Two and a Half Men s03e09 Episode Script

- Jake? - Yeah? - Are you praying? - It's okay.
I'm not in school.
No, no, it's fine.
What are you praying for? I have a math test on Monday.
Oh, so you're praying for a good grade? No, that never works.
I'm praying for the teacher to get sick.
Have you considered just studying for the test? How would that help? Okay, listen to me.
Even if we were to assume a God who would be willing - to give your teacher a cold - Anthrax.
- All right, that's it.
No more praying.
- What are you, the Supreme Court? How do you know about the Supreme Court? This guy on TV, Reverend Don.
He talks to God.
He said you should pray to strike down your teacher? No, activist judges.
But I figured why can't it work on Ms.
Stanley? You know what else, If I send Reverend Don money God will make me rich.
And did you send him money? Wouldn't you? No.
God doesn't make people rich.
And even if he did, it wouldn't make you happy.
Well, I disagree.
Jake.
Reward without effort is meaningless.
Money alone will not give you fulfillment.
What about Uncle Charlie? He seems fulfilled and he doesn't do anything.
Hey, hey, let me tell you about your Uncle Charlie.
He puts on a happy face, but on the inside he is a sad, lonely man.
You see? I'm about to do a load of laundry.
Last chance to change your underwear.
I'm good.
Hold off on the washing machine.
I think Charlie and his friend are still in the shower.
I'll check.
You were right.
I wouldn't wait for me to get that.
- Hello.
- Hello.
We haven't met.
I'm Norma Seabury from next door.
Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.
I'm Alan Harper.
Harper? Are you related to that dreadful Charlie? My mother says I am, but frankly, I have my doubts I'm related to her.
Well, Alan, there's a little red sports car blocking my driveway.
I assume it belongs to one of your brother's whores.
- One of his what? - Whores.
Ever since he moved in here, it's been one endless parade of whores.
Oh, whores.
Well, in all fairness most of them don't have the math skills to be whores.
Be that as it may, I'm late for my hair appointment and I want that car moved immediately.
Absolutely.
I am so sorry.
Let me track down the whore in question and ask her to move it.
Thank you.
- God bless you.
- He'd better, I sent in 5 bucks.
Charlie, we have a situation.
Okay, that looks pretty clean.
Now do me.
This is so unfair.
Excuse me.
Not now, Alan.
I'm making bubbles.
I don't care what her name is.
Her car is blocking our neighbor's driveway.
Oh, sorry, I'll move it.
You can't go now, you're busy.
Oh, yeah.
I'm busy.
All right, just tell me where the keys are and I'll move it.
Oh, gosh, no.
I don't let strange men touch my car.
Oh, good, at least you have respect for your car.
Alan, do we need to have another boundaries talk? No, I'm leaving.
Look what's dirty again.
Okay, I have located the owner of the sports car.
Is she going to pull it out? Not for a while.
Well, how am I supposed to get to my hair appointment? Well, gee, I'd say that you really don't need one.
I mean, I think your hair looks lovely as it is.
Well, aren't you sweet? Are you homosexual? No, just sweet.
You don't have to miss your appointment.
I'll drive you.
- You would do that for me? - It'd be my pleasure.
Sure you're not homosexual? Positive.
You would have made a good one.
- Going home already? - No, I'm going to the opera.
They can't end it until I sing.
There's no call for sarcasm.
No.
- What's up? - What is that old witch doing here? Old witch? She's She's a charming woman.
Of course she's charming.
They all are.
That's how they lure you into their houses made of gingerbread.
What exactly is the deal between you? - Why do you hate her? - Why don't ask her why she hates me.
She told me you're a horrible neighbor who doesn't care about anyone.
There you go.
How can I like somebody who talks about me like that? Hello, Mr.
Harper.
Hey, Norma.
Eat any little kids lately? I could ask you the same thing.
Oh, and by the way will she be moving her car out of my driveway any time soon? Maybe people wouldn't park in your driveway if you didn't put your trash in my guest parking spot.
You don't have a guest parking spot.
There's no such thing as a guest parking spot.
It's called a curb and it belongs to the city of Malibu.
Hey, if I can pass out on it, I figure it's mine.
Well, by that logic, I I guess you own my doghouse too.
That only happened once and Bruno was fine with it.
Alan thank you so much for a wonderful day.
I'm looking forward to next Saturday.
Oh, me too.
And as for you, Mr.
Harper Bruno never had fleas before that night.
You passed out in her doghouse? Hey, I've passed out in wheelbarrows, but this isn't about me.
- Oh, really? Who is it about? - You.
Why are you dating a woman who lost her virginity during World War ll? And knowing her, probably not to one of our guys.
First of all, we are not dating.
I'm escorting her to a charity event.
Second of all, her age is irrelevant.
The only thing that matters is what's inside.
The only thing inside her is dust and undigested mastodon meat.
She's isn't that old, Charlie.
Come on, I bet she was an eyewitness - to the birth of agriculture.
- Stop it.
Her high school graduation picture's probably on a cave wall in France.
Are you done? Her prom theme was "Fire".
Charlie, I can't figure out how to turn off the shower.
There's so many knobs.
That's okay.
Just dry off and I'll take care of it.
Thanks.
How does it feel dating a woman whose IQ is the same as her age? I could ask you the same thing.
Oh, here's something else we have in common.
Both our girls are pruney but mine's gonna plump back up in a little while.
Well, thank you for a lovely evening.
Oh, no, thank you for taking me.
I so loathe going to these things by myself.
And dancing.
I can't remember the last time I danced.
That was fun.
One more spin? Okay, sure.
Thank you for being so kind to a lonely old gal.
Stop saying that.
You are not old.
You're a vibrant fascinating woman.
- I had a great time with you tonight.
- Likewise.
And I want you to give some serious thought to my offer.
I will, I will.
Okay, so So good night.
Good night.
All right.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Who sent the flowers? I'll give you a hint.
- Wait until you see the card.
- You read the card? I couldn't.
It's in Aramaic.
Okay, I get it.
She's old.
It was delivered by a Roman centurion.
Oh, jeez, I've got a problem.
If you got her pregnant, we can get a full page in Ripley's.
Give it a rest, Charlie.
Come on, I've been working on these all morning.
Listen to this.
Her first car was a chariot.
She called her first husband "Hun" because he was one.
Her first Christmas was the first Christmas.
Likes to take long walks on the beach after crawling out of the ocean and growing legs.
Her birthstone is lava.
And finally, the big bang I don't have a joke for that yet, but I know there's something.
I'm leaving.
Oh, come on, I'm your brother.
You can talk to me.
Okay, I promise, no more jokes.
- Tell me what the problem is.
- Okay.
Well, you know she's rich, right? Richer than God who she's known since he was yay high.
You promised.
Sorry, yeah.
Yeah.
Well, last night Norma made me a business proposition.
I'll bet it involved No.
No.
No.
No telegraphs, no flying machines.
No Nina, no Pinta, no Santa Maria.
You don't have to bite my head off.
I was talking about what I do for a living and she said she wanted to invest in me.
Invest in you? How? She wants to buy a building and create the Alan Harper Healing Center.
Chiropractics, acupuncture, holistic pharmacy, aromatherapy Why don't you just call it the Alan Harper House of Crap? Norma chose the name.
I see.
And in exchange for all this, she expects you to: Well, nothing has been said explicitly, but yeah.
- And you're considering it? - No.
No, of course not.
- Not really.
- Not really? Well, the building would be in Beverly Hills and it would have my name on the top.
I'm thinking Helvetica.
Okay, I see your dilemma.
- We gotta think this through.
- Thanks, thanks.
I really need to.
You'd do her for free if she was young and beautiful, right? Well, sure, I I suppose.
And you'd stick your dingus in a beehive for, say, a hundred million, wouldn't you? A hundred million dollars? Probably.
But where are we going with this? We've established that you're a manwhore now we're just trying to zero in on your price.
Charlie, you're not helping at all.
Alan, did you really think I would? - Good to see you again, Ms.
Seabury.
- Thank you, Bobby.
- My pleasure.
- Thank you.
Good luck.
Go away, Bobby.
So, Alan have you given any more thought to my little business proposal? Well, actually, I have and Oh, wait, I forgot.
I brought you a little gifty.
Oh, no, Norma, plea You've been too kind already Oh, my God, a Rolex.
- A platinum Rolex.
- A platinum Rolex.
I have always wanted a platinum Rolex.
I almost bought one for myself, but silly me I got health insurance for family instead.
- Let me put it on you.
- Okay.
It's It's a lot heavier than my calculator Swatch.
I'm glad you like it.
Champagne for madame and her special friend.
Hey, Bobby, look.
Very nice, sir.
This is too much.
I can't accept this.
Oh, I think you can.
Yeah, I probably can.
A toast.
To the Alan Harper Healing Center.
- Okay.
- And to us.
To us as As business partners and friends, right? Wrong.
- Alan? - What? I proposed a toast.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry, it's just - this is all happening so fast.
- Y es.
Well, the heart wants what the heart wants.
The question is, Alan what do you want? Hurry up, sugar buns.
I'm not getting any younger.
Charlie.
Wake up.
What? What's wrong? I had sex with Norma.
- What? - I gave in.
I folded.
I let her have her way with me.
How was it? Actually it was great.
She knew stuff.
- Is that a Rolex? - Yeah.
Platinum.
Nice.
And you get a building in Beverly Hills.
Not bad for a night's work.
Well, actually, I I don't think I'm gonna be getting the building.
She reneged? She died.
You're kidding.
After we were done she looked at me mumbled a couple of words, closed her eyes and then: Dead.
That's it.
I knew there was a big bang joke.
I mean, I'm sorry.
I just can't believe it.
Me neither.
After all those years of making me miserable she's actually gone.
It's weird, I I feel a little sad.
Imagine how I feel.
Yeah, you killed her.
So, what did she mumble before she, you know Well, I'm not sure, but I think she said: "I want my watch back.
" Hey, I tried my best to keep up with her.
I've been up half the night with the police and the coroners.
You have no idea how judgmental those people are.
You can't worry about what anyone else thinks, Alan.
The thing you gotta remember and keep close to your heart is I get an extra parking space and you get to keep the watch.
Enjoy it, buddy.
But how can I enjoy it? The same way I enjoy that grand piano downstairs.
What does your piano have any Wait a minute.
Are Are you saying that? That you slept with Norma? Hey, I needed a piano.
So So if you slept with Norma, why did she hate you so much? Probably because I only needed one piano.
You're right, though.
She did know stuff.
Hey, can you put on channel 84? I wanna watch Reverend Don.
Well, I wanna watch football.
It's the Lord's day.
Yeah, but it's my TV.
- Who'd you bet on? - Packers minus one and a half.
If the Vikings don't score, I'm up a grand.
Okay.
What are you doing? Praying for the Vikings to score.
Don't do that.
Are you crazy? - Change the channel to Reverend Don.
- No.
Then you leave me no choice.
Okay, you wanna play that way? Fine.
It won't work.
God answers kids' prayers first.
- Who told you that? - Nobody.
It just makes sense.
That last drive put the Vikings in field goal range.
Oh, God, oh, God.
T oo little, too late.
Here comes the Vikings kicking unit out onto the field.
Pray for my side I'll give you a piece of my winnings.
- How much? - Five percent.
No deal.
Edinger has yet to miss from this distance.
- Okay, 10.
- Twenty.
- Twenty? - And there's the snap.
- Deal.
- The kick is up.
- It's good.
- Oh, no.
Don't blame me.
You' re a sinner.
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