Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s03e09 Episode Script

1 Titus, I've been thinking a lot about God lately.
Because of the beard and the shoulders? I get it.
It's just I want to apologize to Perry.
But first of all, I don't know what emojis say "I'm sorry I threw a trash can at you.
" Winky face, French flag, pumpkin.
Hmm.
But also, I don't know anything about real religion.
What does it even mean that he wants to be a normal reverend? You're asking the wrong Cumberbitch.
I haven't been to church since I was 12 years old.
Why? What did you do? Girl, why do you just assume that I Okay, fine.
I got kicked out 'cause Do, Lord, oh, do, Lord - Do remember me - Remember Do, Lord, oh, do, Lord Do remember me - Remember - Do, Lord, oh, do, Lord Do remember me, way Way beyond The blue Whatever.
I am keeping this robe Wow.
So your whole life, you've been like, "It's all about M-E.
" First of all, that'd be a great T-shirt for a medical examiner on her day off.
Second of all, I'm working on it.
Well, here's your chance to do a good deed.
Take me to church on Sunday.
I'll do you one better.
I'll take you to church tonight.
It's Good Friday.
Noice! What's Good Friday? It's the day Jesus got nailed to a cross to slowly suffocate.
And also, they stabbed him and made him drink vinegar and laughed at him.
How is that good? I think it was meant to be sarcastic.
Remember, his people were Jewish.
Oh.
Like Seinfeld.
Wonderful! Hey.
Is this too Egyptian for a Seder? Yes, I think my accessories are a little too major for you.
What do I have that screams "white lady"? I have a misprogrammed Teddy Ruxpin that does that.
I took this from the trash at Jacqueline's while I was throwing up raw turkey.
Everything happens for a reason.
Oh, it's too cold and shiny for me.
But speaking of Jacqueline, she's up to her skinny neck in bling.
I'll go down there tomorrow after my talk at the Whitney.
There is no Cindy Sherman.
White lady! White lady! Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Oh, happy day Oh, happy day Oh, happy day When Jesus washed When Jesus washed My sins away Oh, happy day I love all the music.
- If you want to call it that.
- Ooh.
- Is there a black name for it? - No.
I just mean this choir couldn't land on a key if it was a seaplane in South Florida.
- I don't get it.
- I don't care.
Wait, a lady reverend? Women really can be anything except president or late-night hosts.
And that is why we call it "Good Friday.
" For what greater love is there than this, that Jesus would lay down his life for all of us? Thank you, Jesus! Whoomp, there it is! And now, friends, we've come to the time where you are invited to share your testimony.
All may, none must.
Amen.
Hi.
I'm Kimmy.
- And you people - Huh? - Have really won me over.
- Aw! I love church! When we greeted our neighbors, I hugged three new people.
That's 42 people I've hugged in my life.
The music, the stories, the hats! I went to a store with my friend earlier.
It was just hats! So thank you for welcoming me on this Good Friday.
No.
Great Friday! Yes! Go, church! Who knew churches did all this good stuff? Feed the hungry, read to the blind, explain movies to the elderly.
Titus, they're having choir auditions tomorrow.
Good.
They need someone who can get through a chromatic modulation without making the accidentals sound like an accident.
That was very funny, by the way.
Yeah.
They need someone like you.
Isn't this exactly the kind of stuff you're trying to do? It's like Pastor Denise said.
There's no greater good than sacrificing yourself for other people.
Yes.
Lending my obscene talents to such a bah-sic choir would be just like what Jesus did.
Only better 'cause it's modern times and everything's so much harder now.
Pardon me.
Kimmy.
My name is Miss Clara LeBueff, and I run the Easter clothing drive.
Oh, I sure could use some strong arms tomorrow.
Will these pythons do, Miss Clara? - Miss Clara.
- All right, honey.
Here's you car phone back.
But don't let me catch you on the Facebooks again in church.
Hmm.
What a nice old Listen to me, Kimmy.
Ladies like that are trouble.
They collect gossip like Tituses collect expired deli meats, and when it all comes out, the result is just as toxic.
Oh! Must stay conscious.
Gah! Lillian! Eh, I took the freight elevator 'cause the doorman thought I was garbage.
To what do I owe the pleasure? Well, my boyfriend invited me to a Seder with his kids.
And what a handsome boyfriend he is.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
He's real.
And he's rich.
You know, he owns those Big Naturals supermarkets.
You're dating Arthur Goodman? He's single? No one on the message boards told me his wife died.
Yeah, well, you know, I was hoping you could do me a solid and let me borrow some earrings.
You know, gussy up the old head flaps.
Well, jewelry's a good start.
And we'll do some makeup, and we'll straighten that hair.
Who are you wearing? "Hart Island Burial Smock.
" - I haven't heard of them.
- Uh, hang on, toots.
I'm not looking for a whole to-do here.
Yes, you are.
Trust me.
I know this world.
Don't you want to impress Artie's children? You could be spending a lot of time with them in court after he dies.
Uh, all right.
But no fur.
Unless it's dead.
Mm, whoa Oh-oh His blood That's good, Titus, but I'd love to hear it a little bit more like His blood His blood Blood Blood I did it, Kimmy.
I humbled myself and joined the saddest gospel choir outside Madonna's tour bus, just like Jesus would have.
Titus, I'm proud of you.
Hey, if you have anything to donate to the clothing drive No, thank you.
I have performed my humanitarian act for today.
Me singing with that choir is like Michael Jordan playing basketball with a bunch of cartoon animals.
Like Space Jam! What? What are you talking about? And that choir director, Reuben, he may be easy on the eyes, but he's queasy on the ears.
If he's the lead, who else is in this choir? A bunch of late-'90s car alarms? Oh, I'm sorry, sugar.
You're on the phone.
Well, you can say your good-byes now.
The two of us need to talk.
Heavenly Father! Mm, Jeez.
What happens to all this when I take a shower? If I'm not mistaken, today is the 15th.
Shh, Lillian.
shopping! Jacqueline? I didn't know you had a sister.
Deirdre! I haven't seen you since since Reg was named Transportation Secretary.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Deirdre Robespierre.
I'm Head Mom at St.
Clotilde's.
Lillian Kaushtupper.
I'm just getting over a case of athlete's palm.
So will I see you tomorrow at the Benedict Arnold Club for the children's Easter egg hunt? I'll be there for pickup.
Buckley's father is dropping him off.
My ex-husband's job is crazy now with all the YUKO uprisings.
Oh, right, the divorce.
Next time, get a husband who's simply having an emotional affair with his sister.
They can't get married.
Oh! Till tomorrow, then.
I, for one, hope we both live to see it.
Okay.
- New to town? - Not as such.
- Just coming to church now? - This church.
- Where are your people from? - Didn't all life start in Africa? - Sweet tea or lemonade? - Sweet tea.
- Popeyes or Church's? - Please.
Waffle House.
- You got a girlfriend? - No one as good as my mama.
- Diabetes? - Not yet.
- What do you do for a living? - Renaissance man.
- How many fingers am I holding up? - Three, Miss Clara.
You have a blessed day, Titus.
You too, ma'am.
Clara is trying to destroy me.
No, she's not, Titus.
She overheard me bad-mouthing the choir.
How can I prove I'm a good person if she gets me kicked out of the congregation before I get the chance? Uh-huh.
And why would she do that? 'Cause she's a person, Kimmy, a play on "Jimmy.
" That's what persons do.
They gossip and put other people down so they can feel superior.
Not if they follow the Bible.
As Jesus said, "Won't you be my neighbor?" No.
They use this as an excuse to be as shady as they want to be.
So when they call someone out for skimping on the collection, they're not hypocrites because "Zipporah took a flint knife, cut off her son's foreskin, - and touched Moses' feet with it"? - What? The old ladies are better at finding the quotes.
Titus, that doesn't Because that 12-year-old boy who got kicked out of the choir was me! Yeah.
You said that.
That was the whole story.
And it was your fault for getting kicked out.
But what came after was all Bernice.
Back at Ray's Original Baptist Church in Chickasaw County, Mississippi, our Clara was named Bernice.
And when I committed the sin of pridefulness and vanity I am keeping this robe I flew right into her web.
Bernice had hated us Wilkersons ever since we got the pew closest to the air-conditioning.
So she used my sin to get us moved all the way to the back.
One of my aunts, Ernestine, melted, Kimmy.
Ugh.
Titus, don't ruin this for me.
These are good people.
After meeting me, they all said they'd pray for me.
And this afternoon, Miss Clara and I are helping clothe the poor.
Isn't that what Old Navy's for? Ain't no way Morgan Fairchild is shopping there.
You just watch, K-Stew.
That woman's a user, a gossip, and a snake in the grass.
I wish this neighborhood had enough grass to support snakes.
Maybe they'd eat the spiders that are eating all the birds.
All right! table manners.
That is a table.
Forget it, Blondie.
I am outta here.
Everything hurts in this monkey suit.
I hope so; those shoes are genuine white-faced capuchin.
Let me ask you a question.
Who is all this for? Is it to impress that Deirdre lady? 'Cause that woman is like Domino's pizza hot but terrible.
Exactly.
And I have to see her and all the others like her every day.
At school pickups, Easter egg hunts, and blimp christenings.
So excuse me if I care what I look like.
Well, I don't give a rip for outer beauty or inner beauty.
It's disgusting in there.
Blood, chewed-up food, the whole thing.
Oh.
Thanks, but no, thanks.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Guess some people don't know gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
I heard he had the Al Roker procedure, but it just fwoomped right back.
Oh.
Who are we to judge, right? Oh, I'm concerned for him.
The Bible says the heart is the wellspring of life.
And his idea of exercise is getting the mail.
Mostly catalogs.
He doesn't have any friends and can't afford anything in there.
I'm just worried.
You know, last night, after we sang the theme song to Sister Act, Pastor Denise talked about And I'm still getting used to her.
Thinks she can come down here from Boston and tell me my grandson can't use the Mimeo machine? He got a mixtape to get out there.
Call me old-fashioned if you want to, but I don't care for a female pastor.
Um, women can do anything.
A woman crashed her car into the mayor's house this morning.
Oh, honey, it is not my idea.
Saint Paul said women should be silent in church.
It's in the Book.
Oh Reuben! I want to tell you some things I found out about that new person.
I have an arrangement to finish.
Can this wait? I just think you need to know some things about your new high-ass tenor, Titus.
But okay, I'll find you after service tomorrow.
She is a snake in the grass! Which is better than somewhere else.
Like a toilet or your mouth.
But still! The boy has no father.
It's a sad story.
But spare the rod and spoil the child.
Oh, look at the time.
Honey, you be Ruth and shoulder my burden.
I'm gon' be like Naomi and go to bingo.
Glory to God! Oh.
- Elijah Rock - Rock - Shout, shout, shout - Shout, shout Elijah Rock comin' up, Lord Satan is a liar and a conjurer too If you don't mind high He'll come to you If I could I surely would Stand on the rock Where Moses stood, hey! Elijah Rock, shout, shout, shout Hey, Elijah Rock comin' up, Lord Elijah Rock, shout, shout, shout Whoo! Elijah Rock I'm comin' up Lord Titus, you were right about Miss Clara.
She is not a good person.
She acts all holier-than-thou, but she has the same number of holes as anyone else.
Well, I hate to say I told you so, because I prefer the less formal "toldja.
" Toldja! She used the Bible to manipulate me.
Just like Gosh dang it! I mean, is that what all religion is? Basically.
That and cut-up doughnuts.
Don't they know I can reassemble those doughnuts? Uh-huh.
Well, Clara's gonna talk to Reuben tomorrow.
About you.
Like how Jesus knew Judas would betray him in the morning.
Well, unlike Jesus, I'm not just gonna give up.
I'm a good person, Kimmy.
I can't let Clara ruin everything.
- We've gotta stop her! - But how? The only thing that stopped Bernice was the pressure and the sugar.
We've gotta tell on her before she tells on you.
I saw Clara steal a coat from the clothing drive.
Except no one's gonna believe us over her.
We need to catch her red-handed.
Then we can expose her to the whole church.
Shame.
Shame! But first, off to the hat store.
- Didn't we already - Girl, this is Easter.
Lillian! We need to talk.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
This again? I couldn't sleep last night.
I couldn't stop thinking about you meeting the Goodmans looking like a sack full of other sacks.
Listen, I'm not like you.
I don't care what people think.
You are like me.
You're exactly like me! Because I was you.
What are you talking about? Not long after I moved to New York, I was asked out by a hideous but very wealthy man who first mistook me for a prostitute.
Aww.
He invited me to the ballet, but I didn't realize that.
Because back home, Swan Lake was just a lake.
Look, honey.
- A rube! - Oh, she misunderstood.
I was humiliated.
And that young, impressionable girl in the fishing gear was me.
Yeah, I know.
That was the whole story.
I just don't want that to happen to you.
Especially if you care about Artie.
After that night, I never saw 15-year-old Eric Trump again.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll agree to put on one item of your clothing if you put on one of mine.
Come upstairs.
I'm just making an educated guess about you, but I'm allergic to cats.
Come downstairs.
No.
- Not the Doc Martens.
- I wish.
These are Doc Goodens.
Did you know he made a bunch of shoes once during a cocaine bender? - Mm.
- Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, my.
Whoa, comfy, huh? My mind is so clear! I finally get the title to the movie Face/Off! It works on two levels, Lillian.
Does that dress have no waist? Yeah! Loose dress Or is it drapes? Now that you're so comfy I'll admit it's a tarp Settle in, mama We're just getting start What white nonsense is this? What the hell are you wearing? You look like a black guy on Easter.
We're on our way to kick a little old lady out of church to prove I'm a good person.
But we almost forgot our bait.
To the clothing drive! The clothes just took me here, Lillian.
Titus Apollonia Andromedon.
How do you know my fake middle name? Oh, I know all about you.
Well, I also know things.
Like where you got that nice coat.
Oh, you shop at Cornway's? I like it how the rest of the mall is closed.
I almost lost it when that silly friend of yours put it in donations.
That's your coat? Listen, honey, I believe you know my nephew, Reuben? The choir director's your nephew? - Mm.
- I'm keeping the robe.
See, Titus, Reuben also doesn't have a girlfriend, if you follow my meaning.
He's a nerd? I just mean he keeps his private life private.
Saint Paul says, "Love does no harm to a neighbor.
" Hold up.
Miss Clara, are you trying to set me up with Reuben? I just thought the two of you could get together sometime and I don't know touch butts? That's why you were all over me like yellow on teeth.
Miss Clara, this is the greatest miracle to ever happen on Easter.
Well, I always say, if you give love to the world, you'll get twice the love back.
Yes! You will! Which is why I brought you this.
Oh, Titus! I couldn't possibly accept something so beautiful.
- I took it from a rich white lady.
- Okay, thank you very much.
Ooh! Oh, I gotta tell Kimmy her dumb plan is off.
Not in church, dear.
Oh, it is on! It is on, it is on No, she didn't, Lord, but now it's on Next on Bunny and Kitty Bunny, Kitty, get into my office.
White lady! I thought the tip was included! Wait.
What time is it? Well, my 18-hour bra busted out about four hours ago, so I wanna say 2:30.
It's after two? I'll be late to pick up Buckley.
He'll be fine.
You gave him a gun, right? My bags! I left them here by the door.
All my things are in there.
Where are my bags? Derr, I'm Kimmy! And I'm dumb enough to take Jacqueline's bags for no reason! And I'm your selfish gay friend.
Dy-no-mite! Now let's go do our lame plan no one cares about.
We suck! You're right, Lillian.
I bet that's exactly what happened.
Okay, I'll just call an Uber.
Oh, no.
My phone and my wallet are in my coat! Here, take my bus pass.
I have to go to the Benedict Arnold Club dressed like this? Oh, God.
It's Swan Lake all over again.
No, it's not.
Back then, you thought those people were better than you.
Now you know they suck just as much as you do.
You don't understand.
Hey, you're not that kid with the bucket of worms anymore.
You're a much older lady with a hammer.
And hammer beats worms every time, baby.
The Easter Krampus! Hide your shoes, children! Buckley! So many Buckleys.
Jacqueline? Why are you on the ground like a ground person? Everyone, don't look! Jacqueline's having a breakdown.
At least my son didn't poop his pants at the Met Ball.
Only because Kate Hudson and Blake Lively were wearing very similar dresses and it freaked him out.
You all have to understand what Jacqueline has been through this year.
The divorce.
Her boyfriend getting smooshed.
And now it seems the poor thing is Grey Gardens-ing.
Huh.
This time, I'm not crying.
And I'm not running away.
Hammer beats worms.
Obviously.
So what? I don't care what you think.
That's ridiculous.
I'm Deirdre Robespierre.
I'm the one who decided we were over cake pops.
I don't care what any of you people think.
Yes, I am divorced.
And my son is clinically a spazzoid.
Mom, she didn't say that! And there's more.
I'm from South Dakota.
I was born in a hospital that was technically part of a Sears.
When I first moved to New York, I dated a guy who had a pet bird named Jeter.
And until 2012, I thought "espresso" was pronounced "expreshto.
" And guess what.
I'm fine with that, because I'm not that kid anymore.
Fine.
Two can play at this game.
There was no robbery.
I shot myself.
You didn't beat me.
I don't care! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick up my son's anti-spazz suppositories.
Mom, why? Because we're above it all now.
Listen to Mommy.
Oh! This morning's reading is from Saint James.
"Humble yourself, and God will give you grace.
Brothers and sisters, do not slander or judge one another, for who are you to judge your neighbor?" Whoomp, here this is! Testimony! That usually comes later, Sister Kimmy, but as the Spirit moves you.
Damn millennials.
Testify Check it, wreck it.
Let's begin.
I thought I'd found a safe place here.
Safe like home base in Capture the Flag.
But guess what.
Real religion's a sham.
And not the kind that goes on pillows or the brand of ham that Titus buys.
Girl, read the text! That's right, Titus.
The text.
You use this as an excuse to act like phonies and crumb-bums.
'Cause people here sure talk a big game about being good and kind and touching kids' feet with foreskins, but you're all full of something.
It! Liars and deceivers and jerkatrons have made a nest here, like a family of ducks! No.
Not cute ducks.
Wolves! This whole place is a wolves' nest.
And if Jesus was here, he'd be all, "I should've stuck with carpentry!" - Amen! - Tell the truth! Preach it! So maybe there's no such thing as real religion because it's all just people, and people are bad.
Like Miss Clara, who stole that brooch from the clothing drive.
She didn't, baby girl.
Also, the coat is hers.
You're dumb.
I texted you all of this.
What? Dang it, she took my phone.
'Cause we're not here to ask Jeeves.
We're here to ask Jesus! We all make mistakes, Sister Kimmy.
Everybody in here is a born sinner.
I myself smoke the devil's weed.
But what's that that the old folks used to say? - When you know better - You do better! Lord, I too am weak.
I've been cheating on M'diet.
- M'diet's my wife's name.
- Help him, Lord! And I did steal a coat from the clothing drive.
Amen! I wasn't at a wedding last weekend.
I went to Haiti to have voodoo done on a bunch of youse.
Amen! I know.
I'm a gossip and a scold.
But I pray every day for the strength to do better.
Amen.
Amen.
I got to do better.
Amen! So I guess real religion is about knowing we're not perfect but trying to be better.
Together.
Fake religion locks you in a box if you spill the toilet pumpkin 'cause someone tied your hair to the crank.
Wrap it up, girl.
I'm double-parked.
We all are, praise Jesus.
Unbreakable He's alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable He's alive, damn it Jesus is strong as hell Feel the Spirit, Brother Titus.
Unbreakable He's alive, damn it It's a miracle - Unbreakable - He's alive, damn it Jesus is strong as hell It's a miracle Jesus is strong as hell - It's a miracle - Jesus is strong as hell - It's a miracle - Jesus is strong as hell - Yeah, yeah, yeah - Jesus is strong as hell Jesus is strong as hell Yeah! Corrections by btsix