The New Adventures of Old Christine s03e09 Episode Script

Previously on old christine-- you know,pete d ani split up six months ago, and I haven't even gone out on a date yet.
Why haven't you? Because I'm scared.
I've only been with one man.
I don't know what it's going to be like.
Well,pete was six-five with a size-14 shoe, so you might want to start by lowering your expectations.
I don't know anything.
Being with only e e n,n,I have no context.
You know what I'm saying? I need context.
I'm sure you won't have a problem finding context.
Smaller context than you're used to maybe but context.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Okay,so,matthew,I'm going to need you back here at 3:00 this afternoon to pick me up.
Okay,fine,but you know it doesn't really count as carpooling if you never drive, pay for gas or thank me.
It's for the environment,matthew.
Why must you fight me? Whoa,geez! Barb,you're all sexed out today.
Those things are up close and personal.
- Somebody have a date? - No! - What? - I don't know.
It's hot in here.
But not with each other.
What? You look beautiful.
I didn't do anything different.
that's embarrassing.
So,uh,barb,how are you? Are you feeling okay about everything? I really wish I'd worn a different swea ter,but other than that I'm talking about the sex.
Oh,uh,I haven't done a lot of that,so how does the post-sex work exactly? Uh,there's usually awkward conversations,uncomfortable silences, the haunting sound bites of things you wish you hadn't said.
I regretted saying,"come to mama.
" Me,too.
- But it was fun.
- No,I-I had fun,too.
Did you tell christine? Oh,god no,are you kidding me? She felt left out that time you and I both accidentally wore green shirts.
And then for a month,the three of us had to get dressed together every morning.
What are you guys talking about? And when did you both decide to wear jeans? You're wearing jeans,too.
Oh,yay,we're the same.
So what? What is going on? It has nngothi to do with you.
you're talking about my birthday.
She guessed it.
And now you've ruined the surprise.
Oh,no,no,you still got two days.
And if you're thinking cashmere wrap,you're on the right track.
God,that was close.
Are you kidding? It's her birthday month.
I could smear cake all over your naked body and lick it off right in front of her, and all she'd see is cake.
Come to mama.
I heard that.
You're talking about cake,right? Well,if you're thinking berry you are on the right track.
okay,I got it.
Knock,knock.
- Who's there? - Banana.
I'm not doing this anymore.
- Go do your homework.
- Okay.
Oh,my god,can we please have some adult conversation? I tht wislep barb.
Everybody's a comedian.
No,I really did.
Come on.
I'm serious.
Oh,my god! When? Where?How? The other night,on a futon,the regular way.
She let you do that? That's not the regular way.
It was fun.
Of course it was fun-- it was sex with barb.
Is she bossy? Is she rough? She's bossy and rough,right? It was a little weird.
Oh,weird.
Fantastic,I knew it.
What? You thought about it? I think about it with everyone.
I'm a guy.
Don't you? I think I'm a different kind of guy.
okay,I know what you guys are talking about, and I've been thinking about the same thing,too.
See? Everyone thinks about it.
She's talking about her birthday.
Oh,when's your birthday? In two days,silly.
Come on.
Anyway,birthdays are for children.
And so,I think what I'd like you to do is whatever money you're going to spend on me I want you to give that to charity.
Sure.
What's your favorite charity? Oh,it doesn't matter.
Something with kids or gays or oh,gay kids would be good.
Just give me the receipt so that I can write it off, and if you want you can put the receipt inside a cashmere wrap.
Wow,she's really a giver.
In fact,when we were marrie she gave me nothing but aggravation,am I right? It's just me here,man.
Sorry.
So,you and barb.
Yeah,listen,you can't tell anyone.
It's got to be like a secret.
No problem.
It's getting a little hot in the car.
I'm going to grab a water.
You were sitting in the car? It was a long ride home from school with ritchie's jokes.
If the answer to one more question was "banana" I was going to knock-knock his teeth out.
Barb and matthew slept together.
She's one tell.
Everybody gets one tell.
Okay,one,but that's it.
So,you and barb? What was it like? I bet it was intense.
And extra hot because of the taboo of sleeping with your sister's best friend.
But you didn't care,'cause once you got started your lust took over and drove you both over the brink,until you collapsed into a sweaty,shivery mass.
- Richard,can I see you in the car? - Yep.
I thought she didn't want a party.
No,she said,"whatever you do,don't throw me a party.
" It's kind of like when she says, "whatever you do,don't let me eat this whole thing," or, "whatever you do,don't let me drink more than two glasses of wine," or, "whatever you do,don't leave me alone with this guy.
" What are you looking at? Nothing.
What did you tell him? Nothing.
He was very respectful.
He gave no details.
But we imagined it was intense and rough.
Was it? Matthew! I'm sorry.
He was my one tell.
And she was my one tell.
it was supposed to be a secret.
You guys can't keep a secret.
Who told you they had sex? Who? Matthew and barb.
What? Okay,she's my one tell.
Surprise.
I-I can'T I can't believe this.
Well,happy birthday.
We should probably get going.
See if you can get details.
Yeah,and I'd better get going.
No,no.
You two are staying.
Sit.
What the hell? You two slept together? Don't freak out.
We were in your garage and it just sort of happened.
Oh,my god,in my garage? Ritchie's crib is in that garage.
And my weed whacker.
And my wedding dress.
Every time I wear that dress now,I'm going to think of your sex.
God,how could this happen? Barb,you're like my sister.
Matthew,you are my brother.
It's like a brother and sister doing it.
No,it's nothing like that.
She's not my sister.
I am your sister.
Did you ever once think of me? Never once while I was in that garage.
Well,maybe you should.
What are you trying to do to me? Christine,I know,it's a little weird.
Oh,it's a lot weird.
It's too close.
It's incestuous.
And it's a terrible birthday present by the way.
We got you a berry cake.
I don't care about the cake.
This is huge news.
I'm going to my room to decide how I feel about this.
And,matthew,whatever you do,do not let me eat this whole thing.
matthew.
Did I not say do not let me do this? Sorry about the cake,wine or man.
Listen,I was thinking-- you know what,if you and barb want to be a couple, then you should go ahead and be a couple.
Really? Yeah,I mean,it's a little weird for me,but if it makes you happy, then that's what I want.
Thanks.
I know that's not easy,because it involves people who aren't you.
I just want you to be happy.
Thank you.
But,you know,I was ndnderg,do you ever think that maybe I could be the one to make you happy? What? Let me be the one to make you happy,matthew.
what's the matter? Are you okay? Oh,I had a dream.
It was horrible.
I dreamt I kissed you.
Oh,god,calm down,calm down.
It's not that horrible.
oh,it was a dream.
Two dreams.
Just horrible.
Horrible dreams.
it's okay.
I'm okay.
Okay it's over.
You dropped your complaint with sizzler? No.
That's not near over.
They pissed off the wrong customer.
But you and barb are done.
Okay? The whole idea of you two together has completely messed me up.
Worst birthday gift ever,by the way.
I don't know how you got from cashmere wrap to that.
Never again, do you hear me? What are you talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
I forbid you from seeing barb.
Forbid me?You can't do that.
Oh, yeah, I think I can.
You work for me,you live in my house,you're my little brother-- consider yourself forbidden.
You can't talk to me like a child.
I'm going to my room.
My room.
I own you.
I own you, matthew.
Nobody owns matthew but matthew! I am so not attracted to him right now.
My coffee! Who's yelling? Are you on the phone with sizzler again? Why aren't you dressed? I told you I was picking you up at 8:00.
Yeah, well, I had a rough night.
Listen, I have come to the conclusion That I am not okay with you dating matthew.
In fact,I'm gonna have to forbid you.
Forbid me? I don't think you want to do that.
- Well,as your boss - as your partner.
As the senior partner I forbid it.
As the partner who can kick your ass,I'll date whoever I want.
Not my brother.
Yeah,your brother.
Barb,you know,honestly,I-I just cannot believe how ungrateful you're being right now.
And exactly what am I supposed to be grateful for? Barb,come on,don't make me say it.
Everything.
You're incredible.
Thank you.
Y-you know,my relationship with matthew has nothing to do with you.
it has everything to do with me.
No.
It's about me,and it's about matthew, and it's about the fact that if I want to date matthew and ve sex with matthew, there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Well,yes,there is.
If I want to go back there and have sex with matthew right now,I can just do it.
Well,I forbid it.
- I'm doing it.
- No.
- We're doing it.
I'm doing it.
- No,I forbid it.
No,I forbid it.
No,barb,I forbid it! I forbid it!I forbid it!I forbid it! No! No,I forbid it!I for no! I forbid it!I forbid it! - We're doing it! - No! Mamahew,geg out here! Don't you stay inside! - Matthew! - Matthew! - Matthew! - Come to mama! Stay inside! Stay inside,matthew.
Stay inside! I for bid it.
I brought you your birthday present.
I think you're really gonna like it.
- Is it a gag gift? - No.
It's a wineglass.
Here,let me pour you some wine.
- Is it gonna dribble down my chin? - Christine! All right,well,if you're opposed to having fun, don't open the can of peanuts that ritchie's gonna give you.
Richard I made out with matthew.
Oh,my god! You finally did it.
It was the only thing left.
In a dream! God! Christine,if it's a dream,you start with "I had a dream!" I thought you meant for real.
Geez! What are you doing? I wanted it be as upsetting for you as it was for me.
Why? I don't know.
But I had to tell someone,and the worst part is,I forbid them from dating, and they're gonna date anyway.
Hold on,are you telling me they are in violation of your royal decree? Off with their heads! Richard,don't make fun-- this is serious business.
I'm having a really hard time with it.
It's my birthday month! I-I understand it's gonna take a minute to get used to the idea,but you're making this about you.
Right.
No,I'm saying that's wrong.
Wrong? How could that be wrong? Because there are other people involved.
Who? Barb and matthew! Oh,yeah.
Oh,I see what you're saying.
They did this to me.
Let me get you a glass of wine.
I hate her.
I should've punched her,that's what I should've done.
Forbid me-- forbid this.
Why is this her business? It's not-- if we want to be in love,we can be in love.
Are we in love? I don't know.
It'll really piss christine off.
Okay,I'll be in love.
Seriously,are we gonna try this? I don't know,it was fun in the garage.
Yeah,it was.
Wait,what are you doing? Just thought you said oh,no,I want to.
I do,but could we take it slow? Oh,yeah,of course,of course.
This is nice.
This'll show her.
What if they're happy together? What if they're more than happy together? What if they're soul mates? You know how hard it is to find someone.
I've never done it.
I was there.
So,maybe instead of thinking about how this affects you, you should be thinking about how it affects someone else.
Just try thinking about them without thinking about you.
All right,I can do that.
so,they're dating,so that'S nice for them.
- And it could be good for me because - no,no,no,no.
Not about you,just for a second.
If they moved in together,then I - If they got married,my,uh - who? They might be very happy together.
That's it.
That's it? Then who am I mad at? You've still got sizzler.
All you can eat means all you can eat,richard.
All you can eat does not mean all you can fit in your purse.
Well,they're gonna need to get a better sign,then,right? this isn't happening,is it? Oh,I think it was only happening in the first place to piss christine off.
Not in the garage-- ththgarage was fun.
The garage was great.
- Does this building have a garage? - No.
What are we gonna do? We can't let christine think she can forbid us.
No,we can't-- we're not gonna back down.
That's right-- we'll get married if we have to.
By the way,my family's gonna hate you.
Yeah,my grandfather's not exactly gonna make a toast,either.
what do you want,christine? Did you forget to forbid somethin oh,I deserve that.
No,you deserve more than that.
Easy,honey.
No,honey's right.
And stupid richard is right,okay? This isn't about me.
If you guys are happy together as a couple,then that's great, no matter how much it completely grosses me out.
You can just go ahead and be a couple and kiss.
- That's okay.
- We're good.
No,really,I know I made it awkward for you guys before,so just go ahead and kiss.
Kiss.
Come on,kiss.
Kiss!Kiss!Kiss!Kiss!Kiss!Kiss! - Ki - stop it! Wh-why? We're not really that into each other anymore.
But I just got used to the idea.
It was too weird.
Yeah,we were just doing it to piss you off.
That is why you slept together? Oh,no,no,no,that was for fun.
- Sosouch fun.
- Stop it.
But after that,it was mainly to piss you off.
Oh,so this whole time you were thinking about me? - Yep.
- Sorry.
Yeah.
I knew it was about me.
Stupid richard.
I am hungry,but I'm not seeing anything I want.
I see something i want.
stupid christine!