Workaholics s03e09 Episode Script

I'm gonna clear it.
- Get 'em.
- Nope.
That didn't that didn't work at all.
Ow.
Ow.
A little bit.
Hey, if you guys see anything ninja-related, tell me, 'cause I am back on my ninja kick.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna get a shower radio, so I can literally rog out with my cog out.
Or we could just stick to the camping list, get the supplies we need, right? Definitely, but first, I want to get the stuff that I want to get first.
- Yeah.
- Know what I'm saying? - I'm gonna do that too.
- All right, just you know, travel shampoos.
Look for 'em.
Come on, 35 bucks? For what? Oh, plugs into the car.
That's cool.
Going camping there, Paul bunyan? Uh, no, me and my buddies are gonna follow a concert tour, so we're just gonna, like, be camping out.
- That sounds fun.
- Yeah, it should be.
I'm not really a great outdoors guy, though.
You know, unless there's a bald-headed bear.
- Yeah.
- From the movie, um what movie's that? It'sthe great outdoors.
What are you doing? - Shh.
- I don't think we should are you pregnant? Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
It's not for you to know what's inside this belly.
You're squeezing so hard.
- You like that? - I like it.
Oh, look at that.
Someone's up.
- Oh, yeah.
- Someone's up.
I'm up.
- Morning.
- I'm up and at 'em.
Don't do that with your face.
Don't do that.
I don't like that.
That's better.
Oh, God, all right, all right, all right.
Aha.
Wait, did you just take a picture of me? - Thank you.
- Who are you? Don't You need some help there, my friend? What? Uh, um, no.
No.
I'm, uh I'm all right.
I'm just getting some pants.
- How about a larger size? - No, I-I think they're good.
So.
Wear 'em out.
Good day.
I'm fresh you gotta, you gotta, you gotta gotta be fresh Yo, Ders.
Check it out.
Look who we ran into.
Tez has let us he's gonna let us borrow his rv to go to the Xzibit concert this weekend.
- Yes! - Cool.
I have to admit, I was, like, stressing really about it, guys, but I think now this this trip's gonna be a little less in tents.
"In tents"? Get it? "In tents.
" That's good.
That's good.
That's good.
"In tents.
" That's good.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah, but tents are for children.
Rvs are for cool-ass widowed grandpas who are single and ready to tingle.
Yeah, we're gonna be some tangling-ass grandpas this weekend, man.
What's up with the kid's ski pants, huh? Michael Jackson special? Everything half-off kids? I was reading this joke calendar back there.
June was funny, man.
You should get it.
I will, but it's, like, 12 bucks.
You are not gonna believe what just happened to me.
Uhoh! Hottie coming through, y'all.
I'd like you to meet my bangin'-ass wife, Colleen.
- Hi.
How you doing? - Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, monty, I'll see you at the checkout, okay? Hey, did you get those baby naming books.
I did.
Y'all, check this out.
We having a little girl.
And we gonna name her Montessa.
No, we're not.
We talked about this.
Okay.
- Okay, I'll see you there.
- Mm-hmm.
Ten years of marriage, and she still got a ass like a black tennis player.
Ain't that right, guys? What? I Didn't see it.
Wouldn't look.
She's your wife.
Listen, y'all, I gotta go break me off a piece of this country white bread.
You 'bout to get re-pregnatized, girl! So, uh, you said something crazy happened? Yeah.
I, um I just saw O.
J.
Simpson trying on isotoners that way.
- O.
J.
Simpson is here? - Yeah, just over there.
He's my favorite killer.
O.
J.
! - He's trying gloves on? - Yeah.
O.
J.
! - This is bad.
- O.
J.
? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Buddy, hey, ho.
Hold up, hold up.
What are you trying to do? You trying to kill me? I didn't know you were there, but it sounds like a good idea now.
What are you doing, dude? What's it look like I'm doing? Okay, I want to talk to you bros just before y'all bros just went to the concert, so I slept behind your bros' car, dudes.
- That makes sense.
- Karl, I already told you, man.
You can't come to the concert.
I'm sorry.
Why not? 'Cause you always get crazy and start fights at concerts.
- Always.
- No, I don't.
- You do.
- No, I don't.
Dude, do you not remember the 311 mosh pit? Yeah, that was a great pit, man.
Very chill mosh.
Great people in there.
Yeah, really chill until you bit through a little girl's ear.
I'm sorry, Blake, but I was just trying to come original.
You hit Rebeca Mcentire in the tit with a rock.
Yeah, that's what you said.
You said, "take this, reba tits," and you threw a rock.
You you did that.
It's the live music, okay? It's the energy of it all.
You know, it just, like, goes in, and it takes over my soul, and then it 9/11s my whole body, sending it in to "cha-os," and I'm just, like but really concerts are just a place for you to find people to fight, right? - Yeah.
- Great, that's what I thought.
- Sorry, Karl.
- Hey, horrible seeing you.
Stay stupid, human penis.
Later, duder.
Wait, guys.
What about the rap music van? What am I gonna do with that? I don't know.
You could wash it.
Oh, wash it? Yeah, that's gonna do Go ahead.
Go to work, man.
Whoo! - Oh, my gosh.
- Ho.
We're doing it, guys.
We're officially doing road rules, man.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
- This is great.
Do you guys know what this thing does to panties? Sops them, then drops them.
Yes, it does.
Yeah, chicks love dudes with rvs.
My Uncle drives one.
Gets laid all the time.
Yeah? He's a coke dealer also, so that might have something to do with it.
It's probably what he did to buy the rv, you know? And I want the best bed 'cause I'm probably gonna be doing some "fugzin'.
" - Well, we all want that.
- You better be.
Yeah.
But whoever touches the rv first gets it.
Wait no.
What? - Oh! You suckers.
- Damn it, Adam.
You have to give us a little bit of advance notice.
Whoever touches the other side, gets to control the radio.
Ready, set, go.
Wait, no I said ready, set, go.
Yeah.
Uh, hey, Montez.
We're just gonna take a tour of the rv if that's cool.
You want me to take your garba okay.
You have a bag full of double-ended dildos? That's used.
That's was used probably.
Strap-ons is this Evan stone? What's he's doing back there? Is that Evan stone? He's my favorite.
Man, that's $1,200 worth of premium sex toys.
Got them for Colleen for our ten-year anniversary.
Made her a music video, but it's all over, man! It's over! Why is that? 'Cause she cheating on me, man! - Whoa.
- Wait.
Did she she did she tell you that? Um, but she didn't say anything about, like, who it might be or, like, what the person looks like, right? Man, I heard her on the phone talking about she worried about gettin' a std.
Like she got some kind of thing called coochie mold.
- What? - Awesome, dude.
I actually just won a foot race, so I'm entitled to the best bed.
So is that in the front? Hey, you can't use this any more, dummy.
I'm living in there.
Okay, for sure.
Like, what the happened to my life? I had it all.
Tell you what, man, if I catch this dude, I'm gonna cut his dick off.
I'm just gonna take it and just rip it.
I'll put it in a microwave and cook it.
Oh, right.
Yeah, 'cause, like, cheaters.
We hate 'em.
They make me sick.
But you know, maybe you should treat 'em nice.
I'm gonna go, uh, throw up 'cause I'm so sick of hearing about your horrible situation, man.
You okay, Tez? You seemed bummed, dude.
- Hey, Jillian.
- Hmm? I got to see Montez's emergency contact information right now.
Oh, is there an emergency? Uh, kind he's okay.
But kind yes, kind of.
A little bit.
Well, there needs to be an emergency, Anders.
Unless You let me paint your nails.
Damn it.
Hey, um, Colleen, this is Anders Holmvik.
We met the other day in the camping section.
You might remember.
I hope you do.
Anyway, um, you took a picture of me which was not cool, and we need to talk about that.
By the way, amazing hand job.
Um, anyway, you know what? I'll come to you.
Don't don't even call me back, okay? Uh, take care.
I can't have my chick cuckolding me like this.
Just thinking about this dude drive me bananas! Whoo! B-a-n-a-n-a-n-a.
I need I need to know who is it, man.
Who is it? Okay.
Fine.
Well, what if we could find out who it was? Would you let us have the rv then? - Yeah, sleuth.
We'll sleuth.
- Sleuth it out.
How y'all gonna do that? Does she suspect that you know anything? Have you been weird to her a little bit? Are you a little weird? No.
I took off in the rv this morning.
- Okay, all right.
- Okay, there you go.
Right, so, uh, why don't you tell her that you went on a hunting trip, right? And then and then when she gets all, like, horny - Yeah, like they always are.
- Like chicks constantly do.
- Yes, constantly juicing.
- Yeah.
And then she invites her new stud over And when he's about to pound her, we pound him.
Or you.
Okay, good.
Adam, great call with the safety harnesses, bud.
- Yeah, right? - I feel so secure up here.
No, I've actually fallen out of a lot of trees as a kid, so I was like, "we need a safety harness.
" You know, a bunch of rope tied around our waists.
That's safe.
- Good call.
- How you doing on that steak? I'm good for now.
I'm probably gonna want more though.
- Yeah.
- I love steak.
I absolutely love we should go on more steak-outs.
- Yeah.
- What what are you doing? Well, Blake, when you have a fine steak, you got to complement it with a fine wine, my baby.
Okay, now I have heard that, but you are eating berries.
Don't be thick, man.
Not with me.
Where do you think wine comes from? Berries.
They're little wine balls.
Like a fine "peanut garagio.
" Right? I'm a chef.
Oh, my gosh, dude.
Dude, look.
Look, here he comes.
I'ma call Montez.
- Yeah.
- Montez? We have our perpetrator.
He is here.
We're we're looking at him now.
Yeah, don't worry, Tez.
He looks like a bitch.
We're gonna get him, dude.
Yup, yes.
He's on his way.
All right, kick ass.
All right.
- Look, babe, the party's over.
- I'm sorry.
Party? Yeah.
Wait, oh.
You're gonna act like we didn't have the best time of our lives? I'll never forget how much I ejac'd, and I'm sure you had a climax that was unbearable, even though I didn't even touch you, but it's gotta stop.
I'm sorry, what do you what do you want? Oh, God, you don't get it.
Look, you gotta delete the photo from your phone, now.
Right, okay.
Let me get my phone.
Oh, thank you.
I'm just gonna all right, so we're gonna have to get pretty physical right now.
It's been a long time since I've gotten physical.
Dude, don't even worry about it, I brought weapons.
I brought weapons.
Really? Okay.
Look, check it out.
I got a slingshot.
Cool, I'll take that.
I'll take that, unless you have a grenade launcher.
Well well, I have something better.
I have the tetanus ball.
It's a tennis ball with rusty nails in it.
Okay, I'm gonna want the slingshot 'cause this looks pretty stupid.
What are you you're supposed to throw how are you gonna pick that back up, man? You're gonna you're gonna tetanus-ize yourself.
No, no, see, that's what you're not taking into account.
I have a protector glove that you wear, so maybe maybe you should think that over before you call - very, very smart move.
- Thank you.
But also, I will take the slingshoot.
Well, no, I don't think you should because you don't even know how to sling-shoot.
Well, did you see my practice runs? Well, I did, and it didn't look right.
No, it looked pretty good.
Okay.
You have no ammo, so you can't - give me! Give me! - No, fine.
- Aah! - Adam? Adam? Oh, oh, my, oh, my - help me! - Adam! Oh, my God! Help! Help me! Uh, yeah, just give me the slingshot.
And hold the back.
Nice try! Cut me down! All right, just well, don't break your neck! Help! My friend is choking! Ders? Blake? What are you doing here? - What? You're the cheater? - Yeah, I'm the cheater, okay? At the store the other day, she gave me a over-the-pants H.
J.
And, dude, you should have seen what I did in my pants.
- Really? - Unreal.
I just, like, barfed out of my thing.
No way.
How many ounces are we talking? Like a, like a gusher's worth? Or like a Capri sun? Like five busts of I don't know how much.
Oh, that's why you were wearing ski pants.
You were dealing with the stain probably.
Dude, now I get it.
Oh! Adam, Adam! Adam's choking, he's dying, man.
We got to cut him down.
- What are you talking - Come on, come on! - What? - Go, go, go! Get something sharp, something sharp.
Here, here, here, here, here, here.
Oh, come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Come on, come on! He's right through here! Wait, man, you're not supposed to run with these.
- I know! No! - What are you guys doing? - Just drop the stupid thing! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, cut him down! - I got him.
- Cut him down! Come on! - Adam! Use some strength, you pussy! They're not cutting! I'll be back.
No, no, no! My little baby! My little baby! My little angel! - Oh, my God.
I got a big knife! - Ders, what took you so long? - I got a big knife! Back up! - Cut him down! Oh! You all right? - I thought we lost ya.
- Oh, God! - It's all right.
- Oh, my God! I almost died! - I know.
- I almost died! That was so scary! Thank you for saving me! It's okay, it's all right.
It's all right.
I had a realization.
I've been alive for 24 years, and I haven't even done anything with my life.
- Don't say that.
Come on.
- You have too.
- I haven't done anything! - Come on.
I've never even jet skied off a waterfall.
- Hey, no one's done that.
- Yeah, not many do.
I've never even hot-air ballooned around the world.
- It's very expensive.
- Yes.
I've never Even seen the expendables.
We did, though.
On Valentine's day.
Whatever the point is, I need to do more badass stuff! And watch more classic movies.
I haven't even seen beauty and the beast in, like, seven years, and that was my favorite movie.
- Okay.
- And I'm blowing it! All right, so what the hell are you guys doing? Ders, what are you doing here? Let's go get this cheater.
Let's go get this cheater as a team.
- No, Adam, Adam, Adam.
- Team best friends.
Adam, Ders Ders is actually the cheater.
He got a hand job from Montez's pregnant wife.
- Yeah.
- What? It was this out-of-control, over-the-pants hand job that it was like a tantric explosion of everything.
- Over the pants, though? - Yeah.
No, man, that's not how you want to do it.
What? Wow, dude, has the Internet melted your brain? Come on.
Over the pants is fine.
- No way, man.
- Hey! - You got to go under the pants.
- Y'all find him? - Uh.
- Um, here.
No, we didn't.
He escaped.
He ran away.
He was very fast.
Well, what did he look like? Did you see him? Actually, no.
We don't know if it's a he, a she, an it.
We're not sure.
No, look, I could tell you exactly what he looks like.
And it's about time you knew too.
- Yes.
- What are you doing, Ders? I'm doing what's right, okay? Tez, you're my work friend, and you deserve to know that after the Xzibit concert, he deserves to know.
Who is it? Montez, the guy that's your wife is named Karl Hevacheck.
Karl Hevacheck.
- Hevacheck.
- Yeah.
He's insane ah hmm, now, I wonder what a rap mu "musage" van is? Karl.
Ooh.
Hey, so what's new, guys? Welcome to my new life here in the rap massage van, where I give homeless people free bum rubs.
- God, it smells like, uh - It's like - like - Um well, it smells like you're massaging homeless people.
- Yeah, that's - That's exactly what it smell that's a good way to describe it.
All right, now look, man, we got soup kitchens, places for homeless people to eat.
But we don't have massage kitchens, places for massages to go down on homeless people.
Hey, Karl, I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have an opportunity for you and it's pressing.
- Shh! - I'm sorry.
Karl, we'd like to you join us at the Xzibit concert.
Interested? I've been thinking a lot about what you guys said, and you're absolutely right, you know.
Trying to find my inner peace.
And right now, I've kind of found it in this dude's giant back.
I'm lovin' it, I'm lovin' it.
So, uh, I'm gonna have to say na-nay-no, my brothers.
No, Karl.
Come on, dude.
All you got to do is pretend like you were having sex with our co-worker's wife, and then he's probably gonna beat you up, just like you wanted.
Can Mike come? Get down, turn around show me what you got you a pow pow juggernaut take it up a notch all my guys, wow, take him out let me take a shot there's your boy.
I want you to come here and see this.
- Who are you calling? - Is this the dude? Am I the dude? Yeah, I'm the dude, man.
I'm the dude, homey.
I'm the one who's been giving your wife the stinky , man.
So what are you gonna do? Just punch me right here, man.
I wanna be your bitch.
Hit him.
- Yup, make him bleed.
- Whoo! I would like to know what was she saying about me? Hold on, what you what you say? I said, what was she saying about me? What was she saying about you? Uh Oh, dude, she was saying that you have a tiny little dick.
All right, like a tootsie roll, man.
While I have the Charleston chew, the king-sized version, and you know your bitch has a sweet tooth.
All: Oh! - He's got him! Yeah! What's up, now? Hit me.
Hit me, man.
I'm more referring to her emotional needs.
Emono, there's nothing emotional about it, man.
You don't get it.
You can't "f" right, and I gave her the dunking donut, and then I had that bitch doing cirque du soleil all over the room.
Man, she creamed her panties for me.
- Oh! - God damn it! And guess what she called me, man.
She called me the king.
I'm king Karl.
Say it, Mike.
- He the king.
- I'm say it, Mike.
He's the king! - One more time, Mike.
- He the king! I'm the king, man.
And guess what.
You just the prince, man.
You prince "mooted.
" "Mooted," you a bitch.
Okay? And that baby in your wife's stomach? Guess what, man.
Too far.
That's mine, dude.
Sorry, but you're not a daddy.
You're not a daddy.
Now hit me, man.
You know what? I'm glad you here, 'cause I want you to see this.
Come on, man.
You get first.
You get number one.
Come on, Ted.
- Ugh! - Oh! Hell, yeah, bitch.
- Okay.
- Yup, you got him.
That's it.
- Good to go.
- Oh! Yeah.
Look what you got me doing, woman! Look what you got me doing.
- Oh, that's gonna bruise.
- Tez, stop it! Stop it! I wish I was dead! Give that oh! Oh! Karl, you know Karl! Wait! Tez, I'm the cheater.
What? Oh, okay.
Oh, Jesus.
This is a dildo.
That's a dildo, guys.
Oh, gross, man.
That's right.
I'm the guy.
Oh, man, that was a rush.
That was great.
I don't need to go to the concert any more.
Dude, that was a sick mosh.
- Mm-hmm.
- That was awesome.
- Okay, okay.
- Man, it was awesome, bro.
Yeah.
Thanks, Karl.
Right on.
See you guys.
Hey, Mike, let's go.
Somebody better tell me what the hell is going on 'fore I whoop y'all with this two-headed dilly.
Look, Tez, I had no idea that Colleen was your wife when she gave me that standing H.
J.
In that store, okay? - Hand job? - Yes.
- Over the pants? - Oh, yeah.
- Standing? - Mm-hmm.
I mean, that's all right with us.
All: What? - That's okay with you guys? For our ninth anniversary, I told her she can give as many hand jobs over the pants as she wants.
Oh, my God.
You're the perfect wife.
Yeah.
Why, what do you what do you get? Overthe-blouse titty nibbling in pub.
Titty nibbling? I would love to titty nibble in p okay.
Yup, yup.
I applaud your relationship.
I want to get married.
That sounds awesome.
I don't know about all of that.
I have a bone to pick with you, woman.
I want to know where you've been sneaking off to in the middle of the night? Why are you telling people you're worried about getting coochie mold? Monty, no, I don't have coochie mold.
I was getting a mold made of my coochie For you.
What? - I'm I don't know.
- What? - Ah! All: Whoa.
Yes, oh, my God.
- Surprise.
- Look at that.
Beautiful, that is beautiful.
Hey, it's our tenth anniversary.
And I wanted it to be perfect for you, you know.
When this baby comes, I'm gonna be sliced open like a sea bass, and I want you happy.
That's true.
Babies ruin vaginae.
This is the sexist, freakiest, most beautiful gift you have ever gotten me, but you know what? We need to quit this perverted arms race before somebody gets hurt.
- Oh, are you sure? - Yeah.
Baby, I don't want to have sex with this coochie mold.
I want to have sex with your real coochie for the rest of my life.
- Aw.
- You know what? Here.
I'm "bequeefing" this to you.
You're queefing this to me? - Oh, cool.
- Use it well.
Mm, girl, come here.
You about to get tore up.
Montez, you're not a total piece of.
Man, you're the man.
I got the baby oil.
Go on in there with your fine ass, girl.
You're my hero, thank you.
This is such a cool thing.
- Hey, hey! - We were gonna go.
Close the door.
Can we borrow the r you said we could we're supposed to borrow it to go to the Xzibit concert? - Just hurry up.
- Do you remember? All right, we'll just wait.
We'll wait a little bit.
Well, it's been like an hour.
Should we go get a snack or something? Yeah, it's hot, man.
I could go for a drink.
- Whoa! - Yes.
Anything but a squirt.
Nice.