The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s03e09 Episode Script
Earth
For the past few years, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
Let's accept, right, that at some point, about 13, 14 billion years ago, there was nothing.
There was no space for there nothing to be in.
There was no darkness, no light, no, nothing.
Okay, literally nothing, except What is nearly a point in space that contained everything in the known universe, okay? Suddenly, that Exploded and in a matter of minutes, the universe was pretty much as it is now.
And in all the debris, in all the dust, things started to cling together, one of which was the Earth.
Can I have Karl pick up the story from there? Um, probably nothing for quite a bit.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Just sort of floated about.
Yeah.
But it wasn't causing a problem cause it wasn't annoying anyone.
No.
No.
See we don't get a chance of that these days.
You pop something down, someone says move that.
Dangerous, what is it? - Yeah.
- Back then, nothing.
So it's hanging around and If you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.
Right.
Okay.
If you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, something, something had to sort of happen, didn't it? I tell you what it's like.
Go on.
In the same way, uh, penicillin happened.
Go on.
Go on.
It was, the bread was sat there.
It goes off.
RICKY: Hmm.
Air would have, uh, created the greenness.
Oh God, this sounds like the Bible.
That is, that is like the Bible, "Air created the greenness.
" That's amazing.
Oh God.
Carry on, carry on.
Cause I wanna, I'm, I mean, I'm learning here, I'm learning.
And once you've got something that leads to otherness.
This is like, this is like a monk, so he sat down.
Oh, that's amazing.
We all sat cross-legged listening to the wise old man.
Yeah, I know.
What are you gonna do? "I'm gonna write a thing about everything was created.
" Well, hang on, carry on, cause I'm interested.
Really? Yeah.
So where are we? So we've got, so we've got, we had greenness and now we've got something? So the air created the greenness and then, what is it? Then we have, what was Otherness.
KARL: Just otherness.
From the greenness.
Because once you've got, once you've got From greenness comes otherness.
Once you've got one thing, others come.
Yes.
The air created the greenness, then you got otherness.
If you create something, others will come.
Oh "Build it and they will come.
" But he's sort of, he's sort of right Yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying greenness, but take me, take me on Continue this, this, this story, cause this is fascinating.
So what, we are we now then? What If I was to stand on the earth at this moment in time, what would I see? Um, not that much.
You wouldn't wanna stay.
But there's greenness.
Little, little patches of greenness.
Little patches of greenness, okay.
Little bit of rubble knocking around.
Barney.
You have rubble, there's a bit of rubble, okay.
Um We've still got a long way to go.
We wanna get to life.
Don't we? So, let's Skip forward, Karl, to life.
So, so, so everything was right, okay? It was the right distance from the sun, okay.
- Yeah but even if it wasn't, we'd have - It has weight We would still have been created.
No, we wouldn't have.
We would.
Something would have done.
No, we wouldn't have.
I want to hear Karl's opinion on this, Rick.
I am not interested in facts.
I want to hear Karl's opinion.
So, are you saying, um, if, if the atmosphere Right, around the earth, wasn't about 99% nitrogen oxygen with we'd have still had something else? Something that would have been around.
What would it have been? I'm not saying it might, it might be better than us, it might be worse than us.
What would it look like? Um, well, it's, it's hard to say, because they say, don't they, that it's the conditions that mold ya into the shape and color.
Sure.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, you know, everything else that makes you the person that you are.
Okay, let's take Pluto, we know that's the farthest away.
- So, it's, it is dark and cold there.
- Right.
What, how do imagine the creatures that will develop there? Will Big eyes and hairy.
But how did they evolve? How did they evolve, though? Because we evolve, hang on.
cause they can't just You always say animals change to suit the conditions.
What? Yeah.
I'd have thought if there it's dark, you don't need eyes.
Because things that live underground or at the bottom of the ocean, they don't They don't have, uh, eyes or, or color, cause there's no point.
Yeah, but what I'm talking about Are we saying we're living inside Pluto? Or on the top of it, like we do here? Why would we live inside Pluto? There's no, it couldn't support life full stop.
But, but, um, this is one of the most ridiculous conversations we've ever had.
He's seriously considering whether he'd live inside or outside Pluto.
Cause everything's based on a ridiculously false premise.
No.
We're saying now that the world's overcrowded.
Karl, listen.
Right.
There's too many people on it.
Right.
We're running out of houses.
People are living in basements.
Now that's only one step away from, from being moleish.
From being moleish.
We're already going underground because we're running out of space.
We're being moleish.
Yeah.
Okay, right.
Come on, keep going, let him, I wanna hear his point.
Is that like being Amish? So what you're saying is Moleish people, they don't acknowledge that the crust of the earth? So you're saying, within five years There's gonna be sort of mole-like people living in basement flats with no eyes? But hold on, though, in your, in your, according to you The lower they go, the colder and darker they go, the hairier and better eyes they'll have? Uh, well it depends.
Now, I was only saying They'd have better eyes if they were on a dark planet where they're outside.
So they still have to look out for things that they could trip over.
If we go, if we go, if we're going underground Sole concern.
Yeah.
That's the whole evolution We don't wanna trip over.
I don't want to graze my knees.
You've got knees.
They've got them on earth.
Coincidence, isn't it? Hub, hub.
Do you recycle? Don't really do all, I don't separate stuff.
I don't sort of put There's the cans, there's, there's the paper.
You don't do that? You just throw it away, do you? Yeah.
Oh, that's bad That annoys me.
That annoys me when you just put it in a landfill, mate.
Come on.
Yeah.
But I haven't got all the bins.
That annoys me There isn't enough room for all the bins.
Yeah we have to do You've got a recycle box you stick outside.
Yeah.
- What are you on about? - Recycle box, yeah.
I haven't gone one.
Well, no, you gotta, you gotta ask for one.
I tried to get rid of a, um, a sofa, right.
I was getting a new sofa, had the old one.
You try and get rid one of them, it's murder.
Right? I called up the council and said, "I wanna get rid of it.
" They said, "We're not coming round there till Friday.
" It was like a Monday.
I said, "It's in the way so I'll put it outside.
" They said, "You put it outside, you'll get a fine.
" I said, "Yeah, but you don't know where I'm gonna put it outside.
" Yeah.
No.
"It's not outside my house.
" So they said, "Well you do that, we've got your number now" "What's the sofa like?" "It's a beige one.
" "Well if we see that, right" So, um, they said, "If you, if you wanna pay to have it collected, we can come get it tomorrow, 30 quid.
" I said, "I'm not paying for it.
That's madness.
" So hung up, annoyed.
Called me dad up.
He said, "Oh I saw this thing on the telly" "Saying that you can donate your furniture to people that haven't got a sofa.
" "Look it up on the Internet.
" So I looked it up, there's a firm that does it.
Right.
Uh, right cheeky sorts.
Called em up.
I said, "I got this sofa here.
" "I wanna donate it to someone who hasn't got a sofa.
" They said, "Um, what's it like?" "Is it in good condition?" "Yeah, it's all right, yeah.
" "Well, why are you getting rid of it?" I said, "Because we've moved into a bit of a bigger place", and the sofa looks daft in the corner.
""It's too small, so I'm getting a bigger one.
There's nothing wrong with it.
" "How big is it? How many people does it sit?" Said, "Depends how big you are.
" "You can sit two people on it but it's not the comfiest, but it's in good condition.
" "I's none of your nonsense like stuff.
It was expensive when I bought it.
" He said, "Right.
" He said, uh, "Is it safe?" I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Is it fag proof?" So I said, "I don't smoke.
" He said, "Well and go get the, um, lift the thing up.
" He's got me running around looking at me sofa when all, I'm giving it away.
Had to lift it up, it had a picture of a fag on it.
I said "Yeah, it's got a picture of a fag on it.
" Uh, hang on.
And could I just point out, uh A fag is a slang for cigarette.
When he says, "Is it fag proof?" He's not gonna open the cushion and someone's gonna go "Yoo-hoo, it's me.
Ha, ha, oh" So I should explain that straightaway.
So anyway, turned out it was fag proof.
They came, picked it up, took it away.
Uh, that was that, but look at the hassle.
Look at the hassle it takes to get rid of something.
And then they say to you, "Do not be dumping stuff on the street.
" You know, it's, it's that thing of having to wait for certain days of the week.
And you can't always keep hold of something, till a certain day of the week, cause it's big.
A mattress, it's, is one of them things you can't get sort of rid of.
Or you can't stick it somewhere cause it's in the way.
It's a big clumpy bit of furniture, isn't it? Yeah, it's not a bit of furniture, really, a mattress.
Uh But I know what you mean.
Yeah, don't, don't lean on it, it's a bit, it's a bit spongy.
What do you keep in it? We can't keep anything in it.
It's just full of springs and stuff.
It's not really a piece of furniture, to be honest.
But you know what I mean.
It's part of It should be on a bed, to be honest.
It's part of a furniture bit, isn't it? Did I tell you that time when I don't think you could even ever count a mattress as a piece of furniture.
Of course you can.
It's functional and where do you stop? Is a pillow a piece of furniture? Is, is, a blanket? Oh a nice bit of furniture you're wearing.
They're me trousers.
They're furniture if you pop em up against a wall.
Did I tell you that time when we first bought a flat? Go on.
Bought a flat in Manchester, right, and Yeah.
You know, when you first buy a place, it's expensive, isn't it? And it's a big bit of furniture, a flat, isn't it? So, you know, we bought a sofa, we got a table.
Sorry, you don't mean you bought a sofa, you ended up with a table.
- No, no.
Bought - Bought a sofa and a table.
Yeah.
Now I was, I was, I didn't, I didn't know Suzanne sent you to buy a sofa and you came back with a table.
Now back then, I wasn't as wise as I am now.
Fucking hell.
Oh, what was he, some snot in a jar? Can I just apologize to any snot in a jar that's listening, and was offended by that comment? All right, so, so I ordered a bed.
I ordered a bed.
Yeah.
It turned up.
Oh, well done.
Fucking hell, that's a victory! I thought, I thought That he worked out That's not the end of this story, is it? So I thought, I thought, I'm gonna get this in the bedroom, set it all up.
Suzanne comes home from work, the bed's done, she'll be well happy.
Yeah.
So I get it all up there in the lift, and what have you.
That thing is, seems like I'm missing something there.
Put it together.
No mattress.
How could you not notice there was no mattress? No, it's just because it's like, you know, I'm thinking, yeah, I've got all the screws.
I've got the slats for that, the bottom there's, there's the post and that.
I put it together Where's the softy, spongy bit of furniture that usually sits on top of the, uh The more rigid bit of furniture? So I called em up, I said, "There's no mattress with it.
" They said, "No, it's not part of it.
" I said, "What do you mean, it's not part of it?" "A bed isn't a bed without a mattress.
It's a climbing frame, right?" So, um, they said, they said, um "You know, you can buy one.
We have got them in for that thing.
" But it was like 400 and odd quid.
And I I don't know why you're telling me this, I know this.
This is, I've bought beds.
I understand this is how it works.
And a mattress isn't the bed.
No, the bed is something else.
"Yeah, but that's wrong.
You cannot use a bed without a mattress is what I'm saying.
" "So don't sell it without it.
" No, but some people replace the bed frame and keep the old mattress That's fine, that's fine.
Or the other way around.
Once you've invested in it, and you go, "Oh will I buy a new bed" "Or will I just buy a new mattress?" Fine.
Well, they're not gonna keep sending beds with new mattresses, in case you've already got the mattress.
What? A bed and a mattress Without any pillows and blankets is no good, but you don't expect that to come with it.
At least you can sleep on that.
You can sleep on a spongy bit.
You can chuck a coat over ya.
You can use the cushion off a sofa.
Yeah but they're not thinking, "Some fuckwit might buy it without the mattress, we might include it.
" So anyway, so I was like, "Oh, didn't think of this.
" I didn't think of this.
- So I called me dad up.
- I didn't think, so I called me dad up.
"Dad, it's your fuckwit son again.
" "All right, son, how's it going? What have you done?" "Bought a bed without a mattress? Oh" So I said, "Listen, I bought that bed.
There's no mattress on it.
"Can, you know, can you get us one?" So he said, "Oh I'll, I'll have a word, I'll call around, right?" So he calls back like an hour and a half later.
He said, "Uh, got your mattress.
" "Uh, go around to Alf's.
" Alf is me sort of uncle who isn't our uncle.
All right.
Yeah.
Um, he's the one who I've told you about who had two tellies.
One that worked, picture wise, and one that worked for sound.
RICKY: Perfect.
Slept in a rubber dingy, right? Now the thing is I remember Alf, yeah.
He, uh, he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, I've got a mattress.
Come and get it.
" So I go around there Why doesn't he sleep with a fucking mattress if he's got one? Why just live in a fucking boat if he's got a mattress? He's terrified of flooding.
Yeah.
I get there and, uh, it's in his van.
- Right.
- Right.
Sorry, driving around with a mattress in the back of a van? What is he, a fucking serial killer? Fucking hell.
So I thought, Suzanne's gonna be happy.
Dragged it out of the van, chucked it in the car.
Thought she won't even know.
Do you know what I mean? RICKY: No.
So, uh, so I dragged that back.
Oh, am I gonna make it? It's rush hour by this point.
Thinking, "Oh she's gonna get home.
" Anyway Get home, drag it into the lift and what have you.
Drag it up, drag it into the bedroom Dead prostitute falls off it.
Put a sheet on it and that.
Suzanne comes in, uh, she goes, what is that smell? Oh So I said, what? She said, it's like oil and diesel.
Hold on, why didn't you smell it? I know it doesn't make sense.
I think I just sort of got used to Maybe because I'd got in the back of the van, smelled that I thought that's in the van, then.
I got used to that smell.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's in the back of my car, folded up.
I'm, I'm concentrating on trying to get this bed made before she gets in.
Sure.
Uh, so anyway, she's going What is that? I said, I've got this off Alf.
She said, we can't have that.
She said, you know, it's a new flat.
Nice, clean flat and everything.
We got this old thing that stinks.
Get rid of it.
It was murder getting rid of that.
- And I had to tip it.
- All right.
I went round the back of some supermarket and left it there.
Because you call around Fly tipping.
Illegal fly tipping.
Well, no, because I think it's illegal and bad when you, when you chucking it out.
Say a bus stop or somewhere on a high street or something.
And people are going, that looks a mess.
I chucked it near the bins at a supermarket.
I'd gone out of me way.
I thought, "Where is this not gonna be offensive?" Why couldn't you just go on the tip? I think I did try the tip.
Oh no.
No, there's a massive queue.
There was a massive queue.
Ah laziness.
So laziness, Rick, sorry.
A queue at the tip? - A massive cue.
I remember it now.
- Where was this? Stratford.
Stratford, that was, I remember.
Why is there a queue for the tip? Don't know.
I remember, yeah.
I remember driving past it.
Going, I haven't got time for that.
And, uh, that was, that's So don't go on about you couldn't get rid of it.
It's cause you couldn't be asked to cue up, you lazy bastard.
Um Couldn't get rid of it.
But what was he thinking? Why was he panicking? One: Why did he get a bed without a mattress? Two: Why does he call his dad to get him out of mattress-related problems? His dad gives him "Alf.
Alf's got one in the back of a dirty, old fucking van.
" "Oh right, that should be all right.
" No, but the thing is, what I'm saying is, when I was in that bed shop And I'm going, oh yeah, good bed, good bed.
I'm sitting on it, I'm sitting on the mattress with it.
At no point did he say Now, have you thought about what sort of mattress you want? Have you got orthopedic problems or whatever? That didn't come up.
He said, there's your order.
There's your address.
I'm not a bed man.
I go to the bed man to get bed advice.
In the same way, same problem here.
I've had work recently with, uh "Dad? How do we get rid of a body?" "What?" "Let me call Alf.
" I've work done recently, right? Bathroom retiled.
Yeah.
Right.
It's been a nightmare.
- Polish fella Not a word of English.
- Right.
- Which makes it hard.
- Hmm.
I've got him in as a professional to do it.
He's sticking grout down the toilet.
You know, after they put like the grout in the tiles to finish it off.
Yeah.
Anything that's left, he didn't put it in the bin.
And get dispose of it properly.
He stuck it down the toilet.
Mmm.
Yeah.
And now it's there.
The grout's there at the bottom of the toilet.
Is it really? Yeah.
With a screw in it.
Well, you can drain it, can't you? You can turn the water off, get rid of it, drain the water No, it won't go around the U-Bend.
Stuck there.
Well, no you'd get it out, though.
You'd dry it off when there's no water in there.
Well just stick your hand in.
Dip your hand in there.
Why didn't you put Well last time I did that Once, last time you called up when I had me hand down a grid.
And you were going, "What are you doing? Get someone out to do that.
" You called up here.
I was up to me shoulder, Steve, in like "glunge.
" Glunge.
Now what annoys me, Rick, is he makes up his own words.
Oh I'm gonna use that for Flanimals, mate.
Do you know the carrier bag problem? Sure.
I was in, I was in the supermarket and, uh It's that point when they'd, uh, they turn round, and said, do you want a carrier bag? And I said, yeah.
I'd bought like milk, loaf, I think I bought some, um, pikelets.
Some what? What's a pikelet? It's like a thin crumpet.
I think you told me that before.
Pikelet.
There is a word I would get rid of.
Pikelet.
Thin crumpet.
There is a word I would get rid of.
I've got time to say thin crumpet.
I do not need a specific word.
Yeah.
Thin crumpet.
These, these, that's not a crumpet.
Why? Call it a pikelet or fuck off.
Too thin.
The thing is, I'd spent over a tenner anyway, right? Right.
I get to the till.
What is Can you make a pikelet by squashing a crumpet thin? It's tough to, I've tried that.
What, well, hang on What if you cut one in half? No, it doesn't, it's not the same.
No? I've tried squashing a crumpet.
How thick and dense is a crumpet, that you need a thin one? Depends where you go.
They've got thicker.
I'm not, I'm not enjoying the thicker crumpet at the moment.
Why? Because the outside burns and the inside does nothing.
It's like eating dough.
I've, I've cut 'em out of me diet.
Yeah Have you? What do you do? Go straight to Pikelets now? It's also because it's not the1950s any more.
Yeah.
So, uh, so I bought all this stuff.
It's over a tenner.
Um, said, do you want a carrier bag? I said, of course I do with all this, you know.
She said, five pence.
I said, you what? She said five pence for a carrier bag.
I said, I come here all the time for the Pikelets.
Good.
No, I'm right behind this, right behind this.
RICKY: Hmm.
Why? Charging for carrier bags.
Absolutely.
Yeah, makes you think.
Lazy bastards.
I take carrier bags down to the supermarket every time I go down there.
- Yeah we've got a drawer full of carrier bags.
- We use, we use - Steve, can I just put a question in? - Go on.
- I do normally.
I reuse em.
- Oh.
Ah.
But, I didn't know, I was on me way home from work that day.
Fine, but this is the problem.
So be it.
That's you nose.
Five P, otherwise you carry one with you.
Yeah.
Then you got another one, then you got Right, so I said, I said, how's that gonna work? How's my five pence gonna help the environment? Typical.
That is the attitude.
That sums it up, it sums it up.
Yeah, well at least it Makes you think.
Oh, it's the turtles.
It's the turtles.
RICKY: Right, yeah.
Yeah, turtles, that's why they get caught up in em, yeah, terrible.
She said, she said RICKY: They think, they think they're jellyfish.
And they go, ugh, swallow it, yeah, and then choke.
So I said, right, so it's, I can, I can kill a turtle, can I, for five pence? You're not bothered then? Why do you want to kill a turtle at all? What? Because if carrier bags shouldn't be out there Yeah.
Ban them.
But don't say You're killing turtles with free carrier bags.
If you wanna kill a turtle, five pence.
Oh, there you go, there's five pence.
Go and kill a turtle.
That's what's annoying me.
It's not compulsory, though, is it? What they're saying is that, that five pence goes towards something, doesn't it? She said, we can't give you carrier bags any more, cause you're killing turtles.
See there's no way she said, we can't give you Karl Pilkington, stop killing fucking turtles.
Five pence.
All I'm saying is, if carrier bags are killing turtles, stop making carrier bags.
Because the thing is, I can afford two carrier bags.
Two turtles are dead since I've been going in there.
Crrr crush.
So does it matter? Does it matter that much or not enough or what? What's the point here? For that five P, you could get a little fella out there.
When he sees a turtle going He goes and sticks his finger down his throat.
But what taste is he getting out of a jellyfish anyway? How will they Carrier bags are better, isn't it? Yeah, it gets "Oh, it's pikelet.
" Someone threw a perfectly good pikelet away.
Talking about the Earth, Karl is going around the Earth.
I've only done Egypt so far.
And what did you think of it? They're probably the, the greatest and earliest civilizations.
Certainly one of the greatest, yeah.
- Yeah, but they harp on about that a lot.
- Well, yeah.
And it's like, that's slowing 'em down, I think.
Unlike the English.
We don't drone on about our great past.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
But we shouldn't.
I don't think we should.
Karl, you go on about doing boxing.
Move on.
When you turned up once and got batted by Leroy.
- Yeah, cause you asked me about it.
- Right.
But the thing is, they're constantly It's like they haven't moved on.
Everywhere you go, you see the Sphinx or a pyramid on something.
And it builds it up too much.
So that when you actually get there You feel like you've seen it so many times, that it doesn't impress you that much.
But, I like the uh, you know, it's different.
I liked all the, you know, locals and stuff and the way they are and that.
And that's, that's good, isn't it? How are they? - Just a lot of old people.
- Yeah? Lot of old, and the old and the young mix more than our lot do.
Uh, there was only a couple of things I didn't like, and that was, uh, the toilets.
Toilets are pretty depressing.
Why? What's up with them? Just, um It's just a hole in the ground, isn't it? Right.
And I, I like the toilet.
It's sort of, you know, me time.
And to sort of go in one of them, you don't want to hang around.
Yeah.
They sort of you just want to do the job and get out.
But my insides don't work like that.
They like to sort of relax a bit and Uh, and you can't do that there, cause you've got flies whizzing around your head.
And, uh, there was one time when we were out and about, and I'd had a bit of hummus or something.
Because that's you can't get away from all that.
I'd been dipping my bread in it, and I suddenly thought "Oh, my belly feels funny.
" Gotta find a toilet.
Cut through this market.
Didn't, no one was there, but you sort smell it.
It's like, I'm getting close to one.
Yeah, it stinks.
RICKY: Really? Go in, there's like a fella sat there, really old.
He must have been about Uh, sat there with a rag, and you have to pay him to use the toilet.
What's the rag for? He doesn't wipe your ass for you? I don't know.
I don't know.
Well did he or didn't he? Well the toilet's never been cleaned by the looks of it.
I had to give him like five Egyptian pounds, whatever that is.
I don't know how much that is.
But I don't know what he's doing for that money, because the place had never seen a mop.
So I go in there, open the door, and it's like one of them holes in the ground.
I go, oh God.
Can't use that.
Push the next door open, that's the same.
Going, oh Get to the end one, open it, normal.
Normal toilet.
All right.
Ding-dong.
Brilliant.
Sit down there, do what I do, look round, no toilet paper.
Oh no! He's waving the rag over the top of the cubicle.
- Yeah.
Ten pound.
- More money.
So I'm thinking, "Oh God.
" I'm thinking, "Can I just get up?" Because it was clean, you know, I thought It was quite a clean drop, sure.
Yeah.
So I'm thinking, "Oh.
" Don't they use water though? Don't they use - Well they have a hose pipe, yeah.
- Yeah.
Use that.
But I didn't fancy that.
Well, that's cleaner though, isn't it? A hose pipe will get in a proper wash.
No, ick.
It was ick.
How can it be? Why? Why? Because that's just gonna That's, that's not gonna clean it properly.
It's gonna get rid of some bits isn't it? It's like when you clean a car.
Yeah, use a hose, but where's the sponge? Sure.
So uh, so Oh God.
You rinse off a plate, but then you always give it a little wipe as well.
Exactly, but I like it.
That's when the blokes knocks on the door, and goes You need sponge? Yes.
So I'm in there.
I look at the door, there's no handle on the door.
So I'm trapped in there anyway.
Someone has nicked the handle.
So I can't open the door.
I'm sat there.
There's no toilet paper.
I'm calling the, I'm calling like the people that I'm out there with.
Did you bring, did they bring you some toilet paper then? Um, no.
Well they got it from the like the fella with the, who you pay the money to.
Oh he had some.
Well you should have paid for some on the way in, see, yeah.
I think that's what you do.
But they don't give you a full, a full roll.
- They give you like a strip.
- Right.
Which I'm pretty wasteful with toilet paper.
I prefer to do a good job.
Use it up.
Replace it.
Rather than five sheets.
I've never done that in my life.
Yeah.
Right.
Um, so, um, my brother taught me something when he was in the army.
He said, you just have to sort of put your hand through it Get it all, then use that paper to get it off your hand.
What? When you're in the army, Yeah.
You're taught survival techniques.
Right.
And they said, if you're ever caught with very little toilet paper A survival technique.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not like Yeah.
How did die? Died of a dirty ass.
Hold on, wait a minute.
Right.
What is this technique? You get the toilet paper.
Right.
- Use two sheets.
- Right.
Fold it over so you've got normally to one sheet, it's two ply.
You've got four ply.
So is this sort of, it's like a bog glove? A bog paper glove? Yeah, so you put your hand through it so you make a hole.
- Yeah.
- What do you mean, make a hole? Make a hole so your hand goes through it.
Yeah.
Then you can wipe your, wipe your ass with that.
What, with your hand? Yeah, and then the toilet paper that's left, you pull it off like that And you wipe your fingers with it.
So you've still got shit on your hand.
This is horrible.
Yeah, but you've wiped it off.
Why just, why don't you just wipe your ass with the toilet paper? Because you've only got a couple of sheets cause you're in the jungle, right? And it's survival.
So it's survival, Rick.
But, hold on, though.
So, so what's the difference between wiping your ass I don't know.
With your hand, and trying to get shit off your hand? Maybe I got it wrong.
Or wiping your ass with the toilet paper and pulling your fucking trousers up? I don't know why this is a technique.
That's some sort of mad sergeant's idea.
What I like to do boys Is I like to smear shit all over my face And then use the one sheet of toilet to wash my face off.
It doesn't make any sense at all.
Should I suggest something for you? You like wiping your ass with your hand.
You don't like paper and water.
You like a sponge.
One of those big foam hands that you see at sporting events.
Sports events.
So you just go in with that like Kenny Everett.
You go in there with two big sponge on.
You sit down.
You wipe your ass.
You just leave them, like you just leave them there.
Yeah, and then you can cheer about it as you leave.
And everyone will know.
Be careful with the giant sponge finger then.
It'll go up the arse.
It'll cause damage, right.
There's a problem.
Oh God.
This is one of them.
Testing.
Is that all right? Hello, and welcome to The Ricky Gervais Show, with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant Hello.
And a little round-headed buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Right.
Let's accept, right, that at some point, about 13, 14 billion years ago, there was nothing.
There was no space for there nothing to be in.
There was no darkness, no light, no, nothing.
Okay, literally nothing, except What is nearly a point in space that contained everything in the known universe, okay? Suddenly, that Exploded and in a matter of minutes, the universe was pretty much as it is now.
And in all the debris, in all the dust, things started to cling together, one of which was the Earth.
Can I have Karl pick up the story from there? Um, probably nothing for quite a bit.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Just sort of floated about.
Yeah.
But it wasn't causing a problem cause it wasn't annoying anyone.
No.
No.
See we don't get a chance of that these days.
You pop something down, someone says move that.
Dangerous, what is it? - Yeah.
- Back then, nothing.
So it's hanging around and If you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.
Right.
Okay.
If you leave something somewhere, something will sit on it.
Yeah.
Yeah, something, something had to sort of happen, didn't it? I tell you what it's like.
Go on.
In the same way, uh, penicillin happened.
Go on.
Go on.
It was, the bread was sat there.
It goes off.
RICKY: Hmm.
Air would have, uh, created the greenness.
Oh God, this sounds like the Bible.
That is, that is like the Bible, "Air created the greenness.
" That's amazing.
Oh God.
Carry on, carry on.
Cause I wanna, I'm, I mean, I'm learning here, I'm learning.
And once you've got something that leads to otherness.
This is like, this is like a monk, so he sat down.
Oh, that's amazing.
We all sat cross-legged listening to the wise old man.
Yeah, I know.
What are you gonna do? "I'm gonna write a thing about everything was created.
" Well, hang on, carry on, cause I'm interested.
Really? Yeah.
So where are we? So we've got, so we've got, we had greenness and now we've got something? So the air created the greenness and then, what is it? Then we have, what was Otherness.
KARL: Just otherness.
From the greenness.
Because once you've got, once you've got From greenness comes otherness.
Once you've got one thing, others come.
Yes.
The air created the greenness, then you got otherness.
If you create something, others will come.
Oh "Build it and they will come.
" But he's sort of, he's sort of right Yeah, no, no, no, no, I'm not saying greenness, but take me, take me on Continue this, this, this story, cause this is fascinating.
So what, we are we now then? What If I was to stand on the earth at this moment in time, what would I see? Um, not that much.
You wouldn't wanna stay.
But there's greenness.
Little, little patches of greenness.
Little patches of greenness, okay.
Little bit of rubble knocking around.
Barney.
You have rubble, there's a bit of rubble, okay.
Um We've still got a long way to go.
We wanna get to life.
Don't we? So, let's Skip forward, Karl, to life.
So, so, so everything was right, okay? It was the right distance from the sun, okay.
- Yeah but even if it wasn't, we'd have - It has weight We would still have been created.
No, we wouldn't have.
We would.
Something would have done.
No, we wouldn't have.
I want to hear Karl's opinion on this, Rick.
I am not interested in facts.
I want to hear Karl's opinion.
So, are you saying, um, if, if the atmosphere Right, around the earth, wasn't about 99% nitrogen oxygen with we'd have still had something else? Something that would have been around.
What would it have been? I'm not saying it might, it might be better than us, it might be worse than us.
What would it look like? Um, well, it's, it's hard to say, because they say, don't they, that it's the conditions that mold ya into the shape and color.
Sure.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, you know, everything else that makes you the person that you are.
Okay, let's take Pluto, we know that's the farthest away.
- So, it's, it is dark and cold there.
- Right.
What, how do imagine the creatures that will develop there? Will Big eyes and hairy.
But how did they evolve? How did they evolve, though? Because we evolve, hang on.
cause they can't just You always say animals change to suit the conditions.
What? Yeah.
I'd have thought if there it's dark, you don't need eyes.
Because things that live underground or at the bottom of the ocean, they don't They don't have, uh, eyes or, or color, cause there's no point.
Yeah, but what I'm talking about Are we saying we're living inside Pluto? Or on the top of it, like we do here? Why would we live inside Pluto? There's no, it couldn't support life full stop.
But, but, um, this is one of the most ridiculous conversations we've ever had.
He's seriously considering whether he'd live inside or outside Pluto.
Cause everything's based on a ridiculously false premise.
No.
We're saying now that the world's overcrowded.
Karl, listen.
Right.
There's too many people on it.
Right.
We're running out of houses.
People are living in basements.
Now that's only one step away from, from being moleish.
From being moleish.
We're already going underground because we're running out of space.
We're being moleish.
Yeah.
Okay, right.
Come on, keep going, let him, I wanna hear his point.
Is that like being Amish? So what you're saying is Moleish people, they don't acknowledge that the crust of the earth? So you're saying, within five years There's gonna be sort of mole-like people living in basement flats with no eyes? But hold on, though, in your, in your, according to you The lower they go, the colder and darker they go, the hairier and better eyes they'll have? Uh, well it depends.
Now, I was only saying They'd have better eyes if they were on a dark planet where they're outside.
So they still have to look out for things that they could trip over.
If we go, if we go, if we're going underground Sole concern.
Yeah.
That's the whole evolution We don't wanna trip over.
I don't want to graze my knees.
You've got knees.
They've got them on earth.
Coincidence, isn't it? Hub, hub.
Do you recycle? Don't really do all, I don't separate stuff.
I don't sort of put There's the cans, there's, there's the paper.
You don't do that? You just throw it away, do you? Yeah.
Oh, that's bad That annoys me.
That annoys me when you just put it in a landfill, mate.
Come on.
Yeah.
But I haven't got all the bins.
That annoys me There isn't enough room for all the bins.
Yeah we have to do You've got a recycle box you stick outside.
Yeah.
- What are you on about? - Recycle box, yeah.
I haven't gone one.
Well, no, you gotta, you gotta ask for one.
I tried to get rid of a, um, a sofa, right.
I was getting a new sofa, had the old one.
You try and get rid one of them, it's murder.
Right? I called up the council and said, "I wanna get rid of it.
" They said, "We're not coming round there till Friday.
" It was like a Monday.
I said, "It's in the way so I'll put it outside.
" They said, "You put it outside, you'll get a fine.
" I said, "Yeah, but you don't know where I'm gonna put it outside.
" Yeah.
No.
"It's not outside my house.
" So they said, "Well you do that, we've got your number now" "What's the sofa like?" "It's a beige one.
" "Well if we see that, right" So, um, they said, "If you, if you wanna pay to have it collected, we can come get it tomorrow, 30 quid.
" I said, "I'm not paying for it.
That's madness.
" So hung up, annoyed.
Called me dad up.
He said, "Oh I saw this thing on the telly" "Saying that you can donate your furniture to people that haven't got a sofa.
" "Look it up on the Internet.
" So I looked it up, there's a firm that does it.
Right.
Uh, right cheeky sorts.
Called em up.
I said, "I got this sofa here.
" "I wanna donate it to someone who hasn't got a sofa.
" They said, "Um, what's it like?" "Is it in good condition?" "Yeah, it's all right, yeah.
" "Well, why are you getting rid of it?" I said, "Because we've moved into a bit of a bigger place", and the sofa looks daft in the corner.
""It's too small, so I'm getting a bigger one.
There's nothing wrong with it.
" "How big is it? How many people does it sit?" Said, "Depends how big you are.
" "You can sit two people on it but it's not the comfiest, but it's in good condition.
" "I's none of your nonsense like stuff.
It was expensive when I bought it.
" He said, "Right.
" He said, uh, "Is it safe?" I said, "What do you mean?" He said, "Is it fag proof?" So I said, "I don't smoke.
" He said, "Well and go get the, um, lift the thing up.
" He's got me running around looking at me sofa when all, I'm giving it away.
Had to lift it up, it had a picture of a fag on it.
I said "Yeah, it's got a picture of a fag on it.
" Uh, hang on.
And could I just point out, uh A fag is a slang for cigarette.
When he says, "Is it fag proof?" He's not gonna open the cushion and someone's gonna go "Yoo-hoo, it's me.
Ha, ha, oh" So I should explain that straightaway.
So anyway, turned out it was fag proof.
They came, picked it up, took it away.
Uh, that was that, but look at the hassle.
Look at the hassle it takes to get rid of something.
And then they say to you, "Do not be dumping stuff on the street.
" You know, it's, it's that thing of having to wait for certain days of the week.
And you can't always keep hold of something, till a certain day of the week, cause it's big.
A mattress, it's, is one of them things you can't get sort of rid of.
Or you can't stick it somewhere cause it's in the way.
It's a big clumpy bit of furniture, isn't it? Yeah, it's not a bit of furniture, really, a mattress.
Uh But I know what you mean.
Yeah, don't, don't lean on it, it's a bit, it's a bit spongy.
What do you keep in it? We can't keep anything in it.
It's just full of springs and stuff.
It's not really a piece of furniture, to be honest.
But you know what I mean.
It's part of It should be on a bed, to be honest.
It's part of a furniture bit, isn't it? Did I tell you that time when I don't think you could even ever count a mattress as a piece of furniture.
Of course you can.
It's functional and where do you stop? Is a pillow a piece of furniture? Is, is, a blanket? Oh a nice bit of furniture you're wearing.
They're me trousers.
They're furniture if you pop em up against a wall.
Did I tell you that time when we first bought a flat? Go on.
Bought a flat in Manchester, right, and Yeah.
You know, when you first buy a place, it's expensive, isn't it? And it's a big bit of furniture, a flat, isn't it? So, you know, we bought a sofa, we got a table.
Sorry, you don't mean you bought a sofa, you ended up with a table.
- No, no.
Bought - Bought a sofa and a table.
Yeah.
Now I was, I was, I didn't, I didn't know Suzanne sent you to buy a sofa and you came back with a table.
Now back then, I wasn't as wise as I am now.
Fucking hell.
Oh, what was he, some snot in a jar? Can I just apologize to any snot in a jar that's listening, and was offended by that comment? All right, so, so I ordered a bed.
I ordered a bed.
Yeah.
It turned up.
Oh, well done.
Fucking hell, that's a victory! I thought, I thought That he worked out That's not the end of this story, is it? So I thought, I thought, I'm gonna get this in the bedroom, set it all up.
Suzanne comes home from work, the bed's done, she'll be well happy.
Yeah.
So I get it all up there in the lift, and what have you.
That thing is, seems like I'm missing something there.
Put it together.
No mattress.
How could you not notice there was no mattress? No, it's just because it's like, you know, I'm thinking, yeah, I've got all the screws.
I've got the slats for that, the bottom there's, there's the post and that.
I put it together Where's the softy, spongy bit of furniture that usually sits on top of the, uh The more rigid bit of furniture? So I called em up, I said, "There's no mattress with it.
" They said, "No, it's not part of it.
" I said, "What do you mean, it's not part of it?" "A bed isn't a bed without a mattress.
It's a climbing frame, right?" So, um, they said, they said, um "You know, you can buy one.
We have got them in for that thing.
" But it was like 400 and odd quid.
And I I don't know why you're telling me this, I know this.
This is, I've bought beds.
I understand this is how it works.
And a mattress isn't the bed.
No, the bed is something else.
"Yeah, but that's wrong.
You cannot use a bed without a mattress is what I'm saying.
" "So don't sell it without it.
" No, but some people replace the bed frame and keep the old mattress That's fine, that's fine.
Or the other way around.
Once you've invested in it, and you go, "Oh will I buy a new bed" "Or will I just buy a new mattress?" Fine.
Well, they're not gonna keep sending beds with new mattresses, in case you've already got the mattress.
What? A bed and a mattress Without any pillows and blankets is no good, but you don't expect that to come with it.
At least you can sleep on that.
You can sleep on a spongy bit.
You can chuck a coat over ya.
You can use the cushion off a sofa.
Yeah but they're not thinking, "Some fuckwit might buy it without the mattress, we might include it.
" So anyway, so I was like, "Oh, didn't think of this.
" I didn't think of this.
- So I called me dad up.
- I didn't think, so I called me dad up.
"Dad, it's your fuckwit son again.
" "All right, son, how's it going? What have you done?" "Bought a bed without a mattress? Oh" So I said, "Listen, I bought that bed.
There's no mattress on it.
"Can, you know, can you get us one?" So he said, "Oh I'll, I'll have a word, I'll call around, right?" So he calls back like an hour and a half later.
He said, "Uh, got your mattress.
" "Uh, go around to Alf's.
" Alf is me sort of uncle who isn't our uncle.
All right.
Yeah.
Um, he's the one who I've told you about who had two tellies.
One that worked, picture wise, and one that worked for sound.
RICKY: Perfect.
Slept in a rubber dingy, right? Now the thing is I remember Alf, yeah.
He, uh, he said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, I've got a mattress.
Come and get it.
" So I go around there Why doesn't he sleep with a fucking mattress if he's got one? Why just live in a fucking boat if he's got a mattress? He's terrified of flooding.
Yeah.
I get there and, uh, it's in his van.
- Right.
- Right.
Sorry, driving around with a mattress in the back of a van? What is he, a fucking serial killer? Fucking hell.
So I thought, Suzanne's gonna be happy.
Dragged it out of the van, chucked it in the car.
Thought she won't even know.
Do you know what I mean? RICKY: No.
So, uh, so I dragged that back.
Oh, am I gonna make it? It's rush hour by this point.
Thinking, "Oh she's gonna get home.
" Anyway Get home, drag it into the lift and what have you.
Drag it up, drag it into the bedroom Dead prostitute falls off it.
Put a sheet on it and that.
Suzanne comes in, uh, she goes, what is that smell? Oh So I said, what? She said, it's like oil and diesel.
Hold on, why didn't you smell it? I know it doesn't make sense.
I think I just sort of got used to Maybe because I'd got in the back of the van, smelled that I thought that's in the van, then.
I got used to that smell.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's in the back of my car, folded up.
I'm, I'm concentrating on trying to get this bed made before she gets in.
Sure.
Uh, so anyway, she's going What is that? I said, I've got this off Alf.
She said, we can't have that.
She said, you know, it's a new flat.
Nice, clean flat and everything.
We got this old thing that stinks.
Get rid of it.
It was murder getting rid of that.
- And I had to tip it.
- All right.
I went round the back of some supermarket and left it there.
Because you call around Fly tipping.
Illegal fly tipping.
Well, no, because I think it's illegal and bad when you, when you chucking it out.
Say a bus stop or somewhere on a high street or something.
And people are going, that looks a mess.
I chucked it near the bins at a supermarket.
I'd gone out of me way.
I thought, "Where is this not gonna be offensive?" Why couldn't you just go on the tip? I think I did try the tip.
Oh no.
No, there's a massive queue.
There was a massive queue.
Ah laziness.
So laziness, Rick, sorry.
A queue at the tip? - A massive cue.
I remember it now.
- Where was this? Stratford.
Stratford, that was, I remember.
Why is there a queue for the tip? Don't know.
I remember, yeah.
I remember driving past it.
Going, I haven't got time for that.
And, uh, that was, that's So don't go on about you couldn't get rid of it.
It's cause you couldn't be asked to cue up, you lazy bastard.
Um Couldn't get rid of it.
But what was he thinking? Why was he panicking? One: Why did he get a bed without a mattress? Two: Why does he call his dad to get him out of mattress-related problems? His dad gives him "Alf.
Alf's got one in the back of a dirty, old fucking van.
" "Oh right, that should be all right.
" No, but the thing is, what I'm saying is, when I was in that bed shop And I'm going, oh yeah, good bed, good bed.
I'm sitting on it, I'm sitting on the mattress with it.
At no point did he say Now, have you thought about what sort of mattress you want? Have you got orthopedic problems or whatever? That didn't come up.
He said, there's your order.
There's your address.
I'm not a bed man.
I go to the bed man to get bed advice.
In the same way, same problem here.
I've had work recently with, uh "Dad? How do we get rid of a body?" "What?" "Let me call Alf.
" I've work done recently, right? Bathroom retiled.
Yeah.
Right.
It's been a nightmare.
- Polish fella Not a word of English.
- Right.
- Which makes it hard.
- Hmm.
I've got him in as a professional to do it.
He's sticking grout down the toilet.
You know, after they put like the grout in the tiles to finish it off.
Yeah.
Anything that's left, he didn't put it in the bin.
And get dispose of it properly.
He stuck it down the toilet.
Mmm.
Yeah.
And now it's there.
The grout's there at the bottom of the toilet.
Is it really? Yeah.
With a screw in it.
Well, you can drain it, can't you? You can turn the water off, get rid of it, drain the water No, it won't go around the U-Bend.
Stuck there.
Well, no you'd get it out, though.
You'd dry it off when there's no water in there.
Well just stick your hand in.
Dip your hand in there.
Why didn't you put Well last time I did that Once, last time you called up when I had me hand down a grid.
And you were going, "What are you doing? Get someone out to do that.
" You called up here.
I was up to me shoulder, Steve, in like "glunge.
" Glunge.
Now what annoys me, Rick, is he makes up his own words.
Oh I'm gonna use that for Flanimals, mate.
Do you know the carrier bag problem? Sure.
I was in, I was in the supermarket and, uh It's that point when they'd, uh, they turn round, and said, do you want a carrier bag? And I said, yeah.
I'd bought like milk, loaf, I think I bought some, um, pikelets.
Some what? What's a pikelet? It's like a thin crumpet.
I think you told me that before.
Pikelet.
There is a word I would get rid of.
Pikelet.
Thin crumpet.
There is a word I would get rid of.
I've got time to say thin crumpet.
I do not need a specific word.
Yeah.
Thin crumpet.
These, these, that's not a crumpet.
Why? Call it a pikelet or fuck off.
Too thin.
The thing is, I'd spent over a tenner anyway, right? Right.
I get to the till.
What is Can you make a pikelet by squashing a crumpet thin? It's tough to, I've tried that.
What, well, hang on What if you cut one in half? No, it doesn't, it's not the same.
No? I've tried squashing a crumpet.
How thick and dense is a crumpet, that you need a thin one? Depends where you go.
They've got thicker.
I'm not, I'm not enjoying the thicker crumpet at the moment.
Why? Because the outside burns and the inside does nothing.
It's like eating dough.
I've, I've cut 'em out of me diet.
Yeah Have you? What do you do? Go straight to Pikelets now? It's also because it's not the1950s any more.
Yeah.
So, uh, so I bought all this stuff.
It's over a tenner.
Um, said, do you want a carrier bag? I said, of course I do with all this, you know.
She said, five pence.
I said, you what? She said five pence for a carrier bag.
I said, I come here all the time for the Pikelets.
Good.
No, I'm right behind this, right behind this.
RICKY: Hmm.
Why? Charging for carrier bags.
Absolutely.
Yeah, makes you think.
Lazy bastards.
I take carrier bags down to the supermarket every time I go down there.
- Yeah we've got a drawer full of carrier bags.
- We use, we use - Steve, can I just put a question in? - Go on.
- I do normally.
I reuse em.
- Oh.
Ah.
But, I didn't know, I was on me way home from work that day.
Fine, but this is the problem.
So be it.
That's you nose.
Five P, otherwise you carry one with you.
Yeah.
Then you got another one, then you got Right, so I said, I said, how's that gonna work? How's my five pence gonna help the environment? Typical.
That is the attitude.
That sums it up, it sums it up.
Yeah, well at least it Makes you think.
Oh, it's the turtles.
It's the turtles.
RICKY: Right, yeah.
Yeah, turtles, that's why they get caught up in em, yeah, terrible.
She said, she said RICKY: They think, they think they're jellyfish.
And they go, ugh, swallow it, yeah, and then choke.
So I said, right, so it's, I can, I can kill a turtle, can I, for five pence? You're not bothered then? Why do you want to kill a turtle at all? What? Because if carrier bags shouldn't be out there Yeah.
Ban them.
But don't say You're killing turtles with free carrier bags.
If you wanna kill a turtle, five pence.
Oh, there you go, there's five pence.
Go and kill a turtle.
That's what's annoying me.
It's not compulsory, though, is it? What they're saying is that, that five pence goes towards something, doesn't it? She said, we can't give you carrier bags any more, cause you're killing turtles.
See there's no way she said, we can't give you Karl Pilkington, stop killing fucking turtles.
Five pence.
All I'm saying is, if carrier bags are killing turtles, stop making carrier bags.
Because the thing is, I can afford two carrier bags.
Two turtles are dead since I've been going in there.
Crrr crush.
So does it matter? Does it matter that much or not enough or what? What's the point here? For that five P, you could get a little fella out there.
When he sees a turtle going He goes and sticks his finger down his throat.
But what taste is he getting out of a jellyfish anyway? How will they Carrier bags are better, isn't it? Yeah, it gets "Oh, it's pikelet.
" Someone threw a perfectly good pikelet away.
Talking about the Earth, Karl is going around the Earth.
I've only done Egypt so far.
And what did you think of it? They're probably the, the greatest and earliest civilizations.
Certainly one of the greatest, yeah.
- Yeah, but they harp on about that a lot.
- Well, yeah.
And it's like, that's slowing 'em down, I think.
Unlike the English.
We don't drone on about our great past.
Yeah.
No.
Yeah.
But we shouldn't.
I don't think we should.
Karl, you go on about doing boxing.
Move on.
When you turned up once and got batted by Leroy.
- Yeah, cause you asked me about it.
- Right.
But the thing is, they're constantly It's like they haven't moved on.
Everywhere you go, you see the Sphinx or a pyramid on something.
And it builds it up too much.
So that when you actually get there You feel like you've seen it so many times, that it doesn't impress you that much.
But, I like the uh, you know, it's different.
I liked all the, you know, locals and stuff and the way they are and that.
And that's, that's good, isn't it? How are they? - Just a lot of old people.
- Yeah? Lot of old, and the old and the young mix more than our lot do.
Uh, there was only a couple of things I didn't like, and that was, uh, the toilets.
Toilets are pretty depressing.
Why? What's up with them? Just, um It's just a hole in the ground, isn't it? Right.
And I, I like the toilet.
It's sort of, you know, me time.
And to sort of go in one of them, you don't want to hang around.
Yeah.
They sort of you just want to do the job and get out.
But my insides don't work like that.
They like to sort of relax a bit and Uh, and you can't do that there, cause you've got flies whizzing around your head.
And, uh, there was one time when we were out and about, and I'd had a bit of hummus or something.
Because that's you can't get away from all that.
I'd been dipping my bread in it, and I suddenly thought "Oh, my belly feels funny.
" Gotta find a toilet.
Cut through this market.
Didn't, no one was there, but you sort smell it.
It's like, I'm getting close to one.
Yeah, it stinks.
RICKY: Really? Go in, there's like a fella sat there, really old.
He must have been about Uh, sat there with a rag, and you have to pay him to use the toilet.
What's the rag for? He doesn't wipe your ass for you? I don't know.
I don't know.
Well did he or didn't he? Well the toilet's never been cleaned by the looks of it.
I had to give him like five Egyptian pounds, whatever that is.
I don't know how much that is.
But I don't know what he's doing for that money, because the place had never seen a mop.
So I go in there, open the door, and it's like one of them holes in the ground.
I go, oh God.
Can't use that.
Push the next door open, that's the same.
Going, oh Get to the end one, open it, normal.
Normal toilet.
All right.
Ding-dong.
Brilliant.
Sit down there, do what I do, look round, no toilet paper.
Oh no! He's waving the rag over the top of the cubicle.
- Yeah.
Ten pound.
- More money.
So I'm thinking, "Oh God.
" I'm thinking, "Can I just get up?" Because it was clean, you know, I thought It was quite a clean drop, sure.
Yeah.
So I'm thinking, "Oh.
" Don't they use water though? Don't they use - Well they have a hose pipe, yeah.
- Yeah.
Use that.
But I didn't fancy that.
Well, that's cleaner though, isn't it? A hose pipe will get in a proper wash.
No, ick.
It was ick.
How can it be? Why? Why? Because that's just gonna That's, that's not gonna clean it properly.
It's gonna get rid of some bits isn't it? It's like when you clean a car.
Yeah, use a hose, but where's the sponge? Sure.
So uh, so Oh God.
You rinse off a plate, but then you always give it a little wipe as well.
Exactly, but I like it.
That's when the blokes knocks on the door, and goes You need sponge? Yes.
So I'm in there.
I look at the door, there's no handle on the door.
So I'm trapped in there anyway.
Someone has nicked the handle.
So I can't open the door.
I'm sat there.
There's no toilet paper.
I'm calling the, I'm calling like the people that I'm out there with.
Did you bring, did they bring you some toilet paper then? Um, no.
Well they got it from the like the fella with the, who you pay the money to.
Oh he had some.
Well you should have paid for some on the way in, see, yeah.
I think that's what you do.
But they don't give you a full, a full roll.
- They give you like a strip.
- Right.
Which I'm pretty wasteful with toilet paper.
I prefer to do a good job.
Use it up.
Replace it.
Rather than five sheets.
I've never done that in my life.
Yeah.
Right.
Um, so, um, my brother taught me something when he was in the army.
He said, you just have to sort of put your hand through it Get it all, then use that paper to get it off your hand.
What? When you're in the army, Yeah.
You're taught survival techniques.
Right.
And they said, if you're ever caught with very little toilet paper A survival technique.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's not like Yeah.
How did die? Died of a dirty ass.
Hold on, wait a minute.
Right.
What is this technique? You get the toilet paper.
Right.
- Use two sheets.
- Right.
Fold it over so you've got normally to one sheet, it's two ply.
You've got four ply.
So is this sort of, it's like a bog glove? A bog paper glove? Yeah, so you put your hand through it so you make a hole.
- Yeah.
- What do you mean, make a hole? Make a hole so your hand goes through it.
Yeah.
Then you can wipe your, wipe your ass with that.
What, with your hand? Yeah, and then the toilet paper that's left, you pull it off like that And you wipe your fingers with it.
So you've still got shit on your hand.
This is horrible.
Yeah, but you've wiped it off.
Why just, why don't you just wipe your ass with the toilet paper? Because you've only got a couple of sheets cause you're in the jungle, right? And it's survival.
So it's survival, Rick.
But, hold on, though.
So, so what's the difference between wiping your ass I don't know.
With your hand, and trying to get shit off your hand? Maybe I got it wrong.
Or wiping your ass with the toilet paper and pulling your fucking trousers up? I don't know why this is a technique.
That's some sort of mad sergeant's idea.
What I like to do boys Is I like to smear shit all over my face And then use the one sheet of toilet to wash my face off.
It doesn't make any sense at all.
Should I suggest something for you? You like wiping your ass with your hand.
You don't like paper and water.
You like a sponge.
One of those big foam hands that you see at sporting events.
Sports events.
So you just go in with that like Kenny Everett.
You go in there with two big sponge on.
You sit down.
You wipe your ass.
You just leave them, like you just leave them there.
Yeah, and then you can cheer about it as you leave.
And everyone will know.
Be careful with the giant sponge finger then.
It'll go up the arse.
It'll cause damage, right.
There's a problem.
Oh God.