The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air s03e09 Episode Script

Will, I can't believe I took your advice about my TV campaign spot.
Uncle Phil, you really would have buried Judge Robertson if you would have let me put the Uh-Huh Girls in there with you.
It would have been like, "Banks is the right one, baby, uh-huh!" - Here it comes.
- Come, sit down.
Oh, and by the way, Uncle Phil I don't remember if I told you or not, but when I dropped the tape off at the editor I just, you know, authorized a few last minute changes.
You authorized a few Nobody gave you permission to authorize any changes.
No, but it's cool, Uncle Phil, you're going to love it.
Here it comes.
Hi, /'m Phi/ip Banks, and /'m running for Superior Court Judge.
What the hell is that? That was our New y ear's Eve party.
Uncle Phil, you know, I just put in a couple of home movies you know, to show your human side.
It gets better, check it out.
And if you put me on the bench, /'// take a rea/ bite out of crime.
Bite.
Vote for Phi/ip Banks.
Phi/ip Banks.
Emmy! Hey, so what do you think, Uncle Phil? Dad Will would like to know if he can please come in.
Come on, Daddy, at least let him sleep in the house.
Come on, Philip, he was only trying to help.
Come on, baby, come on in.
Look, Uncle Phil, I know we didn't exactly see eye to eye on the commercial - but I got a lot of positive feedback.
- Oh, please, from who? From Latisha.
She said you looked really handsome.
But she also thought Delta Burke looked better as a blonde.
- Hi, everybody.
- Hey, guys.
Baby, you are positively glowing today.
Thank you.
New moisturizer.
We can't all be as blessed as you are, Mom.
Trevor, that's so sweet.
But, honey, call me Mrs.
Banks.
Home of the Whopper, what's your beef? Yeah, right.
Okay.
Will, who is it? Some chicken here talking about she from the Oprah Winfrey Show.
That would be for me, homey.
Alexis.
Yes, so did you speak to Oprah yet? What, you mean this call's legit? Will, Trevor knows lots of very important people.
So, what about Oprah? Is it a deal? Super.
I owe you big time, babe.
This is Trevor Collins, goodbye and Godspeed.
What's all this excitement? What's going on? I don't know.
What's all this excitement? - We're all going to be on Oprah.
- We're all gonna be on Oprah.
And it's all thanks to Trevor.
Well Wait a minute.
Trevor, why should Oprah care anything about us? Well, actually, Phil, she doesn't, you're nobody.
But Alexis, the woman who books the show, is an old friend of Trevor's.
I kind of got the feeling she had a crush on you.
Well Actually, she had the cutest little nickname for me.
- What was it? - God.
Anyway, Alexis said I couldn't have called at a better time.
They're doing a show about political candidates and their families and she said that one of the families just dropped out.
So they're flying all of us to Chicago tomorrow morning.
I'm so excited.
I have always wanted to go to Chicago.
Wait, am I going to need a passport? All right, I got things to do.
I got to get a new fade.
I got to get some new shoestrings for my Doc Martens.
Oh, man.
I'm going to be on Oprah! Phil, I hate to bust the boy's balloon but Alexis said she could only book the immediate family.
You mean Will can't go? That's darned unfair.
And I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say: "What am I going to wear?" Philip honey, how can we disappoint Will? He's a part of this family.
No, Vivian, he's a part of your family.
I'm sorry, sweetheart, but he's damaged my campaign enough.
And the sooner we tell him he's not coming with us the easier it will be on him.
Hey, Mom, guess what, I'm going to be on Oprah.
And as soon as you tell him, let me know.
Morning.
Philip, honey, how come you're not dressed? We're leaving in an hour.
Oh, sweetheart, relax.
We have plenty of time.
So how did Will take it when you finally broke the news to him? I'm sorry, I couldn't tell him.
Fine, I'll tell him.
How difficult could it possibly be? So, what do you think? Have we met? Come on, Uncle Phil, I just wanted to fit in with you all when we go on Oprah.
Hey, look, Uncle Phil I got to tell you, man, taking me to Chicago with you that really means a lot to me.
Yeah, you know, Will, there And it ain't just because I promised Latisha I was going to scream her name out on TV.
It's because, you know, you really make me feel like part of your family.
Thanks a lot, Uncle Phil.
I guess I'll just go out in the car and wait quietly in the back seat.
- Well, that's telling him, Philip.
- All right, look he can go to Chicago with us and watch the show - but we have to tell him on the plane.
- Okay.
- Excuse me, sir, are you Will Smith? - Yes, stewardess.
Your family asked me to speak to you.
Wow, I'm sorry for staring, but man, girl, you real fine.
You know, I was a little nervous about flying, but as long as I can look at you, I know I'll be all right.
I'm sorry, what was you going to say to me? Can I fluff your pillow? Wow.
Look at this.
Vivian, this is absurd.
We're going to be on the air in 10 minutes.
We have got to tell Will now.
Oprah Winfrey's studio.
Hey, come on you all, let's get a picture.
Uncle Phil, I'll get you in one later.
Look, Oprah's chair.
I'm gonna send this to my mom.
Honey, couldn't we just put him to sleep? You must be the Banks family.
Hi, I'm Alexis.
Hi.
I'm glad you could make it on such short notice.
- Well, thank you for having us.
- Sure.
Listen, just make yourselves at home and I'll be right back.
- You have beautiful hair.
- I know.
So, that's Trevor's old girlfriend, huh? Yeah, wonder what he ever saw in her.
Okay, everybody remember, Dad's got an image to uphold here.
So let's conduct ourselves with dignity.
Look, Mommy, Daddy, look! You y ou're Oprah Winfrey.
- I am and that means you must be - Ashley.
It's nice to meet you.
- We're the Banks.
- Hey, great, you made it.
- Welcome to Chicago.
- Thank you, this is a real pleasure.
I'm Philip Banks.
This is Hilary, Carlton, Ashley and - Vivian! - Yes.
Hi, I'm a very big fan.
You sure are.
It's my pleasure.
Oprah, I always love your clothes.
And that's such a gorgeous suit.
Well, I tell you what, if you really like it, I will send you one in your size.
Wow! I always heard that you were generous, but Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
Me neither.
Gee, Oprah, I really like that diamond bracelet.
Nice try.
Hey, I tell you what, I'll see you guys on the show.
- Okay? See you on TV.
Have a good show.
- Thank you.
Hey, that's it.
That's the theme music.
Come on, it's time to go, posse up.
Come on.
Come on, guys, it's time to go.
- Philip.
- All right.
It's time to stop beating around the bush.
Okay, everybody who's going to be on the Oprah Show, take one step forward.
Not so fast, Will.
You know, all families have their problems, but how would you like to have your family's dirty laundry seen in tomorrow's newspaper? Well, that's an everyday experience for most political families.
Please help me welcome my guests today.
Sen.
Howard Lloyd his wife Pamela and their daughter, Lydia.
And Superior Court hopeful, Philip Banks his wife, Vivian, and their children, Hilary, Carlton, and Ashley.
So, Sen.
Lloyd, my first question is to you.
Now you've been a member of the Senate for quite some time.
Tell me I can't be on Oprah.
Hey, brother, you mind sliding inside my legs are kind of long, I'd like to sit here.
Oh, excuse me.
Philip Banks, you were a successful attorney with your own private practice in Beverly Hills.
And now, you're running for Superior Court Judge.
We all know that's quite a career change.
What do you hope to get out of it? I hope to make some changes in the judicial system and, well I've always wanted my own gavel.
Oprah, I have a question.
We're not ready for that portion of the show just yet, but, Mrs.
Banks - answer me this if you will.
- I'm Will, Oprah, I can answer it.
- Come here.
- Come? Me come? Come here.
Come on.
Okay, see, this is it.
I'm the one with the microphone.
And you can't answer a question until I ask the question.
You understand how it works? You ask then I answer.
It works like Good.
Now sit down.
Sit down.
My God.
Vivian, is that Will? No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon wearing a Will mask.
No, Mom, I think that really is Will.
So, Lydia, you've spent most of your life on Capitol Hill.
- Did that have any - Oh, Oprah.
Young brother what do you want? I was just wondering, is it the question portion yet? - Do you have a question? - Yes.
Okay, what is your question? I have a question for Sen.
Lloyd.
Senator, let's say that, you know, you had a young urban handsome nephew.
Would you let him come on the Oprah Winfrey Show with you? Well, I sure would, son.
And let me say, I love your Leslie Uggams.
Thanks.
- My next question is for Mr.
Banks.
- Two questions? Yeah.
Mr.
Banks would you let your nephew come on the Oprah Winfrey Show or would you make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothing to sit out in the audience, to be embarrassed in front of his girl.
Hi, Latisha.
Huh? And after I got out of Betty Ford I started a new life with the Maharishi Anaghanda.
You are so brave.
I mean, wearing red shoes with a pink dress.
I have a question for Mr.
Banks.
Has being in politics ruined your sex life? No, mine's great, how's yours, honey? Oprah, I have a question.
Will, I missed you.
Okay.
My question is for Mrs.
Banks.
Mrs.
Banks, let's say that your oldest sister, who sacrificed her whole life to raise you, sent her only son out to live with you and you promised to treat him like your own.
And just for the sake of argument, let's call him Will.
Would you bring him on the Oprah Winfrey Show with you or would you make him sit in the audience like you're ashamed of him? We're not ashamed of you.
It's just Sit down, shut up, and behave yourself.
Okay, let me take a wild stab in the dark here.
You all are related? Yes, Oprah.
See, it's all coming out, it's all coming out.
Anybody got a tissue, anybody? Thank you.
Yes.
Here, you poor sweetheart.
Blow.
You poor baby.
I mean, I think this is terrible.
This is y ou should go up there and be with your family, where you belong.
Don't you think so, audience? Go on up there and be with your family, where you belong.
Move, Ashley, move.
Thank you, Oprah.
You know, Oprah, there's a perfectly logical explanation for y es, yes.
Oprah, this guy can't even run his own home.
Why should he be elected to office? Excuse me, miss, but my husband would make an excellent judge.
He is a wonderful husband and a devoted father.
Well, Vivian, I must say that, yes, you're right.
This looks like it's a very lovely family, but I've been doing shows a long time.
And one of the things I've learned is things are not always as they seem.
Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy.
I mean, when I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house he let me live out back.
He kicked you out of the house? Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house.
He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.
Mr.
Banks, is that true? Well, I didn't change all the locks, and and she's not living out back, she's living in the pool house.
Well, with the big pay cut you'll have to take, we'll all be living in the pool house.
Look, you can forget it.
There's hardly enough room for Trevor and I, as it is.
What is Trevor doing in the pool house? Yes, Hilary, what is Trevor doing in the pool house? Yeah, this is good now, this is good.
I feel like we I think we're getting somewhere.
Listen to me.
Hilary, you are not to have men in the pool house.
Look, I don't like to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a make-up case there.
- That's a lie.
- Is not.
Stand on a chair and say that to my face.
You have both lost your American Express cards.
Do you want to work on your Visa? These candidates before you say they want to be elected to public office but it seems like they can't even keep the peace in their own families.
Mr.
Banks, what do you have to say on your family's behalf? Well, Oprah What's the point? - Look, Oprah, I have something to say.
- What a surprise.
Now, look, my uncle brought me out from Philadelphia to live with him so I could get a head start in life.
And, now, we have some problems, but what family doesn't? All I know is when I need these people, they are right there for me.
That's nice of you to say, Will.
Well, if you ask me your whole damn family is crazy.
All right, see brother, if we was in Philly, it might have to be something.
But we on TV and I believe Martin's philosophy non-violence, so I'm going to chill.
I'm going to chill.
And if your mama sent you out here to live with them then she's crazy, too.
Hey, man, don't nobody talk about my mother, man.
We'll be right back.
Hey, Ms.
Winfrey.
Will, I'll tell you what you know, after all we've been through, you can call me Oprah.
You got it, Ope Oprah.
You know, your initials, O.
W? Did anybody ever tell you that spells "ow"? I knew that.
Look, Oprah I hope I didn't mess your show up too much.
And I'm really sorry for the way I acted.
Listen, don't you apologize, because I'm thinking it was a great experience.
- Really? - Absolutely.
As a matter of fact, here What's this? Two free tickets to the Donahue Show.
Tell Phil Oprah said, "Hi.
" She likes me.
On the nationa/ po/itica/ scene Come on, we've heard enough, turn the TV down.
Come on, Will.
I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.
Will, you're smiling like Dad does when he finishes the Happy Birthday bucket at Baskin-Robbins.
Man, you scream your girl's name out on TV, you'd be smiling, too.
- Look, Dad, the poll results are up next.
- Oh, goody.
Come on, Daddy.
I bet being on Oprah really helped you in the polls.
I'm not worried.
You know, I was going about this all wrong.
I was trying to come across as the perfect candidate with the perfect family.
Voters want a candidate that's human, flawed.
And in /oca/ po/itics Phi/ip Banks has p/ummeted another 8 points in the po//s.
Oh, come on, honey, don't worry.
You're going to win.
Uncle Phil, you're going to win.
And you know why? 'Cause you're a decent man.
I mean, you brought a kid out from West Philly and you made him feel at home in your house.
I mean, there is no way that Judge Robertson can compete with that.
And in a re/ated story, Judge Car/ Robertson announced today that he is adopting 12 ghetto youths.
Oh, well.
You have both lost your y ou have both lost your American y ou have both - Oh, God! - You have just made the blooper reel.