Dan Vs. (2010) s03e10 Episode Script
Vegetables
Where did all these farmers' markets come from, anyway? And what are all thosethings they're selling? They're called vegetables, Dan.
You should try them sometime.
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables! They have fruit, too.
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy.
Like an adult.
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan.
It's not healthy.
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and eight.
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well? No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me! Oh, right! I read about this.
In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week.
This week's "broccoli-palooza.
" Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles.
Everywhere.
(dan growls) Timber! Dan! That is not okay! VEGETABLES!!!!!! You can't have a burger without fries! It upsets the entire balance of the meal! No fries?! See Chris? It's not just me.
Somebody has to stand up for the little guy.
And him.
Eh.
I got stuff to do.
They've taken my fries from me! Wait, aren't french fries a vegetable? If you had learned anything from your lackluster public education, you would know that on any nutritional chart you'll find them under "carbohydrates" or "staple starches.
" Read a book without pictures in it once in a while.
I don't understand, Dan.
I'm starting a grassroots movement, Chris.
With no grass and no roots.
Enjoy your cauliflower! I always do! Here you go.
On the house.
Can I have a burger? They're not for you.
These people need help.
Their mothers told them to eat their vegetables, and they bought it hook, line, and sinker.
So it's a conspiracy? You tell me why virtually every meal has to have a vegetable side dish.
Nutrients! Lies and deceit, spread by the all powerful vegetable lobby.
Here you go.
So you're handing out free burgers? They're not free, Chris.
I bought them with your hard-earned money.
And once these vegetable consumers taste the superior foodstuff of Burgerphile, they'll stop buying vegetables.
Once there's no market for vegetables, they'll become worthless and we get our fries back.
Economics! Excuse me, sir? This is my establishment.
That's fine, son.
It's never too late to come over to the side of good.
Here.
Have a burger.
I can't eat that.
I am a vegan.
That's why my store is called "Vegan Vic's.
" You can shed that insulting nom de legume by eating this hamburger.
Here.
Take a bite.
Stop it! I don't eat meat! You don't eat meat YET.
But trust me, once your teeth rip into that charred, dead animal flesh, you'll never go back.
Sir, get that meat out of my face! I'm warning you.
(dan laughs) Sure, like I'm scared of some protein-deficient, pacifist hippie! I'm not a pacifist.
In fact, I'll drive a sharpened carrot stick through your esophagus if you ever come back here.
Wuss! NOOOO! (sniffling) I can't I can't believe he just threw burgers in the street.
He's a monster! His mind has been poisoned by excessive amounts of beta carotene and folic acid.
You were right, Dan.
This vegetable madness is out of control.
I'm in.
Okay, plan B.
We blot out the sun.
Vegetables need the sun to live.
Dan? WE need the sun to live.
Hey, guys.
Hey, beautiful.
What's that? Don't touch it.
It's an area-effect Genome Reorganizer.
Nifty.
What's that? You know how all living things on Earth are composed of a fixed number of chromosomes? For example, we humans have 23 pairs.
Ah.
So this machine gives you more.
No.
Less? This sounds like it could take a while.
I'm getting a sandwich.
Vegetables.
My arch-nemesis Think of it in terms of a deck of cards.
When you shuffle-- Wait.
With or without jokers? (sound of garbage disposal) Is that Sounds like our garbage disposal.
(disposal straining & clanking) Now die! Die! Die! Dan! Stop! How much of our food did you destroy? It's not food! I open my first mate's refrigerator and it's jam-packed with the enemy.
You, sir, are a veggie sympathizer! It's been so nice to have you visit, Dan.
It's too bad you have to go.
I don't have to go.
You're right.
You should stay.
You can hang out in the garbage disposal with your little eggplant friend.
Have you noticed that Elise is getting creepier? I realize what my problem is And yet, you continually refuse to seek help for it.
What are you talking about? Wait, what are YOU talking about? I was talking about how I've been playing softball with vegetables.
Oh.
Well, it's a little unorthodox, but I'm sure it's good for you to have a hobby.
Meet some new people Not literal softball, you infant! I have a new plan.
Put these on.
Uh, what's this for? I'll explain it after we steal the truck.
After we what? I don't like this.
What are we doing here? Back up whatever I say.
ID, sir? Uh, we're here to pick up ten thousand gallons of Agent Kiwi.
Really? No one's touched that stuff in decades.
Hey, don't look at me pal.
Orders.
We need it for Uh A school play! Ha! Good joke, Private Let me check this out.
A school play? Well, I'm sorry! I've never stolen from a military base before.
And what the heck is Agent Kiwi, anyway? It's a plant killer the military developed forty years ago to help them in jungle warfare.
I read about it.
And did you also read about the punishment for treason? Oh, yeah.
They can still hang you for that.
Uh, sir? Are you sure? Of course I am.
The person holding that ID is so far above your clearance level, you could get court-martialed for looking at her wrong.
Her? It's a guy.
I mean, a little guy, but Dancing Shadow is a master of disguise, soldier.
Now stop asking questions and give her whatever she wants.
All set, uh, Ma'am.
Here you go.
Finally.
"Ma'am?" They're letting us through.
Gift horse.
What effect does this stuff have on humans, anyway? You know, no one's really sure.
It's funny though- Ah! Gross! Guess we'll find out now.
I love the smell of bok choy in the morning.
(dan o.
s.
) Now to the farmers' market in Hollywood! We'll teach them to block up perfectly good streets on a weekend! Hey, Dan? What are all the vegetarians and vegans going to eat? Meat.
Like normal people.
Eat that, fascist! Dancing Shadow, you know we like to give you full autonomy in your operations Uh-huh But we do wonder why you've spent the last week systematically destroying the entire vegetable supply of Southern California.
I'm what? I've been at home, working on my new device.
(spyboss) Your ID was used to gain access to a military-grade defoliant, which has subsequently been used to destroy nearly every farm, produce market, and vegetable display in the city.
That's impossible.
My ID is right This has been so much fun.
We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself.
Where to next? There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area.
We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
What's Elise doing here? Dan! You are a dead man! Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal- weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important.
Friendship.
Ow! Jerk! Where's my ID? It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway.
I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done.
For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm! Let it be a lesson to you.
If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason! In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
And you! You're not hiding! Uh-oh.
First off, let me say "I'm sorry.
" Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you? Why do you ask? A rookie mistake.
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
That was our last can of peas.
I know you're all hungry.
But this vegetable shortage can't last forever.
I've placed a call to the last functioning broccoli farm in the area.
They'll send us a shipment tomorrow morning.
Stay strong, my vegan and vegetarian friends.
I don't know how much longer I can take this! Would it be so bad to have just one steak? Hey, that's not a bad idea.
In fact why don't we all just-- BAM! BAM! Thanks! Did you leave the front door open? My genome reorganizer! Oh no! Wait, what's it do again? (phone rings) Elise, I was just about to call you.
Have you ever thought of using lighter materials to construct your machine thingies? Just sayin' Dan, do not activate the Genome Reorganizer.
Well, I wouldn't have had to, if "Ms.
No-Fun" hadn't stolen my defoliant, would I? You don't understand-- I understand plenty.
This machine is something you don't want me to touch.
Anything you don't want me to touch must be dangerous.
Ergo-- Dan, listen to me: I will give you back your defoliant.
Just do not activate my device.
That sounds remarkably fair, Elise.
You have a deal.
Whew, That was close! Eh, I'm here already Well that was anticlimacti-- (huge rumbling) O-kay BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
FA-THER Huh.
It sounded like you just said "Father.
" IS THAT NOT THE CORRECT MANNER IN WHICH TO ADDRESS ONE'S CREATOR? Uh I mean, I guess.
THEN YOU ARE MY FATHER.
I suppose I did give you life.
You're welcome.
I gotta be honest, this is kind of a relief.
(chuckles) I thought you were going to eat me or something.
YES.
I AM GOING TO EAT YOU.
Wait, what?! WE MUST BECOME ONE.
IT IS ONLY FITTING, AS IS COMMANDED BY THE BROCCOLI GODS.
The what? That's poppycock! Poppycock! PREPARE YOUR SOUL FOR THE NEXT LIFE, FATHER.
Wait, wait.
One sec.
Uh I have some, uh, hollandaise sauce in the car.
Trust me, it'll make me taste a lot better.
HMM Listen to your father, now.
I'll be right back Ha! Stupid Broccoli! Just when I thought I couldn't hate vegetables any more than I already did.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM.
(dan o.
s.
) Chris! Elise! Open up! You've got to help me! Okay.
Good news, and bad news.
You turned on the machine, didn't you? No! Kind of.
Yes.
Look, we can point fingers all night, or you can help me destroy a twenty-foot tall Broccoli Monster.
That's what your machine does? Makes monsters? Why didn't you just say so? It doesn't just make monsters, Chris.
It also uh Okay, it pretty much just makes monsters.
Okay here's the plan: I drive around while you guys go get Elise's Genomic thingy Device.
Then you use it to kill the Broccoli Monster.
Easy Peasy.
No can do.
The machine works at random.
It could have just as easily made YOU into a twenty-foot monster, Dan.
That would have been awesome! Anyway, if we set it off again, it'll probably just make our problems worse.
You've got to help me! The broccoli creature wants to eat me! So, new plan.
We use the device to turn ME into a twenty-foot monster.
No way.
Come on! Monster fight! Ooh! Can we? We'd have no way to turn you back.
Even if you survived, you'd be a monster forever.
I can live with that! I said no.
But-- (broccoli monster o.
s.
) FAAATTHHEEERRR Uh, gotta run.
Huh.
Yup.
Great.
So Why does the monster wanna kill Dan, anyway? Interesting question.
In my branch of science, it's called the "Frankenstein Principle.
" Oftentimes, when an abomination is created, its first step is to turn on its creator.
What IS your branch of science? Uh, they don't really have a name for it yet.
(tv reporter) We're in day seven of our continuing coverage: The Greater Los Angeles Vegetable Shortage.
Or, Veggiemageddon! (tv reporter) The crippling vegetable shortage is causing a mass exodus from the city.
We're with local resident and proprietor, Vegan Vic.
We would rather go hungry than sacrifice what we believe in.
(tv reporter) There you have it.
One man's insane plan to starve to death for no reason.
Back to you, Bob.
That gives me an idea.
Finally.
BOOM.
BOOM.
BOOM.
Oh, sure! You wait until I push my car all the way here! Ordinarily I'm against wholesale arson, but (loud explossion) Dan one, Broccoli Monster-- RAAAAAHR! Aaahhh! YOU MAY HAVE COOKED ME, MADE MY FLESH MORE TENDER, BUT YOU CAN NOT STOP ME.
I can't take it any more! I need food! Hey, guys Anybody hungry? BAM! BAM! YOU HAVE RUN FAR ENOUGH.
Only because you've been chasing me.
AND NOW YOU-- (hunting horn) There it is! (crowd roars) I guess deep down we're all savages.
You're welcome.
Welcome? For what? I had that monster exactly where I wanted him.
FATHER! HELP ME NOW! So, who wants a burger? Why not? Due to the vegetable shortage they're serving fries again.
You don't have to thank mejust buy my dinner.
You should try them sometime.
What about me makes you think I'd have any interest in eating vegetables! They have fruit, too.
If I want something sweet, I'll have candy.
Like an adult.
Look, you can't live on just hamburgers and turkey sandwiches, Dan.
It's not healthy.
I'll have you know my grandfather lived to be a hundred and eight.
Oh? Did he eat only meat and bread, as well? No, but he MINDED HIS OWN BUSINESS! What on God's green earth is that thing? You stay back, deviant! Get away from me! Oh, right! I read about this.
In an effort to be more healthy, this month they're replacing the french fries with a different vegetable every week.
This week's "broccoli-palooza.
" Come on, we're going to another Burgerphile.
Uh, no, it's ALL Burgerphiles.
Everywhere.
(dan growls) Timber! Dan! That is not okay! VEGETABLES!!!!!! You can't have a burger without fries! It upsets the entire balance of the meal! No fries?! See Chris? It's not just me.
Somebody has to stand up for the little guy.
And him.
Eh.
I got stuff to do.
They've taken my fries from me! Wait, aren't french fries a vegetable? If you had learned anything from your lackluster public education, you would know that on any nutritional chart you'll find them under "carbohydrates" or "staple starches.
" Read a book without pictures in it once in a while.
I don't understand, Dan.
I'm starting a grassroots movement, Chris.
With no grass and no roots.
Enjoy your cauliflower! I always do! Here you go.
On the house.
Can I have a burger? They're not for you.
These people need help.
Their mothers told them to eat their vegetables, and they bought it hook, line, and sinker.
So it's a conspiracy? You tell me why virtually every meal has to have a vegetable side dish.
Nutrients! Lies and deceit, spread by the all powerful vegetable lobby.
Here you go.
So you're handing out free burgers? They're not free, Chris.
I bought them with your hard-earned money.
And once these vegetable consumers taste the superior foodstuff of Burgerphile, they'll stop buying vegetables.
Once there's no market for vegetables, they'll become worthless and we get our fries back.
Economics! Excuse me, sir? This is my establishment.
That's fine, son.
It's never too late to come over to the side of good.
Here.
Have a burger.
I can't eat that.
I am a vegan.
That's why my store is called "Vegan Vic's.
" You can shed that insulting nom de legume by eating this hamburger.
Here.
Take a bite.
Stop it! I don't eat meat! You don't eat meat YET.
But trust me, once your teeth rip into that charred, dead animal flesh, you'll never go back.
Sir, get that meat out of my face! I'm warning you.
(dan laughs) Sure, like I'm scared of some protein-deficient, pacifist hippie! I'm not a pacifist.
In fact, I'll drive a sharpened carrot stick through your esophagus if you ever come back here.
Wuss! NOOOO! (sniffling) I can't I can't believe he just threw burgers in the street.
He's a monster! His mind has been poisoned by excessive amounts of beta carotene and folic acid.
You were right, Dan.
This vegetable madness is out of control.
I'm in.
Okay, plan B.
We blot out the sun.
Vegetables need the sun to live.
Dan? WE need the sun to live.
Hey, guys.
Hey, beautiful.
What's that? Don't touch it.
It's an area-effect Genome Reorganizer.
Nifty.
What's that? You know how all living things on Earth are composed of a fixed number of chromosomes? For example, we humans have 23 pairs.
Ah.
So this machine gives you more.
No.
Less? This sounds like it could take a while.
I'm getting a sandwich.
Vegetables.
My arch-nemesis Think of it in terms of a deck of cards.
When you shuffle-- Wait.
With or without jokers? (sound of garbage disposal) Is that Sounds like our garbage disposal.
(disposal straining & clanking) Now die! Die! Die! Dan! Stop! How much of our food did you destroy? It's not food! I open my first mate's refrigerator and it's jam-packed with the enemy.
You, sir, are a veggie sympathizer! It's been so nice to have you visit, Dan.
It's too bad you have to go.
I don't have to go.
You're right.
You should stay.
You can hang out in the garbage disposal with your little eggplant friend.
Have you noticed that Elise is getting creepier? I realize what my problem is And yet, you continually refuse to seek help for it.
What are you talking about? Wait, what are YOU talking about? I was talking about how I've been playing softball with vegetables.
Oh.
Well, it's a little unorthodox, but I'm sure it's good for you to have a hobby.
Meet some new people Not literal softball, you infant! I have a new plan.
Put these on.
Uh, what's this for? I'll explain it after we steal the truck.
After we what? I don't like this.
What are we doing here? Back up whatever I say.
ID, sir? Uh, we're here to pick up ten thousand gallons of Agent Kiwi.
Really? No one's touched that stuff in decades.
Hey, don't look at me pal.
Orders.
We need it for Uh A school play! Ha! Good joke, Private Let me check this out.
A school play? Well, I'm sorry! I've never stolen from a military base before.
And what the heck is Agent Kiwi, anyway? It's a plant killer the military developed forty years ago to help them in jungle warfare.
I read about it.
And did you also read about the punishment for treason? Oh, yeah.
They can still hang you for that.
Uh, sir? Are you sure? Of course I am.
The person holding that ID is so far above your clearance level, you could get court-martialed for looking at her wrong.
Her? It's a guy.
I mean, a little guy, but Dancing Shadow is a master of disguise, soldier.
Now stop asking questions and give her whatever she wants.
All set, uh, Ma'am.
Here you go.
Finally.
"Ma'am?" They're letting us through.
Gift horse.
What effect does this stuff have on humans, anyway? You know, no one's really sure.
It's funny though- Ah! Gross! Guess we'll find out now.
I love the smell of bok choy in the morning.
(dan o.
s.
) Now to the farmers' market in Hollywood! We'll teach them to block up perfectly good streets on a weekend! Hey, Dan? What are all the vegetarians and vegans going to eat? Meat.
Like normal people.
Eat that, fascist! Dancing Shadow, you know we like to give you full autonomy in your operations Uh-huh But we do wonder why you've spent the last week systematically destroying the entire vegetable supply of Southern California.
I'm what? I've been at home, working on my new device.
(spyboss) Your ID was used to gain access to a military-grade defoliant, which has subsequently been used to destroy nearly every farm, produce market, and vegetable display in the city.
That's impossible.
My ID is right This has been so much fun.
We really should get hold of devastatingly toxic chemicals more often.
I am rather enjoying myself.
Where to next? There's one last broccoli farm left in the greater Los Angeles area.
We take that out, they'll HAVE to serve fries at Burgerphile again.
What's Elise doing here? Dan! You are a dead man! Okay, before you start in on one of your irrational "You-took-my-ID-a and-used-it-to-steal- weapons-grade-def foliants-from-the army," let's take a moment to think about what's really important.
Friendship.
Ow! Jerk! Where's my ID? It's in the truck! Go ahead and take it, I don't need it any more anyway.
I only have one more farm to destroy and then I'm done.
For now.
I'm taking the defoliant back, too.
But the last broccoli farm! Let it be a lesson to you.
If Chris wasn't involved, I'd have you arrested for high treason! In that case, I'm glad Chris is involved.
And you! You're not hiding! Uh-oh.
First off, let me say "I'm sorry.
" Second, let me say I don't know what I'm apologizing for.
We will talk about it at home.
Uh, you didn't leave the keys in the car, did you? Why do you ask? A rookie mistake.
Dan! Get back here! Let's get after him.
He has the keys to the truck, too.
That was our last can of peas.
I know you're all hungry.
But this vegetable shortage can't last forever.
I've placed a call to the last functioning broccoli farm in the area.
They'll send us a shipment tomorrow morning.
Stay strong, my vegan and vegetarian friends.
I don't know how much longer I can take this! Would it be so bad to have just one steak? Hey, that's not a bad idea.
In fact why don't we all just-- BAM! BAM! Thanks! Did you leave the front door open? My genome reorganizer! Oh no! Wait, what's it do again? (phone rings) Elise, I was just about to call you.
Have you ever thought of using lighter materials to construct your machine thingies? Just sayin' Dan, do not activate the Genome Reorganizer.
Well, I wouldn't have had to, if "Ms.
No-Fun" hadn't stolen my defoliant, would I? You don't understand-- I understand plenty.
This machine is something you don't want me to touch.
Anything you don't want me to touch must be dangerous.
Ergo-- Dan, listen to me: I will give you back your defoliant.
Just do not activate my device.
That sounds remarkably fair, Elise.
You have a deal.
Whew, That was close! Eh, I'm here already Well that was anticlimacti-- (huge rumbling) O-kay BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.
FA-THER Huh.
It sounded like you just said "Father.
" IS THAT NOT THE CORRECT MANNER IN WHICH TO ADDRESS ONE'S CREATOR? Uh I mean, I guess.
THEN YOU ARE MY FATHER.
I suppose I did give you life.
You're welcome.
I gotta be honest, this is kind of a relief.
(chuckles) I thought you were going to eat me or something.
YES.
I AM GOING TO EAT YOU.
Wait, what?! WE MUST BECOME ONE.
IT IS ONLY FITTING, AS IS COMMANDED BY THE BROCCOLI GODS.
The what? That's poppycock! Poppycock! PREPARE YOUR SOUL FOR THE NEXT LIFE, FATHER.
Wait, wait.
One sec.
Uh I have some, uh, hollandaise sauce in the car.
Trust me, it'll make me taste a lot better.
HMM Listen to your father, now.
I'll be right back Ha! Stupid Broccoli! Just when I thought I couldn't hate vegetables any more than I already did.
BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM.
(dan o.
s.
) Chris! Elise! Open up! You've got to help me! Okay.
Good news, and bad news.
You turned on the machine, didn't you? No! Kind of.
Yes.
Look, we can point fingers all night, or you can help me destroy a twenty-foot tall Broccoli Monster.
That's what your machine does? Makes monsters? Why didn't you just say so? It doesn't just make monsters, Chris.
It also uh Okay, it pretty much just makes monsters.
Okay here's the plan: I drive around while you guys go get Elise's Genomic thingy Device.
Then you use it to kill the Broccoli Monster.
Easy Peasy.
No can do.
The machine works at random.
It could have just as easily made YOU into a twenty-foot monster, Dan.
That would have been awesome! Anyway, if we set it off again, it'll probably just make our problems worse.
You've got to help me! The broccoli creature wants to eat me! So, new plan.
We use the device to turn ME into a twenty-foot monster.
No way.
Come on! Monster fight! Ooh! Can we? We'd have no way to turn you back.
Even if you survived, you'd be a monster forever.
I can live with that! I said no.
But-- (broccoli monster o.
s.
) FAAATTHHEEERRR Uh, gotta run.
Huh.
Yup.
Great.
So Why does the monster wanna kill Dan, anyway? Interesting question.
In my branch of science, it's called the "Frankenstein Principle.
" Oftentimes, when an abomination is created, its first step is to turn on its creator.
What IS your branch of science? Uh, they don't really have a name for it yet.
(tv reporter) We're in day seven of our continuing coverage: The Greater Los Angeles Vegetable Shortage.
Or, Veggiemageddon! (tv reporter) The crippling vegetable shortage is causing a mass exodus from the city.
We're with local resident and proprietor, Vegan Vic.
We would rather go hungry than sacrifice what we believe in.
(tv reporter) There you have it.
One man's insane plan to starve to death for no reason.
Back to you, Bob.
That gives me an idea.
Finally.
BOOM.
BOOM.
BOOM.
Oh, sure! You wait until I push my car all the way here! Ordinarily I'm against wholesale arson, but (loud explossion) Dan one, Broccoli Monster-- RAAAAAHR! Aaahhh! YOU MAY HAVE COOKED ME, MADE MY FLESH MORE TENDER, BUT YOU CAN NOT STOP ME.
I can't take it any more! I need food! Hey, guys Anybody hungry? BAM! BAM! YOU HAVE RUN FAR ENOUGH.
Only because you've been chasing me.
AND NOW YOU-- (hunting horn) There it is! (crowd roars) I guess deep down we're all savages.
You're welcome.
Welcome? For what? I had that monster exactly where I wanted him.
FATHER! HELP ME NOW! So, who wants a burger? Why not? Due to the vegetable shortage they're serving fries again.
You don't have to thank mejust buy my dinner.