Childrens Hospital (2010) s03e10 Episode Script
Munch by Proxy
Previously on Childrens Hospital Excuse me? Oh, my God.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Wow, so many questions.
Attention, hospital staff: Backwards day does not apply to appendectomies.
What do we got? Oh.
Newborn.
Has a wound that won't heal -- left side above the first rib.
Owen? What are you doing here? I work here, Kelly.
What are you doing here? God, not the whole "I'm a doctor" routine again.
You're just not smart enough to be a doctor.
I am a doctor, okay? And I said I would fix our baby's wounds at home.
I'm sorry, did you just say "our baby"? Everyone, this is my secret wife, Kelly.
We've been married two years, and she doesn't believe I'm a doctor.
You mean a veterinarian or a massage therapist, right? Those aren't doctors, honey.
Let's not do this in front of my friends, honey.
Oh, wow! Owen has a secret wife and baby? How do we not know this? I guess it's true what they say: "Can't live with them," "can't tell anyone about them.
" Okay.
That -- that's pretty funny, Chet, but, uh, why don't you leave the joking around to the professionals? Clowns.
Me, to be specific.
I should have brought her in a lot sooner, but I just couldn't.
Because retarded people can't be doctors! How long has this been going on? It came out of nowhere right after she was born.
It's been getting bigger every day.
You've been getting bigger every day.
I mean, aren't you supposed to lose weight after you give birth? - I eat very healthily.
- She's a vegetarian.
- Meat is murder.
- Beef: it's what's for dinner.
- Animals are not ours to eat.
- Eat meat, repeat.
God only created a few perfect heads.
The rest he covered with hair.
That's how it's done, paramedic.
Boom! Kulap, round up my team.
Meet me in the conference room.
I'm gonna prove to you that I'm a doctor.
Oh, kulap! Hey, I know it's last minute, but I need a date to a wedding this weekend because the person I thought I was going with can't make it all of a sudden, because he has a secret wife.
But, Chief, you know I'm not a lesbian, right? Oh, yeah.
Me either.
- No, it's just a friends thing.
- But we're not friends.
- Hey, Chief! - Aah! Chet! Oh, you scared me! You know, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying as I was crouching creepily behind this cart, and I'd like to take this opportunity to invite myself to the wedding you're going to.
- Oh, I don't -- - Now, you can't say "no" because I know you've asked everybody, and you're in a real jam and you're afraid of offending me And I might also be dangerous.
Ha-eugh! Thanks so much for giving me this scan, Cat.
This headache just won't go away.
Are you experiencing any other symptoms? Is this something? Hmm.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Could be, but let me go check the results of this scan by Cat, and you know what? Yeah, keep an eye on that.
- Keep an eye on it.
- Good.
Okay.
I got you.
All right, team, I've asked you all to join me here to help me prove to my a-hole wife that I am a real doctor and, by extension, save the life of my newborn daughter, blah, blah, blah.
Go! Could be Bodow Syndrome.
Bodow Syndrome: The mysterious condition of having a wound that won't heal -- That's a possibility.
Blake, would you like to join this discussion, or are you just gonna sit there and try to think up jokes because you heard a paramedic make one and you're jealous? Um What do you call a wound on a cow that won't heal? - I don't know.
- A moo-o-o-o-o-nd.
Hit me.
This headache just won't go away.
Just keep an eye on it.
Scan by Cat.
Waiting for something? Um Yeah, I'm actually waiting for the results of my Cat scan to see if I have a brain tumor.
That's hilarious.
- What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant to say, "That's a coincidence.
" - My name is Death.
- Death? Oh, crap! You're married?! I had to keep it a secret.
I did it for you.
Now you know why I can't go to that wedding.
Why didn't you tell me?! Why?! You ruined my life! I gave you everything, you animal! Stop it! Stop it! Why didn't you -- Oh, you know I can't stay mad at you, baby.
I can't fight the power of that pale, pale, hairless, albino skin.
Oh, but, baby, now I'm stuck going to the wedding with Chet.
Chet.
- Okay, listen to me.
- What? - You get rid of Chet.
- Okay.
I'll think of something to tell Kelly, and we are going to this special Special wedding together.
Okay.
Bye, baby.
- Aah! - Aah! Oh! Oh, my goodness! Oh! I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Really?! I just wanted to come in here and take a look at those eyes That's okay.
So I can match my rose corsage to them.
Diarrhea brown.
Diarrhea brown.
So perfect, just like you.
Yeah, baby, what you need? Wha?! I'm gonna go get a tattoo, okay? Ecstasy? Oh, whatever.
Owen, you've been trying to get out of going to this soccer recital for weeks now.
We are on the committee for carrying the water coolers.
What's really going on? I'm a board-certified pediatric surgeon.
You mean a supermarket bagger? I have to work, and that's the end of it.
Wait a second.
- Are you having an affair? - What? "Also ecstasy"? Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! So, if I win, my tumor goes away and I get to live? Right.
And if I win, you come with me.
I haven't even lived.
I mean, I haven't done anything on my bucket list.
What do you wish you had done that you never thought you had time for? I'd probably go to Dubai or Branson.
I hear Yakov Smirnoff has five new jokes.
Did a toxicology scan on the infant.
Haven't seen a wound that dirty since I delivered that homeless woman's baby.
Ho! Going blue here, people.
Try and keep up.
We don't have much time.
If gangrene sets in, we're too late.
Gangrene? Better than Gang Mexican.
Is that racist? Tell me the truth.
We need to start the baby on an I.
V.
right away.
Kelly's been sedated, so she can't breast-feed.
Sedated? Well, let's all breast-feed.
Would that be rape? Seriously, tell me.
I don't know.
Blake, do you have anything significant to add here?! Hey, I'm working out some material, man.
What's eating you? What did you just say? - What's eating you? - Say that again.
- What's eating you? - One more time, please? - What's eating you? - Like Ronald Reagan.
Well, what's eating you? Like a question on "Jeopardy!" What is "What's eating you?" - In a racist Chinese accent.
- Oh, what's a-eating a-you?! - Like a sexy young schoolgirl.
- What's eating you? - One more time, regular.
- What's eating you? What's up with him? That's odd.
The wound has shrunken significantly since the mother was sedated.
Is it connected? Maybe she's a witch.
Very close.
Switch the "w" for a "b" and add "class 'a' murdering" to it.
Yup.
Baby breath.
My wife has been eating our child.
Classic Munchausen-by-Proxy Syndrome.
Uh, more like Munch-by-Proxy Syndrome.
Seriously, how's that not funny?! A mother suffering from acute postpartum depression will cause an illness in a child in order to gain back some of the attention that she lost to the newborn.
In this case, she was eating our baby.
Very typical in about 0% of such cases.
Treat it for tetanus and redress the wound.
Please call the police and a good divorce lawyer.
Which one? Let's go with Andy this time.
- Andy? - The Jewish one? - You move first.
- Okay.
Pawn to King four.
Interesting.
You know, you're very attractive for a life-haver.
Hm.
Bishop to Queen's Bishop four.
Adorable.
Perhaps when I beat you, we might work out another, more sex-filled arrangement.
- Checkmate.
- What the hell?! I can't believe you fell for the four-move checkmate.
Four-move checkmate?! Oh, man! I thought you played this game a lot.
I literally have played chess with everyone that's ever died for millennia! So I get to live? I need some coffee.
Val! The results of your "me" scan are in.
- You're all clear.
- I know! - How? - A friend told me.
He was sitting right there.
I'm over here.
- Sorry.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
So, listen.
Have you seen my also ecstasy? - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
So it looks like I won't have any time to go to that wedding now that I'm a single parent and all.
This is just one of those classic scheduling snafus.
Wait, what wedding? Oh, right.
Oh, I'm not going to that.
Unh-unh.
No, I barely know those people.
Good to see you! Yeah, I'll see you.
Well I guess all's well that ends well.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't -- I didn't mean that as a joke.
I just meant that as a general comment to wrap things up.
Wait, how was that funny? Look, I don't have time for this, okay? I have a pharyngectomy in ten minutes.
You think that a pharyngectomy is funny? I have to remove a person's entire throat.
Due to cancer.
And she's a little girl.
I'm removing a little girl's throat because it is ravaged with cancer.
Wow, I need to write this stuff down.
Attention, hospital staff.
I'd like some feedback on my voice over demo reel.
Here's a sample.
Attensyion, staff
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Wow, so many questions.
Attention, hospital staff: Backwards day does not apply to appendectomies.
What do we got? Oh.
Newborn.
Has a wound that won't heal -- left side above the first rib.
Owen? What are you doing here? I work here, Kelly.
What are you doing here? God, not the whole "I'm a doctor" routine again.
You're just not smart enough to be a doctor.
I am a doctor, okay? And I said I would fix our baby's wounds at home.
I'm sorry, did you just say "our baby"? Everyone, this is my secret wife, Kelly.
We've been married two years, and she doesn't believe I'm a doctor.
You mean a veterinarian or a massage therapist, right? Those aren't doctors, honey.
Let's not do this in front of my friends, honey.
Oh, wow! Owen has a secret wife and baby? How do we not know this? I guess it's true what they say: "Can't live with them," "can't tell anyone about them.
" Okay.
That -- that's pretty funny, Chet, but, uh, why don't you leave the joking around to the professionals? Clowns.
Me, to be specific.
I should have brought her in a lot sooner, but I just couldn't.
Because retarded people can't be doctors! How long has this been going on? It came out of nowhere right after she was born.
It's been getting bigger every day.
You've been getting bigger every day.
I mean, aren't you supposed to lose weight after you give birth? - I eat very healthily.
- She's a vegetarian.
- Meat is murder.
- Beef: it's what's for dinner.
- Animals are not ours to eat.
- Eat meat, repeat.
God only created a few perfect heads.
The rest he covered with hair.
That's how it's done, paramedic.
Boom! Kulap, round up my team.
Meet me in the conference room.
I'm gonna prove to you that I'm a doctor.
Oh, kulap! Hey, I know it's last minute, but I need a date to a wedding this weekend because the person I thought I was going with can't make it all of a sudden, because he has a secret wife.
But, Chief, you know I'm not a lesbian, right? Oh, yeah.
Me either.
- No, it's just a friends thing.
- But we're not friends.
- Hey, Chief! - Aah! Chet! Oh, you scared me! You know, I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying as I was crouching creepily behind this cart, and I'd like to take this opportunity to invite myself to the wedding you're going to.
- Oh, I don't -- - Now, you can't say "no" because I know you've asked everybody, and you're in a real jam and you're afraid of offending me And I might also be dangerous.
Ha-eugh! Thanks so much for giving me this scan, Cat.
This headache just won't go away.
Are you experiencing any other symptoms? Is this something? Hmm.
Let me see.
Hmm.
Could be, but let me go check the results of this scan by Cat, and you know what? Yeah, keep an eye on that.
- Keep an eye on it.
- Good.
Okay.
I got you.
All right, team, I've asked you all to join me here to help me prove to my a-hole wife that I am a real doctor and, by extension, save the life of my newborn daughter, blah, blah, blah.
Go! Could be Bodow Syndrome.
Bodow Syndrome: The mysterious condition of having a wound that won't heal -- That's a possibility.
Blake, would you like to join this discussion, or are you just gonna sit there and try to think up jokes because you heard a paramedic make one and you're jealous? Um What do you call a wound on a cow that won't heal? - I don't know.
- A moo-o-o-o-o-nd.
Hit me.
This headache just won't go away.
Just keep an eye on it.
Scan by Cat.
Waiting for something? Um Yeah, I'm actually waiting for the results of my Cat scan to see if I have a brain tumor.
That's hilarious.
- What? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant to say, "That's a coincidence.
" - My name is Death.
- Death? Oh, crap! You're married?! I had to keep it a secret.
I did it for you.
Now you know why I can't go to that wedding.
Why didn't you tell me?! Why?! You ruined my life! I gave you everything, you animal! Stop it! Stop it! Why didn't you -- Oh, you know I can't stay mad at you, baby.
I can't fight the power of that pale, pale, hairless, albino skin.
Oh, but, baby, now I'm stuck going to the wedding with Chet.
Chet.
- Okay, listen to me.
- What? - You get rid of Chet.
- Okay.
I'll think of something to tell Kelly, and we are going to this special Special wedding together.
Okay.
Bye, baby.
- Aah! - Aah! Oh! Oh, my goodness! Oh! I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to scare you.
Really?! I just wanted to come in here and take a look at those eyes That's okay.
So I can match my rose corsage to them.
Diarrhea brown.
Diarrhea brown.
So perfect, just like you.
Yeah, baby, what you need? Wha?! I'm gonna go get a tattoo, okay? Ecstasy? Oh, whatever.
Owen, you've been trying to get out of going to this soccer recital for weeks now.
We are on the committee for carrying the water coolers.
What's really going on? I'm a board-certified pediatric surgeon.
You mean a supermarket bagger? I have to work, and that's the end of it.
Wait a second.
- Are you having an affair? - What? "Also ecstasy"? Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh! So, if I win, my tumor goes away and I get to live? Right.
And if I win, you come with me.
I haven't even lived.
I mean, I haven't done anything on my bucket list.
What do you wish you had done that you never thought you had time for? I'd probably go to Dubai or Branson.
I hear Yakov Smirnoff has five new jokes.
Did a toxicology scan on the infant.
Haven't seen a wound that dirty since I delivered that homeless woman's baby.
Ho! Going blue here, people.
Try and keep up.
We don't have much time.
If gangrene sets in, we're too late.
Gangrene? Better than Gang Mexican.
Is that racist? Tell me the truth.
We need to start the baby on an I.
V.
right away.
Kelly's been sedated, so she can't breast-feed.
Sedated? Well, let's all breast-feed.
Would that be rape? Seriously, tell me.
I don't know.
Blake, do you have anything significant to add here?! Hey, I'm working out some material, man.
What's eating you? What did you just say? - What's eating you? - Say that again.
- What's eating you? - One more time, please? - What's eating you? - Like Ronald Reagan.
Well, what's eating you? Like a question on "Jeopardy!" What is "What's eating you?" - In a racist Chinese accent.
- Oh, what's a-eating a-you?! - Like a sexy young schoolgirl.
- What's eating you? - One more time, regular.
- What's eating you? What's up with him? That's odd.
The wound has shrunken significantly since the mother was sedated.
Is it connected? Maybe she's a witch.
Very close.
Switch the "w" for a "b" and add "class 'a' murdering" to it.
Yup.
Baby breath.
My wife has been eating our child.
Classic Munchausen-by-Proxy Syndrome.
Uh, more like Munch-by-Proxy Syndrome.
Seriously, how's that not funny?! A mother suffering from acute postpartum depression will cause an illness in a child in order to gain back some of the attention that she lost to the newborn.
In this case, she was eating our baby.
Very typical in about 0% of such cases.
Treat it for tetanus and redress the wound.
Please call the police and a good divorce lawyer.
Which one? Let's go with Andy this time.
- Andy? - The Jewish one? - You move first.
- Okay.
Pawn to King four.
Interesting.
You know, you're very attractive for a life-haver.
Hm.
Bishop to Queen's Bishop four.
Adorable.
Perhaps when I beat you, we might work out another, more sex-filled arrangement.
- Checkmate.
- What the hell?! I can't believe you fell for the four-move checkmate.
Four-move checkmate?! Oh, man! I thought you played this game a lot.
I literally have played chess with everyone that's ever died for millennia! So I get to live? I need some coffee.
Val! The results of your "me" scan are in.
- You're all clear.
- I know! - How? - A friend told me.
He was sitting right there.
I'm over here.
- Sorry.
Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
So, listen.
Have you seen my also ecstasy? - Hey.
- Oh, hey.
So it looks like I won't have any time to go to that wedding now that I'm a single parent and all.
This is just one of those classic scheduling snafus.
Wait, what wedding? Oh, right.
Oh, I'm not going to that.
Unh-unh.
No, I barely know those people.
Good to see you! Yeah, I'll see you.
Well I guess all's well that ends well.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't -- I didn't mean that as a joke.
I just meant that as a general comment to wrap things up.
Wait, how was that funny? Look, I don't have time for this, okay? I have a pharyngectomy in ten minutes.
You think that a pharyngectomy is funny? I have to remove a person's entire throat.
Due to cancer.
And she's a little girl.
I'm removing a little girl's throat because it is ravaged with cancer.
Wow, I need to write this stuff down.
Attention, hospital staff.
I'd like some feedback on my voice over demo reel.
Here's a sample.
Attensyion, staff