Life in Pieces (2015) s03e10 Episode Script

COLLEEN: This is so exciting.
We have to remember this.
Every day is full of these different moments that can change our destiny.
You know I'm just masturbating into this cup, right? Stop taking the romance out of it.
You're extracting your semen to be evaluated in a laboratory.
It's beautiful.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Either way, we're both pulling for our family, right? Mm-hmm.
Should we take a selfie with the sample cup? No, no, no.
Colleen, this actually isn't for public - Yay! (CHUCKLES) - (GROANS) Now, are you sure that this wouldn't be easier for you in a clinic? No, no.
That's way too much pressure.
- I need to do it here.
- Okay.
And you need to leave the door open so that I can get a good Wi-Fi signal.
Okay.
Just remember, you only have 30 minutes.
- Right.
- Well, 30 minutes once it's in that cup, but you have as long as it's gonna take you to get it in the cup.
But then only 30 minutes once it's in that cup, otherwise - Colleen! - Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna go to work, and I'll leave you to it.
- Okay.
- 30 minutes to get to the clinic.
Bye.
(PHONE BEEPS) (GASPS) (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Matt? Hey, Heather.
I can't really talk right now.
What's up? Yeah, you know what? I-I think something's wrong with me.
I think I have that thing, you know, where you have lava in your chest.
You know that lava thing? Yeah.
No, I don't.
I don't know "the lava thing.
" It's like you're pregnant, but it's in your chest, and instead of a baby, it's like a thousand hot knives.
Call Tim.
Isn't this the point of marrying a doctor? To call him with all sorts of fake emergencies? No.
No, his phone's off.
He's at the eye doctor.
Oh I think I'm gonna need you to take me to the hospital.
Okay, well, what about Mom or Greg? No, no.
They're taking Dad to get his colonoscopy.
You know what? I-It's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm just gonna lay here, right on this nice, cool concrete.
Oh! That's good.
Heather, I think you need to call 911.
What? And cause a whole scene? No way.
That is so embarrassing.
Bud, just Hi, please, just go around me.
Thank you.
Just, yep.
Go around.
You can do it.
- (MOANS) - Okay.
Okay.
I'm coming to get you.
Where are you? All right, what does the Internet say? It says heart attack.
Okay, yeah, that-that's actually not funny.
No, Matt.
Seriously, it-it says heart attack.
I'm sure it's just indigestion.
Yeah, I know.
You're probably right.
All right, if something happens to me, please don't let Tim remarry.
Okay first of all, you're fine.
Second of all, Tim has always said that if anything ever happened to you, he was gonna get a Japanese sex robot.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah, he wants to be able to fart whenever he wants to.
Oh, he's a good man.
Okay, there's something else I have to tell you.
I have been pretending to be a girl from high school that still has a crush on Greg.
You're Hayley Haslett? Yeah.
He's been bragging about her for years.
Oh, God.
I know.
And I had such a spectacular endgame.
I was gonna have Hayley go missing, and Greg was the only one who could put the clues together to find her, and now I'm not gonna be alive to see the prank through.
No.
No, I am never gonna let that happen.
(PATS HANDS) - Okay.
- (PANTING) What's in the bag? Is that a candy? No, no, no, no.
You No, no.
Don't worry about it.
HEATHER: Matt.
I think you're gonna have to make some tough decisions today.
I'm never gonna let you suffer.
No, no.
I want you to let me suffer, okay? You plug me into any machine that they have.
All right? I don't care what kind of financial burden it causes.
You plug me into a frickin' fax machine if that keeps me alive.
- You got it? - Okay.
Hey.
Can we get a doctor in here? I never told Tim's mom what I really think of her.
She is lovely.
- She really is.
- I had all these things that I was gonna do and, you know, I never even finished college.
Yeah, but you got Tyler out of that.
Yeah, I know, I know.
But you can't hang him on the wall.
I mean, I can, but no one would be impressed with that.
Good news, Mrs.
Hughes.
You're not dying.
- What? - Looks like your symptoms were a result of acid reflux.
- (SIGHS) - Acid reflux? Probably due to the coffee you had this morning, and the red wine you "hit pretty hard last night.
" Oh, yeah, yeah yeah.
It was red wine Wednesday.
- It was Tuesday.
- That's right.
Red wine Tuesday.
Heather, I asked you if you ate anything weird.
Matt, you don't eat wine.
Well, you two are free to go, unless you have any other questions.
(PHONE BEEPING) (TONGUE CLICKS) Can I throw bodily fluids in that trash can? No.
- What? - Nah.
Don't worry about it.
COLLEEN: This is so exciting.
We have to remember this.
Every day is full of these different moments that can change our destiny.
You know I'm just masturbating into this cup, right? - Should we take a selfie with the sample cup? - No, no, no.
Colleen, this actually isn't for public - (GROANS) - Yay! 30 minutes to get to the clinic.
Bye.
(PHONE BEEPS) (GASPS) (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Hey, Matt.
Need some help here, pal.
Um, I just got Dad back from his colonoscopy, and, uh, he's acting a little loopy.
Why isn't this escalator moving? Oh.
Oh, there she goes.
So have Mom watch him.
Well, she was so worried about Dad that I'm afraid that she took a little too much of her anti-anxiety medicine.
You okay, Mom? You'll be fine.
Uh I have a Skype meeting in five minutes with a company that wants to buy CryTunes, and I don't want to blow it, Matt.
All right? I-I they're gonna let me keep my face on the box.
Sorry, man.
I got 30 minutes to get some sperm to a clinic.
That's my own sperm, to be clear.
Okay, yeah.
I just need ten.
That's all I need, all right? Come on.
This is our mom and dad here, all right? So just come on over, throw the oven mitts on, and just lock 'em in the coat closet.
Why can't you do it? Because I don't want my face to get scratched, Matt.
Okay.
Fine.
So now the elevator is broken, too? Why did we even buy this building, Joanie? Mom? Oh! There you are.
Thank you so much for your help.
Yeah, you got ten minutes.
I'm gonna close this deal in three.
Hey, you can close your deal all you want, but they're still gonna get a camera up in there.
Well, I would be happy to stay on board as a consultant, provided my face is still on that box.
Do you think you'd have time to consult? Oh, I am 100% dedicated to this product.
I mean, it's my baby, except one that I am willing to sell.
You know, in fact, I can't think of a single thing that would take my focus away from this company.
Greg, do you have any ChapStick? You got to wet my lips.
MATT: Okay, Dad.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Come on.
- Here we go.
- Oh! You have wet lips.
Kiss me.
- Okay - Kiss your daddy.
- Kiss me.
- Okay, well I guess this is the uncomfortable moment when we start talking about money.
So Perhaps we should reschedule when you have a bit more privacy.
Oh, no, no.
Now is fine.
My dad is just recuperating from a procedure.
What about the woman? Huh? Mom! I'm in the middle of an interview.
JOAN: Oh, did you tell them about your tail? Is she also recovering from a procedure? No, I just took drugs.
Do I have something in my eye? - Mom.
Mom.
- Okay, here we go, Mom.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Sorry about that, Greg.
- Oh.
Oh.
- Come on.
Here we go.
We're gonna go for a walk.
(CLEARS THROAT) Very sorry about that.
Won't happen again.
Who put sperm in my lunch bag? Greggy, was that you? Okay, that's it! Everybody out! Everyone out, right Dad, that's actually mine.
Can you, um, please give it to me? - I need to get it to the clinic.
- What? What? Oh.
Oh.
Nobody clones my son.
- (GRUNTS) - (CRUNCHES) No! No! So, do we still have the deal? You know I'm just masturbating into this cup, right? - Should we take a selfie with the sample cup? - No, no, no.
Colleen, this actually isn't for public - (GROANS) - Yay! 30 minutes to get to the clinic.
Bye.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello.
MAN: May I speak with Mr.
or Mrs.
Shirt, please? It's "Short," and no.
No, not today.
You know what? You've called me every single day this week.
My own mother doesn't even call me this much.
Maybe that's because your mother doesn't care about you overpaying for car insurance.
I actually think that that would bother her, but what I'm most interested in is getting you to take me off of your call list.
I wish I could, but my manager won't allow that until you've sat through the entire sales pitch, Mr.
Shirt.
- It's "Short.
" - Yes, it'll be very short.
And if you sign up today, we'll even throw in a plush doll of our mascot, Crashy the Car.
Okay, uh, I think I've heard enough.
Thank you.
That's great.
I'm glad I've piqued your interest.
No, you haven't piqued anything.
I'm just trying to get the (CRASHES) (COUGHING) (PHONE RINGING) Can't see who it is.
Should I answer? Yeah, it's important.
Dr.
Tim Hughes, what's the news? Tim, it's Matt.
Look, I'm really sorry to be a bother, but I-I've tried everyone else.
Hey, Mattie.
Sorry, brother, I can't see the phone.
I'm at the ophthalmologist.
He dilated my eyes real good.
Okay, that's great.
Hey, Tim, listen (STAMMERS) In every brother-in-law's life, there comes a moment when he's asked for a sperm-related favor.
I'm listening.
I was in a car accident.
I'm fine, but I need you to get my sperm sample to the clinic in the next 22 minutes.
Having listened, I'm now saying no.
Sorry, I can't legally drive a car for the next hour, even if it's an emergency.
I'll drive.
I have my learner's permit.
No, you're not ready.
According to the state, I am.
What the hell does the state know? They gave me a medical license.
Dad, please! Tim, please.
Both of you, stop whining.
Look, Tim, if you don't get this sample to the clinic in time, there will be millions of potential lives that will be on your head.
You took an oath, Tim.
(GROANS) Why does everybody keep throwing that stupid oath in my face? Fine.
Yes.
Yes, but I'm gonna be watching you like a hawk.
(LAUGHS) Nice catch.
(TIM SCREAMS) - Whoa.
- What? Oh.
Thought I saw something.
You can't see anything.
I can make out shapes.
(TIM SCREAMS) Sorry.
Forgot I turned the seat heater on.
I thought I wet myself.
(CAR HORN HONKS) What took you guys so long? Dad won't let me drive like a normal person.
He's being insane.
I'm the one who's being insane? You're the one who drove through a family of ducks on the way over here.
That was an old box of muffins.
Now it's a box of dead muffins, Sam.
Guys! If you don't get this to the clinic in the next seven minutes, the future of my family will die in a plastic cup.
I can make it.
No, she can't.
I got a learner's permit to learn.
If you're not gonna teach me, I guess I'll just have to teach myself.
Six minutes.
I believe in you, Sam.
Samantha.
Don't do anything crazy.
Put your glasses back on, Dad.
I'm in charge now.
Son of a bitch, you're actually doing it.
- (LAUGHS) - (LOUD BANG) Oops.
What do you mean "oops"? More muffins? Yeah.
Muffins.
Well, just stop next time.
I can get out and get 'em.
SAMANTHA: Ooh, look at that space.
TIM: Easy! SAMANTHA: Don't worry.
I got this.
Great job, Sam.
We made it with time to spare.
Let's get Uncle Matt's blood to the doctor.
Hey.
It's time I start treating you like more of an adult, so you need to know that's not Uncle Matt's blood sample in the bag.
Then what is it? It's his, uh man sample.
Ew! Oh, my God.
All right.
Look, it - Oh, no.
- What? I left the seat heater on.
Is that bad? You remember when I cranked up the heat on Sophia's fish tank? Oh, yeah.
Too bad we can't replace it without him knowing.
Yeah, this batter is toast.
(SIGHS) But you know what? We can still go get ice cream.
Yeah! Hurry up! They close in 30 minutes.
You know I'm just masturbating into this cup, right? - (CAMERA CLICKS) - 30 minutes to get to the clinic.
Bye! (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
- COLLEEN: Hi! - Don't worry, it's done.
The score is officially Matt one, little tiny cup two.
Th-There were some stops and starts.
Well, I'm just calling because I think I maybe left the stove on.
Sorry, these fertility drugs are really messing with my head.
Dang it! My wisdom tooth grew back in again.
The stove is not on.
COLLEEN: Okay, great.
Is the curling iron off? Uh (CHUCKLES) You know what? I'm actually kind of working on a little bit of a schedule here, uh, Colleen.
Are you sure you left the curling iron on? Or Yes, for sure.
Maybe.
Probably not, but can you check anyway? See? This is a fun preview of what it's gonna be like when I'm pregnant.
- Oh, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Matt, how does the sample look? Does it look like they're gonna be good babies? Yes, Colleen, they all look like they're gonna be the best.
I know the answer's gonna be no, but will you please take a picture for Mommy? No.
I'm off to work, Matt.
Don't touch my stuff.
Uh, Dougie, please tell me there's a PG-rated reason you're squatting behind that plant.
I'm hiding.
Someone's stealing my lunch and I'm gonna find out who.
You know what? Someone stole my yogurt last week, and it really pissed me off.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
I'm gonna bring this lunch thief to his knees! Uh-huh.
I know everyone underestimates me around here 'cause I'm just a dumb paralegal.
Aw, Dougie, you're not dumb.
You're a paralegal? Well, I ain't just a pair of legs.
What do you think I'm doing here? Uh, I don't know.
I thought you just kind of hung out here 'cause your dad's a partner and it's downhill from your apartment.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) (PHONE RINGING) Hello.
Matt, I need you to bring me my spy cam.
Oh, and I think I left the curling iron on.
Hey, don't tell anyone this isn't natural.
Yeah, uh I'm not at home anymore, Dougie, and I don't where your spy cam is.
Of course you do.
It's the red light on your ceiling fan.
You put a spy cam in my room? Don't bitch at me.
I'm not asking you to get the one out of the bathroom.
What? Oh, please, Matt.
You've been performing for me in there, and we both know it.
Your brother-in-law is a real prude douche.
You know what, Dougie? I think you're smarter than a lot of people give you credit for, and I bet, if you put your mind to it, you could figure out who stole your lunch.
Interesting thing is, Jen, I never said anything about someone stealing my lunch.
It was literally the first thing you said to me.
Okay, one suspect down.
Unless Don't have a twin.
- (GRUNTS) - Yeah.
Listen, I have a lot of work to do.
I would love to help you, but - Oh, that's perfect.
- Hmm? You're like the only friend I have around here.
I There's this one weird guy that talks to me at lunch, but other than that, it's you.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Let's, uh let's find this thief.
We're gonna do this.
We're gonna find out who it is.
- Yeah.
- Then I'm gonna crush him! I'm gonna shove my fist up his rectum and ask him, "Did you like that turkey sandwich?" - Okay - "Was it worth it?" I-I-I'm with you 100% until that graphic violence.
Okay.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) We have narrowed it down to the 12 lawyers who bring their lunch because they're too cheap to go out.
Okay, well, it can't Feinberg or Mellman because they're lactose-intolerant and my lunch on Tuesday was a flight of ice cream.
All right, that's a good start.
Who else can you eliminate? Andy.
He hasn't showed up to work in, like, a month.
I've been parking in his spot.
Well, maybe that letter he told me to forward to everybody wasn't an April Fools' joke.
You're saying he's dead? Okay, we'll circle back to that.
Who on this list do you think is most likely to have his hands on your lunch? Ta-da! I made it.
Not that.
I made it here.
I mean, I did make that, too, to be clear.
Hi, I'm Matt Short.
Right, in your line of work you probably don't like to shake hands with the customers you meet.
- Dougie.
- I don't know who took it.
Oh, come on, Dougie, focus.
I'm doing my best, you crabby bitch! I'm so sorry.
I get really cranky when I'm hungry.
I have low blood sugar.
Oh, that's good.
I'm gonna start using that excuse, too.
It's true.
I get it from my dad.
He can be a real S.
O.
B.
when he gets peckish.
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, you soulless vampire?! No, no, no, no, no.
Dougie.
- Listen to me.
Listen to me.
- I'm gonna faint.
Your dad has low blood sugar and he packs his lunch every day.
And he has my last name.
I bet he's taking it on accident.
Mm-hmm.
Or on purpose, like he did with my Christmas presents when I was a kid.
Oh, Dougie.
You know what? You are just as smart as any lawyer here.
And you work super slowly, which is how we bill so many hours.
Aw.
Jen, I I would hug you, but once I hit that gas, I don't know how to put the brakes on.
Oh, well, Dougie, where we're going, we don't need brakes.
- Ooh.
- No.
No, I just mean, 'cause we're just gonna do, like, a back pat.
That feels nice.
Well, you know, I'm gonna take my chances.
Ah, take your chances.
- Oh, my God! My booby trap! - Booby trap? I got to get to my lunch bag before my dad does.
What? Dad, stop! Huh? Oh, thank goodness.
It didn't go off.
What didn't go off? - Nothing.
Enjoy your lunch, Dad.
- Yeah.
Huh.
Love your tie.
Always love your ties.
Huh? Did you write your name on your specimen? Ah, good call.
I did not.
Can I borrow a pen, please? Congratulations, it's a boy.
(COUGHS) We have to remember this.
Every day is full of different moments that can change your destiny.
You know I'm just masturbating into a cup, right? - Uh-huh.
- Okay.
Are you sure you don't want to do it at home? You know, I thought about it, a lot can happen in 30 minutes.
Why risk it? Oh, thank you so much, sweetie.
- (LAUGHS) - Yeah.
I am so excited that we're doing this.
Mr.
Short.
Go get 'em.
Okay.
(CHUCKLES) We've got a room for you right here, Mr.
Short.
You can take all the time you need.
MAN: Someone's in here.
Do you want to wait or go to a different room? I want you to close the door.
Thank you.
So we wait.