Empty Nest (1988) s03e10 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on bye.
Mrs.
bedlow called with an emergency.
Little Jenny had a terrible fall.
Well, come on, we ought to get her in here.
Not necessary, she put peroxide and a band-aid on her knee Everything's all right.
- Well, that's good.
- Not really.
She called back again.
She thinks jennie may have drunk some of that peroxide.
Well, that's very serious.
Come on, well, rush her in here.
Well, no need to.
Turns out it was lemonade.
Everything will be fine.
Laverne, why are you telling me all this? I want you to know the kind of emotional roller coaster I ride every day To help you understand the Genesis of my mild sarcasm.
Thank you for sharing that.
Laverne, please, who's next? Room one, sore throat, insisted on coming in without an appointment.
Oh, Laverne, we never turn away a sick child.
Hey, Harry.
Charley, what are you doing with my donkey and horse? Making mules, I think.
Charley, give me that.
Come over here.
All right, come on, Charley, what is this about, what, a sore throat? Well, I've had this pain for a while, and it's getting worse.
So, naturally, I thought I'd come see my old friend Harry Weston, or as I like to call him, Dr.
gratis.
Charley, I send you a bill every time you come in here.
Yeah, and I pass it along to my accountant, Mr.
big, fat trash man.
Charley, could you limit your comments to, "ah"? - Ah.
- Okay, ah.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Agh! Ooh, boy.
Charley, your tonsils are pretty inflamed.
Thank you.
No, no, Charley, that means you need a tonsillectomy.
What? Charley, there's nothing to worry about.
I know an excellent e.
N.
T.
Man.
What's that? It's a doctor who only treats ears, noses, and throats.
I don't want some quack who was too lazy to study the whole body.
I need somebody I can trust.
I need you.
Charley, I haven't done a tonsillectomy in 25 years.
Oh, come on, Harry, please.
I never had an operation before, and I'm scared.
Charley, come on, it's routine surgery.
Can you absolutely, positively guarantee me I won't die? Well, I mean, no doctor can do that.
Thanks for the pep talk.
All right, Charley.
All right, wait.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I will arrange it that I can be with you during surgery.
And I'll make sure nothing goes wrong.
- Thanks, Harry.
- Yeah, all right.
I'll send you your bill, Mr.
dietz.
Yeah, and I'll give it to my accountant.
Die, pig scum, take that.
And that.
And that.
I guess that bungles the clown won't be squirting his seltzer at us anymore.
Oh, hi, Mr.
Patrick.
I hate Mr.
Patrick.
Look, girls, it's Mr.
Patrick from next door.
We haven't had a visit from you in a very long while.
Well, maybe that's something to do with the fact that you westons are How can I put this? The worst neighbors a man could hope to have.
It's not enough, Weston, that your sprinkler gets my car wet after I wash it, or your nectarines fall on my pansies, or your friends' motorcycles roar off in the middle of the night.
This time you've gone too far.
Mr.
Patrick, take it easy now.
Whatever is the problem here, I'm sure we can clear it up.
I'm going to be a grandfather, and it's all your fault.
Mr.
Patrick, what are you talking about? I'm talking about him.
You.
You ruined my baby.
What? Heidi, my golden retriever Your dog has Had his way with her.
She's pregnant.
Well, what makes you think it was dreyfuss? I mean, look at him.
He doesn't even move.
I said he debauched my dog.
I didn't say he was a great lover.
All I know is my Heidi is two months pregnant.
Well, it wasn't dreyfuss.
He's very well-behaved.
And besides, everyone knows your Heidi is a slut.
Yeah, the way she struts around in that rhinestone collar She might as well be wearing nothing.
Well, I can certainly see where your dog gets it from.
Mr.
Patrick, I'm gonna turn on my sprinklers now.
Oh You saw me turtle-waxing all day, didn't you? All right, I'm leaving.
But I know what you did.
You know what you did.
God knows what you did.
Mr.
dietz, I'm your ward nurse.
All right! I'm sorry you were put in the pediatrics ward.
It seems that when admittance heard you were.
Dr.
Weston's patient, they assumed you were a child.
Well, I could use some mothering.
As I was saying, we'd like to move you to another floor, but all the beds are filled.
Mine's only half filled.
Mr.
dietz, don't make me shave you unnecessarily.
She wants me bad.
Let's play 20 questions.
Go ahead, Charley.
You start.
Do you remember the rules? Sure, I get 20 questions.
Let's see.
- Is it a person? - Yes.
All right! - Is he living? - Yes.
- Okay, I got 18 left, right? - Yeah.
Oh, I just used one.
That one leaves me 17, huh? Yeah.
Oh, I just did it again.
- Didn't I? - Yes.
Oh, darn! Okay, boys, visiting hours.
Gee, I forgot all about visiting hours.
Uh, anybody here for me? Sorry.
Don't mind me, guys.
Hey, hey, hey.
Your pre-op tests are fine.
Are you Charley's father? No, no, no, don't be silly.
I'm his pediatrician.
Hey, Charley, what's the matter with your parents? Why didn't they come? Hey, I'm a grownup.
But if I wanted, they'd be here in a second.
It's just that they're far away.
They're in the south.
Charley, this is the south.
Pole south pole.
That's where they are, the south pole.
I'd call 'em, but there's a lot of trouble with the phone system there.
You know South pole bell.
Oh, well Okay, Charley, listen, I got to get going.
Oh, Harry, don't go.
Charley, I've got other patients to see.
Oh, I just I'd like to chat for a minute.
Okay, come on, but just for a minute.
Right.
Tell me a story.
Once upon a time, there was a pediatrician who had one patient who monopolized all his time, and he couldn't see his other patients, and he lost his license.
- Then what? - Oh, Charley.
Oh, there you are.
What are you doing dawdlin' up here? The waitin' room's backed up already.
All right.
Charley, I'm sorry to have to put an end to Whatever the hell this just was, but I got to go.
- Oh, Laverne, wait.
- What is it? You know, Laverne, we never really had the chance to chat, to get to know each other.
Mm-hmm.
So Hail from Dixie, eh? Uh-huh.
I hear the old times there are not forgotten.
And I'm gonna look away now.
And after your operation, Norman, we'll have a big coming-home party for you, okay? And and you can invite all your new friends.
Hey, I can't wait! No, I'm sorry, but I was speaking about the children.
Aw, mom, Charley's cool.
He taught me how to undress women with my eyes.
Here, books are good when you're alone.
Dr.
burroughs Please, call 125 west, Dr.
burroughs.
Hi, ma? It's Charley.
Hey, I'm in the hospital for some surgery and Yeah, I'll hold.
Oh, excuse me.
Hey, Harry.
You're right on time.
Hey, look, everybody, visitor for the dietzter.
Ah, so glad you made it, Harry I've been dying to hear the end of that "doctor loses his license" story.
Charley, never mind that.
I got two people who really want to see you.
Would you come on? Let go! Charley! Good news I checked out your surgeon.
He has no priors.
Ah, thanks, Barbara.
Good evening, Charley.
Good luck on your operation tomorrow.
Hope you don't die.
- Carol.
- What? You told me to say something nice.
As it was, I lied.
- Mr.
dietz? - Yes? Your parents are on the way up.
- Really? - Oh, so they made it after all.
Ah, I never doubted it.
Oh, I'm really looking forward to meeting them.
- I wonder what they're like.
- Look at what they did.
Hey, ma! - Hey, dad.
- I'm shocked.
They're not dragging their knuckles across the floor.
How's my baby? - How are you, son? - Hey, I'm great.
Mom, dad, these are my very good friends, the westons.
Harry, Barbara, Carol, these are my folks Fred and Ursula dietz.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
Charley told us a lot about you and your whole family.
Don't worry.
It wasn't all bad.
Dad Anyway, Harry, I got to tell you what a treat it was that we finally Oh, my.
She wants me bad.
Dad Well, I hope you're happy.
Mr.
Patrick, will you leave dreyfuss alone, please? Leave him alone, like he left my Heidi alone? Thanks to him, there are now three new puppies in my house.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Sure, you can "aw.
" You weren't up all night witnessing the miracle of birth.
- Aw.
- Aw.
It's not "aw.
" It's "yuck.
" I demand an apology and that you pay all the veterinary costs, or I'm gonna take you to court.
Hey, you're wasting your time.
You have no proof.
As a matter of fact, I do.
That's why I'm here.
After I left the other day, I compiled a list of all the possible suspects and their alibis Rover Benson, in a kennel Fluffy shapiro, home sick As usual Francois Smith, the poodle down the block Please, we all know he's a little light in the leash.
Mr.
Patrick, this is all very interesting, but it still doesn't prove that dreyfuss is involved.
Exhibit "b," a strand of your dog's hair found on my patio Proof positive your dog was in fact in my backyard.
A single strand of hair, sir This is your smoking gun? Ha! I submit to you, sir, that what you have here is nothing more than circumstantial evidence.
Point one the alleged hair could have been planted there.
Point two the wind could have blown it into your yard.
Point three This isn't dreyfuss' hair.
"This isn't dreyfuss' hair"? This is not his hair.
You heard my surprise witness.
The defense rests.
Mr.
Patrick, I think an apology is in order.
And I take great offense that you're imputing our dog's reputation.
I believe that it could have been one of several instances.
I had never seen a match this close.
Oh, Barbara, stop that.
That isn't my Oh, my god, I'm losing my hair! Let me give you some advice, Weston.
I suggest this one get therapy And that one get neutered.
Neuter dreyfuss? Yeah, and how about that therapy thing, huh, daddy? Well Good morning, Laverne.
Oh, I'm sorry.
This stuff cracks me up.
Are you reading the comics? No, that William safire Whoo, he's a caution.
Oh, Laverne, have you cleared the calendar for Charley's operation? What are you sayin'? That I'm standin' here reading the paper shirkin' my duties Not fulfillin' my job description? Well, I quit.
Laverne, I wasn't suggesting Okay, stop your grovelin'.
I'll stay.
Welcome back.
Hey, look here.
Here's an ad for that cruise ship your neighbor works on.
You think he could get me a deal? I'm sure if you ask Charley, he would wait a minute.
Look at this ad Look at that picture.
Those people I think I know them.
Well, it says here they're in the ship's dinner theater show, Fiddler on the roof.
Why, you've probably seen them on TV or somethin'.
No, no, no, no, no.
You take the beard off tevye and the babushka off golde, and they're Charley's parents.
Charley's parents are actors on his ship? No, no, no.
They're they're not his real parents.
They're myron and Murray adler, stars of the saltwater players.
Why would Charley do something like that? Why would he hire actors to play his parents? Maybe his real parents couldn't remember their lines.
I'm gonna check this out.
Laverne, will you watch things here, please? What's the implication, that I wouldn't normally, that while cat's away, the mouse will play? Well, I quit.
All right, I'll stay.
Dr.
Hyde, outside call.
Charley, I wanted to talk to you about your parents.
Oh, they really appreciate you having them over for dinner last night.
Well, I-I'd like to talk to you about it.
You know, I bet for a while there, you and, well, the guys thought Well, nobody really cared about me.
Oh, Charley, that's what, uh, you were thinking, huh? Well, yeah.
But then my parents came.
So, you see, when the chips are down, I'm not all alone.
So what did you want to talk about? Just that your folks are great, and they really sure do love you a lot.
Uh, it's time, huh? - Here you go.
Come on.
- Oh, hold it, guys.
Can I have a second alone with the sawbones? Come on, Charley, what is it? I want to go into surgery with a clear conscience.
There's some stuff I need to get off my chest.
All right, fine.
Just hit the highlights, okay? We only have the operating room for one hour.
Right.
Okay.
Well, then we'll skip all that stuff about your antilock-brake system.
Okay.
Here's the big thing, Harry.
Those people you met weren't my parents.
They're actors.
I hired them.
Oh, Charley, that's nothing to be embarrassed about.
I mean, people are always hiring actors to play their parents and O-okay, no one ever does that, but at least, you know, give yourself credit for originality.
I called my real parents, but, uh They couldn't get away.
Couldn't get away, big shock Like they've ever been there for me.
Oh, Charley, come on.
I'm sorry.
I thought I was pretty much used to it until I got here to the hospital and Saw all the kids with their parents.
Doesn't feel so hot when nobody's there for you.
Charley, come on.
You don't have to hire people to to be your friends.
Come on, you've got me.
You've got Barbara.
You've got c You've got me.
You've got Barbara.
Come on, Charley, dear, we're your friends.
We'll always be here for you.
- Thanks, Harry.
- Yeah.
- Son.
- Oh.
We came to wish you good luck before your operation.
And you will come through with flying colors, like all us dietzes.
And why? Because it's tradition.
Now, where would we be without our Tradition? Hey, uh, stop it.
Stop it.
It's it's it's over.
Uh, son, you don't know what you're saying.
It's the anesthesia, you know.
Take a hint, hambones.
The show's closing out of town.
You mean they They, uh? Oh, you know that we Well, I We'll send you the bill.
Right, I'll give it to my accountant.
Come on, let's go.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
Ready? - I'm ready.
- All right, Charles.
Easy, easy, not so fast.
There you go.
There you go.
Oh, uh, one more thing Here's my will.
Your will? Dr.
Callahan, Dr.
Callahan, call 125 west.
Charley, this is all my stuff you're giving away.
Hi, westons.
You took care of the dietzter in his hour of need, and now it's payback time.
Charley, come on, you didn't have to do that.
Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't get these to you sooner, but it took a few weeks to find just the right gifts to show my appreciation.
Harry Charley, come on.
Ah, you're so Ooh.
Oh.
A plastic pitcher from the hospital.
You're gonna want to wash that.
Barbara Oh.
Another plastic pitcher from the hospital.
That one you're gonna want to boil.
Carol Oh.
Oh, Charley, what unusual earrings.
Thank you.
They're my tonsils.
I had them bronzed.
Oh, my god, daddy! Charley, get out! Out, out! All right, all right, all right.
All right, sweetheart.
Hey, it's Mr.
Patrick.
I love Mr.
Patrick.
So long, dietz.
All right, westons, the party's over.
Mr.
Patrick, we've been through all this.
You wanted proof, I got you proof.
Please, please, Mr.
Patrick here they are His puppies.
Mr.
Patrick, I've had it with you.
I've had it with you.
This proves nothing.
Those puppies could be anybody's.
Well, it could be a fluke.
Come on, we've All right, so a couple of flukes.
Dreyfuss, is there something you want to tell me?