Jane the Virgin (2014) s03e10 Episode Script

1 LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Okay, big stuff, friends, so buckle in.
As you know, Jane and Michael had a fairy tale wedding, but it turned into a nightmare, but thankfully, Michael survived and thrived.
So, it was a huge shock when I didn't pass my physical.
I can't go back to the force.
Which meant he needed a new career.
- How about a lawyer? - Exciting, right? Now all he had to do was pass the LSAT.
And speaking of big career moves, Rogelio wanted to cross over from telenovelas, so he shot a revealing part in an indie film.
Yup.
Really revealing.
And as for Jane's mom, Xo well, she was back with her old flame, Bruce.
The only problem? His daughter, Tess.
Barf.
Sorry, I shouldn't say that, but trust me, she's tough.
Also tough, Petra.
Or she was before her sister, Anezka, paralyzed her and took her place.
And ever since Petra woke up, well she's been having a hard time connecting with her kids.
Also having a hard time, poor Rafael.
See, he had covered up his late father's crimes, but then he found out his parents weren't really his parents, and he found an addendum to his father's will, which would make him, well, broke.
Then again If you're looking for the will, it's over.
I destroyed it.
Or at least she thought she did.
I know.
Straight out of a Telenovela, right? Which, of course, it is, after all.
Looking back, you could say it felt different right away, which might be true, or might just be memory.
- - In any case, when Michael Cordero Jr.
Was seven years old, he had the worst day of his life.
Honey, I'm sorry, you're sick, so no trick-or-treating.
But I feel totally fine.
Of course, young Michael was an unreliable narrator You have a fever.
- which I'm not.
- Come on.
Smile for me in your costume, and then we'll get you into your pj's.
MICHAEL: Oh, man.
I remember this moment exactly.
- Well, not exactly.
- Oh.
You were seven.
Plus, the act of remembering changes things.
I read this article in The New Yorker.
Show off.
It was about flashbulb memories.
Oh, yeah, I read that one.
(flash pops) Apparently, memories around big events seem clearer, but the periphery disappears.
You remember the feeling, not the details.
- No.
I remember it exactly.
- He doesn't.
'Cause it was so traumatizing.
You can trust me.
Okay, okay, I believe you.
(laughs) (knock on door) (cell phone rings) Hello? Hey, Alice.
I have huge news! Wait, wait, what? Uh, yes, of course.
Tell me about the job.
ALICE: Chloe Leland is in the market for a new assistant.
You know who she is, right? Total wunderkind.
And it's $40,000 a year, plus benefits? And you know why her current assistant is leaving? Because he's getting his book published.
By Chloe? Oh, my God, yes.
Please, give her my résumé.
Yes.
Thank you.
Okay, bye.
This job sounds amazing.
$40,000 a year.
Plus benefits.
That would be huge.
Right? Hey, what's wrong, sweet boy? Well, if you must know, I had some big news myself, that I was excited to share.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
What is it? Never mind, you stole my thunder.
- Dad.
- Okay, here it is.
- JANE: Oh, no, Mateo.
- (Mateo vomits) Ugh.
Uh.
I hope he's not coming down with a stomach bug.
MICHAEL: Maybe it was the chicken last night.
I woke up feeling a little off.
Thought it was pretest jitters.
Well, how do you feel now? Totally fine.
Rogelio, you were about to tell us something.
Oh, since you asked, they are screening a-a rough cut of my film, uh, tomorrow night for friends and family.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes.
His full-frontal Fassbender moment.
MICHAEL: Oh, I'm sorry.
I have my last LSAT prep class.
I'll have to see it at Sundance.
From your lips to Robert Redford's ears.
But, Jane, you're coming, right? I, uh I mean, it's it's just so soon.
I thought I'd have more time to prepare.
Oh, come on.
I told you I'll give you a heads up before the naked shot so you can look away.
- Promise? - Yes.
And look, stills for my fan club.
Oh! Dad, put that back.
- - But I signed my name over my goodies.
Fine.
But you are coming, right? I thought you were in just the one scene.
Yeah, but I made up the invitations.
- You're not going to that, are you? - RAFAEL: No.
He just invited me because I helped him get the part.
Good because it was your idea to dismiss the nannies for this whole family bonding thing, so you can't leave me alone with them.
(baby jabbering) You know I have to meet my lawyers, about the plea deal.
Ah, yes.
You'll recall Rafael cooked some books to cover his father's art theft.
O-Only an hour, you said.
Only it turns out his dad wasn't really his dad.
And also, my sister's coming, so I'll need some time with her.
To drop the bomb that she's not really his sister.
You done? Yes, I-I think so.
Yes.
The rest of the time, I will be here.
MICHAEL: Are you nervous? No, because I'm not gonna make the same mistake - that I made last time.
- You mean when Cat told you not to prepare for the interview and just, (falsetto): "Fake it till you make it.
" Yeah, and this time I'm gonna prep it till I crush it.
My girl.
(laughs) So, I've been doing a deep-dive Internet search on Chloe Leland.
Mm-hmm? She's incredible.
She published her first book when she was 19 by tweeting one sentence at a time.
Yeah, she's basically pioneered a whole new form.
You're like the Mark Zuckerberg of publishing.
- - (laughing): Oh, no, stop.
But feel free to tweet that about me.
I like it.
And she published, Around The World In Eighty Leis: A Hawaiian Girl Abroad, which was my favorite book last summer.
When I read that proposal, I died.
I had to snap the minute after.
And she commissioned a series of books called Written To the Nines, which are all written by kids under ten.
Age ain't nothing but a number.
Says the woman who's accomplished more before 20 than most people do in their lifetime.
Ugh, and yet, still single as my mother reminds me.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
How'd she become a VP so young? Well, the woman she replaced found herself on the wrong side of a James Frey situation.
Someone had to take the fall.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: The cost of being an unreliable narrator, which as I've said, I'm not.
Then again, I'd say that if I were.
I hated getting my big break at the expense of another woman's failure, but this isn't summer camp.
No participation trophies.
Anyway I like you enough for phase two, Jane V.
Sample coverage.
It's a new memoir.
One-page synopsis, two-page analysis.
I'll give you extra points if you can do it without using the letter "E".
Kidding.
(laughs nervously) XIOMARA: Jane V? I think it's cute.
Thanks for watching little man.
Hey, I'm your mom.
If you can't leave your sick kid here, and I can't ask for a really big favor in return, what do we have? What's the really big favor? Lunch with me, Bruce and scary Tess.
Mom, you're an adult.
Teenagers are mean, and I think that if you were there, she would be a little more self-conscious about being a bitch.
Please? Mateo puked on me twice.
Yeah, okay fine.
He did? Yeah, but then he seemed okay.
Oh, shoot, can I have a tampon? I forgot to go to the store.
- Sorry, I don't have my period.
- You don't? - Mm-mm.
- Aw.
We used to always have the same cycle.
You aren't gonna cry because we are not on our periods at the same time, are you? No.
Oh, I think I'm due soon.
Hmm.
- - Oh, my God.
What? You're right.
I'm late.
How late? Like five days late.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, baby! Jane V could be due soon, all right.
(stammers) Aren't you on the pill? Ugh, I skipped when we were camping, - but that was one day.
- LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Damn.
These Villanueva women are fertile.
Mom, I can't have another baby right now.
Michael's trying to go back to school; I have to work; Mateo's so little; we have a timeline.
Slow down, you haven't even taken a test.
I've been late once before.
His name is Mateo.
(Mateo crying) I'll get him.
Do you have a pregnancy test laying around by chance? I think so.
Also having severe baby anxiety What the hell are you doing here?! You're supposed to be in the Czech Republic.
And you, I am done with you.
You are fired.
You can't fire me.
Oh, really? Well, watch me, you little piece of Oh, beautiful sister with the ugly heart, you don't have the upper hand anymore.
What the hell is that? That's the amendment to Emilio Solano's will.
It's my wedding gift for my wife, Mrs.
Anezka Archuletta.
(bells ringing) You two are m-married? Yeah, we sure are.
Which means I can stay in this country.
Oh.
Knock yourself out.
The real one's in a safe, and scanned, and hovering above you all the time in a cloud.
Checkmate, Petra.
You burn me, I burn you.
The cycle of life.
I can play this game forever.
ANEZKA: But we don't want to do we, my rooster? (imitates rooster crowing) (giggles) What do you want? DARCI: Commitment.
I want commitment.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, yes, Rogelio's new girlfriend.
I'm a matchmaker.
I know what it is, what it looks like.
Wait, where's Rogelio? Aren't you gonna say something? Should I be, like, real mad right now or not yet? Cut! Ah, there he is.
(laughs) Ryan, we've been over this.
She's trying to sell a reality show, no? The more drama, the better.
DARCI: It would be so much easier if you would play the part of my boyfriend.
You know I can't do that.
Not even for the sizzle? Come on, can't you see it? You and me, shrink-wrapped on the side of a bus.
The De La Vega-Factor Factor.
"This matchmaker has finally met her match!" LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I'd watch it.
Look, I have to limit my exposure to serious acting roles.
Perhaps I'll embrace reality on the other side of my career comet, with a comeback on Dancing with the Stars.
(applause, cheering) But would you come to my screening with me, Darci? I would love to walk the red carpet with you on my arm.
There's a red carpet for a friends and family screening? The metaphorical red carpet.
I wouldn't miss it.
JANE: That is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Look, it's little Michael! Almost as cute as you.
But not quite.
Someone's feeling better, aren't you? We are gonna put all these photos on the wall, so we can look around and see our family.
Would you like that? Yeah? Yeah? Oh, oh! Oh, yes.
That's a good one.
We went to the carnival, and Michael was so nervous that night he gave himself a tummy ache.
Like you, Mr.
Sweetface.
(gasps) Someone's in the copying phase.
You want to do everything Mommy does now? What do you think? Are you ready for a sibling? Hmm? (inhales, exhales) (door closes) Guess who just destroyed two multiple choice practice sections in a row.
Oh, yeah? - Are you cooking? - (chuckles) What'd you do with my wife? It's just pasta.
(laughs) I wanted to do something nice for you.
But instead you cooked? Are you trying to take advantage of me? Please let the answer be yes.
Oh, is this the manuscript you have to read? How is it? Oh, it's good.
Yeah, it's all about this girl's crazy childhood - in Fort Pierce.
- Oh, yeah? As crazy as the drug bust I worked there last year with the Coast Guard? Maybe I should write a memoir.
Okay, I have a practice question for you.
If an 18-month-old child's mother is five days late for her period - Uh-huh.
- And she and her husband have a timeline that include (sighs) I don't know what comes next in this question.
I'm trying to tell you that we might be pregnant.
What? I'm late.
My mom gave me a test, I-I haven't taken it yet, I wanted to wait for you.
Really? You're excited? You're not? I-I went straight to stress.
With school, and money.
Okay.
Okay, first, l-let's take the test.
Is this a - - a plus, or a lightning bolt? It's nothing.
My mom's test was expired.
I'll have to buy one tomorrow.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh.
Kind of a letdown.
So, you'd be excited? I mean, it's sooner than we thought, but our family already started earlier than we planned.
That's true.
What? I'm just thinking about a little baby Michael.
- Or a little baby Jane.
- (laughs) And only two and a half years younger than Mateo, which is kind of ideal distance for siblings.
Mm-hmm.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And speaking of siblings So I'm not actually your brother, biologically.
Ah yes, look who's back.
And I understand if this changes things for you.
Raf, stop.
You're my brother.
A blood test doesn't change that.
I love you.
And I will always have your back.
Just like you've always had mine.
Aw, see? This is the kind of sibling love Jane was talking about.
Thank you.
I think this is the perfect time for you to come.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Oh, no.
Who is she talking to? No one.
- - I'm telling you, no one is here.
Not even the paps know who I am.
It's humiliating.
And I'm the one who called them with the hot tip that celebs would be here.
You are a brilliant actor, Rogelio.
Trust me, everyone in America will know your name very soon.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And actually, friends, this would turn out to be true.
WOMAN (on screen): Then I upped his meds, doubled the dose.
(harsh whisper): Now! Now! ROGELIO'S CHARACTER: I can't do this anymore.
I don't want to feel anymore.
WOMAN: Several patients have had side effects.
We could have class action suit - on our hands - Wait, what? Shh.
Where's the rest of the scene? I mean, they cut my penis.
Oh, my God, they cut my penis! Why would you do that? You can't just cut away right in the middle of my Calm down, please.
I will not calm down! They never would have done that to Brad Pitt.
And I never would have taken a role in this indie hack movie if I'd known they were going to humiliate me by not showing my penis.
DARCI: Would you stop saying that? Why should I? The movie's boring, and slow and it had one thing going for it: my provocative penis.
Penis! Penis, penis, penis! I might as well say it, because no one's ever gonna see it! I get you're upset.
But you're still in the movie.
In a forgettable part.
- It'll be okay.
- No, it won't! And you wouldn't understand because you just want to be Bethenny Frankel.
But I want to be taken seriously.
Well.
I didn't get a glimpse of your penis tonight, but I did see a big dick.
MICHAEL: At least you didn't have to see it.
Yeah, I know.
What's wrong? I got my period.
Oh.
So.
No baby.
Gotcha.
Okay.
Well, maybe it was for the best, with me in school Yeah.
And my work stuff in the air.
I guess I just started to get excited about the idea.
It's okay.
We have plenty of time.
Okay? ANEZKA: Give us a smile.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Aw, look.
Petra's babies are warming up - (crying) - to Anezka.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I just missed them so much.
And they missed their Auntie Anezka.
Hmm? (chuckles) Thank you for letting me see them.
I didn't have much of a choice, once you blackmailed me.
That is something I'd be wanting to be moving on - from talking about.
- (crying continues) (whispers): Here.
Come.
Let me try.
Please.
She's hungry.
(crying stops) (crying) Don't worry.
I'm sure they will be warming up to you eventually.
(gasps) No? Mm RAFAEL: I just passed Anezka in the hallway.
What the hell is she doing here? (sighs) She just wants to spend some time with the twins.
Look, she's blackmailing us, what was I supposed to do? If I probate the will, they won't be able to blackmail us.
No.
No, you promised you wouldn't do that.
Raf, please.
Let me give my kids what I never had Financial stability.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the things we do for our kids.
- - And our moms.
So, Tess.
What do you like to do for fun? (phone chimes) Hey.
No, um, phones at the table.
Of course.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
Ah, yes.
Teenspeak.
Sorry, allow me to translate.
Of course, sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
Let's just zip through the highlights, shall we? Pass the salt, please? And the pepper.
Cute wallpaper.
It's nice you're so loyal to your family.
Yeah, we're really close, but I don't live at home anymore.
Huh.
I guess Jane still has a rudimentary fluency.
Oh, my dad said you lived at home.
I used to, but my husband and I live in Wynwood now.
- I told you, she moved - I don't listen that much to you.
That's actually a really cool area.
Yeah.
We love it.
Uh, the apartment's small, but we live, like, three blocks from the Panther coffee shop on the corner of Sycamore.
Seriously? I go there with my friends all the time.
Their mocha lattes are legit.
Totally legit.
Aw, looks like Tess and Jane are actually bonding a little.
Also bonding? So sorry I'm late, I had to put the twins down.
Oh, no problem.
No, no, no.
I am under strict instructions not to let you touch anything that might be contagious.
Uh, I have the big test tomorrow, so Yeah.
So cool, man.
What you're doing.
It's really impressive.
Oh, thank you.
I appreciate that.
JANE: Hey.
Found Mr.
Monkey.
(gasps) Good-bye, Mr.
Sweetface.
I love you.
(kissing noises, laughing) (phone beeps) You're copying Daddy, aren't you? He's copying everything these days.
Everything.
You want to be just like Daddy, don't you? (laughing): Yeah! Okay.
Back to the books for me.
Uh, speaking of books, do you think it's weird that Chloe never responded about my coverage? Probably just hasn't read it yet.
- Yeah.
- (knocking on door) Oh.
They must have forgotten something.
(sighs) Jane! I found your house! (laughs) What are you doing here? It took me a couple of tries, but whoo-hoo! P.
S.
, your neighbors are mean.
Are you drunk? I'm just a little bit completely trashed.
Don't tell my dad.
Shh.
I can crash here, right? Um She won't let me take her to Bruce's.
- You can't tell my dad.
Please! - Okay.
- I'll be nice to you, I swear.
- Just sit down.
You can have sex with him all the time.
We'll get you some water.
And maybe some pizza? I have to call Bruce, right? Definitely.
Just give her a little time to sober up.
Okay, I don't want to mess this up.
- - This feels like some kind of test.
Ma, she's gone.
What? She can't get far on foot she's wasted.
My bike is missing.
- How do you know? - (bike bell rings) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: A bike bell.
JANE: I've got eyes on her! Riding northwest on Parker.
Oh, oh I can't keep up! She's making a right on 26th.
- Copy.
- (bike bell rings) I've got eyes on her.
I've got eyes on her! I lost eyes.
XIOMARA (over phone speaker): She turning down Evans.
Evans! (horn honks) Enough, I get it, Barry.
I screwed up.
It's everywhere.
TMZ, Perez, Lenny Letter.
It's gone viral.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: I did say America would know his name.
Well, you're my agent, can you fix it? ROGELIO (on iPad): You will never understand me because you just want to be Bethenny Frankel and I want to be taken seriously.
BRUCE: This behavior I'm just so angry.
I'm taking away her cell, she is not leaving the house.
Or maybe go the talk route? - I'm sorry, it's not my place.
- No, I want to know what you think.
I think she's a good kid who went somewhere safe.
Which is kind of responsible.
I mean, much more responsible than I was.
And this stuff is gonna happen.
So you want to be someone she can talk to, not run away from.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: It should be noted that Tess was awake, which Xo knew.
I left my pictures here.
Oh, okay.
Dad, are you all right? Did you see the Internet? - - ROGELIO (on computer): Penis! Penis! Penis! Penis! No, we haven't.
What's going on? It was awful, the way I yelled LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: "Penis" a hundred times? At Darci.
I just blew up at her and said hurtful things.
And-and I'm calling to apologize, but she won't answer, and I don't blame her.
What you need, my friend, is a big gesture to win her back.
When I was winning over Jane, I karaoked, I whittled her a giraffe.
Oh, remember when you helped me build that awesome honeymoon suite in the hospital bed? Yeah, that all feels small and low-impact.
Okay.
Well, I'm sure you'll think of something that's just the right size.
Now what I'm going to do with these 250 8x10 glossies? Where are my pictures? Oh, my God! This is my manuscript and my coverage to Chloe.
I thought you already dropped that off.
I did.
(gasps) Oh, no.
Alice! Hi, I-it's Jane Villanueva.
Jane, what happened? Why'd you flake on the coverage? That's why I'm calling I didn't.
I actually dropped off the wrong envelope, which may have contained some other pictures.
Oh, my God, the weird naked guy? I can bring the coverage over in, like, 20 minutes.
Sorry, Chloe's not big into second chances.
She's interviewing other candidates.
PETRA: What's wrong? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Looks like isn't the only one getting bad news.
Rafael, what happened? That was my lawyer.
The plea deal is off the table.
Apparently there's a lot of scrutiny Rich guys being treated differently.
And my family is high-profile, so the mayor wants to show he's tough on white-collar crime.
Okay, so you fight back.
If I do that, everyone in my life will be subpoenaed, interrogated and dragged through the mud.
- What's the alternative? - I don't know.
I could plead guilty.
And what? You pay a fine? No.
I'd go to jail.
With good behavior, I could be out in I don't know, nine months? Wait, stop, no.
Rafael, you're not going to jail.
Okay? You're gonna get a great lawyer.
I mean, I-I was framed for murder, and we figured it out.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: There's a sentence you don't hear every day.
But I did it.
- I lied.
- No.
I reject your defeat.
Look, no, what you need to do now is you need to go upstairs, collect all your files, calendars, uh, relevant e-mails.
Anything that can help and-and we'll come up with something.
Petra, Petra No, I need you! Rafael, there are two little girls who need you.
They need role models! Mateo is copying everything that I'm doing.
Everything.
And I have to look at that.
What am I teaching my kids? - They don't know.
- They will.
At some point, they will.
Just like I knew everything that my dad or Emilio was doing, and I just, I want to be someone that they are proud of.
I can't do it alone.
You'll have help.
I can't! (baby crying) PETRA: Great, now I've upset her.
RAFAEL: Turn on the mobile.
She likes it.
(melody playing) (baby quiets) (carnival music playing) JANE: You feeling okay? MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, it just it feels weird to be out, not studying.
The night before a big test, you know everything you're gonna know.
And you need to relax, hmm? And this place is good for your nerves, right? It definitely was.
You know, that night is the last time I had seen you this nervous.
So, um, do you like roller coasters? Yep, still do.
You asked me that in the car.
Wristbands or tickets? Uh I wonder - Let's go over there first.
- Okay.
I dragged you here first.
Oh, I remember.
Here, grab the handle.
We can see how compatible we are.
(machine chiming) Ah! We made the heart glow.
Wow.
Cool.
We should do the wristbands then, so we can ride as many times as we want.
Okay.
Go.
And it's not working.
Who cares? We don't need some creepy old machine to tell us that we're in love.
Hey, do you have any more singles? LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Ah, the photo booth.
A time-honored make-out zone.
Smile.
Wait, I think it's over now.
I know, but I'm not done.
(laughing) They're cute.
They're porn! Who needs a busted love tester when you have visual proof? I give you exhibit A.
Yes, preach, lawyer.
Feeling better about your test? I was until you reminded me about it.
So let's go.
You remember.
Everything, exactly.
Okay, what's going on with you? I'm nervous.
You've got nothing to be nervous about.
You crushed those practice tests.
You've got this.
I do feel prepared.
I just want to do well.
For us.
I I want What? Well, these last last, these last few weeks - have been great.
- I agree.
And I just want you to know that I'm not dating anyone else.
And I know you're still seeing Sam - Michael.
- No, it-it's fine, it's totally fine.
I just want you to know that, for me, that's not, uh that's not where I'm at.
And I just want to be with you, and I just want you to be aware.
Are you done? I haven't seen Sam since you kissed me two weeks ago.
Ah, thank God! I only want to be with you, too.
It'd be fun to take Mateo here.
Yeah.
And it was fun thinking about baby number two.
Yeah, it was.
I was actually thinking maybe we should move up our time line.
To what? I don't know.
I just want to be open to things changing.
I just want to stay up here with you.
I don't want to go back down.
Me, too.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Me three.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: All right.
What comes up must come down.
Oh! Over there is where part of that amazing memoir took place.
When the author was 14 years old, she would swim from island to island to escape her crazy home life.
Well, not island to island, but-but, hmm.
No, she did.
No, that's impossible.
There are jetties just under the water that you can't see.
I remember, during our drug bust, our boats had to go around.
What? I guess the author just embellished a little, for artistic effect.
No, you can't embellish a non-fiction memoir.
It has to be true.
Well, it's not.
(chuckles softly) Then the girl's LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: An unreliable narrator.
A fraud! And you're a genius.
Ha! (baby crying over monitor) Rafael.
Hmm? (crying intensifies) Elsa, come on, I'm your mommy! Come on (crying) MICHAEL: It's nerves.
Fine, but if you're not - - feeling better after the test, I'm taking you to the doctor, end of story.
Got it.
(exhales) No way.
Where did you find this? EBay.
Inside is crackers, an apple, antacid.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
And good luck with Chloe.
Thank you for helping me do the research last night.
And thank you for what happened after.
(laughs) I love you.
I love you, too.
Mwah.
You got this.
Okay.
Michael! I am so proud of you.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And friends, it should be noted that Jane would play this moment over and over, until it became a memory.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
And therefore, unreliable.
It's filled with gross exaggerations and flat-out lies, and I know you don't want to hire me, and that's fine, but you can't publish this book.
Bravo.
You passed the test.
I'm here to take the test.
Sign in here, put your cell phone in the bin.
CHLOE: People cheat.
Lie.
So I have to be vigilant.
Make sure the people I hire are vigilant.
I'd written you off, but you're the only applicant that figured it out.
So the job's yours if you want it.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Do you really want to work for someone who tests you like that? Of course I want the job! Then again, Jane does love tests.
Michael, on the other hand (chuckles softly) Oh, sorry! Sorry.
I just got a new job and it feels like a dream! Mm! Want to try? You want to try? (Rafael exhales) I let you sleep.
(chuckles) You had so much on your mind.
Oh, Mateo's still sleeping, too.
Thank you.
Are the nannies here? No.
I did it.
I-I got them back to sleep last night, and then up this morning, and I changed their disgusting diapers, and I dressed them and you're right.
I can do it.
So whatever you want to do, you do.
I want a clean slate.
I don't want this hanging over my head anymore.
So, jail? It's only nine months.
And then I get to start over.
Well, I can handle things here.
(doorbell rings) Which would prove to be true, for the record.
But we're not there yet.
Raf.
Good morning.
I I just wanted you to meet Eileen.
We've been dating for the last three months, so I thought you two should meet each other.
Uh-oh.
Eileen.
Who's Eileen? I have heard so many wonderful things about you, Rafael.
What's going on, can't can't we come in? Right.
Uh, no.
EILEEN: Oh, I'm sensing some negative energy.
- I'm an empath.
- Oh.
- A guru.
- Oh, honey.
You know I don't like that word.
I'm more of a guide.
Eileen, it is really nice to meet you, but here's the thing.
If you want to be in my sister's life, or mine, we need to do some medical tests.
Are you freaking kidding me? Your last girlfriend - was a criminal with a fake face.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, oh, my Hon, hon, it's okay.
We have nothing to hide.
What kind of tests? Blood test, uh, X-Ray, DNA, MRI and whatever else the doctor recommends to rule out any plastic surgery.
You got it, friend.
Thanks.
Look, it-it's just that, um her ex killed my dad.
I know.
But that's only if you believe that death is finite.
Yeah.
I do, so Well, that went well.
Yeah.
(raspberry) You do realize, when you pass this medical exam, you leave the country.
For good.
Yep.
For ten million bucks, I can do that.
You'd better.
Or I will have you killed, make no mistake.
(laughs) Excuse me.
Let me talk to you for a second.
- What? - What are you doing? I can't even make threats anymore? We talked about this.
It's just words.
She has to be scared.
Relax.
Okay, ladies.
I'm gonna go hit the shower.
I got some medical exams to pass.
Oh, baby.
We are so close.
We're gonna get back to normal.
Go to family functions.
We can take walks along the beach, it's gonna be LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: But again, we're not there yet.
Where the hell are we? Here.
You can open your eyes now.
(sighs) DARCI: You're doing it? Brad Pitt started out dressed as a chicken handing out coupons on Hollywood Boulevard.
Who says I can't make a pit stop in reality TV on my way to super stardom? So we're gonna have to do this for the cameras again.
Okay? I can't wait To actually stop waitressing.
Move on to the next phase, you know? Publishing.
And then hopefully, published.
(chuckles) Speaking of the next phases, Tess and I had, kind of, like a breakthrough this morning.
- Oh! - Ah.
And Bruce and I were talking and well, we might move in at some point.
Really? I mean, not, like, right away, but in, like, in six months? That's what we'd be looking to do.
And then there was one.
I know, it's a lot to think about, Ma.
T-That's why I'm mentioning it now, while it's still far away.
JANE: They lived happily ever after.
The end.
What do you think? Is Michael almost done with his test, Mateo? Hmm? (growling, laughs) (gasping) (students murmuring) LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: And friends, I did say Michael would love Jane until his dying breath.
FEMALE STUDENT: He's not breathing! MALE STUDENT: Call 911.
MAN: Your husband's death was ultimately the result of his gunshot wound.
His blood pressure spiked aortic dissection We're so sorry.
(crying, screaming) Jane, Jane, Jane.
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
What happened? Shh LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: Which unfortunately, brings us to the end of Part Two.
(exhales) Mateo, hurry up! I'm ready, Mom.
Shoes.
Come on, sweetie.
We don't want to be late for the wedding.
LATIN LOVER NARRATOR: So yeah.
We've got a lot to catch up on.