The Sarah Silverman Program (2007) s03e09 Episode Script

[classical music.]
- Aah! - Aah! - Blehh! - Okay.
- Blehh! - Oh! - Oops! [birds singing.]
[tranquil music.]
- Dude, this took forever to heal.
- It's still there.
- Yeah, but it used to be a blister.
Now it's a scab.
- Oh.
- Skunk! [dramatic music.]
- [gasps.]
[spraying.]
[both screaming.]
- Oh, my God! [both screaming.]
[slow-motion shouting.]
[both screaming.]
- Why are we standing here? - I don't know! [both screaming.]
Oh! Oh, my God! - This is the worst day of my life! - Oh, my God! [slow-motion screaming.]
[tranquil music.]
- Do you want to get in the van? - Sure! - You've joined us just in time, Sarah.
We're taking an eternal voyage to the planet 815.
- No way.
That sounds so fun! Thank you.
- Till we meet again in the next phase.
- Ehh! Ooh! Limon.
[pouring.]
Mmm! Ahh! What, are we Going to bed already? What is this, a retirement home for younger Or, uh, multi-aged Eh.
Ah, I could take a napski.
[sighs.]
- Oh, yes, Frankie and I were playing marbles again.
Yes, he can come by anytime after school.
Okay.
Thanks a lot, Mrs.
Ives.
Yeah.
Frankie left his marbles here.
- Oh, poor Frankie.
- Poor Frankie? Never mind him.
Boy, oh, boy, if you get any prettier, I'm gonna lose my marbles.
[makes popping sounds.]
- [laughs.]
- Mmm! Mmm.
Ahh.
- Bye.
- Mm-hmm.
- Have a good day.
- Yes, you too.
- Bye.
Whoa! [falling down stairs.]
[loud bang.]
- Oh, my God.
[grunts.]
Uhh! Dude, I think we're supposed to use tomato juice To get rid of the smell.
- I don't think we have any "toe-mah-toe" juice.
- I know.
We'll use ketchup to wash it off.
- That's not gonna work.
Hey, look, I'll just go buy some "toe-mah-toe" juice, And while I'm gone, you can get started on the laundry.
- Um, I don't mean to be a Dick, But I think it's your turn to do the laundry.
Let's go look at the chart.
See? "brian: Laundry.
" - Yeah, well, look right there.
See, I washed a cup and I straightened up a magazine.
There's a little smiley face right there.
- You can't just add unagreed-upon chores To the chore chart, dude.
It's your turn to do the laundry.
- Hmm.
Well, I guess we're at a standoff.
- [exhales.]
Guys.
Guys? Sound sleepers.
[laughs.]
You know, I thought mission impossible iii Was the best of all of the mission impossibles.
You know, that was directed by j.
J.
Abrams.
[indistinct police radio dispatch.]
Shh shh shh shh shh! - Holy - I'll start at the other end.
- Okay.
- Jesus Christ! This one's dead! - This one too.
They're all dead.
- Oh.
- Sarah, I think it's beautiful that you're so trusting, But this is very important.
You cannot get into vans with strangers.
- Yes.
Sarah, listen.
Let me tell you a little story.
Once upon a time, a girl got into a van, And no one ever saw her again.
The end.
- Mm, yeah, I'm not following.
- Well, the-- - I'm serious, Brian.
I think yours is pretty.
- Yeah.
I feel like Sharon stone.
- Hey, Sarah, do you have any tomato juice? - Ew, there's a tomato juice? - Laura, what happened to your eye? - Oh.
Oh, I fell.
Fell down.
- It smells like a bong's vagina.
Come on, Doug.
Let's get out of here.
Get some fresh air.
- So we're clear? No more running off with strangers in vans.
- No more running off with strangers in vans.
- I have candy! - Oh, yum! [tires squealing.]
- It turns out that sick bastard was wanted For exposing his phallus to senior citizens.
The old.
You could have been next, Sarah.
- Sarah, I can't take this.
Preventing you from being molested is exhausting.
- And do you have any remorse For the amount of city resources you wasted today? Being rescued twice Because you don't have enough willpower To stay out of strange vans! - It makes me sick.
- Well, then, good.
- Good? Good that we live in a society that is so depraved, It isn't even safe to get into strangers' vans, Jay? I don't want to live in a world like that.
I-- I won't live in a world like that.
What's different about you? Did you gain weight? - Our next guest is dismayed By how dangerous our society has become, And she's decided to do something about it.
Please welcome Sarah silverman.
[honking horn.]
- well, she got her daddy's car and she cruised to the hamburger stand now [cheers and applause.]
- Hey, everybody.
- Sarah, hi.
So tell us what we're looking at here.
- Well, this beaut is just one In what I hope will someday be a fleet of millions In a project I call "the good van.
" - So you'll be patrolling our streets? - Nope.
I'll be picking up strangers.
When I pull up to people on the streets, They should get in my van.
If you're looking for a van to not get molested in, If you're looking for a van to get--what's the word?-- Dis-molested, uh, try the good van.
- But, Sarah, Isn't this just teaching our kids That it's okay to get into a stranger's van? - It sure is, Scarlett, and you know what? It is okay to get into a stranger's van, As long as that van has color tv, Xbox with rock band, The Internet, A fridge full of cool drinks, And a popcorn machine.
The only thing that's gonna happen to you In the back of my van Is you're gonna be entertained and refreshed.
[overlapping chatter.]
[tires squeal.]
Hey, kids, want to get in the van? [full house theme.]
- ah ah ah ah ah [tires squeal.]
whatever happened to predictability? the milkman, the paperboy, evening tv ah everywhere you look - everywhere you look - there's a heart - there's a heart - a hand to hold onto everywhere you look - everywhere you go - there's a face of somebody who needs you everywhere you look when you're lost out there and you're all alone a light is waiting to carry you home everywhere you look [tires squeal.]
[man groans.]
[tires squeal.]
bah bah bah bah bah dah [tires squeal.]
- Steve, you and Brian are fighting over power issues.
That's big stuff.
I wouldn't trivialize it By bringing up his pronunciation of tomato.
You gotta pick your battles.
Okay, sweetie.
Okay, bye-bye.
[phone rings.]
[sighs.]
What did you forget? [sizzling.]
aah! - I still think tearing up our carpet Was going too far.
- Yeah? I still think you should just do the laundry.
- Sigh.
- Wow.
Hey, guys.
Huh.
Wow, nice outfit, Brian.
Uh, did that come with free installation? [laughs.]
I'm just kidding.
It's nice to see you.
- Laura, what happened to your face? - Oh, I made a mistake ironing Jay's uniform.
- Oh.
- It was dumb.
- Um, I wonder if they have any blueberry blintzes.
- Oh, I'll help you look.
- I'm starting to think Jay has something to do with Laura's accidents.
- Maybe you're right.
Should we say something? - Let's just drop a dime to officer tig And see if she'll check in on them or something.
- "drop a dime"? - Yeah, it's the cool way of saying, "call and inform the authorities, such as the police, Of another's wrongdoings.
" - Hey, so why'd you bother To make a tinfoil watch, anyway? - Yeah, this outfit is stupid.
- You could just do the laundry.
- Well, that would be impossible, Brian.
It's not my turn.
Yep, they do have blueberry blintzes.
- Yeah, they left a while ago.
You guys were in that menu a long time.
- Ooh.
Oh.
Ah.
Honey, I'm so, so sorry that you keep having these mishaps.
- Oh, it's not your fault.
- Yes, actually, that's true.
Uh, and pursuant to that fact, I wonder if you could choose your words A tiny bit more carefully When telling people what happened to you.
- Why? - Well, um, as I learned in training, We learned that, uh, people use certain phrases Like, "I fell down," or "something fell on me" When they're trying to cover up Domestic abuse situations, you know? And we don't want people thinking I'm the one That's knocking you about, you know? - Yeah, as if you could.
- Oh! [imitates cat yowl.]
- [laughs.]
- I'm gonna bah doo Dee Dee yah [knock on door.]
- Oh, hi, tig.
Jay's in the shower.
- Yeah.
I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd swing by and pay a visit.
- Oh, how very nice.
- How'd you get that shiner and that burn on your face? - Oh, these? It's actually a really funny story.
I was, uh-- I was going outside, Going down the stairs, while Jay was up here, Because there's this little boy that he plays with And he had a little sack of marbles.
And then, um, I slipped and fell down, All the way down the stairs, And Jay was all the way up the stairs, And I was like, "aah! Nobody can catch me!" 'cause he was all the way up there, And I got to the bottom.
- What about that burn on your face? - Oh, well, um, I was ironing Jay's uniform, So I--the phone rang, and I thought, oh, maybe it's Jay, And I-- [laughs.]
This dum-dum right here answers the iron Instead of the phone, like, [imitates sizzling.]
Aah! Hello--ouch! [laughs.]
You know, we--we-- we have fun.
- So these are the stairs you fell down? - Yeah, mm-hmm.
Them's the culprits.
- [laughs.]
oh! Hey, Laura, this new soap you got, It smells like that town in Colorado That you love so much.
Peach nights.
Oops! I got it.
[slap.]
- oh! - Yeah, I'm gonna need to take you in.
- Uhh! Um, okay.
Now, listen, we can talk about this.
[music playing on van tv.]
- If you're having a good time, Be sure to tell all your friends.
- Hey, good van lady, can we pull over? I need to makeee-pee.
- Oh, just go in my mouth.
- Excuse me.
I'm sorry, could you-- Could I ask you a really crazy question? - Yeah, shoot.
- Do you ever have weird thoughts About, um, children? - Jesus! Hey, I don't know who you think you're talking to.
I would never look at a child that way.
- Of course.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I've been having these really strange-- - Well, j--j--wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Oh, my God.
Sign me up for that! Oh! Butterface.
Uhh! All right, I gotta go.
[engine starts.]
- It's the vans.
- How could anyone think that Jay Would domestically abuse me? I can't believe they won't let me be there While they question him.
- Maybe whoever called the cops Did it because they care about you.
- Yeah.
I just have to believe that the truth will come out.
Hey, are you guys sleepy? - No, why? - 'cause you're a pillow and a mattress.
- Uhh! - All right, I'm tired of making hilarious jokes.
I need to stay distracted until I hear from Jay.
I'm doing your laundry.
- No, it's his turn.
- No, Steve's supposed to.
- When you bicker, your heads grow thicker.
Resolve matters quicker and be happy in your ticker.
[falling down stairs.]
Ah! Eeh! Ooh! Eeh! Ooh! Eeh! [loud bang.]
- Do you ever get mad when she burns a pot roast? - No! Come on, really? - Okay.
Do you ever get mad when she burns a meatloaf? - She doesn't burn the meatloaf! - Goodod news! - What? What is it? - You weren't beating Laura.
- Oh, thank God.
- How do you know? - She just had another extremely unlikely accident.
- All right! I mean, oh, no.
Oh, no.
- Oh, she's okay.
She just re-blackened her black eye.
It turns out she just really needs glasses The whole time.
- Thank God.
[laughs.]
- Sorry about all this, Jay.
- Yeah.
Um, let me just--uhh! - Go to her, Jay.
- I will.
Guys, thank you very much.
Good job.
- Thank you.
- Well, it looks like we put that one to bed.
Both: Boo.
- Oh, man, I'm totally chafing.
- I hear you.
My undercarriage is a soupy mess.
- Hey, guys.
Hey, fellas.
I--do you guys need a ride? I mean, you look pretty uncomfortable in those getups.
Hop in.
I got a lot of clean clothes in the back of my van.
- What do you think? Sarah said it's okay for us to get in vans now.
- Oh, yeah, this must be one of her good vans.
- Then I don't see any danger In the two of us just climbing on in.
- Me neither.
- All this time I thought I was clumsy, And it turns out I just needed glasses.
[cell phone rings.]
Oh.
[rings.]
Sissles.
- Laura, it's the vans.
It's--it's the vans! - W-w-wait, slow down.
- I did some calculations.
The rectangular shape of the van Combined with the elevation of the seat Makes the driver want to molest people.
- Sarah, it's not the van's fault, okay? How can an inanimate object make someone perverted? - Laura, think about it.
If I knew the answer to that, I'd be rich.
[van doors opening.]
- Speaking of vans, I think I see Brian and Steve Getting into one right now.
- Comfy, comfy.
- What's--what's the license plate number? - [gasps.]
K-I-d-z-y-u-m.
- Uh-huh, got it, uh-huh.
Ew! - Yeah, okay, now, lick-- Now, can you lick the lollipop angry? Can you be mad when you lick them? [flash pops.]
ooh, ni--okay.
Now, can you be happy? Can you be happy when you lick the lollis? Oh, no! [flash pops.]
Oh, yeah, okay.
No, no, li--yeah.
Lick--lick--lick-- lick the lolli.
- Dude, I don't mean to be a Dick, But you gave us a ride And then we helped you out with your art project, So it seems to me like we're even.
So if you don't mind, we're gonna take off.
- Oh, I don't think that anybody is going anywhere Anytime soon.
- Wait.
Have you heard of the good van? - Good--? No, it doesn't ring a bell.
- [whimpers.]
- Now, switch clothes.
Switch clothes! Both of you, switch! - Okay.
- Honey, I think we made a big mistake.
- I know.
I'm scared, Brian.
- You're scared? Oh, good.
Then you should cry.
If you're scared, you should cry.
- Yeah, cry loud.
- [crying.]
- [laughs.]
there you go.
Nice.
[laughs.]
- [crying.]
- [laughs.]
- [wailing.]
- Cry harder! [laughs.]
- Aah! - Freeze! - Hey! - Come on.
Down, down, down, down, down.
- Okay.
[siren.]
- What were you going to do to them? - I don't know.
I was gonna wing it.
I mean, what's the difference? I mean, look around you.
Nothing in here is good.
I mean, it was gonna-- it was gonna be bad, you know? I mean, it was gonna be pretty bad, Now that I think about it.
- All right, let me see your hands.
Give me those hands.
Come on.
Let me see your-- - wait, wait, wait.
- Step over the little ax.
Come on.
Watch your step, watch your step.
[overlapping chatter.]
- Ow, ow, ow! Okay! - What are you, irish? Scandinavian? - You were always a molester.
It wasn't the vans.
- The vans? I mean, you're telling yourself fairy tales, missy.
I've been this way since the beginning of time.
Or at least between the beginning of time And when my dad shot my mom And blew his brains out on my birthday-ish.
- You are gonna think I'm lying.
That was gonna be my second guess.
- Come on.
- Did you hear that? Oh! - Thanks, officer.
Hey, I'm sorry I refused to do the laundry And, in turn, nearly got us raped.
- Yeah, that guy's into some weird stuff.
- Tell me about it.
Hey, you want to go home and fart in the toaster? - Is it Tuesday? - [laughs.]
no.
- Then, yes.
- I was wrong, Doug.
I mean, vans don't make people murder and rape And kidnap.
Vans are, like, a helpful tool In achieving those goals.
Vans are like chef hats for chefs, you know? Only in this case, the chef is making, like, Cream of rape.
Does that make sense? How was jujitsu? Doug.
Doug.