Everybody Loves Raymond s03e10 Episode Script

Okay, Mom.
No, no, no.
You have a great time.
Okay, love you too.
Bye-bye.
Well, Ray, you're gonna get your wish.
Yeah? Should I shower? - Not that wish.
- Oh, come on.
You get to eat Thanksgiving at your mom's this year.
Yes! Ah! That's almost as good as my other wish, except I unbuckle my pants at the end.
That's always a good show.
What happened? Why did they back out? - They're gonna be out of the country.
- What?! Who leaves America on Thanksgiving? That's that's pretty unthankful.
They like to travel and see the world, you know? Unlike your parents, who don't go any further than here.
Yeah.
Where are they going? They're going to overseas.
What? What was that? Nothing, they're going overseas.
Tell me where.
It's not important, okay? And you don't have to make fun of my family all the time.
- I won't make fun of them.
- Yes you will.
No I won't.
Tell me where they're going for Thanksgiving.
Turkey.
Hey.
Hi, honey.
Want some eggs? Don't listen to her.
It's not eggs.
It's that fake egg crap.
It tastes exactly the same.
Yes, exactly like crap.
Why are you making fake eggs? Your father and I went to the Senior Health Fair yesterday.
Senior Health Fair? What are the rides there? The complain-a-go-round? Tunnel of gas? We had our cholesterol checked and the both of us are very close to the danger zone.
Mine was lower than hers.
One point lower.
I'm still gonna live longer than you.
What, 30 seconds? Uh, listen, Romeo and Juliet, I'm gonna borrow a garbage bag.
What do you mean borrow? You're gonna give it back? All right, I'm stealing a garbage bag.
- What the hell is that? - It's milk for your coffee.
- That's not my milk.
- That's regular milk.
Not in a blue carton, it's not.
Give me that.
Skim! - It's better for you.
- Don't give me better.
Look, it's not even mixing.
The coffee doesn't even recognize it.
If you don't drink that, I'm gonna What? What are you gonna do? Leave me? Hey, Ray, wait a second.
One moment, son.
Oh, Frank! Hey, gotta get another bag.
Your mother needs to pack.
Frank, the young man at the Health Fair said That stupid Health Fair.
I go in there looking for a chocolate cone at the drugstore, next thing I know I'm getting my blood pressure taken.
My blood pressure was better than yours.
But I won the eyesight thing.
So did you have the cholesterol checked to break the tie? Yeah and I won.
We're waiting for the urine test.
I could still tie if your father has high blood sugar.
Until then I'm eating what I want and I want real eggs and real milk.
Then you better go to IHOP, because from now on we're eating healthy in this house.
Give me that.
What are you doing? - Sour cream.
- No! - Bacon, cheese.
- No! - What, are you gonna rip my heart out? - Lasagna! Hey, I could have that one.
Butter a- ha, chocolate cake! And cannoli.
All right, there.
That's it.
Here, thank you.
Where are you going? On a picnic.
Out with the old bag, in with the new! And look, you never have to use butter.
They have olive oil in a spray now.
Smell, smell this.
- Ooh, nice.
- Mm-hmm.
You put a little of that behind your ears, Frank will be all over you.
- You think? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Pinky.
Hey, Debra.
Raymond, Debra's teaching me so much about cooking.
You're learning cooking from Debra? Yeah, okay.
So heaven is here, hell is here.
It's raining monkeys and wood is now a drink.
And look at this book Debra gave me.
"101 Healthy Things to Do in the Kitchen".
In this kitchen, the healthiest thing to do is, whee! Ooh.
Debra's cooking yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wish I had started this years ago.
I feel so snappy and peppy.
Ma, I thought you were doing this just to annoy Dad.
That's a bonus.
Oh, Marie, come here, look, here's that section How to Enjoy a Low-Fat Thanksgiving.
- Oh-ooh, a Thanksgiving! - Yes.
Oh, I can't wait to make some of these things.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're not gonna do this for Thanksgiving.
Especially Thanksgiving.
You're still gonna make the real food for us though, right? I guess I could.
No, no, Ray, your mother's not gonna cook two separate meals.
Why not? Huh? She loves to cook, Debra.
Who are you to take that away from her? - Look at this.
- Mm-hmm.
A tofu turkey? Yeah.
It looks good, huh? I would rather eat that page.
Oh, it says here you need a special mold to shape the tofu into a turkey.
No, you don't need a mold, Ma, okay? God does that, yeah.
He takes a whole bunch of bird meat and he molds it into a turkey.
Come on, Ray.
I'm quoting the Bible here, Debra, okay? Don't worry, Raymond, it will be delicious, like everything else that I cook.
Oh, I promise.
I'm not gonna leave out the most important ingredient.
Turkey? - Love.
- Love? You'll live.
Okay, we're ready.
Here's the steamed veggies with fresh lemon juice.
Oh, Marie, this looks fantastic.
And I'll be right back with the tofu turkey.
Mmm, is that what I'm smelling? Bring it on there, Ma.
Tofu turkey! I could be sitting in my apartment eating Beef-A-Roni right now.
Okay, come on, Frank, we're ready.
I pass.
Okay, Frank, listen, Marie has cooked a very nice meal for everyone and you are going to sit at that table and eat it.
- But I don't want to.
- We are not discussing this.
You have till the count of three.
One, - I'm not going.
- two - All right, all right.
- Good.
Okay, so see, this is a family.
Ta-da! Mmm! Kids, look what Grandma made! Huh? How 'bout that, huh? Look how it jiggles.
Yeah, that's a sign of a good bean curd bird.
May I have my carving knife, please? Thank you, Frank.
I wanna slit my throat.
All right, I got it.
I got it.
All right, what do you want? Give me a leg.
Okay.
All right, we've got look, we've got here's your choices.
We got the light light over here.
We got dark where the food coloring has puddled.
All right, just give me this.
It's not food coloring.
It's Worcestershire and beet juice.
Oh, see, that's very clever.
Why didn't you bring your dog, Robert? I don't think Shamsky would eat this.
Yeah, but we could eat him.
Go ahead, Robby, try some.
- What about Raymond? - I had some already.
- No you didn't.
- Yes I did.
- No you didn't.
- I did! I did, from right here.
You can't tell 'cause it morphs back.
All right, all right! We are all eating some.
Frank.
Swallow it.
Ray.
Ray! Go ahead, Robert.
I never thought I'd say this, but could you pass the broccoli please? Actually I think it's very tasty.
You just have to make an adjustment, right, Debra? Kind of starts out with an aftertaste, doesn't it? It has an authentic turkey flavor.
And the good thing is you don't fall asleep after this meal.
That's all I had left.
It's Jell-o! Shh, don't do that.
I'll get it.
Who could that be? Hopefully the angel of death.
- Barone? - Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving from the Red Bonnet Inn.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
What is this? A complete Holiday dinner with all the trimmings.
It's the angel of mercy! This must be a mistake.
You ordered this, Frank? Why do you assume it's me? 'Cause you're the one who wants to kill me.
Okay, but I still didn't order this.
Who did? Not me, Ma.
This melts in your mouth.
I would've left it across the street, but I can't leave perishables.
- Is there a Ray Barone over here? - No! Oh boy! Take this.
You don't want to have to testify.
Go.
Raymond.
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
You ordered this? Yes, for a snack.
For at my house later, later, after this delicious meal.
Come on, everybody, let's dig in.
Hey, you know what? We didn't say grace yet.
Huh? Come on, everybody, grace time.
Oh! Oh, Lord, bless us and these thy gifts - Ray.
- Debra, please.
which we are about to receive and you know uh thanks a lot.
Your friend, Ray Barone.
Let's eat! Oh God, is that chestnut stuffing I smell? What is wrong with you people? Can't you stop thinking of yourselves for one minute? - Corn muffins! - Hmm.
Do you know how much this has hurt your mother? I wasn't gonna have it now, okay? I didn't want to hurt her.
I know how she feels.
Hands off my bird! I'll take care of this.
You go in there and talk to her.
I can't talk to her now.
She's all upset.
She's trying to do something for herself for a change and the least you can do is support her.
Yes, isn't it time you thought of someone else beside Raymond? Yeah, thanks, Robert.
You got a little of my stuffing on your chin there.
Hey, where are you going with that? I don't know.
Maybe I'll give it to the homeless.
The homeless! They're chowing down in some mission.
Lucky bastards! Listen, Ma, you can come back in now.
Everything's better now.
Debra took away all the bad food.
I mean, the restaurant food, all right? So come on, come on.
Come back in, come on.
Come on back, Ma.
Come on.
Hey, is this your soy cheesecake? Boy, it looks great.
I don't want to eat that dessert now, 'cause that's gonna ruin the dinner.
All right, Ma, look, look, about the ordering-out thing No, I know, I'm sorry.
What? I know how much you love my Thanksgiving dinner and I should have made it for you.
No, no, you've got to stick to your thing No, you're my son and I let you down.
I'm sorry.
You know what, Mom? That's okay.
It's okay.
All right, stop it.
Stop! Don't do that.
You're letting me off the hook.
Don't let me off the hook.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, I'm supposed to be supportive.
No, no, I got too wrapped up in all this diet business.
And I forgot what was important cooking for my family.
Listen You're important too, you know? The special diet, living longer, whatever.
That's important to me.
You're sweet, dear.
No, look, you should do something for you.
And if this is what makes you happy, then you should do it and I back you up.
Oh, Raymond! All right, all right, now you back up a little.
- All right.
- Oh.
- Okay, it's all right.
- Oh, thank you, Raymond.
- This means the world to me.
- I know.
- Come here.
- No, it's all right, Ma.
- Let's go.
Let's get in there.
- Okay.
All right, everybody, we're having Mom's Thanksgiving! Save room for cheesecake.
Where am I? Ma? I had the strangest dream.
Oh, come on, Ma.
All right, I was hungry.
I'd offer you some, but I don't want to.
Mom, what about your diet? Come on, I was supporting you.
You said I should do whatever it was that makes me happy.
Yes I did, but You know what makes me happy? Butter.
Butter makes me happy.
Hmm.
Oh, mmm! This is good for restaurant food.
What about your cholesterol? The danger zone? I'm close to the danger zone.
When I'll get into the danger zone, I'll worry about it.
Besides, it's Thanksgiving.
Well, the least I can do is keep you from eating it all yourself.
Good, let's sit.
Come on, you wanna sit? - Yeah.
- Here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, boy.
You want some of that? Yeah, let me have these potatoes, yeah.
This bread.
Aha! I said aha! What are you doing here? I rolled over in bed and suddenly there was no great wall of Marie to stop me.
So much for your willpower! You gonna talk or you gonna eat? I'm in.
Hey, I was cruising by, I thought that I'd come Hey! I get it.
Put out the tofu and the Brussels sprouts for Robert.
Wait till he goes on shift and then party! Here, sit down.
Shut up.
Thanks.
Take breaths, Dad, take breaths.
You want some gravy, Raymond? Yep, yep, yep, yep.
- Okay, you want anything else here? - Get me another roll.
- Whatever you got there? - Here we go.
How's that? What's going on here? We're being supportive.
What about your diet, Marie? What's the point of living longer if you're miserable, dear? Yeah, I think that every day.
- Can I have one of those rolls? - Uh-huh.
This is great.
- Okay, I got one of each.
- Hmm.
This is great too.
Is it Thanksgiving again? Yeah, yeah, this is the good one.
Come on, pick them up.
We're gonna have some turkey.
Hmm, here you go.
- Gobble, gobble, gobble.
- Gobble, gobble, gobble.
Yeah! Cranberries! Did you try these? Have a little.
Take some of that.
It's good.