800 Words (2015) s03e10 Episode Script

1 Oh, and when the day is done GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: Since the dawn of time, humans have done it, as cave dwellers, through millennia.
The pursuit of it is hardwired into us.
It's as natural as the big blue sea.
And yet the human race, we make such a big deal out of it.
I'm talking about a column subject guaranteed to embarrass my children.
And maybe myself.
S-E-X.
It seems we humans spend more time thinking about it, talking about it, or writing about it Than actually doing it.
[PHONE RINGS.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Beautiful day.
I haven't made it outside yet.
It's one of those days that makes you feel like you're on top of the world.
You want to come to my place tonight? I would love to.
What should I bring? Your toothbrush.
You're staying the night.
If you want to, that is.
I would.
I will see you tonight, then.
Yeah, see you then.
[THEME MUSIC.]
Aww, that's so sweet! Katie's gonna love them.
Oh, it's just a little something - for the dinner table, you know.
- Sorry, excuse me, George.
Go! Cut through Memorial Park, and I'll sweep in from the west.
Go! So nice being loved up, isn't it? Like, everything's better.
The sea, the sky, the little beach flowers.
Keep going! Head up Hillary Stairs! Everything alright? Oh, well, that depends.
Listen to this.
TOM: Oh, God! Nearly there! [PANTS.]
Dear Lord! It's Tom.
What's he doing? He thinks he's in pursuit of a bike thief.
[PANTS.]
[SPLUTTERS.]
Why would a bike thief come up Hillary Steps? I mean, he'd have to carry the bike.
There's no bike thief, George.
Wait for it.
[PANTS.]
W where .
.
criminal - .
.
is? - You OK, Tom? You.
You're the criminal, standing right here in front of me.
That is a confidential [COUGHS.]
.
.
government form.
The annual police fitness assessment form.
Essential for all frontline police.
- I found it in his rubbish bin.
- Tom, do you want a drink of water - or something? - No.
I see everything, Tom.
OK, you've been ignoring this for the past five years.
[PANTS.]
- Shoot.
- Oh, get up, please.
That's the worst acting performance I've ever seen.
Call an ambulance.
Hannah! - Look at it.
- Really? It's magnificent.
I did not know this about you.
- Dad knows him.
Come on.
- Ow! - Hi.
- Hello, ladies.
You got some gold for me? - Yes.
- Thanks.
Pretty generous, Siouxsie.
This is my daughter, Siouxsie, and her new friend, Shay.
- Hi.
- This is Dwayne, from the Stafford Fire Brigade.
He's running the joint boot camp for the next two days.
How are the numbers looking? Not so good our end.
But the whole Fire Brigade.
No one wants to give back anymore, huh? Yep, it's heart-breaking.
Exactly.
But, I mean, I do.
Want to give back.
Your 20 cents really showed us that, Siouxsie.
No, I mean, Shay and I were thinking of joining the Fire Brigade, actually.
- I'm sorry, we were? - In fact, we are super keen.
- Well, that's excellent news.
- That's not what you said - two weeks ago.
- Yes, it is.
I said we need more women in the force and you said you'd rather be forced to listen to Michael Bolton Are we allowed to give back to our community or not? I say hell yes.
- I say what the hell are you doing? - And we're in! - We'll see you at boot camp.
- This afternoon? - This afternoon? - Can't wait.
Oh, hey, now, just a warning, it is gonna be pretty physical.
I love physical.
- He'll live.
- What happened? Pushed himself too hard is my bet.
Heat exhaustion, low blood pressure, all can cause fainting after exercise.
As can being generally unfit and sloth-like.
Steady on, Hannah.
Anyway, I've told him to get a proper check-up with the GP before he starts any fitness program.
Oh, come on.
It was not a fitness program.
- It was the line of duty.
- Sort of.
There could have been a real bike thief up there for all he knew.
Hey, can one of you guys give him a lift home, because I'm actually running late for an appointment.
OK.
Come on, Tom.
You do know I'm your superior, don't you? - Bye! - Thanks.
Fiona.
Is everything alright? Everything? I just thought You're not going to do that "Am I OK with you and Katie" thing, are you, because there is No, I wasn't.
I wasn't.
I know there are no residual anythings.
No.
I mean, it would have been nice to know.
Before I asked you, and when I asked you.
Well, there wasn't anything to know.
Not at that point.
I mean, all that happened after.
This is all so new.
We haven't even OK, well, good.
Yeah.
Because I wouldn't have asked, obviously.
- If I had known.
- Yes.
But everything's alright between you and me? Peachy, George.
But like I say, I'm running late.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: So according to the famous song, the birds, the bees, the educated fleas, the goldfish in the privacy of their bowls, they all manage it without any drama.
Oh, whoa, wait.
Actually, I just need to go this way to my locker.
You have a locker? Yes, now.
Hey, look, there's Poppy.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, Pops.
So why'd you really bail on the caravan? Were your dad and Principal Dennis doing it in the next bunk? No, no.
It wasn't that.
Yahtzee! Whoo! Yes! I win again.
Another game? Oh, it's getting a bit late, don't you reckon? What about Jenga? Come on! Maybe tomorrow night.
Yeah.
God, lame.
Poor you.
It was kind of funny.
Yeah, we should go.
See ya.
See ya.
Bye, Arlo.
That was a bit weird.
What was? You and Poppy.
- Like besties.
- Why is that weird? I don't know.
I don't have a problem with Poppy because I don't need to have a problem with her, right? Yeah, right.
Of course.
Should we go back to your place after school today? Sure.
Big Mac wants us to write a puff piece about his 'Come to Weld' video, and one of us should get down to Memorial Park to take a photo of the boot camp.
[SIGHS.]
This is news, "People do exercise"? Yeah, people do exercise, Big Mac makes a video.
- We tell ALL the stories.
- Alright.
I'll sort out the camera for you.
Thanks.
Hiya.
Nice surprise.
I was just in town for an appointment.
Do all the women in Weld have appointments today? Mine is with Brenda, in her capacity as a beauty therapist.
Oh, that's right.
She does nails.
And other stuff.
Huh? Who else has an appointment? You said, "Do all the women of Weld have an appointment today?" Fiona.
But she might have just been making an excuse to get away from me.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm getting the vibe.
Oh, no.
I don't want things to be weird.
Maybe I should talk to her.
Maybe she's just got something else on her mind.
Mmm.
I'll see you tonight, then.
- Looking forward to it.
- Me too.
Hello? - Fiona.
- I'm fine! - No, you're not.
- No, honestly, I'm just You're crying! You never cry.
Not even in the 'Titanic' movie.
Yeah, well, that's because it's completely unrealistic.
Leonardo could have totally fit on that bit of wood.
Oh, is this my fault? No.
Really? Because I think that it might be.
I mean, before the wedding, when I said that there was nothing happening between me and George And I said that I wouldn't mind if there was.
Yeah, but there wasn't, not at that point.
And then I I guess I thought that you wouldn't mind.
Because that's what I said.
But maybe you were just saying that.
Maybe - Oh, I'm such a dick, God.
- Katie, stop.
It's not because of you.
I went to Stafford Fertility yesterday.
I thought I could have a baby, but I can't have a baby.
What, you're? - Have you had tests done? - No.
I can't afford it.
Do we really have to do this? Oh, let me have my fun, Shay.
MONTY: So great to have so many members of our diverse community, communities.
Proud of our new recruits, Siouxsie and Shay.
Now, most of you know Dwayne Hospard.
We're lucky to have him here to give us a hand today.
He is a testament to hard work and community spirit.
OK, team, well, we will get straight into it.
We'll start with a warm-up, and then we'll partner off and we'll get going.
So just follow me.
Let's get ready to work.
So, come on.
Did you see the bicep when he waved? I bet he loves himself.
It's not his personality I'm interested in.
So now you're just objectifying the guy? You should try it.
It's fun.
What's happening here? Just a tiny little Volunteer Fire Brigade boot camp.
A nice walk, you said.
A little stroll, you said.
So I played with the truth a little.
I'm not doing this.
You've already tried to kill me once today.
Uh-uh, if you do this, I will sign your police fitness form, OK? And that'll be the end of it.
Until next year.
As I've said, I'm your superior.
Yep, and you need a colleague to sign this, and I am your only colleague.
So unless you want someone from the Stafford Police Force tracking your fitness? Alright, everyone.
Yep, go.
- Hey, girls.
- Hi, again, Dwayne.
So are you two partners? No, we're not.
I like men.
Partners for the drill.
Right, yeah.
For the drills, we are together.
Uhm, but if you don't have a partner, Shay can find someone else, and you and I can get together.
Yeah, thanks.
I'm kind of running things, so I'll just OK.
As you were, then.
OK, everybody, and we'll just get back to a couple of stretches.
- You're disgusting.
- Oh, I'm just getting started.
DWAYNE: The basic hose carry.
The object is to take the hose from point A to point B without it getting tangled, and then roll it back up again.
A tangled and out-of-control hose is a firefighter's worst enemy.
- [GIGGLES.]
- On my whistle.
- [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
- [CHEERING.]
On you go.
Go.
Go, go, go! [YELPS.]
Go, go! Yes, Siouxsie! Stand on it, Tom! Stand on it! And we have our winners, Siouxsie and Shay! Drill two, the dummy drag.
Each partner has to drag the other 15 metres.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Just give me your weight.
This isn't so bad.
Ah ow! Might as well give me the bloody [GRUNTS.]
Alright, you girls are naturals! Nice.
Alright, everybody.
Take a breather.
Stay hydrated.
Glad to see you guys doing so well.
Yeah, this is actually pretty fun.
Yeah, well, if you wouldn't mind dialling it back a little bit.
Which part? The bit where you guys always win.
I didn't think it was a competition.
It's not about me.
I'm fine.
We're all a team here.
- Oh, for God's sake, Bill! - What?! You've gotta be in charge of your apparatus at all times.
OK, everybody, now pay attention if you want to see me pulling my one out.
Now there's an offer.
HANNAH: You two are disgraceful.
Us two? It's not me, it's her.
Me? Come on! Hey, can I sit here? Yeah, of course.
I feel like I haven't seen you much since I got back.
Yeah, no.
No.
Heard a rumour you ended up in Dad's wedding cake, after we'd gone.
Yep.
That was pretty embarrassing.
I, um I fell.
Clumsy.
Right.
Kind of wish I'd seen that.
I am really glad that you didn't.
[LAUGHS.]
Afternoon, class.
Someone told me this morning this wasn't newsworthy.
But it is.
My daughter appears to have joined the fire brigade.
Yeah, don't ask.
I'm very impressed.
OK, I'd better get back to it.
Make sure the fridge is full because when I finish this workout, I am going to need all the food.
Oh, look, uh, yeah, tomorrow night might be better.
- What? - Well, I just, um, - you know - How come? I-I just want some alone time.
Yeah.
So tomorrow.
It's nearly $1,000 for the first consult.
Then it's three grand a cycle.
And even if it happened the first time Wow, yeah, that's And when I asked the bank manager for a loan and explained what it was for - You told them what it was for? - Well, you have to be honest.
He said I should just go to Night Moves for happy hour and get some for free.
The cheek of it! Oh! As if you'd breed with anyone who goes to happy hour at Night Moves.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, I've always been action woman.
Go-getter.
Think this baby is just one thing I can't go get.
There's gotta be a way.
You'd be an amazing mother.
You'd organise the crap out of that baby.
It'll happen, Fi.
Yeah, that's what George said.
You talked about it with George? Oh, you know, just public knowledge, isn't it? Fiona and her biological clock deafening all of Weld with its ticking.
At least we're still friends.
Course we are.
How did we ever let a guy come between us? What? There's no one here.
There is, actually.
- Hey, Dad.
- Oh.
Hey, George.
We were just going to do some homework.
Just gonna help Lindsay with her homework.
Right.
What about tonight? Are you staying here, or are you staying at Big Mac's? - I hadn't thought about it.
- Not Grandpa's.
He's in Auckland on business, and Dad is there walking around in his undies.
He says it opens his pores after working in the septic tanks.
Oh, definitely here, then.
What is for dinner? Is that home-made pasta? It's a bit fiddly, but I'm attempting tortellini.
- But the thing is - Dad's home-made pasta is the best.
It is sublime.
Do you want a hand? - I'm only making enough for two.
- What? I could make some extra, and you could have it tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
Even my eyelashes are sweating.
But God it was worth it.
Hey, Shay, remember what I said about tonight not being a good night to visit? Yum! Don't touch a thing.
- Have an apple.
- An apple? After what I've been through today? And after what we're gonna do all over again tomorrow.
Let's not do tomorrow.
It's not worth it.
Just put it back! - What's up with you? - OK, listen.
Given that I've invited someone for dinner, I would really appreciate it if none of you were here.
Oh, right.
Roger that, Mr T.
We might need some money for takeaways.
Lindsay.
You can't really ask my dad for money Why are you giving us money? Because he wants to do you-know-what with Katie.
Ah, yes.
Dark clouds of romance gather in the humid sky.
Sex is a beautiful thing.
No judgement here.
SHAY: Really keen to leave right now.
Yep, same.
- Fish and chips at our place? - Sweet as.
Well, good luck.
The pasta, I mean.
- And the you-know-what.
- Lindsay! And then he took his singlet off.
Oh, God.
The V on him.
Men don't have a V.
Yeah, the hot ones do.
It's the inguinal canal.
It starts here, and it goes down there.
You saw it, right, Shay? I may have noticed it.
And then he was sweating, but not like a pig.
Like, just lightly, delicately.
Like I imagine the touch of his fingertips would be.
OK.
It's just girl talk, Arlo.
Can we not? OK, change the subject.
I wonder how your dad's getting on.
Oh, God.
You don't need to be so creeped out by it.
How do you think you were made? I just want to eat my pineapple fritter, please.
Do you think you were delivered in the night by a flamingo? A stork.
[LAUGHTER.]
Whatever, those big birds with the beaks.
Same diff, FYI.
Not really, FYI.
Maybe you should go back to perving at your fireman.
It's tragic.
So, um how's Poppy? She's alright.
Uh, do we want to watch a movie or something? I don't know.
We should give Poppy a call.
See if she wants to come over and watch a movie with us.
Sure.
She's a cool chick.
Yeah, so Do you think Dwayne has ever eaten a carb? Not in his recent lifetime, no.
Oh, and when the day is done I've tried, I've tried But I won't stop until I've won your love He might walk, but I will run It's my time, it's my time But I won't stop until I've won your love How can I start If with the leaves I fall? - Girl, is your heart? - [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Come in, gorgeous.
No need to knock.
Oh, "Come in, gorgeous, yourself," hey? - Woody.
G'day, mate.
- Hey.
I know I don't usually knock, but I thought it's been a while.
You might have forgotten your old mate.
- How was the trip? - Oh, awesome.
Epic.
Although the campervan was a little bit on the compact side, hey, Pops? Just a bit.
Do you have a five? Go fish.
In your face, sucker! And, you know, it was a honeymoon.
You shouldn't play board games on your honeymoon.
Trace shouldn't play board games ever.
What's going on here? - Dinner.
- Oh, yeah, I can see that.
Yeah, it turns out your wedding day was pretty good for, uh Yeah, I heard the rumour.
Got yourself lucky.
Uh, yes.
Well, I count myself lucky.
Me and Trace, we were hoping someone would get some lovin' at our wedding, and the fact that it was you, mate, awesome.
You know, when you called me 'gorgeous' just now, I thought, "That's pretty weird, but I'm not gonna get uptight about it.
" Because we're good mates.
But you weren't calling me 'gorgeous'.
No, I wasn't.
I wouldn't.
- I thought you were - Yeah, Fiona.
I mean, you guys were gonna get back together.
- Dad.
- Because Fiona, she's she's a good chick, mate.
And out of all the women in Weld, she deserves a good bloke.
And you, George Turner, good bloke, mate.
Katie.
- Hey? - I was trying to tell you.
It's Katie I'm expecting, not Fiona.
I I got together with Katie.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, she's a good sort too, mate.
And, you know, deserves all the good times as well.
Just excuse me a sec.
Gonna quickly send a, uh So I'm walking past the guy with the bucket, and I chuck a couple of dollars in, and I'm like, "This is it, this is how we do it.
" - How you do it.
- I'm I'm completely lost.
We fundraise for a baby.
- The sperm bank.
- Are you crazy? What's crazy about that? It takes a village to raise a child.
Well, it also takes a village to get one.
And this village, we can do that.
Katie, I am not going to ask people to part with their hard-earned When the cricket team needed new uniforms, who went door-to-door knocking? I'm on the team.
That's my duty.
When we couldn't afford Billy's school camp fees in Year Nine, who threw together a meat pack and raffled it off? That's different.
How many guide dog puppies do you sponsor? It was two, but one of them failed.
The gold one, Volty.
But she's a pet now.
The point is, you give and give.
I don't want people to know I've been to a sperm bank.
- They don't have to know.
- Hey! - Hi.
- Tracey! How was the honeymoon? Amazing, amazing and amazing.
- You're looking great.
- So are you! And as for you, I am so happy for you.
You and George! - Sorry? - At the wedding! It's alright, he's told Woody.
He just texted me.
- He told Woody what? - What's wrong? I mean, Woody and I picked it.
I think half of Weld was secretly hoping the two of you would get back together.
Oh, no.
We didn't get back together.
He's not He's with he's with Katie now.
Oh! But Woody said that Oh, hold on.
There's another one.
"Not Fiona, Katie.
" - It's fine.
And we're fine.
- Yeah, we're fine.
And I'm happy for them, so I am so sorry.
Oh, like, "Blah, blah, blah," and No, it's OK.
I mean, he gets around, that that George Turner.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY.]
Wine! - Definitely wine.
- Yes.
So who are all the new people? Oh, they're from the Stafford Fire Brigade.
They're doing some kind of big boot camp thing, eating us out of everything.
Oh, my God.
That's it.
The customers for the pop-up car boot sale and cake stall.
- Ooh, I love a car boot sale.
- Great! You're in.
[SIGHS.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
Hi.
Everything alright? Yes, and I know I'm stupidly late.
It's OK.
I'm so sorry, but I can't make it.
Oh.
Is that OK? You haven't gone to any big effort or anything? No.
No, not at all.
It's just I went to the boat club to talk to Fiona, and we're good.
We're fine.
Everything is out on the table.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Come in! Everything? And the thing is, now I'm home, and I'm organising a fundraiser in about eight hours.
I see.
Come to my place if you want, and bring bric-a-brac.
What-a-what? Stuff that you don't want anymore, to sell.
Oh I don't know.
Don't come.
We could catch up tomorrow? OK.
Great.
Bye.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: The more painstaking effort you've put in, the more perfection you've strived for, the more likely she won't turn up.
Maybe humans need to take a lesson from the golden eagle, they just fly at each other, connect in mid-air at 80 miles an hour and [SIGHS.]
Mmm.
Or maybe you should just chill the hell out.
You're not some spotty 14-year-old boy trying to impress the girls with a skateboard trick.
Not anymore.
I think if I ever owned bric-a-brac, it's now at the bottom of the ocean with everything else in my shipping container.
Oh, yeah, forgot about that.
Oh, we don't need bric-a-brac.
We've got the sausage sizzle, the meat raffle.
- Poppy's making lemonade.
- Why the urgency? The Stafford Fire Brigade are in town again tomorrow for the boot camp.
We figured they'll be hungry and thirsty, so may as well cash in.
Right.
What are you raising money for? I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we tell him.
It's only George.
Fiona is buying herself some little swimmers.
- Woody! - What, she is! She's going down the fertility clinic route.
A sperm donor.
But they're expensive, so Oh, right.
Um, OK.
She's OK with all this? Yeah, she was a little resistant at first, but Katie is very determined.
She really wants a baby, George, and this is how we do things in Weld.
- Katie, how's that? - Awesome.
[PHONE BEEPS.]
They're gonna donate some herbs from their farm.
Ooh, I'm definitely going to buy some of their coriander.
Look, I might head home and see what I can rustle up to help.
Oh, OK.
And we'll meet at Memorial Park at 12 o'clock tomorrow? - OK.
- OK, bye.
Bye.
Oh, it's OK, we won't look while you say goodbye to your boyfriend.
Nice work, by the way, George.
We're happy for ya.
Hey, if you guys get married, you can say you met at our shindig in your speech.
Woody, pressure! First things first, hey? Yeah.
Bye.
[INDICATOR CLICKS.]
Sorry for the late-night visit.
Is everything alright? That was what I was here to ask you.
I've just been with the fundraising committee.
They are crazy.
And loving and generous and all of that, but they're crazy.
Well, they know Katie knows how much you really want a baby.
Yeah.
It's not exactly a secret, is it? No.
And I feel really bad about you having to go down this path.
Well, I did tell you I was desperate.
Yes, so I really think we should talk about this a little bit longer.
I could I don't know, I could discuss it with Katie, and I don't I don't know what you're saying.
Well, neither do I, really.
I mean, I could I could sound her out.
I mean, this thing has only just started.
George, no.
No way.
You just said it yourself, you're just getting started.
You don't I don't want to be an obstacle to that.
You could never be an obstacle.
I just I just wish that you had told me instead of me having to read about it in your bloody column.
Oh, see, this is why my asking you was a really stupid idea.
I'm really sorry.
I just want you to be happy, George.
And Katie.
Who is my friend, and who deserves a good man.
I want you to be happy.
Thank you.
I can do this by myself.
And if a cake stall is what it takes, then cake stall it is.
Yeah, well, I guess it's a great story you can tell to your kid when he grows up.
He or she.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
Interval training is not meant to be fun.
You are not here for a tea party.
You are here to work hard.
Let's go.
Dig it in! What's going on over there? - Thank you so much.
- Don't hurt yourself.
- Hi.
- Hey.
You did all this last night? Yeah, I printed out all the little labels with the instructions.
This is amazing.
It's a bit nerdy, but it's all I had.
You are so great.
- May I? - Yeah.
You've gotta pay for it.
Are they doing it to torture us? TOM: I don't remember issuing any permits.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
OK, let's focus in, team.
We've got the 50m hose relay.
Let's go.
Smell those fried onions.
Come on, let's go! Let's go! Come on! [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Go! Come on! Push it! [PANTS.]
What are you doing? Come on! Keep going! If I have to carry a hose, it means the Fire Brigade hasn't turned up, which is their problem, not mine.
[GRUNTS.]
Oi, get back! [GRUNTS.]
- Hey, want one of these, mate? - Too right, mate! You two, Siouxsie, Shay, move it.
Come on! Faster! God.
I love it when he talks like that.
"Oh, Siouxsie.
" Very impressive.
Good stamina.
Thanks.
I'm all about the stamina.
Good professionalism there, citizen.
Oh, well, I think you're doing a fantastic job here.
Call me Hannah.
I'm the station assistant for the Weld Police Force.
- Nice.
- Yeah.
- How much? - One dollar.
Make it $10.
- Hi.
- Hey.
I'll take a couple of tickets for the meat pack.
Yes.
I'm six years Paleo, so I'd love it.
- Well, good luck, then.
- Thanks.
I can't believe I actually have to pay for it.
Yeah, five bucks.
Hand it over.
Yumbo.
This would be amazing with some vodka in it, am I right? - It is weird, right? - Mmm.
I mean, I ended up in a wedding cake because of how uptight Lindsay is about Poppy.
Oh, Arlo, innocent little brother of mine.
You have so much to learn about girls and sexual politics.
[LAUGHS.]
Or maybe Lindsay genuinely likes Poppy.
I mean, she is a nice person.
Yeah, sure.
But more likely she's keeping her enemy close, making her her new BFF, so that she can never go for her boyfriend, even if you two break up, because BFFs don't do that.
And Poppy's getting sucked into it because she's a nice person, as you say.
And you, you're just standing here watching as your manipulative girlfriend makes damn sure that you and Poppy will never, ever be together.
Selfie! What's this thing raising money for anyway? Oh, who knows? In Weld, we have fundraisers for anything.
Look.
Should we go help him? [GROANS.]
Do we have to? You don't feel like a creep yet? Need help unfurling that thing, chief? I'm not unfurling it, I'm furling it.
Or whatever the opposite of unfurling is.
I'm putting my hose away, I'm not taking it out.
Just offering our assistance, Dwayne.
I mean, if you need another pair of hands on your equipment You know what? Stop.
You two are the worst volunteers to ever volunteer.
What? We worked really hard today.
Well, there's no room for sexual harassment in any volunteer organisation.
Whoa, hold on.
If you don't want the attention, you shouldn't wear the little shorts and the skimpy singlet.
You're victim-blaming now.
So I'm not meant to wear what I feel comfortable in? Because long shorts actually chafe, girls.
[SNICKERS.]
I'm very sorry.
[GIGGLES.]
What you two did was very uncool.
- Everything alright, team? - No.
As your Stafford counterpart, Monty, I recommend that these two be banned from the VFB.
- What? - We were just teasing.
What did they do? This is unbelievably amazing.
Exhausted firefighters, delicious food, it was a no-brainer.
Excuse me, I'm going to draw the raffle in a minute.
The people of Weld are having a street party without me.
What's all this in aid of? - G'day, Dad.
Fiona.
- G'day, mate.
What's going on? It's the Weld population growth strategy.
- Hey? - It's a code.
A cake sale.
Scones, that kind of thing.
Not all the women of Weld are like that, I promise.
The VFB is a vital service.
Oh, I know.
You're very passionate about it, aren't ya? I respect the flame.
I learnt to, the hard way.
My first summer on the job.
Wow.
$989.
80.
That is incredible.
It's not bloody bad for a day's work.
Hold that thought.
I'm going to deliver this to the recipient.
Then you're gonna come straight back? Yes, I am.
I packed my toothbrush.
Great.
It's enough for the initial appointment.
What? I am so grateful.
I really am.
But I can't do this, Katie.
Fi, the money's yours.
Don't be funny about taking it.
No, it's the whole thing.
What happens in five years' time when he or she comes home from school and they want to know about Daddy? And all I've got is a first name and a bunch of statistics on a bit of paper from a fertility clinic? Isn't that what the first appointment's for? To talk all this stuff through? I don't think that I need to talk it through.
Look just take the money, and put it in a savings account I wasn't thinking straight, Katie.
It came from me asking George, and he was lovely about it, but I think that the sperm bank idea was some kind of reaction to that conversation.
What conversation? Oh, crap.
I thought that he must have told you.
I thought that was why that, you were pushing the whole fundraiser thing.
Oh, anyway, look, it's nothing.
It doesn't matter.
You can't really do that, say that it's nothing when it's clearly something.
Great.
You made it back.
No phone call to say you'd been held up or any unexpected obstacle.
What's wrong? Fiona told me what happened with you two at the wedding.
How she asked you to help her out with the whole baby question.
Yes.
She did ask that.
And then you went to see her last night.
I did.
And you didn't tell me any of it.
No.
No, I did not.
And you're not pissed off with me? You were thinking about Fiona's feelings.
You are such a lovely, good man.
Well, thanks, Ngahuia.
Keep the change.
You can add it to your fund.
No, thanks.
I don't need it.
I'm sorry, Fiona, but is an anonymous donor really the way to go? I mean, you're not that old.
It's not like you're withering up.
That's my business.
Thank you, Bill.
I mean, if you really wanted to have children, why not have them with Robbie? I mean, driving the ambulance, running the museum, sitting on the council, it's like you did everything but try to get pregnant.
Oh, for God sake, I did, alright? I did get pregnant.
I was pregnant on my wedding day.
There was apple juice in my wine glass all day.
And we didn't tell anyone because you're meant to wait till 12 weeks in case something happens.
And it did.
Oh, Fiona.
I'm so sorry.
You could have said.
At the time, you know.
You and Robbie could have said something.
I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me.
And I thought, you know, I'd get pregnant again.
That we'd get another chance.
But it just wasn't meant to be.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: Even so-called experts like Charles Darwin, after years observing creatures great and small, thought the whole subject of sex was hidden in darkness.
For all animals and humans, the process of attracting a mate can be elaborate, troublesome, and sometimes downright dangerous.
Argh.
- Morning, Dwayne.
- Constable.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Sign.
You didn't complete the boot camp.
You snuck off during interval training and bought a custard square.
Sign, and no one needs to know about your overnight guest and related blurring of professional boundaries, Station Assistant Richards.
Especially two girls who were banned from the VFB for less.
Fine.
Thank you.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: Male birds singing during breeding season have been known to drop dead from exhaustion.
I heard there's a south-west change.
You might want to cover up.
Although you are welcome to wear it later on in the bedroom.
[LAUGHS.]
Hyena society is female-dominated.
The male approaches in a submissive position, but will slink away if the female hyena isn't interested.
"The worst volunteers ever to volunteer.
" [LAUGHS.]
OK, in this moment, would you rather that cupcake, or Dwayne and his smokin' hot V? Well, I don't have to shave my legs for the cupcake.
- Cheers to that.
- Cheers.
Cupcakes, not beefcakes.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Poppy.
Hey.
Me and a couple of the girls are going to go to Stafford after school to go shopping.
Want to come? There's, like, nowhere around here to buy decent clothes, obvi.
Meet you at the bus stop at four? Actually, I'm OK, thanks.
Cheers for the offer, but I promised Tracey and Dad I'd play board games with them.
What a bitch.
Hey, you're the fireman.
Yeah, Dwayne.
- Hi.
I'm Fiona.
- Yeah, I know you.
You drive the ambo, right? - Mm-hm.
- What can I do for you? Actually, Dwayne, it's what I can do for you.
GEORGE [NARRATES.]
: But all creatures great and small would agree It's so much better when you're with somebody else.
Whatever.
I thought you were never coming back to bed.
I think I'm never leaving.
Hey, um Do you wanna get out of here? I don't wanna be that girl.
What girl? The one that goes with someone else's girlfriend.
- Weekend away? - Oh my gosh, yes.
As soon as possible.
- I've got a tent and I've got a - I'll start looking up luxury lodges - - You're talking about camping, right? What, camping in a tent? This is possibily the worst holiday I've ever had.
If you couldn't handle it - then you should've said.
- Look, I didn't wanna - come here in the first place! - You! Brilliant! New 800 Words, next Tuesday.