Call Me Fitz (2010) s03e10 Episode Script

Hey! Pay attention, fuckers I'm a councilman now! Retract that titmouse law; I've got a bar to open.
All new legislation is to be tabled on a first-come, first-served basis.
Well, how long's that gonna take? Three years, give or take.
You're the one who wanted the job, I merely got it for you.
And that's why you're fired.
To Larry, Re: Your ass.
Ass It's fired too.
Iris, you're a stripper? I will never forgive you for this.
The League of Sober Entrepreneurs lobbies government to destroy that degenerate dickhead, Richard Fitzpatrick.
What the fuck? The fuck, Mr.
Fitzpatrick, is prohibition.
Coverton is a dry town, Richard.
The Summerwind will never open.
You happy now, Larry? You've destroyed my dream and my life.
I don't need a fucking conscience, and I never will! With the mayor's life hanging by a thread, governance in Coverton falls to his deputy-mayor Richard Fitzpatrick.
God help us all.
Ring a ding ding.
I, Richard Fitzpatrick I, Richard Fitzpatrick do solemnly swear do solemnly swear Once upon a time, a handsome prince was enslaved by three trolls.
The first troll was an angry troll.
He did whatever he could to make the handsome prince miserable.
The second troll was a pushy troll.
She tried to make the handsome prince do whatever she wanted.
The third troll was a crazy troll.
Trying to drag the handsome prince down with him.
The trolls worked the prince day and night.
But they never broke his spirit, because he was so Fuckin' awesome.
Don't change the words.
So help me, God.
What she said.
You are now Acting Mayor of Coverton.
And we are screwed.
Congratulations, Mr.
Mayor.
What are you going to do now? Whatever the fuck I want.
Finally, the handsome prince escaped to his kingdom and took his rightful place as king.
And they lived happily ever after.
Ring a ding ding, baby.
Nice work, kid.
We play this right, we can milk this cash cow for a long time.
Prohibition could be the best thing that ever happened to us.
What's all this "us" bullshit? What's all this "bullshit" bullshit? You did exactly two things to help me get here: jack and shit.
You ungrateful little prick.
You wouldn't be in the fucking mayor's office if it wasn't for me.
You wouldn't be on this fucking planet! New by-law.
Ken Fitzpatrick can never get another car dealer's license No Ken Fitzpatrick can never have another business license.
Ever.
You can't do that! Just watch me.
Emergency powers, old man.
The people of Coverton have entrusted me to do a job; I intend to see it through.
Josh! This meeting's over.
What the fuck? Let's go, old man.
Get your fucking hands off me.
You think some by-law is going to stop me? I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.
Nobody tells me what to do! Watch the carpet.
Mother fucker! Let's go.
The mayor's exiting the building.
The mayor's walking down the stairs.
Richard! I've been trying to get in to speak to you all day.
Stand down, citizen.
You stand down! Richard, you'll never be a wholly realized person unless your Summerwind dream becomes a reality.
You have the power now We're still going to make it happen, right? Look around, dipshit.
I've moved on to bigger and better things.
What could be bigger and better than the lounge you've been dreaming of opening your whole life? How about world domination- Ever heard of it? You should see his evil headquarters, it's amazing.
Last week, I was a guy who'd never paid a parking ticket in his life.
This week, I'm running a police state.
I can do whatever the fuck I want.
Not if I can help it.
Josh.
New by-law.
No Larrys on city property.
Copy that, sir.
Richard, please wait You're asking for it, buddy.
Asking for what - Really, Josh? Yep! Really! A vodka soda just isn't the same without the vodka.
What are you doing? You fought for prohibition.
To get Fitz off council, cum-crust.
It wasn't a lifestyle choice.
I don't understand.
Why won't Richard just end prohibition and reopen his bar now that he has the power? The real question is: "why do you still give a shit?" Because Richard and I are a team.
No, we're more than a team, we're connected.
I'm the yin to his yang.
The chocolate to his peanut butter The ass to his hole.
I'm going to give Richard a dose of vitamin D.
That's right.
The "D" stands for dream.
Just as soon as I get back in his good books and convince him he needs me.
You'd have a better chance convincing him that he loves man meat.
Yeah, but what if What if we work together Forget it.
I have a new plan.
And in this one, there's no Larry's allowed.
Same as my vagina.
Tidy up for me, would ya? Vagina? Look it up, Larry.
What do you mean the Fire Department's out of money? Then make people pay to put out fires.
Christ, do I have to think of everything around here? Fuck.
Busy night? Nothing I can't handle.
Good.
Then handle it from home.
I need you to paint the nursery.
We have a nursery? Yes.
And apparently paint fumes are bad for the baby.
Along with sushi.
And wine.
And soft cheese.
I'll get Josh right on it.
I'm happy your dream's come true, but this baby's going to come out and when it comes out and I need you to be there.
To catch it.
When I became a lawyer I thought I'd be taking long lunches with Nigerian warlords, parasailing off the Alps, and taking my bonuses in blood diamonds Fitz, we can't solve all our problems with sex.
Maybe just one more time.
Yeah Don't answer No, don't answer it Who is this? What do you want? This better not be bullshit.
Fuck.
You're leaving? Not right now.
I made a promise to keep my constituents happy.
Yeah! Mr.
Mayor Allah does not welcome cowards.
We are desperate men.
And you go first.
Come on.
Greetings white she-devil.
And how are you today? What are you two inbreds doing here? You seem to be somewhat intelligent for a woman.
As such, we require your immediate cooperation.
What we are trying to ask is, would you mind taking a look at our books? We are spending more than we are making.
But we are not spending.
It does not make sense.
Someone is siphoning funds from your accounts.
Aladdin's carpet! Who would do such a thing? Even money their last name is Fitzpatrick.
You really should have changed the bank accounts when you bought the business.
Amateurs.
Of all their treacheries, this is their most treacherous.
What's the password? "cauterized hemorrhoid?" Hi.
What the fuck do you want? Does this come in scotch? Never took you for a drunk.
Two hundred a bottle.
It's not for me.
It's a gift for Richard.
Aww Trouble in paradise? We've drifted apart recently.
But knowing Richard's love of all things distilled, I thought this might get me a sit-down with him.
Trust me, it's going to take a lot more than a bottle of hooch to impress that fetus fajita I call a son.
Police! This better not be a bullshit call.
What the fuck? It's not my birthday.
Your jerk-off son's new uniform policy.
Hands up.
Perimeter is secure.
Why don't I get a gun? Because you're not a cop.
A little birdy told me about your bootlegging operation.
You stooley snitch.
Why don't I get shorts? Hey, Josh.
Focus! Looking good, bud.
You touchy feely man bitch.
I know this seems like a betrayal, sir.
But, it's for the greater good.
Richard needs me, but he needs to know that he needs me.
Hey, do me a favor, toots.
Arrest my old man.
Let's see your hands, please.
I will get you for that.
I never thought I'd say this, but nice job, Larry.
Maybe you aren't totally fucking useless after all.
Richard that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And since you're in a charitable mood, I would like to request a sit-down with you.
Whatever, just get the booze.
Wow.
This is amazing.
Scotch, and a Shirley Temple for the lady.
The Summerwind dream is alive and well.
You should be proud, buddy.
No thanks to you.
You want to help out around here? There are going to be rules.
One: Keep your mouth shut.
Two: Do what I say.
Three: Keep your mouth shut.
Got it, boss.
And no lectures, capiche? I worked my ass off to get here.
Well, actually it was a group- You sure did.
Which is why I deserve to have a little fun.
So buckle up.
Yeah, buckle up, Larry.
By order of the Acting Mayor, the carpet must match the drapes.
The penalty is a two hundred dollar fine, 'Cause I'm wicked hungry.
I know what you're doing.
Using trumped-up laws as an excuse to round up your enemies.
Hitler did it.
Stalin did it.
I'd do it if I had the chance.
Well, that was most amusing.
Living the dream, Larry.
Copy that, Fitz is livin' the dream.
Congrats General, you're now the proud owner of Coverton's first nuclear waste facility.
Good times.
Nuclear waste? Richard, how is nuclear waste fun? 'cause it glows in the dark, dude.
I'll make sure Richard gets this right away.
Hey Richard, here's the business license money for those hair salon slash brothels.
Put it with the others.
What's wrong, buddy? Talk to the Lar-bear.
For starters, you're breaking rules one and three.
Rules be darned, Richard.
I'm your conscience.
We share everything.
Memories.
Emotions.
French fries All this should be making you happy, but you seem miserable.
Fuck you.
I'm happy.
I'm fucking delirious.
You're good at many things Richard Fitzpatrick.
Clearly.
But pretending to be something you're not? That's not one of them.
Maybe all of this isn't your dream.
This isn't my dream? Then what the fuck is? Well I don't quite know that yet, but I do know that the anxiety you're experiencing is coming from a very deep place.
Josh, remember that by-law about no Larrys on city property? Yeah, get out here.
You can't lock away the truth, Richard.
Wanna bet? Bye, Larry! Bye, Larry! Bye, Larry! I will hunt you down wherever you hide, asshole.
Don't worry, boss, we'll get him.
Nice to see you too, darling.
No, I don't have anything better to do than to get up, cram my swollen feet into some shoes and come and get you.
Fucking Larry I'll show him who's fucking happy.
It's not like I've slept in the last three months.
I'm the king of fucking fun.
Or gone thirty minutes without peeing.
This is the dream, man.
Then you had to call me twelve times.
Everybody wants this.
I've got nothing to be anxious about.
Where's the support for Fitzy? Wah, wah, wah.
All units, we've got an APB, straight from the mayor's office.
Suspect is tall, annoying, answers to the name of fuckwad.
Fitzpatrick Motors.
I'm still only in Fitzpatrick Motors.
I'm on the run, but every time I wake up I wake up here Rations are scarce.
I'm on the verge of capture My bond with Richard broken.
Putrefied.
But I couldn't give up on him.
I knew I had to help him find what was at the heart-- Of his darkness.
That's it! Interloper! I can explain Thieves overrun our dealership like locusts, cousin.
First the she-devil, now him? Explain why you are stealing our lunches.
I think that was Josh.
Then you must be the one pilfering our toilet supplies.
I think that was Josh too.
Then maybe it is Josh's fault also that we have not turned one cent of profit in over six months? Cousin, you heard the red-haired witch.
Only a Fitzpatrick could have taken that money from our accounts.
That's right.
It could never be Josh.
Why would it be Josh? Let's start praying to Josh! You must learn to overlook small imperfections for the sake of friendship.
Because of Josh, I know Fitzpatrick will pay ten thousand dollars to whoever delivers him the gangly one.
That would help pay many of our overdue bills.
And he is ours for the taking.
I suppose this is Josh's fault, too.
You said it, not I.
Larry's vanished.
Did you check the dealership? Yeah the dealership.
You fucking idiot.
Find him and shut him up.
All I can hear is him rambling all the time.
I can't hear anything.
It's like he's in my head.
And I'm seeing babies.
Babies! Whoa, hey! Stay with me, Fitzy.
Take this, it'll fix you right up.
You feeling okay, buddy? Yeah, everything's Fitzy.
Just find him.
Find him! All right! On it.
Jeez! Y'ello.
Agent McTaggart? Sir, yes sir.
Lethal use of force has been authorized.
Terminate your target and return to base for debriefing.
Okay okay, great Who exactly is my target again? You've forgotten your target? No, no! I just want to be sure that you're who you say you are.
Agent McTaggart, the time is now.
Ruptal Jhalalawan and Ruptal Jhalalatu.
Terminate with extreme prejudice.
Buddy Yaa! Hey, does this look normal to you? Come on.
Come on, come on.
Pick up.
Pick up.
I know what you want! Fucking Josh.
How long have you been hiding there? Long enough to know that this bar, this job, this life you've finally built for yourself - It's not your dream, it's your nightmare.
You don't know anything.
Have you been having hallucinations too? How the fuck did you know about that? Because of our connection, Richard.
And a very, very lucky guess.
Bullshit.
What else do you got? Is it a coincidence that this newspaper clipping was hanging on the garage wall for 32 years? I think not, Richard.
I think not.
The happiest you've ever been is standing by your father's side the day he opened the dealership.
You need to rebuild that bond, Richard if you're ever going to find true happiness, if you're be a loving father to your own son.
That photo doesn't mean shit.
Yes, it does - yes it does! And deep down I know you want me to help you figure out what kind of shit.
Yeah, because there's nothing I love more than spending time with you.
Please, Richard The Shirley Temple on your menu.
Hiring Iris to pleasure my plumbing.
You know you care about me.
Shut your yap! I will not! And now you're getting a time-out, mister.
I present you with a summons for your arrest.
For what? I own the cops.
Well, a little birdie told the police about your abuse of office.
And the bribes.
And the 23 years of unpaid parking tickets.
My old man was right about one thing - You are a fucking turncoat! A turncoat who is saving you from your nightmare and finally giving you what you've wanted.
A way to be happy, Richard! Get your fucking hands of me! I'm the mayor! Not anymore.
I'll get you.
If you think prison is going to break Richard Fitzpatrick, you're dead wrong.
This won't break me! Nothing can break me! Is that a fact? Welcome to my world, fucker.
Fuck.