply.]
Okay, he's ready.
God.
Hey.
I'm going into town.
Do you wanna come? Yes, but I can't.
Just now, when I went to the bathroom, your father yelled at me for taking personal time.
Dude, your dad has become a huge grano en el culo.
"Grain of" what? "Pain in the ass.
" Thank you, translation app.
So, why don't you just quit? Because that grano en el culo pays well.
I'm saving up for design school.
Andrea! Andrea! Yes, yes, coming, Mr.
J! Run while you can! Go! Hi.
"Sweat-amente" a lot.
Mira.
This is your regulator.
It keeps air flowing into the lungs.
Now, the tendency when we go under is to stop breathing.
Bad idea.
So, let's try just putting our heads under the water.
Deep, slow breaths.
[Regulators hiss.]
[Heart beating.]
[Heart beat accelerates.]
You okay? - I can't.
- What? What what happened? - I can't do this.
- Well Cath You want me to come with you? Jesus, what happened? - Did you sound check the stage? - Yes.
You'll be in the wings with my fob, right? Of course.
And you got my hemorrhoid cream in case my eyes get puffy? Putting that on your face instead of your backside is just plain nasty.
- Is that a yes? - Yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop! Oh, my God.
Will you look at this? You people have no respect! You're not taking that thing.
You're damn right I am.
Who would do a thing like this? Go, let's go.
Uh,de nada.
Got any more of that rum? I just had an anxiety attack in three feet of water.
I am officially chicken of the sea.
Why is there a broken Joy in our room? That's how I feel.
Like my joy is broken.
I know I know you liked her, Paul, but come on.
You knew her for two months.
I think this mourning is excessive.
I've let you have every irrational reaction you've needed to have over the past year.
Tattoos, affairs, you name it.
God forbid I shed a tear for a woman I cared deeply for.
Did you sleep with her? No.
No, I didn't.
Thought about it.
Maybe I would've.
Wow.
Joy understood me, Cathy.
She celebrated me, you know.
She made me feel like I mattered.
Ah.
And that's enough for you to have an affair again? What do you care? I'm dead to you anyway.
Right, Alexis? I know all about your other life.
I even checked out your bar.
It was cute, if you like ye oldie, fakey taverns.
How's the pilot's license coming, anyway? It wasn't another life.
No, I just I went in there because it was down the street from the hospital that you were in for weeks.
Everyone was nice, I was stressed.
It was it was just a place where I could blow off some steam.
It was a place where I was dead.
Dead, Cathy.
You killed me.
This is your fantasy? That I should never wake up from that heart attack? Why didn't you tell me you went there? Why didn't you tell me? I gave you every chance.
I kept waiting, hinting.
And you just kept lying to me.
I'm your husband.
Nothing happened, Paul.
I had a few drinks.
Maybe a cigarette.
With all the crap that's been going on in my life, I-I needed a place where I-I could be free.
Crap? What crap? I mean, you're healthier than you've been all year.
Your your son is getting his act together, I'm finally a success.
I mean, or is that it? Is that the problem? Are you jealous? I mean, it's like, I finally get a bigger life, and so you need to kill me off? Okay, it's not about you, Paul.
It's never about me, honey.
[Beeps.]
Uh, not dead yet.
Sorry.
Don't be an asshole.
How can I trust you again? Ever? I gotta be honest, I don't know if I can do this for another 40 years.
I'm getting my own room.
[Acoustic guitar and piano music.]
[Sings in Spanish.]
Hey.
What're you doing here? Did you follow me? No, I was out walking, I saw you come in.
You don't have to talk to me.
It's okay.
It's pretty in here, isn't it? Except all the bleeding "Jesi" are a bit of a downer.
Yeah, well, it's easter week.
It's all about the crucifixion.
What do you think he was thinking about up there in all that pain? That it'd be over soon, and he'd get to see God.
So, the whole heaven thing.
You're down with that.
Yeah.
Yeah, for the three minutes dad died, he saw it.
The white light, the love, his friend who died.
I'd like to see my mom again.
It's a shame you never met her.
She was a riot.
Sh she used to put this crazy wig on sometimes to wake me up; It scared the crap outta me.
Well, you will see her.
And I'll see you again.
It's what makes you being sick okay.
Because even if you do go, it's not the end.
I'll meet up with you there.
I'll probably be at the all-night pie-eating place.
Check there first.
[Chuckles.]
When I got my diagnosis, the first thing I thought of was you.
How you were gonna handle all this.
But you're gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Adam, your dad and I I think we might need to take some time apart.
Again? I know.
I wish things were different.
Do you think it'll make you happy? I doubt it.
It's too bad, mom, 'cause you're miserable.
If you guys split up, I'm living with dad.
Mr.
Jamison, the conquistador wanted you to have the presidential suite.
Jesus.
I do feel a little despotic.
Sorry.
Someone should be up soon to remove the flowers.
They were for miss Joy.
This was going to be her room.
Ccould you just leave 'em? All right.
- Thank you.
- Oh, thanks.
Have a nice day, sir.
You too.
[Cell phone rings.]
Adam.
Adam, listen.
I'm sor Oh.
[Laughs.]
Oh, Dr.
Sherman, I'm sorry.
I thought you were my son.
Who would apparently rather spend time with me in heaven than in Minnesota.
Okay.
Oh.
Sure.
Okay.
No, I will I will come in next week.
No, of course.
No.
No, it's okay.
You too.
[Sighs.]
I just got some grave news in a graveyard.
Ernesto, if I see you up there, I will return the favor.
[Knocks.]
I want to do that dive tomorrow.
Okay.
Hi.
I'll still be your buddy.
[Scoffs.]
Now, ask yourself, would you rather be alive and half dead, or dead, knowing you really lived? That even make sense? [Door opens.]
Stop looking at me! - Morning, Mr.
J.
- You're late.
You're welcome.
I've got five of these in the lobby, but don't look too closely.
You have some big-ass pores.
And that's the good news.
Jesus, what's the bad news? Well, I may have made a small mistake on the Spanish version of the programs.
What? What happened? Well, my app forgot the little squiggly line above the "n," and so instead of saying that you're 45 years young, it may have said that you have 45 anuses.
Are you fuckin' kidding me? I go onstage in an hour! Well, what do you want me to do? Make an announcement? "Hey, everybody, listen up! "This guy only has one butt, "but don't be confused, 'cause he also uses butt cream on his face!" You think this is funny? This is one of the most important days of my life.
I got 1,000 Joy fans coming to see me.
Now they're definitely gonna think I'm a clown! How hard is it to do a goddamn program? Listen, I know that you're having some troubles with Mrs.
J.
Right now, and that you're nervous, but please don't take it out on me.
This has got nothing to do with Mrs.
J or you, Andrea.
Ababuo.
This has got to do with me.
And a very simple job I asked you to do.
Okay? Do I have to do everything myself? You're useless! Oh, no, you did not just call me "useless!" Oh, yes, I did! You are impossible! I have given you your spf, your stupid pillows, your ass cream, and your stupid coconut water! But I will not give you my soul.
I quit.
Fine.
[Door slams.]
And remember, this is up, down, help, and okay.
And remember to keep one eye on your buddy at all times.
Okay? Let's get our tanks on.
So, you, uh you don't want to see hubby's big speech this morning? We had a fight.
A big fight.
Total deja vu.
I had a huge blowup with my husband last night too.
Really? Sean, can I see you on the starboard side, please? Learn what "deja vu" means.
She's married? Yeah, to a geriatric who plays mah-jongg.
She's still married, Sean.
I mean, Jesus, what happened to the guy who judged me for having an affair? I have loosened up my morals and my swim trunks.
It might be the rum or the thruple experience, but feel free to fuck around.
I don't want to fuck around.
I want to be better than that.
Oh, yea, holier-than-thou Cathy on the high seas.
Yo ho ho, and a bottle of fun.
Fuck you, Sean.
Okay, let's get in the water.
Good morning, everybody.
My name is Paul Jamison.
I'm sorry I'm not Joy.
Lo siento.
I'm just a schlub that she met back in Minnesota.
I know she's the reason you're here today, for her, not for me.
Well She's the reason I'm here today too.
You know, I mean Usually usually I tell my story now about how I died of a heart attack and came back to life.
But I was thinking this morning, doctors did not bring me back to life.
Joy did.
She showed me everything that I could have and be, and I went for it, and that's why I'm standing here today in front of you, and I want you to ask yourselves the same question.
Why are you really here? [Resistors hiss.]
[Heart beating.]
Something made you want to try something different today.
Maybe you're stuck or afraid, and you're sick of it.
Got a hunch that maybe your life could be different.
You can be different.
We're all alone out here, people.
Put yourself first.
Joy showed me this big, bright, amazingly beautiful, muy bonita new world, full of possibility.
And she demanded that I pursue my dreams, and I do it without fear.
I recently parted ways with my assistant.
And she was in charge, among many other things, of this.
This it keeps my heart ticking.
It actually keeps me from going six feet under.
Now, I was thinking to myself, "Why would I put my life in somebody else's hands?" What kind of idiot does that? Joy Kleinman would not have approved.
Right? She wanted us to take control of our own destinies.
So, I'm standing here before you today with a renewed sense of my own future.
You know, and it's time that we own our own destinies.
Anybody that's gonna get in the way of our joy, we tell 'em to go fuck themselves.
[Laughter.]
I guess that's the same in any language.
[Audience agrees.]
We only have a limited amount of breaths, right? How are we gonna use 'em? Crying over that terrific woman, or living the life that she wanted us to lead? You ladies I know that you ladies you have your special Joy lipsticks in your purses.
Okay, I want you to pull 'em out right now.
Put it on.
You're gonna stand out.
Take chances.
We're gonna kiss life on the fuckin' mouth, that's what we're gonna [audience cheers.]
[Applause.]
Joy is not gone! She's right here with us, she's standing in that light that I experienced when I died, and we're gonna step into that light, and we're gonna say, "Hello, Joy.
" Audience: Hello, Joy.
- Hello, Joy.
Audience: Hello, Joy.
- Hello, Joy! Audience: Hello, Joy! - Hola, Joy! Audience: Hola, Joy! All: [Chanting.]
Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy! Hola, Joy!