Goodness Gracious Me (1998) s03e10 Episode Script
India Special 2015
1 India.
The very name conjures up so much.
A land of contrasts and extremes.
The riches, the poverty.
The mountains and the desert.
The modern and the ancient.
Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
It's India.
We get it.
I'm Art Malik.
I knew it! Mee-ow! Goodness gracious me! Indian.
Hello, everyone.
Hope I haven't kept you waiting.
No, no, no.
Not at all.
Everyone got coffee? Erm Good.
So, here we go.
Right, the latest viewing figures are in, yeah? And we have a 20 share with a 65 reach and AI's in the low 80s.
That means we're the best.
Right, let's, er, talk about our top three rated shows.
I'm A Gujarati, Get Me Out Of Here Sardars In Their Eyes Tonight, Harry, I'm going to be Mr Singh.
.
.
and our Islamic fundamentalist reality show, Strictly No Dancing.
Plus, starting next Sunday, it is our lavish, new costume drama Brownton Abbey.
Sorry, sorry, can I say something, please? Everyone, this is, er Sa-tee-vah.
He's our new head of diversity.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Hey.
You know I take the issue of diversity very seriously, OK? It's very important to me, so please, er, continue, Dave.
No, it's Sorry, it's Steve.
Why, what did I say? Never mind.
Well, hi, everyone, thanks for having me in.
Look, it's my feeling that there are probably enough reality shows on TV already, so how about some programmes which reflect a wider worldview? Sorry, hello? Hello? Oi, pay attention, everyone.
Er, like, like what, Stanley? Well how about having an English season? Here we go.
I love it.
Er, me too! Great idea.
OK, so come on, ideas, everyone.
Come on, come on, come on.
Ideas OK, you! Something about the railways? Railways.
How about you? Oh, ah, oh, what about, erm The Wonders Of England? Travelling from East to West, Tower of London, Madame Tussauds Southall? Or maybe just Southall? Ah! How about a 24-hour live broadcast where we see a snapshot of the real English life? What were you thinking? A corner shop .
.
in Wolverhampting! Ah! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.
Now hang on.
Oh, for goodness' sake, what is it now, Stuart? I'm sorry, but you're clearly not taking this whole issue of diversity seriously.
Of course we are.
Come on.
What are you talking about? I'm going to have to insist on a series of representation targets and quotas with proper penalties for anyone who fails to comply.
OK.
What about a series on the great English luxury hotels? I don't really see how that Ah-ch-ch-ch! Presented by a real English man, with a generous expense account, like, say, our new head of diversity.
Unless, of course, you're really busy with all the quotas, Sean? No, that sounds absolutely perfect! That's the one, let's do that.
I'm going to be on TV! 30 years after Richard Attenborough's portrayal of the life of the Mahatma comes an extraordinary reimagining.
He was a man with a mission.
A man who couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, until he'd achieved his goal.
Columbia Pictures proudly presents a Martin Scorsese film.
You talking to me? Excuse me, are you talking to me? You must be.
There ain't nobody else here.
Gandhi, one man's descent into madras.
I don't know why we're inviting an English man around here anyway.
I hear they're very smelly, horrid people.
This one wants to trade with us.
Yes, but we have precious stones, spices, silks, tea.
What have they got? I know, I know.
This must be him now.
Dinesh Kapoor, Maharajah of Chigwellipur.
Yoo-hoo! Maharajah Surjit.
You know the Maharani, of course.
Charmed.
Have you met Sashi? My little porcupine.
I think you mean concubine, my lord.
Porcupine, concubine, what is the difference? Well, one of them has got 1,000 little pricks.
And the other one is a porcupine.
Well, lovely to What do you want? Well, Maharajah Dinesh received a letter from a Mr Clive of the India inviting us here.
I think he wants to trade with u-u-us! I think you've made a mista-ake.
He's coming here to trade with us.
Wait a minute You don't think he's trying the old divide and rule? I have no idea.
Arithmetic was never my strong point.
I'm more of the sporty type.
Hm, and what is that, combat or swordplay? Ping pong, actually.
I think we should be mindful, the British are expanding in India, and we Indians need to stick together.
Major General Sir Robert Clive of the East India Company.
Welcome, welcome to my humble largest palace in India.
How do you do? I brought you this.
Oh, and what is that? It's wine.
Oh, we've never had wine before.
I like it.
Give me the bottle, whitey.
You mentioned something about wanting to trade with us in your letter.
Well, the East India Company is looking for a partner in this part of the world.
In exchange for spices, silks and tea, we could offer you some of our British exports.
Oh, such as? Woolly hats the latest weaponry syphilis.
Oooh! We're in! If he's signing with anyone, he's signing with us.
Why you? Because we are more of the British than you.
How so? Er, our home is a castle, we hate the French, and Dinesh only has a bath once every three months.
Whether I need it not.
Yeah, but you didn't bring a bottle, did you? Eh? Bloody stingy bastard.
Oh, please.
I would hate to cause any trouble.
I'm sure that Maharajah Kapoor Ah, pronounced Cooper! Yes, that's us.
He is Den Denis, and I'm Charlotte Cooper.
Right, of course.
And Maharajah Rabindranath Robinson! Sinjin Vanessa.
Well, I'm sure both of you have a lot to offer.
Now, look here, India.
We'll give you 200 camels, 47 elephants and all the spices, silks and sandalwood you can eat.
I double whatever he says and 12 tonnes more of tea, and the use of my porcupine on Sundays.
Well, I have actually got a pair of contracts right here, and, as it happens, two pens.
Give me, give me.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! No, you can keep those.
Ooh, what's next, what's next? Well, for a start, you can all bugger off.
Huh? This is my palace now.
Or, as the English would say Oh, bollocks.
I'd give it five minutes.
Oh, I do hope you're not bored, my dear.
Don't worry, if we're lucky, we might get Granny to amuse us with one of her hilarious, witty put-downs.
Granny, darling.
What do you think of the delicious almond burfi? Oh, where's the BLEEP cook? I'll kill the stupid BLEEP bitch.
BLEEP waste of space.
Stupid BLEEP.
Wise and wonderful words as always from Granny.
You know, I have a funny feeling there may be war and bloodshed soon.
Oh, for BLEEP'S sake, not again.
Excuse me, you don't happen to know where the Oh, God, it's you.
God-ESS, if you don't mind.
So.
So what are you doing here? Oh, haven't you heard? I've applied to become a DEITY.
You? What's so amusing? Oh, nothing.
It's just I heard that you'd been reincarnated as a widemouthed frog.
Funny, I heard you'd been reincarnated as an asthmatic warthog .
.
which would have been a promotion.
Yes.
So we're both applying.
Yes.
And there's only one place available.
Yeah.
Well, of course, I have been blessed with my six arms.
Oh, six is it? I hadn't noticed.
I thought it was back fat.
So How many worshippers have you got? Oh, wait, let me see Yes, that is er, home funny cat videos Oh, yes, worshippers.
2,003,001.
I've got over 40 million worshippers, only two more before I get my blue tick.
Bugger.
And look at what they've offered me.
Mangoes and flowers.
Ya, bargain basement, ha.
Is that so? Oh, yes.
Why, look.
Only last week my followers gave me .
.
a lorry load of laddus, 1,000 chickens, eight Gucci Tucci diamond-studded saris and .
.
the latest One Direction DVD.
Well, do you know how much my worshippers love me? 5,000 of them have decided that they don't want their OWN religion any more.
They're going to start a NEW religion where they will give me all their money and their possessions, give me their firstborn child and then they will spend 24 hours a day naked sitting in a hall, chanting the name of their one true God ME! Silence! We have made our decision.
The next verified deity will be Miturundundun munissisen! Him? How big is his dunda? Big enough.
Mr Gandhi! Mr Gandhi.
What do you think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a good idea.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
The march was only meant to be a few people and some satirists, but the moment someone says free salt, the world and his mother turn up.
Get him! It's come to my attention that one of my daughters wishes to marry a low caste rickshaw wallah.
What I need to know is .
.
which one of you is it? Sorry, which one of you is the pretty one? Oh, thank God.
Yeah, you can do whatever you like.
Sir, sir, sir, sir! Captain Brownadder, sir.
Can it wait, Badri? I'm about to have lunch.
One week old chapatti and some of your home-made mango chutney.
Sorry, sir.
Although that is not actually mango chutney It says "mango" on the label.
There should be two words, sir.
MAN GO.
Although you might find a LITTLE bit of actual mango in there.
Was there something you wanted, Badri? Yes, sir.
I bring you good news, sir.
Has the Bhangra troop arrived? No, sir.
We're going over the top.
Oh, great.
When is this fun-packed day trip taking place, then? Ten minutes, sir.
Marvellous, isn't it? You volunteer for the British Indian Army, hoping to spend a couple of years in Rajasthan riding on a small camel wearing a silly hat.
And then before you know it, you're 10,000 miles away facing certain death in a freezing cold trench in Belgium.
Still I don't suppose it could get much worse.
Namaste, satsrikar and a great big salamu alaykum! Then again Hello, Lieutenant Jyoti.
I say, cap, isn't it wonderful, huh? At last, a chance to give them a jolly good taste of our cold British steel.
Yes, although, we're not actually British, are we? We are British subjects, sir, fighting for King and country.
That's why we're here.
Hear, hear, sir.
I'm thinking of retiring there.
I hear is very nice.
I saw picture of it on biscuit tin.
Trust me, Badri, after the war, a brown face in England will be about as welcome as a vegetarian at a Muslim wedding.
Hey! Attention! At ease, at ease.
Now then, I'm looking for a Captain Brownadder.
Yes, I'm over here, General.
Ah, Brownadder.
I wanted to talk to you Well, I must say, Brownadder, you might at least have washed your face before appearing in front of me, man! I'm sorry, sir? Your face.
It's all covered in mud.
Oh, I see.
No, it's not muddy, General, it's Indian.
What! But you're a captain, Captain! Indeed, in the British INDIAN Army, sir.
We can't have brown chaps being officers.
Why not, sir? They're just not up to it.
White troops have far superior intelligence, leadership and soldiering skills.
Well, unfortunately, the white officers used their superior skills to get themselves all killed within 20 minutes of our arrival.
What about you? I'm afraid I'm brown, too, sir.
But I did go to Cambridge.
Well, that's something, I suppose.
Now, look here, you chaps, as you're aware, in precisely three minutes from now you'll be going over the top.
Hurray, hurrah and a balle, balle, balle! Well, quite.
I just wanted to say good luck and rest assured that your contribution to the war effort will not go unrewarded.
In what way, sir? Eh? Well, perhaps India could finally be given her independence and freedom from British Imperial rule? Certainly.
By which you mean Definitely not.
But you will not be forgotten.
In the songs and poems and stories and classic situation comedies to come .
.
your brave muddy looking brown faces .
.
will always get a mention.
Hurray, huzzah and a bom-di-di-boom.
Jolly good.
Thank you, sir.
Don't mention it.
Carry on, men.
General Perhaps some home-made mango chutney for the journey? Don't mind if I do, Brownadder.
Hmm, spicy! From the man who brought you Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit comes a new tale of one tiny person's struggle to overcome great odds.
They call me Gandhi the Brown.
Gandhi, The Dissolution Of The Raj.
Oh, great Emperor Shah Jahan.
Sorry we're late.
Yep, a few delays on the Maratha Empire's bathroom extension.
Can I just say, first off, how chuffing grateful we are that you are chose Khan, Khan, Arif Khan as your preferred builders? Cos as we both know, there's a lot of cowboys out there.
And we're the Indians! Have you seen my plans for new project? The Taj Mahal.
Oh, aye.
Oh, aye.
We have.
It's going to be a mausoleum for my dear departed wife.
My Mumtaz of the palace.
Such a tender creature whose beauty I miss with all my being.
Dead, is she? Yes.
She died whilst giving birth to our 14th child.
14 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 14th? You want to get yourself a new hobby! Me and the missus play Ludo, much safer! Enough! Are you going to build it or not? Oh, aye.
Aye, we are.
We are and all, aye.
Good.
Remember, I want this to be the finest monument to love the world has ever witnessed.
A white marble monument.
I'm sorry, did you say marble? Yes, white marble.
Ooh.
Well Well, that changes everything that does, aye.
Puts the price right up.
We were thinking chipboard with a nice marble finish.
You can't tell the difference until you're right close up.
You could do pine.
Ooh.
Flat pack, have it up in a day! But just don't lose that funny little key.
I'm the Emperor Shah Jahan.
I have power and money beyond your imaginings.
I do not want a flat pack Taj Mahal.
You're the boss, isn't he? He's the boss.
Good.
I want the finest white marble, lace, and intricate carvings all over and atop the dome a gold finial pointing heavenward.
What do you think? Could we make a couple of suggestions? Two words for you Mm-hm.
Petting zoo.
Petting zoo.
Is this some kind of joke? Next thing he'll be telling us, he doesn't want the helter-skelter on the tower thingamajig.
Tower thingamajiggy? These are minarets to exalt the name of God from, not to slide down on manky old sacks! I do not want my wife's tomb surrounded by four helter-skelters.
Agreed.
That's why we were thinking instead of four little minarets, why not one big one sticking up in the middle? What?! Yeah, instead of your one big dome, bugger to clean, have two smaller domes either side.
Look, I I don't see how.
I know, I know and that's why We've done an artist impression.
It looks like a massive Helter-skelter.
This is supposed to be a teardrop on the face of eternity.
Not a boil on the arse of a weekend! We'll go back to your original plans.
Thank you.
Right, so we'll get cracking as soon as we've finished painting your new imperial palace.
Oh, yes.
The centrepiece of the mighty Mughal Empire.
A magnificent red fort.
This is where we're developing the next big project.
Wow! You guys are at the cutting edge of space exploration.
The best thing is the cost, how do you do it all so cheaply? Team effort.
Yeah, but your chief engineer must be a genius.
I really don't want to discuss that.
Hello, Beta.
Maji.
Who is this? This is Dave from the UK Space Agency.
Ah.
And this is our chief engineer.
She's your mother? Yes, I was very proud of my son, you see, working for the India Space Programme and then he told me how much it was going to cost.
Space travel is expensive, Maji.
Rubbish.
Hundreds of millions of pounds for a satellite when I could make it at home for nothing! All I needed was some recycled circuit boards, a few fireworks, an old ambassador car and a small aubergine.
So this is how you managed to do the Mars probe so cheaply? It wasn't cheap! It cost? 74 million.
The Americans spent much more than that, Maji.
And if the Americans jumped in front of a bus, would you do that also? So, tell me, what are you working on next, mate? Top secret.
No, Beta, tell him.
Tell him.
We're developing a craft to democratize space travel.
A bit like the Branson project.
Yes, except with real people, not just millionaires with more money than sense.
Tell him what it's called, Beta.
It's called a Baraat International Geo Astral Navigational project.
Or Bigan for short.
Do you want to see what it looks like? Yes, please.
Are you sure? Yes.
Ready? Ta-da! I mean, that looks like an aubergine.
Thank you.
How many people are you planning to fit in that? Oh, 250.
250?! Yes.
15 will go on the inside, yeah? And then the rest will cling onto the sides and the roof.
It's the Indian way! Wheee! Gandhiji.
Nehruji.
I believe that we can force the British to quit India through non-violent means alone.
BLEEP that.
Quentin Tarantino's Gandhi Unchained.
Indian.
Indian.
Indian! You were dreaming.
I got you a cup of tea.
Is it? Indian, of course.
Why does everything have to be Indian with you, Dad? Well, son, I'll tell you.
You see it's like this When I hear young people whingeing About my country gets me cringing You ungrateful sods have nothing good to say To avoid their low opinion I just think of all things Indian And in moments all the blues are blown away Because India is great, India is good I've never been there Then you should Get off the settee and this bungalow As I tell you all the Indian words I know Jodhpurs and shawl Saris and patties Dungarees and bangles Don't go out without your chutneys Still don't get why the hullabaloo There's a clever boy, that's an Indian word, too Juggernaut, cashmere Khaki, loot Indian! Polo, Ludo, avatar, cheroot Indian! Pashmina, veranda, bandana, gymkhana Pariah and guar, pyjama and nirvana India is brilliant for me and you Get out of my head, Dad Try shampoo Indian! So much from India, you'd be stunned Time for a dance, pass my Indian cummerbund Sanskrit, Tamil and Hindustani Language is created by the Swami Army Button, steel, ink, rocket, such a massive tally Calm down, Dad, this is driving me doolally Doolally, Indian word! India's the greatest India's the daddy We gave the world badminton, chess and kabaddi Indian summers, Indian tea And best of all from India Me! And me! Explore India's present in a remarkable tale of life in a modern city.
My name is Iffat and this is the story of a year in my school, right in the heart of Mumbai.
Voyage into the rich history of India's past.
I'm beginning a journey deep into ancient India, to discover
The very name conjures up so much.
A land of contrasts and extremes.
The riches, the poverty.
The mountains and the desert.
The modern and the ancient.
Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.
It's India.
We get it.
I'm Art Malik.
I knew it! Mee-ow! Goodness gracious me! Indian.
Hello, everyone.
Hope I haven't kept you waiting.
No, no, no.
Not at all.
Everyone got coffee? Erm Good.
So, here we go.
Right, the latest viewing figures are in, yeah? And we have a 20 share with a 65 reach and AI's in the low 80s.
That means we're the best.
Right, let's, er, talk about our top three rated shows.
I'm A Gujarati, Get Me Out Of Here Sardars In Their Eyes Tonight, Harry, I'm going to be Mr Singh.
.
.
and our Islamic fundamentalist reality show, Strictly No Dancing.
Plus, starting next Sunday, it is our lavish, new costume drama Brownton Abbey.
Sorry, sorry, can I say something, please? Everyone, this is, er Sa-tee-vah.
He's our new head of diversity.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Hey.
You know I take the issue of diversity very seriously, OK? It's very important to me, so please, er, continue, Dave.
No, it's Sorry, it's Steve.
Why, what did I say? Never mind.
Well, hi, everyone, thanks for having me in.
Look, it's my feeling that there are probably enough reality shows on TV already, so how about some programmes which reflect a wider worldview? Sorry, hello? Hello? Oi, pay attention, everyone.
Er, like, like what, Stanley? Well how about having an English season? Here we go.
I love it.
Er, me too! Great idea.
OK, so come on, ideas, everyone.
Come on, come on, come on.
Ideas OK, you! Something about the railways? Railways.
How about you? Oh, ah, oh, what about, erm The Wonders Of England? Travelling from East to West, Tower of London, Madame Tussauds Southall? Or maybe just Southall? Ah! How about a 24-hour live broadcast where we see a snapshot of the real English life? What were you thinking? A corner shop .
.
in Wolverhampting! Ah! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.
Now hang on.
Oh, for goodness' sake, what is it now, Stuart? I'm sorry, but you're clearly not taking this whole issue of diversity seriously.
Of course we are.
Come on.
What are you talking about? I'm going to have to insist on a series of representation targets and quotas with proper penalties for anyone who fails to comply.
OK.
What about a series on the great English luxury hotels? I don't really see how that Ah-ch-ch-ch! Presented by a real English man, with a generous expense account, like, say, our new head of diversity.
Unless, of course, you're really busy with all the quotas, Sean? No, that sounds absolutely perfect! That's the one, let's do that.
I'm going to be on TV! 30 years after Richard Attenborough's portrayal of the life of the Mahatma comes an extraordinary reimagining.
He was a man with a mission.
A man who couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, until he'd achieved his goal.
Columbia Pictures proudly presents a Martin Scorsese film.
You talking to me? Excuse me, are you talking to me? You must be.
There ain't nobody else here.
Gandhi, one man's descent into madras.
I don't know why we're inviting an English man around here anyway.
I hear they're very smelly, horrid people.
This one wants to trade with us.
Yes, but we have precious stones, spices, silks, tea.
What have they got? I know, I know.
This must be him now.
Dinesh Kapoor, Maharajah of Chigwellipur.
Yoo-hoo! Maharajah Surjit.
You know the Maharani, of course.
Charmed.
Have you met Sashi? My little porcupine.
I think you mean concubine, my lord.
Porcupine, concubine, what is the difference? Well, one of them has got 1,000 little pricks.
And the other one is a porcupine.
Well, lovely to What do you want? Well, Maharajah Dinesh received a letter from a Mr Clive of the India inviting us here.
I think he wants to trade with u-u-us! I think you've made a mista-ake.
He's coming here to trade with us.
Wait a minute You don't think he's trying the old divide and rule? I have no idea.
Arithmetic was never my strong point.
I'm more of the sporty type.
Hm, and what is that, combat or swordplay? Ping pong, actually.
I think we should be mindful, the British are expanding in India, and we Indians need to stick together.
Major General Sir Robert Clive of the East India Company.
Welcome, welcome to my humble largest palace in India.
How do you do? I brought you this.
Oh, and what is that? It's wine.
Oh, we've never had wine before.
I like it.
Give me the bottle, whitey.
You mentioned something about wanting to trade with us in your letter.
Well, the East India Company is looking for a partner in this part of the world.
In exchange for spices, silks and tea, we could offer you some of our British exports.
Oh, such as? Woolly hats the latest weaponry syphilis.
Oooh! We're in! If he's signing with anyone, he's signing with us.
Why you? Because we are more of the British than you.
How so? Er, our home is a castle, we hate the French, and Dinesh only has a bath once every three months.
Whether I need it not.
Yeah, but you didn't bring a bottle, did you? Eh? Bloody stingy bastard.
Oh, please.
I would hate to cause any trouble.
I'm sure that Maharajah Kapoor Ah, pronounced Cooper! Yes, that's us.
He is Den Denis, and I'm Charlotte Cooper.
Right, of course.
And Maharajah Rabindranath Robinson! Sinjin Vanessa.
Well, I'm sure both of you have a lot to offer.
Now, look here, India.
We'll give you 200 camels, 47 elephants and all the spices, silks and sandalwood you can eat.
I double whatever he says and 12 tonnes more of tea, and the use of my porcupine on Sundays.
Well, I have actually got a pair of contracts right here, and, as it happens, two pens.
Give me, give me.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! No, you can keep those.
Ooh, what's next, what's next? Well, for a start, you can all bugger off.
Huh? This is my palace now.
Or, as the English would say Oh, bollocks.
I'd give it five minutes.
Oh, I do hope you're not bored, my dear.
Don't worry, if we're lucky, we might get Granny to amuse us with one of her hilarious, witty put-downs.
Granny, darling.
What do you think of the delicious almond burfi? Oh, where's the BLEEP cook? I'll kill the stupid BLEEP bitch.
BLEEP waste of space.
Stupid BLEEP.
Wise and wonderful words as always from Granny.
You know, I have a funny feeling there may be war and bloodshed soon.
Oh, for BLEEP'S sake, not again.
Excuse me, you don't happen to know where the Oh, God, it's you.
God-ESS, if you don't mind.
So.
So what are you doing here? Oh, haven't you heard? I've applied to become a DEITY.
You? What's so amusing? Oh, nothing.
It's just I heard that you'd been reincarnated as a widemouthed frog.
Funny, I heard you'd been reincarnated as an asthmatic warthog .
.
which would have been a promotion.
Yes.
So we're both applying.
Yes.
And there's only one place available.
Yeah.
Well, of course, I have been blessed with my six arms.
Oh, six is it? I hadn't noticed.
I thought it was back fat.
So How many worshippers have you got? Oh, wait, let me see Yes, that is er, home funny cat videos Oh, yes, worshippers.
2,003,001.
I've got over 40 million worshippers, only two more before I get my blue tick.
Bugger.
And look at what they've offered me.
Mangoes and flowers.
Ya, bargain basement, ha.
Is that so? Oh, yes.
Why, look.
Only last week my followers gave me .
.
a lorry load of laddus, 1,000 chickens, eight Gucci Tucci diamond-studded saris and .
.
the latest One Direction DVD.
Well, do you know how much my worshippers love me? 5,000 of them have decided that they don't want their OWN religion any more.
They're going to start a NEW religion where they will give me all their money and their possessions, give me their firstborn child and then they will spend 24 hours a day naked sitting in a hall, chanting the name of their one true God ME! Silence! We have made our decision.
The next verified deity will be Miturundundun munissisen! Him? How big is his dunda? Big enough.
Mr Gandhi! Mr Gandhi.
What do you think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a good idea.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
The march was only meant to be a few people and some satirists, but the moment someone says free salt, the world and his mother turn up.
Get him! It's come to my attention that one of my daughters wishes to marry a low caste rickshaw wallah.
What I need to know is .
.
which one of you is it? Sorry, which one of you is the pretty one? Oh, thank God.
Yeah, you can do whatever you like.
Sir, sir, sir, sir! Captain Brownadder, sir.
Can it wait, Badri? I'm about to have lunch.
One week old chapatti and some of your home-made mango chutney.
Sorry, sir.
Although that is not actually mango chutney It says "mango" on the label.
There should be two words, sir.
MAN GO.
Although you might find a LITTLE bit of actual mango in there.
Was there something you wanted, Badri? Yes, sir.
I bring you good news, sir.
Has the Bhangra troop arrived? No, sir.
We're going over the top.
Oh, great.
When is this fun-packed day trip taking place, then? Ten minutes, sir.
Marvellous, isn't it? You volunteer for the British Indian Army, hoping to spend a couple of years in Rajasthan riding on a small camel wearing a silly hat.
And then before you know it, you're 10,000 miles away facing certain death in a freezing cold trench in Belgium.
Still I don't suppose it could get much worse.
Namaste, satsrikar and a great big salamu alaykum! Then again Hello, Lieutenant Jyoti.
I say, cap, isn't it wonderful, huh? At last, a chance to give them a jolly good taste of our cold British steel.
Yes, although, we're not actually British, are we? We are British subjects, sir, fighting for King and country.
That's why we're here.
Hear, hear, sir.
I'm thinking of retiring there.
I hear is very nice.
I saw picture of it on biscuit tin.
Trust me, Badri, after the war, a brown face in England will be about as welcome as a vegetarian at a Muslim wedding.
Hey! Attention! At ease, at ease.
Now then, I'm looking for a Captain Brownadder.
Yes, I'm over here, General.
Ah, Brownadder.
I wanted to talk to you Well, I must say, Brownadder, you might at least have washed your face before appearing in front of me, man! I'm sorry, sir? Your face.
It's all covered in mud.
Oh, I see.
No, it's not muddy, General, it's Indian.
What! But you're a captain, Captain! Indeed, in the British INDIAN Army, sir.
We can't have brown chaps being officers.
Why not, sir? They're just not up to it.
White troops have far superior intelligence, leadership and soldiering skills.
Well, unfortunately, the white officers used their superior skills to get themselves all killed within 20 minutes of our arrival.
What about you? I'm afraid I'm brown, too, sir.
But I did go to Cambridge.
Well, that's something, I suppose.
Now, look here, you chaps, as you're aware, in precisely three minutes from now you'll be going over the top.
Hurray, hurrah and a balle, balle, balle! Well, quite.
I just wanted to say good luck and rest assured that your contribution to the war effort will not go unrewarded.
In what way, sir? Eh? Well, perhaps India could finally be given her independence and freedom from British Imperial rule? Certainly.
By which you mean Definitely not.
But you will not be forgotten.
In the songs and poems and stories and classic situation comedies to come .
.
your brave muddy looking brown faces .
.
will always get a mention.
Hurray, huzzah and a bom-di-di-boom.
Jolly good.
Thank you, sir.
Don't mention it.
Carry on, men.
General Perhaps some home-made mango chutney for the journey? Don't mind if I do, Brownadder.
Hmm, spicy! From the man who brought you Lord Of The Rings and The Hobbit comes a new tale of one tiny person's struggle to overcome great odds.
They call me Gandhi the Brown.
Gandhi, The Dissolution Of The Raj.
Oh, great Emperor Shah Jahan.
Sorry we're late.
Yep, a few delays on the Maratha Empire's bathroom extension.
Can I just say, first off, how chuffing grateful we are that you are chose Khan, Khan, Arif Khan as your preferred builders? Cos as we both know, there's a lot of cowboys out there.
And we're the Indians! Have you seen my plans for new project? The Taj Mahal.
Oh, aye.
Oh, aye.
We have.
It's going to be a mausoleum for my dear departed wife.
My Mumtaz of the palace.
Such a tender creature whose beauty I miss with all my being.
Dead, is she? Yes.
She died whilst giving birth to our 14th child.
14 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 14th? You want to get yourself a new hobby! Me and the missus play Ludo, much safer! Enough! Are you going to build it or not? Oh, aye.
Aye, we are.
We are and all, aye.
Good.
Remember, I want this to be the finest monument to love the world has ever witnessed.
A white marble monument.
I'm sorry, did you say marble? Yes, white marble.
Ooh.
Well Well, that changes everything that does, aye.
Puts the price right up.
We were thinking chipboard with a nice marble finish.
You can't tell the difference until you're right close up.
You could do pine.
Ooh.
Flat pack, have it up in a day! But just don't lose that funny little key.
I'm the Emperor Shah Jahan.
I have power and money beyond your imaginings.
I do not want a flat pack Taj Mahal.
You're the boss, isn't he? He's the boss.
Good.
I want the finest white marble, lace, and intricate carvings all over and atop the dome a gold finial pointing heavenward.
What do you think? Could we make a couple of suggestions? Two words for you Mm-hm.
Petting zoo.
Petting zoo.
Is this some kind of joke? Next thing he'll be telling us, he doesn't want the helter-skelter on the tower thingamajig.
Tower thingamajiggy? These are minarets to exalt the name of God from, not to slide down on manky old sacks! I do not want my wife's tomb surrounded by four helter-skelters.
Agreed.
That's why we were thinking instead of four little minarets, why not one big one sticking up in the middle? What?! Yeah, instead of your one big dome, bugger to clean, have two smaller domes either side.
Look, I I don't see how.
I know, I know and that's why We've done an artist impression.
It looks like a massive Helter-skelter.
This is supposed to be a teardrop on the face of eternity.
Not a boil on the arse of a weekend! We'll go back to your original plans.
Thank you.
Right, so we'll get cracking as soon as we've finished painting your new imperial palace.
Oh, yes.
The centrepiece of the mighty Mughal Empire.
A magnificent red fort.
This is where we're developing the next big project.
Wow! You guys are at the cutting edge of space exploration.
The best thing is the cost, how do you do it all so cheaply? Team effort.
Yeah, but your chief engineer must be a genius.
I really don't want to discuss that.
Hello, Beta.
Maji.
Who is this? This is Dave from the UK Space Agency.
Ah.
And this is our chief engineer.
She's your mother? Yes, I was very proud of my son, you see, working for the India Space Programme and then he told me how much it was going to cost.
Space travel is expensive, Maji.
Rubbish.
Hundreds of millions of pounds for a satellite when I could make it at home for nothing! All I needed was some recycled circuit boards, a few fireworks, an old ambassador car and a small aubergine.
So this is how you managed to do the Mars probe so cheaply? It wasn't cheap! It cost? 74 million.
The Americans spent much more than that, Maji.
And if the Americans jumped in front of a bus, would you do that also? So, tell me, what are you working on next, mate? Top secret.
No, Beta, tell him.
Tell him.
We're developing a craft to democratize space travel.
A bit like the Branson project.
Yes, except with real people, not just millionaires with more money than sense.
Tell him what it's called, Beta.
It's called a Baraat International Geo Astral Navigational project.
Or Bigan for short.
Do you want to see what it looks like? Yes, please.
Are you sure? Yes.
Ready? Ta-da! I mean, that looks like an aubergine.
Thank you.
How many people are you planning to fit in that? Oh, 250.
250?! Yes.
15 will go on the inside, yeah? And then the rest will cling onto the sides and the roof.
It's the Indian way! Wheee! Gandhiji.
Nehruji.
I believe that we can force the British to quit India through non-violent means alone.
BLEEP that.
Quentin Tarantino's Gandhi Unchained.
Indian.
Indian.
Indian! You were dreaming.
I got you a cup of tea.
Is it? Indian, of course.
Why does everything have to be Indian with you, Dad? Well, son, I'll tell you.
You see it's like this When I hear young people whingeing About my country gets me cringing You ungrateful sods have nothing good to say To avoid their low opinion I just think of all things Indian And in moments all the blues are blown away Because India is great, India is good I've never been there Then you should Get off the settee and this bungalow As I tell you all the Indian words I know Jodhpurs and shawl Saris and patties Dungarees and bangles Don't go out without your chutneys Still don't get why the hullabaloo There's a clever boy, that's an Indian word, too Juggernaut, cashmere Khaki, loot Indian! Polo, Ludo, avatar, cheroot Indian! Pashmina, veranda, bandana, gymkhana Pariah and guar, pyjama and nirvana India is brilliant for me and you Get out of my head, Dad Try shampoo Indian! So much from India, you'd be stunned Time for a dance, pass my Indian cummerbund Sanskrit, Tamil and Hindustani Language is created by the Swami Army Button, steel, ink, rocket, such a massive tally Calm down, Dad, this is driving me doolally Doolally, Indian word! India's the greatest India's the daddy We gave the world badminton, chess and kabaddi Indian summers, Indian tea And best of all from India Me! And me! Explore India's present in a remarkable tale of life in a modern city.
My name is Iffat and this is the story of a year in my school, right in the heart of Mumbai.
Voyage into the rich history of India's past.
I'm beginning a journey deep into ancient India, to discover