Xena: Warrior Princess s03e09 Episode Script

Xena? 'you Dexon? You lookin' to die? What is this? Some kind of a trick? I come in peace.
Right-- and I'm Cupid-- spreading love wherever I go.
What do you really want? To see you give up your warrior ways.
The violence that you thrive on is a disease,Dexon.
It grows inside you.
And it wobs you of your humanity.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
It is-- but it doesn't have to be that way.
We can put aside our differences.
We can bury our weapons.
We can learn to live together in peace.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes-- to sacrifice everything.
You've got a knife stashed under that breastplate.
Dexon-- maybe this will convince you to trust me.
Look at me, Dexon.
See me as I truly am-- not a warrior, but a champion of peace-- willing to die for it.
I'm moved-- truly.
I hardly know what to say, except-- grab her! Isn't that Xena? They're going to burn her at the stake! Have you lost your mind? What are you doing? These people are going to kill you.
I am not afraid to die.
Not if it is Hestia's will.
Hestia? The virgin goddess? What does she have to do with the price of grapes in Carthage? She is my salvation.
I do as she ordains.
Since when? All right, boys-- light her up! Here-- catch! Hey! I get it.
This is about me bugging you for more responsibility, isn't it? You wanna see if I can rescue you without your help.
I can do that.
Excuse me.
Get the girl! Hey! Let me go! Son of a Bacchae! You happy now?! Of all the stubborn-- pig-headed-- ! Hey! What do you think you're doing?! None of your business-- Tubby.
That's right, I'm talking to you.
Come here! Thanks.
I guess you're not gonna help me with this,either Well-- if it is Hestia's will, uh-- I'm not laughing! You're dead! It wasn't me; it was her! Stop them! Go! Come back here, you! Toward the left! Go! Hurry! They must've gone this way! You almost got us killed! What were you thinking? I'm on a mission.
A mission? Well, you had _better_ fill me in.
Because, this, this-- burning yourself at the stake stuff is way over the top.
Hey! You left your chakram at the square! Yeah, well, you're gonna have to get it! Unless you want me to do it.
My child, you seem a little troubled.
'Troubled' is a polite word for what I am! Callisto-- you've come back somehow, to drive me insane! Pr-- Princess Diana-- I, I should have known, I-- .
Meg? You really had me going.
You're not Meg.
Permit me to introduce myself.
I am Leah-- head priestess of the temple of Hestia.
You're kidding me, right? No.
A Hestian virgin? Are there any other sort? This is almost too good.
Hi, Xena.
Hi.
Sorry, I didn't catch up with you today.
I ran into Zagreus near Corinth.
Said he'd assembled a new army.
Turns out to be an imaginary one worse than What are you grinning at? You see, I ran into someone in town.
Mmm.
Someone really, really interesting.
At least, I think you'll find her interesting.
Mm-hmm.
Xena, for once, can you just-- just play along? All right.
Gee, Gabrielle, who is it? I simply have to know.
The suspense is killing-- Diana.
Oh.
Nope.
Meg.
Oh.
That's wrong again.
You give up? Xena, Warrior Princess, meet Leah-- the priestess-- the Hestian priestess.
The Hestian virgin priestess.
Ye gods on Mt.
Olympus.
It's a miracle.
Let's join hands and praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise Hestia! Praise-- So, you-- cast these stones, and they told you to confront Dexon.
Oh, not just stones.
Hestian stones, the voice of the goddess herself.
What about that outfit? I found this vile garment in my chamber-- no offense.
None taken.
I took it as a sign from the goddess-- dress like a warrior to confwont a warrior.
I had no idea I'd be mistaken for you.
Then, you always listen to Hestia.
Well, of course.
It's not my place to question the wisdom of the goddess.
We must all place our faith in Hestia.
Do I sense a nonbeliever among us? I just think that you'd do better if you put more faith in yourself.
Well-- looks like someone's caught a speeding chariot straight for Tartarus.
What about you, Gabrielle? Hmm? Surely, you place more faith in the all-knowing, ever-powerful gods than you do in yourself.
Yeah.
Actually, I'm with Xena on this one.
Ahh-- heathens to the left of me; infidels to the right.
Huh.
Tremendous.
Next thing, you'll be telling me you're not virgins.
Huuuuuh! Can I have a word with you? Excuse us, Priestess? Oh, yes, I think I'm in need of a little quiet reflection.
Oh, Hestia.
If denying the flesh is the path to true wighteousness, then what lessons can I learn from these wanton strumpets? You don't have to be a virgin to be virtuous.
Oh, yes.
You keep telling yourself that, Dear.
Something is wrong, here.
I'll say.
I thought all Hestians were sweet and kind and-- Never mind that.
Someone is using Leah's blind devotion and me to do her harm.
Maybe even to kill her.
We should take her back where she belongs, and get to the bottom of this.
And how can I pass your wisdom on to these women of questionable virtue-- who so obviously disregard the purity of their own bodies.
I was married at the time.
Yes, well, we all have our little excuses, don't we? Were you? Virgins only.
What is it, written on my forehead? Look, it's all right.
My friend and I have brought back Priestess Leah.
What are you talking about? The Priestess is right there.
And now, the Priestess Leah will lead us all in a prayer.
OK-- so let's kick off today's ceremony with a pawable.
A centaur and a cyclops go into a bar.
And the bartender says to the cyclops-- Is there a problem, huh? Everyone is waiting here to hear Hestia's divine message.
The Hestian stones, your Eminence.
Aw, well-- now we're talkin'.
Come in, seven! Priestess needs new sandals.
That's Meg.
Well, it sure ain't no virgin.
I couldn't help overhearing.
If you're looking for Meg, she owns a tavern down the road.
Catch you there later? Don't count on it.
OK, girls-- be honest.
Who among us here, really is a virgin? Xena, what is she up to? I don't know, but I'm goin' to find out.
Take Leah to that tavern.
She'll be safe there if you disguise her as Meg.
But, why would I need a disguise? A Hestian virgin is welcome everywhere.
Wait, now, where are you going? To talk to an old friend.
I knew there'd be something to drink around here.
Hello, Meg.
What are you doing here? I could ask you the same thing.
You got some nerve, Priestess.
Abandoning your flock just when they needed ya.
And a woman of the cloth.
Probably out sewing your wild oats.
Ya make me sick.
Go on, get outta here! You don't wanna be doing that, Meg.
Oh-- so, the little virgin wants to play rough, huh? Eh? How'd you like a trip to Mt.
Olympus, courtesy of my fist?! Hello, Xena.
Hello, Meg.
Oh, very well, I will play the part of the wetched lush,Meg but I hardly think anyone will be fooled.
Yes, they will.
You really are a very nice, albeit misguided-- young person, Gabrielle.
It's a great pity I didn't get 'hold of you sooner.
You would've made an excellent Hestian.
Thanks.
-I don't think so.
Well, the chaste life's not so bad.
Once you get used to it.
You simply have to follow the Hestian rules.
Rule 1-- know thyself.
Rule 2--whatever-- Believe me.
If I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem.
There you go-- you're done! Can you look-- sexy? Alluring? Oh.
Do I capture her essence? Yeah.
It's not going to be as hard as I thought.
So, Balius comes to me with a sob story that Leah's disappearance deserted those poor girls-- I mean, virgins.
He asked me to fill in for her at the ceremony tonight.
You know-- hand out the wine, make up a few blessings.
And I thought, what the hey, I'm in the mood for a good deed.
Tell me more about Balius.
Bali? Well, he's the head priest.
A bit of a cream puff if you ask me.
What are you doing? I'm going to take your place.
I'm gonna find out who's trying to get Leah and why.
Stay here.
And don't make trouble.
How could I make trouble? I'm a virgin! Great bed.
Meg, what happened? Meg, where have you been? We got problems.
Kara's got some guy in room 3.
I think she's giving him a freebie.
A freebie? Gabrielle, what's she talking about? Um-- what Meg means is-- why not let me-- um-- her new assistant, help you? That's good thinking, Meg.
Why don't you just wait by the bar and I'll be back.
Oh.
OK, I'm ready, huh-- I think.
Ladies, Meg-- your prayers have been answered.
Joxer! Look, it's Joxer! Ha-ha.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
Joxer the Mighty, Master of virility, Every woman wants him, He's so sexy it's a sin, If you want a special tryst, He's the man you can't resist, By every measure he's a prize! Just check out my shoe size! Just check out his shoe size! Ha-Ha! He's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty! Ha-Ha! Joxer the Mighty, Captain of debauchery.
Never seems to get enough Of our tantalizing stuff.
If you need some company, With Joxer there's a guarantee, Of the highest potency! Heck, I'd even work for free! Take your filthy hands off me!!! He's-- Joxer, Joxer the Mighty! What do you think you are doing? I am a Hestian virgin! Oh, oh-- I-- oh! Right.
Well, um perhaps, the, uh-- Hestian virgin-- would like to teach naughty Joxer a lesson.
Ha-ha! I'm waitin', my little donut.
Hi,Gabrielle.
Hi, Gabrielle.
Ah, ah, hi, hi, hi-- how you doing? Good, fine.
I'm just-- I'm fine.
Uh-- what're you doing here? Huh! I'd like to ask you the same thing.
Oh.
But, I don't want to know.
Come here.
Oh.
Oh, oh, I can't-- oh-- sheesh! Wait a minute.
The woman I love is working here.
I've gotta stop her.
On the other hand I am just a-- small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her.
What am I saying? Yeah.
Gabrielle-- whatever terrible tragedy brought you into this life-- I want you to stop it.
Joxer, it's a long story, but I do not work here.
OK-- Wa-wa-wa-wa- wait, wait wait.
So, you-- you're on a mission? Right.
Um-- I think you should know this.
This is not Meg.
This is Leah-- the Hestian priestess.
Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Meg-- has a double? Which looks-- Yeah? -- like a-- virgin priestess.
Mmm You OK? Of course I'm not OK! I just defiled a virgin Priestess.
Let's go.
Come on.
I'm going straight to Tartarus, now.
What're you doing? Bali.
I just got bored, so I started lookin' around.
This is pretty! What is it? It's not a Hestian medallion.
Something tells me you're not a Hestian priest.
You breathe a word to anyone-- you're dead! You got something cooking against the Hestians? Come on.
Cut me in on the action.
We'll see.
For now, just you play your part, my little tramp.
Mmm.
Balius.
May I have a word with you-- in private? Oh, I can take a hint.
See you later, Bali.
Who was that woman? Meg, of course.
Why? If that was Meg-- who's at the temple altar-- polishing off the sacrifical wine? Hello, Meg.
Bali.
I was just making a contribution.
Hey, you know everyone around the temple-- maybe you can help.
Does Leah have any enemies? Someone who might be trying to knock her off and take over as Priestess? Why do you ask? I'm just trying to help out a friend.
She says someone might be trying to kill Leah.
Would that friend be Xena? I _can't_ say.
But if you can't trust a man of the cloth, who can ya trust, huh? Yeah-- it's Xena.
She's a really, really good friend of mine.
She's checking out the temple as we speak.
Thank Hestia she's here.
Tell me, is Leah all right? Yeah, couldn't be better.
She's hiding out at my place, pretending to be me.
Ain't that a kick in the head.
It certainly is.
In any event, I'm gonna need your services for the ceremony tonight.
You're the only one who can do justice to the part.
Really? I'm that good? Absolutely.
The ceremony wouldn't be the same without you.
Excellent.
OK.
Xena's here.
Take a contingent of guards-- and search the temple.
Make sure she doesn't escape.
What about the Priestess? Xena can't be in two places at once.
I'll send a few men down to the tavern, to slit Leah's throat.
I thought I told you to stay put.
Ah-- well, I got thirsty.
You were wrong about Balius.
He's a Deilian.
They despise all Hestians.
He set Leah up, and he's got plans for the other Hestians as well.
Something wrong? Mm-mm.
Mm.
All right.
You stay out of sight.
I need more time to check out what he's up to.
OK.
Priestess-- it's time for declarations.
Look, can-- can this wait? I'm really busy right now.
What's gotten into you? You know we must declare our sins to you at the same time every day.
Shoot.
It all started in the garden.
I was happily tilling the soil when my eyes fell upon something magnificent-- the summer squash.
Priestess? Go on-- I'm listening.
My mind raced.
Surely, the gods wouldn't have given us such Is everything all right,Priest? Yes, perfect.
Go on.
Well-- So, Balius knows I'm here.
What else does he know? He knows about Leah.
He sent men to Meg's place to kill her What was that, Priestess? Ah, nothing.
Please continue.
And the other Hestians-- what's he going to do with them? He's gonna kill 'em-- at the ceremony.
That's all I know I can't even enjoy salad without-- feeling guilty.
Wait! I need your advice Look.
Sometimes, it is best to take matters into your own hands Well? Gabrielle.
Where are you? Gab-- Who's been a naughty blacksmith? I have.
Ohh! I hope that's a petting zoo.
Oh, please, let that be a petting zoo! Sweet Hestia, I'm in a den of filth! Leah?! What are you doing here?! Gabrielle-- you knew what kind of a place this was,and you still kept these-- these-- harlots.
" N-now look.
I, I know this place isn't perfect.
And, and, and-- maybe it was a bad idea to bring you here, but, but-- Leah, if you stop to think about it-- what better place for a person like you to do some good? Onward virgin soldiers, marching us to war.
Please-- you have to be supported by your diaphragm All right, we'll try it one more time Onward virgin soldiers, marching us to war.
I'll make virgins of them yet.
Smile! Onward virgin soldiers-- Hey, girls, there's a whole _bunch_ of guards comingdown from the Hestian temple.
Looks like it's gonna be a busy _night_! Well all right, but remember to practice those high notes! We've got trouble.
Hmm? Where did you get this outfit? I found it in a back room.
There were lots of costumes in there.
Maybe they're planning a party.
Never mind.
Look-- you've gotta hide.
I'll try to convince them you're not here.
And, the choir was a nice touch.
It was, wasn't it? Gabrielle-- thanks.
Onward Virgin-- OK, girls, now thank you.
Be busy, make me proud, have a good time.
we've got the basement all ready for you.
Are you coming? Yeah-- I'll be right there.
OK, fine, Dear.
I thought I told you to hide.
Look, it's gonna be all right-- come on Keep moving.
Your Holiness.
Please-- forgive me.
To think I could've mistaken someone like you-- an innocent, sheltered woman-- for somebody like Meg, who's been around the block plenty--believe me You may give me your punishment as you see fit Hah! Why-- ? Aww-- boy, you virgins pack a wallop.
Must be all that pent-up energy I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm just looking for a place to hide.
From who? The temple gods.
I should've straightened this out while I had the chance.
who could expect Meg to play a convincing virgin? Once it's over, it's over! Wait a minute! You mean Meg is posing as you in the temple Well, at least she was.
I don't know where I am.
Oh-- the guards.
They must have discovered her.
That's why they're here! That makes trouble.
I've got to save her.
Say a prayer for me,Priestess.
Oh-- Leah-- I know you're really mad at me, and I don't blame you one little bit, but I swear, I didn't know that Bali was a bad guy Meg, I-- No, you gotta give me a chance to make it up to ya.
Bali's guards are outside, so you stay here, I'll go out there and pretend to be you pretending to be me.
You see? Curses! Too late! Step back! It's me you want.
I am the holy woman! Hello, Xena.
I'm sorry I messed up.
It's all right, Meg.
-- so I can hear them.
You all right? OK.
I can do this.
You're Leah.
You must be-- Souvenirs are giving me chafing.
-- Meg.
And that means that you-- Just glad everyone's all in one piece.
How many guards are outside? Too many.
And they're well armed.
Me Don't worry about that.
My girls will take care of them.
Well, that's great, but we have a bigger problem.
Joxer's gone to the temple to save you, Meg.
Fools! How could you let Meg escape?! If she's not here to pose as Leah at tonight's ceremony, y plan will never succeed! The stupid tramp is probably back at the tavern,protected by Xena! How am I gonna get her back in time?! I'll save you, Meeeg! Ugh.
Ugh.
Oh Meg, Gee, you got big feet for a girl I always thought that the g- g-- hi fellas.
Nice uniforms.
Got your tailor's address? You know, we could all get together and have lunch some-- evening.
Well,call you then Bye-bye.
A gift from the gods.
I think our work here is done.
Meg, you and your girls did a great job.
Now, we have to get Leah back to the temple, and show Balius up for what he really is.
Come on.
Bye.
Bye.
Good luck.
Bye.
Bye.
What do you want of me? You, my dear wench, are gonna help me fulfill my greastest fantasy Hestian virgins off the face of the earth! Guards! Hi, evewyone.
I think I'm getting stage-fwight.
You don't want me to lose it all over them virgins, do ya? I'll take my chances.
You want Joxer to live, don't you Priestss Yeah.
You don't want to do that.
Poison? Give each of them a glass-- and then read this proclamation,written in Hestian.
Then they'll drink the poison, and it will all be over.
Priestess Leah.
I need help, Xena! We've captured the priestess trying to enter the temple.
Shall we execute her? Throw her in the dungeon.
I wanna see the look on her face when all her sweet little Hestians-- are dead.
You connect anyone in mythology, back with the great warrior Thalidopes.
OK,look.
Let's say we wanted to connect-- Echidna-- the mother of all monsters with Thalidopes.
OK, now-- you're probably saying, How's he gonna do that, It's like-- right?' OK, well-- um-- Echidna met Hercules-- who saved her baby,Obi and Hercules met Thalidopes-- when he rescued the golden fleece.
Get it? OK,you wanna try it? Open up! Here's the priestess to keep you company.
But don't get too cozy.
You'll both be dead by dawn.
Yeah, well don't bet on it, roadblock! Eh, the nerve of that guy.
Don't worry about it, Priestess; I'll take care of everything.
You just wait.
First of all, gotta get that big dumb-looking guy with the keys to come over Then once he's lured in, I'll wait for the right moment and _pounce_ on him! Yeah.
Then I'll grab the keys from him, stick 'em in the door, turn it, and let us out.
I tell you, it's so easy, Priestess,any idiot could do it.
Come on, idiot.
Hi, Xena.
And now we'll pause for a brief musical interlude These are the words of Hestia 'Dama anowee.
Esti kai kalowee.
Esti kalowee kai.
Esti kalowee kai.
Worshipers of Hestia, see what your goddess has done.
She has killed those most loyal to her and betrayed your trust.
It's time you all converted to Deilianism-- the one true religion.
Hestianism is dead-- not by the hand of man-- but by the very words of goddess herself.
Kalistweea.
Kalowee kai.
It's a miracle! I don't understand.
You told them not to swallow.
You're not Meg The only woman who knows the ancient Hestian language is-- Leah.
That's wight-- Bali.
And you're headed for the dungeon,my man Not before you die.
Unhand that Hestian! You can't stop me! Get her! I will succeed, Priestess- even if I have to kill every Hestian myself-- starting with you.
Can you come take over here? My pleasure! Excellent! Stay away from us! You're a religious man, Balius.
I got three words for you.
Say your prayers Leah What would Hestia say about your use of physical violence? In this case, I think she'd say-- 'Nicely done.
' -- behind the bush! I just wanted to show my gratitude.
I know that-- I know that I may have misjudged you.
Maybe a little.
Maybe a lot.
I guess I never really thought there was anything worthwhile outside the temple ou've proved me wrong, and I'm glad.
Thank you.
I still think you'd make a great virgin.