Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e10 Episode Script
Oh Nathaniel, It's On!
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Let's do something fun, like go to Raging Waters.
- I have a deposition today.
- (groans) Oh, Nathan-ay-El.
I'm using the exact tools that we have all learned here, in group therapy with my friends, Lana and Clarice and Bert and Jo illson.
Doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns? Your patterns with Josh, perhaps? Are you breaking up with me right now? I'm just saying that we can't be together or go out or have sex.
Rebecca, wait, you can't just WHITE JOSH: Who are we kidding, dude? - We got dumped.
- Yeah.
We did.
- What the hell are you doing? - Can I have my cash back now? I already bought a hot tub.
You tried a lot of different things, and we supported you every time you wanted to quit something.
I am an aimless cynic who has no plans for my future.
No, I don't live with my mom.
I live with my best friend.
DARRYL: I'll find someone great to donate an egg.
I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right? PAULA: You're donating an egg - to Darryl? - I have thought this through.
- Have you, though? - No, not at all.
HEATHER: So then I finished my continuing education archery class, and now I'm, like, a champion-level bowman, but it turns out, the Ren fair only comes, like, once a year.
Well, continuing ed.
That's fun.
Yeah, now you can say you're a student again.
Yeah, but continuing ed doesn't really count.
It's like I don't know, if I'm not a student anymore, then it's just, like, who am I? - (phone beeps) - Oh! Hold on.
- Hormone time.
- - (moaning, groaning) - Can you just go to the bathroom and do that, please? If women can breastfeed in public, then I can inject myself with hormones at this open-air donuteria.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I am helping my good friend Darryl make a baby, and I do not care if people think it's gross.
I am people, and I think it's gross.
Guys, look at all of my subcutaneous tissue.
I'm, like, the sub-Q queen.
Thanks, donuts.
Well, now you're actively ruining donuts for people.
- Ah - Oh, my goodness.
Ugh MAN: Ew! MAN 2: Take it to the alley, junkie! I'm making a miracle.
- People.
- HEATHER: Wait.
What did Dr.
Shin say about this whole thing? - Hmm? - I don't know, maybe just seems like someone in therapy for a personality disorder may not want to take tons of hormones? He said it was fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
As long as I'm present and aware, and I monitor my mental state, it's all good.
And if I feel stuff start to come up, I can just use the acronyms that I've learned in group.
Like, ooh, there's SASSY.
It's "Separate, Assess, Step Away, Soothe Yourself.
" (Paula gasps) Oh, that's catchy.
Also, you know how Robert Downey Jr.
kind of went through that spiral, and he broke into someone's house and slept in a child's bed? But then, he had that guest star in Ally McBeal, and now he's Iron Man? That's me.
Someone translate, please? Oh, she's going back to work.
That's what I meant.
I'm going back to work! Wow, you got your job back from Nathaniel? I mean, that resignation didn't count.
And he knew that I would feel like coming back to work at some point.
Yeah, are you sure he wants to work with you, since you dumped him? Oh, no, I didn't dump him.
I just put us on an indefinite permanent break.
HEATHER: I don't know what my identity is right now.
Should I say I am a bartender? A lover of cheese? A chewer of gum? Like, I'm all of those things, but none define me.
Honey, that's all very interesting, but this is a podcast about relationships.
We want to know about your relationship.
Yeah, well, it's just awkward, because Hector's sitting right there, and he's your son, so Oh, it's okay.
Whatever you want to say to me, you can say to me, my mom and our 334 subscribers to Dating For All Ages, which is brought to you by Merv's Diner, on 4th and East Cameron.
Mention the podcast, and you get a free ham and cheese.
I guess what I would like to know is where do you two stand? How serious are you? Well, I really like Hector, and our names definitely go well together.
Our couple name is "Heactor," like "Hector," but with an extra A.
But I can't really make any decisions about our relationship until I sort out who I am.
Heather, I just want to take our relationship to the next level, become more officially a couple.
Well, another challenge is that you live here with your mom, who's your best friend, so there's also that (crunching) Oh.
Sorry.
Dude, we're recording.
When I said you could stay here, I said we needed it quiet during pod-casting hours.
Yeah, totally.
I just I-I just want to get the tasty scragglers at the bottom.
Um, but you guys keep going.
I-I'm loving this.
I-I'll just scrag more quietly.
(chuckles) (crunching) Oh, yeah, no, no.
This is just gonna be too loud.
I'll-I'll just put them away.
Do you have a chip clip? No? Hi.
There you are.
Uh Of all the law firms in all the towns, I had to walk into this one.
What are you doing here? Um, I am here to tell you that I have amazing news.
You're leaving town again? No.
I'm ready to come back to work.
- Where? - Here.
- How? - What? You don't work here anymore, Rebecca.
You resigned, remember? What no, I didn't resign.
My mother resigned for me while she was drugging me, so that's not legal.
Oh, I see your point.
- Yes.
- You didn't resign.
No.
- You still work here.
- Yes.
And now, you're fired.
Oh, hey, boss.
Kevin, can I help you with something? Oh, I just wanted to, uh I have a good reason for asking this, I swear Uh, if someone asked Not me, but someone What would you say you are? (inhales) S what? Well, you know, like, uh, where are you from? Oh, um, I was born in Arizona, and then my dad, his job transferred - from there to here - Yeah I-I'm sorry.
I-I meant, where are your parents from? Yeah, um, well, my mom is from Michigan, and my dad is from Michigan.
They met at University of Michigan.
So, crazy story, huh? (nervous chuckle) Kevin, are you trying to ask me what my ethnic background is? - No.
- No? I mean, yes.
Yeah.
I-I mean, not because I-I care about what you are, I mean, you can be anything you want.
Oh Oh, thank you.
I mean, you're obviously something! (laughs) Uh, I mean, we we have never talked about I mean, I've wondered Though, for no reason.
Oh, God, this is a disaster, isn't it? And I'm so hot.
(grunts) Okay, well Oh! You took it off.
Oh.
The point is, it doesn't matter what race you are, you are my equal.
- (panting) - Oh, okay.
Kevin, did you, um, did you have a point, - or is this just for fun? - Yes! Yes.
There's a training program at Home Base corporate, and they are encouraging people who are who are (breathless): S-Say it Dear God in Heaven, please.
Diverse? (panting): Yes.
Yes.
Oh Kevin, all you had to say was, like, "Hey, there's a corporate management training program, here's a form.
" Right.
Here's a form.
REBECCA: Wait.
I'm fired? Um, are are you angry at me because of what happened between us? Because I told you, that had nothing to do with you, that-that was all me.
Oh, really? You're gonna hit me with the "it's not you, it's me"? Next thing I know, you're gonna hit me with the "I was going through a thing.
" I was going through a thing.
I'm still going through a thing, I'm trying to get healthy in my life.
Oh, "get healthy"? Really, Miss Personal Pan Pizza? Okay.
- Good luck with that.
- Wow.
So you're just gonna be a petulant little child about this? Really? I am not being a child, okay? Now get out of my room.
I mean, my office.
Get out of my-my office.
What is wrong with you? Why are you sweating like Mickey Rourke after a meal - at Fogo de Chao? - Nothing.
Okay? I'm fine.
(moans) SASSY.
SASSY.
"Sassy"? What are you talking I don't even know what you're talking about.
Just get out of my office.
Okay, fine, it's too hot in here, anyway.
Good! Fine, I'm sweaty? I'll show you how sweaty I am.
Okay, real professional.
That was disgusting! I'm not a child! I'm not a where's my ball? (exhales) What happened in there? Are you okay? (panting): Yeah.
I'm fine.
(sniffles) I just think the, uh, I think it's just the hormones kicking in.
And also, Nathaniel was really horrible to me in there.
Uh, he fired me.
Yeah, and, like, in a really mean way.
He insulted my personal pan pizzas anyway, uh, I don't have to tell you guys this, though.
You know what a monster he can be.
Actually, he's been okay lately.
MAYA: Yeah.
Yesterday, he patted me on the head, although, he might've been trying to stand up.
He's been taking your bust-up pretty well, actually.
Clearly not.
He's clearly devastated and lashing out.
Mm, I don't know if he's that devastated.
He's got this new gal pal.
Darryl.
That was an office secret.
It was on the group text chain called, "Shh!" Hold up.
New gal pal? Yeah, this new girlfriend is all over his Instagram.
He is flaunting her everywhere.
He's even tagging her in photos that she's not in: sunsets, rescue dogs, farmers' market.
Can someone give me their phone? Honey, no, no, no.
That's not a good idea.
You're off social media, remember? REBECCA: It's fine.
Okay.
I'm s I'm sorry, Tim, why is your phone background a picture of Shania Twain? She's beautiful, she is from Canada and she raised her brothers and sisters all on her own.
- That doesn't impress me much.
- REBECCA: Okay.
Ha oh, there she is.
Okay, well You know what? She's beautiful.
She also went to Stanford.
And she works in a mutual fund.
She's perfect for him.
There.
See? I'm fine.
(gasps) No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be.
Did he take her home to meet his family? Did he propose? Way worse.
The worsest.
REBECCA: He took her to Raging Waters! That's her Paris.
- (gasps) - REBECCA: No.
I mean, he can't be allowed to do this to me you, all of us.
I mean, guys, have you forgotten what he was like the first week he came here? He instantly wanted to fire all of you.
And, Darryl, um, hello He stole your firm.
He scooped up your ex-wife Stacey's shares behind your back.
Oh, that's true.
REBECCA: Oh, no, no, no, no.
He cannot do this.
I say we fight back, and we take this firm back.
(all groaning) That sounds a little aggressive I don't know how I feel about that.
Maybe we could just write him a letter.
Oh, guys, guys! - What? - Huh? Have you forgotten the kind of person he really is? He's the new guy, you can't trust him He's a bad guy even when he's nice Just because you've seen him show an ounce of vulnerability Do you think that means he has some secret heart of gold? Sure, there was that one scene Where he pooped his pants in front of you And by scene I mean he made a scene Well, I for one ain't sold He's the new guy Not easily reformed by Some quirky girl that he met at work Just because now that he became a season regular And by season regular I mean He eats bran in the spring Doesn't mean the show Is now called Rich and Pompous Lawyer And by show I mean his favorite show - Which, by the way, is Wings? - What? Screw the new guy, well, I did that And that's how I know that he hasn't changed a bit He's an evil sociopath Who's tricked you into liking him Why else do you think that I'm singing this reprise? And by singing this reprise I mean whatever, just don't think about it Let's sue the new guy Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub ALL: Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub Hey, what's a "reprise"? Darryl, shut up.
Anyway, so who's with me? ALL (half-heartedly): Yay I am So it's on! Chocolate, meet Honey.
Honey, meet Chocolate.
(gruff voice): Hello, Honey, nice to meet you.
(high, feminine voice): Oh, hello, Chocolate.
Ooh, do you want to make love in Rebecca's mouth? Yeah! Mmm.
Hungry hormone feast.
Hey, Hector, have you heard about the cool thing I'm doing? I'm taking my firm back.
Nathaniel hoodwinked and bamboozled Darryl to get it, and now I'm gonna hornswoggle him right back.
- She talks like an old lady.
- Mm-hmm.
I prefer '40s detective, but thank you.
Wait, how are you gonna take back the firm? That's what I'm trying to suss out now, my bird-boned friend.
I have to find some way to undermine him.
Oh, you know what you could do Try the dark Internet.
People do all kinds of creepy stuff on there.
My friend met someone on the dark web that made her stepdad disappear.
I don't know about that, Hector.
I mean, that seems a little bit extreme.
Ah! Damn it! Oh, man Ahh.
Hey, Heather, wait, what are you doing dressed all Good Wife? I mean, usually you have your entire midriff hanging out.
Like, we get it, you're skinny.
I'm sorry.
Um, that was rude.
I'm very hormonal.
Well, I applied for that Home Base management training program.
I don't know, I'm a little worried it's gonna be too uptight for me.
Their dress code is so conservative.
It's like, no tattoos, no body drawing, no hair dye.
It's, like, my whole look.
I guess I'll just have to express my colorful personality with my animated vocal inflections.
Ah! I found it! Sorry.
I found the loophole.
I know how to get the firm back.
I gotta go assemble the team.
Congratulations.
MAN: Well, trainees, on behalf of Home Base Industries and Three Strikes You're In, LLC, welcome to the orientation for the management training program.
You guys have been selected from Home Bases across the land By "across the land" I mean the northern southwestern region of California To begin your new careers.
Congratulations, folks.
You've gotten to first base.
(chuckles) - (forced chuckles) - That's so Du Okay, so, any questions at all? Uh, yeah, I have a few.
- Mm-hmm.
- First, are there going to be constant baseball puns? Because that's strike one.
Get it? Be Um Also, we're supposed to wear pantyhose, but pantyhose are actually not sanitary.
They trap all the juices.
Like, scientifically.
You know.
Oh, yep, this is super uptight.
(clears throat) I know how we can obliterate Nathaniel.
I mean, take the firm back.
So, here's what happened.
When Nathaniel bought Stacey's shares, the transaction was not executed in the correct county, because Stacey lives in Orange County.
Of course she does.
So the transfer of the shares needed to be notarized in the local jurisdiction.
(yawning): This is boring.
What are you saying? (exhales) I'm saying that if we can get those shares voided, buy them back, we will control 60% of the firm, making us all the controlling entity.
(snaps fingers) Any questions? Yeah, I have one.
Instead of doing all of this, why don't you just get a job somewhere else? You could go anywhere.
Yeah, you could probably take all of us with you, too.
- Might be fun.
- I personally would like to work at a firm where I could be outside all day.
You know, like Google or SpaceX.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
This is this is not about having a job or getting health insurance or being happier or being in fresh air.
No, no, no.
This is about justice for all of us.
It's about it's about good versus evil.
You guys know that.
Come on.
Head back in the game.
I am going to get Stacey to file with the court to get us a hearing to void the transfer of the shares.
Mm, how are you gonna do that? My ex-wife can be one tough nut.
REBECCA: This is nice, but this was really $10,000? Sure was.
Wait until you feel these jets.
- Oh! - Right? - Mmm.
- (whoops) (chuckles): Wow, I would really love five minutes alone in here with my phone browser set to private.
Sorry.
I'm, uh very horny right now.
- My body's making an egg.
- Oh.
That's right, you're making a baby with my ex-husband.
That's kind of weird.
Yeah, so my sex drive is just it's off the charts.
Okay, what is it that you want? I mean, you invited yourself over here.
You showed up with a bottle of wine and your bathing suit, said you had an offer I couldn't refuse, and now you're talking about your sex drive? (chuckles) I'm not bi.
Sorry.
- Darryl's the bi one.
- Hey, you know what? I'm not bi, either.
I mean, I have certain bi tendencies.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, Kinsey scale, I'm probably a 1.
8.
But anyway, Stacey, this is about business.
So, all right, those shares in the Whitefeather firm that you sold to Nathaniel Which, by the way, I mean, was just not the nicest thing to do to Darryl.
(scoffs) I'm an incredibly nice person.
(baby crying) Would you turn that baby off?! - (baby whimpers) - I'm sorry, just, ugh, these neighbors.
Am I right? Look, I got those Whitefeather shares fair and square in my divorce.
- So - Okay, you did, but when you sold them to Nathaniel, you put that firm in the hands of someone who is systematically exploiting people and taking some other people to water parks for no apparent reason.
Wait, what? Nothing.
Okay, Stacey, what if I told you that I could void that sale and then buy those shares back? - (baby cries) - I heard that, - you stupid baby! - Okay, I want to (crying continues) I want to take that evil Nathaniel to court and void the sale and then get the shares back, so, huh? And why would I do that? Come on, Stacey, there must be something you want.
Shut up, baby! Just shut it down! (sighs) Your Honor, we are here today to establish that Mr.
Plimpton acquired the shares of the Whitefeather firm - through fraudulent manipulation and - (knocking at door) You're suing me? Are you out of your mind? Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me.
Excuse me, you cannot just barge in my house.
And you know what? You don't have any right to be mad at me.
I'm the good guy here.
Yeah, I'm the one looking out for the-the people of Whitfeather.
Just tell me, how did you convince Stacey to contest the sale of the shares? I volunteered to represent her for free in her noise complaint lawsuit against the baby next door.
Not the parents.
The baby.
She was very specific about that.
Stacey's not a nice person, actually.
I know what this is.
You're trying to get back at me for not rehiring you and for the Raging Waters Oh! Oh, so you admit it.
Raging Waters was just to rub your new relationship in my face.
Oh, my God.
It's so transparent.
(chuckles) Look, it's not my fault that you can't get over me.
Oh.
(scoffs) I am over you.
I am totally over you.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I am dating someone who's funny, intelligent, not crazy.
- "Not crazy"? - Yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh, nice word.
Screw you.
- Screw you.
- Screw you.
- Screw you.
I don't think about you at all anymore.
- I don't think about you, either.
- I never think about you when I'm home alone in bed under the covers, warm at night.
I don't think about you when I'm in a hot tub - with high-powered jets.
- What? Nothing.
So, we agree.
This conflict is just about the legalities of the case.
Yeah, we agree.
- Fine, I'll see you in court! - Oh, yeah.
- I'll see you in court.
- Aah, wear a suit! What? (sighs, panting) Heather, just don't disturb me! I'll be in my room for eight to ten minutes! Oh, right, she's at work.
I'm gonna borrow her vibrator.
Heather, we need to talk.
Oh, what, I'm fired because Linda saw my butt piercing? That thing is really hard to get out.
You try it.
No, not that.
No, I have great news.
Your idea to add dessert tapas to the menu, I pitched it to menu technologies and they came back with a good deal of enthusiasm.
Oh, yeah.
They are gonna run it up the ladder, circle back and send it down the chain.
(laughs) Is that, like, corporate talk for saying I had a good idea? Uh, yeah.
A good idea.
Cool.
Um, I have another one.
We should institute a rideshare service at all locations because we're basically putting drunk parents into cars with their children.
My God, you are a visionary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I also don't want kids to die, but, uh, yeah.
Okay, guys.
I got this.
I'm gonna knock it out of the park.
- Okay.
- (door opens) This court is in session.
Ms.
Bunch, Mr.
Plimpton, your arguments may begin.
Your Honor, we are here today to establish that Mr.
Plimpton's acquisition of the shares in the Whitefeather firm was fraudulent.
That argument should be rejected on a prima facie basis.
It is absurd.
Manipulating a transaction to gain a jurisdictional advantage is dishonest and cannot be abided.
Your claims are overstated and stretch the legal limits of local arbitration laws.
Can you guys look at me? I can barely hear what you're saying.
- Of course, Your Honor.
- Sorry, Your Honor.
(tango music playing) I'm clearly not over you yet I'm clearly not over you, either Our love has transformed into hate Damn, sex right now would sure be great This is our horny, angry tango I want to fight I want to bang This is our horny, angry tango We're truly furious, but dang We're also horny, too (clears throat) As I was saying, Mr.
Plimpton was fully aware of all the jurisdictional issues when he first approached Ms.
Whitefeather to acquire the shares.
I want to tear you limb from limb And put your limbs all over my limbs Each time we fight I crave you more This would be better on the floor This is our horizontal tango We're both pissed off And yet turned on (both moan softly) This is our horizontal, horny, angry tango Now it's time for a six bar long Classic tango dance break Ow, thorns.
Dip Whore Slap I cannot slap you back Because you are a lady That clearly is a double standard But it's probably for the best This is our horny, angry tango.
(both panting) Well, you've made some powerful arguments for both sides.
Who won? Yeah, me or him? I'm not sure.
Can we do it again from the top? - Oh, God.
- Oh.
Just joking.
Ms.
Bunch, I rule in your favor.
The transaction is void.
The shares revert to Stacey Whitefeather.
Who is selling them to us.
(cheering) Oh, my God.
Ah, you're so sweaty.
I know, it's just it's a whole - it's a whole thing.
- Aah.
This is amazing, but now we have to buy the shares.
I mean, how are we gonna do that? None of us have any money.
Don't worry.
I got it covered.
Shtetl ring to the rescue again.
MAN: Mm-hmm.
It's been in my family for generations.
Legend has it that the stone was mined from the same mountain as Chaim Potok's wife's wedding ring.
It's fake.
What? Oh, it's completely fake.
What? No, no.
No.
How-how can the Garfinkel ring not be real? I sold this.
I sold this to a pawn shop on East Cameron.
Oh, that place went out of business.
Poor sap was buying fake jewelry.
Oh, my God.
Paula, we need money.
We don't have money.
What are we gonna do? We don't have any cabbage, scratch, no clams, no grilled cheese.
Is grilled cheese old-timey slang for money? No, I just really want a grilled cheese.
Oh, with marshmallows.
God, I'm so hormonal.
Okay, you got to know somebody with money.
I mean, you grew up in Richistan.
Don't you all have cocktail parties where you just stand around and talk about how to get more tax breaks or Paula, you bring up a point.
I do know some rich people.
Look, Audra and I have been friends a long time, and you and I shared that magical night together, and I just thought, you're always talking about how rich you are, so, you know, it's no skin off your Yeah, I-I'm rich because I don't give money to idiots like you.
And will you please stop telling people that I'm a terrible lay and that I have a small hmm? It's sufficient.
You must be so proud.
- (Skype call ends) - BJ NOVAK: What don't you understand, Rebecca? My ecstasy factory is losing money.
Everything's about opioids now.
No one wants good, artisanal ecstasy.
God, BJ, you went to Harvard.
It's called being a hyphenate, Rebecca.
Look it up.
Come on, buddy, help me out.
I don't know you.
You keep saying you met me at some boba stand.
Listen, I don't remember individual bobas.
I boba three or four times a week.
Now stop pestering my assistant.
No, no, no, Dr.
Phil, please don't go.
(Skype call ends) (Rebecca exhales) Hey.
I have a lot of feelings about my job and I want to talk about them.
Okay, so, I like having a real job.
I feel like I have a lot to contribute.
Also, what am I saying? I'm crushing it.
I'm doing better than any other trainee.
Also, having dental insurance is nice.
My wisdom teeth are on the move.
But I really don't like the corporate environment and sports wordplay and I miss my side hobbies, so, um, what do I do? Well, do you have a lot of money I could use? Me? You pay my rent, so Oh, God.
Oh, God, I-I really, I really messed up.
Um, so, I told a bunch of people that they could have something and they can't and I got their hopes up.
And, oh, God.
Oh, my hormones are out of control.
It's like a hundred periods, plus what I imagine cocaine would be like if I weren't too chicken to try it.
- I - And here's the thing.
The girl Nathaniel's dating, it's killing me, okay? I say it's not, but it is.
Every time I see a picture of them, it just, it-it breaks my heart, especially because she kind of looks like me, but she has, like, better eyebrows and thick, lustrous hair.
It's like if you put me in a Disney princess machine.
Oh, my God, I missed a shot.
I got to go.
Also, you should wash your vibrator.
Wait wait, what? What? (groans) (computer chimes) - (takes deep breath) - All right.
Let's see who this whore is who gets to go to my water parks.
HECTOR: Try the dark Internet.
(echoing): Dark Internet, dark Internet, - dark Internet, dark Internet - (scoffs) (panting) REBECCA: So, it's possible, not certain, but possible that in a, uh, hormone-fueled romp through the dark Internet last night, I may have ordered a hit on Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.
So, I, but it's okay.
It's okay.
I undid it this morning.
I mean, at least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
But, um, yeah, so I'm starting to think that maybe the hormones, like, were not the best idea for me.
But I'm-I'm not ragging on hormones and egg donation, in general.
Like, it's a wonderful thing.
But, like, for me, in particular.
Uh, that should've been obvious.
We shouldn't be discussing anything major until Dr.
Shin gets here.
Actually, guys, so, don't-don't tell Dr.
Shin anything that I just told you because I didn't check with him about this whole egg donation thing.
I knew he would say it was a bad idea and I thought I could just SASSY my way through it.
Is GASSY a thing? Because I sit next to you and it seems like you eat a lot of cruciferous veggies.
Guys, look, I know I'm super hormonal and irrational and rage-fueled right now, but I you know what? This takeover was a good idea.
It's a worthy cause.
Yes, I know I was partly doing it because of Nathaniel and his Insta-whore, but I really care about these people.
You know, I-I care about all those yutzes and-and he doesn't.
I would be so much better of a boss, and now I don't have the money to buy the shares, and I've had such a tough year and I just want to fight for the little guy.
You know? I want to, I want to battle the corporate machine.
- Yeah! - Guys, guys, shut up.
(chuckles) Dr.
Shin is coming.
Oh, guys, please, please, don't tell him anything.
Okay? Don't tell him anything.
Right? Borderlines go! Ew.
(sighs) - Hey, Heather.
- Hey.
It's good to see you.
How's the program going? Ah, I miss this place.
The smell of the fries, the sound of the fries, the heat from the fries.
You want some fries? Yeah.
Thanks.
Gross.
This place used to be my playground.
It's still a playground.
I mean, it's literally a playground.
Chris, I don't know what to do.
Me, neither.
Both of my parents are drunk and I don't have a ride home.
That's what I said.
(sighs) - BERT: Have a good week.
- RICK: Yeah, next week.
See you next week.
(sighs) Rebecca.
Oh, my God, Bert, I can't thank you enough for covering for me.
I mean, God, you spent that whole session talking about chemtrails.
Governments use aircraft fumes to spray us with sedatives.
- Okay.
- That's why Americans are all so sleepy.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you this.
Few people know this about me, but I am a Bitcoin thousandaire.
Okay, wow.
Uh, what? Yeah, so I have all this money and nothing to spend it on.
These fishing vests last a lifetime, especially if you never fish.
What are you saying? I'm saying I'll give you the money for your firm.
- (gasps) - I'll be a silent partner, and you can control the shares; you can do whatever you want.
Oh, my God, Bert, Bert, you you have no idea what this means to me.
I mean, why would you even do this? Well, I like how you look out for the little guy.
And to tell you the truth, I also need a tax break.
Oh, God, Bert, thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, just don't squeeze too hard.
Ooh.
Just, oh, just my boobs.
- They're giant melons of pain.
- I'm sorry.
You've also got a pretty big zit on your chin.
I'm aware.
What? Oh, of course.
Okay.
What is going on? What's going on is that you are no longer the senior partner at this firm.
I found a semi-wealthy semi-friend to buy the voided shares, and he and Darryl have designated me as the proxy to make all the decisions.
- So, I am now your superior.
- Superior? - You're not a man.
- Ah, things are gonna be a lot different around here, Nathaniel.
Mm-mm-mm.
30-hour workweeks, mandatory nap breaks, - two-hour lunches.
- Oh, what's going on? Here, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Get this garbage out of my office.
Excuse me, that's not garbage.
That's Gloria.
Estefan? No, Gloria Steinem and you knew that.
And this is our office now.
See, Darryl is about to have a baby, courtesy of me and my powerful ovaries.
So, get comfy.
'Cause I'm moving in with you.
FRANK: So, in the next four years, we will have five new sites and 16 new menu items Hey, Frank.
Heather.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you during whatever this boring thing is that you're doing.
Is this the refreshing person you told us about? Dessert tapas.
- (murmuring) - HEATHER: Yes, that's me.
Dessert tapas.
So, I came here to quit, because I hate offices and conference rooms and undergarments, but no, I don't want to quit, because you guys definitely need diversity.
And I don't just mean people of color, which you also desperately need.
It's, like, creepily homogenous in this place.
But I also mean, like, people who have good, out-of-the-box ideas.
I want to go where I'm needed.
I actually love the Home Bases, like, a lot, and I want to make them all better.
Like, from top to bottom, not just in one area.
So I'd like to be transferred to the store management trainee program where I can start to manage stores on site.
We don't have that program.
But we should.
I make a motion to start one.
You can just do that? Of course.
I just need someone to second it.
- Second it.
And third.
- (member chuckles) What a board meeting.
I might make love to my wife tonight.
Lucky woman.
Yeah.
She's really lucky.
- Sure is.
- (sighs): Wow.
HEATHER: So, now, at long last, I know who I am.
I'm not a student.
I'm a regional manager.
I get to boss people around at three San Gabriel Valley Home Bases.
- Wow.
(chuckles) - (chuckles) Yeah.
Of course, the West Covina Home Base will be my home base Home Base.
So you're basically Kevin's boss now? (chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah.
That's weird.
God, I just feel like everything's come together in this cool and unexpected way.
And so now I don't know I feel ready to take our thing to the next level, too.
Really? Yeah.
I was thinking maybe you could move in? But I know you're happy here being besties with your mom.
(laughing) I can't believe this thing's, like, a large.
But it looks so good.
I'm so happy to do that for you.
No.
I - So sweet of you.
- Aw.
We're gonna go see Metallica.
- Uh, we might be home late.
- Mm.
- S Bye.
- Bye! - (chuckles) I'm so excited.
- JOSH: I know.
Bye.
- (door shuts) - Yeah, about my mom (sighs) For the last few days, I've seen Josh become her best friend, and it's not a good look for him.
Or me.
It's time for me to move out.
Good job, baby.
KEVIN: Welcome home, Regional Manager.
I was so happy when I heard the news, I went out - and got you a little present.
- What? Kevin, you didn't have to get me anything.
Yes, I did.
When last we spoke, I was being insensitive.
Since then, I've gone through extensive online training in racial sensitivity.
- What? - I got you this gift to say congrats on the new job and also to say I'm "sari.
" Kevin, I'm not Indian.
I get that a lot, but my mom's white, my dad's black.
That's what I am.
I'm half-black, half-white.
100% Michigan.
No.
What have I done? I don't know, but even if I were Indian, like, not the right move at all here.
I'm so ashamed! And so hot! - No Oh, it's happening.
- (grunting) - Okay, no.
Uh - (panting, sniffs) (exhales) Oh.
Your new rule about mandated undershirts is a good idea.
(sighs) (Darryl sighs) Any minute, they're gonna call and tell us how the surrogate implantation is going.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine, carrying someone else's baby? What an angel.
It's amazing.
I know.
I can't - (phone ringing) - Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! - (mutters) - (beeps) Hello? Yes, this is Darryl Whitefeather.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What? Hey, what's happening? What's wrong? Mm, mm, mm.
Yes.
No, thank you.
I und I understand.
The doctor was gonna put our embryo in the surrogate, and he realized that she was already pregnant - and she didn't know.
- What? (sighs) Oh, God.
I'm gonna have to find a surrogate in the next 24 hours or they're gonna freeze the embryo, which makes it way less viable.
I'll do it.
- Wait, what did she just say? - Sorry, hey, Heather? Can you can you come can you come back here for a second? What w What did what-what did you say? Oh.
Yeah, I'm feeling good about my future.
I can do a quick favor.
It's still just nine months, right? They haven't changed that, have they? 'Cause you know I love my hobbies.
Did you just say that you would carry our baby? Yeah, it's fine.
- Oh, my God.
Heather.
- (laughing) - Okay.
Moved in my beanbag chair.
- (chuckles) What-What's happening? Oh.
The three of us are just gonna have a baby together.
It's no big deal.
Cool.
Cool.
What? - Heather! Oh, my God! - (laughs) Yay! (insects trilling) Hey.
Um I've been thinking about how I've acted over the past couple weeks, and, um now that I'm off the hormones, I realize that my behavior has been, shall we say, heightened.
So, I, uh I apologize.
I know I wasn't the nicest person when you asked for your job back.
And the Raging Waters thing I was trying to get under your skin.
- (chuckles) - I'm sorry.
Honestly, we went in there for ten minutes, took a picture, and left.
You know I can't stand direct sunlight and people.
(chuckling): Right.
Right.
Nathaniel, I know that you think that I ditched you, but I really am just I'm not ready to be in a real relationship right now.
I really care about you.
I hope you know that.
And breaking things off with you was, honestly, one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
And, um I'm happy that you found someone else.
- Mona seems lovely.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she really is.
Great.
So I'm glad that we can just be adults now.
- Yes, exactly.
- Okay, good.
Um Uh Ah.
- Friends? Friends.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
(chuckles) (both chuckle) (moaning) This is a terrible idea.
This is the worst idea.
This is the worst idea.
(moaning)
- I have a deposition today.
- (groans) Oh, Nathan-ay-El.
I'm using the exact tools that we have all learned here, in group therapy with my friends, Lana and Clarice and Bert and Jo illson.
Doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns? Your patterns with Josh, perhaps? Are you breaking up with me right now? I'm just saying that we can't be together or go out or have sex.
Rebecca, wait, you can't just WHITE JOSH: Who are we kidding, dude? - We got dumped.
- Yeah.
We did.
- What the hell are you doing? - Can I have my cash back now? I already bought a hot tub.
You tried a lot of different things, and we supported you every time you wanted to quit something.
I am an aimless cynic who has no plans for my future.
No, I don't live with my mom.
I live with my best friend.
DARRYL: I'll find someone great to donate an egg.
I'd do anything for you.
You know that, right? PAULA: You're donating an egg - to Darryl? - I have thought this through.
- Have you, though? - No, not at all.
HEATHER: So then I finished my continuing education archery class, and now I'm, like, a champion-level bowman, but it turns out, the Ren fair only comes, like, once a year.
Well, continuing ed.
That's fun.
Yeah, now you can say you're a student again.
Yeah, but continuing ed doesn't really count.
It's like I don't know, if I'm not a student anymore, then it's just, like, who am I? - (phone beeps) - Oh! Hold on.
- Hormone time.
- - (moaning, groaning) - Can you just go to the bathroom and do that, please? If women can breastfeed in public, then I can inject myself with hormones at this open-air donuteria.
I'm not ashamed of it.
I am helping my good friend Darryl make a baby, and I do not care if people think it's gross.
I am people, and I think it's gross.
Guys, look at all of my subcutaneous tissue.
I'm, like, the sub-Q queen.
Thanks, donuts.
Well, now you're actively ruining donuts for people.
- Ah - Oh, my goodness.
Ugh MAN: Ew! MAN 2: Take it to the alley, junkie! I'm making a miracle.
- People.
- HEATHER: Wait.
What did Dr.
Shin say about this whole thing? - Hmm? - I don't know, maybe just seems like someone in therapy for a personality disorder may not want to take tons of hormones? He said it was fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
As long as I'm present and aware, and I monitor my mental state, it's all good.
And if I feel stuff start to come up, I can just use the acronyms that I've learned in group.
Like, ooh, there's SASSY.
It's "Separate, Assess, Step Away, Soothe Yourself.
" (Paula gasps) Oh, that's catchy.
Also, you know how Robert Downey Jr.
kind of went through that spiral, and he broke into someone's house and slept in a child's bed? But then, he had that guest star in Ally McBeal, and now he's Iron Man? That's me.
Someone translate, please? Oh, she's going back to work.
That's what I meant.
I'm going back to work! Wow, you got your job back from Nathaniel? I mean, that resignation didn't count.
And he knew that I would feel like coming back to work at some point.
Yeah, are you sure he wants to work with you, since you dumped him? Oh, no, I didn't dump him.
I just put us on an indefinite permanent break.
HEATHER: I don't know what my identity is right now.
Should I say I am a bartender? A lover of cheese? A chewer of gum? Like, I'm all of those things, but none define me.
Honey, that's all very interesting, but this is a podcast about relationships.
We want to know about your relationship.
Yeah, well, it's just awkward, because Hector's sitting right there, and he's your son, so Oh, it's okay.
Whatever you want to say to me, you can say to me, my mom and our 334 subscribers to Dating For All Ages, which is brought to you by Merv's Diner, on 4th and East Cameron.
Mention the podcast, and you get a free ham and cheese.
I guess what I would like to know is where do you two stand? How serious are you? Well, I really like Hector, and our names definitely go well together.
Our couple name is "Heactor," like "Hector," but with an extra A.
But I can't really make any decisions about our relationship until I sort out who I am.
Heather, I just want to take our relationship to the next level, become more officially a couple.
Well, another challenge is that you live here with your mom, who's your best friend, so there's also that (crunching) Oh.
Sorry.
Dude, we're recording.
When I said you could stay here, I said we needed it quiet during pod-casting hours.
Yeah, totally.
I just I-I just want to get the tasty scragglers at the bottom.
Um, but you guys keep going.
I-I'm loving this.
I-I'll just scrag more quietly.
(chuckles) (crunching) Oh, yeah, no, no.
This is just gonna be too loud.
I'll-I'll just put them away.
Do you have a chip clip? No? Hi.
There you are.
Uh Of all the law firms in all the towns, I had to walk into this one.
What are you doing here? Um, I am here to tell you that I have amazing news.
You're leaving town again? No.
I'm ready to come back to work.
- Where? - Here.
- How? - What? You don't work here anymore, Rebecca.
You resigned, remember? What no, I didn't resign.
My mother resigned for me while she was drugging me, so that's not legal.
Oh, I see your point.
- Yes.
- You didn't resign.
No.
- You still work here.
- Yes.
And now, you're fired.
Oh, hey, boss.
Kevin, can I help you with something? Oh, I just wanted to, uh I have a good reason for asking this, I swear Uh, if someone asked Not me, but someone What would you say you are? (inhales) S what? Well, you know, like, uh, where are you from? Oh, um, I was born in Arizona, and then my dad, his job transferred - from there to here - Yeah I-I'm sorry.
I-I meant, where are your parents from? Yeah, um, well, my mom is from Michigan, and my dad is from Michigan.
They met at University of Michigan.
So, crazy story, huh? (nervous chuckle) Kevin, are you trying to ask me what my ethnic background is? - No.
- No? I mean, yes.
Yeah.
I-I mean, not because I-I care about what you are, I mean, you can be anything you want.
Oh Oh, thank you.
I mean, you're obviously something! (laughs) Uh, I mean, we we have never talked about I mean, I've wondered Though, for no reason.
Oh, God, this is a disaster, isn't it? And I'm so hot.
(grunts) Okay, well Oh! You took it off.
Oh.
The point is, it doesn't matter what race you are, you are my equal.
- (panting) - Oh, okay.
Kevin, did you, um, did you have a point, - or is this just for fun? - Yes! Yes.
There's a training program at Home Base corporate, and they are encouraging people who are who are (breathless): S-Say it Dear God in Heaven, please.
Diverse? (panting): Yes.
Yes.
Oh Kevin, all you had to say was, like, "Hey, there's a corporate management training program, here's a form.
" Right.
Here's a form.
REBECCA: Wait.
I'm fired? Um, are are you angry at me because of what happened between us? Because I told you, that had nothing to do with you, that-that was all me.
Oh, really? You're gonna hit me with the "it's not you, it's me"? Next thing I know, you're gonna hit me with the "I was going through a thing.
" I was going through a thing.
I'm still going through a thing, I'm trying to get healthy in my life.
Oh, "get healthy"? Really, Miss Personal Pan Pizza? Okay.
- Good luck with that.
- Wow.
So you're just gonna be a petulant little child about this? Really? I am not being a child, okay? Now get out of my room.
I mean, my office.
Get out of my-my office.
What is wrong with you? Why are you sweating like Mickey Rourke after a meal - at Fogo de Chao? - Nothing.
Okay? I'm fine.
(moans) SASSY.
SASSY.
"Sassy"? What are you talking I don't even know what you're talking about.
Just get out of my office.
Okay, fine, it's too hot in here, anyway.
Good! Fine, I'm sweaty? I'll show you how sweaty I am.
Okay, real professional.
That was disgusting! I'm not a child! I'm not a where's my ball? (exhales) What happened in there? Are you okay? (panting): Yeah.
I'm fine.
(sniffles) I just think the, uh, I think it's just the hormones kicking in.
And also, Nathaniel was really horrible to me in there.
Uh, he fired me.
Yeah, and, like, in a really mean way.
He insulted my personal pan pizzas anyway, uh, I don't have to tell you guys this, though.
You know what a monster he can be.
Actually, he's been okay lately.
MAYA: Yeah.
Yesterday, he patted me on the head, although, he might've been trying to stand up.
He's been taking your bust-up pretty well, actually.
Clearly not.
He's clearly devastated and lashing out.
Mm, I don't know if he's that devastated.
He's got this new gal pal.
Darryl.
That was an office secret.
It was on the group text chain called, "Shh!" Hold up.
New gal pal? Yeah, this new girlfriend is all over his Instagram.
He is flaunting her everywhere.
He's even tagging her in photos that she's not in: sunsets, rescue dogs, farmers' market.
Can someone give me their phone? Honey, no, no, no.
That's not a good idea.
You're off social media, remember? REBECCA: It's fine.
Okay.
I'm s I'm sorry, Tim, why is your phone background a picture of Shania Twain? She's beautiful, she is from Canada and she raised her brothers and sisters all on her own.
- That doesn't impress me much.
- REBECCA: Okay.
Ha oh, there she is.
Okay, well You know what? She's beautiful.
She also went to Stanford.
And she works in a mutual fund.
She's perfect for him.
There.
See? I'm fine.
(gasps) No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
This can't be.
Did he take her home to meet his family? Did he propose? Way worse.
The worsest.
REBECCA: He took her to Raging Waters! That's her Paris.
- (gasps) - REBECCA: No.
I mean, he can't be allowed to do this to me you, all of us.
I mean, guys, have you forgotten what he was like the first week he came here? He instantly wanted to fire all of you.
And, Darryl, um, hello He stole your firm.
He scooped up your ex-wife Stacey's shares behind your back.
Oh, that's true.
REBECCA: Oh, no, no, no, no.
He cannot do this.
I say we fight back, and we take this firm back.
(all groaning) That sounds a little aggressive I don't know how I feel about that.
Maybe we could just write him a letter.
Oh, guys, guys! - What? - Huh? Have you forgotten the kind of person he really is? He's the new guy, you can't trust him He's a bad guy even when he's nice Just because you've seen him show an ounce of vulnerability Do you think that means he has some secret heart of gold? Sure, there was that one scene Where he pooped his pants in front of you And by scene I mean he made a scene Well, I for one ain't sold He's the new guy Not easily reformed by Some quirky girl that he met at work Just because now that he became a season regular And by season regular I mean He eats bran in the spring Doesn't mean the show Is now called Rich and Pompous Lawyer And by show I mean his favorite show - Which, by the way, is Wings? - What? Screw the new guy, well, I did that And that's how I know that he hasn't changed a bit He's an evil sociopath Who's tricked you into liking him Why else do you think that I'm singing this reprise? And by singing this reprise I mean whatever, just don't think about it Let's sue the new guy Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub ALL: Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub Hubbub, hubbub, hubbub, hubbub Hey, what's a "reprise"? Darryl, shut up.
Anyway, so who's with me? ALL (half-heartedly): Yay I am So it's on! Chocolate, meet Honey.
Honey, meet Chocolate.
(gruff voice): Hello, Honey, nice to meet you.
(high, feminine voice): Oh, hello, Chocolate.
Ooh, do you want to make love in Rebecca's mouth? Yeah! Mmm.
Hungry hormone feast.
Hey, Hector, have you heard about the cool thing I'm doing? I'm taking my firm back.
Nathaniel hoodwinked and bamboozled Darryl to get it, and now I'm gonna hornswoggle him right back.
- She talks like an old lady.
- Mm-hmm.
I prefer '40s detective, but thank you.
Wait, how are you gonna take back the firm? That's what I'm trying to suss out now, my bird-boned friend.
I have to find some way to undermine him.
Oh, you know what you could do Try the dark Internet.
People do all kinds of creepy stuff on there.
My friend met someone on the dark web that made her stepdad disappear.
I don't know about that, Hector.
I mean, that seems a little bit extreme.
Ah! Damn it! Oh, man Ahh.
Hey, Heather, wait, what are you doing dressed all Good Wife? I mean, usually you have your entire midriff hanging out.
Like, we get it, you're skinny.
I'm sorry.
Um, that was rude.
I'm very hormonal.
Well, I applied for that Home Base management training program.
I don't know, I'm a little worried it's gonna be too uptight for me.
Their dress code is so conservative.
It's like, no tattoos, no body drawing, no hair dye.
It's, like, my whole look.
I guess I'll just have to express my colorful personality with my animated vocal inflections.
Ah! I found it! Sorry.
I found the loophole.
I know how to get the firm back.
I gotta go assemble the team.
Congratulations.
MAN: Well, trainees, on behalf of Home Base Industries and Three Strikes You're In, LLC, welcome to the orientation for the management training program.
You guys have been selected from Home Bases across the land By "across the land" I mean the northern southwestern region of California To begin your new careers.
Congratulations, folks.
You've gotten to first base.
(chuckles) - (forced chuckles) - That's so Du Okay, so, any questions at all? Uh, yeah, I have a few.
- Mm-hmm.
- First, are there going to be constant baseball puns? Because that's strike one.
Get it? Be Um Also, we're supposed to wear pantyhose, but pantyhose are actually not sanitary.
They trap all the juices.
Like, scientifically.
You know.
Oh, yep, this is super uptight.
(clears throat) I know how we can obliterate Nathaniel.
I mean, take the firm back.
So, here's what happened.
When Nathaniel bought Stacey's shares, the transaction was not executed in the correct county, because Stacey lives in Orange County.
Of course she does.
So the transfer of the shares needed to be notarized in the local jurisdiction.
(yawning): This is boring.
What are you saying? (exhales) I'm saying that if we can get those shares voided, buy them back, we will control 60% of the firm, making us all the controlling entity.
(snaps fingers) Any questions? Yeah, I have one.
Instead of doing all of this, why don't you just get a job somewhere else? You could go anywhere.
Yeah, you could probably take all of us with you, too.
- Might be fun.
- I personally would like to work at a firm where I could be outside all day.
You know, like Google or SpaceX.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
This is this is not about having a job or getting health insurance or being happier or being in fresh air.
No, no, no.
This is about justice for all of us.
It's about it's about good versus evil.
You guys know that.
Come on.
Head back in the game.
I am going to get Stacey to file with the court to get us a hearing to void the transfer of the shares.
Mm, how are you gonna do that? My ex-wife can be one tough nut.
REBECCA: This is nice, but this was really $10,000? Sure was.
Wait until you feel these jets.
- Oh! - Right? - Mmm.
- (whoops) (chuckles): Wow, I would really love five minutes alone in here with my phone browser set to private.
Sorry.
I'm, uh very horny right now.
- My body's making an egg.
- Oh.
That's right, you're making a baby with my ex-husband.
That's kind of weird.
Yeah, so my sex drive is just it's off the charts.
Okay, what is it that you want? I mean, you invited yourself over here.
You showed up with a bottle of wine and your bathing suit, said you had an offer I couldn't refuse, and now you're talking about your sex drive? (chuckles) I'm not bi.
Sorry.
- Darryl's the bi one.
- Hey, you know what? I'm not bi, either.
I mean, I have certain bi tendencies.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, Kinsey scale, I'm probably a 1.
8.
But anyway, Stacey, this is about business.
So, all right, those shares in the Whitefeather firm that you sold to Nathaniel Which, by the way, I mean, was just not the nicest thing to do to Darryl.
(scoffs) I'm an incredibly nice person.
(baby crying) Would you turn that baby off?! - (baby whimpers) - I'm sorry, just, ugh, these neighbors.
Am I right? Look, I got those Whitefeather shares fair and square in my divorce.
- So - Okay, you did, but when you sold them to Nathaniel, you put that firm in the hands of someone who is systematically exploiting people and taking some other people to water parks for no apparent reason.
Wait, what? Nothing.
Okay, Stacey, what if I told you that I could void that sale and then buy those shares back? - (baby cries) - I heard that, - you stupid baby! - Okay, I want to (crying continues) I want to take that evil Nathaniel to court and void the sale and then get the shares back, so, huh? And why would I do that? Come on, Stacey, there must be something you want.
Shut up, baby! Just shut it down! (sighs) Your Honor, we are here today to establish that Mr.
Plimpton acquired the shares of the Whitefeather firm - through fraudulent manipulation and - (knocking at door) You're suing me? Are you out of your mind? Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me.
Excuse me, you cannot just barge in my house.
And you know what? You don't have any right to be mad at me.
I'm the good guy here.
Yeah, I'm the one looking out for the-the people of Whitfeather.
Just tell me, how did you convince Stacey to contest the sale of the shares? I volunteered to represent her for free in her noise complaint lawsuit against the baby next door.
Not the parents.
The baby.
She was very specific about that.
Stacey's not a nice person, actually.
I know what this is.
You're trying to get back at me for not rehiring you and for the Raging Waters Oh! Oh, so you admit it.
Raging Waters was just to rub your new relationship in my face.
Oh, my God.
It's so transparent.
(chuckles) Look, it's not my fault that you can't get over me.
Oh.
(scoffs) I am over you.
I am totally over you.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure.
Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
I am dating someone who's funny, intelligent, not crazy.
- "Not crazy"? - Yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh, nice word.
Screw you.
- Screw you.
- Screw you.
- Screw you.
I don't think about you at all anymore.
- I don't think about you, either.
- I never think about you when I'm home alone in bed under the covers, warm at night.
I don't think about you when I'm in a hot tub - with high-powered jets.
- What? Nothing.
So, we agree.
This conflict is just about the legalities of the case.
Yeah, we agree.
- Fine, I'll see you in court! - Oh, yeah.
- I'll see you in court.
- Aah, wear a suit! What? (sighs, panting) Heather, just don't disturb me! I'll be in my room for eight to ten minutes! Oh, right, she's at work.
I'm gonna borrow her vibrator.
Heather, we need to talk.
Oh, what, I'm fired because Linda saw my butt piercing? That thing is really hard to get out.
You try it.
No, not that.
No, I have great news.
Your idea to add dessert tapas to the menu, I pitched it to menu technologies and they came back with a good deal of enthusiasm.
Oh, yeah.
They are gonna run it up the ladder, circle back and send it down the chain.
(laughs) Is that, like, corporate talk for saying I had a good idea? Uh, yeah.
A good idea.
Cool.
Um, I have another one.
We should institute a rideshare service at all locations because we're basically putting drunk parents into cars with their children.
My God, you are a visionary.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I also don't want kids to die, but, uh, yeah.
Okay, guys.
I got this.
I'm gonna knock it out of the park.
- Okay.
- (door opens) This court is in session.
Ms.
Bunch, Mr.
Plimpton, your arguments may begin.
Your Honor, we are here today to establish that Mr.
Plimpton's acquisition of the shares in the Whitefeather firm was fraudulent.
That argument should be rejected on a prima facie basis.
It is absurd.
Manipulating a transaction to gain a jurisdictional advantage is dishonest and cannot be abided.
Your claims are overstated and stretch the legal limits of local arbitration laws.
Can you guys look at me? I can barely hear what you're saying.
- Of course, Your Honor.
- Sorry, Your Honor.
(tango music playing) I'm clearly not over you yet I'm clearly not over you, either Our love has transformed into hate Damn, sex right now would sure be great This is our horny, angry tango I want to fight I want to bang This is our horny, angry tango We're truly furious, but dang We're also horny, too (clears throat) As I was saying, Mr.
Plimpton was fully aware of all the jurisdictional issues when he first approached Ms.
Whitefeather to acquire the shares.
I want to tear you limb from limb And put your limbs all over my limbs Each time we fight I crave you more This would be better on the floor This is our horizontal tango We're both pissed off And yet turned on (both moan softly) This is our horizontal, horny, angry tango Now it's time for a six bar long Classic tango dance break Ow, thorns.
Dip Whore Slap I cannot slap you back Because you are a lady That clearly is a double standard But it's probably for the best This is our horny, angry tango.
(both panting) Well, you've made some powerful arguments for both sides.
Who won? Yeah, me or him? I'm not sure.
Can we do it again from the top? - Oh, God.
- Oh.
Just joking.
Ms.
Bunch, I rule in your favor.
The transaction is void.
The shares revert to Stacey Whitefeather.
Who is selling them to us.
(cheering) Oh, my God.
Ah, you're so sweaty.
I know, it's just it's a whole - it's a whole thing.
- Aah.
This is amazing, but now we have to buy the shares.
I mean, how are we gonna do that? None of us have any money.
Don't worry.
I got it covered.
Shtetl ring to the rescue again.
MAN: Mm-hmm.
It's been in my family for generations.
Legend has it that the stone was mined from the same mountain as Chaim Potok's wife's wedding ring.
It's fake.
What? Oh, it's completely fake.
What? No, no.
No.
How-how can the Garfinkel ring not be real? I sold this.
I sold this to a pawn shop on East Cameron.
Oh, that place went out of business.
Poor sap was buying fake jewelry.
Oh, my God.
Paula, we need money.
We don't have money.
What are we gonna do? We don't have any cabbage, scratch, no clams, no grilled cheese.
Is grilled cheese old-timey slang for money? No, I just really want a grilled cheese.
Oh, with marshmallows.
God, I'm so hormonal.
Okay, you got to know somebody with money.
I mean, you grew up in Richistan.
Don't you all have cocktail parties where you just stand around and talk about how to get more tax breaks or Paula, you bring up a point.
I do know some rich people.
Look, Audra and I have been friends a long time, and you and I shared that magical night together, and I just thought, you're always talking about how rich you are, so, you know, it's no skin off your Yeah, I-I'm rich because I don't give money to idiots like you.
And will you please stop telling people that I'm a terrible lay and that I have a small hmm? It's sufficient.
You must be so proud.
- (Skype call ends) - BJ NOVAK: What don't you understand, Rebecca? My ecstasy factory is losing money.
Everything's about opioids now.
No one wants good, artisanal ecstasy.
God, BJ, you went to Harvard.
It's called being a hyphenate, Rebecca.
Look it up.
Come on, buddy, help me out.
I don't know you.
You keep saying you met me at some boba stand.
Listen, I don't remember individual bobas.
I boba three or four times a week.
Now stop pestering my assistant.
No, no, no, Dr.
Phil, please don't go.
(Skype call ends) (Rebecca exhales) Hey.
I have a lot of feelings about my job and I want to talk about them.
Okay, so, I like having a real job.
I feel like I have a lot to contribute.
Also, what am I saying? I'm crushing it.
I'm doing better than any other trainee.
Also, having dental insurance is nice.
My wisdom teeth are on the move.
But I really don't like the corporate environment and sports wordplay and I miss my side hobbies, so, um, what do I do? Well, do you have a lot of money I could use? Me? You pay my rent, so Oh, God.
Oh, God, I-I really, I really messed up.
Um, so, I told a bunch of people that they could have something and they can't and I got their hopes up.
And, oh, God.
Oh, my hormones are out of control.
It's like a hundred periods, plus what I imagine cocaine would be like if I weren't too chicken to try it.
- I - And here's the thing.
The girl Nathaniel's dating, it's killing me, okay? I say it's not, but it is.
Every time I see a picture of them, it just, it-it breaks my heart, especially because she kind of looks like me, but she has, like, better eyebrows and thick, lustrous hair.
It's like if you put me in a Disney princess machine.
Oh, my God, I missed a shot.
I got to go.
Also, you should wash your vibrator.
Wait wait, what? What? (groans) (computer chimes) - (takes deep breath) - All right.
Let's see who this whore is who gets to go to my water parks.
HECTOR: Try the dark Internet.
(echoing): Dark Internet, dark Internet, - dark Internet, dark Internet - (scoffs) (panting) REBECCA: So, it's possible, not certain, but possible that in a, uh, hormone-fueled romp through the dark Internet last night, I may have ordered a hit on Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.
So, I, but it's okay.
It's okay.
I undid it this morning.
I mean, at least I tried to.
Hope I did.
I think I did.
I probably did.
But, um, yeah, so I'm starting to think that maybe the hormones, like, were not the best idea for me.
But I'm-I'm not ragging on hormones and egg donation, in general.
Like, it's a wonderful thing.
But, like, for me, in particular.
Uh, that should've been obvious.
We shouldn't be discussing anything major until Dr.
Shin gets here.
Actually, guys, so, don't-don't tell Dr.
Shin anything that I just told you because I didn't check with him about this whole egg donation thing.
I knew he would say it was a bad idea and I thought I could just SASSY my way through it.
Is GASSY a thing? Because I sit next to you and it seems like you eat a lot of cruciferous veggies.
Guys, look, I know I'm super hormonal and irrational and rage-fueled right now, but I you know what? This takeover was a good idea.
It's a worthy cause.
Yes, I know I was partly doing it because of Nathaniel and his Insta-whore, but I really care about these people.
You know, I-I care about all those yutzes and-and he doesn't.
I would be so much better of a boss, and now I don't have the money to buy the shares, and I've had such a tough year and I just want to fight for the little guy.
You know? I want to, I want to battle the corporate machine.
- Yeah! - Guys, guys, shut up.
(chuckles) Dr.
Shin is coming.
Oh, guys, please, please, don't tell him anything.
Okay? Don't tell him anything.
Right? Borderlines go! Ew.
(sighs) - Hey, Heather.
- Hey.
It's good to see you.
How's the program going? Ah, I miss this place.
The smell of the fries, the sound of the fries, the heat from the fries.
You want some fries? Yeah.
Thanks.
Gross.
This place used to be my playground.
It's still a playground.
I mean, it's literally a playground.
Chris, I don't know what to do.
Me, neither.
Both of my parents are drunk and I don't have a ride home.
That's what I said.
(sighs) - BERT: Have a good week.
- RICK: Yeah, next week.
See you next week.
(sighs) Rebecca.
Oh, my God, Bert, I can't thank you enough for covering for me.
I mean, God, you spent that whole session talking about chemtrails.
Governments use aircraft fumes to spray us with sedatives.
- Okay.
- That's why Americans are all so sleepy.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you this.
Few people know this about me, but I am a Bitcoin thousandaire.
Okay, wow.
Uh, what? Yeah, so I have all this money and nothing to spend it on.
These fishing vests last a lifetime, especially if you never fish.
What are you saying? I'm saying I'll give you the money for your firm.
- (gasps) - I'll be a silent partner, and you can control the shares; you can do whatever you want.
Oh, my God, Bert, Bert, you you have no idea what this means to me.
I mean, why would you even do this? Well, I like how you look out for the little guy.
And to tell you the truth, I also need a tax break.
Oh, God, Bert, thank you, thank you so much.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, just don't squeeze too hard.
Ooh.
Just, oh, just my boobs.
- They're giant melons of pain.
- I'm sorry.
You've also got a pretty big zit on your chin.
I'm aware.
What? Oh, of course.
Okay.
What is going on? What's going on is that you are no longer the senior partner at this firm.
I found a semi-wealthy semi-friend to buy the voided shares, and he and Darryl have designated me as the proxy to make all the decisions.
- So, I am now your superior.
- Superior? - You're not a man.
- Ah, things are gonna be a lot different around here, Nathaniel.
Mm-mm-mm.
30-hour workweeks, mandatory nap breaks, - two-hour lunches.
- Oh, what's going on? Here, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Get this garbage out of my office.
Excuse me, that's not garbage.
That's Gloria.
Estefan? No, Gloria Steinem and you knew that.
And this is our office now.
See, Darryl is about to have a baby, courtesy of me and my powerful ovaries.
So, get comfy.
'Cause I'm moving in with you.
FRANK: So, in the next four years, we will have five new sites and 16 new menu items Hey, Frank.
Heather.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you during whatever this boring thing is that you're doing.
Is this the refreshing person you told us about? Dessert tapas.
- (murmuring) - HEATHER: Yes, that's me.
Dessert tapas.
So, I came here to quit, because I hate offices and conference rooms and undergarments, but no, I don't want to quit, because you guys definitely need diversity.
And I don't just mean people of color, which you also desperately need.
It's, like, creepily homogenous in this place.
But I also mean, like, people who have good, out-of-the-box ideas.
I want to go where I'm needed.
I actually love the Home Bases, like, a lot, and I want to make them all better.
Like, from top to bottom, not just in one area.
So I'd like to be transferred to the store management trainee program where I can start to manage stores on site.
We don't have that program.
But we should.
I make a motion to start one.
You can just do that? Of course.
I just need someone to second it.
- Second it.
And third.
- (member chuckles) What a board meeting.
I might make love to my wife tonight.
Lucky woman.
Yeah.
She's really lucky.
- Sure is.
- (sighs): Wow.
HEATHER: So, now, at long last, I know who I am.
I'm not a student.
I'm a regional manager.
I get to boss people around at three San Gabriel Valley Home Bases.
- Wow.
(chuckles) - (chuckles) Yeah.
Of course, the West Covina Home Base will be my home base Home Base.
So you're basically Kevin's boss now? (chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah.
That's weird.
God, I just feel like everything's come together in this cool and unexpected way.
And so now I don't know I feel ready to take our thing to the next level, too.
Really? Yeah.
I was thinking maybe you could move in? But I know you're happy here being besties with your mom.
(laughing) I can't believe this thing's, like, a large.
But it looks so good.
I'm so happy to do that for you.
No.
I - So sweet of you.
- Aw.
We're gonna go see Metallica.
- Uh, we might be home late.
- Mm.
- S Bye.
- Bye! - (chuckles) I'm so excited.
- JOSH: I know.
Bye.
- (door shuts) - Yeah, about my mom (sighs) For the last few days, I've seen Josh become her best friend, and it's not a good look for him.
Or me.
It's time for me to move out.
Good job, baby.
KEVIN: Welcome home, Regional Manager.
I was so happy when I heard the news, I went out - and got you a little present.
- What? Kevin, you didn't have to get me anything.
Yes, I did.
When last we spoke, I was being insensitive.
Since then, I've gone through extensive online training in racial sensitivity.
- What? - I got you this gift to say congrats on the new job and also to say I'm "sari.
" Kevin, I'm not Indian.
I get that a lot, but my mom's white, my dad's black.
That's what I am.
I'm half-black, half-white.
100% Michigan.
No.
What have I done? I don't know, but even if I were Indian, like, not the right move at all here.
I'm so ashamed! And so hot! - No Oh, it's happening.
- (grunting) - Okay, no.
Uh - (panting, sniffs) (exhales) Oh.
Your new rule about mandated undershirts is a good idea.
(sighs) (Darryl sighs) Any minute, they're gonna call and tell us how the surrogate implantation is going.
Oh, my God.
Can you imagine, carrying someone else's baby? What an angel.
It's amazing.
I know.
I can't - (phone ringing) - Oh! Oh.
Oh! Oh! - (mutters) - (beeps) Hello? Yes, this is Darryl Whitefeather.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
What? Hey, what's happening? What's wrong? Mm, mm, mm.
Yes.
No, thank you.
I und I understand.
The doctor was gonna put our embryo in the surrogate, and he realized that she was already pregnant - and she didn't know.
- What? (sighs) Oh, God.
I'm gonna have to find a surrogate in the next 24 hours or they're gonna freeze the embryo, which makes it way less viable.
I'll do it.
- Wait, what did she just say? - Sorry, hey, Heather? Can you can you come can you come back here for a second? What w What did what-what did you say? Oh.
Yeah, I'm feeling good about my future.
I can do a quick favor.
It's still just nine months, right? They haven't changed that, have they? 'Cause you know I love my hobbies.
Did you just say that you would carry our baby? Yeah, it's fine.
- Oh, my God.
Heather.
- (laughing) - Okay.
Moved in my beanbag chair.
- (chuckles) What-What's happening? Oh.
The three of us are just gonna have a baby together.
It's no big deal.
Cool.
Cool.
What? - Heather! Oh, my God! - (laughs) Yay! (insects trilling) Hey.
Um I've been thinking about how I've acted over the past couple weeks, and, um now that I'm off the hormones, I realize that my behavior has been, shall we say, heightened.
So, I, uh I apologize.
I know I wasn't the nicest person when you asked for your job back.
And the Raging Waters thing I was trying to get under your skin.
- (chuckles) - I'm sorry.
Honestly, we went in there for ten minutes, took a picture, and left.
You know I can't stand direct sunlight and people.
(chuckling): Right.
Right.
Nathaniel, I know that you think that I ditched you, but I really am just I'm not ready to be in a real relationship right now.
I really care about you.
I hope you know that.
And breaking things off with you was, honestly, one of the hardest things I've ever done.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
And, um I'm happy that you found someone else.
- Mona seems lovely.
- Yeah.
Yeah, she really is.
Great.
So I'm glad that we can just be adults now.
- Yes, exactly.
- Okay, good.
Um Uh Ah.
- Friends? Friends.
- (chuckles) Yeah.
(chuckles) (both chuckle) (moaning) This is a terrible idea.
This is the worst idea.
This is the worst idea.
(moaning)