The Detour (2016) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Man: That's one hell of a landing, bro.
- Well, thank you.
- And you never piloted a plane before? Nah, but I got a natural aptitude for it.
Shit, I would have liked to have seen that.
Bet you a lot of people would have liked to have seen that.
That'd be like me trying to argue in front of the Supreme Court.
- Upstairs, bro.
- [Chuckles.]
You landed that shit right in the trees.
No doubt.
You crashed it right into the trees.
Ahh it was a controlled crash.
Captain Sully'd that shit.
- Shit.
- Bit of a plane guy.
- You're not.
- Yeah? He's not.
Aah! [Breathing heavily.]
Oh, wow.
Give it up for us, huh? Got a couple bumps and bruises, but You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah, damn right you're fine 'cause we're the Parkers and nothing stops us, no way, no how.
And look at this spot, huh? You would have to hike for days to get in here.
This is pretty special.
- Honey, you don't have to do this.
- Yes, I [bleep.]
do, okay? 'Cause we just survived a plane crash, all right, and my adrenaline is pumping.
This is our second chance at life, all right? Get excited.
Whoo! Whoo! Come on.
Do the "whoos.
" [Weakly.]
Whoo.
Yeah.
Makes you feel good 'cause we're getting out of here alive.
Except Sleepy.
What? No.
He's gonna be fine.
Like I told you, he's just a little dehydrated, okay? Look at me.
Nobody dies on my watch, okay? Now, I got a pulley system all rigged up.
I'm gonna get him down here, and we're all gonna walk out of here to safety.
Where's safety? It's, uh up.
Somewhere behind that mountain, there's a place I'm thinking we should go.
And that place is that town we saw from the plane.
So, pitter-patter, let's get at 'er, huh? We're gonna get him.
We're gonna follow that river all the way up.
Hopefully it snakes left.
- Snakes? - I say we follow the river down.
- Down to where? - To the ocean.
- Ocean's that way.
- No, it's not.
Yeah, it is.
Never Eat Soggy Waffles.
"Waffles" equals ocean.
Well, the river's going that way, and all rivers lead to the ocean.
Where did you learn that logic, some fortune cookie? Rivers also lead to ponds and lakes.
And some dry up, and most go underground.
Family vote who wants to go down? - Both: Down.
- Down it is.
You're just saying that because it sounds easier.
The family's voted.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay, well, I veto the vote.
You can't veto the family vote.
I can veto the vote when it's a stupid vote that has a better chance of getting us killed.
Oh, my God, you just said no one dies on your watch! And you won't if you listen to what I'm saying, okay? Now, I'm going to get Sleepy, and we're all walking out of here alive.
- Oh, shit! - Jesus.
- Oh, God.
- Guys, don't worry.
He's gonna be fine.
[Branches snapping.]
- Aah! - Oh, God.
He's probably still alive.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Can we please just go find this town? I am not leaving a man behind.
You literally are.
Behind without some sort of proper burial.
And since I don't have a shovel, we're gonna cremate him.
We should just leave him for the bears to eat.
He is a human being, for God's sake.
He's not part of the food chain, all right? So let's show him a little respect and decency before we light him on fire.
I'm gonna say a couple words.
Bow your head.
Kids, bow your head.
No, guys, you don't have to.
[Sighs.]
- Dearest Sleepy - His name's Morty.
It was a nickname he liked.
Give him that.
[Sighs.]
Dearest Sleepy, you were a fine, fine fine man.
How do you know, honey? You didn't even know him.
We had a nice chat for like an hour last night, okay? And he made those instructional videos for everybody to learn how to fly a plane.
And I don't know I just got a good vibe from the guy.
I know, but for all you know, he could be a child molester.
- Stop.
Stop it with this, please, okay? - I'm just saying.
Don't ruin my first eulogy.
He was a nice man, okay? Okay.
Dear, kind, nice Morty "Sleepy" Timmins, - I pray - Are you crying? [Voice breaking.]
Please.
I always cry at funerals.
Before we set your body ablaze, I pray that you have an incredible sleep on that heavenly mattress in the sky.
Amen.
Good night, my friend.
Amen.
Oh, wait.
Hold on.
Hold Wait.
- You're lighting it with that? - Him, and yes.
What else would you like me to use? - That's our last flare.
- It's our only flare.
So, you're gonna use our last flare to light him? Stop staying "last flare" like I'm running around wasting flares, okay? There's only one.
And you're gonna use it for that.
What else would you like me to use it for? I don't know.
Maybe to signal a plane? Planes fly at 35,000 feet.
How high do you think this goes? I don't know, buddy.
You tell me.
I don't know, either, buddy, okay? But I know it doesn't go 35,000 feet.
So, if you're done with all this, - I'm gonna lay my friend to rest, okay? - Okay.
[Sighs.]
Good night, sweet prince.
[Flare gun fires.]
Oh, shit! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Damn it! Nate! I-I was aiming at him.
Kids, come on.
No, listen, he was an old-fashioned guy.
- Come on.
- I'll rub two sticks together, and we'll make a fire the old-fashioned way.
You okay? You okay? It's a dead body.
Guys? Guys? Hey.
Hey.
Guys! Hey.
Hey! You can't just storm off into the Alaskan wilderness, okay? Everything out here can kill you.
Oh, my God, again, you just told us we weren't going to die.
I lied to make you feel better 'cause that's what you do as a good parent.
- What's gonna kill us? - Everything.
What do you want, a list? Giant mosquitoes, crevasses, avalanches, a pack of wolves, a single wolf.
- Snakes? - No.
It's too cold for snakes.
You don't have to worry about snakes.
I kind of want to worry about them.
Why would you worry about snakes when there's so much else, like bears? Black bears, brown bears, grizzly bears, polar bears.
There's no polar bears here.
Did you not retain any of the lessons you homeschooled us with? No.
Because I'm an idiot.
Let's go.
- Hey.
Stop.
Stop.
No.
- What? - Get back here.
- What? I need your help.
I'm sinking, and I can't move.
Well, climb out.
What do you think, I'm having a spa treatment in here? I can't move.
Th Oh, God.
I think this might be quicksand.
Oh, my God.
It's mud.
It's not mud.
I'm sinking and can't move.
It is quicksand.
Are you in an '80s cartoon? It's mucky gunk.
Just climb out of it.
Who cares what you call it? I'm sinking, and I need your help.
Is quicksand gonna kill you? It wasn't on the list.
Then add it to the list, okay? And help me.
Help! Okay.
If there's one thing I know about quicksand, it's you got to fight it.
[Breathing heavily.]
It's like a land riptide.
Just got to fight it! Get some! [Breathes heavily, whimpers.]
Boy, throw me a stick.
Oh.
Uh, well, what kind of stick? Anything, just long and sturdy, okay? You're gonna use all your muscles to try to pull me out.
Well, hold on.
Why did you ask him to do that? - What? - Why not me? - Or me? - 'Cause he was closest.
No.
I was closest before he moved.
Are you implying that my request is sexist? Very much so, yes.
And do you think I give a shit about that right now? All right, yeah, let the boy do it because we know boys are stronger, right? - Go ahead.
- I never said that.
Well, we're only stronger 'cause of social expectations.
Testosterone is just patriarchy in hormone form.
[Groans.]
Ugh! - Oh, God.
- Aah! All right, all right, listen.
I'm gonna show you the true meaning of girl power.
- Ready? - No.
I can't get my hands out.
Aah! Shit! You're both shitty at throwing! Ow-w-w-w! Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna form a human ladder.
Fast, okay? 'Cause there's worms going in my urethra.
And you're gonna pull me out like they do on the "Ninja" show.
They don't do that on that show.
Okay, then on the other show that comes on after it that we don't like as much, all right? Okay, Jared, you go first 'cause you're lightest.
- Quit weight-shaming me.
- Oh, my God.
Okay.
Then you go.
Men do the dangerous stuff.
Typical.
- Well, I can't go.
- Typical atheist selfish to the core, with no moral compass.
Quit it with the identity politics! There's worms going up my dick! - Here.
Grab the stick.
- [Grunts.]
Here we go.
Okay.
Yeah.
Good.
Okay.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Brace yourself.
- Brace yours - I am bracing myself.
[Grunts.]
Yeah! Big muscles! Go! - Oh, God, I'm tipping! - Shit! - I'm tipping! - That's it.
- Brace me.
Brace me.
- What does that mean? - Please help! - Okay, here.
Take my boot.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
No! Don't No! - No.
- Ohh.
I got the stick.
- I got the stick.
- The stick is useless.
- I got the stick.
- Get off of me! - Aah! - Hold him.
Hold him.
Idiots.
Here we go.
We got it.
[Birds chirping.]
[Sighs.]
Hey.
Look, I know this is rough, all right? But I promise you guys we're gonna get through this.
I promise you, okay? But we got to stick together.
We got to keep our strength up, so I foraged us some some berries, some wild mushrooms.
No.
We're not gonna eat mushrooms, honey.
We could end up poisoned or high on a mountain.
I know what edible mushrooms look like, okay? And they're delicious.
- Ohh.
- Ew.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's [Sniffs.]
That's pretty good.
And it helps with the energy.
I really think you should try some.
- No.
- No, definitely not.
Berries? - No.
No.
- No.
Definitely not.
All right.
I was saving these for later, but we're gonna need the strength to get up that mountain, so, uh Got some extra lollipops in my pocket.
A little sugar boost could do us good, huh? And Oh, shit.
Forgot I had this.
Stripper gave The [clears throat.]
hockey player gave it to me.
Like a sign from God, you know? He said, "let there be fire.
" And there was.
You know, bodies don't burn very easily.
Oh, my God, you know the creepiest shit.
I'm just saying, you have to get them really hot.
Babe, fire hot, okay? Tatanka.
That means "buffalo.
" [Exhales sharply.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
Burn on, my brother.
Burn on.
May your ashes ascend to the [Thunder rumbling.]
Is that thunder? [Rain falling.]
- Aah! - That's - Oh, my God.
- Aah.
Oh, Jesus.
My God, what the hell is wrong with Alaska? Oh, God.
It's gonna blow right over.
[Coughs.]
Guess I'll have to drag him up the mountain.
Got to admit, though, sun shower it's kind of romantic, right? Oh, my God, no.
I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation.
All right, Sleepy, let's go.
Delilah: Where are we gonna go? Up the mountain.
Let's go.
Find another way, babe.
[Birds cawing.]
[Grunting.]
Oh, my God.
[Groans.]
[Breathing heavily.]
Thanks for waiting.
You ever heard of the expression, "You're only as fast as your slowest hiker?" Well, when your slowest hiker's carrying a dead body, you should maybe wait for him 'cause he's doing mankind some good.
[Exhaling heavily.]
Well, this view doesn't suck.
I think I see a "chickmunk.
" Chipmunk.
- Chickmunk.
- Chipmunk.
Alvin and the Chickmunks.
Chickmunk.
Chipmunk! [Chuckles.]
Chickmunk.
Chipmunk.
No.
It's just It's "chip," like you eat.
- [Laughing, snorting.]
- like, "chipmunk.
" What the hell are you laughing at? You all right? Is it, like, altitude sickness or something? What is wrong with you? What are you, high? [Snickers.]
What's this in my mouth? - That's your tongue.
- That's your tongue.
- Tongue.
- Ahh.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Try saying "tongue" without using your tongue.
- He can't do it.
- Tongue.
Mm.
You girls are gonna like these.
These are gonna get you lit! Where's Nate? Give these to Nate! - Oh, shit.
- "Tongue.
" I can't - Do it, though.
Do it.
- That's all I can say.
- No.
You can do it.
- "Ongue.
" Um, guys, where are these lollipops? This? [Laughs.]
Did you say these? [Laughs.]
He said these.
He said these? [Laughter.]
Delilah: Okay, okay, okay.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Shh, shh.
Dad, shut Okay, okay.
Shh, shh, shh.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
One more time for me.
You guys ate something that's altering your state of mind, okay? But I'm here for you.
I'm your spirit guide.
I'm gonna get you through this.
You're gonna be fine.
- I promise.
- What was it? Uh [clears throat.]
it was it was MDMA.
Molly.
Oh, my God, you fed drugs to our kids? - Wait.
We took drugs? - This is drugs? But what do drugs do? I mean, am I Is it doing it right now? Drugs are something that alters your state of mind.
Am I a time traveler? I've heard that before.
Yeah, 'cause I just said it 'cause you didn't understand it the first time.
- Understand what? - That drugs are something that - alter your state of mi - Alter your state of mind.
- He's got it.
- I knew it.
I've been here before.
I-I need to break the loop.
Okay, everyone calm down, please, all right? I can't have everybody freaking out.
About what? About being high in the Alaskan wilderness.
- Surrounded by snakes.
- Dude, come on.
Look around.
Do you see any? - See any what? - Snakes.
Snakes.
Snakes! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh.
Let's Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
Cool, cool, cool.
Cool it, okay? Be cool, okay? That was a stick.
Stick snakes.
Those are things.
I remember from the curriculum.
Wow, Mom, you have such a good memory.
Okay, hey.
Hey, everybody calm down, all right? Nice, deep breaths.
[Inhales deeply.]
And, dare I say, relax.
- Oh, say it.
- Say it, man.
- You can say that.
- Yeah.
Wow, you are high.
Okay, and I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but, um, try to enjoy this feeling, you know? Wow.
Yeah.
I hear it.
Hear what? - Yeah.
- I do.
I hear it, too.
What do you hear? - I hear the mountain beating - Oh, right.
The beating of the mountain.
Guys, guys, wait for me.
I'm such a good dancer.
Oh, you're such a good dancer.
Okay.
I forgot you're high.
Let's all do it.
You're dancing so good.
Yeah! You too! - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
That's it.
[Electronic music playing.]
Drugs are the best thing ever.
No, they're not.
I know you feel great right now, guys, but trust me [sighs.]
It's always just better for your body and mind to just always say no.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey.
I know what you're gonna say, but I'd love to do some more.
- Do you have any more? - No! Babe, it's like jumping in a river.
Once you're in, you can't get more wet.
Have you heard of O.
D.
'ing and, in your metaphor, drowning? Hey, kids, I'm gonna tell you something that squares like this guy won't.
Drugs are fine.
They're fine.
They help women deliver babies.
They help cancer people eat.
They make movies way funnier, sex way better.
Speaking of which, we should do it, absolutely.
- No.
- I'm rolling on Molly.
I can see that, yeah.
- I like touching you.
- I know.
I like touching your fur, your furry arms.
Those are my legs.
[Moans.]
You know what you look like? An alpaca.
You could be mayor.
I've always wanted to sleep with a mayor.
Our son is the mayor.
Don't say that.
That's gross.
- You said it.
- Come on.
Stick it in.
No, baby, sweetie, sweetie, no, no, no, no.
- What? - Come on.
Our kids are right there, playing with a dead corpse.
How you doing, Sleepy? Getting high, real high? I'm high.
Yeah.
Circle of life, man, between endless possibilities and our inevitable future, between what is and what's to come.
Now spit on it and stick it in.
Okay.
Is it in? Is it in? No.
- Is it in? - No.
- How about now? - No.
- Is it in now? - No, baby, no.
Now? [Sighs.]
Yes, it's in.
Well, see, that's nice.
This rope feels amazing.
It feels like silk, if silk was hard and coarse.
Mmm.
Ahh.
It tastes so good.
Here.
Have a lick.
When I'm gone, I'm gonna miss you most of all.
Where am I going? I'm going.
Where? Far away.
To that tree over there? Further.
To the other tree? I mean, he seems shy, but I'm sure we could be friends.
No.
Really, really far, and I'll be gone forever.
Yeah, I always thought you'd be the first one to leave.
Mm.
I'm gonna miss you, too.
All right.
Bye.
See ya.
Okay, guys, I'm outta here! What? No.
No, you're not out of here.
Wait.
Stay.
Stay.
Hey! Stop! Stop! Quit it with this running shit.
- Come on.
- Why?! You know how tiring it is to run up a mountain? You need bigger legs to run.
Here.
Borrow mine.
No.
Keep your legs on! Be cool, man.
Hey, I'm cool.
I'm cool.
I'm cool.
Here, Dad, dare me to throw my legs down the mountain? No! I don't! Should I give my legs to Sleepy so he can walk? No.
He's dead.
Am I a good mom? All: No! Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Okay, I hear all of you.
I think you're just tired and a little high, so we'll continue this conversation tomorrow.
You're not listening.
You're the worst mom ever.
And I'm well aware of the moms that poison their children for attention.
- Okay, get up.
- I am up.
- Right now.
Get up.
Get up right now.
- I am up.
We're gonna have a girl-to-girl talk right now.
- Let's go.
Come with me.
- All right.
No.
Wait.
Wait.
You're not going anywhere, either.
- What do you mean? - You're staying right here.
- We're staying together.
- Try and stop me.
- Literally.
- I Done, okay? I think we should all go our separate ways.
No! We stay together! Put your pants back on! - Dude.
- Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
- Come on, man.
- Stop.
[Indistinct arguing.]
- No! No! - I love drugs! Why would you do that? Sleepy wanted to go his separate way, - Yeah, that's nice.
Aww.
- Yeah.
[Grunts.]
Yeah.
Now you're gonna stay.
[Breathing heavily.]
Why do I stay? [Sighs heavily.]
[Echoing.]
Why do I stay?! [Echoing.]
Nate Parker rules! [Echoing.]
Whoo! [Echoing.]
Nate the Skate! [Echoing.]
All day! That was cool.
[Dramatic music playing.]
Definitely here, all right.
Sorry.
[Breathing heavily.]
Sorry.
I'm eight months pregnant, and this bowling ball is just, like, pounding on my bladder.
Ma'am, we think there's been a little foul play at work here with this family.
We only detect four sets of footprints two adults, two children.
Foul play? No, they're just a they're just a boring family of four trapped in the Alaskan wilderness.
Jesus Christ, how do I have to pee again? God.
- General.
- Whoa.
[All grunting.]
Whoa.
That's General Morty "Sleepy" Timmins.
He's one of us.
This shit just got personal.
Nate: [Echoing.]
Nate the Skate!