The Boondocks s03e09 Episode Script

Hold on.
I just got out of the shower.
There's some juice on the table.
Mm-hmm.
Take your time.
You want to explain to me what you're doing here? I came looking for booty.
You came looking for sex with an underage boy? Oh, no.
I-I didn't come looking for no little boys.
I ain't got no milk, no cookies -- nothing.
I came looking for man's butt.
A "man's butt"? Excuse me? Oh, I know who you are, Chris Hansen, but, see, I calls you Chris "handsome.
" I watch your TV show all the time.
So you can go ahead and bring in them cameras and them police that's waiting outside.
It don't make me no difference.
Now, I tell you what.
I like you, and I want you.
Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way.
The choice is yours.
Well, I don't think you and I will be doing anything any kind of way.
Okay.
I-I see you choosing the hard way.
Okay.
Cut.
This isn't working.
Someone get this guy out -- oh! You gonna make me ruin that butt, Chris! No! I'm a -- I'm a warrior! I am the stone that the builder refused I am the visual, the inspiration that made lady sing the blues I'm the spark that makes your idea bright the same spark that lights the dark so that you can know your left from your right I am the ballot in your box, the bullet in the gun the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son the story that just begun the promise of what's to come and I'ma remain a soldier till the war is won chop chop chop Tom Dubois was widely known to be a friend of the gay community.
Tom was a crusader for gay marriage.
He marched in gay pride parades.
He watched gay movies and never once turned away or even made a face during the gay sex scenes.
Wow.
Sean Penn is amazing.
But beneath Tom's support of the gay community was a dark secret.
Tom had a fear of going to jail and being anally raped.
Hey, hey, hey, nigga.
You got a nice little ass, nigga.
Give me your ass, nigga.
Nigga, you see me looking at you.
Now give me your ass, nigga! No! Stay away! Hey, brownskin.
Brownskin, let me holla at you.
The phobia got so bad, he took a leave of absence from his job.
Eventually, he stopped leaving the house altogether.
Finally, Tom found a program specializing in his phobia, treating patients with a combination of group therapy My name is Tom.
And I have a fear of going to jail and being anally raped.
Hi, Tom.
Confidence-building affirmations My booty is mine.
It belongs to me.
You cannot take my booty.
And basic self-defense.
So when grabbed from behind, the first thing we do is drop our center of gravity.
Then we thrust our hips backwards and our arms forward, breaking the hold.
Okay, Tom.
Now I'll do you, and you try to get me off.
I can't! It was a long road to recovery.
This is the third time your boys have been caught fighting this quarter, Mr.
Freeman.
This time, it was a brawl against five other boys.
What happened to him? He got in the way.
You have two options, Mr.
Freeman.
The first is that both of your boys are expelled from school.
Ooh! I'll take that one! Pick that one, granddad! And, uh, what's the other? We send your boys to prison.
Hoo! Don't you think that's a little -- this is a permission slip for our "scared stiff" program.
Delinquent students visit a real jail so they can interact with real inmates and see the real future that awaits them if they continue with their pathological behavior.
Ooh! I changed my mind, granddad! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Pick jail! Please let me go to jail! Tom, do you have something you'd like to share with the group? Why, yes, I do.
My name is Tom, and I am no longer afraid of going to prison and being anally raped.
That's fantastic, Tom.
And to prove it, tomorrow I'm going to prison! Did he say? I've agreed to chaperone a "scared stiff" program.
I'm taking a group of troubled youths to prison so they can mend their ways.
Well, that's excellent, Tom.
Whoa, man.
Are you sure about that? Absolutely.
I'm looking forward to it.
See? Tom is going to face his fears head on, and he's going to walk out of that prison with his rectum and his piece of mind intact.
Way to go, Tom! Way to go, buddy! Anybody want to come with me? No? Okay.
Honey, it is great that you're making so much progress with the therapy, but I just don't want you to think you have to prove anything to anyone.
Oh, honey -- Sara: Look, I'm not worried about your safety, but I'd hate for you to have a bad experience and go back to how you were.
You know, I was thinking about becoming a defense attorney, but how can I do that if I'm too scared to step foot in prison? How would I meet with the clients? Wow, Tom.
I had no idea.
Imagine it, sweetie -- saving people from anal rape instead of sending them to it.
And that's what this trip is about.
These boys need this trip.
They don't fear jail at all, which means they'll probably end up there if no one does anything.
Don't you see, honey? If I'm afraid to live my life, then the anal rapists win.
My anus is gonna be fine.
And I'm gonna make sure those young boys' anuses are just fine, too! Pause.
Okay, guys.
Remember to stay with the group at all times.
And remember, nothing metal in your pockets.
The guards will take it away from you, and you won't get it back, okay? Okay.
This is it.
All right, all righty.
My name is Uncle ruckus, volunteer corrections officer.
Next stop -- Willie Horton maximum security prison.
Now, you white children be prepared.
This is gonna be like a trip to the zoo.
But do not worry.
Your Uncle ruckus will protect you.
And as for you Negroes, well, this just gonna be like a trip to the future.
So it should be exciting for everybody! Come on aboard! Okay, we got hmm, hmm, all right.
Wait.
Where's Riley? Riley, what are you doing? Nothing.
Give it here.
Come on.
Riley! I am very disappointed in you! Now, go get on that bus! We going inside, Mr.
Dubois! Anything can happen in there.
I gots to have my shank.
You want me to make you one? I brought an extra toothbrush.
Now.
Man If something happens, it's your fault.
Anything can happen in there.
If something happens, it's your fault.
We going inside, Mr.
Dubois.
It's tougher to shock kids nowadays.
They already know what goes on in jail But we do our best to scare the living [bleep.]
out of them.
I know some of y'all are here today 'cause y'all think jail is cool.
But, see, y'all wouldn't know nothing about that [bleep.]
Ain't [bleep.]
cool about jail, nyukkah! Ain't nothing cool about it! I've been here 10 years, and i ain't never getting out! Never! I ain't do much.
Just kill somebody.
That's all.
It ain't like the nyukkah didn't have it coming.
He sure did.
See, y'all think it's just about us in here, but this is about an oppressive [bleep.]
-up system designed to keep niggas down and [bleep.]
Y'all wouldn't know nothing about that.
What about you, little nigga? You know about that? Yes.
Oh? You know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that! The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests.
It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems.
It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent.
Psh! Nigga, did you just say what I was trying to say but smarter?! I like this little nigga.
But you left one thing out, little nigga.
Show of hands, how many people ever raped a man? Pause.
Uh-huh.
How many people ever been raped by a man? Pause again.
All of 'em! 100%! You can't get no higher than that, nyukkah.
You step in here, you get raped! Right up the [bleep.]
brown eye, baby.
That's right.
I raped a few niggas myself.
I didn't really enjoy it, not that much.
It felt good to the [bleep.]
though.
I didn't let that nigga kiss me or nothing, but I did tear that Ass up, nigga.
I ain't gonna lie about it.
But that's what the man's oppressive system did to me.
Now, me? I'm more of a romantic type.
I'll still rape you, but I'll definitely stroke your head lovingly while I do it.
See, 'cause I want you to like it.
Now, you don't have to like it, but I'll sorry.
I was distracted by that fine [bleep.]
right there.
What's your name, fine [bleep.]
I, uh don't think that's, um Tom.
Okay.
Now let's talk about Tom.
Tom is the type of nigga that gives us wet dreams up in here.
Makes my bones hot.
Medium brown, soft features, tall and in shape, but still soft and squishy.
Now, I like to put the jelly inside my ass, then put some of this peanut butter on top of it.
I call it a "peanut butter, jelly, and [bleep.]
sandwich," but Tom here will be calling it lunch! Yeah, nigga! You know what the system does when you come to prison? They strip you! They strip you mentally, emotionally, and they strip you naked! Butt-ass naked! The [bleep.]
is you looking at, nigga? Punch you right in your [bleep.]
Temple, nigga.
Beat his ass! Give me your [bleep.]
clothes! Beat his ass! You're supposed to be scaring the kids.
I said give me your [bleep.]
clothes! Start with your shoes, nigga! Hurry up! You need some help?! I got it! Aah! Now, you see this, kids? You really, really don't want this to happen to you, okay? And your shirt, too, nigga! Hurry up! Take it off! Okay, kids.
Y'all [bleep.]
looking, huh? Tom just got his [bleep.]
manhood tested, and he failed.
He should have knocked my [bleep.]
head off.
And you know what that means, don't you? Tom, you get raped! When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty.
Y'all better listen to him.
A man's butt.
Booty -- getting some booty is more important than eating food.
It's more important than drinking water.
If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here.
I likes you He like you! And I want you.
And he wants you! Now, we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way.
The choice is yours.
What you want, Tom? What's it gonna be? I asked you a question, Tom.
I can't hear you, Tom! I don't want to answer.
Unh, unh, unh, unh.
Excuse me? I didn't hear you, Tom.
I said I-I don't want to answer.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Sound like to me you want it the hard way.
Give it to him! Eeeee! Ooh! All right, everybody calm down.
Calm down! Now, we taking over the prison, so back up.
Back up You can't have my booty! Oh! Get him! Get him! And more reports coming in that hostages are being held inside the prison.
Oh, my God! I can't believe this! Hello.
911 emergency.
Oh, my God! Listen You have to help! Help me, please! Sir, please calm down.
What's your emergency? I'm inside William Horton maximum security prison, and they attacked the guards! I think there's a riot happening! They've got hostages, too.
Children! Oh, my God! I left the children! Sir, where did you say you were, again? I'm inside the prison! How long before the cops come in and save us? Well, I wouldn't hold your breath.
You know, I got a guy on the phone that says he's at Horton prison.
I-I don't know.
I'll ask.
Uh, sir, have they raped you yet? Have they raped No! What kind of a [bleep.]
-up question is that?! Hello? Hello.
You have a collect call from a correctional facility from Tom! Do you accept the call? Yes! Yes! Honey! Oh, Tom! What's wrong? I was in the prison, and Riley had a shank, and i -- I didn't throw it away, and then it started a riot! Damn it! Who let that booty get away? Don't look at me.
I was fighting with the guards! Well, what do we do now? Ask him.
It was his idea.
Thought y'all had some kind of escape plan worked out or something.
Wasn't no escape plan.
Uh, uh, booty is more important than escaping.
So I said to myself when I seen that shank, "this an opportunity for me to get some booty.
" That was it? Nigga, I thought you had demands.
Oh, I had demands.
I had demands to get some booty! I thought this was supposed to be some Attica-type [bleep.]
Now, how y'all think that make me feel? Y'all let the booty get away! Now I got to go hunt down the booty! Damn! To-o-o-o-o-o-m? Please, please Do what you want to them two little gorilla chimps over there, but leave these beautiful little white children alone.
Are you gonna rape us? Do we look like priests?! We ain't gonna hurt no kids.
Now, that's good.
That's good.
But it is okay if you do hurt them.
Hey, nigga! Hey, didn't I just say we ain't gonna hurt no kids?! So shut the [bleep.]
up, and let me think! No plan, huh? Hey, we didn't exactly put a whole lot of thought into this, you know what I'm saying? Guess we just kind of, you know, got caught up in the [bleep.]
Moment.
You have grievances, right? Like a [bleep.]
Well, you got hostages.
Might as well make the best of it.
Make a list of reasonable demands in exchange for the hostages, and this might all work out.
Hey, yo, what y'all think, niggas? Should we try to, like, uh -- you know what I'm saying and -- Like, uh, negotiate with these [bleep.]
for stuff? Well, there's definitely some things I'd like to see changed.
Me too! Well, if we gonna do this We need to do it right.
We can't just be acting like a bunch of wild, ignorant niggas out there just be shouting out demands and [bleep.]
We got a [bleep.]
black president now! Hah! Good lord! Baboon Bama will be in here soon, too.
Hey, hey, hey.
You ain't too fat and ugly to get raped [bleep.]
I apologize for my outburst.
I left the kids! I got to go back for the kids! Honey, just stay there! Let the professionals handle it! No! This is all my f-fault! I have to make it right! I love you, sweetie! Tom! No! Please don't be brave! Bravery isn't your thing! I love you, sweetie! If I don't come back, tell Jazmine that I-I Oh, God! Okay.
So all the motions brought before this [bleep.]
committee to add, uh, uh, uh, uh, a demand to the official list of demands will be ratified with a [bleep.]
Majority vote, nigga.
Unless that demand is vetoed from the committee chief executive, at which point, it will require a two-third majority vote to pass.
Well, who gets to be the Chief executive? I'm the [bleep.]
chief executive [bleep.]
I didn't vote for you! I thought this was a [bleep.]
Democracy, you autocratic [bleep.]
Come over here, and say that to [bleep.]
and I'll turn your Teeth upside down! The chief executive is a rotating office to be held by each member of the executive riot committee in order of prison I.
D.
Number, for a period not to exceed 90 minutes' time.
Well, wait a [bleep.]
damn minute! Who the [bleep.]
is this executive riot committee?! Us! Oh, yeah.
Right.
Okay.
Good.
First motion to introduce a demand for "rafification" -- all in favor of bitches? Brother Huey, let the record show that the motion is passed.
Yeah! Please add "bitches" to the official list of demands.
Okay.
Next motion.
White bitches.
Wait.
Isn't that covered in "bitches"? Hold up! Bitches and white bitches is two different things! Well, then we have to go back and amend the previous demand to specify white bitches.
Why we all got to have a white bitch because you got a white bitch?! To me, it's a wasted demand! They ain't never gonna give us a white bitch! They never give us one if we don't ask! We got to stand up and not just demand bitches, but white bitches.
Well [bleep.]
it then! I want me an Alaskan bitch! Beggars can't be choosers [bleep.]
We already asking for bitches, all right? We have white hostages.
We have the strategic leverage to get white bitches! Man, y'all being too picky, man.
A bitch is a bitch.
That's what I'm saying.
Man, look, look, why can't y'all just shut the [bleep.]
up and be happy with whatever bitch we get up in here?! I guess you never heard the phrase "yes, we can"! It's my god-given right as an inmate to have a white bitch! That's not a god-given right for an inmate.
Or anyone one else, really.
Oh.
Well, I may not have a god-given right to white bitches, but I do have a god-given right to ask for white bitches.
Hey, man.
The nigga do have a point.
Yeah.
I guess.
White bitches do Hey, he's right.
Motion to add "white bitches" to the official list of demands.
Everyone in favor? Motion passes.
Please add "white bitches" to the official list of demands.
Okay, next motion.
Aah! Nah, nigga, I'm telling you.
They getting bitches in here.
As soon as they get the bitches in here, I'll stop tapping your ass.
Okay, so the list so far is -- bitches, white bitches, Asian bitches, Brazilian bitches, East Indian bitches, west Indian bitches Psst! Ruckus? Come on.
Puerto Rican bitches, broadband Internet porn, k.
Y.
Jelly, condoms, Viagra, people magazine, and Alaskan bitches.
Isn't there anything else you guys want? You may never get this chance again.
Anything else? I thought that's what the people magazine was for.
No, nigga.
I'm gonna knock that down, too.
What about an end to the outsourcing of prison labor to private companies? I like that.
Yeah, yeah.
That's not bad.
Or what if we keep doing the work, but they pay us in white bitches? Yo! That's crazy! Man! That makes sense! Man! White bitches! I love 'em! Come on.
Follow him, white children.
Niggas know they way through prison6 you know what? I would love to be paid in white bitches.
I mean, we can Hey, yo, nigga! Where the hostages? Yo! Where the [bleep.]
hostages, nigga?! Thank God.
Is everyone all right? There's a service exit not far from here.
Oh.
My precious little white children.
I told you y'all would be safe with your Uncle ruckus.
Ruckus, where's Huey and Riley?! Where they belong, with the convicts.
You left Huey and Riley?! 'Course I did! You guys go ahead.
I t to go back.
Tom! Tom, are you crazy? Tom! Stay away from that tossed-salad guy! You got peanut allergies! My booty is mine.
It belongs to me.
You cannot take my booty.
Aah! Steam.
To-o-o-m.
Come out to pla-a-a-a-y.
Ow! So you want to do it the hard way, huh? I got it for you hard.
Ugh! Don't drop the soap, Tom.
I want that booty, Tom! You can't have my booty! Oh, yeah, I can! The booty is mine! It belongs to me! You cannot take my booty! The booty is mine! It belongs to me! You cannot take my booty! That's what you think.
Unh! Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Come on, Tom! Unh! Aah! You can't have it! Aah! Aw, man! Yo.
Them niggas left without us.
Ain't that a bitch.
Whose job was it to watch the [bleep.]
hostages? You forgot to assign it to someone, Mr.
chief [bleep.]
Executive! Did y'all know about this? If we did, do you think we'd still be here? Well, what are gonna do with a list of demands and no hostages? We got them.
Man! We won't get any strategic leverage with them two.
I motion we end the riot, disband the executive riot committee, and surrender to authorities.
Okay.
All in favor of ending the riot? Motion passes.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this right.
Do the, uh, jelly go inside your ass? You know, I spend a lot of all the [bleep.]
I could have done.
I mean, I wake up in the morning, and I think, "I could have been the [bleep.]
"President.
" Nigga, I wish things would have been different.
I mean, I'd do anything in the World just for things to be different.
I guess I'm just gonna be raping niggas' asses for the rest of my Life.
Haaaaah! Boys! Boys, are you okay? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yes.
I'm okay.
For the first time in a long time, I'm okay.
Of course you okay.
You ran! How the chaperone gonna run, Mr.
Dubois? Huh? Leave the kids -- save yourself? Is that what chaperoning mean to you? I can't believe this is supposed to scare me.
A prison full of bitch-ass niggas.
The convicts is bitch-ass niggas.
All they did was vote.
The cos was bitch-ass niggas 'cause they just fell over.
And, Tom, youse a bitch-ass nigga, too, 'cause all you did was run.
They wouldn't know what to do with a real nigga like me up in here.
Lucky for them, I'm a little kid so they can't put me in a real jail.
They got to put me in a jail for, like, real nigga little kids.