Archer s03e10 Episode Script

Archer, do something! Sure thing, Lana Oh wait, I can't, because I left my lightsaber in my other space-pants! Don't yell at me, this was your idea! What?! Remind me, when was it that I said "Guys, great idea! Let's get shangaied to go live on frickin Mars!" Keep moving.
Make meowwwww! - He said meow - Moving, yes, and how can I help you not ever do that again please? Get in there.
In here sounds great.
are the cuffs really necessary? Archer broke both of Wu's arms.
He what?! While shouting "woo.
" Happy coincidence.
Mr.
Archer, do I have to sedate you?! - Well, I wouldn't say no to a drink - Archer? What, you want one? - Okay, can we get two -- my tongue says sangria, but my heart says-- - Archer.
- Michelada.
- You realize this is kidnapping.
I do, yes.
And do you realize you're insane?! - Well he wouldn't, by definition-- - What's more insane? Suffering through famine, war, and disease on a dying Earth? Or creating a utopia on Mars? Using me as your, your brood sow?! No, not -- well okay yes, technically, but we searched for so long to find the perfect human female specimen! Well that's flattering.
Ish.
And with your morphology, your IQ, your medical history How'd you get my medical records?! Don't judge me on the how Until you see the why.
Oh, Kareega-san! - I nevah jooja you.
- Well your mother sure as hell does! How isn't important.
- What is important -- - Is you hired ISIS just so Lana could pump out a bunch of Martian babies?! Only if by "Martian" you mean "born on Mars," not actual alien life-forms.
Oh.
Whatever, either way, my point is this whole thing is Lana's fault -- What?! -- and since you obviously don't need any more dudes on Mars -- Archer! Lana, the penis-to-your-vagina ratio around here is creepy enough already.
- So why not let us three go, and -- - I'm afraid that's impossible -- Or just me.
-- because even if we didn't need all the manpower we can get, there's no ship to take you back to Earth.
- Yeah no, the shuttle, it's -- - It's going to push the Horizon into orbit above Mars, to serve as our base while we begin the terraforming.
Which reminds me.
Captain Kellogg, there are three women on the intrepid.
Take a boarding party, and bring them back here to join their friends.
Holy shitspace! Hey guys, we got a problem! Duh! The party's starting and this dress makes me look like a whore! Oh, you don't look like an whore An idiot, maybe.
Wh-?! Or both.
Yes, a whordiot.
Agent Kane, I -- may I call you Lana? You absolutely may not.
Fair enough, but I wish you'd reconsider.
You'd be much more comfortable in my quarters.
Ha! You'll have to sedate me.
Oh, we wouldn't do that.
We need you in peak physical condition for this great undertaking of ours.
All of you.
So wait, are we not doing drinks? Ha! I'm not helping you terraform Mars! I won't move a cup of dirt! Can we at least have beers? Then you can join the um we're calling them involuntary laborers.
" Involun -- wait, you mean slaves?! - Oh now he's indignant - Oh please, all you have to do is sit around all day getting laid! Involuntary labor is just a temporary measure! In a few generations, after the colony is established, we'll revisit the issue.
In the meantime -- You can kiss three-fifths of my ass! - Uh, Tony, we've got a problem - Ugh, what now? I'm on my way.
And the black guy's okay with this?! What! Oh for -- how was that racist?! It's just a temporary measure! I didn't say anything.
Hello, uh, miss? This is Commander Kellogg.
I need you to move the locking lever from "manual" to "auto".
"Auto," got it, moving the lever! Uh clunk.
Did that do it? - Did you move the --? - Boring conversation anyway.
What the hell are you doing? These nutsacks wanna take us to Mars to be baby-factories! - Reeally - Wh-? I can't go live on Mars! I just rented a summer house! - Reeally - No.
You just -- oh whatever, c'mon, we gotta figure a way out of this! - Or do we - Yes.
No! And why is nobody else wearing a t-shirt under their flight suit? Because this thing feels amazing.
- I know, right? Like a vagina with a zipper - Ew.
Lana, trust me, this is the only way.
Ugh, alright.
But turn around.
"Turn around.
" It's not like we haven't all seen them before.
Don't remind me.
Okay, there.
- Although, I guess it has been a long time - Meaning? Nothing, just bet you're glad we're in reduced gravity.
Well? I didn't invent the ravages of time.
Okay Ray, Cyril, get ready.
Lana pretend it's five years ago.
wish it was, so I could murder you before we ever dated.
Uh, excuse me? Could I borrow you? No, you cannot borroh oh my God! Yeah, right? Okay, what seems to be the -- Oh my eye! Somebody get his goddamn gun! - Oh for the love of-- - Oww! Dick! Gaargh! My other eye! - I'm almost certainly blind - Serves you right.
Anybody else hit? - No, I'm good.
- Yeah, me too.
That's because you hid Cyril.
Otherwise, I think that all went pretty great.
Right? Really.
Do you not? "Do you not?" Just gimme the damn -- T-shirt.
Sorry, it's been commandeered.
What the hell am I supposed to wear?! Uh maybe this will work.
Ah, I think that totally works.
Stole them from the gift shop.
If you're done being an asshole, help me strip this guy so I can -- Security breach, pod six.
We gotta move! C'mon! Lana, let's go! Wait! Lemme just get -- damn it.
Rrrrr owww! Well now they're droopier.
Aww Security breach, pod six.
No no no, now what?! Security breach, pod six.
I heard you! I don't care if you have to use a plasma torch, get this door open! Security team, this is Commander Drake! Converge on pod six! You heard him, get this door open.
Sure thing bossman.
- Oh my God, for the last time -- - We can't! Fit them off! That's what Dad said, when the bank man came out to foreclose on the farm.
And guess how that turned out.
You murdered a banker?! No, we got a loan modification.
You think a bank wants to own a failing dairy farm? With obsolete milkers? - Oh my God, speaking of - They're right! Where they've always been! Wait, can she hear us?! - Man, I hope not - Lana?! Guess not.
Will you come on?! Rrgh! Don't get me wrong, I'd still do her.
Oh please, you'd do name a noun.
No, you look! You look at these, and tell me they're not perfect! Now?! Really?! Jesus God, are you that insecure?! No! I'm not! - Because I'm -- - Readyyyyy! Uh, thoughts? Through there! Go! Uh, newp.
Aaaiiim! Why not?! It's full of, ugh, garbage an' shit! You got a better idea?! Well, we could eat a big bowl of Hepatitises A through E Or just run away.
Just because it was my idea, you -- guys?! Fiiiiire! Oh shit.
What is taking so long?! Couple things One, I didn't invent whatever this door is made of, which is apparently some alloy of adamantium and mithril! And two, not really liking your tone! You idiots! Firing an ion cannon at the future Mother of Mars? Whose idea was that?! - Dave's.
- Wh-?! Well that's great, Dave.
So tell me, if you kill her, who's going to bear our Martian children? Trish?! Ew.
Ew! Archer! Sorry, go on, Trish.
We've been locked in here ever since they you idiots took over Horizon.
- Tone - Yeah, sorry.
Butt Drake wants to use the Intrepid to push Horizon to Mars! So tell us how we can stop him! Yeah, can Cyril die after shutting down the tractor beam, or? Ugh! The Intrepid is the key to Drake's plan, and he and Kellogg are the only ones who can fly it! So why aren't you a-holes down there?! - Burn.
- Cyril! Although, good point Trish.
Okay, to the Intrepid! Let's go! Oh, and Trish? With your looks, maybe bitchy's not the way to go.
Okay, you're the prettiest! Come on! I thought I made myself very clear.
- You did, but-- - Then why! Isn't this airlock open?! Dwarven technology.
What was that?! What'd you say?! Tony, stop! See? Now we just wait for Mr.
Archer to save the day, like he always does.
I don't know about "always" but-- Are you sure they can't get in? Didn't you hear him? - He said -- - Say "dwarven technology" to me again! What the? Stop this at once! We command you! I'm sorry? Oh wait, we're sorry -- aren't you guys looking for a new Martian queen? - God damn it - Why, yes, and you're -- - Your majesty.
Your majesty, and you are just, so What's the word I'm looking for? Don't say whordiot, we hate that.
- Majestic! - Right? Now follow me, we got a big list of must-haves for the royal palace.
Uh, your wish is my command! Duh.
Seal the door behind me and prepare Horizon for launch.
Next stop, Mars! Okay, you heard him.
Uh, I heard him tell you to do it.
And I'm telling you to do it! And I'm telling you that I didn't sign up for Animal Farm in space! Wait, there's animals? Wh-? No.
Animal Farm? How do you not get that? - Cyril, I know what an animal farm is -- - Not an animal farm! -- and maybe we can, I dunno, stampede a flock of goats down - the hall - Animal Farm! Is a book! No, it isn't Lana! It's an allegorical novella! About Stalinism! By George Orwell! And spoiler alert, it sucks! Although I was talking about an actual animal farm.
So never mind.
Oh don't mind me, ma'am, just uh adjusting the climate control.
Ooh! Yes! Another palace must-have! Now, we heard some mention of babies? - Uh-huh - But just to be clear, we don't do babies? "Do" as in? "Do" as in tolerate, be around, touch, and definitely as in let them claw their monstery way out of our vagina.
Well, let's put a pin in that.
Eww! Wait, put a pin in what? What? What is wrong with you?! - And where are the other two -- - Right here, spacenuts.
Pamela, stop! Your queen commands you! Oh please, you're not fit to be queen of name a place.
Lidsville.
And Drake, you can forget all about your crazy little Martian sex-cult! It's not -- don't you people get it?! Earth is doomed! Mankind's only hope for survival is to find a new home on Mars, and I'm the only man alive who can lead us there! - I'm like, like -- - Oh, Jesus Christ - Well, - I think a more apt analogy would be Moses, but -- - Drop your weapon! Make me! No, don't make her, c'mon Pam?! - Pam, shoot.
- Mother! Malory! Pam.
- And she'll do it, too - She'll do anything to keep us from the throne which is our birthright! Ew, birth.
Alright! Wh-? No no no! What're you doing?! No, no! Even if they kill me, they can never kill our dream! - Mars -- - Hang on, sorry, one sec.
Drones? You wanna? Thank you, thank you, thanks a lot.
There is no Mars without you, Tony.
I'm sorry.
Sorry?! You're sorry?! You just singlehandedly doomed mankind! Hey, even so, black astronaut, that's still pretty huge.
It actually is.
And at least your own mother didn't just play chicken with your life! Self-burn.
Cyril! Okay, Drake.
You are going to fly us back to Earth, to stand trial for whatever, space-piracy.
No man can judge me.
- Well, you say that - Mars foreverrrrrr! Aaaaaaaaghhhh! Suppressing fiiiiiiire! I think I got 'em! Did I get 'em?! You did.
You got those two guys, who were just minding their own business Ooh! And also the one remaining person who could fly us back to Earth! A black astronaut, Cyril! That's like killing a unicorn! Aw, crapsnacks! - How could this get -- - Don't! Say it! Do not say it! Gone to outer spaaaace, to shoot that dickbag in his faaaace! Hang on, Other Barry.
This is Barry.
Hey, punkin pie! I -- whatsat? No, I'm in London, for -- whaaat? Katya, punkin, I promised I'd stop trying to kill Archer.
Yes, both Barrys promised! What? Wait, what's wrong with the sofa we already -- ooh, hey, hon? You're breaking up.
- Doo doo doo doo dooooo - Any worse.
Is what I was gonna say.
Really? Yes.
Oh my God, are you kidding me?! Brrring! Hello, is this airboats? Yeah hi, it's me, Spacebot.
What? Oh, just lifting a thousand pounds like it's an apple, no big deal Archer! Quit screwing around with the robot and shut the damn airlock already! Five more minutes! - God - What's the hurry? - We're all going to die up here anyway - We're gonna diiiiiie! We're not gonna die! Stop crying! And for what it's worth, I think you would've made a great Martian queen.
Duh! - Okay - Uh, so Trish? What.
- Still with the tone - Okay, the airlock's closed! Happy?! So, seriously? None of you guys know how to fly this thing? No! We're scientists! We never even trained on the simulator! The simulator! Guys, I can fly us home! I will fly us home! Wait, what is this?! And that?! But right now this?! - He was really good in the simulator - Yeah, right up until he crashed it! Thanks to you and your stupid fire extinguisher! - Right? - Okay, then it's settled.
So Trish, Horizon is self-sustaining, right? - Duh.
- Well then have fun.
Wait wait wait! Nevermind, I'm sure somebody's gonna feed the farm animals.
Cyril, you're in command, try not to kill us.
Everybody else, strap in.
- Reeeally - I said in! Not on! Oh.
And ew.
And -- Malory.
I'm going into stasis.
Wake me up when we're on the ground.
Preferably above seventy-second street.
What is that, who's got beer? Arrcherrr! Wh-? Come out to plaay-yaaay! Barry?! C'mon out, Archer! I'd come in, but Who built this door, space-dwarves? Okay, Barry! Forgetting, for the moment, how you found me here! You wanna finish this?! I do, yeah.
That's why I'm here.
Not for long, you're not! Where do you think you're going?! Uh, this place called to kill Barry? Are you -- every time y'all fight he beats you like the redheaded stepchild of a rented mule! No he doesn't.
yes, yes he does.
No no, wait! Look look look! Hang on! Here, look, check it out! You can wear this! - Oh my God - Right? Evil cyborg versus Spacebot.
Love it.
This is gonna be -- and I hate this word, but -- this is gonna be epic! - Hang on I'll be right -- - He can't get in here.
So the only reason to go out there, is your ego.
Not just my ego, Lana! Spacebot's ego! - And a giant ass-whippin - I can take him! Please! We just want to go home! - But, Spacebot - Jesus, think about somebody else for once in your life! And that's her saying that.
Exactly.
- Domo arigato, Archer Robot-o - Uh, Barry? Yo! Let's get it on, brotha! I, uh can't.
Get it on.
- What?! - Maybe next time, sorry.
Hey, don't do that, don't apologize I mean, if you're having a legitimate problem with your vagina that you have between your legs in lieu a penis, I completely understand and you need to deal with that.
Honestly, we can do this again.
- Grrrggrrk - Archer? Next time, Barry.
- Sterling, I know I may not say this very often -- - Or ever.
Well congratulations, you ruined it.
But I'm still very proud of you.
- Aww - Ass.
Docking coupler.
Disengaging.
Okay folks.
Next stop, planet Earth! Just try not to kill us all, Cyril! Mother, please! Don't listen to her, Cyril, you're gonna do great.
Thanks, Archer.
- And just for that - What're you doing? You'll see.
Ignition.
Noooooooooooooooooo! Ha! Now who's got a vagina problem! - Me.
- Ew.
How am I gonna get home! Fifty meters.
You're doing great, Cyril! Almost there almost there! Yeah, so lemme take this baby on in.
What're you--?! - Archer, stop it! - Lemme land it! Archer! You had like, an actual moment of self-awareness in space, so -- So I deserve to land the goddamn spaceship! Ten meters.
Sink rate, sink rate.
Uh, actually Cyril, It's all you buddy? You got it.
Item four.
Until further notice, no more health insurance claims will be accepted.
Awe, c'mon.
Well don't blame me! Yeah, Cyril crashed the damn thing.
Oh come on! Ray, what's the big deal?! You already had the chair! Hey, did I tell you guys I got a goat.