Doug (1991) s03e10 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, HAVE YOU EVER
WANTED SOMETHING SO BAD
YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO GET IT?
[ laughing]
I'LL GET YOU, SIDEWALK SURFER.
PEACE, MAN.
[ gasps]
GNARLY!
Announcer:
WILL THE SIDEWALK
SURFER SURVIVE?
FIND OUT AFTER THIS.
AWESOME!
SMASH-O, SMASH-O
GOT TO GE
A SMASH-O SKATEBOARD ♪
SMASH-O, SMASH-O
WOW!
GOT TO GE
A SMASH-O SKATEBOARD ♪
LOOKS SO COOL
[ whimpers]
Oooh
And dogs love 'em too!
Smash-o skateboards
available now
at Punt 'N' Grunt
sporting goods store.
HELLO.
I'D LIKE A
SMASH-O SKATEBOARD.
HOW MUCH IS IT?
BUT I ONLY WANT ONE.
THAT'S THE PRICE
FOR ONE?
THANKS.
HOW AM I GOING TO
GET THAT MUCH MONEY?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
I NEEDED MONEY
FOR THAT SKATEBOARD.
I TRIED BEGGING.
WELL, SON, WE CAN'
JUST GIVE YOU
THAT MUCH MONEY.
JUST KEEP SAVING.
YOU'LL MAKE I
QUICKER THAN
YOU THINK.
LET'S SEE,
AT MY CURRENT ALLOWANCE
I'LL HAVE SAVED UP ENOUGH IN
20 YEARS?
SAY, DOUGLAS
WHY MOW THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY
WHEN I'VE GO
THIS FUEL-EFFICIEN
COFFEE-POWERED GRASS BLASTER?
BOLD, NEW VERY EXPENSIVE.
[ mower sputtering]
WHOA!
[ yelping]
STOP THERE, BABY.
[ crashing]
[ gasps]
I SAID YOU SHOULD
HAVE USED DECAF.
ARE YOU OKAY,
MR. DINK?
WHILE WE WRITE
A NASTY LETTER
TO THE MANUFACTURER
COULD YOU CUT MY LAWN?
YOU MEAN THE OLD-FASHIONED
WAY, MR. DINK?
I'LL GLADLY PAY
YOU, OF COURSE.
PAY ME? SURE!
THERE ARE THINGS
IN WHICH SCIENCE WAS
NOT MEANT TO MEDDLE.
HERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
WHEN MR. DINK PUT
THAT MONEY IN MY HAND
I KNEW JUST HOW I COULD
GET THAT SKATEBOARD.
THAT SKATEBOARD WAS
PRACTICALLY MINE ALREADY.
WHEE!
ALL RIGHT!
HERE YOU GO.
WOW, WHO
WAS THAT?
WHAT A GUY!
HE'S SIDEWALK SURFER.
[ cheering]
OH, DOUG, YOU REALLY ARE
A SIDEWALK SURFER.
SMASH-O.
HE'S A SIDEWALK SURFER.
I THOUGHT I COULD DEPOSIT
THE MONEY AND EARN INTEREST.
THEN, I HAD ANOTHER IDEA.
I LIKE IT,
I LIKE IT.
I'LL BUY IT.
MR. BLUFF'S A BUSINESSMAN
WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MONEY.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M STARTING MY OWN
BUSINESS AND
AH, I REMEMBER
WHEN I FIRST STARTED OUT.
I SINGLEHANDEDLY WROTE
THE BUMPER STICKERS.
THEN I SAID WAIT A MINUTE,
I'M RICH.
SO I HIRED PEOPLE
TO DO IT FOR ME
AND HERE I AM TODAY.
IF I HIRE PEOPLE TO HELP ME,
THE MONEY WILL ROLL IN.
[ whimpers]
[ humming]
OH, HEY, DOUG.
ISN'T HANGING
OUT GREAT?
JUST DRINKING LEMONADE,
READING COMIC BOOKS
AND WATCHING
THE GRASS GROW.
I GUESS I COULD DO THIS FOREVER.
[ slurping]
YOU WANT TO WORK FOR ME
CUTTING LAWNS INSTEAD?
COOL.
ICE-COLD LEMONADE?
COMPUTER VIRUS HEALED?
WE'RE SAVING FOR A DIGITAL
AUDIO SYNTHESIZER CARD.
IT MAKES
COMPUTER GAMES
SOUND MORE REAL
TO FURTHER
BLUR THE LINE
BETWEEN REALITY
AND COMPUTER.
UNTIL BOTH ARE ONE.
ARE YOU MAKING MUCH?
NOPE.
PEOPLE MAY BE INTIMIDATED
BY US.
OR NOT THIRSTY.
WOULD YOU LIKE
TO MAKE REAL MONEY?
[ grunts]
[ yelps]
[ burps]
AND THAT'S HOW OUR LAWN
CARE BUSINESS WAS BORN.
NOW THE MONEY WAS ROLLING IN
BUT IT ROLLED
RIGHT BACK OUT AGAIN.
[ growls]
I HAD TO FIND A WAY
TO MAKE MONEY FASTER.
SMASH-O, SMASH-O.
"TO INCREASE YOUR REVENUE,
EXPAND YOUR MARKET."
THESE PINS HERE ARE
OUR CUSTOMERS.
WHAT DOES ALL THIS
UNTOUCHED MAP MEAN?
THE MAP'S TOO BIG?
NO, WE GOT TO EXPAND.
"4 GUYS & A DOG
LAWN CARE"?
[ lawn mowers humming]
EVERYTHING WAS
WORKING PERFECTLY.
WELL, ALMOST.
[ burps]
WE'RE DOING
GOOD, GUYS.
IF WE CAN JUST KEEP EXPANDING
AT THIS RATE.
Doug:
MORTY, YOU'RE KILLING ME.
I WANT TWICE
WHAT HE'S OFFERING.
YOUR STOCKBROKER?
MY COMIC BOOK BROKER.
THE EMPEROR'S ROCK GARDEN
NEEDS A WASH AND POLISH
SO TAKE THE JET.
SURE, D.F.
YEAH, BEEBE, HOLD MY CALLS.
I'M GOING OUT TO LUNCH.
WHAT SHOULD I RIDE TODAY?
HOW ABOUT GOING
TO THE PARK
AND HITTING A FEW?
All:
SURE.
DAD, WE CAN'T PLAY,
WE'RE WORKING.
[ grumbling]
OKAY, GUYS, LET'S GO TO WORK.
OUR BUSINESS GREW AND GREW.
MAN, I WISH WE
WERE IN THERE.
YEAH, ALL THAT GRASS.
I COULDN'T THINK ABOUT
ANYTHING BUT WORK.
I'VE BEEN WORKING
ON EFFICIENCY.
IT'S BETTER
IF WE SPLIT UP.
SKEETER, YOU STAR
ON MUMBO STREET.
WE GOT A JOB TO DO.
BEFORE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
HOW TO CUT LAWNS
[ speaking rapidly]
OKAY, EVERYBODY GOT IT?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!
SKEETER, YOU'RE
CUTTING MOO'S LAWN.
MOO, GO LEFT.
PORKCHOP, OVER HERE.
AL, 34 OLAY LANE.
SKEETER, NOW YOU'RE
CUTTING AL'S LAWN.
MOO!
[ panting]
OUCH!
[ all groaning]
GOOD NEWS-- I'M DRAWING
WORK MAPS TONIGH
SO WE CAN GET MORE
WORK DONE TOMORROW.
OKAY, HI
THE SHOWERS.
DOUG FUNNIE HAS BEEN REPLACED
BY AN EVIL ALIEN CLONE.
THERE MUST BE
SOME WAY
TO GET THE OLD
DOUG BACK.
[ barks]
WOW! ONLY SEVEN MORE LAWNS
AND I'LL HAVE ENOUGH.
HEY, GUYS, ONLY SEVEN
All:
DOUG FUNNIE'S UNFAIR!
DOUG FUNNIE'S UNFAIR!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE'RE ON STRIKE.
YOU'RE A SLAVE DRIVER.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
WE WON'T WORK UNTIL IT'S LIKE
IT USED TO BE-- FRIENDS.
AND NOT SLAVES.
CAN'T IT WAIT?
JUST SEVEN MORE!
All:
DOUG FUNNIE'S UNFAIR!
DOUG FUNNIE'S UNFAIR!
FORGET IT!
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.
YEAH, I'LL SHOW 'EM.
I'LL GET THE JOB DONE
ALL BY MYSELF
I ONLY THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT SKATEBOARD.
I WORKED HARDER
THAN I EVER HAVE.
[ panting]
I DID IT.
I COULD FINALLY HAVE
WHAT I'D WORKED SO HARD FOR
BUT SOMEHOW, I WASN'T HAPPY.
WELL, IF IT ISN'
DIRK, THE LITTLE
BUSINESSMAN.
MR. BLUFF, WHAT WOULD YOU DO
IF YOUR FRIENDS
WHO WORKED FOR YOU
GOT MAD AND WENT ON STRIKE?
DUMP 'EM-- YOU CAN ALWAYS
GET NEW FRIENDS
BUT NOT A GOOD BUSINESS.
BUT I LIKE THE FRIENDS I'VE GOT.
LET ME GIVE YOU
A PIECE OF ADVICE:
PEOPLE ARE EITHER
YOUR EMPLOYEES
OR YOUR FRIENDS.
WOW!
THANKS, MR. BLUFF.
Doug:
I GUESS YOU'RE WONDERING
WHY I ASKED YOU HERE.
I CAN EXPLAIN
DON'T TRY TO EXPLAIN.
I REACHED MY GOAL
BECAUSE I DID ALL THE WORK.
NOW I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I GOT.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE
HIS SKATEBOARD.
TA-DA!
All:
HUH?
WOW! TICKETS
TO FUNKYTOWN!
THIS IS TO THANK YOU FOR
ALL YOUR HARD WORK, GUYS.
TAKE YOURSELF TO FUNKYTOWN.
SPENDING MY MONEY
ON FUNKYTOWN WAS WORTH IT.
MY FRIENDS ARE MORE FUN
THAN A SKATEBOARD ANY DAY.
Doug:
NOTHING CAN DESCRIBE
ITS HORROR
Skeeter:
OR STOP ITS TERROR.
Together:
THE ABNORMAL!
ONE, PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
WHEN SKUNKY BEAUMON
SAW THIS
HE GOT SO SCARED
HE DIDN'T BLINK
FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS!
WOW.
BOO!
AAAH!!
AAAH!!
[ laughing]
[ growling]
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT SO SCARED
YOU WET YOUR PANTS
AND RUN TO YOUR MOMS.
DO YOU THINK
ANYTHING'S THAT SCARY?
OF COURSE NOT,
IT'S JUST A MOVIE.
[ gasping]
[ everyone muttering]
[ gulps]
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ barks]
I'D NEVER BEEN SO NERVOUS
AT A MOVIE BEFORE
AND IT HADN'T
EVEN STARTED YET.
[ screaming]
[ whimpering]
[ ghoulish moaning]
CONNIE'S THE
BIGGEST SCAREDY-CAT.
BOY, WILL SHE FREAK.
NOTHING COULD BE SCARIER
THAN SEEING YOUR FACE, ROGER.
BOO!
AAH!
HEY, DOUG!
ARE YOU SCARED?
NAH, IT'S ONLY A MOVIE.
AAH!
[ monster roaring]
WE DON'T KNOW WHA
THIS CREATURE IS.
IT'S A SHAPE-SHIFTER
FROM THE UPPER THALAMUS GALAXY
here to abduct humans to exhibit
IN THEIR GALACTIC ZOOS
FOR LITTLE OR NO PAY.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THESE THINGS?
BECAUSE, DOCTOR, I AM
[ as beast:]
ABNORMAL!
[ roars]
[ audience screaming]
DOCTOR, YOUR BLOOD
PRESSURE IS
ABNORMAL!
THEY ONLY SHOW
ITS SHADOW.
WHEN DO WE GE
TO SEE IT?
SHH! JUST WAI
UNTIL THE END.
[ gasping]
[ explosion]
THE ABNORMAL'S
IN THERE
AND I'M GOING
AFTER IT.
OH, NO, BE CAREFUL!
[ meows]
UH, HELLO, KITTY.
[ gasping]
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU.
OOH, THIS IS IT.
HERE IT COMES!
[ shrieks]
[ Abnormal roars]
[ screaming]
I COULDN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT THE MONSTER.
IT WAS THE SCARIEST THING
I'D EVER SEEN--
AND I DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT!
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU
[ trees moaning]
CAREFUL, SKEETER,
IT'S A SHAPE-SHIFTER.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT, DOUG?
YOU KNOW, THE ABNORMAL.
DOUG, IT WAS JUST A MOVIE.
[ gasps]
SKEETER.
[ barking]
[ Skeeter gurgling]
[ screaming]
SKEETER!
[ screeching]
WHOA!
[ moaning]
WHEW.
[ Abnormal roaring]
HELP, THE ABNORMAL!
[ roaring]
[ screams]
[ panting]
Mr. Dink:
OH, YES, NIGHTMARES
CAN BE TERRIBLE.
I USED TO HAVE THEM.
WHAT ABOUT?
OH, THEY WERE
[ sneezing]
[ yelping]
I FELL FROM A BRANCH
WHEN I WAS A KID
AND AFTER THAT I COULDN'
STOP DREAMING
ABOUT FALLING OUT OF TREES.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAD TO FACE MY FEAR.
I WENT BACK
AND CLIMBED THAT TREE.
THE NIGHTMARES STOPPED?
I FELL OUT, HIT MY HEAD,
AND HAVEN'T HAD A DREAM SINCE.
[ sneezes]
WHOA!
GET ME OUT OF HERE.
[ coughs]
MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST GET CABLE, DEAR.
MR. DINK WAS RIGHT.
I HAD TO GO BACK
AND FACE MY FEAR.
ONCE YOU'VE SEEN A THING,
IT'S NOT SO SCARY.
I STILL HADN'T
SEEN THE ENDING.
THE ABNORMAL'S
IN THAT BUILDING
AND I'M GOING
IN AFTER IT.
OH, NO, BE CAREFUL!
Girl:
DON'T PET THAT CAT!
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
Girl:
HE'S GOING
TO GET YOU!
HERE IT COMES!
[ monster roars]
I COULDN'T BELIEVE
I DID IT AGAIN.
SEEING THAT MONSTER
FOR THE SEVENTH TIME
WAS EVEN BETTER
THAN THE SIXTH.
[ imitating Abnormal's growl]
THAT NIGHT, I DREAMED AGAIN.
[ grumbling]
Abnormal:
COME ON IN.
COME ON IN.
NO, I CAN'
GO IN AGAIN.
I CAN'T.
THE MONSTER'S IN THERE.
[ demonic laughing]
[ thunder]
YOU KNOW THE SCARIES
THING ABOUT ME, KID?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I LOOK LIKE.
[ thunder]
[ Doug panting]
MOM, DAD, JUDY, WATCH OUT!
THE ABNORMAL'S COMING!
MOM, DAD, WHERE ARE YOU?!
WHOA!
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?!
HIDE, PORKCHOP,
THERE'S A MONSTER LOOSE.
[ Abnormal's voice:]
YOU'RE PUTTING ME ON.
IT'S YOU.
YOU'RE THE ABNORMAL.
GIVE THE BOY A PRIZE.
[ gasps]
HERE'S PORKCHOP.
[ panting]
LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!!
NO, I WON'T LOOK.
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.
[ screams]
THIS WAS AWFUL.
I WOULDN'T LET MYSELF SLEEP
THROUGH THE NIGH
AND I WOULDN'T AGAIN UNTIL
I SAW THE MOVIE'S END.
THE WORST THING WAS
MY FRIENDS KEPT TALKING
ABOUT THAT STUPID MONSTER.
WOW, THAT WAS
REALLY SCARY.
HEY, WHAT DO
YOUTHINK, DOUG?
WAS THE MONSTER TERRIBLY,
AWESOMELY SCARY
OR "OOH, I'M GOING
TO BARF" SCARY?
UM, WELL
WASN'T IT A SHOCK WHEN
YOU FINALLY SAW IT?
I WAS EXPECTING
A BIG LOBSTER.
I MUST'VE BEEN THE ONLY KID
IN BLUFFINGTON
WHO COVERED HIS EYES.
SO WHAT'D YOU THINK?
MAYBE LITTLE DOUGIE
RAN HOME CRYING.
I DIDN'T-- I WOULD BE SHOCKED
BY THE MONSTER'S LOOKS
EVEN IF I SAW THE MOVIE AGAIN.
SO AWESOMELY HORRIBLE
OR QUEASY NAUSEOUS?
BOTH.
THINGS WERE GETTING WORSE.
I HAD TO SEE THE MOVIE AGAIN
BEFORE EVERYONE FOUND OUT
I WAS A BIG SCAREDY-CAT.
[ gasps]
"STARTING TOMORROW!
SMASH ADAMS IN
THE STING OF THE ASP."
TODAY WAS MY LAST CHANCE.
IF I DIDN'T GO IN NOW
I WOULDN'T GET ANY SLEEP UNTIL
THE MOVIE CAME OUT ON VIDEO.
THE ABNORMAL'S
IN THERE
AND I'M GOING
IN AFTER IT.
OH, NO, BE CAREFUL!
OKAY, PORKCHOP
WHATEVER I DO, DON'
LET ME SHUT MY EYES.
GOT IT?
[ whimpers]
HUH?
Boy:
DON'T PET THAT CAT!
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!
HE'S RIGH
BEHIND YOU!
[ kids screaming]
COME ON, PORKCHOP,
LET GO OF MY EYELIDS.
DON'T YOU KNOW
I WAS JOKING?
HA! HA! LET GO OF MY EYES.
Doug:
THAT'S IT?
[ crowd screams]
THAT'S THE MONSTER?
[ screaming]
YOU CAN SEE THE ZIPPER.
[ barking]
THAT NIGHT I HAD
ONE LAST DREAM.
[ meows]
HERE, KITTY.
[ growls]
[ yelps]
HEY, ABNORMAL, YOUR
ZIPPER'S SHOWING.
THAT WAS THE END
OF MY NIGHTMARES.
AND WHEN I WENT TO
THE PARK THE NEXT DAY
AND WAIT TILL YOU
SEE IT AGAIN.
THE ZIPPER'S SHOWING.
ASK PORKCHOP,
HE SAW IT, TOO.
I DIDN'T SEE THE ZIPPER
BECAUSE I COVERED MY EYES.
YOU DID?
ME, TOO.
DUH, ME, THREE.
WHAT? YOU
BIG CHICKEN.
YOU PRETENDED
TO COUGH
TO LOOK DOWN
AT THE FLOOR.
I DID NOT.
A GUMMY BUNNY GO
STUCK IN MY THROAT.
YEAH, RIGHT.
IT'S LESS SCARY
TO FACE YOUR FEARS
THAN ALWAYS RUNNING
AWAY FROM THEM.
[ screaming]
WILL YOU TURN
THAT MUSIC OFF
SO I CAN GET MY BEAUTY REST?
THE ABNORMAL.