The Great (2020) s03e09 Episode Script
Destiny
1
Do you have a plan of what to say?
- Peter's dead.
- This man is an imposter.
We also have pamphlets.
And we have Catherine the
fucking Great, a woman of destiny.
Of fierce intelligence and wit.
Packed into a delicious body.
- Her mind's the thing, you whore.
- You're so cunt-forward, aren't you?
They're like two angry
little cats in a bucket.
I always thought fucking the same
man should bring women together.
Does Grigor do that thing with the
two fingers and the humming vibration?
I think we have our answer.
I taught him it.
The introductory orgy for
the court 16-year-olds.
He does.
It is
w-weird when he does it.
The tune is what's weird.
It's like a marching band tune.
You're in the sensual heat and then
it's Bum-bum, bah-dum, bum ♪
Pum, pum, pum-pum, pum-pum ♪
Pum, pum, pum-pum-pum [LAUGHING]
Pum, pum, pum, pum-pum-pum-pum ♪
Still, he's a great fuck.
You're welcome.
We're here.
I have no idea what else to say.
It'll come to me. Unless it doesn't.
It will.
Does anyone have a kumquat?
I feel like a kumquat.
- Eye-fuck them when you can.
- Mm, of course you'd say that.
[QUIRKY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[REGAL THEME SONG PLAYING]
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Drive!
Fucking hell, that was intense.
You fucking German bitch!
I'm going to throw your
dead body at Peter's feet!
[GUNSHOT]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[WOMEN PANTING]
Thanks.
You're assuming I was aiming for him.
You all right?
They really hate me.
Appreciate no one trying to reassure me.
It didn't help when I stopped
speaking and started crying.
They smelt weakness.
[MAN PANTING]
MAN: For Peter!
There's a man running
alongside the carriage.
Should I shoot him or just
assume he'll get tired?
BOTH: Shoot him.
See? You can get on.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Because we've been in here for days
and now we're starting
to scratch at each other.
[GROANS]
I couldn't kill my own people,
Agnes. It's actually admirable.
Mm. I understand it.
Except for the bit where we were
so close to having Sweden back
and you bottled it because you
can't stand the sight of blood.
And now we're hiding in our room,
and every time I pick up a fork,
I think of putting it
down hard in your face.
[FORK RATTLES]
See? Scratching!
[GUNFIRE, CROWD CLAMORING]
Look, we should go out. Something's
fucking going on out there.
I don't think so.
If she was gonna kill
us, she'd have done it.
Right. So she doesn't want
to kill us, others might.
I feel good about it.
And Hugoland, I don't
think that's off the table.
Visionary idea.
I am the future. I know that.
Just not as expected.
I'm not some old king, I'm
something else.
I really feel weirdly good.
Like a new future is
out there to be picked.
I hate you.
That's impossible. Let's go.
Hugo.
[SIGHS]
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
What do we do?
- We join Peter.
- Peter's dead.
- Is he?
- Apparently. He is.
She says he is. But no body.
Apparently, Elizabeth
decided not to get it back.
I think it's fucking Peter out there.
It's the lookalike, Tatyana. Logic.
Peter was here when
this uprising started.
Was he?
Or was that a lookalike because he'd
left and she was covering for him?
Fuck.
That's interesting.
Think the things they don't
want you to think, Arkady.
- I don't quite understand what that means, but
- Means we leave.
Join him.
[EXHALES, SNIFFS]
Pugachev has taken Moscow.
Okay, thanks.
"Okay, thanks"? You did hear me?
I did. Pugachev has taken Moscow.
Fuck. Catherine.
Petrov, shoot them.
Will do. Head or ass?
One head, one ass.
Someone has to help her.
Not someone. Me.
I have to feed Maxim anyway.
Weird but sweet.
Elizabeth?
We have to ordain Paul.
He's Peter's son and
Catherine is in trouble.
We must act.
Do not try to play me.
Am I wrong in any way?
Is it done?
♪
- [CLICK]
- W-What are you doing?
It's not what it looks
like. It's a game.
None are loaded?
Well, one's supposed to be.
[GUNSHOT]
That one. Interesting.
[SIGHS] You okay?
To be honest, I'm a little
bit worried about you.
Can't put my finger on why, though.
[CATHERINE CHUCKLES] It's not funny.
What is going on?
You're paying no heed to the gravity
of your situation, and now this?
You need to pull yourself together.
- I'm trying.
- By putting a gun to your head?
It's a test.
I came to Russia, and I felt something.
A destiny.
Or I told myself a story.
A delusion to escape the fact Peter
didn't love me when I first got here.
So if it's destiny, I will
never pick the wrong gun.
That is mad.
If it's my destiny, then
Pugachev will not prevail.
But if it's delusion,
the people will hate me.
Tick.
He will advance and win.
I am going to shake you very hard
and hope that something in
your head clicks together.
I admit it's not a great time for
this particular existential dilemma.
Like a duck being pecked to death,
suddenly unsure if it needs its beak?
A fucking terrible time, I would say!
But it's in me.
Or rather, it doesn't feel like it is.
Look at Peter.
He had a story of some destiny
he had to have, but it wasn't.
It was a delusional story
that led him to his death.
You're not him.
What makes me different?
You have a destiny.
Funny. And true,
according to today's guns.
Where is Paul?
- Safe.
- You keep saying that.
I don't want to throw
him into this game.
He was born into this game.
No escape for any of us.
Mm. This is a good apple.
We need him ordained.
No.
[SQUAWKING]
- Angry?
- Shaking.
As is your reign.
Pugachev is pretending to be
Peter and calling you illegitimate.
You must ordain Paul,
be part of the line.
I'll think about it.
He's hanging his clothes
in Moscow tonight.
You don't have time to think.
Let me help you, because I do know.
You always seem to.
So why is this not your
destiny, this chair?
You are brilliant at all of it.
It is not for me.
You serve these men. But why not you?
Because it is not in you, or
because you have never imagined it?
Told yourself that story?
Catherine, I don't want to imagine
anything except you staying alive
and us not looking out that window
and seeing men running
towards the palace
to cut our pale, pondering necks.
Ordain Paul and move on Pugachev.
They all think he's Peter.
So I kill him, they all
think I killed my husband.
That is not the story I wish for Paul.
Or for Peter.
He wanted a legacy.
This cannot be it.
[SIGHS] Gosh.
It's hard, isn't it?
Being without him?
It's the everywhere he isn't.
Which is
Everywhere.
Yes.
[GRUNTING]
MAXIM: Marial, untie me!
You are a very bad wife.
I'm saving your life.
I need to make amends.
I've claimed to have killed
him and now I look like a fool.
You do look like a fool.
Unbelievable.
I thought we really got to
a good place as a couple.
Do I need to remind you
that you are a child?
I am your husband and
I will be respected!
I'd really love for you
to untie me, darling.
Marial!
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
[PANTING AND MOANING]
- Oh, you're amazing.
- As him!
[LIKE PETER] Uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh Tatyana, you're like silk.
Oh, yeah, yeah! And
you've always wanted me!
And I've always wanted you, you're
peaches and cream on a summer's day.
Oh, yeah, talk food! Yes! Yes!
Uh
- And you're mushroom
- Oh, yeah!
- str-stroganoff.
- Yes, yes!
Soufflé!
Has anyone seen Pu
um, I mean, Emperor Peter?
Ah!
Ah, Arkady!
Best friend and right-hand man.
Think of what we've
been through together.
Yes. I am.
Uh, friends, what do we say?
[FRIENDS CHANTING "PETER!"]
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
They hate her out there.
Pugachev is now in fucking
Moscow. [LAYS DOWN GLASS]
They're going to come and cut
our flesh into chess pieces.
If he's in Moscow, we're next.
Hence the chess pieces
comment. Can you keep up?
Grigor?
- Grigor, can you hear me?
- I'm thinking about Paul.
Yes, we're all thinking about Paul.
She needs to ordain him.
He didn't want that.
No one is ordaining him.
Marial's coming.
I thought you'd like the warning
during that slightly treasonous,
but thrilling conversation.
Stop eavesdropping!
I must say, Madame
Dymova, your passion is
- Ooh!
- Thank you, Petra.
Oh, you will thank me.
Really got myself into
a bad place with her.
Grigor.
Can we talk?
We are talking. The
married-to-each-other people.
- Talk to Maxim.
- I just saved your life.
- You did?
- My life is full of regrets.
I suspect that will be the biggest.
- Grigor.
- I'm not really following a lot of this.
We can't just give up on this.
I think you can, if you need
an outsider's perspective.
Shut up! Grigor.
Everyone's just saying words.
But they're just words, you know?
They float in the air and they
don't mean anything to me anymore.
Peter is dead. We are not.
Everyone is dead to me now.
I don't care about
either of you anymore.
Whoa. Sometimes he sees a
nail and he is the hammer.
It's unexpected and always gets me wet.
He meant that about you. Not me.
Did he, though?
Little tears welling in
your eyes say different.
Can you fuck off?
No. Because I live here with my husband.
Ugh!
- [GUN COCKS]
- Get off her!
[GEORGINA LAUGHS]
Stay there.
You're kidding me.
Do I need to remind you why?
Go on, then.
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Morning, Paul. How'd you sleep?
Don't eat that. I've
got an array of things.
Uh
pickled walnuts, some pigeon breasts,
some cheeses that taste
like ass your dad loved,
vodka-laced milk shot.
Oh.
Ah! Huzzah.
And while you feast Yeah.
Ah. [SNIFFLES] Your dad
had a great love of music.
He'd want me to make
sure you had one, too.
Eat and I will play.
[SIGHS]
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
Another win, my friends!
CROWD: Huzzah!
[LIKE PETER] And we will continue to win
as I am the true Emperor of Russia,
chosen by God!
CROWD: Huzzah!
And Catherine will soon be destroyed,
as she has proved
herself an agent of evil.
Uh, no one knows better
what a monster she is
than my best friend, Arkady Vasilovich!
[CHEERING]
My heart swells to be back with
my best friend, Peter the Third!
[CHEERING, STOMPING]
Hey, a party to celebrate!
For tomorrow, we rally with
thousands of our brothers
and we take this fucking country back!
[CHEERING]
Wake up, you fat fuck!
- Huzzah!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
Everyone will dress nicely
and I will fuck anyone
at court who demands it.
I do!
Ah.
Uh, where's Jean-Pierre?
Crepe, anyone?
I'm a little bit upset.
You said just the once.
It's political, Arkady.
Georgina did it for
Grigor, and I do it for you.
You know it's not really him?
I do. I think.
But we are finally number
two, so you're welcome.
[LIKE PETER] Hors d'oeuvres,
foie gras, oysters,
with that, uh, pink onion juice, uh
Arkady, go through the rest
of the menu with Jean-Pierre.
Yes, of course, Peter.
Huzzah.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Hmm.
Your dad had his own
particular sound I,
unfortunately, can't replicate.
And you'll never know that sweetness.
- PAUL: Pussy.
- Ah!
Huzzah, Paul!
Hey!
Vodka-laced milk shot.
Yes. Yes!
Hmm.
Fabulous blood clots.
Glad you're entertained.
I just need something for the pain.
The vodka's not doing it.
Why don't I just kill you?
Funny.
Take three of these daily,
should be fine in a month.
What?
No. My father had this same thing.
He died of it.
Hmm. We worked out how to
cure it a couple of years ago.
If anyone bothered to read
my pamphlets, they'd know.
But do they? No, they fucking don't.
- Oh.
- Oh, I see.
Because you thought you were,
you fucked everything up.
Now Peter's dead and
you're no longer a soldier.
Moral of the story: read my pamphlet.
Surprised she didn't kill you and Hugo,
but she's not well
herself, my read of it.
[SIGHS] Do you think
Elizabeth would marry me?
- What the fuck are you
- You've known her a long time.
- You knew her and Peter the Great.
- I'm not dying?
We established that and
introduced a new topic.
Do you think she'll ever
bury that man, is my question.
He was a god, not a man.
Mm, I treated him for
genital warts. He was a man.
[QUIETLY] Fuck!
You feel stupid.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
I have no cure for that.
Yep. Whoop.
H'yah! Ha!
Not dying! No.
Ooh.
Mm.
Not dying.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Ah.
[WHISTLES] Not dying!
I'm going to ignore the fact that
there was a lot of tongue from you.
Apparently, Fake Peter
just took fucking Moscow.
I'm getting a strong sense of
- Déjà vu?
- You too?
Mm.
Shit.
We need a friend.
You know who you don't kill in a court?
An asset.
Well, we can't go to Catherine in case
she's just forgotten us for a moment,
looks at us, and remembers she
was going to cut our heads off.
Good read of the situation. So
next best thing?
Am I doing something wrong?
Several things.
Some to do with the
pliantness of your tongue
and the lack of random circular
motion to break the rhythm,
startling a different sensation,
thereby driving me close to climax.
- Oh.
- [SIGHS] But it's not that.
It's Catherine.
It's this uprising, it's me,
it's Peter, it's where is Paul?
And will my end be sliced
up for steaks for Cossacks?
Sort of a fascinating
way to go, in a way.
Right. I had planned to
propose, after your orgasm.
- What?
- But maybe now's not a good time.
Never is a good time, if you
needed guidance on a timeline.
Or is it?
It's not.
Or is it? Perhaps this
black hole you have in you
could be filled with the
love of a good doctor.
I will only ever love one man.
Peter the Great is dead. You are alive.
I am alive.
And if I fix the circular motion problem
and attend to the pliancy issue,
I think we're well suited.
- Ah, bad time?
- No.
Thank you, Vinodel. You may go.
Think on what I said.
I won't.
Hugo, how's the leg?
Excruciatingly painful.
Excellent.
We've been thinking about
what we can offer Russia.
Your death by your own
hand would be lovely.
Unfortunately, Catherine seems
oddly ambivalent to your back.
She's letting us live?
It may not last. She's
in a strange place.
She has some fucking
problems. An uprising.
Well, guess what? Been
there, have some thoughts.
No one else in this palace
with king experience, is there?
A failed king.
So I know the pitfalls.
The mistakes to avoid.
Also, amusing, brilliant strategist,
cunning as fuck, stole Russia's
army. Don't want to dwell on it.
It's obviously a sore
point, but worth mentioning.
As well as a semi-powerful lover.
That's actually more
of a sporadic thing.
However, clearly Vinodel has left
you wanting and so, as you can tell,
I am dexterously tongued of word
and so am a bit masterful down there.
You could use a man like me.
I could, actually.
Amazing. So am I eating pussy or
- You're finding Paul.
- Fantastic.
Agnes, you can stay.
We capture him and do a deal.
The question for you, Petrov,
is how do we capture him?
Well, two things.
Disagree on the capture thing.
That'll just inflame his people to
attack St. Petersburg and free him.
Oh. Well, that's not negotiable,
so disagree in your head,
but not with your tongue.
He has a rally in Moscow planned.
Rather than a massive attack that
turns into a bloodbath for us,
militia, passing animals,
and pretzel vendors,
we need to isolate him on stage
and then take a sniper shot.
He needs to die in front of them.
And no one is to know if it
was by us or one of his own.
And the part where you
listen to my orders?
Overridden by my duty to provide
clever and unvarnished advice.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Confident, aren't you?
He does have that.
It's partly because of
how fucking handsome I am
that life's a bit of an easy
ride, as I'm sure you know.
I grew up with this easy
flow of opportunity and pussy
and gave myself all the credit
for it, and then one day wondered.
So I, I took some lily of the valley,
which gave me a hideous rash on my face
and a gammy eye for months, and
as I suspected, the flow dried up.
I realized cleverness and disciplined
thought would carry me further.
On the other hand, a small bumbling man
recently fucked my
fiancée, so there's that.
We seem off topic.
I like Petrov's killing
plan. Put him in the ground.
Can I ask you something, Petrov?
When you're on the battlefield,
bullets randomly whizzing about,
people dying around you,
you could die at any moment,
how do you view that?
Imminent death, fate, destiny? What?
Luck. Dumb fucking luck.
Is it? I've never believed in luck.
[DOOR OPENS]
I know you haven't wanted to see me.
And still don't.
I am truly sorry. I
I've been an ass, a foolish old man,
drunk on these stories of who
I had to be, how I had to die,
and
and I've let you down.
And I'll spend the rest
of my life regretting it.
I thought fate had played its
last card on this old horse.
However, it
turns out the rest of my life
should be a long, long fucking time,
as I'm not dying.
And we should all keep up to
date with Vinodel's pamphlets
and save ourselves some fucking grief.
Dumb fucking luck.
Or logic to go to a doctor when ill.
Marvelous, though.
Either way, delightful news.
It's a relief to hear
you're relieved by that idea.
I heard Pugachev has taken Moscow.
I know what to do.
Very happy for you, sir,
but we have this in hand.
Let me lay out this plan for
you. You need to take him alive.
Let everyone know he's not Peter,
he's, he's just some dumb-ass,
lowlife, Cossack cockroach.
You trade his life for a tour,
where he admits he's not Peter the Third
and he disintegrates
everything he's whipped up.
My thoughts exactly.
Seems fraught with holes.
Petrov, we will do Velementov's plan.
Leave him alive, dumb Cossack or
not, you keep the uprising alive.
No head, the body doesn't
know where to move.
If we kill him at the rally,
everyone will think it's Peter.
That story will be out there
forever for Paul to wonder on.
- Right.
- We go with Velementov's plan.
Petrov, make it happen.
Uh, it's Well, it's my
plan, I-I can m-make it happen.
He's head of the army.
I'm glad you're alive.
Yeah.
Go.
There is a frisson of terror
in the court at the Moscow news.
You should talk to them
and allay their fears.
Mm. Hopefully without the
long pauses and crying.
This fatalism will get you killed.
Or it won't.
[BEAR ROARS]
[PAUL WHIMPERING]
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
[BEAR GRUNTING]
Listening to all this, I can't help
thinking Petrov's
plan was a better plan.
You just want to kill Pugachev
because he reminds you of Peter.
He doesn't remind me of Peter at all.
He's ugly and a fucking thug.
Well, obviously he's saying
something people are hearing.
What do you mean he's saying something?
Yes, Marial, what do you mean?
He has something.
GEORGINA: How do you know?
I
was a fucking servant.
He was down there
sometimes, our paths crossed.
I never knew that.
Neither did I.
Do tell, Marial.
Not a big story. He had
something. All I'm saying.
Turn of phrase, whatever.
And people are clearly responding
to it. But I love this plan.
My point.
I have a turn of phrase, too.
AGNES: Get a nose full
of Paul's scent, doggy.
Best cadaver dog.
It will find live ones, too?
Never tried it for live ones.
Why do you need a cadaver dog?
That's a private matter.
I'll need it back tomorrow.
There's going to be a
lot of cadavers in court,
thanks to that crazy bitch.
Can I just say a few things?
I know people are worried and there
is a little bit of an air of panic
because of what is happening in Moscow.
But I want you to know that whatever
happens, that's what will happen.
[COURTIERS MURMURING]
We have a plan.
This man, Pugachev
Repeat after me, "Pugachev,
not Peter the Third."
COURTIERS: Pugachev,
not Peter the Third.
It's an important point the
whole country will fucking know.
He will be taken and the
threat removed from our lives.
We will prevail.
Thank you, Georgina. Well said.
Shall we have tea and
cakes in a relaxed manner,
as befits how little threat we're under?
To Catherine the Great!
ALL: Huzzah!
HUGO: She looked straight at me.
And still is.
Ah.
Hugo and Agnes and a dog. [DOG BARKS]
Can we just say how
sorry about Peter we are?
He was a brother king to me.
He made his choices.
And you have chosen not to kill us.
Love to get some clarity.
I suppose I should.
But then, is it your fault?
You tried to get your country back,
Peter tried to get
his self-respect back,
and I tried to get
my husband back alive.
And we all failed.
So, suffer we all shall.
- [DOG BARKS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Thank you, Smolny. How kind.
Mm!
Almondy.
Can I have some?
Indeed.
[WHISPERING] You fucking idiot, Smolny!
If you're accusing me of poisoning
the Empress, you are way off base!
Almondy? Arsenic.
Almonds, everyone fucking knows that.
Why aren't you killing her?
Because I'm cleverer than that.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, hello, little husband.
Great. Untie me, please.
- Such a newlywed thing to do.
- Isn't it?
You remember when you
locked me in that cupboard
and every hour you hammered a nail in?
Suddenly, this fucking
nail came at me! It was
very intense.
The sex when I let you out of there.
- [HUGO MOANS]
- MAXIM: We had a little argument.
Just untie me.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Shouldn't really get involved
in other people's marriages.
I need to pee.
Does she have Paul?
Maybe. Untie me and I'll tell you.
Tell us or I'll tell this
dog to maul your face.
[SCOFFS] No.
Bye.
You're such a cutie!
Thanks.
[SIGHING]
Perfect.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- Is he all right?
- He's fine.
I'll go back to him now.
Elizabeth will be looking.
And possibly others.
[RETCHING]
- You okay?
- Ah
- It's just a little arsenic.
- Arsenic?
Tell me a story about him before you go.
I remember after the torture dinner
and he told you he loved
you for the first time.
And he came to my room,
shaking, because he'd
never felt anything like it.
And for days afterwards, he
would make me taste things.
Everything seemed
sharper to him,
like the forest throbbed and
oysters were a wave of sea.
I don't know.
He said you had obliterated
the old world he knew
and replaced it with
this shimmering one.
Good story.
Should you see Vinodel?
I'll sleep it off.
Or I won't.
Tell Paul I love him.
You know him. Pugachev.
How has he done this?
What do you mean?
He's inspired tens of
thousands to rise up
and risk their lives for him.
Eh
He was kind of an idiot.
Marial said he had a turn of phrase.
Ah, how would Marial know?
I better go.
Where the hell'd that dog go?
Fuck! Grigor. He'll kill you.
That's a problem.
[GUN COCKS]
Yes, it's a gun.
Great senses.
Hi, me. Couple of things
I'm gonna tear out your windpipe
and use it as a drinking straw.
Or we become friends.
Friends? Are you fucking mad?
We're both grieving.
Our friend died.
I personally have a
weird sense of guilt.
That's because it's your fucking fault!
Maybe that's it.
Interesting.
See? A friendship that
challenges, the best kind.
I'm gonna take a hammer and beat
your skull into tiny pieces very slowly.
Okay. You're not ready
to listen. Understood.
You're sad.
I get it.
Me too.
But we have to learn to live together.
- Or
- Funny, love it.
I burn you alive!
Always liked you.
Ugh!
[GROANING]
[WHISPERING] Paul is all. Paul is all
Fuck!
You've seen him, haven't you?
- What?
- Pugachev.
You said he had a turn of
phrase, downstairs as a servant.
Yes.
No. You've been to a rally.
Yes, I have.
I don't lie to you anymore.
Appreciate it.
And?
Can't really explain it.
He just
He has moments where you
feel like he understands.
Hmm.
Perhaps I need to see this
turn of phrase to understand it.
Let's go.
Shall we?
Prepare a carriage for Moscow.
[DOG BARKING]
- I asked you to wait!
- HUGO: Tell the dog.
What are you two doing here?
I can't believe you would dare.
- Look!
- [DOG SNIFFING]
She gave him to Grigor.
Gave who to Grigor?
- Thanks for your time.
- Paul?
Never said that. We just came to say hi.
- [BEAR GROWLING]
- [PAUL CRYING]
- [FIRES GUN]
- [BEAR GROANING]
[PAUL CRYING]
It's okay. Oh!
Oh. Oh
Oh, dear. [SIGHS]
Forest might not be the safest place
for you, now I think about it, Paul.
- You okay?
- Furry.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, he was furry.
Running away?
Lit the fire and then
I'm going to put it out.
[GROANS]
I am very angry at you.
[SOFTLY] Do that again.
Not if you're going to enjoy it.
It can still be saved.
The plan, please?
I kill him.
Good plan. Are you capable of it?
Since I fear you'd rather suck his
tongue and draw hearts on his back.
And did you get Paul back?
Not doing your bit either then, are you?
We are on the precipice of
losing everything because of you.
Then let me get on with it.
Rousing.
♪
Few things going on, Paul.
I mean, it's Russia,
something's always happening.
You should know that.
There's a lot of men who want
to come and kill your mother
- [TOY RATTLING]
- for a man pretending to be your father.
And also, everyone wants to ordain you.
But that's like putting
a target on your back.
Being eaten by that
bear would be a blessing.
Your dad didn't want it for you.
So fuck 'em, it's not gonna happen.
We're gonna be safe
here, you and I. Hmm?
Hey.
Eat your foie gras. Hmm?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[SIGHS] I came to suggest a
return bout with my tongue.
I treated it with elderberry juice,
aiding tenderness and increased pliancy.
You're always trying, Vinodel.
A man of science. Experiment
until you find the formula.
I do admire that.
And yet, you're still staring
wistfully at the great man.
How do we cure that?
The whole course of my life
changed the day I met him.
Everything I wanted
fell away to wanting him,
and wanting what he wanted.
- Do I hear regret?
- No.
But maybe it's time I changed
course, made my own way.
You could make your own way with me.
Possibly.
[HARP STRUMMING]
You hear that?
You broad-backed cunt.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
[LIKE PETER] Good evening, Moscow!
[CHEERING]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
We have marched in here on a
wave of fucking love for me,
Peter the Third!
[CHEERING]
[CHANTING "PETER!"]
I could listen to that all night.
We should invent a fucking
bell that when you ring it,
sounds out my name!
[CHEERING]
Everyone!
- Hungry?
- CROWD: Yes!
Quail and aioli!
[CHEERING]
- Fucking hell.
- That is very him.
Yes.
Needs lemon salt!
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Using his salt? You fucker!
Ooh! [WHISPERING] Catherine,
they'll tear you apart.
Yeah, I feed and nourish my people,
unlike that scrappy
German witch-faced whore.
[SOFTLY] Witch-faced?
She comes here to Russia,
brought here by the current patriarch,
who I suspect is in the
devil's fucking sway,
and we will need to kill him to
preserve the Russian Church's purity!
I love God!
[CHANTING "GOD!"]
Yeah, how much do you love that quail?
[CHANTING "QUAIL!"]
Are you fucking kidding?
They're fucking idiots.
[PUGACHEV CONTINUES]
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
♪
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
[CHEERING CONTINUES, FADES OUT]
I'll wing him. You bundle
him up into the carriage.
Or I could wing him. I seem
to recall trembling hands.
Look.
Like Moses' tablets.
Thou shalt not kill but
take him alive. Madness.
Orders.
Orders? Didn't you steal the army?
I'll wing him. Watch and learn.
You can wait in the carriage while I do.
That was an order, by the
way, by me, head of the army.
Salute's optional. I run
a tight but casual ship.
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
[LIKE PETER] Here's the weird thing.
Come closer, come closer.
I loved her
with all my fucking heart.
And for a minute, I let her have her
hands on this kingdom, and for that,
I apologize and seek your forgiveness.
A foolish heart, who hasn't
had that? You all have, right?
- CROWD: Yes!
- But but
then something happened.
I was out riding and I
came across a simple hut,
an old couple, and they had nothing.
Some potatoes, some bread, and
they invited me to sit with them.
And we ate.
We drank vodka, and we sang
and looked up at the stars
in our God's Russian sky,
and I looked in their deep blue eyes
and something in me broke.
I was flooded with
love and understanding
of what my people needed
and that they were the riches of Russia,
not gold and silk.
- Them!
- [CHEERS, GRUNTS OF APPROVAL]
Fuck.
The Russian people, my people!
[CHEERING]
I went back to Catherine
and told her of my epiphany,
and you know what she said?
"They sound like people who
should have died in the womb."
CROWD: [JEERING] No!
In that moment, I saw
our love was a fraud
and she was a fraud who hated us!
And that's when she took a knife
and, laughing, she plunged it into me!
[JEERING]
Let's talk about Paul.
She has him trapped.
I've heard he might already be dead
and she had his skin
made into a handbag.
[CROWD JEERING]
She will be killed or she will
drop to her knees in front of me.
[JEERING] Yes, it is a metaphor
and also a joke about cocksucking!
Huzzah!
[CROWD ROARING]
I will remake our land, kill
foreigners who look us in the eye,
build the tallest towers in the world,
and send ships to fucking steal
all the gold and raccoons from America!
We will ship in servants
and no Russians will serve.
We will all be served!
[CHEERING]
- [CHANTING "PETER!"]
- That's all lies.
Always loved ending dinner one way.
Bag o' heads!
[CHEERING]
Count Volpov, you're first!
Look at the arc on him!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Duchess Pastanak!
Eyes still open!
Lightning round!
Mikalov!
Lebedev!
Lady Nikitin!
Still got her earrings on!
- [CROWD ROARING]
- [SHAME AND FORTUNE PLAYING ♪]
- [CHANTING "KILL HER! KILL HER!]
- Catherine! Catherine!
You ♪
Got an attitude ♪
You ♪
You've got a way ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
Shame ♪
Is soft and safe ♪
Lose ♪
When I play your game ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
♪
Do you have a plan of what to say?
- Peter's dead.
- This man is an imposter.
We also have pamphlets.
And we have Catherine the
fucking Great, a woman of destiny.
Of fierce intelligence and wit.
Packed into a delicious body.
- Her mind's the thing, you whore.
- You're so cunt-forward, aren't you?
They're like two angry
little cats in a bucket.
I always thought fucking the same
man should bring women together.
Does Grigor do that thing with the
two fingers and the humming vibration?
I think we have our answer.
I taught him it.
The introductory orgy for
the court 16-year-olds.
He does.
It is
w-weird when he does it.
The tune is what's weird.
It's like a marching band tune.
You're in the sensual heat and then
it's Bum-bum, bah-dum, bum ♪
Pum, pum, pum-pum, pum-pum ♪
Pum, pum, pum-pum-pum [LAUGHING]
Pum, pum, pum, pum-pum-pum-pum ♪
Still, he's a great fuck.
You're welcome.
We're here.
I have no idea what else to say.
It'll come to me. Unless it doesn't.
It will.
Does anyone have a kumquat?
I feel like a kumquat.
- Eye-fuck them when you can.
- Mm, of course you'd say that.
[QUIRKY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[REGAL THEME SONG PLAYING]
[CROWD SHOUTING]
Drive!
Fucking hell, that was intense.
You fucking German bitch!
I'm going to throw your
dead body at Peter's feet!
[GUNSHOT]
[HORSE WHINNIES]
[WOMEN PANTING]
Thanks.
You're assuming I was aiming for him.
You all right?
They really hate me.
Appreciate no one trying to reassure me.
It didn't help when I stopped
speaking and started crying.
They smelt weakness.
[MAN PANTING]
MAN: For Peter!
There's a man running
alongside the carriage.
Should I shoot him or just
assume he'll get tired?
BOTH: Shoot him.
See? You can get on.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Because we've been in here for days
and now we're starting
to scratch at each other.
[GROANS]
I couldn't kill my own people,
Agnes. It's actually admirable.
Mm. I understand it.
Except for the bit where we were
so close to having Sweden back
and you bottled it because you
can't stand the sight of blood.
And now we're hiding in our room,
and every time I pick up a fork,
I think of putting it
down hard in your face.
[FORK RATTLES]
See? Scratching!
[GUNFIRE, CROWD CLAMORING]
Look, we should go out. Something's
fucking going on out there.
I don't think so.
If she was gonna kill
us, she'd have done it.
Right. So she doesn't want
to kill us, others might.
I feel good about it.
And Hugoland, I don't
think that's off the table.
Visionary idea.
I am the future. I know that.
Just not as expected.
I'm not some old king, I'm
something else.
I really feel weirdly good.
Like a new future is
out there to be picked.
I hate you.
That's impossible. Let's go.
Hugo.
[SIGHS]
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
What do we do?
- We join Peter.
- Peter's dead.
- Is he?
- Apparently. He is.
She says he is. But no body.
Apparently, Elizabeth
decided not to get it back.
I think it's fucking Peter out there.
It's the lookalike, Tatyana. Logic.
Peter was here when
this uprising started.
Was he?
Or was that a lookalike because he'd
left and she was covering for him?
Fuck.
That's interesting.
Think the things they don't
want you to think, Arkady.
- I don't quite understand what that means, but
- Means we leave.
Join him.
[EXHALES, SNIFFS]
Pugachev has taken Moscow.
Okay, thanks.
"Okay, thanks"? You did hear me?
I did. Pugachev has taken Moscow.
Fuck. Catherine.
Petrov, shoot them.
Will do. Head or ass?
One head, one ass.
Someone has to help her.
Not someone. Me.
I have to feed Maxim anyway.
Weird but sweet.
Elizabeth?
We have to ordain Paul.
He's Peter's son and
Catherine is in trouble.
We must act.
Do not try to play me.
Am I wrong in any way?
Is it done?
♪
- [CLICK]
- W-What are you doing?
It's not what it looks
like. It's a game.
None are loaded?
Well, one's supposed to be.
[GUNSHOT]
That one. Interesting.
[SIGHS] You okay?
To be honest, I'm a little
bit worried about you.
Can't put my finger on why, though.
[CATHERINE CHUCKLES] It's not funny.
What is going on?
You're paying no heed to the gravity
of your situation, and now this?
You need to pull yourself together.
- I'm trying.
- By putting a gun to your head?
It's a test.
I came to Russia, and I felt something.
A destiny.
Or I told myself a story.
A delusion to escape the fact Peter
didn't love me when I first got here.
So if it's destiny, I will
never pick the wrong gun.
That is mad.
If it's my destiny, then
Pugachev will not prevail.
But if it's delusion,
the people will hate me.
Tick.
He will advance and win.
I am going to shake you very hard
and hope that something in
your head clicks together.
I admit it's not a great time for
this particular existential dilemma.
Like a duck being pecked to death,
suddenly unsure if it needs its beak?
A fucking terrible time, I would say!
But it's in me.
Or rather, it doesn't feel like it is.
Look at Peter.
He had a story of some destiny
he had to have, but it wasn't.
It was a delusional story
that led him to his death.
You're not him.
What makes me different?
You have a destiny.
Funny. And true,
according to today's guns.
Where is Paul?
- Safe.
- You keep saying that.
I don't want to throw
him into this game.
He was born into this game.
No escape for any of us.
Mm. This is a good apple.
We need him ordained.
No.
[SQUAWKING]
- Angry?
- Shaking.
As is your reign.
Pugachev is pretending to be
Peter and calling you illegitimate.
You must ordain Paul,
be part of the line.
I'll think about it.
He's hanging his clothes
in Moscow tonight.
You don't have time to think.
Let me help you, because I do know.
You always seem to.
So why is this not your
destiny, this chair?
You are brilliant at all of it.
It is not for me.
You serve these men. But why not you?
Because it is not in you, or
because you have never imagined it?
Told yourself that story?
Catherine, I don't want to imagine
anything except you staying alive
and us not looking out that window
and seeing men running
towards the palace
to cut our pale, pondering necks.
Ordain Paul and move on Pugachev.
They all think he's Peter.
So I kill him, they all
think I killed my husband.
That is not the story I wish for Paul.
Or for Peter.
He wanted a legacy.
This cannot be it.
[SIGHS] Gosh.
It's hard, isn't it?
Being without him?
It's the everywhere he isn't.
Which is
Everywhere.
Yes.
[GRUNTING]
MAXIM: Marial, untie me!
You are a very bad wife.
I'm saving your life.
I need to make amends.
I've claimed to have killed
him and now I look like a fool.
You do look like a fool.
Unbelievable.
I thought we really got to
a good place as a couple.
Do I need to remind you
that you are a child?
I am your husband and
I will be respected!
I'd really love for you
to untie me, darling.
Marial!
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
[PANTING AND MOANING]
- Oh, you're amazing.
- As him!
[LIKE PETER] Uh, uh, uh, uh,
uh Tatyana, you're like silk.
Oh, yeah, yeah! And
you've always wanted me!
And I've always wanted you, you're
peaches and cream on a summer's day.
Oh, yeah, talk food! Yes! Yes!
Uh
- And you're mushroom
- Oh, yeah!
- str-stroganoff.
- Yes, yes!
Soufflé!
Has anyone seen Pu
um, I mean, Emperor Peter?
Ah!
Ah, Arkady!
Best friend and right-hand man.
Think of what we've
been through together.
Yes. I am.
Uh, friends, what do we say?
[FRIENDS CHANTING "PETER!"]
[CHANTING CONTINUES]
They hate her out there.
Pugachev is now in fucking
Moscow. [LAYS DOWN GLASS]
They're going to come and cut
our flesh into chess pieces.
If he's in Moscow, we're next.
Hence the chess pieces
comment. Can you keep up?
Grigor?
- Grigor, can you hear me?
- I'm thinking about Paul.
Yes, we're all thinking about Paul.
She needs to ordain him.
He didn't want that.
No one is ordaining him.
Marial's coming.
I thought you'd like the warning
during that slightly treasonous,
but thrilling conversation.
Stop eavesdropping!
I must say, Madame
Dymova, your passion is
- Ooh!
- Thank you, Petra.
Oh, you will thank me.
Really got myself into
a bad place with her.
Grigor.
Can we talk?
We are talking. The
married-to-each-other people.
- Talk to Maxim.
- I just saved your life.
- You did?
- My life is full of regrets.
I suspect that will be the biggest.
- Grigor.
- I'm not really following a lot of this.
We can't just give up on this.
I think you can, if you need
an outsider's perspective.
Shut up! Grigor.
Everyone's just saying words.
But they're just words, you know?
They float in the air and they
don't mean anything to me anymore.
Peter is dead. We are not.
Everyone is dead to me now.
I don't care about
either of you anymore.
Whoa. Sometimes he sees a
nail and he is the hammer.
It's unexpected and always gets me wet.
He meant that about you. Not me.
Did he, though?
Little tears welling in
your eyes say different.
Can you fuck off?
No. Because I live here with my husband.
Ugh!
- [GUN COCKS]
- Get off her!
[GEORGINA LAUGHS]
Stay there.
You're kidding me.
Do I need to remind you why?
Go on, then.
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
Morning, Paul. How'd you sleep?
Don't eat that. I've
got an array of things.
Uh
pickled walnuts, some pigeon breasts,
some cheeses that taste
like ass your dad loved,
vodka-laced milk shot.
Oh.
Ah! Huzzah.
And while you feast Yeah.
Ah. [SNIFFLES] Your dad
had a great love of music.
He'd want me to make
sure you had one, too.
Eat and I will play.
[SIGHS]
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
Another win, my friends!
CROWD: Huzzah!
[LIKE PETER] And we will continue to win
as I am the true Emperor of Russia,
chosen by God!
CROWD: Huzzah!
And Catherine will soon be destroyed,
as she has proved
herself an agent of evil.
Uh, no one knows better
what a monster she is
than my best friend, Arkady Vasilovich!
[CHEERING]
My heart swells to be back with
my best friend, Peter the Third!
[CHEERING, STOMPING]
Hey, a party to celebrate!
For tomorrow, we rally with
thousands of our brothers
and we take this fucking country back!
[CHEERING]
Wake up, you fat fuck!
- Huzzah!
- [CROWD CLAMORING]
Everyone will dress nicely
and I will fuck anyone
at court who demands it.
I do!
Ah.
Uh, where's Jean-Pierre?
Crepe, anyone?
I'm a little bit upset.
You said just the once.
It's political, Arkady.
Georgina did it for
Grigor, and I do it for you.
You know it's not really him?
I do. I think.
But we are finally number
two, so you're welcome.
[LIKE PETER] Hors d'oeuvres,
foie gras, oysters,
with that, uh, pink onion juice, uh
Arkady, go through the rest
of the menu with Jean-Pierre.
Yes, of course, Peter.
Huzzah.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY]
Hmm.
Your dad had his own
particular sound I,
unfortunately, can't replicate.
And you'll never know that sweetness.
- PAUL: Pussy.
- Ah!
Huzzah, Paul!
Hey!
Vodka-laced milk shot.
Yes. Yes!
Hmm.
Fabulous blood clots.
Glad you're entertained.
I just need something for the pain.
The vodka's not doing it.
Why don't I just kill you?
Funny.
Take three of these daily,
should be fine in a month.
What?
No. My father had this same thing.
He died of it.
Hmm. We worked out how to
cure it a couple of years ago.
If anyone bothered to read
my pamphlets, they'd know.
But do they? No, they fucking don't.
- Oh.
- Oh, I see.
Because you thought you were,
you fucked everything up.
Now Peter's dead and
you're no longer a soldier.
Moral of the story: read my pamphlet.
Surprised she didn't kill you and Hugo,
but she's not well
herself, my read of it.
[SIGHS] Do you think
Elizabeth would marry me?
- What the fuck are you
- You've known her a long time.
- You knew her and Peter the Great.
- I'm not dying?
We established that and
introduced a new topic.
Do you think she'll ever
bury that man, is my question.
He was a god, not a man.
Mm, I treated him for
genital warts. He was a man.
[QUIETLY] Fuck!
You feel stupid.
[LAUGHS] Yes.
I have no cure for that.
Yep. Whoop.
H'yah! Ha!
Not dying! No.
Ooh.
Mm.
Not dying.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Ah.
[WHISTLES] Not dying!
I'm going to ignore the fact that
there was a lot of tongue from you.
Apparently, Fake Peter
just took fucking Moscow.
I'm getting a strong sense of
- Déjà vu?
- You too?
Mm.
Shit.
We need a friend.
You know who you don't kill in a court?
An asset.
Well, we can't go to Catherine in case
she's just forgotten us for a moment,
looks at us, and remembers she
was going to cut our heads off.
Good read of the situation. So
next best thing?
Am I doing something wrong?
Several things.
Some to do with the
pliantness of your tongue
and the lack of random circular
motion to break the rhythm,
startling a different sensation,
thereby driving me close to climax.
- Oh.
- [SIGHS] But it's not that.
It's Catherine.
It's this uprising, it's me,
it's Peter, it's where is Paul?
And will my end be sliced
up for steaks for Cossacks?
Sort of a fascinating
way to go, in a way.
Right. I had planned to
propose, after your orgasm.
- What?
- But maybe now's not a good time.
Never is a good time, if you
needed guidance on a timeline.
Or is it?
It's not.
Or is it? Perhaps this
black hole you have in you
could be filled with the
love of a good doctor.
I will only ever love one man.
Peter the Great is dead. You are alive.
I am alive.
And if I fix the circular motion problem
and attend to the pliancy issue,
I think we're well suited.
- Ah, bad time?
- No.
Thank you, Vinodel. You may go.
Think on what I said.
I won't.
Hugo, how's the leg?
Excruciatingly painful.
Excellent.
We've been thinking about
what we can offer Russia.
Your death by your own
hand would be lovely.
Unfortunately, Catherine seems
oddly ambivalent to your back.
She's letting us live?
It may not last. She's
in a strange place.
She has some fucking
problems. An uprising.
Well, guess what? Been
there, have some thoughts.
No one else in this palace
with king experience, is there?
A failed king.
So I know the pitfalls.
The mistakes to avoid.
Also, amusing, brilliant strategist,
cunning as fuck, stole Russia's
army. Don't want to dwell on it.
It's obviously a sore
point, but worth mentioning.
As well as a semi-powerful lover.
That's actually more
of a sporadic thing.
However, clearly Vinodel has left
you wanting and so, as you can tell,
I am dexterously tongued of word
and so am a bit masterful down there.
You could use a man like me.
I could, actually.
Amazing. So am I eating pussy or
- You're finding Paul.
- Fantastic.
Agnes, you can stay.
We capture him and do a deal.
The question for you, Petrov,
is how do we capture him?
Well, two things.
Disagree on the capture thing.
That'll just inflame his people to
attack St. Petersburg and free him.
Oh. Well, that's not negotiable,
so disagree in your head,
but not with your tongue.
He has a rally in Moscow planned.
Rather than a massive attack that
turns into a bloodbath for us,
militia, passing animals,
and pretzel vendors,
we need to isolate him on stage
and then take a sniper shot.
He needs to die in front of them.
And no one is to know if it
was by us or one of his own.
And the part where you
listen to my orders?
Overridden by my duty to provide
clever and unvarnished advice.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Confident, aren't you?
He does have that.
It's partly because of
how fucking handsome I am
that life's a bit of an easy
ride, as I'm sure you know.
I grew up with this easy
flow of opportunity and pussy
and gave myself all the credit
for it, and then one day wondered.
So I, I took some lily of the valley,
which gave me a hideous rash on my face
and a gammy eye for months, and
as I suspected, the flow dried up.
I realized cleverness and disciplined
thought would carry me further.
On the other hand, a small bumbling man
recently fucked my
fiancée, so there's that.
We seem off topic.
I like Petrov's killing
plan. Put him in the ground.
Can I ask you something, Petrov?
When you're on the battlefield,
bullets randomly whizzing about,
people dying around you,
you could die at any moment,
how do you view that?
Imminent death, fate, destiny? What?
Luck. Dumb fucking luck.
Is it? I've never believed in luck.
[DOOR OPENS]
I know you haven't wanted to see me.
And still don't.
I am truly sorry. I
I've been an ass, a foolish old man,
drunk on these stories of who
I had to be, how I had to die,
and
and I've let you down.
And I'll spend the rest
of my life regretting it.
I thought fate had played its
last card on this old horse.
However, it
turns out the rest of my life
should be a long, long fucking time,
as I'm not dying.
And we should all keep up to
date with Vinodel's pamphlets
and save ourselves some fucking grief.
Dumb fucking luck.
Or logic to go to a doctor when ill.
Marvelous, though.
Either way, delightful news.
It's a relief to hear
you're relieved by that idea.
I heard Pugachev has taken Moscow.
I know what to do.
Very happy for you, sir,
but we have this in hand.
Let me lay out this plan for
you. You need to take him alive.
Let everyone know he's not Peter,
he's, he's just some dumb-ass,
lowlife, Cossack cockroach.
You trade his life for a tour,
where he admits he's not Peter the Third
and he disintegrates
everything he's whipped up.
My thoughts exactly.
Seems fraught with holes.
Petrov, we will do Velementov's plan.
Leave him alive, dumb Cossack or
not, you keep the uprising alive.
No head, the body doesn't
know where to move.
If we kill him at the rally,
everyone will think it's Peter.
That story will be out there
forever for Paul to wonder on.
- Right.
- We go with Velementov's plan.
Petrov, make it happen.
Uh, it's Well, it's my
plan, I-I can m-make it happen.
He's head of the army.
I'm glad you're alive.
Yeah.
Go.
There is a frisson of terror
in the court at the Moscow news.
You should talk to them
and allay their fears.
Mm. Hopefully without the
long pauses and crying.
This fatalism will get you killed.
Or it won't.
[BEAR ROARS]
[PAUL WHIMPERING]
[LEAVES RUSTLING]
[BEAR GRUNTING]
Listening to all this, I can't help
thinking Petrov's
plan was a better plan.
You just want to kill Pugachev
because he reminds you of Peter.
He doesn't remind me of Peter at all.
He's ugly and a fucking thug.
Well, obviously he's saying
something people are hearing.
What do you mean he's saying something?
Yes, Marial, what do you mean?
He has something.
GEORGINA: How do you know?
I
was a fucking servant.
He was down there
sometimes, our paths crossed.
I never knew that.
Neither did I.
Do tell, Marial.
Not a big story. He had
something. All I'm saying.
Turn of phrase, whatever.
And people are clearly responding
to it. But I love this plan.
My point.
I have a turn of phrase, too.
AGNES: Get a nose full
of Paul's scent, doggy.
Best cadaver dog.
It will find live ones, too?
Never tried it for live ones.
Why do you need a cadaver dog?
That's a private matter.
I'll need it back tomorrow.
There's going to be a
lot of cadavers in court,
thanks to that crazy bitch.
Can I just say a few things?
I know people are worried and there
is a little bit of an air of panic
because of what is happening in Moscow.
But I want you to know that whatever
happens, that's what will happen.
[COURTIERS MURMURING]
We have a plan.
This man, Pugachev
Repeat after me, "Pugachev,
not Peter the Third."
COURTIERS: Pugachev,
not Peter the Third.
It's an important point the
whole country will fucking know.
He will be taken and the
threat removed from our lives.
We will prevail.
Thank you, Georgina. Well said.
Shall we have tea and
cakes in a relaxed manner,
as befits how little threat we're under?
To Catherine the Great!
ALL: Huzzah!
HUGO: She looked straight at me.
And still is.
Ah.
Hugo and Agnes and a dog. [DOG BARKS]
Can we just say how
sorry about Peter we are?
He was a brother king to me.
He made his choices.
And you have chosen not to kill us.
Love to get some clarity.
I suppose I should.
But then, is it your fault?
You tried to get your country back,
Peter tried to get
his self-respect back,
and I tried to get
my husband back alive.
And we all failed.
So, suffer we all shall.
- [DOG BARKS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Thank you, Smolny. How kind.
Mm!
Almondy.
Can I have some?
Indeed.
[WHISPERING] You fucking idiot, Smolny!
If you're accusing me of poisoning
the Empress, you are way off base!
Almondy? Arsenic.
Almonds, everyone fucking knows that.
Why aren't you killing her?
Because I'm cleverer than that.
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, hello, little husband.
Great. Untie me, please.
- Such a newlywed thing to do.
- Isn't it?
You remember when you
locked me in that cupboard
and every hour you hammered a nail in?
Suddenly, this fucking
nail came at me! It was
very intense.
The sex when I let you out of there.
- [HUGO MOANS]
- MAXIM: We had a little argument.
Just untie me.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Shouldn't really get involved
in other people's marriages.
I need to pee.
Does she have Paul?
Maybe. Untie me and I'll tell you.
Tell us or I'll tell this
dog to maul your face.
[SCOFFS] No.
Bye.
You're such a cutie!
Thanks.
[SIGHING]
Perfect.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
- Is he all right?
- He's fine.
I'll go back to him now.
Elizabeth will be looking.
And possibly others.
[RETCHING]
- You okay?
- Ah
- It's just a little arsenic.
- Arsenic?
Tell me a story about him before you go.
I remember after the torture dinner
and he told you he loved
you for the first time.
And he came to my room,
shaking, because he'd
never felt anything like it.
And for days afterwards, he
would make me taste things.
Everything seemed
sharper to him,
like the forest throbbed and
oysters were a wave of sea.
I don't know.
He said you had obliterated
the old world he knew
and replaced it with
this shimmering one.
Good story.
Should you see Vinodel?
I'll sleep it off.
Or I won't.
Tell Paul I love him.
You know him. Pugachev.
How has he done this?
What do you mean?
He's inspired tens of
thousands to rise up
and risk their lives for him.
Eh
He was kind of an idiot.
Marial said he had a turn of phrase.
Ah, how would Marial know?
I better go.
Where the hell'd that dog go?
Fuck! Grigor. He'll kill you.
That's a problem.
[GUN COCKS]
Yes, it's a gun.
Great senses.
Hi, me. Couple of things
I'm gonna tear out your windpipe
and use it as a drinking straw.
Or we become friends.
Friends? Are you fucking mad?
We're both grieving.
Our friend died.
I personally have a
weird sense of guilt.
That's because it's your fucking fault!
Maybe that's it.
Interesting.
See? A friendship that
challenges, the best kind.
I'm gonna take a hammer and beat
your skull into tiny pieces very slowly.
Okay. You're not ready
to listen. Understood.
You're sad.
I get it.
Me too.
But we have to learn to live together.
- Or
- Funny, love it.
I burn you alive!
Always liked you.
Ugh!
[GROANING]
[WHISPERING] Paul is all. Paul is all
Fuck!
You've seen him, haven't you?
- What?
- Pugachev.
You said he had a turn of
phrase, downstairs as a servant.
Yes.
No. You've been to a rally.
Yes, I have.
I don't lie to you anymore.
Appreciate it.
And?
Can't really explain it.
He just
He has moments where you
feel like he understands.
Hmm.
Perhaps I need to see this
turn of phrase to understand it.
Let's go.
Shall we?
Prepare a carriage for Moscow.
[DOG BARKING]
- I asked you to wait!
- HUGO: Tell the dog.
What are you two doing here?
I can't believe you would dare.
- Look!
- [DOG SNIFFING]
She gave him to Grigor.
Gave who to Grigor?
- Thanks for your time.
- Paul?
Never said that. We just came to say hi.
- [BEAR GROWLING]
- [PAUL CRYING]
- [FIRES GUN]
- [BEAR GROANING]
[PAUL CRYING]
It's okay. Oh!
Oh. Oh
Oh, dear. [SIGHS]
Forest might not be the safest place
for you, now I think about it, Paul.
- You okay?
- Furry.
[LAUGHS] Yeah, he was furry.
Running away?
Lit the fire and then
I'm going to put it out.
[GROANS]
I am very angry at you.
[SOFTLY] Do that again.
Not if you're going to enjoy it.
It can still be saved.
The plan, please?
I kill him.
Good plan. Are you capable of it?
Since I fear you'd rather suck his
tongue and draw hearts on his back.
And did you get Paul back?
Not doing your bit either then, are you?
We are on the precipice of
losing everything because of you.
Then let me get on with it.
Rousing.
♪
Few things going on, Paul.
I mean, it's Russia,
something's always happening.
You should know that.
There's a lot of men who want
to come and kill your mother
- [TOY RATTLING]
- for a man pretending to be your father.
And also, everyone wants to ordain you.
But that's like putting
a target on your back.
Being eaten by that
bear would be a blessing.
Your dad didn't want it for you.
So fuck 'em, it's not gonna happen.
We're gonna be safe
here, you and I. Hmm?
Hey.
Eat your foie gras. Hmm?
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[SIGHS] I came to suggest a
return bout with my tongue.
I treated it with elderberry juice,
aiding tenderness and increased pliancy.
You're always trying, Vinodel.
A man of science. Experiment
until you find the formula.
I do admire that.
And yet, you're still staring
wistfully at the great man.
How do we cure that?
The whole course of my life
changed the day I met him.
Everything I wanted
fell away to wanting him,
and wanting what he wanted.
- Do I hear regret?
- No.
But maybe it's time I changed
course, made my own way.
You could make your own way with me.
Possibly.
[HARP STRUMMING]
You hear that?
You broad-backed cunt.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
[LIKE PETER] Good evening, Moscow!
[CHEERING]
- You okay?
- Yeah.
We have marched in here on a
wave of fucking love for me,
Peter the Third!
[CHEERING]
[CHANTING "PETER!"]
I could listen to that all night.
We should invent a fucking
bell that when you ring it,
sounds out my name!
[CHEERING]
Everyone!
- Hungry?
- CROWD: Yes!
Quail and aioli!
[CHEERING]
- Fucking hell.
- That is very him.
Yes.
Needs lemon salt!
[CROWD LAUGHING]
Using his salt? You fucker!
Ooh! [WHISPERING] Catherine,
they'll tear you apart.
Yeah, I feed and nourish my people,
unlike that scrappy
German witch-faced whore.
[SOFTLY] Witch-faced?
She comes here to Russia,
brought here by the current patriarch,
who I suspect is in the
devil's fucking sway,
and we will need to kill him to
preserve the Russian Church's purity!
I love God!
[CHANTING "GOD!"]
Yeah, how much do you love that quail?
[CHANTING "QUAIL!"]
Are you fucking kidding?
They're fucking idiots.
[PUGACHEV CONTINUES]
[BALALAIKA PLAYING]
♪
[CHEERING AND SHOUTING]
[CHEERING CONTINUES, FADES OUT]
I'll wing him. You bundle
him up into the carriage.
Or I could wing him. I seem
to recall trembling hands.
Look.
Like Moses' tablets.
Thou shalt not kill but
take him alive. Madness.
Orders.
Orders? Didn't you steal the army?
I'll wing him. Watch and learn.
You can wait in the carriage while I do.
That was an order, by the
way, by me, head of the army.
Salute's optional. I run
a tight but casual ship.
[CROWD CHANTING "PETER!"]
[LIKE PETER] Here's the weird thing.
Come closer, come closer.
I loved her
with all my fucking heart.
And for a minute, I let her have her
hands on this kingdom, and for that,
I apologize and seek your forgiveness.
A foolish heart, who hasn't
had that? You all have, right?
- CROWD: Yes!
- But but
then something happened.
I was out riding and I
came across a simple hut,
an old couple, and they had nothing.
Some potatoes, some bread, and
they invited me to sit with them.
And we ate.
We drank vodka, and we sang
and looked up at the stars
in our God's Russian sky,
and I looked in their deep blue eyes
and something in me broke.
I was flooded with
love and understanding
of what my people needed
and that they were the riches of Russia,
not gold and silk.
- Them!
- [CHEERS, GRUNTS OF APPROVAL]
Fuck.
The Russian people, my people!
[CHEERING]
I went back to Catherine
and told her of my epiphany,
and you know what she said?
"They sound like people who
should have died in the womb."
CROWD: [JEERING] No!
In that moment, I saw
our love was a fraud
and she was a fraud who hated us!
And that's when she took a knife
and, laughing, she plunged it into me!
[JEERING]
Let's talk about Paul.
She has him trapped.
I've heard he might already be dead
and she had his skin
made into a handbag.
[CROWD JEERING]
She will be killed or she will
drop to her knees in front of me.
[JEERING] Yes, it is a metaphor
and also a joke about cocksucking!
Huzzah!
[CROWD ROARING]
I will remake our land, kill
foreigners who look us in the eye,
build the tallest towers in the world,
and send ships to fucking steal
all the gold and raccoons from America!
We will ship in servants
and no Russians will serve.
We will all be served!
[CHEERING]
- [CHANTING "PETER!"]
- That's all lies.
Always loved ending dinner one way.
Bag o' heads!
[CHEERING]
Count Volpov, you're first!
Look at the arc on him!
[CROWD CHEERING]
Duchess Pastanak!
Eyes still open!
Lightning round!
Mikalov!
Lebedev!
Lady Nikitin!
Still got her earrings on!
- [CROWD ROARING]
- [SHAME AND FORTUNE PLAYING ♪]
- [CHANTING "KILL HER! KILL HER!]
- Catherine! Catherine!
You ♪
Got an attitude ♪
You ♪
You've got a way ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
Shame ♪
Is soft and safe ♪
Lose ♪
When I play your game ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
All fortune on the floor ♪
♪