Undateable (2014) s03e09 Episode Script
A Box of Puppies Walks Into a Bar
Oh, there's the happy new couple.
How are things in paradise? Question.
Have you ever noticed how Danny is a little bitch? This morning we were in a coffee shop.
The guy spilled coffee all over me.
He did not apologize.
Yeah, I might have said "only guys with small penises drink peppermint lattes" But still what do you think Tommy Tugnutts over here did? He did nothing except watch the recent Conan appearance on his phone.
It was hilarious, go check it out yourself.
Oh, what's this? You dropped something here.
Oh! It was a tiny detail you left out.
Oh, yeah, it's says the guy that you insulted was a giant that came down on a bean stalk because he wanted a miniature cup of human coffee.
Danny, you've got to protect your lady.
That's the first thing they teach you freshman year at man college.
Man college.
You know what? I was actually a professor there.
I don't remember seeing you.
You might have missed my class "Why chins are important" So this man college What do the dorm rooms look like? Ha ha, Jokey-pants.
But at least I know Shut up and look at me.
At least I know how to step up for my Candy Cane when someone pushes her.
Tell them about yesterday.
I was standing in line for ice cream, somebody cut in front of me.
.
- And next thing you know - And I was like "Hey! Hey!" You get your ugly ass to the back of the line.
Except the kid wasn't cutting, he was just joining his mom in line.
.
Babe, I'm sorry, is this my story or yours? I'm sorry, babe.
Go ahead and tell them what the mom did to you.
Well, she stuffed me in a trash can, but I made my point.
See, this is what I need.
- This is what I need - What? I need a guy who is going to stand up for me.
I mean, obviously not some idiot who gets jammed in a trash can by a soccer mom and says stupid things like jokey pants, but I need someone who's going to Stand up for me because I like to mouth off.
Yeah, that's not news, Anderson Cooper.
Ho, ho, ho.
Shelley, great sweater.
Is that Black Santa? I believe you mean Real Santa.
Anyway, I got you guys some presents.
- Oh, sweet.
You got us Christmas sweaters? - Mmm-hmm Oh, mine's Jewish.
Dope.
This will go nice with my circumcised penis.
Hey, look mine has a picture of me on it.
Danny, that's Jesus Christ the son of God.
You're a 34-year-old man with a roommate.
That's an honest mistake.
Everyone always says that we look alike whenever I get frisked at the airport.
I thought these would help us get into the holiday spirit.
I mean this bar isn't even decorated.
Well I'm closing the bar for a few days because we're all going out of town Yeah, I thought you were going with your mom's church group to Disney-world.
Oh he was going to go to Disney-world but he changed his mind because he discovered they charge $12 for churros.
If I get stoned I'm going to lose all my money.
Anyway, I thought before you left on Christmas Eve, maybe we could have a party upstairs in my room.
You know, it could be fun.
It would be nice to spend it all together - because you guys are kind of my family.
- Oh, Shelley, of course, we'll be there.
I will definitely be there.
I have a long history of doing anything handsome black men ask me to.
This is exciting! - We could go caroling.
- Oh yes! We could do that song we were working on.
Remember that sweet jam? - One, two, three - On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me Oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate being white now.
You know what? Besides, if anyone is going to be doing the singing, it's me.
Remember this gospel choir that you had here a week ago that sang Hallelujah? They said and look, this is their words not mine They said God said I was more talented than you.
God also made John Travolta's hairpiece so sometimes he gets things wrong.
But besides it will be a cold day in hell when someone thinks you're a better singer than me.
Well, then it's a good that we all have cool, nifty new sweaters because it's about to get chilly in here.
Choir! Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah _ So did you two actually make out last week? Oh! Whatever, it wasn't a big deal.
You know how emotional I am.
I even get choked up when you say when you say the name of that Adele song Hello.
Please don't Tell him Bursk, it wasn't a big deal.
Look, it was just one of those moments between good friends.
It's not going to go anywhere and it didn't mean anything.
And this definitely wasn't a prepared statement that I was asked to memorize.
Justin, I'm so pissed at you.
Anyone want to guess why I'm carrying a box full of puppies? The reason is unimportant.
But I'm going to lie down and you're going to pour those puppies on top of me.
Apparently those are Mo's children.
Huh, which, you know, I think would be impossible, because I always keep him on the leash unless I'm in the dog park.
Take it from a girl with a 4-year-old, you can get pregnant at the dog park.
That's really gross, the whole thing.
Anyway, I think back, nine weeks ago, what was happening? Oh, yeah, that's right, Justin was watching Mo for the weekend.
And now I have grand-puppies.
Hey, what's brown and sticky? This! I thought you were going to say the dog's poopy.
Yeah.
Mo is my family.
How would you like it if I took your mom out and I got her pregnant? You know, I would really love that actually because I'm really very lonely and I would love to have a sibling, okay? Still, I remember watching Mo.
I didn't leave him out of my sight.
Except for that one hour I let Danny watch him.
What? No, no, no.
All I did was exactly what you told me.
I fed him, let him out to do his business and now I realize do his business doesn't mean have sex.
I'm sorry.
Well, Vince, the baby mama of Mo, his owner said I'm financially responsible.
You don't have to give Vince anything, all right? Who's even saying that they know for sure that Mo is the real father.
That would be me.
Yeah man, I agree with Vince.
On to the next investigation.
Is the next investigation the "Curious Case of Danny's Missing Balls"? Whatever.
You got pregnant at a dog park.
Guys, I cannot believe it's Christmas Eve.
It still feels to me like it's exactly December 11th.
Vince said I need to pay $1,200 in puppy support.
How am I supposed to afford that? Oh, I have an idea.
How does Justin feel about sharing you? You're the scariest woman I've ever met.
Look, we have plans to help Candace.
Does it include terrifying children at the mall? Why are you wearing the costumes? Oh no, okay, the three of us are in costume, but Justin isn't.
This is the time of year that he returns to his natural form and flies north to make toys for kids.
No, I am not an elf! Elves aren't even real.
That's exactly what a real elf would tell us to throw us off.
Now you go make me an X-Box.
Now listen guys, this is what's going to happen okay? We're going to go to Vince's house as carolers.
We're going to start caroling alright? And we're going to sing Especially Justin and I are going to be the main singers.
Okay? Just admit you can't sing.
Oh really? Okay, fine then, but Brett can, and I'm amazing at lip syncing to watch this.
Fall on your knees and hear the angels voices oh night divine oh night When Christ was born So that's obviously going to work okay? When we're busy distracting Vince, Burski is going to sneak in okay? He's going to sneak in crafty.
He's going to grab one of the dogs and then he's going to test the dog's DNA and then what's going to happen is that we're going to find out if Mo's the real father.
It's the perfect plan, dude.
Yes! I think maybe I could have a good luck kiss.
I mean, you might as well.
Everyone kind of wants us to be a couple.
Everyone is even calling us "Lursky".
- What people? - My parents.
And I have no one.
Yay! Well, I'm going to go and get ready for my Christmas party.
Are you going to bring your son? Oh no, he spends Christmas Eve with his dad.
So, I spend Christmas Eve drinking and crying.
No way, me too! You know, guys, I feel like this silly plan could actually work if Vince and his gang like caroling.
- Like, like Vince's gang of friends? - Haha, no his prison gang.
He runs a halfway house for guys who just got out of jail.
Hahahahaha! What, I think it could work.
- [Screaming.]
- Justin: How do you wear these elf shoes? - Go, go! - No, Danny! What are you doing? Hey, you know what save yourselves.
Tell Charlotte I was brave! Hey, guys.
You want to see how we do things in the North Pole? Ha! Ha! Oh no! They're using my head as a battering ram! So yeah.
doesn't he look like an elf, though? - Justin, hey, do your elf voice.
- I'm not doing an elf voice.
- Do it! - Gosh, golly.
In the North Pole we're going to have cake later.
Turns out Vince and his gang are pretty cool.
Hahahahah! - Hey.
- Hahaha! Oh, my goodness.
I am so glad that you are defending your friends.
It kind of makes me want to start a street fight so you'll protect me.
I'm getting turned on just thinking about it.
She's so scary.
I know.
I love it.
Vince, did you bring the mama dog? Oh, my god.
She must have had a nice personality, eh mate? Turns out Mo likes Dem ugly bitches.
Okay, everybody stop goofing around.
Now, here in my hands, I've got a do it yourself dog paternity test.
This is something you should be proud of.
I think you should announce it like Maury Povitch.
Okay, what we have here is a classic tale of doggy trouble.
Now, Vince says that this beautiful dog here was knocked up by Mo and that these six puppies are Mo's.
But Candace believes that Mo would never, ever, ever be around a tramp like this.
- [Biker yells indistinctly.]
- I said it, I said it! I raised him right! That's enough.
That's enough.
Now, here are the results in the case of Mo and the bastard puppies.
Mo, Mo.
Mo.
You are not the father! You know what? Okay.
Guys, guys, guys Come on.
It's Christmas.
Vince, we will help you find a home We'll go to the local shelter and give these puppies a home.
That'd be really nice.
Thanks.
Hey, ride or die.
- Ride or die, brother.
- Aztecs forever, dude.
See you Rooster.
Big Tiny, Raw Dog, Benji, Cop-Killer, Mom Dropper, Dad Lever, Glenn.
All right, so we wrapped that up just in time to get the hell out of here.
I'm on the way to the airport, who wants a ride? Happy holidays, everyone.
You know, I love how things work out perfectly on Christmas.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me.
Hey, man.
So I just realized we all just forgot your Christmas party.
Oh, it's okay.
It's not like I'm spending Christmas Eve alone in a storage room above a dark bar.
Yeah, that's fair.
Look, everyone's already taken off but I've got a couple of hours to kill so can I at least buy you a beer? Yeah.
- Merry Christmas! - You all came! I don't have to damn you all to hell anymore.
We all changed our plans.
My Christmas wish came true.
I just want everyone to be happy.
That reminds me though, I want to hear everyone's Christmas wish.
My wish is that someone would stop pretending like that kiss didn't mean something when it so clearly did mean something.
Okay, so I wish that you would understand sometimes a woman needs time to process something.
Especially around the holiday where she's overwhelmed about her job, her mom, her dad, her rent, her workout schedule, Adele.
Brett, refill! So yeah, you know, maybe that something did mean something to somebody but that somebody doesn't know what that is yet.
All right.
Well, after that debacle, I definitely don't want to hear any more Christmas wishes.
And that's my Christmas wish, Huh? Ow, ow, all right.
Look, I know I always joke around, but if I'm going to be honest with you guys.
This has been the time of my life hanging out with you and, I love you.
Yep, I'm with Danny.
Sometimes it's really hard being so far away from home, but I never thought I would have a job where I get to hang out with my friends every day.
I hear you brother.
I mean summer, fall, winter, spring, I just hope we get to do this for a few more seasons.
But I will have to say 20 years from now when I'm fat, bald and divorced, I'm going to look back and realize it was the time of my life.
What about you, Shel? I'm glad you asked.
You know, it just seems like the world is in a dark place lately, you know? Everywhere you look, people are kind of scared.
So I think I have three Christmas wishes.
The first is just to hold on to hope, no matter what.
The second will be just more love in this world.
And the third would be for that Star Wars movie not to suck.
You guys are the best, I love you guys.
Come here.
Oh, my god, you guys are such bitches.
How are things in paradise? Question.
Have you ever noticed how Danny is a little bitch? This morning we were in a coffee shop.
The guy spilled coffee all over me.
He did not apologize.
Yeah, I might have said "only guys with small penises drink peppermint lattes" But still what do you think Tommy Tugnutts over here did? He did nothing except watch the recent Conan appearance on his phone.
It was hilarious, go check it out yourself.
Oh, what's this? You dropped something here.
Oh! It was a tiny detail you left out.
Oh, yeah, it's says the guy that you insulted was a giant that came down on a bean stalk because he wanted a miniature cup of human coffee.
Danny, you've got to protect your lady.
That's the first thing they teach you freshman year at man college.
Man college.
You know what? I was actually a professor there.
I don't remember seeing you.
You might have missed my class "Why chins are important" So this man college What do the dorm rooms look like? Ha ha, Jokey-pants.
But at least I know Shut up and look at me.
At least I know how to step up for my Candy Cane when someone pushes her.
Tell them about yesterday.
I was standing in line for ice cream, somebody cut in front of me.
.
- And next thing you know - And I was like "Hey! Hey!" You get your ugly ass to the back of the line.
Except the kid wasn't cutting, he was just joining his mom in line.
.
Babe, I'm sorry, is this my story or yours? I'm sorry, babe.
Go ahead and tell them what the mom did to you.
Well, she stuffed me in a trash can, but I made my point.
See, this is what I need.
- This is what I need - What? I need a guy who is going to stand up for me.
I mean, obviously not some idiot who gets jammed in a trash can by a soccer mom and says stupid things like jokey pants, but I need someone who's going to Stand up for me because I like to mouth off.
Yeah, that's not news, Anderson Cooper.
Ho, ho, ho.
Shelley, great sweater.
Is that Black Santa? I believe you mean Real Santa.
Anyway, I got you guys some presents.
- Oh, sweet.
You got us Christmas sweaters? - Mmm-hmm Oh, mine's Jewish.
Dope.
This will go nice with my circumcised penis.
Hey, look mine has a picture of me on it.
Danny, that's Jesus Christ the son of God.
You're a 34-year-old man with a roommate.
That's an honest mistake.
Everyone always says that we look alike whenever I get frisked at the airport.
I thought these would help us get into the holiday spirit.
I mean this bar isn't even decorated.
Well I'm closing the bar for a few days because we're all going out of town Yeah, I thought you were going with your mom's church group to Disney-world.
Oh he was going to go to Disney-world but he changed his mind because he discovered they charge $12 for churros.
If I get stoned I'm going to lose all my money.
Anyway, I thought before you left on Christmas Eve, maybe we could have a party upstairs in my room.
You know, it could be fun.
It would be nice to spend it all together - because you guys are kind of my family.
- Oh, Shelley, of course, we'll be there.
I will definitely be there.
I have a long history of doing anything handsome black men ask me to.
This is exciting! - We could go caroling.
- Oh yes! We could do that song we were working on.
Remember that sweet jam? - One, two, three - On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me Oh, oh, oh, oh, I hate being white now.
You know what? Besides, if anyone is going to be doing the singing, it's me.
Remember this gospel choir that you had here a week ago that sang Hallelujah? They said and look, this is their words not mine They said God said I was more talented than you.
God also made John Travolta's hairpiece so sometimes he gets things wrong.
But besides it will be a cold day in hell when someone thinks you're a better singer than me.
Well, then it's a good that we all have cool, nifty new sweaters because it's about to get chilly in here.
Choir! Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah _ So did you two actually make out last week? Oh! Whatever, it wasn't a big deal.
You know how emotional I am.
I even get choked up when you say when you say the name of that Adele song Hello.
Please don't Tell him Bursk, it wasn't a big deal.
Look, it was just one of those moments between good friends.
It's not going to go anywhere and it didn't mean anything.
And this definitely wasn't a prepared statement that I was asked to memorize.
Justin, I'm so pissed at you.
Anyone want to guess why I'm carrying a box full of puppies? The reason is unimportant.
But I'm going to lie down and you're going to pour those puppies on top of me.
Apparently those are Mo's children.
Huh, which, you know, I think would be impossible, because I always keep him on the leash unless I'm in the dog park.
Take it from a girl with a 4-year-old, you can get pregnant at the dog park.
That's really gross, the whole thing.
Anyway, I think back, nine weeks ago, what was happening? Oh, yeah, that's right, Justin was watching Mo for the weekend.
And now I have grand-puppies.
Hey, what's brown and sticky? This! I thought you were going to say the dog's poopy.
Yeah.
Mo is my family.
How would you like it if I took your mom out and I got her pregnant? You know, I would really love that actually because I'm really very lonely and I would love to have a sibling, okay? Still, I remember watching Mo.
I didn't leave him out of my sight.
Except for that one hour I let Danny watch him.
What? No, no, no.
All I did was exactly what you told me.
I fed him, let him out to do his business and now I realize do his business doesn't mean have sex.
I'm sorry.
Well, Vince, the baby mama of Mo, his owner said I'm financially responsible.
You don't have to give Vince anything, all right? Who's even saying that they know for sure that Mo is the real father.
That would be me.
Yeah man, I agree with Vince.
On to the next investigation.
Is the next investigation the "Curious Case of Danny's Missing Balls"? Whatever.
You got pregnant at a dog park.
Guys, I cannot believe it's Christmas Eve.
It still feels to me like it's exactly December 11th.
Vince said I need to pay $1,200 in puppy support.
How am I supposed to afford that? Oh, I have an idea.
How does Justin feel about sharing you? You're the scariest woman I've ever met.
Look, we have plans to help Candace.
Does it include terrifying children at the mall? Why are you wearing the costumes? Oh no, okay, the three of us are in costume, but Justin isn't.
This is the time of year that he returns to his natural form and flies north to make toys for kids.
No, I am not an elf! Elves aren't even real.
That's exactly what a real elf would tell us to throw us off.
Now you go make me an X-Box.
Now listen guys, this is what's going to happen okay? We're going to go to Vince's house as carolers.
We're going to start caroling alright? And we're going to sing Especially Justin and I are going to be the main singers.
Okay? Just admit you can't sing.
Oh really? Okay, fine then, but Brett can, and I'm amazing at lip syncing to watch this.
Fall on your knees and hear the angels voices oh night divine oh night When Christ was born So that's obviously going to work okay? When we're busy distracting Vince, Burski is going to sneak in okay? He's going to sneak in crafty.
He's going to grab one of the dogs and then he's going to test the dog's DNA and then what's going to happen is that we're going to find out if Mo's the real father.
It's the perfect plan, dude.
Yes! I think maybe I could have a good luck kiss.
I mean, you might as well.
Everyone kind of wants us to be a couple.
Everyone is even calling us "Lursky".
- What people? - My parents.
And I have no one.
Yay! Well, I'm going to go and get ready for my Christmas party.
Are you going to bring your son? Oh no, he spends Christmas Eve with his dad.
So, I spend Christmas Eve drinking and crying.
No way, me too! You know, guys, I feel like this silly plan could actually work if Vince and his gang like caroling.
- Like, like Vince's gang of friends? - Haha, no his prison gang.
He runs a halfway house for guys who just got out of jail.
Hahahahaha! What, I think it could work.
- [Screaming.]
- Justin: How do you wear these elf shoes? - Go, go! - No, Danny! What are you doing? Hey, you know what save yourselves.
Tell Charlotte I was brave! Hey, guys.
You want to see how we do things in the North Pole? Ha! Ha! Oh no! They're using my head as a battering ram! So yeah.
doesn't he look like an elf, though? - Justin, hey, do your elf voice.
- I'm not doing an elf voice.
- Do it! - Gosh, golly.
In the North Pole we're going to have cake later.
Turns out Vince and his gang are pretty cool.
Hahahahah! - Hey.
- Hahaha! Oh, my goodness.
I am so glad that you are defending your friends.
It kind of makes me want to start a street fight so you'll protect me.
I'm getting turned on just thinking about it.
She's so scary.
I know.
I love it.
Vince, did you bring the mama dog? Oh, my god.
She must have had a nice personality, eh mate? Turns out Mo likes Dem ugly bitches.
Okay, everybody stop goofing around.
Now, here in my hands, I've got a do it yourself dog paternity test.
This is something you should be proud of.
I think you should announce it like Maury Povitch.
Okay, what we have here is a classic tale of doggy trouble.
Now, Vince says that this beautiful dog here was knocked up by Mo and that these six puppies are Mo's.
But Candace believes that Mo would never, ever, ever be around a tramp like this.
- [Biker yells indistinctly.]
- I said it, I said it! I raised him right! That's enough.
That's enough.
Now, here are the results in the case of Mo and the bastard puppies.
Mo, Mo.
Mo.
You are not the father! You know what? Okay.
Guys, guys, guys Come on.
It's Christmas.
Vince, we will help you find a home We'll go to the local shelter and give these puppies a home.
That'd be really nice.
Thanks.
Hey, ride or die.
- Ride or die, brother.
- Aztecs forever, dude.
See you Rooster.
Big Tiny, Raw Dog, Benji, Cop-Killer, Mom Dropper, Dad Lever, Glenn.
All right, so we wrapped that up just in time to get the hell out of here.
I'm on the way to the airport, who wants a ride? Happy holidays, everyone.
You know, I love how things work out perfectly on Christmas.
Well, it looks like it's just you and me.
Hey, man.
So I just realized we all just forgot your Christmas party.
Oh, it's okay.
It's not like I'm spending Christmas Eve alone in a storage room above a dark bar.
Yeah, that's fair.
Look, everyone's already taken off but I've got a couple of hours to kill so can I at least buy you a beer? Yeah.
- Merry Christmas! - You all came! I don't have to damn you all to hell anymore.
We all changed our plans.
My Christmas wish came true.
I just want everyone to be happy.
That reminds me though, I want to hear everyone's Christmas wish.
My wish is that someone would stop pretending like that kiss didn't mean something when it so clearly did mean something.
Okay, so I wish that you would understand sometimes a woman needs time to process something.
Especially around the holiday where she's overwhelmed about her job, her mom, her dad, her rent, her workout schedule, Adele.
Brett, refill! So yeah, you know, maybe that something did mean something to somebody but that somebody doesn't know what that is yet.
All right.
Well, after that debacle, I definitely don't want to hear any more Christmas wishes.
And that's my Christmas wish, Huh? Ow, ow, all right.
Look, I know I always joke around, but if I'm going to be honest with you guys.
This has been the time of my life hanging out with you and, I love you.
Yep, I'm with Danny.
Sometimes it's really hard being so far away from home, but I never thought I would have a job where I get to hang out with my friends every day.
I hear you brother.
I mean summer, fall, winter, spring, I just hope we get to do this for a few more seasons.
But I will have to say 20 years from now when I'm fat, bald and divorced, I'm going to look back and realize it was the time of my life.
What about you, Shel? I'm glad you asked.
You know, it just seems like the world is in a dark place lately, you know? Everywhere you look, people are kind of scared.
So I think I have three Christmas wishes.
The first is just to hold on to hope, no matter what.
The second will be just more love in this world.
And the third would be for that Star Wars movie not to suck.
You guys are the best, I love you guys.
Come here.
Oh, my god, you guys are such bitches.