Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s03e09 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 9
1 GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, D WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" HEY, IT'S THAT GUY WHO SANG AT THE EMMY'S -- WAYNE BRADY.
OH, HEY, IT'S THAT BALD CANADIAN GUY -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
ISN'T THAT THE GUY WHO PLAYS DREW CAREY'S FRIEND ON "THE DREW CAREY SHOW"? RYAN STILES.
AND -- OH, MY GOD, IT'S ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE POINTS DON'T MATTER AT ALL, JUST LIKE "BLAIR WITCH 2.
" GET OUT, GET OUT.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME A SPECIAL GUEST -- ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, DREW.
IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.
ROBIN WILLIAMS IS HERE TONIGHT.
ROBIN WILLIAMS -- HOW ABOUT IT? ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET GOING.
WE'RE GOING TO START WITH A GAME CALLED "HOLLYWOOD DIRECTORS.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
RYAN, ROBIN, AND WAYNE ARE GOING TO BE ACTING OUT A FILM SCENE.
COLIN IS THE DIRECTOR.
HERE ARE YOUR NOTES.
COLIN IS THE DIRECTOR WHO KEEPS GIVING THE ACTORS DIFFERENT NOTES ON HOW TO IMPROVE THE SCENE.
THE SCENE YOU'RE ACTING OUT IS RYAN AND ROBIN ARE TWO ITALIAN CHEFS MAKING PIZZAS WHEN YOU NOTICE UNUSUALLY LARGE RODENTS IN THE KITCHEN.
WAYNE ENTERS LATER AS THE EXTERMINATOR THEY'VE CALLED TO THE SCENE, SO I THINK HE MUST HAVE CALLED THEM BEFORE.
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
[ SPEAKS ITALIAN .]
[ BOTH PRETENDING TO SHOUT IN ITALIAN .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS? HEY, HEY, IT'S BEHIND YOU.
WHAT? IT'S HUGE.
[ WAYNE MAKING CHIRPING NOISES .]
SOMEONE IS RIDING A SMALL BIKE.
YEAH, I TELL YOU IT'S YOUR DAMN BROTHER FROM THE CIRCUS AGAIN.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, HUH? I CAME TO GET RID OF THE BIG RATS.
HEY, THAT'S A BIG GUN, HUH? I DON'T SEE THAT SINCE LAST WEEK WHEN YOUR UNCLE CAME, YOU KNOW? CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! I'M REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME STAYING IN CHARACTER.
I KNOW YOU ARE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME! I'VE SEEN BETTER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ON THE "MATCH GAME.
" LET'S TRY TO CONCENTRATE AND WORK HARD! OH, FINE.
WORK HARD, WORK HARD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LAST NIGHT YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT.
SHH! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S VERY SPECIAL.
HE NEEDS WORK.
WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS DO IT LIKE HILLBILLIES.
DO IT LIKE HILLBILLIES.
DON'T ASK WHY! I ONCE WON A NUBBY.
ACTION! [ Southern accent .]
DAMN, I CUT MYSELF.
WELL, WE'LL USE IT AS A SAUCE.
[ Southern accent .]
HEY, YOU'RE PUTTING TOO MUCH ON THERE.
SAVE SOME OF THAT BLOOD.
IT AIN'T GONNA MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.
IT'S GONNA BE BAD WHEN YOU PUT VELVEETA ON.
YOU JUST GONNA COVER IT ALL.
AAH! DON'T START WITH ME.
[ BOTH SHOUTING .]
[ WAYNE MAKING PIG SQUEALING NOISES .]
UH-OH.
HEY, GET OUT OF HERE! HEY, GET HIM OUT OF HERE! COME ON! COME ON, BOY, GET UP! WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY, YOUR BROTHER IS HERE FROM FOUR-H.
I HEARD.
HEY, I CAME TO KILL THEM RATS.
HEY, GET TO IT, SMART BOY.
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
I'M HAVING A HARD TIME STAYING IN CHARACTER.
YOU WERE VERY GOOD, YOU WERE VERY GOOD.
A-DIFFICULT FOR ME.
HILLBILLY IS TOO CLOSE TO ITALIAN.
HILLBILLIES AND ITALIANS ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO -- WE NEED A LITTLE MOVEMENT.
ENERGY IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
WE NEED TO DO IT LIKE A RIVERDANCE.
I WANT TO SEE THAT SWEAT GLISTEN! GO! HEY! WHERE ARE THE RATS? WHERE ARE THE RATS? CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! YOU KNOW WHAT? AT THE END -- AT THE END, THAT SEEMED A LITTLE TOO "CHARLIE'S ANGELS.
" I WISH! ALL RIGHT, WHAT WE NEED IS SOMETHING -- CAN I TAKE A MOMENT? TAKE IT.
DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE WORKING WITH YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME? SHUT UP! WHAT I NEED IS YOU FILLED WITH LUST.
YOU REMEMBER.
GO! CAN I HELP YOU? WHY DON'T YOU WANDER OVER THERE AND GET SOME OF THAT SPECIAL PEPPERONI OF YOURS? WHY DON'T YOU STAY THERE AND LET SOMETHING RISE? OH.
I DON'T THINK I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO FLIP -- OH, IT'S FALLEN.
[ BUZZER .]
NOW I'M BACK.
BOY, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THIS A LONG TIME -- 1,000 POINTS FOR ROBIN.
THANK YOU, DREW.
I WANT TO THANK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR ME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "DUET.
" THIS IS FOR ROBIN AND WAYNE WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? JEREMY.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
YOU LOOK KIND OF TENSE.
COME ON DOWN HERE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.
GO AHEAD AND HAVE A SEAT.
HOW ARE YOU? THAT'S JEREMY.
HE'S AN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
I WANT YOU TO SING IT LIKE A GOSPEL SONG.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING A GOSPEL SONG TO JEREMY THE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
Wayne: NOW, BROTHERS AND SISTERS -- YEAH, SAY IT AGAIN.
I SAID, BROTHERS AND SISTERS OH, SWEET LORD.
EVERY NOW AND THEN WE ALL HAVE TO GET UP IN A GOOD PLANE.
MM-HMM.
WE ALL HAVE TO ASCEND.
UH-HUH.
AND, YOU KNOW, BROTHER, WE CANNOT DO IT ALONE BECAUSE GOD MAY BE THE COPILOT -- I SAID GOD MAY BE THE COPILOT BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO TELL YOU WHERE TO GO.
BROTHER ROBIN, AM I CORRECT? YOU HAVE THE FEELING AND THE SPIRIT AND THE CLEARANCE TO LAND! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY! HEY, HEY NOW LET ME TELL YOU MY SONG AND LET ME BEGIN I GOT A BOY NAMED JEREMY IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, HE'S PUSHING TIN OH, JEREMY HEY, YEAH I SAID JEREMY YOU BETTER WATCH OUT HE'S HUNG OVER FROM LAST NIGHT'S BASH OH, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER 'CAUSE TWO PLANES ARE GOING TO CRASH YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE UP FLYING IN THE AIR WHETHER YOU'RE LANDING IN L.
A.
OR O'HARE LOT OF FOLKS PASSING OVERHEAD COME ON NOW ALL DEPENDING ON YOU YOU SURE DON'T WANT TO END UP DEAD YOU HOPE TO GOD YOU'RE CLEAR TO RUN THROUGH JEREMY IS THE MAN WHO CAN REALLY MESS WITH YOU HEY COME ON GET UP NOW, BOY.
CAN YOU FEEL IT, JEREMY? GUIDE ME HOME.
GUIDE ME HOME.
COME ON.
OH, NO! OH! SECTOR ONE WE'VE LOST ONE.
WE'VE LOST ONE.
HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH All: HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH COME ON IN COME ON IN GET YOUR MEAL GET YOUR MEAL COMING ON IN PUT DOWN THE FLAP PUT DOWN THE WHEEL LANDING GEAR CHECK YOUR VECTOR CHECK MY VECTOR HIT THAT FLAP HIT THAT FLAP DOWN TO THE GROUND DOWN TO THE GROUND OH, YEAH I'M HOME! OH, JEREMY WE MADE IT HOME BECAUSE OF JER JER JEREMY YEAH WHOO! THANK YOU, JEREMY.
GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT, GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT.
Drew: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
WOW.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE VIEWERS WE HAVE OUT THERE TONIGHT? BOY, "FRIENDS" MUST BE A RERUN.
OH! SCARED THE HECK OUT OF ME.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS THERE.
I'M SORRY, MR.
PRESIDENT.
LET'S GO ON -- LET'S GO ON TO A GAME THAT WE DO ON THIS SHOW CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS.
" IN THIS GAME, COLIN, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOSTING A PARTY.
WAYNE, ROBIN, AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE YOUR GUESTS.
WE'VE GIVEN EACH OF THEM A STRANGE QUIRK OR IDENTITY.
I'LL BRING YOU IN ONE AT A TIME WITH THE DOORBELL.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, COLIN, START THE PARTY.
[ MAKES CLUCKING SOUND .]
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THIS SHOULD BE [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
HI.
[ Imitating Richard Simmons .]
HI, IT'S ME! HI.
HOW ARE YOU? I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT TO DO ALL THE SHOPPING.
[ Imitating Mr.
T .]
FOOL, SHUT UP.
I AIN'T GETTING ON NO PLANE.
[ Imitating Charo .]
COOCHIE, COOCHIE, COOCHIE! YOU SHUT UP AND GIVE ME BACK MY MASCARA! I'M GOING TO WEAR YOU LIKE A NECKLACE, FOOL.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, WHAT IS THIS? DID A GRAPE ATTACK YOU? I'M SORRY.
WHAT? OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU.
GRAPE ON TOP, ARMY SURPLUS ON THE BOTTOM.
STAND ASIDE.
OH, MY GOD.
A PUMPKIN HIT PRADA.
I PITY THE FOOL WHO TOUCHES ME.
OH, PLEASE, GET AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU.
OH, AT LEAST -- SAVING GRACE, SAVING GRACE.
5 YARDS.
MOVE AHEAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, BUT I LIKE HIM.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
ARE YOU EVERY '70's GUEST FROM MERV GRIFFIN? HI.
HEY, COL, THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
ANY TIME.
NO PROBLEM.
WILL I HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THIS PARTY? ASK AGAIN LATER.
OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
COME ON, ROOMIES.
AND GO.
AND TWO, AND -- UH! AND TWO! MY GOD, LOOK ATHAT.
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A WITCH THREW UP.
SHOULD I BE INSULTED? HEY! DEFINITELY YES.
WHY DO YOU THINK EVERYBODY'S BUM IS A MAGIC 8-BALL? [ BUZZER .]
WHY DO YOU THINK EVERYONE'S BUM IS A MAGIC 8-BALL? AND YOU'RE A VERY ANGRY PERSONAL FASHION ADVISOR NO, THAT THAT NEEDS DECAF.
WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM? THEY GIVE THEM A SPECIAL NAME.
YEAH, THEY DO, DON'T THEY? YOU KNOW, IF I WAS A BIGGER CELEBRITY, I'D HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU, BUT I HAVE NOBODY.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE YOU A TICKET FOR THAT SHIRT BECAUSE IT IS CRAZY.
IT LOOKS LIKE MORGAN DAVID SAID, "I GIVE UP.
" FASHION CONSULTANT! FASHION POLICE.
ANGRY FASHION CONSULTANT WHO'S INSULTING ME.
WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER.
SHUT UP, FOOL.
OH, STOP IT.
I PITY THE FOOL.
I AIN'T GETTING ON NO AIRPLANE.
YOU'RE EVERY CONTESTANT ON "THE GONG SHOW.
" MR.
T, CHARO ROOMMATES, ROOMMATES.
ROOMMATES -- YOU'RE ALL ROOMMATES.
[ BUZZER .]
HELP ME! HOW DID YOU GUESS? HOW DID YOU KNOW? 1,000 POINTS FOR COLIN.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT, MAN? LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED -- Robin: YES! LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT.
" THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU.
NOW BEFORE EVERY SHOW, WE ASK THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DIFFERENT SUGGESTIONS DOWN FOR STUFF.
WHAT'S THE DEAD RABBIT FOR? MY OLD CAREER.
SO WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN DIFFERENT SUGGESTIONS FOR THINGS THAT THEY LIKE TO SEE.
LET'S SEE HOW MANY THESE GUYS CAN THINK OF, STARTING WITH "UNLIKELY SUPERHEROES.
" IT'S ME, RUN-AWAY-FROM-DANGER MAN! [ BUZZER .]
DID SOMEONE CALL FOR CAPTAIN PORK? [ BUZZER .]
I'M PARANOID -- GOD! [ BUZZER .]
"WORLD'S WORST SUBJECT FOR AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE.
" DIARRHEA -- FLOWS LIKE A RIVER.
[ BUZZER .]
IMPOTENCE IS A HORRIFYING THING.
[ BUZZER .]
[ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT, "IF ENTERTAINERS WORKED FUNERALS.
" PLEASE GATHER AROUND THE BODY.
WHOOSH! HE'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.
THANK YOU! [ BUZZER .]
IS THIS THE LOVED ONE? ALL RIGHT, START THE TRUCK, JOHNNY.
WOW! LOOK AT HIM MOVE! ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? WITH JUST SIX VOLTS, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR RELATIVES DANCE AGAIN! [ BUZZER .]
[ BUZZER .]
A DOG.
[ BUZZER .]
WELL HARRY AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING BY.
WOULDN'T WE, HARRY? [ BUZZER .]
"FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD ROLES AS PLAYED BY CAROL CHANNING.
" I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
DID I FIRE SEVEN SHOTS OR SIX? WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IN ALL THIS CONFUSION, I'VE FORGOTTEN MYSELF.
SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY? WELL, DO YOU, PUNK? [ BUZZER .]
WELL, SURELY YOU MUST BE THE SON OF GOD.
[ BUZZER .]
I'M SPARTACUS.
[ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
"THINGS YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR WHEN YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO A SEASHELL.
" [ Imitating Carol Channing .]
I'M SPARTACUS.
[ BUZZER .]
PUT ME DOWN! [ BUZZER .]
WHO'S YOUR DADDY? [ BUZZER .]
THIS IS A GOOD ONE.
"BAD CHOICES TO MAKE WHEN YOUR GENIE GRANTS YOU THREE WISHES.
" UH, TWO COKES AND SOME CHIPS.
[ BUZZER .]
"INAPPROPRIATE ANECDOTES ON A CELEBRITY TALK SHOW.
" NO, AND SO, I LEFT THE BODY IN THE TRUNK, AND EVERYONE IS LIKE, "OOH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" [ BUZZER .]
SO THINGS ARE TOUGH, I'M A BIG HO, AND [ BUZZER .]
SO I SAID, "GET OFF ME, GRANDMA.
I'M DONE.
" [ BUZZER .]
AND THEN I'M WATCHING THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND THERE'S ROBIN AND HIS GRANDMOTHER.
[ BUZZER .]
ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, THIS IS THE STONE I PASSED.
[ BUZZER .]
UM "WHAT ROBIN WILLIAMS IS THINKING RIGHT NOW.
" I HAVE A CAREER.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? [ BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE" AND FIND OUT WHO THE WINNER IS.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" [ DOORBELL RINGING, BUZZER BUZZING .]
THE WINNER TONIGHT -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
COLIN MOCHRIE IS THE WINNER.
COLIN MOCHRIE IS THE WINNER, AND WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME FOR YOU CALLED "PROPS.
" RYAN AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE A PAIR OF PROPS.
IS THIS FOR ME AND RYAN? YOU GUYS TAKE YOUR PROPS.
WE'RE GOING TO SAY AS MANY FUNNY THINGS AS WE CAN THINK OF, STARTING WITH ME AND RYAN.
HOPE WE FIND SOME NUTS TODAY.
[ BUZZER .]
SIT.
OH! [ BUZZER .]
RIDDLE ME THIS.
[ BUZZER .]
RICK 'EM, RACK 'EM, ROCK 'EM, ROCK 'EM, GET THAT BALL AND REALLYFIGHT! [ BUZZER .]
COME ON, RUDOLPH, WE HAVE LOTS OF HOUSES TO GO TO TODAY.
[ BUZZER .]
BRING ME THOSE DALMATIANS QUICKLY! HA HA HA HA! [ BUZZER .]
WELL, SCARECROW, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME TO FIND THE WIZARD.
[ BUZZER .]
BRING HER THROUGH.
OKAY.
[ BUZZER .]
LUKE, YOU MUST FIGHT THE FORCE FOR ME.
[ BUZZER .]
[ PRETENDING TO SING IN SPANISH .]
[ BUZZER .]
HELLO, LUCY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AT THE SHOW? [ BUZZER .]
DOES JUGHEAD SEEM ODD LATELY, VERONICA? YEAH.
[ BUZZER .]
MY WIFE IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING -- "SHAVE YOUR BACK.
" [ BUZZER .]
O SOLO MIO [ BUZZER .]
[ BOTH CHANTING .]
[ BUZZER .]
OH, WOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW WITH EVERYBODY READING THE CREDITS FOR YOU.
I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS AS EVERYBODY DOING THE RIVER DANCE.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
DAN PATTERSON, I OWE EVERYTHING TO YOU.
DAN PATTERSON IS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
TOM PARK PRODUCED.
DANNY BREEN, DREW CAREY.
ROBIN WILLIAMS.
[ ALL HUMMING .]
-- Captions by VITAC -- CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND WARNER BROS.
INC.
OH, HEY, IT'S THAT BALD CANADIAN GUY -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
ISN'T THAT THE GUY WHO PLAYS DREW CAREY'S FRIEND ON "THE DREW CAREY SHOW"? RYAN STILES.
AND -- OH, MY GOD, IT'S ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE POINTS DON'T MATTER AT ALL, JUST LIKE "BLAIR WITCH 2.
" GET OUT, GET OUT.
I'D LIKE TO WELCOME A SPECIAL GUEST -- ROBIN WILLIAMS.
I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THAT CORRECTLY.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, DREW.
IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.
ROBIN WILLIAMS IS HERE TONIGHT.
ROBIN WILLIAMS -- HOW ABOUT IT? ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET GOING.
WE'RE GOING TO START WITH A GAME CALLED "HOLLYWOOD DIRECTORS.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
RYAN, ROBIN, AND WAYNE ARE GOING TO BE ACTING OUT A FILM SCENE.
COLIN IS THE DIRECTOR.
HERE ARE YOUR NOTES.
COLIN IS THE DIRECTOR WHO KEEPS GIVING THE ACTORS DIFFERENT NOTES ON HOW TO IMPROVE THE SCENE.
THE SCENE YOU'RE ACTING OUT IS RYAN AND ROBIN ARE TWO ITALIAN CHEFS MAKING PIZZAS WHEN YOU NOTICE UNUSUALLY LARGE RODENTS IN THE KITCHEN.
WAYNE ENTERS LATER AS THE EXTERMINATOR THEY'VE CALLED TO THE SCENE, SO I THINK HE MUST HAVE CALLED THEM BEFORE.
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
[ SPEAKS ITALIAN .]
[ BOTH PRETENDING TO SHOUT IN ITALIAN .]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS? HEY, HEY, IT'S BEHIND YOU.
WHAT? IT'S HUGE.
[ WAYNE MAKING CHIRPING NOISES .]
SOMEONE IS RIDING A SMALL BIKE.
YEAH, I TELL YOU IT'S YOUR DAMN BROTHER FROM THE CIRCUS AGAIN.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, HUH? I CAME TO GET RID OF THE BIG RATS.
HEY, THAT'S A BIG GUN, HUH? I DON'T SEE THAT SINCE LAST WEEK WHEN YOUR UNCLE CAME, YOU KNOW? CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! I'M REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME STAYING IN CHARACTER.
I KNOW YOU ARE! YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME! I'VE SEEN BETTER CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT ON THE "MATCH GAME.
" LET'S TRY TO CONCENTRATE AND WORK HARD! OH, FINE.
WORK HARD, WORK HARD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? LAST NIGHT YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT.
SHH! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S VERY SPECIAL.
HE NEEDS WORK.
WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS DO IT LIKE HILLBILLIES.
DO IT LIKE HILLBILLIES.
DON'T ASK WHY! I ONCE WON A NUBBY.
ACTION! [ Southern accent .]
DAMN, I CUT MYSELF.
WELL, WE'LL USE IT AS A SAUCE.
[ Southern accent .]
HEY, YOU'RE PUTTING TOO MUCH ON THERE.
SAVE SOME OF THAT BLOOD.
IT AIN'T GONNA MAKE NO DIFFERENCE.
IT'S GONNA BE BAD WHEN YOU PUT VELVEETA ON.
YOU JUST GONNA COVER IT ALL.
AAH! DON'T START WITH ME.
[ BOTH SHOUTING .]
[ WAYNE MAKING PIG SQUEALING NOISES .]
UH-OH.
HEY, GET OUT OF HERE! HEY, GET HIM OUT OF HERE! COME ON! COME ON, BOY, GET UP! WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY, YOUR BROTHER IS HERE FROM FOUR-H.
I HEARD.
HEY, I CAME TO KILL THEM RATS.
HEY, GET TO IT, SMART BOY.
CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD YOU'RE SAYING.
I'M HAVING A HARD TIME STAYING IN CHARACTER.
YOU WERE VERY GOOD, YOU WERE VERY GOOD.
A-DIFFICULT FOR ME.
HILLBILLY IS TOO CLOSE TO ITALIAN.
HILLBILLIES AND ITALIANS ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO -- WE NEED A LITTLE MOVEMENT.
ENERGY IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
WE NEED TO DO IT LIKE A RIVERDANCE.
I WANT TO SEE THAT SWEAT GLISTEN! GO! HEY! WHERE ARE THE RATS? WHERE ARE THE RATS? CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT, CUT! YOU KNOW WHAT? AT THE END -- AT THE END, THAT SEEMED A LITTLE TOO "CHARLIE'S ANGELS.
" I WISH! ALL RIGHT, WHAT WE NEED IS SOMETHING -- CAN I TAKE A MOMENT? TAKE IT.
DONE.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE WORKING WITH YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME? SHUT UP! WHAT I NEED IS YOU FILLED WITH LUST.
YOU REMEMBER.
GO! CAN I HELP YOU? WHY DON'T YOU WANDER OVER THERE AND GET SOME OF THAT SPECIAL PEPPERONI OF YOURS? WHY DON'T YOU STAY THERE AND LET SOMETHING RISE? OH.
I DON'T THINK I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE TO FLIP -- OH, IT'S FALLEN.
[ BUZZER .]
NOW I'M BACK.
BOY, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO SAY THIS A LONG TIME -- 1,000 POINTS FOR ROBIN.
THANK YOU, DREW.
I WANT TO THANK ALL THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR ME.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
NOW LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "DUET.
" THIS IS FOR ROBIN AND WAYNE WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME? JEREMY.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
YOU LOOK KIND OF TENSE.
COME ON DOWN HERE.
NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.
GO AHEAD AND HAVE A SEAT.
HOW ARE YOU? THAT'S JEREMY.
HE'S AN AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING TO HIM WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
I WANT YOU TO SING IT LIKE A GOSPEL SONG.
YOU'RE GOING TO SING A GOSPEL SONG TO JEREMY THE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.
Wayne: NOW, BROTHERS AND SISTERS -- YEAH, SAY IT AGAIN.
I SAID, BROTHERS AND SISTERS OH, SWEET LORD.
EVERY NOW AND THEN WE ALL HAVE TO GET UP IN A GOOD PLANE.
MM-HMM.
WE ALL HAVE TO ASCEND.
UH-HUH.
AND, YOU KNOW, BROTHER, WE CANNOT DO IT ALONE BECAUSE GOD MAY BE THE COPILOT -- I SAID GOD MAY BE THE COPILOT BUT SOMEBODY'S GOT TO TELL YOU WHERE TO GO.
BROTHER ROBIN, AM I CORRECT? YOU HAVE THE FEELING AND THE SPIRIT AND THE CLEARANCE TO LAND! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY! HEY, HEY NOW LET ME TELL YOU MY SONG AND LET ME BEGIN I GOT A BOY NAMED JEREMY IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW, HE'S PUSHING TIN OH, JEREMY HEY, YEAH I SAID JEREMY YOU BETTER WATCH OUT HE'S HUNG OVER FROM LAST NIGHT'S BASH OH, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER 'CAUSE TWO PLANES ARE GOING TO CRASH YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE UP FLYING IN THE AIR WHETHER YOU'RE LANDING IN L.
A.
OR O'HARE LOT OF FOLKS PASSING OVERHEAD COME ON NOW ALL DEPENDING ON YOU YOU SURE DON'T WANT TO END UP DEAD YOU HOPE TO GOD YOU'RE CLEAR TO RUN THROUGH JEREMY IS THE MAN WHO CAN REALLY MESS WITH YOU HEY COME ON GET UP NOW, BOY.
CAN YOU FEEL IT, JEREMY? GUIDE ME HOME.
GUIDE ME HOME.
COME ON.
OH, NO! OH! SECTOR ONE WE'VE LOST ONE.
WE'VE LOST ONE.
HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH All: HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH HEY, YEAH COME ON IN COME ON IN GET YOUR MEAL GET YOUR MEAL COMING ON IN PUT DOWN THE FLAP PUT DOWN THE WHEEL LANDING GEAR CHECK YOUR VECTOR CHECK MY VECTOR HIT THAT FLAP HIT THAT FLAP DOWN TO THE GROUND DOWN TO THE GROUND OH, YEAH I'M HOME! OH, JEREMY WE MADE IT HOME BECAUSE OF JER JER JEREMY YEAH WHOO! THANK YOU, JEREMY.
GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT, GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT.
Drew: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
WOW.
WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE VIEWERS WE HAVE OUT THERE TONIGHT? BOY, "FRIENDS" MUST BE A RERUN.
OH! SCARED THE HECK OUT OF ME.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS THERE.
I'M SORRY, MR.
PRESIDENT.
LET'S GO ON -- LET'S GO ON TO A GAME THAT WE DO ON THIS SHOW CALLED "PARTY QUIRKS.
" IN THIS GAME, COLIN, YOU'RE GOING TO BE HOSTING A PARTY.
WAYNE, ROBIN, AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE YOUR GUESTS.
WE'VE GIVEN EACH OF THEM A STRANGE QUIRK OR IDENTITY.
I'LL BRING YOU IN ONE AT A TIME WITH THE DOORBELL.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, COLIN, START THE PARTY.
[ MAKES CLUCKING SOUND .]
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
THIS SHOULD BE [ DOORBELL RINGS .]
HI.
[ Imitating Richard Simmons .]
HI, IT'S ME! HI.
HOW ARE YOU? I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT TO DO ALL THE SHOPPING.
[ Imitating Mr.
T .]
FOOL, SHUT UP.
I AIN'T GETTING ON NO PLANE.
[ Imitating Charo .]
COOCHIE, COOCHIE, COOCHIE! YOU SHUT UP AND GIVE ME BACK MY MASCARA! I'M GOING TO WEAR YOU LIKE A NECKLACE, FOOL.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, WHAT IS THIS? DID A GRAPE ATTACK YOU? I'M SORRY.
WHAT? OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT YOU.
GRAPE ON TOP, ARMY SURPLUS ON THE BOTTOM.
STAND ASIDE.
OH, MY GOD.
A PUMPKIN HIT PRADA.
I PITY THE FOOL WHO TOUCHES ME.
OH, PLEASE, GET AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU.
OH, AT LEAST -- SAVING GRACE, SAVING GRACE.
5 YARDS.
MOVE AHEAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, BUT I LIKE HIM.
[ DOORBELL RINGS .]
ARE YOU EVERY '70's GUEST FROM MERV GRIFFIN? HI.
HEY, COL, THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
ANY TIME.
NO PROBLEM.
WILL I HAVE A GOOD TIME AT THIS PARTY? ASK AGAIN LATER.
OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
COME ON, ROOMIES.
AND GO.
AND TWO, AND -- UH! AND TWO! MY GOD, LOOK ATHAT.
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE A WITCH THREW UP.
SHOULD I BE INSULTED? HEY! DEFINITELY YES.
WHY DO YOU THINK EVERYBODY'S BUM IS A MAGIC 8-BALL? [ BUZZER .]
WHY DO YOU THINK EVERYONE'S BUM IS A MAGIC 8-BALL? AND YOU'RE A VERY ANGRY PERSONAL FASHION ADVISOR NO, THAT THAT NEEDS DECAF.
WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM? THEY GIVE THEM A SPECIAL NAME.
YEAH, THEY DO, DON'T THEY? YOU KNOW, IF I WAS A BIGGER CELEBRITY, I'D HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU, BUT I HAVE NOBODY.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WRITE YOU A TICKET FOR THAT SHIRT BECAUSE IT IS CRAZY.
IT LOOKS LIKE MORGAN DAVID SAID, "I GIVE UP.
" FASHION CONSULTANT! FASHION POLICE.
ANGRY FASHION CONSULTANT WHO'S INSULTING ME.
WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER AND LOVE EACH OTHER.
SHUT UP, FOOL.
OH, STOP IT.
I PITY THE FOOL.
I AIN'T GETTING ON NO AIRPLANE.
YOU'RE EVERY CONTESTANT ON "THE GONG SHOW.
" MR.
T, CHARO ROOMMATES, ROOMMATES.
ROOMMATES -- YOU'RE ALL ROOMMATES.
[ BUZZER .]
HELP ME! HOW DID YOU GUESS? HOW DID YOU KNOW? 1,000 POINTS FOR COLIN.
HOW DID YOU GET THAT, MAN? LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED -- Robin: YES! LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT.
" THIS IS FOR ALL OF YOU.
NOW BEFORE EVERY SHOW, WE ASK THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DIFFERENT SUGGESTIONS DOWN FOR STUFF.
WHAT'S THE DEAD RABBIT FOR? MY OLD CAREER.
SO WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN DIFFERENT SUGGESTIONS FOR THINGS THAT THEY LIKE TO SEE.
LET'S SEE HOW MANY THESE GUYS CAN THINK OF, STARTING WITH "UNLIKELY SUPERHEROES.
" IT'S ME, RUN-AWAY-FROM-DANGER MAN! [ BUZZER .]
DID SOMEONE CALL FOR CAPTAIN PORK? [ BUZZER .]
I'M PARANOID -- GOD! [ BUZZER .]
"WORLD'S WORST SUBJECT FOR AN INTERPRETIVE DANCE.
" DIARRHEA -- FLOWS LIKE A RIVER.
[ BUZZER .]
IMPOTENCE IS A HORRIFYING THING.
[ BUZZER .]
[ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT, "IF ENTERTAINERS WORKED FUNERALS.
" PLEASE GATHER AROUND THE BODY.
WHOOSH! HE'S NOT THERE ANYMORE.
THANK YOU! [ BUZZER .]
IS THIS THE LOVED ONE? ALL RIGHT, START THE TRUCK, JOHNNY.
WOW! LOOK AT HIM MOVE! ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN? WITH JUST SIX VOLTS, YOU CAN MAKE YOUR RELATIVES DANCE AGAIN! [ BUZZER .]
[ BUZZER .]
A DOG.
[ BUZZER .]
WELL HARRY AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING BY.
WOULDN'T WE, HARRY? [ BUZZER .]
"FAMOUS HOLLYWOOD ROLES AS PLAYED BY CAROL CHANNING.
" I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
DID I FIRE SEVEN SHOTS OR SIX? WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IN ALL THIS CONFUSION, I'VE FORGOTTEN MYSELF.
SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF ONE QUESTION.
DO YOU FEEL LUCKY? WELL, DO YOU, PUNK? [ BUZZER .]
WELL, SURELY YOU MUST BE THE SON OF GOD.
[ BUZZER .]
I'M SPARTACUS.
[ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT.
THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY.
"THINGS YOU DON'T EXPECT TO HEAR WHEN YOU PUT YOUR EAR TO A SEASHELL.
" [ Imitating Carol Channing .]
I'M SPARTACUS.
[ BUZZER .]
PUT ME DOWN! [ BUZZER .]
WHO'S YOUR DADDY? [ BUZZER .]
THIS IS A GOOD ONE.
"BAD CHOICES TO MAKE WHEN YOUR GENIE GRANTS YOU THREE WISHES.
" UH, TWO COKES AND SOME CHIPS.
[ BUZZER .]
"INAPPROPRIATE ANECDOTES ON A CELEBRITY TALK SHOW.
" NO, AND SO, I LEFT THE BODY IN THE TRUNK, AND EVERYONE IS LIKE, "OOH, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?" [ BUZZER .]
SO THINGS ARE TOUGH, I'M A BIG HO, AND [ BUZZER .]
SO I SAID, "GET OFF ME, GRANDMA.
I'M DONE.
" [ BUZZER .]
AND THEN I'M WATCHING THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND THERE'S ROBIN AND HIS GRANDMOTHER.
[ BUZZER .]
ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, THIS IS THE STONE I PASSED.
[ BUZZER .]
UM "WHAT ROBIN WILLIAMS IS THINKING RIGHT NOW.
" I HAVE A CAREER.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? [ BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE" AND FIND OUT WHO THE WINNER IS.
WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" [ DOORBELL RINGING, BUZZER BUZZING .]
THE WINNER TONIGHT -- COLIN MOCHRIE.
COLIN MOCHRIE IS THE WINNER.
COLIN MOCHRIE IS THE WINNER, AND WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME FOR YOU CALLED "PROPS.
" RYAN AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE A PAIR OF PROPS.
IS THIS FOR ME AND RYAN? YOU GUYS TAKE YOUR PROPS.
WE'RE GOING TO SAY AS MANY FUNNY THINGS AS WE CAN THINK OF, STARTING WITH ME AND RYAN.
HOPE WE FIND SOME NUTS TODAY.
[ BUZZER .]
SIT.
OH! [ BUZZER .]
RIDDLE ME THIS.
[ BUZZER .]
RICK 'EM, RACK 'EM, ROCK 'EM, ROCK 'EM, GET THAT BALL AND REALLYFIGHT! [ BUZZER .]
COME ON, RUDOLPH, WE HAVE LOTS OF HOUSES TO GO TO TODAY.
[ BUZZER .]
BRING ME THOSE DALMATIANS QUICKLY! HA HA HA HA! [ BUZZER .]
WELL, SCARECROW, IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LONG TIME TO FIND THE WIZARD.
[ BUZZER .]
BRING HER THROUGH.
OKAY.
[ BUZZER .]
LUKE, YOU MUST FIGHT THE FORCE FOR ME.
[ BUZZER .]
[ PRETENDING TO SING IN SPANISH .]
[ BUZZER .]
HELLO, LUCY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AT THE SHOW? [ BUZZER .]
DOES JUGHEAD SEEM ODD LATELY, VERONICA? YEAH.
[ BUZZER .]
MY WIFE IS ALWAYS COMPLAINING -- "SHAVE YOUR BACK.
" [ BUZZER .]
O SOLO MIO [ BUZZER .]
[ BOTH CHANTING .]
[ BUZZER .]
OH, WOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" DON'T GO ANYWHERE.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW WITH EVERYBODY READING THE CREDITS FOR YOU.
I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS AS EVERYBODY DOING THE RIVER DANCE.
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
DAN PATTERSON, I OWE EVERYTHING TO YOU.
DAN PATTERSON IS THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER.
TOM PARK PRODUCED.
DANNY BREEN, DREW CAREY.
ROBIN WILLIAMS.
[ ALL HUMMING .]
-- Captions by VITAC -- CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND WARNER BROS.
INC.