Dad's Army (1968) s03e10 Episode Script

Welcome to Walmington-on-Sea.
Blimey, what a dump.
I joined the navy to see the world, not get stuck on the end of a pier.
What are you grumbling at? You got on free.
Before the war, you've have had to pay a penny.
What's the time, mate? - Four o'clock.
- Thank goodness for that.
Another two hours and it'll be ta-ta to sunny Walmington-on-Sea for good.
Who'll be doing this job when we've gone? There's a new detachment of matelots due in a week.
Someone had better send a telegram to Hitler telling him not to invade for a few days.
- There won't be anybody here to stop him.
- Oh, yes, there will.
The PO said the Home Guard are taking over for the week.
The Home Guard? Blimey! Gawd help poor old England.
Before we move off, I'll go through the details once more.
- Not again.
- What did you say? Sorry, sir.
I beg your pardon.
We've been entrusted with the task of manning the machine gun post on the pier for four nights.
Now Ahem! You'll observe that the pier has been blown up in the middle to stop the enemy from landing troops there.
I think you'll agree that we shall need a boat to get us from this point of the pier here to this end of the pier here.
Hear, hear.
That'll do, Walker.
Now, we have a dinghy, but it will only hold three people at a time.
We shall have to make several trips.
We need somebody to row the boat.
Permission to speak, sir? I'd like to volunteer to row the boat from that end to that end, sir.
- It should be somebody who's more used to it.
- No, let me do it.
Corporal, sit down.
Sit down.
- Frazer, you were in the navy.
You row.
- Aye, sir.
The plan is this.
We shall all proceed to the end of the pier here.
And we shall embark from these steps here.
You, Frazer, will take Sergeant Wilson and myself over first.
Then you will row back and pick up Walker and Jones.
Take them across.
Then you will row back and pick up Pike and Godfrey.
Row them across.
And then - Row back and pick up yourself.
- I shan't tell you again, Walker.
Now, what food do we have? We'll be stuck on the end of the pier all night.
Permission to speak, sir? I prepared three pounds of sausages and I cooked them.
Good, good, thank you.
I have the mustard, sir.
English, French or German? I think we'll just take the English and the French - Mum's made a nice fruit cake.
- I brought some apples and tomatoes.
I've got a bottle of whisky, sir.
Don't worry.
It's on the house.
- Oh, well, we shan't starve, Wilson.
- No, it sounds positively a gastronomic orgy.
- It does indeed.
What have you brought? - A quarter of acid drops.
They're my favourite.
Really? I'd never have guessed.
Right, I think that's all.
There's only Pike.
You must not wear a coloured scarf with your uniform.
Take that off at once.
Well, me mum says I mustn't take it off.
I get croup.
Croup? - Chickens get that, don't they? - Yes, that's right, sir.
He gets it as well.
Really? Extraordinary.
Perhaps he should bring some eggs.
- Nice little joke, sir.
Very good.
- Right, let's move as quickly as we can.
I want to get settled down on the pier before darkness sets in.
Now, men, pay very careful attention to the way I get into the boat.
Don't want anyone to fall in the water.
Understand? Right.
Now, you'll observe that I keep one foot on the ladder here.
And one hand on the post here.
The other foot is in the boat thus.
Don't jump about! Turn it round.
Turn it round, Frazer.
Turn it.
I wish you'd make up your mind what way you want to get in the boat.
- Will you keep the boat still, Frazer?! - I'm keeping it as still as I can.
- Get yer foot out o' ma face.
- Oi, oi, oi.
Pay attention to Mr Mainwaring getting into the boat.
Don't want anyone to fall in the water.
Move over, Frazer.
I can't get in.
How can I move over? I'm the one who's supposed to be doing the rowing.
Agh! You kicked me in the stomach, you stupid Sassenach! How dare you speak to me like that?! Take this man's name, Wilson.
Come in, number 27! Your time is up! Walker! Walker, report to me in the amusement arcade.
Come on, sir.
Just a bit more, sir.
That's it.
There you are, sir.
Well done.
Right.
Thank you, Wilson.
Go back for the others, Frazer! Get them in the boat properly this time! Ach! Gang awa' and die, ye slanty, gubberly git, ye! - What did he say? - I have no idea.
Must have been in Gaelic.
- Whatever it was in, it sounded very rude.
- Very nasty indeed.
Unpleasant, I thought.
Ah.
- Oh, well, this is all right, isn't it? - Yes, it is, sir.
It's absolutely delightful.
Ah.
- We'll set up the machine gun out here.
- Right, sir.
- And we'll take it in turns to go on watch.
- Right, sir.
Oh, I say! A hammock here.
- Good.
I'll take that.
- Oh, now, really, sir.
- What's the matter? - I protest.
Just because you're the officer.
Not, ''May I take the hammock?'' Or, ''Do you mind if I take the hammock?'' You strut over there, put your hand on it and say, ''I'm taking that.
'' It's just the sort of behaviour I cannot stand.
I'm very sorry, Wilson.
Perhaps it was a little unthinking of me.
A little undemocratic.
- But I don't take advantage of my position.
- Oh, really, sir? We shall take it in turns, and I shall use it first.
- Ah, Walker.
Good crossing? - Sea's getting a bit choppy, sir.
Do you mind if I sit down, sir? I feel a little queer.
Oh, there's no time for that.
Set the gun up outside.
Go on, Walker.
On the sandbag.
And see that it's covered up! Don't want the salt air to get at it.
If Hitler kicks off tonight, we'll be in the thick of it.
Matter of fact, I wish he would have a go.
- I'm spoiling for a fight.
- Are you really, sir? - That hammock looks cosy.
Who has that? - We take it in turns.
- Captain Mainwaring is going first.
- Is he? I am surprised (!) - Put the blackouts up.
And you, Sergeant.
- All right, sir.
Hello, sir.
Captain Mainwaring reporting.
We've taken up our positions.
We're ready for anything that Hitler can throw at us tonight, yes.
No, no, no.
Snug as a bug in a rug here.
And I can assure you, sir, that if Jerry does get past us, it'll be over our dead bodies.
Thank you very much, sir.
Goodbye.
That's the sort of fighting talk they like at GHQ, Wilson.
Here we are, sir.
Frazer and I are here.
And young Pike, he's tying up the boat avast.
- (WIND HOWLS) - Listen! What's that sound? It's the wind in the girders.
Aye, that's what YOU'D call it.
But to somebody like masel', that's spent his entire life at sea, it's the cry of ancient mariners lost in the deep.
Hark! There it is again.
Can ye no' hear their tormented cries for help? I did that speech at the drama society's production of ''The Lighthouse Keeper''.
I was the best thing in it.
I'm very glad we didn't go to see it.
- I've tied the boat up.
- Splendid.
Gather round.
I'll give you your orders for the night.
We're on duty here until 6.
30 in the morning.
The time now is five minutes to - To 2100 hours.
- No, sir.
No, no, no, no.
It's 2055, sir.
Yes, well, that's what the time is.
I've worked out a rota.
An hour and a half guard duty each.
You'd better take the first trick, Godfrey.
That'll be from 2100 to 2230.
Corporal Jones, 2230 to 2400 hours.
- You, Walker, will take 2400 hours to 2530.
- No, no, no, sir.
It's 0130, you see.
You start again when you get to 2400.
- All right, 0130.
- Only trying to explain.
- Yes, yes, all right.
You're first, Godfrey.
- Go on, Godfrey.
- Out you go.
- Go on outside.
Now, how about some food? I'm starving.
Where's the food, Pike? - I left it in the boat.
- Well, go and get it, you stupid boy.
- Who's having the hammock? - I am.
- We're taking it in turns.
- Oh, yes, sir.
Nothing like a hammock, sir.
It's all cosy.
- It wraps itself right round you, sir.
- Yes.
In Nelson's days, when sailors came into port, they used to take their wives aboard.
That stopped them getting restless, you see.
The trouble was, you didn't know who was in what hammock.
So they used to hang a leg over the side.
And when the ''cock-swine'' came in in the morning, he used to run his hand up their legs to see if it was a man's leg or a woman's leg.
Hence the saying ''Show a leg.
'' Ah, there you are, Pike.
Put the food on the table.
- Can't wait to get my teeth into your sausages.
- Just as you like them.
Brown and crispy on the outside and nice and pink in the middle.
Very tasty.
Very sweet.
Don't stand there, boy.
Put the food on the table.
I can't put the food on the table, Mr Mainwaring, 'cause I haven't got it.
- You've left it behind? - No, sir, I brought it.
The food's in the boat.
- There's just one snag.
- What's that? The boat's gone.
Blimey, all that lovely grub! - You didn't tie the boat up? - I did.
There were two cables, one thick and one thin.
I tied it to the thin one.
- Why? - Didn't want to touch the thick one.
- I might get electricity-fied.
- You stupid I expect you've tied it to the telephone cable.
Just as I thought.
Dead as a doornail.
We're marooned, completely cut off.
No boat, no telephone, no food.
Fortunately I still have some acid drops.
Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
Sorry, Joe.
I'm sorry, Mr Jones.
I'm very sorry, Mr Frazer.
Well, I'm sorry.
I didn't Well, I didn't Sorry, Mr Godfrey.
- What about? - Get back on duty, Godfrey! Sir, I've got an idea.
Why don't we signal to the shore for help? - Yes, sir.
Flash a light.
- Ah.
Now, that's a good idea.
- Hand me the torch, Wilson.
- I didn't bring a torch, sir.
You didn't bring a torch? No.
Nobody suggested that I should bring a torch.
I remember telling you to bring a torch.
And I told you to get two spare batteries.
Sir, I've got another idea.
Why don't we open and shut this window? They'll see the light.
Yes, excellent.
You've not heard the last of this, Wilson.
Permission to speak, sir? I volunteer to open and shut the window so they can see the light.
No, Sergeant Wilson had better do this.
Come here, Sergeant.
All right, coming, sir.
- We're going to do this in Morse code.
- I don't know Morse code.
Naturally.
You were in the navy, Frazer.
You understand Morse code.
How do you spell ''help''? Just a minute, sir.
H-E-L-P.
He doesn't know.
He was only a cook.
- What do you mean, only a cook? I tell ye - All right, all right.
That'll do, that'll do.
- I know Morse code, sir.
You want SOS.
- Ah.
You go dot-dot-dot, dash-dash-dash, dot-dot-dot.
- Right.
Stand by the window.
- How can I do dots and dashes with a window? - You open and shut the door at varying speeds.
- Oh, I see what you mean.
- What was that again? - Three dots, three dashes and three dots.
Dit-dit-dit, dah-dah-dah, dit-dit-dit.
- I see.
Have you got that? - I think so.
You heard what he said.
Get on with it.
Dit, dit No, no, no, Mr Wilson.
You done a dah instead of a dit.
- You're ditting when you should be dahing.
- I can't help it.
It's broken.
- Come out.
Get out of the way.
I'll do this.
- Let the officer do it.
Bit chilly tonight.
Still, you're all right with that new uniform.
- Not bad, is it? I got it this afternoon.
- Why should you have one and not me? Look, mate, I waited a year for this uniform.
- I know.
I'm sorry, but - There's a light flashing.
At the end of the pier.
There it goes again.
Must be Mainwaring's mob.
They're on guard.
The Home Guard? Mainwaring? I might have guessed.
I've got to get out there.
I've got to get out there.
- But - He's done it on me.
I've got to get a boat.
Here, listen, no.
Those paddle boats are only for kids.
I've got to get out there, haven't I? It's Mainwaring.
He's persecuting me.
Come on.
I don't care.
I've got to get it out.
Hey, sir! They've spotted us from the shore.
- There's an object coming towards us.
- Good.
Won't be long.
That's funny.
It ain't half making a lot of splashing.
Hey! Put that light out! (SHOUTING) - Blimey, that's funny.
It's disappeared.
- Disappeared? It can't have.
- Can you see anything, Wilson? - Not a thing.
It's rather eerie.
- It was making such a noise.
- Permission to speak, sir? Perhaps it's a secret weapon.
Don't be daft.
Coming from the shore? A secret weapon wouldn't come at us from our own side.
Perhaps that's the secret.
(GURGLING) What's that noise? Mr Mainwaring! Come up here, quick! There's a thing coming up the ladder.
- Please may I shoot it? - Certainly not.
Leave this to me.
Keep as quiet as you can, everyone.
You You stupid load of 'ooligans! If I had my way, we would never My uniform! You've ruined my new uniform.
I only got it this afternoon.
Oh, do leave off.
What are you grumbling at? I gave you my whisky.
- Stop making such a fuss of him.
- He's the best bowler on the cricket side.
All right, gather round, men.
I'm sorry about the food.
We'll make the best of a bad job, stick it out till morning.
- Go and see how Godfrey's getting on, Walker.
- Sir.
Mr Mainwaring.
Come over here.
Come on.
Look at this.
- It's full of chocolate.
- I say, that's a lucky stroke.
- What are you doing? What are you doing? - Break the glass to get the chocolates out.
- Break the glass? - Yes.
- Have you lost your senses? - No, no.
We're not savages, you know.
We're a well-trained British army of sportsmen.
We're not Nazis.
That's the sort of thing that they'd do.
We'll get that chocolate by fair means.
I want a volunteer to use that crane.
I'd like to volunteer to do the controls.
- Right you are, Corporal.
I shall navigate.
- Sir.
Now, we're going to need some pennies.
Oh, dear.
I haven't got any.
- You, Sergeant? - I haven't got any.
- I haven't got any.
- I've got a penny.
One isn't going to be much use to us.
What about you, Frazer? - Did you speak, sir? - Have you got any pennies? - Oh, I have, thank you, sir.
- Well, hand them over! - Pennies My My - Come on.
It's for the good of the platoon.
Right.
Stand by, Jones.
Standing by, sir.
- Left a little.
- Left a little.
- Right.
- Right.
- Further to the right.
- Further to the right.
- Start lowering.
- Lowering.
- Lowering away.
Little to the right.
- Right.
- Here we go.
Here we go.
- Right, sir.
We'll get there, sir.
All right, sir.
All right, sir.
It's coming.
It's coming.
Got it! Got it, sir! Blast it! You rotten thing.
- Let me have a try.
- No, no.
- It's my pennies! - That's not fair, sir! - I was controlling that thing.
- All right, all right.
Right, go on, Frazer.
Left a little.
Left a little further.
Listen, I can manage this thing all by my masel'.
I don't want any interference.
You understand? No interference.
I shall be waiting As the days go slowly by - Well, that's the last penny.
- Oh, no! Not one and sixpence gone! - 18 pennies! 36 halfpennies - Don't make a fuss.
It wasnae your money.
- Godfrey was asleep on duty, so I shot him.
- Good.
- What's going on here, then? - We're trying to get the chocolate out.
Oh, is that all? Hang on.
Stand back.
Yeah, that's it.
Right.
Hang on.
There we go.
Cop hold of that.
- That's stealing! - Not really, sir.
We put one and sixpence into the machine.
There is a war on.
Perhaps you're right.
You take this.
It was your money, Frazer.
- Hand them round.
- What about me? Tuck in, men.
Some of this chocolate must be two years old.
What's it like, Frazer? Notnot bad.
A wee bit hard, maybe, but not bad.
Not at all bad.
Phooah! Sir, this chocolate's all dummies, look.
It's cardboard.
Mine's all right.
(WARDEN, DRUNKENLY) # Ah, sweet mystery of life At last I've found thee (DRUNKEN SINGING) How dare you keep everybody awake? Shut up! Don't you tell me to shut up! - Cover him up.
He's revolting.
- Revolting, am I? Right, come on.
Come on, fatso! I'm going to have it out with you, fatso! Warden! Warden! Try not to be quite so excitable, for heaven's sake.
Don't upset him, sir.
He's our best bowler.
Get him in the hammock.
Keep him covered up.
- Close arrest, sir? - The trouble is, nobody loves me.
- Oh, we do, Warden.
- Just 'cause I tell everyone to put their light out.
I say, ''Put that light out!'' I say, ''Put that light out!'' What a very nasty little scene, sir.
What do you expect from a tradesman? Deep in the night No moon tonight Blimey! That tide's coming up a bit high.
Cor! Blimey, what's that? I don't like the look of that thing.
It's a big black round thing.
What's that? Mr Mainwaring? - Mr Mainwaring - Carefully does it, Mavis.
- Mr Mainwaring - (MUTTERS) - Mr Mainwaring.
- Yes, Jones? Permission to wake you up, sir? - What time is it? - It's quarter to six hours, sir.
- What's the matter? - There's something under the pier I don't like.
I wonder if you'll be good enough to follow me, sir, and I'll show you.
Come this way, sir.
Over here, sir.
Yes, that's right, sir.
It's down there.
Now, look.
You look down between these boards.
- I'm in no mood for practical jokes, Jones.
- No, sir.
It wasn't one of those, sir.
Look.
Look down there, sir.
Look.
Look, sir.
- What's that big black thing, sir? - Good heavens! It can't be.
It is.
- What, sir? - It's a mine.
Come on.
No time to lose.
Grab a boathook on your way out.
- Wake the men up.
- Right, sir.
Don't panic! Don't panic! There's a mine under the pier! Don't panic! Get boathooks! Come on, show a leg! Show a leg! Come on! Come on, follow me! Don't panic! Right, men, follow me! Quickly! What we've got to do, Jones, is fend it off these girders, or we'll be blown sky-high.
- Yes, sir.
- Push it off! I'm trying to, but my pole's too short.
It's coming round this other way.
Hey! Come on! Hey! What do you think you're doing? What? - Trying to stop this bomb from exploding.
- This is an ARP matter and I'm in charge.
- Come on, give me that.
- What are you doing? Blimey, it's following him.
It must be a magnetic mine.
It's his tin hat.
Get it off! Get it off! Take your helmet off! Look, sir.
It's drifting out to sea.
Quick, up on deck.
We've got to blow that thing up before it does any damage.
Give us a hand up! Wait for me! Frazer, you take the Lewis gun.
The rest of you, take aim.
In your own time, fire.
Look, sir.
It's drifting towards the shore.
Stop talking.
Go on firing.
It's going towards the Novelty Rock Emporium! - Keep firing.
- We've run out of ammo, sir.
Stand back.
Can't you even hit that? - I've had enough of you.
Clear out.
- Stand well back.
By Jove, Wilson, you were right.
He is a good bowler.
- He does even better with his clothes on.
- Really?