The Wild Wild West (1965) s03e09 Episode Script

Ma'am, would you excuse me, please? Thank you.
May I help you? Why, yes, you may.
This $20 bill was deposited by your store at the bank this morning.
Do you remember who gave it to you? May I ask your name, sir? James West.
Oh, that's perfect.
You do believe in dynamic numerology, don't you? Um, I'm afraid I don't even know what it is.
Oh, well, you see, your name has nine letters, which is odd, and my name has 17 letters.
Oh, it's Priscilla Goodbody, which is odd- Oh, I- I mean the letters.
Well, now you see, if you divide your name into my name, you get one.
Carry the eight, which is even, from which you subtract the month of the year, which is five, and that leaves you three, which is a terribly lucky number, don't you see? To think all these years I didn't know this.
The $20 bill- Do you remember who gave it to you? Huh? Oh, yes, of course I do.
We don't get many $20 bills.
It was Mr.
Bronzini.
Do you know where I can find him? Well, I think he stays at the Clark House, where all the traveling men stop.
He's a salesman? I guess so.
About two or three times a month Mrs.
Moore has me send him special orders when he's out of town.
Aside from the fact that Mrs.
Moore has five letters in her name, who is she? She's manager and owner.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You know, you've changed my whole life through dynamic numerology.
Thank you very much.
Goodbye.
Mr.
Bronzini? The case.
The case.
There's a fire in there! Get some water.
Gentlemen, as director of this mint, I think I can speak with authority when I say that this country is faced with a catastrophic situation.
Catastrophic! Mr.
Farnsworth, my chief assistant.
Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon, working out of secret service.
How do you do? Mr.
Farnsworth.
Gentlemen.
Read those figures, Bert.
The range and scope of the Rembrandt file.
Oh, I might mention, gentlemen, that the "Rembrandt" file is the code name we've assigned the counterfeit product.
Ah.
Go ahead, Bert.
"Cheyenne, only $5 bills passed.
"Sioux Falls only tens, Tucson only twenties, and in Houston only fifties.
" Now, since three weeks ago when the operation started, there's never been a week when more than $100 worth of product has been passed in a given city.
What do you make of that, gentlemen? Hm? Hm? Sounds like a lot of out-of-town dress rehearsals.
Exactly.
Exactly.
You've got a hunch that opening night could turn out to be quite a bit moneymaker.
Gentlemen, I know I shouldn't get so emotional about this, but my job is to oversee the production of a unique product, which we turn out with such finesse, artistry, attention to detail, that no competing product has ever even come close to matching.
Until Rembrandt, that is.
This stuff is giving you that much of a run for your money, huh? At any other time, I'd appreciate that, Mr.
Gordon.
Not now.
You see, this country has never been put to the task of seeing whether it can survive the infiltration of millions and millions of dollars on its economy.
Millions of dollars that even an expert would have trouble spotting as counterfeit.
You know, it would help us if we could borrow some of those for a while.
Take them all.
Well, thank you, Mr.
Lennox.
Tell me, with regard to the brilliant competition you've got in this matter, do you have any idea who the guiding genius might be? Abby.
Ah.
You forgot to take your pill again.
Mary, may I present Mr.
West, Mr.
Gordon.
My wife Mary.
Hello, gentlemen.
How do you do? Hello, Bert.
How nice to see you again.
I can always tell when my husband forgets to take his pill- he starts pounding the tables, even at home.
Oh, dear, I'm interrupting one of your high-level discussions.
No, not really, dear.
Mr.
West and Mr.
Gordon were just leaving.
That's quite right, Mrs.
Lennox.
Are there any last comments you'd like to make on the case, sir? I'm afraid that's the crop, gentlemen.
Good day.
Good day.
Good day to you, sir.
Artie, why don't we go to the horse's mouth for the information we need? You know, that's exactly what I was gonna suggest.
Beautiful- a symphony of inspired intaglio.
The engraving, the printing, the registering.
All worthy of Rembrandt himself.
I didn't know that Rembrandt went in for forgery, doc.
The one I'm talking about did.
The towering genius of counterfeits.
He taught me everything I know about this craft.
Harry Holmes.
And, uh, this is a genuine Harry Holmes? Well, it couldn't be anything else.
Notice the unique delicacy of line, the subtle coloring of the ink, the masterful imprinting of the watermark.
One last question, doc.
Where would Harry Holmes be operating now? Ah, where, indeed.
Eight years ago, I had the mournful job as serving as pallbearer when we laid his poor, tormented soul to rest.
Dead, huh? You wouldn't be kidding us, would you, doc? Why, Mr.
Gordon, would I kid the two gentlemen who sent me up? You know, Artie, Dr.
Keyno's never lied to us before.
I know.
All the same, I'm checking Washington on Harry Holmes' funeral.
Yeah.
Artie, you don't, uh- You don't suppose that the old man took those engravings with him, do you? Wouldn't that be an interesting thought? You better have a long chat with Washington because if someone got ahold of those plates, someone that knew how to use them Mm-hm.
Artie, I'm starved.
What do you say we have lunch? That's a great idea.
There's an aged sirloin and a marvelous bottle of Chateau Rothschild in there.
No, why don't we go out for lunch today? I know a place that serves memorable food.
Your treat? Yeah, my treat.
Listen, next time you invite me to lunch, remind me to eat first, will you? Artie, you're a snob.
You've got to think that a hot dog is a- A portable steak.
It's all in your mind.
Yeah, well, this one's in the pit of my stomach.
To stay.
Artie, we know that Bronzini was a part of this circus.
Yeah, but we don't know that Flame-o, his murderer, was- Uh, excuse me.
Could you tell us where we could find Colonel Housley, please? Red trailer over there.
Oh, thank you.
Just let me catch you bums fighting once more, and I'll bounce you both so fast your ears will flap.
Now get outta here! Since we open in two weeks, publicity for Salt Lake City should start no later than- March outta here.
I ain't auditioning any acts today.
I think you need a wire walker.
I got one.
You had one.
He's dead.
That's all I can tell you about Bronzini.
As I said, he was a loner, kept pretty much to himself.
Did he get much mail when he was on the road? No, only packages as I recall.
Hey, de did give you a present once.
Wasn't it something to wear? A petticoat.
Oh, but don't get the wrong idea.
He used to hand them out to all the girls.
Oh, fast man with the dainty things, huh? I'll say.
I bet he gave one to every girl in the circus.
Well, maybe with the exception of Lola.
Why not Lola? someone paging me? Strange, isn't it? That circus played Sioux Falls, Cheyenne, Tucson and Houston.
The play dates in each case coincide exactly with the appearance of counterfeit money in those towns.
And in each of those towns, we know that Bronzini gets a package from Moore's Emporium.
Right.
Now, that accounts for the little presents that he gave to all the girls, but brings up another very big question.
I mean, if all he was doing is giving them little gifts, why have it shipped all the way from Denver? I mean, why not pick up his presents on the road? Suppose there was something more than ladies lingerie in those packages.
You mean like counterfeit money.
Yeah.
Neatly wrapped in ladies lingerie.
That'd make a very nice tie-up between Bronzini and Moore's emporium, all right.
You think that's where the bogus money's being printed? I think that's worth looking into.
You've been there already, haven't you? I think it's my turn now.
I'll go back to the circus, see if Bronzini left anything behind.
Fine.
Oh, uh, Jim.
Mm-hm? What was the name of that woman that took care of you at the emporium? You know, the one with all those numbers? Oh, yeah, it's Priscilla Goodbody.
But don't bother, Artie.
I've already got you beat by two letters.
Not this gentleman, you don't.
When did Colonel Housley hire you? He didn't.
He didn't? You'll be killed.
Here, use this.
Just crack the whip in front of his face, but don't hit him.
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.
Thank you, um Erika.
Erika.
I ought to have you arrested.
You had no business being in here in the first place.
And if it was up to me, I'd have Colonel Housley throw you in jail.
Wait a minute, you are hurt.
I'll go get something for that.
Here you are, Mrs.
Folsom.
Oh, and here's your change.
Oh, dear, it isn't as easy as it used to be.
Thank you, and do come again.
Yes, sir? Oh, hello.
How nice to see you again.
I- Oh, no.
There was another very attractive young lady that took care of me the last time I was here.
I think you must be referring to Miss Goodbody, who only waits on customers during the day.
Ah.
I'm Mrs.
Moore.
Perhaps I can help you.
Well, what a charming prospect.
Well, as a matter of fact, I'm so fortunate that you're open this evening.
I was looking for something in petticoats.
For my wife, of course.
Oh.
Oh, well, in that event, may I suggest, um- Oh, uh, this full-fashioned batiste, you see, with the white eyelet here, the ruffles? Oh, my, isn't that marvelous? Oh, she'll adore that.
And now, what is she, 12, 14? Mrs.
Moore, my wife is a fully mature woman.
Oh, I was referring to her size, not her age.
Oh, of course.
Her size.
Oh, how foolish of me.
There I was- Well, now, let's see.
I would say that she's about, uh- Oh, roughly about, uh Uh Mrs.
Moore, if I may be permitted, purely in the interest of accuracy.
Oh, yes.
Oh, I would say that your waist is exactly the same size as my Charlotte's.
Well, really, in that event, your wife is a perfect 42.
Yes.
Fine.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my.
Oh, dear.
Ah.
There you are.
Oh, thank you.
Oh.
Now, this won't take a moment, Mr.
Uh, uh Gentry.
Oh.
Emerson P.
Gentry, after the poet.
Oh, here we are.
Your change, Mr.
Gentry.
Um, that's perfectly all right.
Why don't you just, uh, keep the change? Are you feeling all right now? Was I lucky it was only a scratch.
Of all the unbelievable things to do, Wandering into a lion's den.
I didn't wander into a lion's den any more than Daniel did his.
I had help.
But why? Who could have done a thing like that? Maybe the same circus types that murdered Bronzini.
I didn't know that.
You're a policeman? Yeah, sort of.
How well did you know Bronzini? I despised him.
He had a waxed moustache, and eyes like a pair of shiny new marbles, and a lifelong love affair with himself.
Well, there was at least one woman that didn't despise him.
Can you recall ever seeing him more than once with the same woman? Now that you mention it, yes.
Well, can you describe her? Funny now that I think about it, she was always sitting in the shadows.
Or her back was always turned.
Almost as if she didn't want to be seen? Mm-hm.
But I remember she had a habit of playing with her earring as she talked with Bronzini.
Playing with her earring? You know, like so.
Sort of a nervous habit.
Anything else? No, no.
Thank you.
Come to think of it, you saved my life.
Forget it.
Well, nevertheless, it's always good manners to say thank you.
Don't mention it.
Let's try it once more, Mr.
Gentry- or whatever your name really is.
Where did you get this $20 bill? My dear Mrs.
Moore, I have already told you I got it in Wichita from a tobacconist named Thwing, I believe, Lionel J.
Thwing.
Tsk, tsk.
That's not the right answer, I'm afraid.
Well, how could you possibly know? Because this is funny money, Mr.
Gentry.
I know because we make it in our own funny factory, you see? And I also know that none of the bills have been passed east of Denver.
So that makes you a liar, doesn't it? All right, boys, he's all yours.
No, hold it.
No, y-y-you're right.
I, uh- I-I-I didn't get it in Wichita.
I, uh- I got it right here in Denver.
Where? Well, there's this character I know named Bronzini.
I spotted it in his hotel room.
He had a bundle of 'em.
Go on.
Well, I- I just liberated a few of the twenties while he wasn't looking.
That's the truth.
Honest.
You know, I'm inclined to believe you.
Mr.
Gentry, do you have any idea what the rest of those bills were doing in Mr.
Bronzini's room to begin with? Well, uh I mean, just a shot in the dark- I'd say he was one of your passers, right? Quite so.
Only, Bronzini was greedy.
He kept a few of those bills.
And if that wasn't enough, why, he forgot which bill was which and he spent one of the twenties in my shop.
And a silly salesgirl took it to the bank with the rest of the day's receipts.
Now, that was definitely a mistake.
Uh a fatal mistake? Well, naturally, we had to discipline him.
Mr.
Gentry, now, where are the rest of those twenties you liberated from Mr.
Bronzini? Oh, I-I-I got 'em right here in my bag.
I'll get 'em for you.
I got 'em right here- Aah! Mr.
Gentry, don't ever try to teach your grandmother how to suck eggs.
I'll get them out of the bag for you.
Put it on the counter, boys.
I was only trying to help.
Kill him! Kill him! Well, at least we're certain of two things.
Moore's Emporium was a clearing-house for that counterfeit ring, and Bronzini was their passer.
He just got a little greedy, that's all.
How long before you got back with the police, Artie? No more than ten minutes.
In that time someone had cut them loose and they'd all skipped.
I went over that place from attic to basement.
There's no sign at all of any printing equipment.
And here we are with a key for Bronzini from some lady unknown.
To open a door equally unknown.
I tell you, I can guarantee you one thing- This doesn't open any of the doors at the emporium.
Well, I couldn't find anything that it fit at the circus.
You know, we're doing fine.
So far we've done nothing but wind up in dead ends.
Yeah, but, Artie, look at the bright side.
We've got someone terribly worried, because someone tried to kill me at the circus.
Yeah, that's a comfort.
Chances are they'll try to do it again too.
I just wish I knew how long it'll be before they do.
At least we know they're on their way to Denver, So it won't be too much longer.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Look, is there any chance that the circus might be where that printing press is? No.
No, there's no place to hide it and besides, there are too many people around there for comfort.
I think, Artie, that that printing press has got to be someplace near that dress shop.
Yeah, we know it's somewhere in the city, but where exactly? Hello, Arabella.
How was the trip, dear girl? Huh? Hawked any hawks on the way, did you? Huh? There you are.
Take your rest, dear girl.
This should be it.
"Dr.
Anstruther, Baltimore physician, present when Harry Holmes died.
Death certificate authentic.
" No doubt about it, Harry Holmes is dead.
"Holmes' daughter was with him in the last hours.
"The daughter faded out of sight afterward, but is now believed to be living somewhere out West.
" Artie, I'd like to know more about that daughter.
Yeah, so would I.
Why don't I wire for a rundown on her? You know, Artie, the paper the counterfeiters are using is so much like the real thing, for all practical purposes, it is the real thing.
I wonder where they- Hey, that's wild.
But there's a zany kind of logic about that that appeals to me.
Why not? If you were in the bogus money business, where else could you get an unlimited supply of the right kind of paper? The mint involved in this counterfeit plot? Gentlemen, that accusation borders on criminal libel.
No one's making any accusation.
We just want to know if it's possible if anyone could be stealing quantities of paper and ink.
I'm afraid not.
Farnsworth keeps scrupulous records of every foot of paper and drop of ink used.
Fine.
May we talk with him, please? I'm sorry, gentlemen.
He's in the other wing where the money is printed and stored.
That is a high-security area.
Too high for the United States Secret Service? Gentlemen, I'd be delighted to take you to him.
I didn't see very many guards back there.
There's little to guard in that part of the building.
I see.
This is the entrance to the security area.
Gentlemen.
Mr.
Farnsworth, good to see you again.
I understand that you keep the records on the paper and ink used here.
Is that right? Quite right.
Is there any other check on the records? Oh, yes.
Mr.
Lennox checks them.
What about leftovers, Mr.
Lennox? I mean, ends of sheets that haven't been printed on.
They're burned in this building in a special incinerator under the supervision of Mr.
Farnsworth.
Anything else? Nor for the moment, no.
Thank you.
Thank you, Bert.
Mr.
Lennox, I'd like to thank you very much for your cooperation.
Not at all.
And where's Mr.
Gordon? He went on ahead.
Well, add this to whatever neat little record you and Mr.
Gordon are assembling: I bitterly resent the imputations you've made about my department.
Good day.
Good day.
Slate! What in the devil are you doing in my office? I said what in the devil are you doing in my office? Oh, no, no.
It's not my office at all.
It belongs to one of the government big shots.
You can always tell when you're in the office of one of the big government muckamucks because- Neat as a pin, you know- Because they don't- They don't do enough work to mess it up.
You know? I've never seen you in here before.
How's that? I said I have not seen you in my office before! Well, that's because I've never been in here before.
I just started working tonight.
A fella named, uh, Barnsworth- Was it Tarnsworthy? Farnsworth? I think it was Tarnsworthy.
Farnsworth? Yeah, that's the name.
Told me to report here for night cleaning duty.
Well, I have a lot of work to do, so take your stuff and clean up elsewhere.
You said it.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but that's all I can do here.
I've got to go clean up elsewhere.
Hey.
Guard? Guard! Yes, sir, Mr.
Lennox.
Why was that door left open? I don't know, sir.
I don't like it.
Search this room.
Search it.
If you find anyone, shoot him.
there's nothing here.
We better lock up.
I know it's not polite to count, but that's about $20 you've burned, hmm? I've burned 30.
If they were real, I'd feel just awful about it.
Now then.
Take a look at that, Jim.
Now, the ash on the left was taken from the incinerator at the mint.
The one on the right is one of the counterfeit bills.
They're the same.
Right.
The question is who is snitching government property? It's an interesting question, Artie.
The answer will probably even be more interesting.
Artie, you cover the back door.
Look at this.
Tell me what you think.
It's beautiful.
I'd hate to have to tell which one is real and which one isn't.
Ho, ho ho.
That'd be a chore, all right.
Oh, but it would never come to that.
Wouldn't it? Why not? Why, Mary wouldn't allow it, of course.
"It's all right for you to play at your engravings, Harry," says she, "but it must be only playing from now on.
" You're Harry Holmes and your daughter Mary- Is the devoted wife of the director of the Denver mint, of course.
Ah.
Leave the gun on the table, Mr.
West.
Clever of you to have drawn us to earth, Mr.
West.
Unfortunately, that will be the death of you.
You've done some clever things too, Mrs.
Lennox.
Like getting the eminent Dr.
Anstruther to sign your father's death certificate.
Actually, that was quite simple.
I borrowed a dying old man, a tramp I found, and since the doctor didn't know father, it worked like a charm.
He's become simple with age, but his incredible hands are as sure as ever.
I'm sure you've found that very convenient too.
Enough of this, Mary.
Let's wrap up Mr.
West.
Not down here.
Something like that would upset father.
Very impressive, very neat, shipshape.
What does your husband think about all this? Abner suffers from a constitutional ailment: he's a ridiculous fool.
And naturally one withholds things from a fool.
Naturally.
The less he knows, the better.
Up those stairs, Mr.
West, the sight of your blood might upset some of these men.
Nice going, Artie.
Thought you were gonna look for the back door.
I found it.
It's kind of interesting.
Have a look for yourself.
Stay right where you are, gentlemen.
Convenient.
Your townhouse adjoining your workshop.
Now, what's all this about? I think you'd better sit down before I tell you, Mr.
Lennox.
Ha! Mrs.
Moore and the whole gang from the emporium were apprehended in Tucson.
They're being brought back for trial.
Now let's drink to a happy ending.
I'll drink to pleasant beginnings.
I didn't know Mr.
Bronzini real well, but it's still hard to believe he was part of that gang.
He seemed so nice.
Which only goes to prove you can't tell by looking.
Erika for instance.
Would you believe she's a lion tamer? Well, you should, for one.
Besides, it's not that difficult.
You did quite well.
Well, that was just beginner's luck.
Well, I think that with a few private instructions, you could be quite a good lion tamer yourself.
You know, I always wanted to be a lion tamer.
Will you be going back to Washington now that you've solved the case? Oh, no, we're going to be around for at least a week, Until the trial.
Well, now, isn't that nice? I'm sure it'll be most pleasant.
And to start it off, Why don't we have a big evening on the town, all of us? Artie.
Yeah? Unless you want to be in Denver for more than a week, I wouldn't spend that money.
Huh? That's Harry Holmes' money.
Well how about some scrambled eggs and champagne right here? I'd love that.
That's marvelous.
Good.