The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, Granddad, let me ask you a question.
What did you think about my dad when you first met him? I didn't like him.
But you did grow to love him.
Nope.
Your mom just texted me.
They're on their way back from that women's march.
What the hell are these women marching for? I think it's about abortions.
Usually, that's when women get mad, is when somebody tell them they can't have abortions.
All I know is that any time I ask Maxine what she's marching for, she gets all riled up and mad at me.
And she says "If you don't know, then you part of the problem.
" And then I laugh.
Man, I guess I am kind of part of the problem.
JOE: I know why they march.
See, a whole lot of women voted for Trump, and a whole lot of other women are angry at those women because they feel like those women aren't being the kind of women that they feel they supposed to be.
See, it's all very confusing, but the point is, it ain't got nothing to do with us men.
Yeah, I don't like when they group us all together and make it sound like all men are misogynists or rapists just trying to keep women down.
When it's really only 45% of us that do that.
(Cynthia laughing) Hi, guys.
- JOE: Hey.
- Oh! That march, it was incredible.
They had speeches and music and Lena Dunham.
She had a T-shirt on that just said "Vagina" across it.
Ooh, there was something weirdly powerful about it.
Ooh, yeah, that march was inspiring.
I have never seen so many masculine haircuts on women.
It was cute and confusing.
You should've seen Mom out there.
She chanted louder than all of us.
Oh, I've never seen you so excited.
Well, I just got caught up in the moment.
(chuckles) Hey, Grandma, you got some Lemonheads? Ooh, you know I do, precious.
- Yes! - Here you go.
You know, I'm so glad that we all went together.
It was really cool having three generations of women all standing united.
Hey, Maxine, what were y'all marching for? Uh, there are so many issues, Jerrod.
Women's rights are literally under attack.
And if you don't know that, then you're part of the problem.
(laughs): See? I told y'all.
Where's Nekeisha? She threw a can of Mountain Dew at a congressman.
So they kept her for a few questions.
She said it didn't have anything to do with his speech, it was a personal issue and he knew what he did.
Ooh, that Nekeisha, she's just a little firecracker.
VERNON: Evelyn? I'm tired of talking about women.
I'm hungry.
Go and fix me something to eat.
I was just talking.
Well, wrap it up.
Okay, Vernon.
Okay, okay.
How can he just talk to her like that? And you think I'm part of the problem.
Okay, Mom, we're gonna go.
Dad, I love you.
- JERROD: All right, Granddad.
- Peace, Granddad.
- CYNTHIA: Okay.
- JERROD: It's been real.
MAXINE: I had a great time today.
- Bye, Grandma.
- MAXINE: See you later.
- BOBBY: Love you.
- All right, black love.
Cynthia.
What is it, Ma? I'm thinking about divorcing your father.
VERNON: Evelyn, shut the door.
- We'll talk about it later.
- What? BOBBY: Hey, Grandma, you got a dead squirrel on the porch.
How could my mom ask me should she divorce my father? Who can answer that question? I can.
He's a terrible husband and her life will become exponentially better when she leaves him and his toxic energy behind.
Hey, y'all got any more of that chicken piccata? Jerrod, don't talk about your grandparents that way.
Yeah, that's their dynamic.
She does all the cooking and cleaning, he says nasty things to her and makes her feel worthless.
And by the way, I finished that chicken piccata last night.
Well, I like Granddad.
He's the only one in this family who doesn't judge me.
He doesn't ask me any questions about my life, so he has no idea how horrible I'm doing.
I'm sorry, Cynthia, but I have to agree with Jerrod.
I mean, the way your dad treats your mom, I think that she should leave him.
After 60 years of marriage? My mom is the happiest person I know.
She's always baking cookies and knitting.
Yeah, Ma, baking cookies and knitting is something you do when you're just trying to kill time until you die.
Trust me, every hand-knit sweater is made by a woman who's lost all hope.
But you know, Cynthia's right.
She can't leave him.
Do you know how hard it is gonna be for her to find a man her same age who doesn't have Parkinson's? You know I blame you for this, Maxine.
What? How is this my fault? Because you just had to push us to have three generations of women all marching together, getting empowered.
Well, empowerment is not for the elderly.
They can barely text.
You think they can handle a new identity? Clearly, your mother has been thinking about this for a long time; you don't go to a march at 3:00 p.
m.
and then, decide you want to get a divorce at 5:00.
Well, that depends on how good the march is.
What did Lena Dunham say to y'all? Also, isn't it a good thing that your mom feels empowered? I think it's great that she wants to try to make changes in her life.
That shows that she's still growing.
The elderly aren't supposed to grow.
Their minds are supposed to shrink along with their ailing bodies.
And I don't feel like my mother needs to be empowered because I've never seen her as weak.
She made a choice to care for my father and to raise her children, which is the same choice I made.
Okay, but Joe doesn't treat you the same way Vernon treats her.
I mean, he is, he is controlling and oppressive.
Which is what the women of that era were looking for, Maxine.
JOE: You know, back in the '50s, a violent and oppressive man, that was considered, like, a catch.
And if you could find a violently oppressive doctor, well, then, you were the luckiest girl in the world.
Real question: did women have self-esteem before Destiny's Child or not? Look, I know Grandma thinks divorce sounds good.
Because when you get divorced, people love saying things, like, "God will close one door, but he'll open up a window.
" But then you look through that window, and you see your ex having sex with everybody.
My mom just has to remember how good my dad has been.
I mean, I know he's demanding, but he has always been a great provider.
He has worked hard every day and he even built the home that we grew up in.
Yeah, well, Vernon is in that grey area.
You know, it's hard to tell your mom to leave a man who has redeeming qualities.
I mean, look, I was lucky.
My dad beat me and my mom.
So that gave us a lot of clarity.
Look, some grandpas are worse than others, but I think it's safe to say that all grandfathers are terrible people.
What? Jerrod, that's crazy.
Not all grandpas my grandpa was very sweet.
He always had candy.
Mm-hmm.
Pedophile.
Yep.
I mean, probably.
Who hurt you guys? Our grandfathers.
Hey y'all.
Sorry I lost you at the march.
Yeah, what happened with the congressman? Oh, we good.
It was just a little misunderstanding.
He thought just because he was busy reforming healthcare, he didn't have to text me back.
Nekeisha, are you, uh, dating a congressman? Mm-hmm.
From the 99th District.
Just trying to make change happen.
What's going on in here? Well, my mother asked me should she divorce my father.
What do you think, Nekeisha? Well, I think divorce is great.
Look at me, I'm divorcing my way to the top.
I went from Bobby to a congressman.
I'm just one divorce away to being the first lady.
Divorce isn't right.
I mean, you make a vow before God.
It should stand for something.
Right, and it should mean something, Mama.
And you tell that congressman he has lost the Carmichael family vote.
I don't know, I kind of like what he's doing - with the district.
- I like what he's doing with the healthcare.
Look, Cynthia, I know that you don't believe in divorce, but there are valid reasons to end a marriage.
I mean, I would leave Jerrod if I felt like I wasn't being supported or if I felt like I wasn't being loved or if we fell out of love.
And I'd leave Maxine if she got sleep apnea.
I mean, I can deal with a lot of things, but I don't mess with sleep apnea.
Well, if everyone adhered to your loose guidelines, half of all marriages would end in divorce.
Uh, they do.
Half of all marriages do end in divorce, Ma.
Maxine, what have you done? Your generation has ruined the sanctity of one of our most beautiful traditions.
Well, I bet the gays don't get as much divorce, 'cause they fought so long to get married in the first place.
You ever stay longer at a place 'cause it took you a while to find a good parking spot? See, that's gay marriage.
I don't understand why divorce has such a stigma.
I mean, we should celebrate people who have the courage to emotionally destroy someone for their own benefit.
Well, look, I applaud anybody that sticks it out through the hard times.
Like, take Mom and Dad for instance.
Last month, Dad told Mom that he had a secret son that he lied about for nearly 40 years.
She could've left.
But she didn't.
And look at them now.
They're more in love than they've ever been.
That's what marriage is all about.
Uh, thank you Bobby.
Thank you very much.
Well, that was a difficult few days, but your mama made it through.
Hold on now, what do you mean, "It was a difficult few days, and we made it through"? Well, no, no, no, see, w-what I was, I was I mean that, like, in a good way, I was saying.
We, us, as a, you know, as a couple.
We made it through, together.
No, we are trying to make it through.
Okay.
You know what I meant though? See, I was trying to say as-as-as-as-as testament to our relationship (clears throat) you were strong enough to forgive me, you know.
And, uh, the rest is, the rest is like water under the bridge, it's JERROD: Dad, Dad, you've got to stop talking, man.
CYNTHIA: Joe, no, it is not just water under the bridge.
I cannot believe you just said that! You know what? Maybe these kids are right.
Maybe divorce should be an option for everybody.
You know, I just I got to get out of here.
C-Cynthia, Cynthia.
- Don't you follow me.
- Cynthia! Cynthia! Don't you listen to these kids, these dumbass kids.
They stupid! I'm not gonna apologize for what I said, but I will apologize for the tone.
Mama.
Hey, sweetie.
Look, I'm making one of those pussy hats the women were wearing at the march.
Hey, you want me to make you one? A pussy hat? Mom, stop saying that word.
It's so embarrassing.
Listen, you cannot leave him.
You can't get a divorce.
That's crazy.
You're just ruining my whole life.
Don't you come in my house acting like a teenager.
I am not acting like a teenager! I just hate this family! (stammers) What has gotten into you? You lucky you too old for me to send you to your room.
Oh, Mom.
(clicks tongue) Oh, baby.
Mama, you really want to divorce him? I don't know.
It's hard to imagine life without him.
VERNON: Evelyn, there's a Mexican in the yard.
Sometimes it's easy.
How long have you been thinking about it? VERNON: Evelyn, he's blowing leaves.
It's been awhile.
Ma does it make you weak if you give up on a marriage or is it weak to stay in one that you're not happy in? Baby, I don't know.
That's why I was asking you.
(sighs) Joe, he has a son from before we were married and I only found out a month ago.
I haven't told you because it's been so painful.
I I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry, baby.
I raised you to be a good wife and stand by your husband, just like I was taught by my mother.
But maybe I should've been telling you that your own happiness is just as important.
See, I'm just learning that myself.
I don't know what would make me happy.
(sighs) I just know it hurts.
(clicks tongue) Oh, precious.
Mom.
I know, baby, it's okay.
VERNON: Evelyn, he's still here! Do something.
Daddy, we're in the middle of something! Hey, Jerrod, I been meaning to ask you this.
Do you shave your chest? (knock on door) What do you boys know about blood pressure medication? Mom still not home? No, she spent the night with your grandparents.
Now, she usually puts the right pill on a napkin next to my breakfast.
I-I'm trying to figure out if I got high blood pressure or low blood pressure.
I know your mama got one of them and I got the other one.
I guess that's why y'all boys got normal blood pressure.
Well, just take them all.
At your age, there's no wrong pill.
You got any sandwiches? No.
I don't just keep premade sandwiches around my apartment.
Well, your mama usually makes me lunch, so I'm starving.
All right, fine.
What kind of bread you want? We got organic whole wheat or sprouted flax loaf.
Uh, forget about that.
Just give me the meat.
JERROD: What kind of meat? You want low-sodium turkey or tempeh bologna? What is happening to this country? Never mind.
Dad, what are you gonna do about Mom? Shoot, I don't know.
I'm trying to figure it out, but I'm so damn hungry.
If I could get some protein in me, maybe I could save my marriage.
Okay, Dad, I don't think protein is your problem.
Oh, what do you know about relationships? Your generation got it too easy.
What are you talking about? It's exhausting being a good boyfriend these days.
You had it easy.
You started dating before the age of social media.
Now, being a good boyfriend is a 24-hour job.
I got to respond to her on Instagram, check out her Snaps, send unsolicited happy texts that say, "Thinking about you" when I'm not.
I-I bet you if you look into it, you'll see a correlation between the rise in the suicide rate and boyfriends having iPhones.
I don't know what your mama wants from me here.
I mean, she knows I'm sorry.
Yeah, but, Dad, maybe that's not enough.
You know something, Dad? Maybe you should kill your illegitimate son for her.
Hey, man, look, I thought we was brainstorming here.
You say something, then I say something.
Look, somebody else go.
Hey, Dad, is that a Band-Aid on the back of your head? Yeah, I cut myself shaving this morning.
Your mom usually takes the head and neck hump.
(sighs) Dad you're gonna die without Mom.
Yeah, I know.
I got to find a way to work through this and convince her that I still love her.
Ooh.
(whoops) Man.
Well, I figured out it's low blood pressure that I got.
(sighs) (groans) You think he's okay to drive? Yeah, he took both pills.
He'll be fine.
You know, one of these days a Muslim ban is gonna stick.
I just hope I'm alive to see it.
(knock on door) Hello, Joe.
We know about your son.
Well, I figured as much.
Evelyn, I need to speak with Cynthia.
She's not here.
Go away.
Joe, what are you doing here? Look, Cynthia, I'm sorry for not understanding.
And I want to make this better for you.
Joe, this is all so hard.
And I need you to understand.
You didn't get anyone pregnant on your way over here, did you? (chuckles) Vernon, just eat your cookies.
Mm.
Joe, just because I don't talk about it all the time, doesn't mean that I'm okay.
I mean, there are times when I'm angry and sometimes I'm sad and confused, and then, there are days where I think it's getting better, but others, it gets so painful.
I-I feel I can, I can barely take it.
Well, look, I'm sorry.
I'm not proud of this.
I guess it was something I just thought I could get behind me, but I realize that's not gonna happen now.
So, I'm here, Cynthia.
And anything you need to do you want to get angry or sad or throw things at my head whatever you need.
I realize now there's no end to this.
I'll end it.
Evelyn, get my gun.
EVELYN: Vernon.
At least Joe's here, wanting to work through their problems.
He can admit his shortcomings and-and be sensitive to her needs.
Oh, you like it because he's sensitive? You know what that makes him? A homosexual.
- Daddy! - What? You'll see.
(chuckles) One day he's gonna move down to Miami and just let it all hang out.
Daddy! Vernon! Vernon, just shut up.
Just shut up right now.
You're disrespectful and out of line and it stops right now.
Don't talk to me like that, woman.
Cynthia, you two go on home.
- Are you sure? - EVELYN: Yes.
You and Joe have something worth fighting for.
Thank you, Mom.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, too, Daddy.
Y'all be good to each other.
But wait a minute, I want to see what happens.
Come on, Joe! Have you lost your damn mind? Vernon, I'm leaving you.
What? (whispering): Hi, uh, Joe.
I think, uh, Cynthia left something.
I don't know how living together while being divorced can work.
Look, don't you worry, Grandma.
It's gonna be hard at first, but you'll get used to it.
You just need to lay some basic ground rules, like don't share food.
You let him go buy his own damn Lean Cuisine.
And if the hair trap needs to be cleaned out, don't you touch it.
It's her hair.
You let her do it.
And hide your exfoliant.
Now, he gonna act like he don't know what it is, but when you get home, all your products gonna be missing and his skin's gonna be mysteriously soft.
Look, Granddad, this is more of a tip than a rule.
When she starts sleeping with other dudes, and she will, you get you some Bose headphones so you can just drown out the sound.
And the only thing you got to worry about is the pain of knowing what's happening in that next room.
I hope I die soon.