Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e10 Episode Script
One in Every Crowd
( theme song playing ) I've never had such bad cards.
Let's try a little five-card stud.
Everybody ante a dollar.
All right.
Pot's light.
Are you in, Newkirk? No, I'm not in yet.
Pot's right.
Ten, eight, three, a jack and a big king for me.
How about that, huh? I'm high.
I bet two dollars.
You're high all right, Williams.
You stink.
What's your problem, pal? You're dealing from the bottom.
That's the problem, mate.
Hey, let go.
He's got a king on the table, right, gentlemen? There's a king right at the bottom of this deck ready when he wants to palm it.
CARTER: Cheat.
Salle vache! You twister! You're just ganging up on me 'cause I'm winning.
Yeah, well, I'm going to sort you out.
Come on, Newkirk.
Stop it, Newkirk.
Come on, get up.
Wait a minute.
Break it up.
Break it up! Break it up! Isn't there enough war for you guys? Newkirk caught him dealing off the bottom.
He's a liar! Knock it off! Knock it off.
The game's over.
Take back the money you started with.
Are you kidding? I won it, I keep it.
You can't order me to give back my money.
Look, Williams, I've had it right up to here with you.
You've been thrown out of every barracks in camp.
Can I help it if I'm popular? I also know you've been stealing our Red Cross packages and selling them to the Krauts.
Prove it, sir.
I will at your court martial.
The game's over.
Take back the money and give him his.
( all shouting ) Come on, break it up, will ya! Dance, two, three Dance, two, three.
Get the lead out.
Make this a dancing war.
That's beautiful.
At ease.
Oh, all right, all right.
Remember your partners.
We'll get to the tango next.
Now I have seen everything.
Dancing lessons at midnight.
Midnight? Where has the time gone? It is true, Herr Kommandant.
Whenever I go out to a dance, I look at my watch and, all of a sudden, I realize that the time Oh, shut up.
Commandant, I'd bet you'd make a great dancer.
You have natural rhythm.
I can tell the way you move.
Schultz, put this man on report for severe disciplinary action.
My own personal attention.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The next time, Colonel Hogan, that you give dancing lessons, perhaps you'd be kind enough to invite me, hmm? Oh, fine.
We'll have to get you a partner.
Volunteer? May I have the honor of the next waltz, Monsieur Commandant? Put this man on report, too.
Traitor.
I can't help it.
I love to dance.
Hey, kid, can I talk to you a minute? Colonel, the Kraut captain just went into Klink's office.
All right, let's listen.
KLINK: A new fuel pump? Yes, sir.
The old one cannot be repaired.
I must go to Dusseldorf to have the new pump made.
But that may take a week.
And you expect to leave that truck and that thing here? Colonel, I did not choose your camp.
My engine started going bad.
I needed a safe place.
This is a safe place.
I feel safe here.
Don't you? Oh, it's safe, all right.
The safest in the world.
KLINK: And the reason for our record is that I permit no disruption of our routine.
Yes, sir.
I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain.
Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
I have orders.
The only orders that I'm interested in are my own orders.
"All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation assist him without question" Mm-hmm.
"failure, punishable execution by firing squad.
" Signed, General Yodel for the Fuhrer.
Glad to have you with us, Captain.
Thank you.
He may get a room with a bath.
Colonel, you will undertake security arrangements while I'm in Dusseldorf, ja? Certainly.
By all means.
And, uh may one ask what one is guarding? It is the S-5.
Prototype of a new recoilless field gun.
My mission is to deliver it to one of our ordnance factories in France, where it will go into production at once.
But, Colonel top secret.
It was top secret.
LeBeau, tell Kinch to get word to London.
Tell them everything we heard.
Right, Colonel.
They may want to try bombing that gun while it's here and stationary.
Bomb it in camp? We're here and stationary as well, you know.
War entails a certain risk.
Didn't your draft board tell you guys anything? It's the only flashlight I've got.
I'll buy it off you, okay? You don't have to buy it.
I'll give it to you.
Hey, you're all right, kid.
Thanks.
But you're making a mistake, boy.
Oh, don't start that again.
I'm going out of here tonight.
Right after bed check.
Colonel Hogan gave the orders-- no escaping without permission.
Now, I remember the day he said that.
I real Who cares what Hogan says? He knows the score.
And he's a pretty good guy.
He's an officer.
Well, we all have our faults.
Look, are you going to give me the flashlight, or? I'll see you later, kid.
Yeah, okay.
Negotiating to buy a pair of crooked dice, Carter? Colonel, he's going to break out of here tonight.
Williams has been threatening to break out ever since he got here, but he always chickens out.
Yeah, well, if he needs any help, I'll hold the bloody Germans up with me bare hands.
The Eighth Air Force has a previous engagement.
I figured.
They want us to destroy the gun.
Set the Krauts back at least six months.
Sir, may I suggest a good old-fashioned demolition pack with a short-time fuse? All right.
Get started.
Make it a good one.
Don't give us too many duds.
Since when do one of my demolition packs ever conk out? Come on.
We are touchy today, Carter.
It's the mark of a true artist.
Picasso felt the same way about his work.
Picasso? What did he ever blow up? ( branch cracks ) ( Schultz yells ) Johann, a tourist.
Guten Abend, tourist.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I used to have a suit like this.
But, of course, mine was made out of much better material.
Not made out of a blanket.
Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei.
KLINK: Food, maps, flashlight.
He ordered it by mail from a catalog.
Silence.
I can believe it.
The suit looks terrible.
This is not a style show.
You can say that again.
The next thing I might say is to order you to pack your things to go to the Russian front.
Williams, you chose a very bad time.
We are extremely security conscious these days for certain reasons.
So I'm going to have to make an example of you.
followed by 30 days confinement in the barracks and no privileges.
What?! Pretty stiff punishment, Commandant.
Wearing civilian clothes, carrying maps.
I could have him shot as a spy without a trial.
He's right, Williams.
Whose side are you on, Hogan? The same side as you, unfortunately.
Ah, little trouble in the family.
Sir, I want to talk for myself.
I don't need Colonel Hogan's help.
Hogan, dismissed.
I'm senior POW officer here and, if you're going to interrogate him I said dismissed.
Schultz, take Hogan back to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But if he won't go? If he won't go, you might say "pretty please.
" Out! I'm warning you, Williams I said out.
All right, if he wants to join your side, you're welcome to him.
Pretty please.
All right, talk.
I got information.
I want a deal.
You are hardly in a position It's military, Colonel.
And it concerns you.
But I got to have my price.
Revoke my sentence, transfer me out of here to Berlin or any other place where I can live till the war's over, and enough money to get away.
Is that all, huh? How about a nice villa at the Riviera, with dancing girls and champagne foot baths? What I got is worth it to you.
But you have no assurance I won't take all that information and have you shot anyway.
I'm not worried.
You'll know why when you hear what I got to say.
Well, he's selling us out, sir-- and at bargain prices, too.
Did he say anything yet? Not yet, but he knows most of the operation.
We used him on one assignment.
Carter, you're friendly with Williams.
Yes, sir, in a way.
But I resent that.
We've got to keep tabs on him.
See if you can get the job delivering his meals in the cooler.
A couple of candy bars for Schultz will take care of that.
All right.
Do you think he'd really blow the whistle on us, Colonel, or is he stalling? If he does, we may never get a chance at that gun out there.
We may never get a chance at anything again.
That's correct, General Burkhalter.
Military information.
Mm-hmm.
But he wants his freedom in return, and money.
Yes.
Yes.
Find out if the information is valuable.
Uh-huh.
String him along.
Ah, that's an excellent idea.
General Burkhalter.
Excellent.
What? What? Oh, yes, sir.
I can handle it.
After all, I'm a colonel.
What? We might win the war anyway.
That's terribly amusing, General Burkhalter.
Thank you for your advice.
Heil Hitler.
He wouldn't do a thing like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, I say he tipped off the Krauts, and he let me take this rap.
Well, you're wrong.
He did everything he could out there.
Schultz was there.
What do you think? The potatoes need salt.
Next time I go out of this dump, it's going to be right through the main gate, with money in my pocket.
And the beans need salt, too.
I got a deal cooking with the Krauts.
They'll shoot you the minute you step out of camp.
Yeah? Well, I'll take my chances.
Come on.
You can' trust those guys.
No offense, Schultz.
I would rather shoot the cook.
Hey! KLINK: Schultz! Achtung! Nice little kaffeeklatsch, huh? No, Herr Kommandant.
I think it is tea.
Komamndant, I was testing the prisoner's food to be sure it is not dangerous.
It is fine.
Very good, Sergeant.
You, out! Yes, sir.
KLINK: We might do a little business if you can convince me that your information is reliable.
Oh.
A little sample, Colonel? You might put it that way.
Yes.
Yes, it's all right.
Okay.
Remember, about four weeks ago, the railroad bridge at Heindorf blew up? Remember? Ha! The explosion threw me out of bed.
Shut up! The Gestapo is investigating.
They suspect sabotage.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck to them.
It was done with a delayed-fuse bomb on the north side.
Does that ring a bell? Yes.
What else do you know about it? No more free samples, Colonel.
You know my terms.
The Heindorf railroad bridge? Yep.
He's using it to bait Klink.
That's one of the jobs he worked on with us, Colonel.
Let me take his food in tomorrow, sir.
He'll have a nice lunch, and after which will be a lovely funeral.
Ours or his? Klink would nail us just like that.
Carter, tell Kinch to get in touch with the underground.
I want to talk to one of their boys tonight.
His code name is Felix.
Right.
LeBeau? Yes, sir? I want you to meet him and guide him in through the emergency tunnel.
Right, Colonel.
Well, what's your plan, sir? Well, we've got to stop Williams, but use him as a diversion so we can knock out that gun.
With all due respect, sir, you're dreaming.
If you've got a better dream, I want to hear it.
So far, so good.
Here you are, Felix, slip into this.
All right.
I think you'll find it's a perfect fit.
Hmm.
Hey, marvelous.
Yeah.
Look at this.
Could've been made by a Savile Row tailor.
FELIX: Yeah.
It feels comfortable, you know? Yeah, fine.
All right, these are your orders, "Major Weber.
" Oh? Oh.
Signed by General Burkhalter.
Otherwise known as Sergeant Kinchloe.
All right, now, you got the you got the plan straight? I think so, Colonel.
Now, let's talk about a girl.
Yeah, any girl.
Let's talk and talk and talk.
Well, there is a girl named, uh, Maria Schmidt.
She's worked with us before.
Very cool, not afraid of danger.
LeBEAU ( chuckles ): Just your type.
Fine.
She'll be your assistant-- the secretary.
She'll handle the paperwork.
I understand.
Remember, when the job's over, get out of camp fast.
But leave Fraulein Schmidt.
The corporal, uh, he has been away from home too long? Yeah.
You don't have to worry about the Germans stopping you-- he's your biggest danger.
( phone ringing ) Heil Hitler.
Who is this? Gestapo! Heil Hitler, and good evening.
I've been talking to General Burkhalter about the prisoner who offered you some information.
Oh, yes, sir.
I have interrogated the prisoner again, just as the general ordered.
Excellent.
Now, the Gestapo wants you to come to Berlin at once for a conference with General Burkhalter.
You must coordinate your activities in this case.
Well, sir, I'm not sure.
With my duties here, I What duties? Ach! You Luftwaffe officers! A ten-year-old boy could handle your job.
Well, sir, I'm afraid there's not one available.
The Gestapo will send a Luftwaffe officer, Major Weber, who will take over command while you are away.
He will be accompanied by his secretary, Fraulein Schmidt.
Be with you in one moment, mein Fuhrer.
Yes, mein Fuhrer, I made it a collect call.
Klink, are you still with us? Sir, I certainly am.
I shall leave for Berlin the moment Major Weber arrives here.
I can hardly wait.
That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Now I shall go back to my efficiency reports.
Yes, you may resume sleeping.
Heil Hitler.
Coming, mein Fuhrer.
All right.
One down, one to go.
Burkhalter now, sir? Same story.
Tell him that the Gestapo wants him to confer with Klink about the case, and that Klink will arrive shortly, and the Gestapo will supply Klink's replacement.
All right, sir.
You know, these long-distance calls run into quite a bit of money.
Well, don't worry.
It's after 6:00.
Now, this is a highly secret weapon on its way to France, and temporarily my responsibility, which must have maximum security guard at all times.
I understand, sir.
Make a note of that, Fraulein Schmidt.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
And there's a prisoner in the cooler.
He must be watched very carefully-- Williams.
I will see to it, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is Colonel Hogan, Senior POW Officer.
Major Weber will be temporarily in charge during my absence.
Now, you obey his orders, and there will be no trouble.
I expect full cooperation.
Right.
I feel I already know the major.
Mm-hmm.
This is Schultz, Sergeant of the Guards.
Sergeant.
I expect to rely on him very heavily.
Mm-hmm.
Well he's here, anyway.
Auf Wiedersehen! ( speaks German ) Have a nice trip, and don't take any wooden swastikas.
( chuckles ): Now we can relax.
Achtung! Eyes front! At attention! Jawohl, Herr Major! Sergeant, you will bring the prisoner Williams to the Commandant's office, at once! Jawohl, Herr Major! Sheesh! Everybody wants to be a big shot.
He's mean.
But that Fraulein Schmidt Ooh! Come on, Schultz.
Don't you start.
Berlin has decided to meet your terms, Williams.
Everything? Free pass out of here, place to live, money? Everything.
You will dictate the information you have, every detail, to Fraulein Schmidt.
Okay.
I'm ready.
That's it.
Now, you live up to your end of the bargain.
Don't worry.
Herr Major, you wanted Colonel Hogan.
Yes.
Take this man back to the cooler and return immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Major! Come on.
Da-da-da-da.
So long, Hogan.
I'll see you in church.
Wouldn't do you any harm, wise guy.
He is a traitor.
Ooh, I hate that man.
You've got company.
Here is the information he dictated to Maria.
Oh, brother! Names, dates, the works.
Yeah.
And this is the fake information.
He signed it along with the rest of the papers without realizing.
Thanks.
You've done a great job.
( knocking ) Herr Major, the prisoner has been returned to the cooler, and I am here.
Sergeant, I must return to Berlin at once.
You will give this to Colonel Klink the moment he returns to Stalag 13.
It is of the utmost importance.
Understood? Jawohl, Herr Major! Until the colonel returns, you will be in charge of this office.
Me? In charge? Is correct.
I have informed Colonel Hogan.
I'd ask for more money, Schultz.
Silence! Take over, Sergeant.
Fraulein, we must be on our way.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
( Schultz humming cheerfully ) You're in the boss' chair real quick.
How's it feel, big shot? Ah! Don't.
Stand at attention when you talk to the man in charge.
Yes, sir.
That's better.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan.
I didn't mean it.
( snoring ) Oh! Herr Kommandant! What's going on here? Oh, Herr Kommandant, Major Weber was recalled to Berlin, and he left me in charge of the office.
You? What's the Third Reich coming to? I am ordered to a conference in Berlin with General Burkhalter.
The Gestapo doesn't show up.
We sit and talk about things we already know.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, Major Weber left you this.
Very important.
Mm-hmm.
It's signed by Williams.
It's the information.
"Small-arms factory in Hammelburg will be attacked by saboteurs on the 17th.
" That's tonight, Schultz.
Look alive! I want every available man assembled.
Combat equipment.
We move out in 15 minutes.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! But how about the trucks and the guns and the guards for the prisoner, Williams, please, in the cooler? I said every available man! Now, I am putting you in charge of communications here until this operation is over.
Out! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Get every man in that truck! Go! Let's go! Everybody in! Schultz! Let's go! Now! ( Schultz shouting in German ) There they go.
The gun is not guarded, Colonel.
All right.
Newkirk, LeBeau, you handle the cooler.
Remember, do it fast and clean, and we need Williams' jacket.
Right, Colonel.
Carter, you set the charges five minutes after the cooler blows.
You got it, boy uh, sir.
Williams, wake up! Colonel Hogan wants to see you! What is this? Stand back, you bloody mug, unless you want to get killed.
Not that I care.
Welcome home, friend.
Hogan, give me a break.
You'll get what you deserve-- a plane to fly out of here as soon as the heat dies down.
They're gonna try you in England, and you'd better pray that none of those judges have ever been POWs.
Put him in the tunnel.
Right.
Here's his jacket.
His name in it? Yes, sir.
All right, good.
All set, Colonel.
Stand by.
Five, four, three, two, one! I said one! ( alarm wailing ) Ooh! First, the cooler, and now this! Terrible.
While I am in charge! I got to hand it to you.
What? Things certainly happen when you're around.
Two years' work completely destroyed.
A catastrophe.
You can expect a full investigation from the Gestapo.
Colonel, look what I found.
Williams! Mm-hmm.
It's fairly obvious what happened: he blew open his cell, set the charges to the gun, but didn't make it away in time.
And sent me on a wild-goose chase to the small-arms factory? Uh-huh.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
I never will.
Where were the guards when all this happened? That's right.
Where were they? Well, you see That is the first question the Gestapo will ask you.
You know, Hogan, I think your theory about Williams is beginning to make sense to me.
You know, Colonel, I had a feeling that it would.
Let's try a little five-card stud.
Everybody ante a dollar.
All right.
Pot's light.
Are you in, Newkirk? No, I'm not in yet.
Pot's right.
Ten, eight, three, a jack and a big king for me.
How about that, huh? I'm high.
I bet two dollars.
You're high all right, Williams.
You stink.
What's your problem, pal? You're dealing from the bottom.
That's the problem, mate.
Hey, let go.
He's got a king on the table, right, gentlemen? There's a king right at the bottom of this deck ready when he wants to palm it.
CARTER: Cheat.
Salle vache! You twister! You're just ganging up on me 'cause I'm winning.
Yeah, well, I'm going to sort you out.
Come on, Newkirk.
Stop it, Newkirk.
Come on, get up.
Wait a minute.
Break it up.
Break it up! Break it up! Isn't there enough war for you guys? Newkirk caught him dealing off the bottom.
He's a liar! Knock it off! Knock it off.
The game's over.
Take back the money you started with.
Are you kidding? I won it, I keep it.
You can't order me to give back my money.
Look, Williams, I've had it right up to here with you.
You've been thrown out of every barracks in camp.
Can I help it if I'm popular? I also know you've been stealing our Red Cross packages and selling them to the Krauts.
Prove it, sir.
I will at your court martial.
The game's over.
Take back the money and give him his.
( all shouting ) Come on, break it up, will ya! Dance, two, three Dance, two, three.
Get the lead out.
Make this a dancing war.
That's beautiful.
At ease.
Oh, all right, all right.
Remember your partners.
We'll get to the tango next.
Now I have seen everything.
Dancing lessons at midnight.
Midnight? Where has the time gone? It is true, Herr Kommandant.
Whenever I go out to a dance, I look at my watch and, all of a sudden, I realize that the time Oh, shut up.
Commandant, I'd bet you'd make a great dancer.
You have natural rhythm.
I can tell the way you move.
Schultz, put this man on report for severe disciplinary action.
My own personal attention.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
The next time, Colonel Hogan, that you give dancing lessons, perhaps you'd be kind enough to invite me, hmm? Oh, fine.
We'll have to get you a partner.
Volunteer? May I have the honor of the next waltz, Monsieur Commandant? Put this man on report, too.
Traitor.
I can't help it.
I love to dance.
Hey, kid, can I talk to you a minute? Colonel, the Kraut captain just went into Klink's office.
All right, let's listen.
KLINK: A new fuel pump? Yes, sir.
The old one cannot be repaired.
I must go to Dusseldorf to have the new pump made.
But that may take a week.
And you expect to leave that truck and that thing here? Colonel, I did not choose your camp.
My engine started going bad.
I needed a safe place.
This is a safe place.
I feel safe here.
Don't you? Oh, it's safe, all right.
The safest in the world.
KLINK: And the reason for our record is that I permit no disruption of our routine.
Yes, sir.
I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain.
Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.
I have orders.
The only orders that I'm interested in are my own orders.
"All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation assist him without question" Mm-hmm.
"failure, punishable execution by firing squad.
" Signed, General Yodel for the Fuhrer.
Glad to have you with us, Captain.
Thank you.
He may get a room with a bath.
Colonel, you will undertake security arrangements while I'm in Dusseldorf, ja? Certainly.
By all means.
And, uh may one ask what one is guarding? It is the S-5.
Prototype of a new recoilless field gun.
My mission is to deliver it to one of our ordnance factories in France, where it will go into production at once.
But, Colonel top secret.
It was top secret.
LeBeau, tell Kinch to get word to London.
Tell them everything we heard.
Right, Colonel.
They may want to try bombing that gun while it's here and stationary.
Bomb it in camp? We're here and stationary as well, you know.
War entails a certain risk.
Didn't your draft board tell you guys anything? It's the only flashlight I've got.
I'll buy it off you, okay? You don't have to buy it.
I'll give it to you.
Hey, you're all right, kid.
Thanks.
But you're making a mistake, boy.
Oh, don't start that again.
I'm going out of here tonight.
Right after bed check.
Colonel Hogan gave the orders-- no escaping without permission.
Now, I remember the day he said that.
I real Who cares what Hogan says? He knows the score.
And he's a pretty good guy.
He's an officer.
Well, we all have our faults.
Look, are you going to give me the flashlight, or? I'll see you later, kid.
Yeah, okay.
Negotiating to buy a pair of crooked dice, Carter? Colonel, he's going to break out of here tonight.
Williams has been threatening to break out ever since he got here, but he always chickens out.
Yeah, well, if he needs any help, I'll hold the bloody Germans up with me bare hands.
The Eighth Air Force has a previous engagement.
I figured.
They want us to destroy the gun.
Set the Krauts back at least six months.
Sir, may I suggest a good old-fashioned demolition pack with a short-time fuse? All right.
Get started.
Make it a good one.
Don't give us too many duds.
Since when do one of my demolition packs ever conk out? Come on.
We are touchy today, Carter.
It's the mark of a true artist.
Picasso felt the same way about his work.
Picasso? What did he ever blow up? ( branch cracks ) ( Schultz yells ) Johann, a tourist.
Guten Abend, tourist.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I used to have a suit like this.
But, of course, mine was made out of much better material.
Not made out of a blanket.
Forward march! Eins, zwei, drei.
KLINK: Food, maps, flashlight.
He ordered it by mail from a catalog.
Silence.
I can believe it.
The suit looks terrible.
This is not a style show.
You can say that again.
The next thing I might say is to order you to pack your things to go to the Russian front.
Williams, you chose a very bad time.
We are extremely security conscious these days for certain reasons.
So I'm going to have to make an example of you.
followed by 30 days confinement in the barracks and no privileges.
What?! Pretty stiff punishment, Commandant.
Wearing civilian clothes, carrying maps.
I could have him shot as a spy without a trial.
He's right, Williams.
Whose side are you on, Hogan? The same side as you, unfortunately.
Ah, little trouble in the family.
Sir, I want to talk for myself.
I don't need Colonel Hogan's help.
Hogan, dismissed.
I'm senior POW officer here and, if you're going to interrogate him I said dismissed.
Schultz, take Hogan back to the barracks at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But if he won't go? If he won't go, you might say "pretty please.
" Out! I'm warning you, Williams I said out.
All right, if he wants to join your side, you're welcome to him.
Pretty please.
All right, talk.
I got information.
I want a deal.
You are hardly in a position It's military, Colonel.
And it concerns you.
But I got to have my price.
Revoke my sentence, transfer me out of here to Berlin or any other place where I can live till the war's over, and enough money to get away.
Is that all, huh? How about a nice villa at the Riviera, with dancing girls and champagne foot baths? What I got is worth it to you.
But you have no assurance I won't take all that information and have you shot anyway.
I'm not worried.
You'll know why when you hear what I got to say.
Well, he's selling us out, sir-- and at bargain prices, too.
Did he say anything yet? Not yet, but he knows most of the operation.
We used him on one assignment.
Carter, you're friendly with Williams.
Yes, sir, in a way.
But I resent that.
We've got to keep tabs on him.
See if you can get the job delivering his meals in the cooler.
A couple of candy bars for Schultz will take care of that.
All right.
Do you think he'd really blow the whistle on us, Colonel, or is he stalling? If he does, we may never get a chance at that gun out there.
We may never get a chance at anything again.
That's correct, General Burkhalter.
Military information.
Mm-hmm.
But he wants his freedom in return, and money.
Yes.
Yes.
Find out if the information is valuable.
Uh-huh.
String him along.
Ah, that's an excellent idea.
General Burkhalter.
Excellent.
What? What? Oh, yes, sir.
I can handle it.
After all, I'm a colonel.
What? We might win the war anyway.
That's terribly amusing, General Burkhalter.
Thank you for your advice.
Heil Hitler.
He wouldn't do a thing like that.
Oh, yeah? Well, I say he tipped off the Krauts, and he let me take this rap.
Well, you're wrong.
He did everything he could out there.
Schultz was there.
What do you think? The potatoes need salt.
Next time I go out of this dump, it's going to be right through the main gate, with money in my pocket.
And the beans need salt, too.
I got a deal cooking with the Krauts.
They'll shoot you the minute you step out of camp.
Yeah? Well, I'll take my chances.
Come on.
You can' trust those guys.
No offense, Schultz.
I would rather shoot the cook.
Hey! KLINK: Schultz! Achtung! Nice little kaffeeklatsch, huh? No, Herr Kommandant.
I think it is tea.
Komamndant, I was testing the prisoner's food to be sure it is not dangerous.
It is fine.
Very good, Sergeant.
You, out! Yes, sir.
KLINK: We might do a little business if you can convince me that your information is reliable.
Oh.
A little sample, Colonel? You might put it that way.
Yes.
Yes, it's all right.
Okay.
Remember, about four weeks ago, the railroad bridge at Heindorf blew up? Remember? Ha! The explosion threw me out of bed.
Shut up! The Gestapo is investigating.
They suspect sabotage.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck to them.
It was done with a delayed-fuse bomb on the north side.
Does that ring a bell? Yes.
What else do you know about it? No more free samples, Colonel.
You know my terms.
The Heindorf railroad bridge? Yep.
He's using it to bait Klink.
That's one of the jobs he worked on with us, Colonel.
Let me take his food in tomorrow, sir.
He'll have a nice lunch, and after which will be a lovely funeral.
Ours or his? Klink would nail us just like that.
Carter, tell Kinch to get in touch with the underground.
I want to talk to one of their boys tonight.
His code name is Felix.
Right.
LeBeau? Yes, sir? I want you to meet him and guide him in through the emergency tunnel.
Right, Colonel.
Well, what's your plan, sir? Well, we've got to stop Williams, but use him as a diversion so we can knock out that gun.
With all due respect, sir, you're dreaming.
If you've got a better dream, I want to hear it.
So far, so good.
Here you are, Felix, slip into this.
All right.
I think you'll find it's a perfect fit.
Hmm.
Hey, marvelous.
Yeah.
Look at this.
Could've been made by a Savile Row tailor.
FELIX: Yeah.
It feels comfortable, you know? Yeah, fine.
All right, these are your orders, "Major Weber.
" Oh? Oh.
Signed by General Burkhalter.
Otherwise known as Sergeant Kinchloe.
All right, now, you got the you got the plan straight? I think so, Colonel.
Now, let's talk about a girl.
Yeah, any girl.
Let's talk and talk and talk.
Well, there is a girl named, uh, Maria Schmidt.
She's worked with us before.
Very cool, not afraid of danger.
LeBEAU ( chuckles ): Just your type.
Fine.
She'll be your assistant-- the secretary.
She'll handle the paperwork.
I understand.
Remember, when the job's over, get out of camp fast.
But leave Fraulein Schmidt.
The corporal, uh, he has been away from home too long? Yeah.
You don't have to worry about the Germans stopping you-- he's your biggest danger.
( phone ringing ) Heil Hitler.
Who is this? Gestapo! Heil Hitler, and good evening.
I've been talking to General Burkhalter about the prisoner who offered you some information.
Oh, yes, sir.
I have interrogated the prisoner again, just as the general ordered.
Excellent.
Now, the Gestapo wants you to come to Berlin at once for a conference with General Burkhalter.
You must coordinate your activities in this case.
Well, sir, I'm not sure.
With my duties here, I What duties? Ach! You Luftwaffe officers! A ten-year-old boy could handle your job.
Well, sir, I'm afraid there's not one available.
The Gestapo will send a Luftwaffe officer, Major Weber, who will take over command while you are away.
He will be accompanied by his secretary, Fraulein Schmidt.
Be with you in one moment, mein Fuhrer.
Yes, mein Fuhrer, I made it a collect call.
Klink, are you still with us? Sir, I certainly am.
I shall leave for Berlin the moment Major Weber arrives here.
I can hardly wait.
That's all.
Thank you, sir.
Now I shall go back to my efficiency reports.
Yes, you may resume sleeping.
Heil Hitler.
Coming, mein Fuhrer.
All right.
One down, one to go.
Burkhalter now, sir? Same story.
Tell him that the Gestapo wants him to confer with Klink about the case, and that Klink will arrive shortly, and the Gestapo will supply Klink's replacement.
All right, sir.
You know, these long-distance calls run into quite a bit of money.
Well, don't worry.
It's after 6:00.
Now, this is a highly secret weapon on its way to France, and temporarily my responsibility, which must have maximum security guard at all times.
I understand, sir.
Make a note of that, Fraulein Schmidt.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
And there's a prisoner in the cooler.
He must be watched very carefully-- Williams.
I will see to it, Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is Colonel Hogan, Senior POW Officer.
Major Weber will be temporarily in charge during my absence.
Now, you obey his orders, and there will be no trouble.
I expect full cooperation.
Right.
I feel I already know the major.
Mm-hmm.
This is Schultz, Sergeant of the Guards.
Sergeant.
I expect to rely on him very heavily.
Mm-hmm.
Well he's here, anyway.
Auf Wiedersehen! ( speaks German ) Have a nice trip, and don't take any wooden swastikas.
( chuckles ): Now we can relax.
Achtung! Eyes front! At attention! Jawohl, Herr Major! Sergeant, you will bring the prisoner Williams to the Commandant's office, at once! Jawohl, Herr Major! Sheesh! Everybody wants to be a big shot.
He's mean.
But that Fraulein Schmidt Ooh! Come on, Schultz.
Don't you start.
Berlin has decided to meet your terms, Williams.
Everything? Free pass out of here, place to live, money? Everything.
You will dictate the information you have, every detail, to Fraulein Schmidt.
Okay.
I'm ready.
That's it.
Now, you live up to your end of the bargain.
Don't worry.
Herr Major, you wanted Colonel Hogan.
Yes.
Take this man back to the cooler and return immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Major! Come on.
Da-da-da-da.
So long, Hogan.
I'll see you in church.
Wouldn't do you any harm, wise guy.
He is a traitor.
Ooh, I hate that man.
You've got company.
Here is the information he dictated to Maria.
Oh, brother! Names, dates, the works.
Yeah.
And this is the fake information.
He signed it along with the rest of the papers without realizing.
Thanks.
You've done a great job.
( knocking ) Herr Major, the prisoner has been returned to the cooler, and I am here.
Sergeant, I must return to Berlin at once.
You will give this to Colonel Klink the moment he returns to Stalag 13.
It is of the utmost importance.
Understood? Jawohl, Herr Major! Until the colonel returns, you will be in charge of this office.
Me? In charge? Is correct.
I have informed Colonel Hogan.
I'd ask for more money, Schultz.
Silence! Take over, Sergeant.
Fraulein, we must be on our way.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
( Schultz humming cheerfully ) You're in the boss' chair real quick.
How's it feel, big shot? Ah! Don't.
Stand at attention when you talk to the man in charge.
Yes, sir.
That's better.
Dismissed.
Colonel Hogan.
I didn't mean it.
( snoring ) Oh! Herr Kommandant! What's going on here? Oh, Herr Kommandant, Major Weber was recalled to Berlin, and he left me in charge of the office.
You? What's the Third Reich coming to? I am ordered to a conference in Berlin with General Burkhalter.
The Gestapo doesn't show up.
We sit and talk about things we already know.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, Major Weber left you this.
Very important.
Mm-hmm.
It's signed by Williams.
It's the information.
"Small-arms factory in Hammelburg will be attacked by saboteurs on the 17th.
" That's tonight, Schultz.
Look alive! I want every available man assembled.
Combat equipment.
We move out in 15 minutes.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! But how about the trucks and the guns and the guards for the prisoner, Williams, please, in the cooler? I said every available man! Now, I am putting you in charge of communications here until this operation is over.
Out! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant! Get every man in that truck! Go! Let's go! Everybody in! Schultz! Let's go! Now! ( Schultz shouting in German ) There they go.
The gun is not guarded, Colonel.
All right.
Newkirk, LeBeau, you handle the cooler.
Remember, do it fast and clean, and we need Williams' jacket.
Right, Colonel.
Carter, you set the charges five minutes after the cooler blows.
You got it, boy uh, sir.
Williams, wake up! Colonel Hogan wants to see you! What is this? Stand back, you bloody mug, unless you want to get killed.
Not that I care.
Welcome home, friend.
Hogan, give me a break.
You'll get what you deserve-- a plane to fly out of here as soon as the heat dies down.
They're gonna try you in England, and you'd better pray that none of those judges have ever been POWs.
Put him in the tunnel.
Right.
Here's his jacket.
His name in it? Yes, sir.
All right, good.
All set, Colonel.
Stand by.
Five, four, three, two, one! I said one! ( alarm wailing ) Ooh! First, the cooler, and now this! Terrible.
While I am in charge! I got to hand it to you.
What? Things certainly happen when you're around.
Two years' work completely destroyed.
A catastrophe.
You can expect a full investigation from the Gestapo.
Colonel, look what I found.
Williams! Mm-hmm.
It's fairly obvious what happened: he blew open his cell, set the charges to the gun, but didn't make it away in time.
And sent me on a wild-goose chase to the small-arms factory? Uh-huh.
I don't believe it.
Neither do I.
I never will.
Where were the guards when all this happened? That's right.
Where were they? Well, you see That is the first question the Gestapo will ask you.
You know, Hogan, I think your theory about Williams is beginning to make sense to me.
You know, Colonel, I had a feeling that it would.