Corner Gas (2004) s03e10 Episode Script

There's a mistake in The Howler.
Ah, it happens once in a blue moon, actually once in a moon.
It happens several times over the course of one non-blue moon.
What's it say? Are we at war with Switzerland again? No.
In the horoscope, it says Virgo is born in August and September.
But I'm a Virgo and I was born in October.
There goes their Pulitzer.
I hate to say it, but The Howler'sright.
Virgo, August 23rd to September 22nd.
Through some quirk of statistics, they've stumbled upon the correct dates.
But-that means I'm not a Virgo.
My whole life I've had the wrong personality.
Ah, we knew it was somethin'.
See, now here is a mistake.
Is there such a thing as a Sagitemini? You can tell me that your dog ran away Then tell me that it took three days I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say You think there's not a lot goin' on Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong And that's why you can stay so long Where there's not a lot goin' on Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Ah, come on, you can't quit.
Who'll bus the tables? That's all you see me as, a busboy? You don't know that I've always wanted to work on a llama farm.
Yeah? Well, be careful.
They bite your fingers off.
Well, that's not gonna work.
Danger's part of the allure of llama farming.
Did you know he wanted to work with llamas? I didn't even know he could talk.
I don't know why we can't hire somebody to fix the roof.
I can do it.
It's just a roof.
It's not rocket surgery.
At least get somebody to help who knows what he's doing, instead of Dorkus.
Hey, these kneepads are like hats for little elves.
When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important.
Davis is a good man.
He knows what he's doing.
We make a hell of a team.
Ready to go, boss? Just follow my lead, Jackass.
You made your own colouring book? Percy Pedals.
It's a bike safety thing for kids.
Emma handpicked me to do it.
Could one of you do the bike safety colouring book? Yeah, get Dorkus to do it.
Who put you in charge of this, anyway? The mayor picked me.
Could one of you old ladies do the safety committee thing? Get Dorkus to do it.
Aww.
And you got kids to draw it.
That's so cute.
I drew it.
Oh.
I just thought it was kids 'cause it's terrible.
I think it's good.
It's good.
It-it-it reminds me of that artist, uh, um Beethoven? He was a composer.
He couldn't draw.
Exactly.
Geez, Lacey.
Why are you roasting Karen? Help me out, Brent.
You can draw.
I don't know.
I- I've written the words, I just need the pictures.
I can't do this myself.
She really can't.
Okay, pass me that pencil.
I'm on the job.
This is exciting.
Yeah.
I've never seen him do any work around here before.
Now, listen up.
Roofin's a serious business.
On the ground, you're the law, but up here, I'm the law.
What do ya mean on the ground I'm the law? Oh, right, 'cause I'm a cop.
But if I had a police helicopter and landed on the roof Just do what I do.
Got another ladder for me to knock over? Hey, throw me the idol, I'll throw ya the whip.
Double scorch.
Hey, you got a big brain, you're always trying to sound smart.
Trying to sound smart? That's a pedomorphic invective.
Isn't it, though? Does this make any sense to you? First Karen has the talking bicycle out on the highway and then suddenly it's in the playground.
How did it get there? Teleportation, wormhole? A bicycle that can teleport? Far fetched.
But a bike that can talk, you're okay with that.
Well, it has mouth.
Can I get you a coffee, sir? Oh, sorry.
You're Hank.
Oh.
It's okay.
I wouldn't recognize me either.
I'm, uh, reinventing myself, down to the bedrock of my personality.
So no hat? No, no.
I tried wearin' a different one, but it was no good.
Hey, any luck finding the Temple of Doom? Hey, throw me the idol, I'll throw ya the whip.
Double scorch.
Libras are, uh, industrious.
I wanna be more industrious.
Hmm.
I'm lookin' for a job, and somethin' professional, you know, economist, somethin' like that.
My busboy quit.
That's rough.
But can we stay focused on my problem? I need a new busboy.
Why are ya tellin' me this? I'm offering you the job.
Oh.
How long do you think we'll be stuck up here? Stop blubberin'.
You'd think you've never been stuck on a roof before.
I have never been stuck up on a roof before.
So, watch and learn.
I've been stuck on roofs, believe me.
Oh, I believe ya.
Nice clear day, though.
Yeah, you can see all the way to the ladder you knocked over.
Hey, Wanda.
How are Brent's drawings coming along? And be honest.
The drawings are good.
What you wrote is sorta crap.
Crap? Well, what sorta crap? The crappy kind, if you'll forgive my pedomorphic invective.
I didn't know you were having medical problems.
How's this working out? Pretty good.
He hasn't set fire to the kitchen and it gives me a chance to get some paperwork done.
Who would have thought? Hank's capable of basic menial labour.
Hey, that's not fair.
I- I can do more.
Well, okay, Hank.
Here is your chance to shine.
Here are the books.
Now, go put them on the shelf until I can do them later.
I'm totally wasted in this job.
He's adorable.
Wanda, help me balance Lacey's books so she'll take me more seriously as a busboy.
No.
Was there something else? Maybe.
I'm in over my head with this busboy stuff.
It's too technical.
Hey, is Brent lookin' to hire someone here? Leave the books with me.
Thanks.
Wanda, you were right about the colouring book.
Help me write it? Uh, um, I'd like to, but I Aw, thanks.
This sounding smart thing is backfiring.
Why don't you jump? We could hurt ourselves.
Why don't ya jump? Please let us down.
It's cold and I'm hungry.
Did you at least get the job done? No.
It was Davis's fault.
He created a hostile work environment.
You kicked over the ladder.
Ya see, full of blame.
Straighten out and fly right.
Please let us down, Emma, please.
Hey, Lacey, I balanced your books.
Well, they didn't make it to the shelf.
But nice try.
I sorta hired him for a lark.
There must be a couple hundred numbers here.
I'm impressed.
Hey, ya hear that? The mayor's impressed.
That's a feather in my cap.
Yeah, except now ya don't wear one.
I never wore a feather.
She's crazy.
We've got a provincial audit coming up.
How would you like to come work for the town? Me? I don't think Hank would want to I'm in.
Let's talk.
Typical Libra, no loyalty.
Okay, it was embarrassing.
It was very embarrassing.
And after some soul searching, maybe I do share in the blame.
A hundred percent share.
I'm trying to say I'm sorry.
All right.
We got aob to do and roofing waits for no man.
Put 'er there, partner.
I hate you.
There's someone.
Why don't you call? I'm not calling.
It's too humiliating.
It wouldn't be so humiliating if you didn't go straight to begging.
Please let us down, Emma, please.
It's nice to say please.
It's the magic word.
Let me give ya an example.
Oscar, please don't knock the ladder down, twice.
I said I was sorry.
Please.
Hey, there's someone else.
Why don't you call? No.
It's too humiliating.
Wanda, help me balance the town's books.
Forget it.
They're gonna find out I'm a sham as a civil servant.
You were a sham as a busboy.
As a civil servant, you're more of a fraud.
Listen.
I got a new life now.
I can't go back to hangin' around Corner Gas all day.
I'll be right over.
So, uh, what do you think of Karen's rewrites? It's better.
You know, actually, they were written by It's a bit pretentious.
That's Karen for ya.
You think my book is pretentious? Yeah.
You know, kids love to pretend and this great for that.
It's pretend-tious.
Oh, hello.
Come to gloat? No, to eat.
Oh.
You are enjoying this, aren't you? Not really.
Can I get some more coffee? Oh, go farm a llama.
So are we done here or what? Yeah.
I just have a few little quibbles.
Quibbles? Yeah.
Like I'm not crazy about this line here.
"Always wear a helmet.
" It comes across as bossy.
It's a law.
I just don't think Percy Pedals would say that.
Strictly speaking, he wouldn't say anything.
He's a bike.
A bike with a mouth.
Also, kids love to colour things red.
So could we work a fire engine in? O- o-kay, time out.
Let's get one thing straight, Quibbles.
This is myproject.
You're just the draw-er.
You're not getting paid to think.
I'm getting paid? No.
And you're especially not getting paid to think.
It's a good thing I had my window rolled down or I wouldn't have heard your shrill girl-like whining.
Not girl like.
It was masculine whining.
You have a lot to learn about being stuck on a roof.
I'm getting a lot of practice.
Sorry for the trouble.
The greenhorn panicked.
You're the one who knocked the ladder over, twice.
He knocked the ladder over, twice.
Yeah, well, shout it from the rooftops.
Oh, wait.
You already did.
How's it goin' with the books? Good, yep.
I was just visualizing.
As you know, uh, accountancy is, uh, and 10% well, it's 90% visualization.
FudgeePuffy? No, thanks.
I got pop rocks.
I picked the wrong day to quit.
Lotsa pressure.
You wanted help? Here are the books.
I tell ya, bussing is hard.
I have always brought people plates full of food.
But then to get the empty plates and bring them back, you really have to reverse your thinking.
Anyway.
Emma, Brent and I are sort of at loggerheads.
We're not at loggerheads.
Wait a minute, does loggerheads meaning fighting? Yeah, we're at-we're at loggerheads.
Creatively we don't see eye to eye.
He's got this crazy fire engine idea Fire engine, huh? Kids like to colour things red.
They do? Done with your cup? Ah.
See? I think I'm getting good at this.
The food comes in, the food comes out.
It's like the tide.
The tide just took my coffee.
Put your differences behind you.
This is about your words and your pictures coming together to create pictures with words under them.
That's very philosophical.
Well, I read a lot of those Chicken Soup books.
You need to rewrite your rewrites on the colouring book.
Oh, I don't know.
I got-I got a lot on my plate.
All right.
If you're okay with people thinking your writing is bland and flat.
Who said that? Kind of a general consensus.
I had a lot on my plate.
I could make that thing a literary opus.
Yeah.
Opus it up a bit.
I'm sorry I got mad at you yesterday.
Sure, it's frustrating getting stuck on a roof when someone else knocked over the ladder.
Sure.
And then you call for help Whine for help.
and you get made fun of, even though it's not your fault.
Yeah, ya did look pretty stupid.
But, hey, these things happen.
It's a learning experience.
What did ya do that for? To see how you like it.
This is way better.
I can tell you put a lot of work into it.
Oh, well, I'm a perfectionist, a workaholic.
Now the fire engine doesn't come out of nowhere.
It's much more organic.
Yeah.
I really struggled with that.
I used index cards and everything.
Are you two still draggin' your heels on that colouring book? Just get it done.
The mayor's office is very interested in bike safety.
Are you okay, Hank? Lotsa pressure.
Poprocks, please, grape and pop can-can of pop.
Poprocks and pop? Won't that make your stomach explode? Live free or die.
Where's Wanda? She's supposed to be serving you poprocks and pop.
She's off shirkin' her workin' somewhere.
Lazy Wanda.
That's the last fiscal year, and these are the projections for next fiscal year.
Okay, great.
Got it.
What do you mean by fiscal? I gotta go lie down.
Too lazy to answer a simple question.
Last time I go up on a roof with you.
Suits me fine.
Hey, are you guys okay? I don't know.
Are we? We're fine.
Just takin' a break.
Because it looks like your ladder's knocked down.
We're not stuck upup here, if that's what ya mean.
That's just our backup ladder.
Really? 'Cause I could just pick it up.
Leave it down, please.
Okay.
As long as you're fine.
Couldn't be better.
Or weirder.
I think we should get right to the audit.
Absolutely.
Here are the books.
I think you'll find they're very fiscal.
I've, uh, prepared them in a fiscal manner and I'm sure you'll be satisfied with, uh, the fiscallyness.
I'll be over there.
And if you have any questions, I am a Libra.
Do I smell grape? Wow.
You know, Mom was right.
You put pictures and words together, you really do get pictures plus words.
Your fire engine looks good.
You said you can't do hands, but you can do hands.
Well, I can do fire engine hands.
Are you done with these cups? This is my new busboy, Ted.
I- I realized that it would be better for me if I just hired a full-time busboy.
I- I-I don't have what it takes.
But it's okay, because I'm, uh, still a good person.
Can I have your fork? I'm still eating.
I'll wait.
Help! Help! We're stuck on a roof! How do you like it now? You're stuck up here too, Jackass.
And it's my fault.
I'm stuck up here on my own terms.
Hey, there's, uh, Emma and Wanda.
This colouring book is taking forever.
I want you to write it.
No, not again.
I mean, full plate.
Full plate.
If you're too lazy to do it, just say so.
Are Oscar and Davis stuck up on the roof again? Is who stuck on the what? I have no idea what you're talking about.
These books are a disaster.
First they make sense, but then they getet sloppier and sloppier.
And there's some gibberish about a bicycle.
Wanda.
My name's Steve.
I sort of hired him for a lark.
You're fired.
Can I have a FudgeePuffy? FudgeePuffies are for closers.
It's pretty good.
It gets a little weird where it goes off into the cost breakdown of bike accidents over the last fiscal year, but somehow it works.
Ah, I like to push the envelope.
I'm an envelope pusher.
What the hell is this? What are ya talkin' about? It's Percy Pedals.
A rollicking opus? Yeah.
But all the bike information is wrong.
When you come to a four-way stop, you're not allowed to just slow down a bit and go through.
That needed to happen to set up the subplot with the stepfather.
And this fire engine is scary.
He represents death.
Hello? Ah, that explains the black wings.
I'm sorry, I can't print this.
But-bubut it's so organic and, uh, opus-y.
And wrong.
All the work for nothin'.
Oh, well.
It wasn't that much work.
I gotta go lie down.
Check out Lazy.
So they can just sew fingers back on, huh? Do you have feeling in them? I'm in constant pain.
Aa-ah! Oh, sorry.
Nice to have you back.
Llama farming.
Man, life is too short for that kinda high pressure gig.
Born again Virgo.
Now don't dismiss being a busboy.
It takes strength, foresight, balance Fingers? Maybe I should just get paper plates.
This is ridiculous.
Come down.
No.
It's a protest.
You wouldn't let us come down when we wanted to come down.
So now we're not comin' down until you apologize.
Wecan wait all day.
Wehave sandwiches.
I hope you have a lot.
Some nerve.
Yeah.
Ignoring our cries for help, when we're trying to get roofing done.
Yeah.
I guess one of these days we should get a start on that, huh? It's hard to make the time.
Closed Captioning by I don't know the same things you don't know I don't know I just don't know It's a great big place full of nothin' but space and it's my happy place I don't know Yes you do You just won't admit it Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas.
com I don't know I just don't know