Comic Book Men s03e10 Episode Script

You know what I was thinking? I want to compile the most horrific scenes in comic book history, the ones that just hit you right here when you read it.
What's your gut punch? - Green Lantern 53.
- Oh.
Woman in a refrigerator.
- Major Force.
- Bad guy, Major Force.
Bad guy, folded up his girlfriend, tortured her and killed her, and then stuffed her in a refrigerator.
Can you top that? Can you top that brutality? There's a lot of stuff from the Watchmen.
Uh, you know - Dr.
Manhattan's penis, maybe.
- What? What are you talking about? You know, big, blue, glowing guy.
- Yes.
- But they go to a panel, he's not wearing any pants.
You see everything, full frontal.
What about that? That was pretty horrific.
Mike brings me, "woman folded up in a refrigerator," you seen a blue [Bleep.]
.
Come on! Can you imagine if somebody comes to the counter? They're, like, "sir, um" "I'm looking for a few panels of of horrific atrocities.
" "Let me tell you something.
Have you heard of the blue [Bleep.]
?" Hello, and welcome to another episode of Comic Book Men, the only show that prefers the negative zone to the erogenous zone.
I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Walt, what has come through the door this week? - Whoa.
- How you guys doing today? - What's up? - This is the screen-used Rick Moranis pith helmet from Spaceballs.
- Ah.
- The movie? Yes.
When he orders his troopers to comb the desert, this is what he's wearing.
Rick Moranis has touched it and worn it? Yes.
And how do we verify that? Well, I won it in a poker game from the guy who won it in the auction.
Oh, verified then.
Won it in a poker game.
You got any paperwork for this? Uh, the guy I won it from has the paperwork.
I can get it for you if you need it.
I don't remember this one, do you? I've seen Spaceballs like ten times.
I don't I don't really remember this helmet, though.
What? You've seen Spaceballs ten times? I've seen it like ten times, yeah.
- How did you miss that scene? - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, seriously? - Oh, my Lord.
- Do you remember it? - Of course.
All right, well, talk to the expert here then.
There must have been, like, what, like, a three-second scene or something.
It wasn't a three-second scene.
It was, like, a five-minute scene.
I mean, it must have been so funny that I was I was laughing so hard that I I couldn't even look at the screen then.
Oh, you can't don't don't sell out on Spaceballs.
When you were a little boy, it made you happy and smile in your heart and stuff.
- It did.
- And now you're, like, around these tough kids, "I don't like Spaceballs.
" Now as a guy who's seen this ten times, I can only imagine you're frothing at the mouth to put this on.
- Can I? - Sure.
- Just like this? - There.
Imagine this is in the bushes.
Popping up? You would get tased so quick, man.
Oh, yet it felt comfortable.
What are you looking to get for it? The last helmet that came up on auction went for $10,000 in 2006.
I figure $6,000 for me leaves plenty of room for the stash to make some cash.
You're a bit of a poker player, right? I've played a few hands.
- Why don't we play for it? - Mm.
What are the odds? Whoever draws the highest card.
You draw the higher card, we give you what you're looking for.
We draw the higher card, we win we get it for free.
No.
- What's up, Mr.
High Stakes? - Oh, yeah.
Huh? Give me a little bit more edge, and we might we might pull pull high card for it, but it ain't It ain't 0 or 6,000, that's for sure.
Oh, I like that.
- I like that, though.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to pass on it.
All right, man.
Well, thanks a lot.
- All right.
- All right.
- Appreciate seeing it, though.
- Good luck moving it.
Yeah, thank you so much for bringing it in.
No problem, man.
No problem.
Take it easy.
How about Batwing? How many we got over there? - Uh, zero.
- Let's bump that up then.
Green Arrow? Six.
All right.
- Hello there.
- Hi.
I'm looking for a Mego figure.
- A Mego figure, okay.
- Of Uhura.
- Lieutenant Uhura? - Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Are you Nichelle Nichols? - Yes.
- I am a huge fan.
- Oh, thank you very much.
My name is Michael.
Walt, this lady played Lieutenant Uhura on Star Trek.
Get out of here.
- You played Uhura on TV? - Of course.
That's why I want the figure.
Everybody's got one except me.
Oh, get out of here, man! Nichelle Nichols? The very first woman of space.
- She was looking for her Mego? - She was looking for her Mego.
Mike being the resident trekkie of the group, man, a member of the original Trek Bridge in the store, you must've been going crazy.
I was geeking out all over the place.
Just, kind of, phasers on "fun.
" You should have a case of these.
- I should.
- Yeah.
But oddly enough, I don't.
Oh, cheap bastards at Mego.
I'm telling you.
Pardon my French.
I imagine that you want one that looks just like it looked in the '70s, - Just as you purchased it - Right off the rack.
Was it that far ago? Uh, you know you look fantastic.
I mean, you know, what is time? - And we'll give you the best.
- All right.
- I mean, mint on card.
- All right.
We'll get you the best one we can find.
How soon? Um I'm only gonna be in town for a couple more hours.
You think you can get it before then? - A couple more hours? - Yeah.
Um Yeah.
I think we could definitely find one, right? - Okay.
- You want to pop back in and - Very good.
- We'll get this done for you.
- All right, okay.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Don't forget.
- I'm not we're - Forget? - We're on it right now.
We won't forget.
This is a mission from the stars.
A 1974 Lieutenant Uhura Mego mint on card? Two hours? - That's crazy.
- I am not disappointing a Lieutenant in the starfleet command.
I want you to tweet it, Facebook it, text.
I don't care what you got to do.
Find one.
Mike, call Marco.
- I'm gonna call Rob Bruce.
- Okay.
Let's blanket this town, man.
If we're going down, I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm looking for X-Men 101.
- First Phoenix, right? - Mm-hmm.
There she is.
I'm calling about your Mego collection.
Lieutenant Uhura is gonna be back here in 45 minutes.
Let's go! - Thanks, guys.
- Thank you.
- How you doing? - Hi.
I'm looking for a specific comic today.
- All right.
- X-Men 101, from 1976.
- First Phoenix, right? - Mm-hmm.
Can you grab that for me, Mike? - I will.
- So, big Jean Grey fan? - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah? Definitely my favorite book and my favorite character.
- Oh, there she is.
- Ah! Why Jean Grey? Well, she was, like, the original X-Men girl.
She was the first part of the team, and when I was a kid, I was dyslexic.
So comics kind of got me into reading more because of the pictures.
So I've been reading it pretty much my whole life.
Check out her tattoo.
- I'm a superfan.
- Oh, yeah.
- Phoenix tattoo, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Definitely my all-time favorite superhero.
You were in love with Jean Grey, right? She was an important character to me, yeah.
She was uh, I felt just admit it! This is the one you cried about, right? No, that was 137, the death of Jean Grey.
I thought you cried over every book she was ever in.
It was devastating to me.
I was in the middle of a comic book store, standing by a squeaky rack, and one tear rolled down my face.
- No! - I was, like, 12 years old.
No! That's comics, man.
That dude, he's righteous in his love of comics.
Is that is that what we're calling it? God, I've I've heard this story before, but I always thought you were, like, at least alone in your bedroom.
You were out in public! - What do you think? - I love it.
How much are you selling it for? What are we looking to get for this, Mike? Would you be able to do 90 on it? Couldn't do 90.
I could sell that at 150, easy.
Uhyou can't do any lower on it? Um, I'll knock 10 bucks off.
I'm happy with 140.
There you go.
- Thank you! - All right, thanks.
Enjoy it, as much as I did.
Hey, how you doing? I'm calling about your Mego collection.
I'm looking for a mint on card Star Trek Uhura figure.
Time crunch, two hours.
No, I can't use it loose.
I need it mint on card.
Do you know anybody who might have one? - Tell me something good, Ming.
- Yeah.
I-I thought I thought I found one in Trenton.
Nothing.
All right, Ming.
Come on, man.
Move on to the next one.
Stop with the convo.
- I'm trying.
- All right, keep trying.
I'm trying.
I'm on it.
We are given an impossible task.
Two hours to find a mint on card Mego doll is a Kobayashi Maru.
The kobayashi maru, Walt, is the unwinnable situation.
It's what every captain has to face in starfleet.
Oh, this is a Star Trek reference? - Yes.
- Oh, okay.
Oh, yeah.
It's the no-win scenario, a test that you go through where you're going to die and they just test your reaction to it.
Only Captain Kirk found a way around the Kobayashi Maru.
He reprogrammed the test.
- He cheated.
- Yeah.
Aha, who cares? Yeah, an Uhura, mint on card.
No, no, no.
I need somebody local.
- I need it today.
- Come on, boys.
Lieutenant Uhura is gonna be back here in 45 minutes.
- Working on it.
- T-minus 45, let's go! I'm trying.
There is no "try.
" There is only "do.
" Wrong movie.
That's Star Wars.
[Bleep.]
you, Ming.
We're making calls.
I got Rob Bruce looking.
I got all my connections checking up, down, left, right.
I mean, we're exhausting all avenues to find this mego.
I'm looking everywhere I can.
I go online.
I look for local collectors.
I make some calls to some customers.
In all fairness, he was walking around out on broad street, just asking random people before Walt's like, "would you go online, please?" And how much did you want for it? Awesome.
Awesome.
All right, I'll be there in about 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
I found one! - What? - I found one.
There's a private seller in eatontown.
- You're sure it's a Mego? - It's a Mego.
Mego, mint on card, perfect cond he said, "perfect condition," everything.
All right, well, she's gonna be back here in a half hour, man.
You got time.
Let's go, man.
- All right.
- Go! Great job.
Good work.
Speed, Ming, speed! How you doing? I am looking to sell my pretty awesome He-Man statue.
This is an impressive-looking He-Man.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
You got my Mego yet? Just give us a few more seconds.
It'll be here.
Now the Star Trek TV show was always more philosophically bent, as you were apt to point out.
A lot of talking, not a lot of fighting.
So George Lucas sees Star Trek and he goes, "I like the 'Star.
' I don't like the 'Trek' so much.
If we're gonna go to space, let's make a war.
" So he turns Star Trek into Star Wars.
Now J.
J.
Abrams, a big fan of Star Wars as a kid, grows up to make a Star Trek movie that is less like the Star Trek TV show.
They don't really philosophize in the J.
J.
Star Trek movie.
They're just like, "Run, Spock! Things are dying!" It's very active, very action-oriented.
And based on doing that, they gave J.
J.
Abrams Star Wars.
And we used to fight about which was better, Star Trek or Star Wars.
Now they're the exact same thing, man.
Have you guys ever been able to use a catchphrase without sounding like an idiot? You mean, like, an original? No, like, "Where's the beef?" "I'll be back.
" I've used that a couple of times.
When did you use it and you thought you were cool? When, uh, when Terminator 2 was still out.
- When it was still in theaters.
- Who'd you use it on? Oh, you know, my girlfriend at the time, you know, or friends.
And they they enjoyed it? Come on.
Do you have a favorite one? Very simple, one word.
The fonz.
"'Ey.
" - Or "sit on it.
" - "Sit on it" was a good one.
I said "sit on it" once in front of my parents.
My father beat me unconscious, so I never used it again.
I went back to "hey" after that.
Do you remember what a low blow it was just to tell someone "Up your nose with a rubber hose"? Yeah, those were popularized - by Vinnie Barbarino.
- Vinnie, yep.
"Up your nose with a rubber hose.
" To think that only mere decades ago, that was the height of insult.
- How you doing? - What's going on, man? I am looking to sell my pretty awesome He-Man statue.
Damn, man, this is an impressive-looking he-man.
Everybody remembers the he-man, you know, with the with the bowl cut.
- Check this out, boy.
- This is the redesign for the 200x cartoon.
Wow.
That's much more awesome.
Were you saying was that sarcastic? Yes.
It's hard to tell with you.
- It's hard to tell with you.
- You can't tell? No.
Usually you are slobbering over anything from the '80s that comes in.
- Yeah, not yeah, not today.
- How come? It's He-Man.
You like He-Man? There's some things I like about it.
There's a lot of cool stuff - in that cartoon.
- Like what? - Skeletor.
- Okay, Skeletor was cool.
Battle Cat.
- Whatever, it wasn't that cool.
- What? Andand look at the characters' names, like, He-Man, Man-at-Arms, Ram Man.
Granted, the names were not exactly the most creative.
I have no love for he-man.
I just it's something I I know, but I have no love for he-man either, but he's got a place in the world in a comic book store.
You can't make fun of somebody else's interest.
You're like, "He-Man is stupid.
I like Batman.
" You know, what's the diff? And what kind of clerk is rude to customers? I, imagine that.
This statue is definitely not your pappy's He-Man.
Look at that, man.
I don't remember him looking like this, man.
Pappy's like, "We didn't have He-Man.
" Yeah.
I mean, look at the veins in his arms.
I mean, this is, like, a He-Man for the new millennium, man.
I mean, did it take off in 2002, though? I mean, kids got into this? Like, the fuzzy boots and the, uh I mean, I can I mean, can you imagine look at that loin cloth.
Look at that.
Who knows what weapons he has in this Fanny pack? He's the most powerful man in the universe.
- You're not into barbarians? - No.
- What? - No.
I mean, kind of you're not into Conan? - I like Conan.
- What, you think that, it was He-Man versus Conan, who wins? - Oh, Conan, by far.
- You're out of your mind.
- Come on.
- Not a chance, right, bro? You're out of your mind.
Conan was cool.
He killed people.
He battled people.
He got the women.
That's what it comes down to for you.
You're like, "Conan got the women.
He-Man didn't get the women.
" Yeah, I don't remember a lot of women in He-Man.
Didn't he have wasn't he married - She-Ra.
- Yeah, that's right, She-Ra.
One woman, I mean, there wasn't a that was his sister, too, which is Was it really? Was it really? All right, what are you looking to get for him? I'm hoping to get around 275.
Ooh.
What's it retail for nowadays? - That's right, I'm asking you - That's interesting math.
You know, I'm asking more than it's than you know.
So, you realize, bringing it to the comic book store, we're going to have to try to make a little bit of profit on it - Right.
- So would you take 125? Meet me at 200.
- No, I couldn't do 200, man.
- I go if I drop 75, you go up 75 from the 125.
I could do 175, but that is it.
I can't go any higher than that.
- 175 is cool.
- You'll do 175? - Absolutely.
- All right, deal.
All right, my friend.
Thank you.
All right, guys.
- Have a great afternoon.
- Thanks so much.
Have a good one.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
You got my Mego yet? Um, it's on its way.
Okay.
I have a plane to catch.
Can you please try him again? This is the third text to him, and the moron's not answering.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi.
- You got my Mego yet? Um, well, the Mego figure isn't here yet, but it's on its way.
'Cause I have a plane to catch.
Just give us a few more seconds.
It'll be here.
Okay.
While Ming is out there, you know, desperately trying to get back before Lieutenant Uhura leaves, all I can think of is, like, the horrors that would befall the Stash as we were the laughingstock of the comic book community.
Calm down there, Shakespeare.
- Any second, any second.
- You know what? I actually had a question about an urban legend.
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Is it true Martin Luther King persuaded you to not quit Star Trek? - No, he ordered me.
- Really? - So it's true? - Yeah.
We had just met, and he was saying how he and his family loved the show and so forth.
And I said, "well, I'm leaving the show.
" And he said, "you can't! You cannot.
" And I said, "what you talking 'bout, Dr.
Martin Luther King?" The thing about Nichelle Nichols is, she was the first woman of color who was actually placed in a prominent position on television.
There she was, on the bridge.
She was the translator.
She had a big job.
She was part of the crew.
So I can understand where Martin Luther King would have felt like, "Yeah, you're portraying a character which to you "could be silly, but means something more to the greater good.
" I've often wondered what would have happened to me if I had left, you know, and people would be looking at me like Ticktock.
- Um, yeah, any anything? - Tick-tock.
- Okay, you got anything? - He's he's He says he's on his way.
- Yeah? - Um Hmm.
Um - Oh, hey, Ming! - I got it! - I got it.
- All right! I'm so sorry for making you wait.
- Oh! - Why'd you make me wait? - You know.
- 'Cause I - there it is.
- Oh, that's just the Mego Lieutenant Uhura figure.
- Oh! - Great job, buddy.
- Is that to die for? - Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Sorry it took so long.
God! - I see - It's not nearly as beautiful - as you are.
- She wishes.
See, Ming does not believe in the unwinnable scenario, man.
You broke the Kobayashi Maru, dude.
I did, I won.
I won! Oh, that is so cool.
What do you think? Is that like it came off - the shelf yesterday? - Really.
I'm so happy we could, you know, find it for you today.
Normally I would sell that for $175, - but since it's you - Yes.
I'm gonna let it go today for 150.
But it's me.
I have to pay for my own? Uh All right.
Well, how about 100 then? Is that is that cool? Doesn't look cool.
It never occurs to you to be, like, "for all the years of enjoyment in space you gave us, we got this one.
" How long have you known him? - I know! - How long? I have to admit, I was cringing.
I mean, how could you try to bargain with her? I mean, you're trying to negotiate with her that's what we're there for, though, man.
We're there to make money, though.
He was just looking to transport money from her pocket, beam it into his.
That simple.
How about 75 then? still copacetic? That's that's a great deal.
- What if I gifted it to her? - You would buy it for her? - Aha! - On one condition, though.
We reenact the first interracial kiss.
Me and you.
Suddenly, she's not so interested, I think, anymore.
- Ooh, look at this! - Whoa! - No way! - No.
Mike, I'm about to kiss your girlfriend.
Son of a bitch.
- I always want - Look at this! I can't resist a man with a beard.
- Oh! - Mm.
- Ooh! - Ooh.
Thank you.
I'll even go full-price for that.
- Thank you.
- Nice! - Whoo! - No way.
One more.
- Oh! - No way! Have a great day.
Thank you, guys.
Bye-bye.
How does that happen? I'm stunned.
Now that you've kissed Uhura, you just have to kiss Kirk, Spock, Sulu, and Chekov, and you'll have them all.
And Scotty, for a bonus round.
I probably got a chance with Sulu.
The rest of the guys, I don't know.
And that's it.
Everything that starts eventually ends, kids, just like this show, unfortunately.
For Comic Book Men, I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Other generations had "George Washington slept here.
" Our generation has "Lieutenant Uhura shopped here.
" Good night!