The Neighborhood (2018) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Hey, guys.
Come on in.
Ooh, you brought champagne.
That's right.
Let's get this party started! Ooh-hoo.
I love opening champagne.
Now, everybody watch out.
I don't want anybody to lose an eye.
Calvin, why's the bottle half-empty? Okay, I started celebrating early.
But who can blame me I bought another house, and more importantly, Malcolm is moving out of mine.
Well, Malcolm and Marty must be pretty excited about the big move to right next door.
Hey, next door or on the other side of the world Out of my house is out of my house.
[LAUGHTER.]
Cheers! Yeah, they already started moving stuff in and fixing the place up.
I sent you a few pictures of a couch I was thinking about getting them.
Oh, I didn't see those.
Let me check.
It better not be more expensive than ours.
Otherwise, we're switching.
That's weird.
I could have sworn my phone was in here.
I'm sure it's around here somewhere.
You know, we'll help you look.
Calvin.
What? I can pretend to look from here.
I know I had it when I went shopping today.
That's when Dave texted me: "911.
We're out of chocolate milk.
" Oh, uh, by the way, we're out again.
I had a tough day at work and went on a bit of a bender.
You know what? I'll just call your phone.
- I don't hear any - Shh.
Really, Tina? I get up to fake help, and you shush me? I don't hear it anywhere.
You know, maybe we should just Wait.
Hello? Ooh, s-somebody answered.
Oh, thank goodness.
Now I can sit back down.
He says that he has your phone.
Oh! Well, that's a relief.
Uh, yeah, I see.
He says he found it in the grocery store parking lot.
Oh, that's great.
And he says he wants - $300 to get it back? - What?! Unbelievable.
Wow.
Now celebrating seems really inappropriate.
Guess I'll just do us all a favor and kill the champagne.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Can you believe this? $300 to get my own phone back? I know.
I could really go for a stiff glass of chocolate milk right now.
What? It builds strong bones and tickles my sweet tooth.
Step off.
I mean, shaking someone down for a phone What kind of person does that? The kind of person that needs to get his ass whupped.
Exactly.
Cool.
Then you and me, we're gonna go down there and get Gemma's phone back.
Gonna roll up on that fool and let him know who's who, what's what, and that's that.
Great.
When-when should we do this? Wait.
Are you crazy? You're not gonna go pick a fight in some dark parking lot with a stranger.
And you, either, Calvin.
If he's willing to do something like this, who knows how dangerous he might be? Maybe he needs to worry about how dangerous I am.
But this is Dave's fight, not mine.
No one is fighting anyone.
All my stuff is backed up to the cloud.
We'll just have to spend the money to get a new phone.
- Okay, but, Gemma - Dave.
Promise me you're gonna drop this.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
- Fine.
I promise.
- [SIGHS.]
But I am texting him a bunch of poop emojis to let him know that this is not cool! Hey, Malcolm.
Hey, li'l bro.
Oh, look at us, moving in together.
The Butler brothers ride again! I told you, we are not putting that on the welcome mat.
Fine.
I'll just put it on the bath towels instead.
Hey, man, I really like this color.
Well, thank you.
You know, if you want, there's enough paint to do your bedroom, too.
Uh, what do you mean, my bedroom? We never agreed you get the bigger one.
Oh, we didn't have to.
God decided that when I was born first.
No, no, you're not playing the "older brother" card again.
Okay.
Which card do you want me to play, Marty? The "cooler" card, the "stronger" card, or "I will actually have ladies up in this room" card? Hey, man, I'm gonna have ladies up in here, too.
Your Wonder Woman action figures don't count.
No, I'm serious, Malcolm.
I gave up my own apartment to live with you.
I'm taking this room.
I don't think so.
Well, I do.
I'm not the little kid you used to push around in Mom and Dad's house.
Now, starting right now I'm putting my foot down and my box Aah! Damn it! I should have put my box down first.
Yeah? You want to steal my wife's phone? Then eats some shoe, dirtbag! Whoa, whoa.
Dave.
If you don't like recycling, just don't do it.
I'm not recycling.
I'm just getting out my frustration over this whole phone thing.
You want 300 bucks? Yeah? How about a size nine narrow instead?! All right, now, Dave, stomping cans isn't gonna make you feel any better.
Besides, you're gonna hurt your tiny little lady foot.
I just hate the fact that this guy is holding Gemma's phone hostage.
And he's gonna get away with it.
Calvin, it ju it's just so wrong.
Look, he doesn't have to get away with it.
We could still find that guy and get the phone back.
Yeah, I know, but I promised Gemma that I wouldn't.
I know.
She doesn't want you to do anything dangerous or stupid.
But we're men That's what we're good at.
- Yeah.
You're right.
- Yeah.
I can't let this fester inside of me.
You know, we got to go confront this guy and teach him what happens when you try to take advantage of people.
Exactly.
Come on, man, let's go do what it do and get Gemma's phone back.
Pick up another carton of chocolate milk.
It was a rough night! [SINGING INDISTINCTLY.]
Malcolm! What the hell? Why is all your stuff in here? And where's my box, man? Oh, yeah.
What did I do with your tiny-ass box? That's right, it's in your tiny-ass bedroom.
Okay, this isn't over, Malcolm.
I don't know, Martin, it feels pretty over.
I'm warning you, man, I'm not gonna take this lying down.
Hey, good for you.
But I am.
Okay this is the spot where the guy said to meet.
So, you know what you're supposed to do, right? Yes.
First I make contact with the perp.
Then I get him to flash the product.
And last but not least I signal for the bust before the score goes down.
Have you been watching Kindergarten Cop with Grover again? Second-best Schwarzenegger movie after Jingle All the Way.
Look, I’m gonna hide around this corner.
When I see you go for your wallet, that's when I'm gonna run out.
I'm gonna scare the hell out the guy, You grab the phone.
Got it.
It is go time on Operation Wrong Number.
Well Oh, come on, Calvin, you're taking all the fun out of this.
- [MOUTHS.]
- All right.
Hey.
Are you Dave? Lot of Daves in this world.
Might be one of 'em.
Come on, man, I don't have all day.
I got to ref a soccer game in 20 minutes.
Oh, that's a pretty ironic thing to do for someone who's running afoul of the law.
Look, man, you want the phone back, or what? Okay, all right, all right, all right.
That's all I need to see.
Now I'm going to reach into my pocket and grab my wallet! What's up, homie? You trying to hustle my boy out of his phone? 'Cause you about to get dropped like a call.
Who-Who's this guy? You said you were coming alone.
Yeah, I lied.
What are you gonna do about it, ref, give me a red card? You know what, you're lucky he don't try to crush you like a can of grape soda! Why grape? 'Cause Black people like grape soda, that's why! Oh, my God.
M-My chest.
Yeah, forget about your chest.
It's your ass you need to worry about.
I-I can't feel my arm.
Uh, uh, Calvin, I think he's having a heart attack.
Oh, please.
This guy's a con artist.
I'll bet you a hundred bucks he's faking it.
[YELLS.]
For the record, we never shook on it.
This is terrible.
I can't believe we gave the guy a heart attack.
I know.
I think I scared him too much.
I rolled up on him at a five, but I forget that my five is like other people's 12.
Uh, hey, sorry, is he gonna be okay? And don't be afraid to use medical terminology.
My aunt is a chiropractor.
Well, we got him stabilized.
That means he's stable.
I'm not an idiot, Dave.
My uncle's an orthodontist.
Okay, so what's next? We're gonna take him to the hospital.
Uh, unless your uncle wants to check him for an overbite.
Well, it looks like they have this under control.
Let's go.
What do you mean, let's go? We gave this guy a heart attack.
We need to go to the hospital and make sure he's okay.
Are you serious? He's a total stranger that tried to rip you off.
Plus, you gave him mouth-to-mouth for ten minutes.
Ten more seconds, and he would have owed you dinner.
Come on, Calvin, if we don't go, it makes us just as bad as he is.
Plus I didn't get Gemma's phone back.
Damn it.
All right, let's go.
But if ever I collapse like that around you, just let me die.
Marty.
What the hell did you do? Oh.
Well, I figured since you wouldn't move your stuff out, I had to move my stuff in.
Like I said, I'm pushing back.
Well, if you don't get your stuff out of my room, the only pushing is gonna be my foot up your ass.
Look, I told you, Malcolm, we're not at Mom and Dad's anymore.
But if you touch me, I'm telling.
Marty, we are not sharing a room, man! Okay, then feel free to move to the other one.
Because I'm not going anywhere.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, neither am I.
Aah! [LAUGHS.]
What did you do to my bed? Well, man, I thought I'd give you a hand moving out, so I started with your bolts.
I know it was expensive, but this new phone is amazing.
I wish I'd lost my old one a long time ago.
[GROANS.]
Yeah, girl, I accidentally lose mine every time the new model comes out.
Dave? Dave, are you home? Huh.
I wonder where he is.
Well, maybe he went for a run.
You want to check and see if his skimpy little short shorts are still here? It wouldn't matter if they were.
He's going through a spandex phase.
Wow, spandex? He's got cojones.
And apparently he's not afraid to show 'em.
Okay, I'm gonna break this bad boy in and give Dave a call.
Wow, look how sleek that thing is.
Time for me to accidentally drop you down a sewer grate.
Ooh, Calvin.
[SIGHS.]
There he is.
Sleeping like a baby.
Yeah, a phone-snatching baby that you made out with.
Okay, look, I'll stand guard.
You get the phone.
But do it quietly so he doesn't wake up.
Don't worry, I'm gonna be as quiet as a mouse.
[CELL PHONE RINGING LOUDLY.]
Starting now.
- Did you find it? - Nope.
No phone, no pants, no underwear.
Hey, check that plastic bag on the counter.
- Nurse is coming.
- What? Nur-Nurse is coming, nurse is coming.
Nurse is coming.
Nurse is here.
I'm sorry, I didn't know anyone was in here.
Oh, it's no problem.
We were just visiting.
Oh, that's nice, but I'm afraid only immediate family members are allowed in the rooms.
Oh, well that shouldn't be a problem because, you know, we are his brothers.
The three of you are brothers? Yeah, that's right.
Don't question our mama's business.
Well, since you're here, you should try talking to him.
Yeah, but he's asleep.
I know, but when someone goes through a trauma like this, hearing the voices and feeling the touch of loved ones can really speed up recovery.
Here, let me show you.
Just [GRUNTS, MUTTERS.]
See? Doesn't that feel nice? Words can't describe.
Okay, now you take the other one.
Okay.
Uh, sure.
I guess it's the least we could do for our our dear brother Stan.
Now go ahead and talk to him.
Maybe share a nice memory of the three of you doing something together when you were kids.
Okay, uh, well Let's see [CHUCKLES.]
Gosh, there's just so many to choose from.
It's gonna be tough, um Calvin, any suggestions? Nope.
All you.
Okay.
Uh Well, I guess, uh There was that one summer that we spent out in the country with Grandma.
Remember how we would go down to the fishing hole all day and catch fireflies all night while Granny sat in a rocking chair out on the porch of her little house on the prairie.
I don't get it.
I've called Dave five times, and it keeps going to voice mail.
You know, maybe can track him with Find My Friends.
I do it with Calvin all the time.
And that doesn't bother him? Not at all.
Well, mostly because he doesn't know I do it.
Okay, I see Grover's at his sleepover.
And Dave is at The hospital? What? Wait a minute.
Calvin is there, too.
Do you think they got into a car accident? - Oh, my God, we have to go.
- Oh, my God.
Wait.
You don't think they went to confront the guy who took my phone, do you? They would have to be absolute idiots to do that, so yes.
- Hey, roomie.
- Hmm? You don't mind if I do a quick little workout before bed, do you? Oh, go for it, man.
I already went for a run.
It was a grocery run, but I used a hand basket instead of a cart.
[CHUCKLES, SHOUTS.]
One.
- [GRUNTS.]
- While you do that, I'll do my nightly check-in on one of our JPL projects before I hit the sack.
[HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING.]
Yeah, we've been sending out signals, looking for intelligent life in the universe.
Nothing's come back in 60 years, but you never know if tonight's the night.
[CHUCKLES.]
No problem.
I'll barely be able to hear that over the sound of my harmonica practice.
[PLAYING OFF-KEY.]
That's great.
- Music always helps me sleep.
- [CHUCKLES.]
But just to warn you, I've started sleepwalking.
- Big deal.
- In the nude.
And as I carried you from that burning building smoke filling my lungs, I I swore to myself that I would never leave your side.
It's memories like that that remind you just how easy it is to take family for granted.
Exactly.
In fact, I'm gonna go call my sister right now.
If I forgave my husband, I can forgive her, too.
Uch! Okay, I know none of that was real, but, Calvin, you are the best big brother that Stan or I could ever have.
Would you just get the damn phone, Dave? - Got it.
- Good.
Let's get out of here before that nurse comes back and catches us Or our wives do.
What are you guys doing here? Are you okay? Yeah, no, we're-we're fine.
Then what is going on? And who is this guy? This is the guy who stole Gemma's phone.
And both of yours' brother-in-law.
That's the guy who had my phone? What did you do to him? Look, I accidentally gave him a heart attack.
Sometimes I forget how strong my roll-up game is.
Baby, what did you give him, like, a seven? No, babe.
A five.
Damn.
Dave, I can't believe you did this.
You promised me that you wouldn't.
I know, but it was driving me crazy.
Just couldn't stand that he was taking advantage of us like that.
So what if he was taking advantage of us? That could have been you in that hospital bed right now.
I know, Gemma, but I'm fine.
But you might not have been.
Did you even think about how that would affect Grover and me? And all over a stupid cell phone? Okay, all right.
Look, this is not all Dave's fault.
I saw how upset he was, and I pushed him to do it.
Yeah, that feels right.
No, Calvin.
Look, Gemma's right.
I just got so caught up in the fact that what he did was wrong, I ended up doing something even worse.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just glad you're okay.
All right, come on, let's get out of here.
I need to go wash my hand or possibly cut it off.
What's going on? Where am I? Oh, my.
Uh, uh, Stan, you you're in the hospital.
You had a minor heart attack, but you're gonna be okay.
Good.
Wait, I remember you.
Y-You're the guy whose phone I had.
- [RAPID BEEPING.]
- And-and and you're the guy who scared the hell out of me.
Oh, oh, but don't forget, I'm also the one that saved you from that fire.
I know why you're here To-to finish the job.
Help! - Okay, everyone, time to go.
- Somebody, help! You know what? And shame on you for stealing my wife's phone.
And you wonder why I was Mom's favorite.
- [CALVIN LAUGHS.]
- TINA: Oh, come here! CALVIN: Now, don't ask for something you can't handle.
TINA: Mmm, mmm.
You know I can handle it.
[TINA AND CALVIN LAUGHING.]
Hey, Marty? Marty, wake up.
What? - TINA: [GROWLS.]
A tiger! - Do you hear that? - [TINA LAUGHS.]
- CALVIN: All right.
Yeah.
Sounds like Mom and Dad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- TINA: So excited? - CALVIN: Mm-hmm.
Don't think I won't Oh, this-this bedroom is just down from their window.
[SLOW R&B PLAYS.]
CALVIN: Oh, no.
No, that's good, that's good.
TINA: Come on, baby, don't tease me.
Get over here, my big, strong, intimidating man.
CALVIN: Okay, but if you're impressed by my five, wait 'till you see my ten.
- Oh! - Oh, oh, oh! You know what? That's it.
- This bedroom is all yours! - No! No! No, I'm the little brother.
No, you win! You win! - Man, stay out of my way! - No! MARTY: My ears are bleeding! [CALVIN LAUGHING.]