The Whitest Kids U Know (2007) s03e09 Episode Script
Wheel of Money, Butler Sketch, Hiking Documentary, Backseat
[ Game-show music plays, applause .]
Okay, everybody, who's ready to play.
.
.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! [ Applause .]
Okay, I've just been informed by our legal team that we're not allowed to chant the name of the show that way.
So, uh, from now on it will be AUDIENCE: Wheel .
.
.
of Money! Okay.
All right, now, let's meet our first contestant, shall we? Contestant number one is Sam.
Sam is an electrician in Nappa Valley.
Sam, you nervous? No, I've been on TV before.
Now, Sam, it says here that you have something you're legally bound to tell us.
I'm a convicted child molester! Ouch! Okay, well, now that that unpleasantness is behind us, let's play the game.
[ Applause .]
[ Screams .]
Holy God! [ Audience screams .]
What did you do that for? -I forgot to let go of the wheel! -What? I forgot to let go of the wheel, and my arms came off! That -- Okay, well, I've just been informed by our insurers that I need to remind the contestants that it's very important to let go of the Wheel of Money.
-Audience: Wheel! -No, no, no, no.
-Of! Money! -No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! And it's Wheel of Money! Okay? All right.
Now, let's move on to our second contestant.
Lydia, now, you're just a mom, right? That's right.
Okay, nothing to see here.
Let's just play the game.
But, let's play as safely as possible.
Okay, Pat.
I'm not Pat.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is just so much like Wheel of Fortune.
Okay, okay, but it's not.
It's not.
It's not that game.
This is a different game.
This is Wheel of Money.
Okay? -AUDIENCE: Wheel! -No, no! -Of! -Stop, stop stop! -Money! -Stop saying it like that! Stop saying it like that! Okay, I know! Thank you, thank you! Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Lydia, spin the Wheel of Money as carefully as you can.
I know.
I will.
[ Applause .]
Oh! [ Audience screams .]
Are you kidding me? I did it wrong! Yeah! You did! I know! I will tell them again, though! Please, for the love of God, Iet go of the Wheel of Money.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! One more time, please, Iet go of the wheel.
-So cold! -Well, I don't doubt it.
Can I spin it again? No, you can't, and no you can't.
Now, let's move on to our next contestant.
Contestant number three's name is Aubrey.
Aubrey is a hockey player in Montreal.
Wheel of Fortune! It's Wheel of Money.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of Money! Okay.
Now, Aubrey, if I could stress one thing to you, and I want to make sure you're paying crystal-clear attention.
Talk to me, Pat! Let go of the wheel.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, sure! That's all I'm going to do! Just spin her, and let her go! Spin her, and let her go, all right? Spin her, and let her on go! Spin her, and let her on go! Unbelievable! [ Audience screams .]
lce skates? CONTROL ROOM: Go to camera two! fuck! Go to camera three! Quick, camera one! Oh, my God! Sir, they're all dead! Well, just keep jumping around as fast as you can! If we don't fill up 22 minutes, we'll never get picked up! Just, uh, hit the applause sign! AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel of Money! Well, that show is fucking metal! Let's pick them up for the fall season.
Everybody involved in the production is dead.
Then let's go to lunch.
[ French horn plays .]
And now it's time for five seconds with a butler upon his first arrival in Haiti.
[ Ship horns blow, chickens cluck .]
Oh, my.
[ French horn plays .]
And that was five seconds with a butler upon his first arrival in Haiti.
Day four of the journey, Tom frecklebottom's ascent to the peak of Mount Gudo has been long and arduous.
He is now 1 OO miles from civilization.
Here, hydration and nutrition are his prime concerns.
As he nears the peak, food and drink will become more and more scarce.
Watch your step.
[ Rumbling .]
Boulders, run! [ Screaming .]
Help! Help! Disaster strikes.
Help! Pinned beneath a large boulder with no one around to come to his aid, -.
.
.
things are looking bleak.
-Help me! Help me! Put the camera down and help me! Without medical attention, this man will surely die and decompose here on this very spot, all of which you will see in this documentary.
What? As my crew sets up camp for the long wait, the man ponders his life and comes to grips with his fate.
Uh, Bill? We doing this? -Copy that.
Setting up! -Rick! No, Rick! -Bill! -Caleb, can I get a wateR Caleb, Caleb! Help me! Help me! Give me some water! Give me some water! Help! Caleb.
Minutes turn to hours.
Hours turn to days.
How long can -- Caleb, fetch me the tripod.
Tripod? How long can one man last in these conditions? We should probably set up for a time lapse here.
Time lapse! No --! [ Dramatic music plays .]
Two hours in and he's still alive.
Please, you got to help.
You got to help.
It hurts.
fortunately, the dying process was sped up when he was struck in the head by another large rock.
What? Mo.
No, that rock.
No, the one you were just playing with.
You want me to hit him with this? All right.
No! Rick? No! No, don't! Seriously, seriously! No, no! Yes! We got the back seat! Awesome! Whoa, check it out! Whoo! Back seat! Whoo! Oh, man, I love the back seat! Yeah, the back seat's the balls! Do you want to throw firecrackers out the window? Yeah! Yeah, yeah! [ Whistling .]
[ Explosion .]
Awesome! Hey, do you want to throw some of my lunch out the window? Abso-queefly! Whatever, come on! [ Giggling .]
[ Laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
-Oh! -Oh! Oh, man! That was awesome! Now I don't have any lunch, though! It's okay, buddy, you can have some of mine.
I'll share.
Thanks, dude! My food is your food.
You sound like a Communist! Not really communism, more like socialism.
If you think about it, socialism's not really that bad.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's kind of like just being really nice and fair.
If you think about it, socialism's like everybody helping everybody else out, and capitalism's like greed.
Hey! What are you kids doing back there? It's weird! It's like the only reason capitalism works is because it plays on man's biggest flaw.
Hey! What the hell are you doing back there? It's almost like if you're really working on developing your soul and being a good person, capitalism is constantly throwing obstacles in your way.
Hey! -Hey! -Yeah.
It's like the principles that every single religion teaches are directly opposed to the principles of capitalism.
I'm going to turn this bus around! I'll turn it right around! I guess that's where the whole great Satan thing comes from.
That's it! You kids are getting pink slips! -Hey, look! The girI's back! -Whoo! I caught your banana! Whoo! The back seat's awesome! Captain's log, February 14th, 2420.
Can't believe we're about to reach the edge of space.
I know.
Space is like a giant cloud, always expanding, ever-growing.
The edge of which was always just beyond our reach! But now, with the innovation of modern computers, we can harness the gravity from the Alpha Centauri System and literally slingshot ourselves Within moments, we'll pass through the edge of space and be the first astronauts to travel into the void! Yeah, I know.
Oh.
I'll just check my thermal spectrovision here to see how far we are away from the edge of -- I know what it does.
Oh.
Good.
It'll save me a lot of breath.
We can talk about other things that we're doing.
Besides space.
And what we're doing.
What kind of music do you --? We can talk about whatever.
Good, good.
I will use my spectrovision now to see how far we are away from the edge of -- Oh! We're coming up on the Hawkins Wall right now! Start the captain's log! Our instruments tell us that we are three seconds away from the edge of space! Two seconds! One second! [ Pop! .]
And it's all red! Oh, my God! The void is red! Well, that must be because -- Wow! I have no idea why that is.
Captain, can I ask you a question? Yeah? Did your heart stop? 'Cause mine did.
I believe it did! Hmm! Oh! There's a hot dog! That's weird.
ls it weird? Anything goes out here! I guess so.
[ Duck quacks .]
Huh.
Now there's a duck.
I wonder what he wants.
You see a duck? That's funny.
Because I see a terrier.
No, a duck is the one with the bill.
I know what a duck is.
Aar ruv roo! That dog just said he loves me.
Well, that's good because the duck just said, ''Satan''! You know, maybe we should just move along from this whole duck-terrier thing.
We're good! It's fine! You can go.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
We don't need any.
It's cool.
Bye.
Ah, I don't know how to say this, but I seem to be holding a lot of spaghetti.
That's interesting because I'm an English gentleman.
ls my head a giant eyeball? No.
Because it feels just like a giant eyeball.
No, it's a me.
Where'd I go? Maybe we should just turn around now, sir.
Agreed.
What? Okay.
Okay! [ Humming Beethoven's My heart started beating again! I'm sure mine will! Oh, by the way, happy Valentines Day, sir! Oh, today is Valentine's Day? Computer, did I get any incoming mail today? Negative on incoming mail.
Kelly? Sweetie? You okay? You okay? Sorry you had to see that.
Remember we had that talk about knocking? This is when knocking's so important.
What were you two doing in there? Well, I knew we were going to have this talk sooner or later.
Kelly, sometimes when grown-ups Iove each other very, very much, they express that love by hugging each other so tightly that their bodies almost fit together.
Do you understand? Okay.
Sometimes mommies and daddies will sleep together, and their bodies will connect.
Out of love.
Does that make sense? I think so.
And sometimes, after connecting for decades and decades with mommies, daddies get sort of, you know, tired of it all.
They-- Then they seek out something else to connect with.
Like donkeys? Yeah, yeah.
Like donkeys.
Do you love that donkey? Well, I love what I do with that donkey.
Were you hurting the donkey? No! Well, I have no really -- real way of telling.
You know, I don't think so, but maybe.
Nah.
I don't think so.
Well, do mommies connect with donkeys, too? No.
Your mommy's a whore.
She fucks everybody.
Do you want to see me? Ah, yeah.
Steven, um, come in.
Have a seat, will you? What's up? That's, um, quite a t-shirt, Steven.
It's casual Fridays.
Yeah, but aren't we being a little too casual? You said we can wear t-shirts on casual Fridays.
You said that last month.
Yeah, but your shirt says ''F^^^ this job, and f^^^ Brian.
'' And I'm Brian.
It's just a shirt.
It's not about you.
See, I find that hard to believe, Steven.
Okay, so, like, what? You want me to go change my shirt or something? Well, yeah, I do.
But I also think that you and I need to have a little chit-chat.
I mean, what's going on, buddy? Nothing.
ls anything wrong? No, I'm good, you okay? This is about the vending machine again, isn't it? Steven, that vending machine ate your quarter eight months ago! You got to learn to let stuff go, buddy! I've given you many, many quarters since then! I bought you a whole six-pack of Mr.
Pibbs! Yeah? Why would you wear that shirt? It's casual Fridays.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Last August, you go up to the soda machine, which isn't even on our property.
You put your quarter in.
It doesn't give you your drink.
And your first reaction is ''F'' this job? And ''F'' me? It's just a shirt.
[ Sighs .]
Here's seven quarters.
That's all I have on me! Are we good now? Please turn the shirt inside out.
[ Folk music plays .]
Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city A hippo in the city A hippo in the city Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo at the seaport A hippo in a taxi A hippo going shopping Right now, right now There's a hippo in the park Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city A hippo in the city A hippo in the city Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city Look at that hippo go! [ Gunfire .]
Right now, right now There's a hippo in the river A hippo in the river A hippo in the river Right now, right now There's a hippo in the river Look at that hippo rot! [ Jazz trumpet plays .]
Okay, everybody, who's ready to play.
.
.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! [ Applause .]
Okay, I've just been informed by our legal team that we're not allowed to chant the name of the show that way.
So, uh, from now on it will be AUDIENCE: Wheel .
.
.
of Money! Okay.
All right, now, let's meet our first contestant, shall we? Contestant number one is Sam.
Sam is an electrician in Nappa Valley.
Sam, you nervous? No, I've been on TV before.
Now, Sam, it says here that you have something you're legally bound to tell us.
I'm a convicted child molester! Ouch! Okay, well, now that that unpleasantness is behind us, let's play the game.
[ Applause .]
[ Screams .]
Holy God! [ Audience screams .]
What did you do that for? -I forgot to let go of the wheel! -What? I forgot to let go of the wheel, and my arms came off! That -- Okay, well, I've just been informed by our insurers that I need to remind the contestants that it's very important to let go of the Wheel of Money.
-Audience: Wheel! -No, no, no, no.
-Of! Money! -No, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! And it's Wheel of Money! Okay? All right.
Now, let's move on to our second contestant.
Lydia, now, you're just a mom, right? That's right.
Okay, nothing to see here.
Let's just play the game.
But, let's play as safely as possible.
Okay, Pat.
I'm not Pat.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This is just so much like Wheel of Fortune.
Okay, okay, but it's not.
It's not.
It's not that game.
This is a different game.
This is Wheel of Money.
Okay? -AUDIENCE: Wheel! -No, no! -Of! -Stop, stop stop! -Money! -Stop saying it like that! Stop saying it like that! Okay, I know! Thank you, thank you! Okay.
[ Sighs .]
Lydia, spin the Wheel of Money as carefully as you can.
I know.
I will.
[ Applause .]
Oh! [ Audience screams .]
Are you kidding me? I did it wrong! Yeah! You did! I know! I will tell them again, though! Please, for the love of God, Iet go of the Wheel of Money.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! One more time, please, Iet go of the wheel.
-So cold! -Well, I don't doubt it.
Can I spin it again? No, you can't, and no you can't.
Now, let's move on to our next contestant.
Contestant number three's name is Aubrey.
Aubrey is a hockey player in Montreal.
Wheel of Fortune! It's Wheel of Money.
AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of Money! Okay.
Now, Aubrey, if I could stress one thing to you, and I want to make sure you're paying crystal-clear attention.
Talk to me, Pat! Let go of the wheel.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, sure! That's all I'm going to do! Just spin her, and let her go! Spin her, and let her go, all right? Spin her, and let her on go! Spin her, and let her on go! Unbelievable! [ Audience screams .]
lce skates? CONTROL ROOM: Go to camera two! fuck! Go to camera three! Quick, camera one! Oh, my God! Sir, they're all dead! Well, just keep jumping around as fast as you can! If we don't fill up 22 minutes, we'll never get picked up! Just, uh, hit the applause sign! AUDIENCE: Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel! Of! Money! Wheel of Money! Well, that show is fucking metal! Let's pick them up for the fall season.
Everybody involved in the production is dead.
Then let's go to lunch.
[ French horn plays .]
And now it's time for five seconds with a butler upon his first arrival in Haiti.
[ Ship horns blow, chickens cluck .]
Oh, my.
[ French horn plays .]
And that was five seconds with a butler upon his first arrival in Haiti.
Day four of the journey, Tom frecklebottom's ascent to the peak of Mount Gudo has been long and arduous.
He is now 1 OO miles from civilization.
Here, hydration and nutrition are his prime concerns.
As he nears the peak, food and drink will become more and more scarce.
Watch your step.
[ Rumbling .]
Boulders, run! [ Screaming .]
Help! Help! Disaster strikes.
Help! Pinned beneath a large boulder with no one around to come to his aid, -.
.
.
things are looking bleak.
-Help me! Help me! Put the camera down and help me! Without medical attention, this man will surely die and decompose here on this very spot, all of which you will see in this documentary.
What? As my crew sets up camp for the long wait, the man ponders his life and comes to grips with his fate.
Uh, Bill? We doing this? -Copy that.
Setting up! -Rick! No, Rick! -Bill! -Caleb, can I get a wateR Caleb, Caleb! Help me! Help me! Give me some water! Give me some water! Help! Caleb.
Minutes turn to hours.
Hours turn to days.
How long can -- Caleb, fetch me the tripod.
Tripod? How long can one man last in these conditions? We should probably set up for a time lapse here.
Time lapse! No --! [ Dramatic music plays .]
Two hours in and he's still alive.
Please, you got to help.
You got to help.
It hurts.
fortunately, the dying process was sped up when he was struck in the head by another large rock.
What? Mo.
No, that rock.
No, the one you were just playing with.
You want me to hit him with this? All right.
No! Rick? No! No, don't! Seriously, seriously! No, no! Yes! We got the back seat! Awesome! Whoa, check it out! Whoo! Back seat! Whoo! Oh, man, I love the back seat! Yeah, the back seat's the balls! Do you want to throw firecrackers out the window? Yeah! Yeah, yeah! [ Whistling .]
[ Explosion .]
Awesome! Hey, do you want to throw some of my lunch out the window? Abso-queefly! Whatever, come on! [ Giggling .]
[ Laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
-Oh! -Oh! Oh, man! That was awesome! Now I don't have any lunch, though! It's okay, buddy, you can have some of mine.
I'll share.
Thanks, dude! My food is your food.
You sound like a Communist! Not really communism, more like socialism.
If you think about it, socialism's not really that bad.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
It's kind of like just being really nice and fair.
If you think about it, socialism's like everybody helping everybody else out, and capitalism's like greed.
Hey! What are you kids doing back there? It's weird! It's like the only reason capitalism works is because it plays on man's biggest flaw.
Hey! What the hell are you doing back there? It's almost like if you're really working on developing your soul and being a good person, capitalism is constantly throwing obstacles in your way.
Hey! -Hey! -Yeah.
It's like the principles that every single religion teaches are directly opposed to the principles of capitalism.
I'm going to turn this bus around! I'll turn it right around! I guess that's where the whole great Satan thing comes from.
That's it! You kids are getting pink slips! -Hey, look! The girI's back! -Whoo! I caught your banana! Whoo! The back seat's awesome! Captain's log, February 14th, 2420.
Can't believe we're about to reach the edge of space.
I know.
Space is like a giant cloud, always expanding, ever-growing.
The edge of which was always just beyond our reach! But now, with the innovation of modern computers, we can harness the gravity from the Alpha Centauri System and literally slingshot ourselves Within moments, we'll pass through the edge of space and be the first astronauts to travel into the void! Yeah, I know.
Oh.
I'll just check my thermal spectrovision here to see how far we are away from the edge of -- I know what it does.
Oh.
Good.
It'll save me a lot of breath.
We can talk about other things that we're doing.
Besides space.
And what we're doing.
What kind of music do you --? We can talk about whatever.
Good, good.
I will use my spectrovision now to see how far we are away from the edge of -- Oh! We're coming up on the Hawkins Wall right now! Start the captain's log! Our instruments tell us that we are three seconds away from the edge of space! Two seconds! One second! [ Pop! .]
And it's all red! Oh, my God! The void is red! Well, that must be because -- Wow! I have no idea why that is.
Captain, can I ask you a question? Yeah? Did your heart stop? 'Cause mine did.
I believe it did! Hmm! Oh! There's a hot dog! That's weird.
ls it weird? Anything goes out here! I guess so.
[ Duck quacks .]
Huh.
Now there's a duck.
I wonder what he wants.
You see a duck? That's funny.
Because I see a terrier.
No, a duck is the one with the bill.
I know what a duck is.
Aar ruv roo! That dog just said he loves me.
Well, that's good because the duck just said, ''Satan''! You know, maybe we should just move along from this whole duck-terrier thing.
We're good! It's fine! You can go.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
We don't need any.
It's cool.
Bye.
Ah, I don't know how to say this, but I seem to be holding a lot of spaghetti.
That's interesting because I'm an English gentleman.
ls my head a giant eyeball? No.
Because it feels just like a giant eyeball.
No, it's a me.
Where'd I go? Maybe we should just turn around now, sir.
Agreed.
What? Okay.
Okay! [ Humming Beethoven's My heart started beating again! I'm sure mine will! Oh, by the way, happy Valentines Day, sir! Oh, today is Valentine's Day? Computer, did I get any incoming mail today? Negative on incoming mail.
Kelly? Sweetie? You okay? You okay? Sorry you had to see that.
Remember we had that talk about knocking? This is when knocking's so important.
What were you two doing in there? Well, I knew we were going to have this talk sooner or later.
Kelly, sometimes when grown-ups Iove each other very, very much, they express that love by hugging each other so tightly that their bodies almost fit together.
Do you understand? Okay.
Sometimes mommies and daddies will sleep together, and their bodies will connect.
Out of love.
Does that make sense? I think so.
And sometimes, after connecting for decades and decades with mommies, daddies get sort of, you know, tired of it all.
They-- Then they seek out something else to connect with.
Like donkeys? Yeah, yeah.
Like donkeys.
Do you love that donkey? Well, I love what I do with that donkey.
Were you hurting the donkey? No! Well, I have no really -- real way of telling.
You know, I don't think so, but maybe.
Nah.
I don't think so.
Well, do mommies connect with donkeys, too? No.
Your mommy's a whore.
She fucks everybody.
Do you want to see me? Ah, yeah.
Steven, um, come in.
Have a seat, will you? What's up? That's, um, quite a t-shirt, Steven.
It's casual Fridays.
Yeah, but aren't we being a little too casual? You said we can wear t-shirts on casual Fridays.
You said that last month.
Yeah, but your shirt says ''F^^^ this job, and f^^^ Brian.
'' And I'm Brian.
It's just a shirt.
It's not about you.
See, I find that hard to believe, Steven.
Okay, so, like, what? You want me to go change my shirt or something? Well, yeah, I do.
But I also think that you and I need to have a little chit-chat.
I mean, what's going on, buddy? Nothing.
ls anything wrong? No, I'm good, you okay? This is about the vending machine again, isn't it? Steven, that vending machine ate your quarter eight months ago! You got to learn to let stuff go, buddy! I've given you many, many quarters since then! I bought you a whole six-pack of Mr.
Pibbs! Yeah? Why would you wear that shirt? It's casual Fridays.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Last August, you go up to the soda machine, which isn't even on our property.
You put your quarter in.
It doesn't give you your drink.
And your first reaction is ''F'' this job? And ''F'' me? It's just a shirt.
[ Sighs .]
Here's seven quarters.
That's all I have on me! Are we good now? Please turn the shirt inside out.
[ Folk music plays .]
Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city A hippo in the city A hippo in the city Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo at the seaport A hippo in a taxi A hippo going shopping Right now, right now There's a hippo in the park Look at that hippo go! Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city A hippo in the city A hippo in the city Right now, right now There's a hippo in the city Look at that hippo go! [ Gunfire .]
Right now, right now There's a hippo in the river A hippo in the river A hippo in the river Right now, right now There's a hippo in the river Look at that hippo rot! [ Jazz trumpet plays .]