Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e10 Episode Script

Oh, my God, you're so hot.
Just let me go down on you, please.
Yeah.
But, I-- I should give you a heads up.
It takes me a while.
I don't mind.
- I love it.
- Have at it.
What the Aah! Aah! Aah! So, what you're telling me is when I said "I want a ton of soy sauce", what you heard was, "I want two soy sauces"? That's how it is in the Han province? My God It's full of stars! Oh! Whoo! Oh, my God, that was so good.
Ah.
- You want to have sex? - Listen Um, this was great, but, um I gotta be up early in the morning, so I'll just let myself out.
Oh.
Okay.
My sister and I do this thing, and it's never worked once.
But, we, uh-- when we see a really hot guy, we look at him and then we go Yoo-hoo! Sir? Yoo-hoo! Hasn't worked yet, but I'm gonna keep at it.
I'm gonna keep at it.
That's the thing with headphones you get what you pay for, so that's why I splurge.
- Wow.
Good for you.
- Yeah.
Hey, I'm super tired.
You want to get out of here soon? Yes! I'm just gonna grab my coat.
- Would you grab mine? - Yeah, of course.
- Okay.
- Nice talking to you.
Nice talking to you, too.
Wow, thanks for that cock block.
Oh, please.
If she wanted to hook up with you, she would have.
She's a huge whore, trust me.
Cock blocking is not even a thing, do you know that? It's just something that guys made up so that they don't get their egos bruised.
Believe it or not, a girl could not want to (bleep) you.
If cock blocking's not a thing, what's that? Hey, Rick, whatcha guys talking about? Your herpes? He's got herpes.
Block-a-doodle-doo! Block-a-doodle-doo! Yeah, you just got blocked by Cock Block.
Why don't you have a t-shirt, huh? Here you go.
Block, block, block, block Hey, what's up, Donnie? How you doing? Oh, hey, Cock Block.
Yeah, now's not a good time, man.
Hey, uh, when is a good time? When you're back at your parents' house, where you still live with your parents? Block-a-doodle-doo! Block-a-doodle-doo! Hey, uh, no hard feelings, Donnie.
Just doing my thing.
What are you, a medium, right? There you go.
Oh, Cock Block, I can't stay mad at you, man.
Yeah, block, block, block, block, block Oh, hey, Steve.
Heard you got fired yesterday! Nice try, Cock Block.
I'm not trying to bang her.
I was trying to sleep with her friend when she blocked me.
No, I didn't.
My friend wasn't-- Hey, you shut the (bleep) up! No one cock block blocks Cock Block when he's trying to block cock.
- You trying to move in on my turf? - Unh! - Huh? - Oh! 'Cause that is a block-a-doodle-don't! Ow! God, no! What does it matter to you? Do you get paid for this? It seems like you would lose money on the shirts.
Hey Cock Block, she giving you problems? No, I'm good, Mitch.
Why don't you grab yourself a t-shirt? I put a 2XL in there for you.
- Thanks, Cock Block.
- Help me.
Where do you think you're going, huh? Nowhere.
Please, I just want to go home.
I have a dog.
He'll wonder where I am.
Please Cock Block are you crying? No.
Cock Block, wait You think I like this? You think I like blocking all these cocks? I was born like this! I got no choice! Every morning I dread the sound of myself waking myself up in the morning.
I-- I had no idea.
Do you want to come home with me? I-- I could try to figure out how to blow you.
Shh.
That's real sweet, princess.
But I'm gonna have to block my own cock on this one.
Okay.
They say the hardest cock to block is your own heart.
Block-a-doodle-doo.
Block-a-doodle-doo! - Let's get you a t-shirt, huh? - Oh! Men's medium? No, I'm-- I'm a-- Here's an XL, it can be PJs.
Have you ever been cock blocked? I was in the basement of my friend's house, and I was on the couch with a girl, and he got naked and drunk, and he started hugging a Christmas tree, and he fell with it.
And then, from there, you really can't go anywhere.
The sun was up at that point.
- Great meeting you.
- Great meeting you.
- So, my lawyer said - Mm? That they're gonna reactivate my Instagram account.
I just can't post that photo.
- Oh.
Speaking of lawyers - Mm-hmm? You know, mine said that the settlement's not gonna cover all my medical expenses-- Cheers, mate! Excuse me, sir, you didn't leave a tip.
Of course I didn't leave a tip, gormless old bird.
I don't tip where I'm from.
Well, in America, it's how we earn a living.
Right, yeah.
Sorry I can't stay for a longer chin wag but I don't 'ave time to listen to the random tosh of some daft cow.
Who is that? Cheers.
Such a sucker for an accent.
Oh, he seems like a dick.
Wait, what are you-- Wait.
- Amy? - Hi, I'm Amy.
I just had to tell you, I love your accent.
- Ah.
I'm Cliven.
- Hi.
- Couldn't do me a favor, could you? - Yeah.
You ain't got a fiver for the tube? Oh, my God, "the tube"? Um, look, my friend was supposed to meet me here, but she didn't show.
She's such a dumb bitch.
Do you want to get a drink? I'm already pretty pissed but I might swing by the pub and 'ave a few more, if you don't mind, uh, picking up the bill.
Oh, my God, "pub.
" - Just give me one second.
- Okay.
Amy! I'm stuck.
Shut the (bleep) up.
Oh, my-- And so I said, "You can bugger off, you wanker.
"I'd rather take it directly in the arse than work another day for you.
" That was three years ago.
Been on the dole ever since.
I am a comedian and an actress Oi, oi! Those are mine.
You don't need those anyroad.
Eat any more of them, you're gonna look like you're up the duff.
Oh, you bunch of lazy berks! God, I really, really like you.
I am so sorry I've been so out of touch.
I've just been hanging out with Prince (bleep) Charming - all the time.
- Really? Tell me everything.
How's the sex? Mm! Amazing.
Amazing.
He can't really keep an erection, but just his accent just, like, does it for me.
They just told me I can never have sex again.
And he's huge, okay? Really? Like, he has a big dick? Uh-uh.
No, pretty small dick, but his foreskin is "enorm".
It's like a "fiveskin".
If I ever had to like go parachuting, - I could just like use that-- - Okay.
Thank you! Oh, she's fine.
She's fine.
Um, I-- I could have used-- Mm! "This drink is bollocks.
" That's the stuff he says.
You're quite a fit bird, ain't you? Keep the extra stone off with a little bit of regular rumpy pumpy, do we? You two know each other? Your bloke is trying to get into my knickers.
Arsehole.
She seems nice.
Yeah, right.
Look, Amy, it's been tickityboo spending time with you and all, but it's time for me to get on the pull with someone new.
I've got to go.
I love you, too.
Wait, before you go to the bathroom, will you just say, "That's not a knife, this is a knife"? Will you do that? Cheers, Amy.
Cheers.
Ooh! Hi.
Can I get another "point for me boyfriend"? And I'll-- I'll have another chocodilly martini.
Oh, you poor barmy slag.
This one's on me, sweetheart.
I love British people.
Diamonds and freckles, some-- mittens Do you like when a girl has an accent? - Yeah.
- What about English? How does that sound? It sounds like this! Oh, no, that's all right.
Do you automatically think British people are smart? Yeah, whether they're smart or not.
Yeah, but what if they came up to you and they had like two teeth, and they were like, "Do you know where the trolley is?" Uh "How does this Metro card work?" Like that? I think I wore it best.
No.
Look, Amy the general consensus is that you're being held back by your glaring flaw.
- My lower back tattoo-- - Your smile.
- You have a lower back tattoo? - No, I don't.
Your smile is garbage in all of these.
Terrible awful horrible.
So, you're gonna meet my smile guy, David.
- Dentist? - No, he's a smile guy.
He's worked with all the top smiles, Julia Roberts, Swank, Bening - Annette Bening? - Mm-hmm! - Oh, my God.
- Go there now.
- He's expecting you.
- Oh.
You've got to smile for the people Each and every day "Smiles are the windows to our teeth"? - Amy Schumer! - Hi.
Such a pleasure! Hi, David.
- Great to meet you.
- Great to meet you! Okay, so, I hear we have some work to do on your smile.
Yeah, that's what Ali told me.
Okay, well, let's see where we're at.
If you could smile for me, please? - Smile right now? - Mm-hmm.
Um Okay, can I see some teeth, please? All right, we have a lot of work to do, But it's nothing we can't figure out by the end of the session.
And-- and how long is the session? I-- Ah, that all depends on how hard you're willing to work.
Um, wha-- what exactly do we do? Well, we begin.
Smile, please.
No.
Again.
No.
Try this-- Cock your head, and let that lead you into the smile.
Almost like this.
No.
Again.
No.
Again.
No.
Again.
No.
Are you going to offer any suggestions? You're not even doing anything! You're just cocking your head to the side and putting your top teeth on your bottom lip.
I hate what you're doing.
- It's not even a smile.
- It's not? No, it's not! You're sure? No, I guess I'm not positive.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Do it again, please.
Cock, and smile.
No.
Cock, and smile.
No.
Cock, and smile.
Good.
Cock, and smile.
Better! Cock, and smile.
Yes! Yes.
Perfect.
Congratulations.
- Yeah? - Yes.
And that is faster than I've ever seen anyone get it.
- You're a real pro.
- Yeah.
That's great, 'cause the Golden Globes are tonight! I know.
Let me see you smile Baby, when you smile Smile We're making progress! Right? I am just saying, Israel has the right to defend itself with force against Hamas, which is a terrorist organization.
Mm-hmm, and I'm saying, Israel is equally, if not more, culpable in their level of provocation.
Hey, can we maybe just like keep it light.
It's a Friday.
Wine bar.
- Babe - Okay, okay.
Just for tonight.
- There, truce.
- You know what they say: "Opinions are like buttholes, everybody's got three!" Wait, what? - What? - "Everybody's got three"? - Three what? - You just said, "Opinions are like buttholes, everybody has three.
" Yeah, I mean, you never heard that expression? It's a-- It's like a famous-- "Opinions are like buttholes.
" Wait, um Just for fun how many buttholes, does everyone have? Just say it on the count of three.
- Good idea.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, one, two, three - One.
- Three.
Oh.
Do you guys watch "Vanderpump Rules", or? Amy - What's up? - Do you have three buttholes? What? Me? Oh, my God, I-- I-- I was kidding.
Like, obviously I was kidding around Like, that's really weird that you're asking me.
It's an expression.
It's I-- I have the same amount of buttholes you guys have.
How many did you guys say you had? - Just one.
- Yes! Which is what I have, one single, solitary, standard-- It's-- It's centered.
Come on! I have one butthole, okay? I have one butthole.
What are you guys, the butthole police? I mean, you have to tell me if you are.
No, we're not the butthole police, Amy.
I do think we should get going, hon.
Yeah, babe, that's a good idea.
Um, we have the sitter at home.
- Dude! - You guys don't have kids.
- Mm-hmm.
- What do you mean? Okay, but, I'll just call you this week, okay? - You left your coats! - Uh, keep them! That was weird.
So, what do you say? You want to get out of here? You can play me like a flute? A little Jethro Tull on my buttholes? Aqualung - Do do doo, do do doo - Okay I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Why? What? Connor, look at me! - I'm looking.
- Oh.
- Is this about my three buttholes? - Yeah! - Tell me the truth.
- I can't be any clearer.
Be real with me.
Is this about my three buttholes? This is the realest I've ever been with you.
- It's about your three buttholes.
- That you don't like them? I really am gonna go now.
But take care.
Yeah, it's definitely three.
How many holes are there in a human body, go! - Right off the top of your head.
- 15.
- That's a lot.
- Yeah.
That's probably too much.
We gotta check you out.
What is the weirdest body part you've ever encountered on somebody else? Oh, my God-- Uh-oh.
A tail? What? A kid in school, we were, uh in the locker room, and he was getting changed, and we looked over and he had a tail about that big, and he wiggled it.
It definitely wasn't a dick? No, it wasn't.
It was in the back.
That guy can (bleep) two girls at once.
- Pretty much.
- Would I (bleep) a tail? - I think I wouldn't, but - Yeah.
Who-- I don't know.
Mark it.
Did they tell you what we're doing? - Uh - This is a porn.
What? - Anal? - Once in a while.
Vaginal? Yeah, once in a while.
- Pizza? - I'm trying to quit, actually.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
What do you think about our director? He could be a Fred Armisen doppelganger.
- Ryan, come here.
- Hi! I don't think our director looks like Fred Armisen, do you? - A little bit.
- Maybe.
Just the littlest bit? Um, sir, we want to film the worst parallel parker in New York? What's going on? How many people have you slept with? I think, in between 30 and 40.
What would you guess my number was? Somewhere higher or lower than that.
Are you real? 'Cause you're like saying - the "Dudright" thing, always.
- Aw.
How are you liking the limelight? Everybody's the same amount of happy always, I think.
Do you still get as much ass as you did before? - No.
- Really? Yeah.
- Got really cold out here.
- So cold.
Yeah.
What are you, um I like your microphone.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- It's old.
I'm-- - Yeah? It's-- It's stupid.
- I should just quit, but-- - No.
No.
- I think it's nice.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for talking to me.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks for talking to me.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- All right.
Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
All right.
My favorite performer in the whole world is here tonight.
You probably already know her.
You probably already love her.
She's a little gem of a girl.
Her name is Miss Bridget Everett.
Thank you so much.
Turn the track down a little bit.
How about this? Don't touch my pussy unless I say you can touch my pussy, Mr.
Cosby! When your lady is tired and her patience is expired And she needs to get off her feet Draw your lady up some bubbles Don't you start any trouble Let your lady have her retreat When you're at your mama's house You see your lady's blouse And she's standing there in the wind And you're staring at those titties Like they're two fluffy kitties And your mind fills up with sin Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick away Put your dick away Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick away Shh.
When I come home at the end of the day And my fingers are down to the bone My back is aching don't there be no mistaking I'm gonna call my girl on the phone Then I'll pour a glass of wine I'm gonna take my time I'm gonna get my shit relaxed And when I say it's (bleep) time You're gonna lick my Valentine And don't forget the crack So put your dick Put your dick Put your dick away Sing it with me, ladies! Sing it with me! What do you say? Here we go! Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick away What's your name? Shut up, nobody cares.
Are you a top? Are you a top? That's what I thought.
I want you to put your left hand on your balls, and your right hand in the air, and repeat after me.
I'll put it, I'll put it, I'll put it I'll put it, I'll put my dick away Sing it! I'll put it, I'll put it-- I'll put my dick away Put your dick Sing with me, ladies! Put your dick Put your dick away I'm looking at you, mother (bleep), I'm right here! Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick Put your dick away Put your dick away That's right, New York City! This has been my favorite season, and I love all of you so much.
I would do anything for any of you.
I love you.
I love making the show so much.
It's still my absolute dream, and you all make it so much better.
And, I-- I love you, and thank you, and everything.
Thank you for always laughing.
Yeah, I'm crying.
Can somebody stand in for me while I hug my sister? We have one other announcement to make, guys.
Carolyn Ashley Pender - Oh, my God.
- Will you marry me? Oh, my God! Oh, what the (bleep)! Yes! Oh, my God! And that's a wrap on principal photography, and season So easy.
Mmm, magic.