Broad City (2014) s03e10 Episode Script

1 (Abbi and Ilana) Previously on "Broad City" To the airport! (Abbi) You have a period stain.
I have weed in my vaginé.
Period pants are the ultimate decoy.
We'll have to check your luggage.
This bag is the bomb.
This is gonna have to go under the plane.
(Jared) Welcome to Birthmarc.
This is an all-expense paid trip to Israel, provided by your living ancestors, so we're seated according to match potential.
Enchanté.
Jews! Jews! Jews! Put your tray tables up and put your seat back forward And if you got something big Put it in overhead storage Life vest, seatbelt, oxygen You better help yourself before you help a friend Safety.
Yeah.
And you can't be weird today 'Cause there's too much crazy stuff in the world today Get real high 'Cause we're flying and zooming the sky Four and three and two and one-one 4,000 steps.
Oh, Winona, you gotta kick it up, girl.
I just wish I had something to talk about at my reunion, you know? Maybe I shouldn't even go.
What? No, you gotta go.
They're gonna miss you.
You need to go give them a load of Mona.
I just wish I had a Like, a talking point, you know? I need a headline.
Whoa, girl.
Boy, those pilots, they do such a good job.
- They really work hard.
- I'm telling you.
We should go check on them, see if they want a little beverage.
- I'll be right back.
- Know what I mean? Okay.
(door opening) Everything okay? Rough winds.
Looking good, girl.
Well, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, we're about to hit a rough patch.
If you move about the cabin, please proceed with caution.
(moaning) (Jared) Up next is Rachel.
Hi, I'm Rachel Hanowitz.
Uh, Rachel Hoffman already called Rachel H.
, sorry.
So you will be Rachel H-2.
I'm an event planner from Montana, decent Jewish population there, actually, but I'm looking to make it bigger.
That's what I'm talking about, huh, guys? Thank you.
(clapping) Uh, Mark? Uh, shalom, my name is Mark.
I run a booming nail art business outside Boston, and I'm proudly gay mazel But I'm looking for a nice Jewish girl to marry.
Because that's the only way I can gain access to my trust fund.
(Jared) Nice! Right on, Mark, all right.
(clapping) Uh, Abbalah? Hey.
Uh, I'm Abbi.
Just wanted to say that I was one of the few who had to check their carry-on, even though I packed really hard for a carry-on.
I practice packed a couple times.
Just felt like that was a sacrifice.
It felt a little Jewwy.
Um, Jewish-like.
Anyway, I graduated with a fine arts degree.
So now I am a celebrity trainer.
Um, Kris Kristofferson comes in, mostly core work.
It Uh, it's pretty cool.
So I'm a little bit lost and, um, yeah, I'm looking for a spiritual experience, kind find myself on this trip.
I'm sorry, Ilana, are you okay? Yeah.
I'll go next.
Okay.
Thank you, Abbi.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
(clapping) Hey, I'm Ilana, and right now, I'm just looking to sit next to Abbi.
You know, I just want to hang, get new jokes together.
Also, um, I've never been out of the country, and also Also, I'm looking to get into the Moyel Chai Club.
(Abbi laughing) Thank you.
(clapping) Okay.
Um Let's see, Rachel H-2, you went to Dartmouth, huh? Well, you know what? I think I could see a really bright future with you and David 3, who went to Cornell.
Ew, Cornell? Hey, it's still an Ivy.
(Jared) Ah, you guys sound like an old married couple already.
Next up, Lauren, you went to Brown, and Levi, you went to Tufts? I mean, Red Rover, Red Rover, let Levi come over! Let's bring it on down to Gingerville! (all laughing) I said, this is J (bleep).
Oh, cool.
Listen, we should just ask people to switch seats.
Get ya nag on! Nagga, what? Hmm? No, no.
I don't That was like Just a joke, I mean Just delete that.
Yeah, delete.
We'll both forget it.
(electronic beeping) Yo, bud.
You wanna switch seats? Sweet.
Thanks so much, my peer.
Excuse me, sir? You are sitting in the lucky seat we always upgrade to first class midflight.
Congratulations.
Come on up! Let's get you a blanket and a glass of champagne.
(whispering) Ilana! Ilana! Ilana, there's a seat! Ilana! No, no.
I'm good (clearing throat) I'm good.
Shalom.
Sir, would you like to switch seats? We did it, dude.
- Um, excuse me, sir? - Ab, Ab.
Let the guy rest in peace.
Okay.
I guess we're close enough.
Yeah.
So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.
I wasn't joking.
The Moyel Chai Club.
You know how moyels suck baby dick? Wait, wait, what's a moyel? Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.
Dude, I'm sorry, what the (bleep) is a moyel, and why are they sucking baby dick? A moyel is the Jewish dude who performs the circumcisions.
You know, like a a bris.
So they don't do it in the hospital, so these rabbis can do whatever they want.
So they take the detached baby foreskin, and they roll it around in their mouths with wine.
(retching) And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.
What the (bleep) are you talking about? Literally Judaism.
So at every bris, someone sucks a baby dick? Only the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have the baby dick sucking.
They get to have it? Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer and we get - Like a sacrament.
- What? It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, you let go of all your sins.
- It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony.
- All right.
So we're going to Israel right now, and we're supposed to be Jewish.
Anyway, Moyel Chai Club.
I want to (bleep) a dick on this flight, babe! An adult dick, obviously.
I can't believe that you want to (bleep) a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.
Something about doing it in the sky.
Ilana, look! Oh, my God, dude, this is a free movie! Maybe you are a Jew.
Look, look! His headphones! You are dark, dude.
I know.
(man in movie) He didn't get it off, man! (man in movie) He got it off! Hey, hey! (laughing) Shit, dude.
I just got my period.
Ugh.
Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons.
In my bag! Dude, what if you use my period pants? For what? I I don't know.
It just figures because I packed, like, every type of tampon I could find.
It's all in my bag, under the plane.
All right, woman up.
Wad up a bunch of toilet paper and shove it up your pussy.
Up? Between the lips and the undies.
Dude, it's the first day.
Oof, first day.
That's like putting your spoon into a molten lava cake.
It's like the first bite of a jelly doughnut.
- It's like a side of chutney.
- It's like fruit on the bottom.
That's you right now.
You ever seen that movie "The Impossible"? Where that wall of tsunami water just, like, gushes up onto the beach? Yikes.
I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad.
Oh, yeah.
I really need a (bleep) tampon.
Shit, the line for the bathroom is so long, even if I did want to stick a wad up This must be what homeless women feel like.
Dude, we're just in coach, it's not that bad.
No, no.
Like, how do they get tampons? If you get a couple bucks, do you buy food or do you buy tampons? Whoa.
Tampons should be free.
Every woman should have access to tampons, all different sizes.
And the only reason it's not that way is because the government hates women.
This is true.
Elbows in, sir.
Here's a reunion story.
Tell them your Beyoncé's fourth-weekend nanny and that she loves you.
I don't speak French.
Can I get you anything? Um Do you guys have any tampons I could (whispering) So sorry, no, we don't.
But we have soft drinks and food, for an additional charge.
- Okay.
- You know what? Let's get something to distract from all of this.
(Mona) We got a a kosher snack pack for two.
- How much is that? - $38.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
(Winona) There's a lot of good stuff in there.
It's yummy, you'll love it.
All right, elbows in now.
(Abbi) Let's get this out of the way.
I am loving your comfort despite the circumstances.
Well, I'm currently sitting in a pool of my own uterine lining, so I'm feeling pretty comfortable.
Hey, hey, hey.
You know what you need to do? You need to tell them about all that money that you gave to charity.
Then I have to tell them that I had to ask for it all back 'cause I'm addicted to online poker.
Okay, tell them about the bone marrow transplant that you gave me.
You gave me a bone marrow transplant.
Ooh, I forgot about that.
(Ilana) What? This was $38? (Abbi) Ugh, dude.
Someone on this plane has got to have a tampon.
Yeah, you're right.
- Let's do this.
- Okay.
Do you guys have a tampon? Absorbency Um, excuse me.
Do you by any chance have a tampon? Oh, my goodness, no.
I'm flattered you asked, even though many women my age do experience spotting.
Oh! I totally forgot about menopause.
Menopause isn't represented in mainstream media.
Like, no one wants to talk about it.
(Ilana) Hey! Hey, buddy.
- Could I get that pita? - This pita? - That's almost in my mouth? - Yeah.
My friend just got her period and she doesn't have any tampons and it's first-day flow.
Really heavy, and her underpants are filling and - Just take it.
- Thank you.
I do have one.
Hold on, let me get my Longchamp.
Oh, yes! Banging 'til the bells stop ringing Can you please return to your seat? - Again.
- Yes, sorry.
I was just, um, gathering materials.
Okay.
Thank you.
(sighing) (laughing) You're kidding, right? What do you mean? Oh, you're serious? I thought that these, were, like, a joke that all women shared.
I guess I'm just the monster with a humongous vagina over here.
(bleep) you, Lindsay.
Does yarmulke size have anything to do with dick si Sorry, shlong size? I think so.
Then it is way too big.
But can I borrow this yarmulke? You're probably not gonna want it back afterwards.
It's just so thick.
Oh! I'm so glad you're finally getting into it.
This is David 5, he's in his third year of orthopedic residency Wait, do you have a tampon? N-no, why Do you have any interest in meeting eligible young Jews on this trip? Yeah, that was the first thing I said, that I wanted to join the Moyel Chai Club.
And why don't you just let it happen naturally? Jews are so horny.
Horny.
Oh, my - That's offensive.
- Sorry.
Look, forgive me if I want to perpetuate the glorious bloodline of the Jewish people.
It's a noble cause.
Really? That's your thing? All right, look, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I get a commission off of every match made.
I get double if it's made before we touch the ground.
- What? - Hey, don't judge.
Look, it's one thing if you don't want to take this trip seriously, besmirch your Jewish heritage, that's between you and HaShem.
But if you get between me and my money (inhaling deeply) That I will not stand for.
This is so against the rules.
Well, I won't Tel Aviv, if you won't.
Wait a minute, you know Aviv? No, um No.
Oh.
(zipper unzips) Oh.
Holy sweet mother of Moses.
(knocking on door) Uh Coming! I gotta go, I gotta go! Uh I I would, uh Just a minute, wait a minute.
There's somebody still finishing in there.
Excuse me.
Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club! Dude, I've been waiting for the bathroom forever.
Did you get me anything? Remember, the wad up the lips? I got you something better.
What is that? It's a homemade tampon.
Because I am a woman who has access to tampons normally, I'm not gonna stick a pita up my pussy.
I get it.
Everyone is gonna be sorry they turned their backs on their sisters.
Time is of the essence.
Any second, there's gonna be an explosion and there's gonna be blood, like, everywhere.
Holy My headline.
They said "explosion".
They're clearly plotting something.
We need to call dispatch.
No, we're gonna do it.
(gasps) For my reunion.
Okay.
Let's do it.
If we don't die, it's perfect.
Okay.
- Yes! - She said yes! What? I'm buying champagne! I guess he brought that ring.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Cheers.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Ew.
(Abbi gasps) Oh, my God, Ilana, look.
Holy yas.
So warm and moist.
Ew, what, dude? That's not how to describe a tampon.
Tampons, genius! (Winona) We're gonna take 'em down.
I can get the goods if you create a diversion.
I am great at diversions.
Like, I'm really good at spilling stuff, and then people stare.
Like, it's not usually on purpose, but I think that I can swing it.
Shabbat Shalom, mother (bleep).
Yeah! Let's do this! Yes! (gasping) Oh, man.
He's a heavy sleeper.
Yeah, he's dead asleep.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(both) Let's do this! We got this.
I love you.
Okay.
I have to be honest be before we do this.
I lost 200 pounds in two years, and you never said anything.
I beat cancer, and come on, I was on "Extreme Couponing".
We never talk about me! So, yes, I love you, but I don't like you.
I'm okay with that.
Okay.
Let's do this.
Let's do it.
Hark the herald angels singing Glory to the newborn (chorus) Glory to the newborn king Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled Joyful all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies With angelic host proclaim Christ is born in Bethlehem (watch vibrating) 10,000 steps! Yes! herald angels sing Glory to the newborn king Hail the heaven born prince of peace (loud thud) Class of '96! Explain it again.
My friend was just trying to get me a tampon.
Your stories are inconsistent.
So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey.
Abbi's puking on the side of the road.
No cabs anywhere.
This is our second date, mind you.
She wouldn't call it a date, but, uh (laughing) We scheme.
We do scheme.
Your partner hasn't mentioned a tampon once.
Sir, your guess is as good as mine.
(Israeli soldier) You're on Birthmarc, yet your friend sang a Christian song to create a diversion.
Is she even Jewish? Honestly, your guess is as good as mine.
Why did you move seats to sit next to a dead man? - That's suspicious.
- What? No, no.
He He was sleeping.
You Oh, my God.
The dead guy? Yeah, fully dead.
Nobody wanted the seats and we had to sit next to each other, obviously, so Yeah, it didn't bother me at all.
You said your bag was the bomb.
It is, my bag is the bom Okay, Google "Refinery 29," in quotes, "Drew Barrymore," in quotes.
It's a life-changing bag, You were asking passengers for very strange instruments.
Twine, someone's shoelaces, heavy duty scissors.
To make a tampon.
What, do you think I was making a (bleep) bomb? Yeah! You're here for suspicion of terrorist activity.
Terrorism? I thought this was about the weed in my pussy.
What? God, there's so much turbulence, what is going on? It's the pilots giving each other head.
Air head.
That's a good one.
Seriously.
Why do you think they call it the cockpit? (moaning) (bleep) yeah.
There is just something about doing it in the sky.
So, listen, you know how I wanted to come on this trip to, like, experience some sort of spiritual epiphany? Yeah? So when the stewardess slammed me down on the ground, for a moment, I swear I had this, like, out-of-body experience where I was in heaven.
You know Jews don't have heaven.
Well, I saw Jesus.
You saw Jesus? I saw Jesus.
And he was hot and he had a man bun and he was wearing sandals, and I usually hate sandals and I loved 'em.
Dude, he's like a Jew, but he's not Jew-ish.
Really good for me.
The more you talk about it the more right it is.
You know, I really liked your intro before.
I was thinking about it, like, using this trip to find yourself and find your purpose.
And then when my face was pressed into the plush carpet of first class, I had this a-ha moment.
I, like, realized what I wanna do with my life.
Ilana, this is huge.
I want to make enough money to fly first class.
- Yeah, dude, that's it.
- Right? - Yeah, I'm in.
- No touching.
And my Birthmarc wish came true.
Now we're sitting together.
And I got to fly with my bag.
And it really is incredible.
It withstood all those bullet holes.
Yeah, Israelis, like, really love their guns.
Guns are so gross.
I'm really relieved we're going back home.
Totally.
(plane rattling) (pilot moaning) Dassit.
There's actually this restaurant on Steinway that makes falafel that I heard is even better than the real deal.
Let's just go there.
Yum.
That sounds perfect.
Ugh, I miss New York.
Wait, so Jesus is a god, right? God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.
So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.
Totally.