Ghosts (2021) s03e10 Episode Script

1
SASAPPIS: At this moment, I must ask
if anyone here has any
objections to this marriage.
Oi.
I do.
Is that
The stripper from my bachelor party.
Yes, I believe so.
Yes, Chris, the stripper
from Isaac's bachelor party,
you have a reason these
two should not wed?
I've got eight reasons.
Here they are, mate.
You make me feel ♪
- Is very good argument.
- I'll say.
Great barrier reef!
[CLICKS TONGUE]
[CLICKS TONGUE SOFTLY]
Oh, yeah ♪
NIGEL: Isaac. Isaac.
- Isaac!
- What? What? Oh!
You were moaning in your sleep.
Oh. I-I was, uh I
was having a nightmare.
I was being mauled by a koala.
How horrid.
I had a nightmare there were no
biscuits for my cream tea. Oh!
Well, no matter. Happy
wedding day, my love.
Oh, our wedding day.
[CHUCKLING]: Of course.
Huzzah!
♪
ALBERTA: And immediately following
- all the boring stuff
- The wedding ceremony.
I'm gonna be singing the song "At Last."
It was popularized by Etta James,
who was after my time,
but a lot of people are saying
I sing it better than her.
- Who saying
- A lot of people.
So, I hear you guys are a throuple now.
FLOWER: Some folks think
throuples are more complicated,
but in my experience, they're
just more of a good thing.
So, where do you guys want
to sit for the wedding?
- Thor like it up front.
- I prefer the back.
I like standing.
Yeah, I don't foresee any problems
with this situation at all.
Hey, babe, where do
you want these flowers?
Oh, Hetty, where do
we want these flowers?
Oh, in the living room, please.
Uh, in the living room, Jay.
Got it.
- Actually
- Actually
HETTY: by the front desk
might balance things out nicely.
Actually, Hetty wants
them over here now.
I don't like this system.
She's the wedding planner, Jay.
TREVOR: Would love to lend a hand
but, you know, ghost.
And where are we with the music person?
The jockey of the disc.
Oh, Jay booked a DJ online.
- He'll be here soon to set up his equipment.
- Oh!
JAY: Again, it just feels
like a big waste of money.
How come I can't play
music through my phone?
Because it's my wedding
and my fiancé is rich.
- Groomzilla.
- [SHORT CHUCKLE]
- What are you doing up here?
- Oh, just thinking.
I feel like I need to speak to someone
regarding matters of the heart.
Of-of course. I'm here for you.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh. Oh. Oh, you? Yes.
- Yes, I suppose that could work as well.
- Hey, man,
I had a girlfriend. Why doesn't
anyone ever remember that?
We remember. We also remember
that she left you to smell roast beef.
What do you want, Isaac?
Well [SIGHS]
I had a dream last night.
Another in a recurring
series of such dreams.
About Chris
The Australian stripper
from your bachelor party?
I am to wed Nigel today
and I wake up thinking of another?
What is wrong with me?
Listen, it doesn't mean anything.
You're just having cold feet.
You and Nigel are amazing together.
Okay? You're gonna be very happy.
So just put Chris out of
your head and enjoy today.
- It's your wedding.
- You're right.
You're right.
I just won't give him another thought.
Thank you, Sasappis,
you've been very helpful.
Which is remarkable,
considering your almost total lack
of experience in these matters.
Hey, I had sex 43
times when I was alive.
Mm-hmm. And that is a
very normal thing to say.
Man, this place is paradise.
And to be here with my family
I mean, that feels better
than when I got the Tomlinsons
upgraded to the presidential
suite at Sandals Jamaica.
Sorry, Reagan, the room's booked!
Ah, I know you can't hear
me, but it still feels rude.
Holy smoked salmon,
she looks just like Loni Anderson.
That's quite the compliment, stranger.
Cream cheese and capers! You're dead?
Sad but true.
Some jerk dropped his cellphone
off his ninth floor balcony.
Keep in mind, this was in '82,
so it weighed about 15 pounds.
[CHUCKLES]
Let me guess. Heart attack?
- [LAUGHS] That's good.
- [LAUGHS]
Why haven't I seen you around here?
Well, I recently learned that
I'm not geographically-bound,
so I'm on vacation
with my living family,
unbeknownst to them.
Oh. So you're here with your wife?
Wha No, no. My-my wife is dead.
I mean, I know I'm also dead,
but-but My wife is terrible.
I'm single.
Well
Hello, single.
I'm Donna.
[CHUCKLES]
FLOWER: Man, everything looks so pretty.
You know who would love this?
My friend who would
visit me in the well.
[QUIETLY]: What is she talking about?
Little secret to dating Flower
sometimes is best to just smile and nod.
Okay. Loving these
insider tips, big guy.
She was always talking
about butter churning
and her husband Josiah
and her insatiable thirst for revenge.
- Ah, yes.
- Sure.
Oh, hey, Nigel.
- Really excited for you today.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey, not to drag you into
our throuple politics,
but we're having a little disagreement
about where to sit or
stand at your wedding.
You care to weigh in?
Well, ha, this is rather awkward,
but Isaac and I have made
the difficult decision
to not invite any basement ghosts.
Hey, that's not fair.
What about Carol?
Isn't she living in the basement now?
You invited her.
I actually left the basement
and moved into the
shed with Baxter here.
We're very much in love.
Doesn't he sound like James Bond?
Thank you, Sasappis.
I haven't thought about
Chris once in the past hour.
I mean, other than in this moment.
But that was only
because I was telling you
how I hadn't thought of him,
which made me to think of him.
Great, man. Glad I could help.
Such sage wisdom, such
an unlikely source.
You know, it wasn't
just the roast beef girl.
I also sort of had a thing with Shiki.
Right, right, the 13 hellos.
Now bravely categorized as "a thing."
You are really hard to help, man.
JAY: Hey, babe, the DJ's here.
Where do you want him to set up?
Getting sweaty carrying
all this equipment.
[GASPS] Oh, my God. That's him.
That's Chris the stripper.
Are you sure that's him?
Oh, yeah.
That's definitely him.
So, Jay, Chris actually
was the dancer that I hired
to dance in front of an
empty chair for some reason.
[CHUCKLES] That's my
wife. Anyway, Chris.
- Let's check out that playlist.
- Oh, yeah.
The literal man of my dreams,
a sculpted dinosaur aficionado
shows up the day of my wedding.
That's not what I'd call a great sign.
This is just a weird coincidence
fueled by the fact that
small town freelance strippers have
to work multiple jobs to make ends meet.
I'm sure once you learn a little more
about this fellow, your
crush will disappear.
Like how my crush on
Fats McGinty disappeared
after I found out
about him tommy-gunning
all those people to death.
I also didn't like how
he was rude to waitstaff.
Samantha, ask him why
he was over an hour late.
That doesn't speak
well of his character.
Give Isaac here something
bad to latch onto.
So, uh, Chris, was there, like,
a lot of traffic or something?
Oh, yeah, sorry I was late.
My boyfriend had a car trouble,
had to go help him change a tire.
He's gay and chivalrous.
He's not getting worse, Hetty.
Oh, my God!
[GAGS]
Ugh. Jay!
JAY: Really?
You sure it wasn't you, babe?
Nope. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Sorry about the smell.
Jay's lactose intolerant.
Not a bother, mate.
I was actually born
without a sense of smell.
Oh, come on.
- It is getting eerie.
- ALBERTA: What does it matter?
This guy's alive. You dead. Who cares?
It's just
I didn't know someone like this existed.
CHRIS: Ooh-ee!
This is a great old-timey
mansion you've got.
Did you know there were
some Revolutionary War
battles around here?
I'm a bit of a buff.
You guys seen Hamilton?
TREVOR: Here we go. He's a Ham-head.
If this doesn't turn you
off, I don't know what will.
Yeah, it's incredible.
If you like that sort of thing.
Personally, I consider him
a lesser Founding Father.
- What?
- I mean, Federal Reserve?
Big whoop.
Like they weren't gonna
come up with that anyway.
[CHUCKLING] Eh, guy was a joke.
I need air!
[SIGHS]
That was amazing.
I do love a man in uniform.
Hey, speaking of very
specific fantasies,
you wouldn't be interested
in a little river rafting
role play, would you?
I don't know, Pete.
I bet the rapids are rough and scary,
so you'd have to hold me close.
[CHUCKLES]
Kiss me, Pete Martino.
- I love following orders.
- [GIGGLES]
- Ah!
- What? What?
My hand! It's gone!
Oh, no! Did a piranha get it?
No, no, no, this isn't
the rafting fantasy!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
CHRIS: Hey, mate.
How many people are we expecting today?
Uh [CHUCKLES] Full disclosure:
it's just gonna be Sam and I,
but we still want you to
DJ as if it's a packed room.
Okay.
- You don't find that weird?
- Last time I was here,
your wife had me dance
for an empty chair, so
it's not for me to question your kink.
- Thank you.
- [CLICKS TONGUE]
Just gonna run a quick soundcheck.
Might get a little loud.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
This is music?
How is anyone gonna
dance a quadrille to this?
They're really rubbing
our noses in this wedding.
Ghosts can't even eat.
There's literally no
added cost, no downside.
It's just personal.
Thanks for hanging
out with me down here.
- I really appreciate it.
- Hey,
if one of the throuple
isn't allowed at the wedding,
then none of the throuple is going.
Solidarity.
Although wedding is not
for another hour or so.
Still enough time for
one of us to be up there
fighting to overturn this unjust policy.
Right. I guess that makes sense.
You know, it-it might
be even more effective
if two of us were up there,
lobbying for the cause.
Civil action is helped by numbers.
So, you're both going up to the wedding
and leaving me here?
We will avenge you.
Peace.
Oh, unbelievable.
CATHERINE: Uh, guys.
Some lady just came through the wall.
Who the hell are you?
So, you're telling me
your starting to rethink
your relationship with Nigel
just because Chris has perfect abs,
loves dinosaurs, hates Hamilton
and has no sense of smell?
Are you trying to sell him on this guy?
Am I talking myself into this marriage
just because I want to be with someone?
I made a mistake once
before with Beatrice,
I don't want to make another one.
Far be it from me to be
the guy pushing marriage,
but you may not want to dump your fiancé
for someone on a different
plane of existence.
Oh! Sam, you got to come
downstairs right now.
It's the stripper. He's dying.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I came in here and found him like this.
Does this have
crab in it?
Well, actually, it's crab stock.
I find that a splash
of it really deepens
the umami of the guacamole.
- Nice touch.
- We don't need a cooking lesson right now, Jay.
I'm allergic to
[GASPS]
- Oh, my God!
- Someone call an ambulance!
- This man could die!
- Really? You think so?
I mean, really, you think so?
Because that would be sad.
Pete, you have to calm down.
We don't even know what's happening.
Do you think I'll
reappear if I go back home?
Uh, m-maybe it's like that
photo in Back to the Future.
I don't know, Pete. I-I've never
seen a ghost vanish
into oblivion before.
Oh, my God! Is that what
you think is happening?!
That I'm just gonna keep
disappearing until I'm gone?
Okay, Pete.
What did you tell me
about the last couple days?
That they've been the best
of my entire existence.
And what did you say you'd be
doing if you were back home?
Well, around this time, I'm usually
waiting for Sam to bring in the mail.
Oh, God, that's sad.
Pete, we're ghosts.
We make the best of our situation.
But deep down,
we're all just waiting for
the opportunity to move on.
Yeah, you could go home now.
Maybe that stops whatever is happening.
But look around.
If it did end here, now,
would that really be the worst thing?
ALBERTA: Any updates?
NIGEL: Well, the
physicians have arrived,
and it appears things are touch and go.
To help him breathe,
they had to cut the poor
chap's shirt right open.
Well, maybe I should go down
and see if there's anything I can do.
I'll go with you.
- My dear Isaac.
- Hmm?
You look shaken.
Let me put your mind at ease.
We are getting married
today, no matter what.
Oh. Good.
Chris is gone.
Really? Did he go right up
or did he remain a ghost?
Just curious. No reason.
What Thor meant is that
they take Chris to hospital.
They think he'll be okay.
Oh, that's wonderful.
I'm sorry, were you disappointed
that the stripper didn't
perish and become a ghost?
[LAUGHING]: What? No.
Of course not.
I see.
Well, if you'll excuse me,
I just realized it's bad luck
to see each other before the wedding.
Now, Nigel, don't run away.
This isn't the War of Independence.
[CHUCKLES]
Just-just starting with a joke.
Miscalculation. Like when
you tried to take Lexington.
[LAUGHS] I should stop talking.
One last chance to tell the truth.
Were you hoping that that stripper
would become a ghost and
live here for eternity?
No. Yes. I-I mean, my
temporary lustfulness
was merely a symptom
of classic cold feet,
and if I am being honest, in
the run-up to our nuptials,
I may have been overthinking
some of the imperfections
in our relationship.
Imperfections?
Minor imperfections.
Like how I revere dinosaurs
and you prefer ants
or I like carrot cake and
you slept with Jenkins.
We were on a respite!
Yes. What I'm saying is
these are all trifles.
Our relationship is steady.
Sturdy, like a trail ox.
You compare our
relationship to a trail ox?
Favorably so.
My neighbor sold his
daughter for a trail ox,
and Old Dusty plowed
his farm for 20 years
while Abigail grew up to
be a trollop and a drunk,
so that was a pretty good trade.
There is something to be
said for steadfastness.
I want to be with you.
Please, don't let a hiccup ruin
a marriage made for eternity.
Oh, Isaac, I can't stay mad at you.
Let us yoke ourselves together
and plow the fields of matrimony.
Huzzah!
See? We have been tested
and yet we emerge victorious.
Like the Americans at Lexington.
[LAUGHS]
I-I don't know why I'm like this.
- I am so sorry. To the altar.
- Very
SASAPPIS: Isaac Higgintoot,
do you take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband,
for better or for worse,
in sickness and in health
You know, a lot of this
doesn't really apply.
SASAPPIS: to have and to
hold, from this day forward?
PETE: Please, please, please,
please, please, please!
Oh, yes! Yes!
Oh! I'm back!
Completely back. Good to see you, buddy.
- Pete's here.
- Hey, man.
- Pete, what happened?
- Wow, right in the middle of the wedding.
I'm so sorry, you guys.
I-I just I didn't mean
to interrupt the proceedings.
I'll just quietly find my seat.
Pete, why was half of
you missing just now?
It's fine, Peter. Explain.
Well, apparently, if I'm
away from Woodstone too long,
I start to disappear.
It actually led to quite
an existential crisis.
Faced with the possibility
of fading into oblivion,
I realized how much I'd miss you guys,
and I had to head home.
- Of course, now I miss Donna.
- Who's Donna?
She was my Caribbean lover who was
the spitting image of
Loni Anderson. [CHUCKLES]
Every moment with her
felt like fireworks
the legally permissible kind
that are ignited by
trained professionals.
He may be a nerd,
but man, could he bring it in the sack.
It's just crazy. One
day, you're sitting here
thinking your afterlife will
never change and then, boom,
someone comes along
who upends everything.
You know when you're with someone
and you feel like your feet
aren't touching the ground?
That's what it was like with Donna.
Anywho, let's get you
two kids married, huh?
[CHUCKLES]
SASAPPIS: Yes, okay.
Where were we?
Isaac, do you take
Nigel to be your husband?
- I don't.
- Oh, my God!
The Knicks game just went into overtime.
- Is this wedding over yet?
- One sec, Jay.
You don't?
I can't.
I-I-I really wanted this to work,
but hearing Pete talk, I'm realizing
I think there might be
something missing here.
And you couldn't have
told me this an hour ago?
Well, again, the Pete thing.
I'm so sorry, Nigel.
At last ♪
My love has come along. ♪
ISAAC: Well, I just spoke with Nigel.
- How'd it go, bud?
- It was a difficult conversation.
I was called a Yankee more than once.
But in the end, he was
kind and understanding,
so now that makes me feel even worse.
Isaac, sometimes people come
along that serve a purpose.
And it doesn't mean you
have to be with them forever.
They just help you grow.
That was deeply profound, girl.
- What did I say?
- SAMANTHA: Flower's right.
It's hard to hurt
someone you care about.
But the truth is,
you just weren't ready
today, and that's okay.
You've been around for 300 years,
but you've only really known
who you are for a short time.
Thank you, guys.
And who knows what the future holds.
I mean, Pete had a fling with a woman
that looked like Loni Anderson
and I schtupped a poltergeist.
Kvelling over that proper usage.
And I famously dated a car ghost.
Until she left you to smell roast beef.
Again, just trying to help you, man.
ALBERTA: The point is
maybe death has some
surprises for you yet.
THORFINN: What you
did today, truly brave.
You inspire Thor to do
something that, up until now,
Thor afraid to do.
Flower?
Yes, Thor?
I do not want to be in throuple
because I only want to be with you.
And the reason is
I love you.
[GASPS] Thor just told
Flower he loves her.
Wow, we got big, big stuff going down.
That scares me.
But what scares me more is
- I love you, too.
- [CHUCKLES]
And she said it back.
Oh, ho! You know, it'd be a shame
for all those beautiful wedding
decorations to go to waste.
THORFINN: No.
We would not do that
to Isaac on this day.
Yeah, I guess that would
be kind of monstrous.
CAROL: Everybody,
Baxter and I have an announcement.
We're getting married.
- [LAUGHS]
- What?
Okay, looks like somebody
actually is getting married today.
Carol and Baxter.
Yeah, buddy. Good luck with that.
What? Who's Baxter?
He's very peripheral. It doesn't matter.
Dinner will be ready in a minute, babe.
God, I really missed Jay's
cooking down in the well.
Oh, I bet.
We're so happy to have you back.
You must have been lonely.
For the most part. Other than the worms.
And my friend that
visited me in the well,
attracted by the sounds of my screams.
What? Who was that?
Her name is Patience.
She's a lady that lives in the ground.
What? Patience?
That's that Puritan lady
Isaac lost to the dirt when he sneezed
and let go of her hand.
Oh, she remembers that.
It's kind of all she talks about.
She's sort of obsessed with Isaac.
I was told you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come in, come in.
We heard you didn't get married,
but we got you a little wedding gift
and we'd still like to give it to you.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] That is most kind.
You really should have invited
us to the wedding, Isaac.
He's here, Patience.
- PATIENCE: God bless you.
- Oh!
Uh, did you guys know
she was gonna do that?
No.
I kinda just thought
she was gonna come out
and yell at him or something.
It's probably best we don't
tell anybody about this.
It's not a great look for us.