iCarly s03e10 Episode Script

Boing.
Boing.
Boing.
Boing.
Okay.
That's enough boingin'.
Next on iCarly It's time to play everyone's favorite game: Happy baby, sad baby.
Okay.
We'll start with A teddy bear.
Does a teddy bear make baby happy? Yeah.
Yeah.
Teddy bear makes-- yeah, baby loves that Teddy bear.
Okay.
Next, let's see how baby feels about This stick of dynamite.
Does baby like the dynamite? No.
No.
That is dangerous.
Dynamite make baby go boom.
Aww.
No.
Hmm, I wonder if baby likes salsa.
Yeah.
I like salsa.
There you go.
Yeah.
Yummy.
Oh.
Okay.
--Boy.
Yeah.
Yummy.
Oh.
Tasty.
Okay.
That's enough.
Too much salsa.
Okay.
Next, we want to introduce you to the super cool chick.
She's what's known as a creative breaker.
'Cause she creatively breaks stuff.
So please welcome Tara.
Tara.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, good to see you.
Good to see you.
So, Tara, you want to break something for us? Show us a little destruction? Sure.
Music? Music.
Really nice work.
That was amazing.
Impressive.
Yeah.
You want to break something else? Like Freddie's arm, Freddie's leg, Freddie's face? Oh, Sam, if you're in love with me, just say so.
Nyeeeeehhh.
Nyeeeeehhh.
So what made you decide to learn to creatively break things? I compete in pageants, and you know how they have a talent portion? Yeah.
Of course.
Well, since I took karate when I was a kid, I decided to use that as my talent.
Interesting.
And isn't the big Ms.
Teen Seattle Pageant next week? Yeah, but I won't win that one.
Why not? 'Cause there's this girl, Leanne Carter, who's won 99 pageants in a row, and there's no way I'm gonna beat her.
Well, you got to try.
Sam? I'll be back.
Well, to fill the awkward moment Sam just created, Tara, you want to feed baby Spencer some more salsa? Sure.
No.
Does baby want more salsa? No.
No.
Aww.
There you go, baby.
There you go.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 I know you see somehow the world will change for me and be so wonderful live life, breathe air I know somehow we're gonna get there and feel so wonderful it's all for real I'm telling you just how I feel so wake up the members of my nation it's your time to be there's no chance unless you take one and the time to see the brighter side of every situation some things are meant to be so give your best and leave the rest to me leave it all to me leave it all to me just leave it all to me Hello.
What? You bailed in the middle of the show.
What's your problem? What makes you think I got a problem? Well, there's a can opener right there.
And you're stabbing that can of soup with a screwdriver.
Come on, talk.
When I was little, I used to compete in beauty pageants.
Aah.
Ow.
Are you okay? No.
There's a lentil in my eye.
Sam.
He snickered.
You apologize.
I'm sorry I blew a lentil in your eye.
Oh, well, the apology makes it okay.
Oh.
You were really a beauty pageant girl? I didn't want to be.
My mom forced me.
You know that girl that Tara was talking about, Leanne Carter? The chick who's won Yeah.
What about her? She always beat me.
I got second place in So you just finally quit competing? No.
I got suspended from pageantry 'cause Leanne fell down a flight of stairs.
People thought I pushed her.
And now she's gonna be the first girl in history to win a hundred pageants in a row.
You enter the pageant.
What? No.
Yes.
You're insane and you're squeezing my shoulders.
Please? I'm not entering a beauty pageant.
Sam's throwing a tantrum.
I know.
We know.
What happened? Did we run out of bacon? No.
She's mad 'cause I refuse to enter a beauty pageant.
You know you're gonna give in.
Not this time.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 All right.
I'll be in the stupid pageant.
Yay.
Bring me my soup.
I'm gonna make some of my special lemonade.
Anybody want some? Eww.
Gross.
So, Fred man, you got plans for next Saturday night? Just making cashew butter with my mom.
Cancel that 'cause you and me are going on a double date, baby.
Double date.
With who? Okay.
You know that girl I've been going out with? The one.
No, not that one.
Her name is Alison and we made a date to go rock climbing next Saturday night but then she tried to cancel 'cause her 15-year-old cousin Leslie is coming to stay with her.
So I said, well, what if I happen to know a delightfully awkward go rock climbing with Leslie and she said that'd be sweet.
So you're going.
Nuh-uh.
Why not? 'Cause I don't go on dates with girls I've never met.
Well, no girl you have met is gonna go on a date with you.
Come on.
Alison said Leslie is cute and fun and nice.
I don't do blind dates.
Spencer, I'm not gonna be In 5, 4, 3, 2 okay.
Yay.
You got it on? Yes.
Well, let's see it.
Get out here.
How does it look? Hot.
That dress is beauty pageant gold.
It just needs a couple of things.
Here.
What are these? You stuff them in your bra.
Gross.
No.
Come on, it's a beauty pageant.
Yeah, a beauty pageant, not a booby pageant.
Where did you even buy these? Instaboobs.
com.
Well, return them.
I can't.
My mom wore 'em last night.
All right.
You're ready to learn how to handle the hardest part of the beauty pageant? What is it? Answering the question.
The reason I always lost to Leanne.
Why is answering a question so hard? 'Cause the way they all sound sweet and smart and perfect.
Want to see how I use to do it when I was little? Yeah.
Check this out.
Well, I believe that school is very boring and that many teachers are fat and lazy.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you said that.
Neither could the judges.
They don't want honesty.
All they wanna hear about is ending world hunger for the children.
Wanna practice? Let's do it.
Now, Carly, what are your thoughts about America's dependence on foreign oil? Well, America's dependence on foreign oil is definitely an issue, but I feel that if we all work together, we can end world hunger.
For the children.
For the children.
Hey, what are you doing with that thing? I got it at the galaxy wars convention.
Check this out.
Dude, not cool.
We have girls coming here.
Put it away.
Okay.
Wait.
Wait.
Let me hold it.
That is awesome.
Well, hello, ladies.
We were not just playing with a hand laser from galaxy wars.
Won't you come in? Alison, this is bud Freddie.
Hi.
Hi.
And this is Leslie.
Hey.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
How is it going? Okay.
Who's ready to go indoor rock climbing? I couldn't get us a climb time till 8:30.
Oh, well, no worries.
We can kill a half hour here.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
You have "what am I?" I love this game.
Oh, yeah.
My buddy Socko bought me that, but I've never played it.
It's awesome.
Everybody puts a card on their forehead and you ask yes or no questions and try to figure out what you are.
It sounds fun.
Let's play.
I'll get the low-cal cream soda.
Let me get this.
Thanks.
I'll be here.
Okay.
Okay.
So we just put these bands around our heads? Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Now, everyone, pick a card but don't look at it.
Just put it on your forehead.
Okidoki.
On our foreheads.
Alison, you start.
Um, am I an animal? No.
Nuh-uh.
No.
Your turn, Leslie.
Um, am I something you can drink? Not really.
You would choke to death.
Okay.
Freddie, you go.
Okay.
Am I something you could buy at a store? Yes.
You can? Yeah, they have duck stores.
Oh, dude.
Oh.
Sorry.
The smells of a beauty pageant: Hairspray and desperation.
I wonder if anyone here is gonna remember me.
Mom.
Mom.
Mom.
Samantha Puckett.
I think they remember you.
Come on, let's get you dolled up.
There she is.
There she is.
There she is.
That's Leanne Carter? Don't say her name.
She's a monster.
Samantha? Yeah.
Yeah.
Hi, Leanne.
Oh, my God.
I didn't expect to see you here.
I'm her friend Carly.
I know.
I watch iCarly on the Web.
It is so awesome.
Who asked your opinion? She is so funny.
Are you competing tonight? No, I'm still banned 'cause you fell down some stairs.
I know.
I'm so clumsy.
So I hear you're going for your hundredth straight pageant win tonight? Well, I'm gonna try.
Yeah.
Well, good luck beating Carly.
She's got mad pageant skills.
Well, then it's an honor to compete against you.
Oh, jam it, Leanne.
She kills me.
You said she was nauseating and she's totally nice.
Nice nauseates me.
It's taken me years to get used to you.
Well, I can tell you right now, there's no way I'm gonna beat that girl.
Yes, you are.
And go put on your evening gown.
I'll go sign you in.
Okay.
Samantha Puckett? Christopher? I thought you were in prison.
It was juvie.
You're not competing tonight, are you? No.
Don't you remember? I got banned for seven years.
Right, but that was 7 1/2 years ago.
Wait.
So you're saying I'm eligible to compete in the pageant? Are you carrying any weapons? No.
Yes, you're eligible to compete in the pageant.
Help us.
Wait.
Give me that dress.
All pageant girls report to the main staging area in 12 minutes.
All pageant girls report to the main staging area in 12 minutes.
Hurry.
A dress will only come off so fast.
Here, I'll help you.
No.
No.
Take that thing off.
Give me that thing.
If you get that thing, it'll be okay.
Just up and over.
And thanks for being gentle.
You're not mad at me, are you? Why? Just 'cause you threw a hissy fit and forced me to enter a beauty pageant and made me go through nine hours of pageant training for nothing! I need the shoes.
Give me a sec.
No.
Give me a sec.
Oh.
I need one.
Okay.
Give me the other one, the other one.
There you go.
Hey.
I've got it.
I've got it.
Ta-DA.
I feel hot.
I feel violated.
Samantha, I just heard that you are competing tonight.
Yeah.
Afraid you're not gonna get your hundredth straight win? You know what? For me, it's just fun to be here.
That tears it.
Sam.
Sam.
-- Do great tonight.
Don't tell me what to do.
Am I something you can wear? Totally.
Yes, you are.
Am I pants? Bingo.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Straight up.
I guess they won.
Can we go rock climbing now? No.
No.
We all got to guess what our forehead say.
Freddie, your turn.
Okay.
Am I a subatomic particle? That's just a bad question.
No.
Yeah.
That would never be in one of these cards.
Yeah.
Come on-- [Music.]
My name is Leanne Carter.
I'm from Tacoma, and I spend my free time volunteering at animal shelters.
My name is Danica McNoltey I'm from Yakima, and I enjoy reading to special needs kids.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
This one's mine.
My name is Samantha Puckett and I'm from Seattle, and I love fried chicken.
It's true.
She does.
She loves chicken.
You did great.
No, I was off balance when I turned to walk off.
No one will notice that.
I'm feeling all anxious now.
Where's my purse? Here, here.
You keep fried chicken in your purse? It's my emergency thigh.
Coming up next, the question and answer round, followed by the talent competition.
The talent competition, what are you gonna do? I'll just sing the song you were gonna sing.
Do you know the words? No, teach me.
Okay, where did you put the lyric sheet? In my purse.
Are these ribs? I can't eat chicken all the time.
Okay, okay.
Am I large? Yes.
Well, yes and no.
Define large.
Large, big.
Yes.
Wait, define big.
Dude.
Well, big is a relative term.
Spencer? Like a AA battery is big to a lady bug.
Right, but We've already missed our climb time.
Great, then we can finish the game.
Yeah.
Can't we at least eat dinner? Yeah, I'm starving.
There, bon appetit.
Fiber nuts.
It's a quality cereal.
Yeah.
Okay, yes, you're big.
Okay.
Am I Texas? No.
Oh.
Answering the next question will be Samantha Puckett.
What goes on.
Samantha, there's been much talk in recent years about global warming.
What is your position and what do you think we, as Americans, should do? Just say we should end world hunger.
Well, you see, Dave, with a topic like global warming, most of the idiots out there don't know what the chiz they're talking about.
Well, what do you say we all work together to end world hunger? For the children.
Wonderful.
Can I be spread or squirted? You got to pick one or the other.
Can I be squirted? Yes.
Am I a waffle? No, you don't squirt waffles.
Do you guys wanna go out or not? Hey, you took your card off your forehead before you guessed what you were.
That's against the rules.
Come on, my turn.
Am I a gas? No, you're big.
Gases aren't big.
You guys wanna make out with us? A gas can occupy a big space.
Yeah, but the gas itself isn't big.
My turn.
Am I a fruit? On what planet are there squirtable fruits? A planet I wanna live on.
Oh, man.
She's killing it out there with her stupid saxophone.
Then you better let me teach you the song.
We don't have enough time.
There she is.
Ernie! What Samantha Puckett.
I've never thought I'd see you at another pageant.
I'm back.
I see that.
How's your mom? Still the worst.
Right.
Oh, Carly this is Ernie.
He used to be my dance coach when I was a little pageant girl.
Hey.
Nice to meet you.
I didn't know you could dance.
Puckett? Best little dancer I ever worked with.
Ah, it's true.
Performing next in the talent competition, Samantha Puckett.
You're gonna have to dance.
I don't know.
It's been almost eight years.
Do you remember the train station routine? Don't insult me.
Be my partner? Come on.
Kill it, Sam.
Do you have any more ribs? Beef or pork? Ladies and gentlemen, dancing with her former coach, I give you, Samantha Puckett.
Yeah! Am I a balloon? No.
Am I a tissue? No.
Am I dirt? No.
Will you kill me? No.
Hey, what happened to you guys? It's almost one in the morning.
You were supposed to pick us up at the pageant at midnight.
Sorry.
Am I a finger puppet? No.
Am I a thermometer? No.
Sam won the pageant.
Mama got first place.
Am I the French revolution? I don't even know what that is.
Hey, I won first place.
Can you guys pay a little attention to us? No.
We have five hours invested in this game.
We are not stopping till we guess what we are.
You're cheese.
You're a big toe.
Oh! Dang it! Am I a squirrel? No.